When we meet that guy that makes our heart flutter, the one that gives us those butterflies, the one that we can just feel that spark every time we talk to him - it makes us completely stop even noticing any other men.
All we want to do is put everything we've got into making him ours.
But in reality, the only way this is going to work is if he’s not the only one we’re putting our time and energy into.
Here’s why:
If he’s the only one we’re focusing on, he becomes the focus of our love life. He becomes the one every other guy we might consider has to measure up to. He becomes the one we pin all our hopes and dreams on.
He becomes the one we talk to our girlfriends about, the one we constantly think about, the one we dream about. He's the one whose texts make us jump and respond right away. He's the one we cancel other dates for when he finally calls and asks if we want to come over to his place.
He’s the one we give the power to tear at our self-esteem, and wreak havoc on what little self-confidence we started out with.
He’s the one we compromise the very things we said we’d never compromise. He’s the one that makes us settle for things we told ourselves we’d never settle for.
Because he’s the only one!
He’s the only one we think about, he’s the only one occupying our minds, he’s the only one we've convinced ourselves we’re interested in and we can’t imagine dating anyone else when we’re so into him.
"It wouldn't be fair to date other men," we tell ourselves – and anyone who might ask.
I’d only be leading them on or wasting my time because I wouldn't be into them.
They're not (insert name of guy that makes your heart flutter). They don't have the same effect on me. I don’t feel the same way when I'm with any of them. I don't feel the “spark”.
He’s too (insert thing that bugs you). He's not (insert what you want more of) enough. He's just not my type.
And so, because we think we know ourselves so much better than anyone else does, we do more of the same. We repeat the same pattern over and over again. Because we know this time, it’s going to be different. It doesn't matter if it’s the same MO – ours and his – we think it’s going to be different because we’re convinced he’s different. So we keep telling ourselves this time is different.
Until it’s not. Until it’s the same thing all over again. Until we realize we just didn't see it because these things are never easy to see when you’re the one who's in it.
Then we beat ourselves up.
We get angry, we get sad, and then we get very, very down on ourselves and the predicament we've found ourselves in. We forget to forgive ourselves. We forget to see the lesson that’s right in front of us.
We take it all so personally and we wallow in that stuck place of shame and guilt that never quite allows us to use this as a wake-up call that it really is. We’re too busy spending that time and energy - energy that we could be using to change this pattern - on playing the victim or shopping, obsessing, drinking or eating.
All those things we do to try to make ourselves feel better when a little acceptance, self-compassion and forgiveness would actually accomplish this and so much more.
But it’s a familiar place, so it’s where we've learned to go. It’s where we've always gone before. And our pre-programmed beliefs about life, love, men and ourselves get reinforced that much more.
It’s so much easier to keep doing more of the same than to risk getting outside our comfort zones and taking a risk on ourselves. What will he think? What will my friends think? What will my mother think?
Here's the question you should be asking: What does it matter?!
So, how do you break this pattern? There's only one way. You have to keep consciously reminding yourself that you don't really know him at all.
All that you know right now is that he's triggered something in you - something that makes you very attracted to him.
It might be that he reminds you of your father, which may have been your first love.
Or it may be that he's the exact opposite of your father (your father-daughter relationship can have a dramatic influence on your adult love life). It may be that you subconsciously believe that you're not worthy of love, and he feels safe because you know he's not going to be around long.
Maybe you're afraid of getting too close yourself, so the fact that he's emotionally unavailable actually draws you to him. Or maybe you're still trying to win over your inattentive mother, so his lack of availability gives you the chance to try to win her over this time.
But the good news is that you don't need to figure it out (if you do recognize the reason, that's great, but it's not necessary). The important thing is that you recognize the strong attraction for exactly what it is - some pre-programming that's being triggered within your subconscious that's drawing you to him.
That's all it is - at least right now. Because you don't really know him yet.
And you won't really know him for quite a while. I like to tell my coaching clients that you won't even begin to know him until you've had at least 6 real dates (phone conversations, email and texting are not real dates). And sleeping with him doesn't get you to know him any faster! In fact, it usually makes it worse because it makes you feel even more bonded to him before you really know him.
So how do you keep from getting too wrapped up in him too quickly?
You fill your own life so full with your own friends, your own interests, your own passions that he doesn't suddenly become the center of the universe. You’re not looking to him to fill you up.
And, no matter how much you're attracted to him, you continue to date other men. You don’t sleep with any of them or even fool around with them (at least not more than what you're comfortable with) - you simply go out with them. You date them.
It’s how you do this, because if you make this new man you’re one and only, even if only in your own mind, you can’t do this. It’s simply not how we’re wired.
There’ a huge difference in how this affects you. One is empowering, making you realize that YOU are doing the choosing - the other is putting yourself on the begging end, hoping to be chosen.
I know it’s not easy to change your thinking like this. To not cringe at the labels that come to mind when you think of yourself dating more than one guy at a time. I know, because I used to feel exactly the same way too.
But we're talking about “dating” here, meaning going out with a guy and keeping everything moving at a very slow pace. Because when you're dating multiple men, it keeps you from going too far too fast with the guy that makes your heart flutter and triggers your programming.
It allows you to realize that you need to get to know someone very well – and over a long period of time, going on one-on-one, in person dates – before you give any part of your emotional, mental, or physical self away. It’s how you find out what’s real – and what’s only another conquest for him. This slower pace allows you to find out if he's really the right guy for you - if he's on the same page as you, if he's ready for the same level of commitment that you're looking for.
These things take time. You can't just rely on attraction, chemistry and sparks - sure, those things are great and if they're there it doesn't necessarily mean that it won't work out, but it certainly doesn't mean that it will. There's only one way to know if it will work - time.
It’s how we date well. It’s the piece of the puzzle that matters so much.
Because it keeps you from going there - to that place you know all too well - before you should ever, ever go there. And it allows you to get to know the real him - the one you might not have seen clearly when you were looking at him through those rose colored glasses.
It also gives you the chance to get to know those other guys much better - you may just find that some of them get a whole lot more attractive after a few dates.
So how about you, beautiful? How do you feel about the idea of dating several men at a time, especially when you're very interested in one in particular? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!
There is so much that I never knew about or thought about until now! For instance, what you wrote:
"And you won't really know him for quite a while. I like to tell my coaching clients that you won't even begin to know him until you've had at least 6 real dates (phone conversations, email and texting are not real dates)."
I am asking myself if I've ever had 6 real dates ever!!!! Perhaps the best is yet to come!
Throughout my life, it has been my impression that very few boys or men expressed any positive interest in me, and I spent the first 37 years of my life feeling inadequate and feeling extraordinarily lucky or baffled if I received any male attention at all.
It is occurring to me that I was oblivious to the fact that men were interested in me because I had such low self-esteem and was so shy and afraid of men, expecting to be rejected from an early age.
I remember looking in the mirror sometime between 5 and 7 years old and thinking, "You are ugly. No one will ever marry you." I have to wonder what happened to me that I would have those thoughts at such a young age, and then I remember at least two times where my father told me I was ugly. He didn't say much to me as I was growing up but he did tell me that I looked ugly when I was angry. I felt angry much of the time, and I believed him and proceeded to feel ugly all the time. Another time he took me aside and told me about a little girl he went to grade school with. He said, "She would have been pretty, but she "sniffled" all the time and she looked ugly." I had allergies and was always "sniffling" and believed what my father had told me about my physical appearance.
It is also occurring to me that my mother told me when I was a very young girl that my father was different from all the other men she had known. Basically, she was saying that she had not had good experiences with men, and that the only man she (and I) could trust was my father. Given that I felt rejected by my father, this was not a good start in life for me in connection with men.
After my mother died, my father revealed to my youngest sister that he had been married before he married my mother. His first marriage ended in divorce after 5 years. His first wife left him. After my mother died, father mentioned his first wife to me once, saying how beautiful she had been. He said that he married our mother that because of hear appearance, he knew he didn't have to "worry about losing her to another man." He said, "Your mother was no beauty, but she had a nice smile." I look very much like my mother, and he never told me that I had a nice smile. My mother was beautiful!!! My father just could not see her beauty.
From a very young age, I always had crushes on one boy at a time but never had a boyfriend. As I grew older, I wasn't asked out on dates. I wasn't at all surprised because I felt ugly and unlovable and felt awkward and uneasy around boys and men.
Back to the 6 dates idea.
If I remember correctly, the man I loved for 42 years and I never dated. I just met him one day at the ocean, and he had my love and attention for the rest of his life, no matter what he did. He triggered every last trigger in connection with my relationship with my father and my mother. I was able to identify that he was a combination of my mother (rage) and father (absent) when I was in my 20s but did not know what to do with that insight.
On the first date with the the man I didn't love but married anyway, we had sex. It wasn't satisfying sex for me. That was in 1973. We lived together for 3 years and then were married for 9 years. Those were the worst years of my life. After that, I just wanted to be alone. I was very happy living alone for the first time and not being in a relationship and not dating.
When I was 38, I went on a few dates with a man who triggered something. He was very much like my father. He pointed out flaws in my physical appearance. He had many women friends (nonsexual) that he spent time with when he wasn't with me. We had an off and on sexual relationship for several years. He asked me to marry him, and I refused him. That was another nightmarish period in my life. In the end, he seemed to be stalking me. Finally, I asked him not to contact me again. He honored that.
A little over a year ago, before I found this site, a man I had been aware of for 25 years and wary of (I was aware of triggers in connection with him from the beginning), asked me to a picnic (a date! #1!). I declined because I had already made other plans (the picnic was the next day!). Nearly a year later, in a gathering of friends we have in common, he asked me out to breakfast after the early morning event was over. A week later he asked me out for breakfast again (date #2). From then on, although we communicated by phone, I was the one who asked him if he would like to walk with me. He always said yes. In the months that followed, he asked me out 1/2 hour before an evening event (I declined!), two days before an evening event (date #3), and after a month of silence called to ask me if I could give him a ride to visit an elderly friend we had in common (?) I was able to decline that invitation and gradually able let go of any hope for a relationship with him and wish him well. I had to experience emotional pain in the letting go, and I survived that and am feeling so much better about myself than I ever have. A miracle!
That's not many dates for a woman who is going to be 68 years old! Still, I'm thinking that if I knew way back then what I know now, I might have done things differently in terms of dating.
I'm not all that convinced that dating more than one man at a time would be a good idea for me, but I can see the possibility of a goal of 6 dates with one man in the midst of the very full and satisfying life that I am experiencing now!!!!
The equivalent of "dating other men" for me would be spending my time enjoying the work I do for a living, enjoying the creative work I do, enjoying my friends, and enjoying all the things in my life that bring me joy and peace. Being in a committed relationship or married would have to be very very good in order for me to consider adding it to my full life!
Thanks again, Jane, for the giving us the opportunity to learn who we are, to learn that we are worthy of love, and to make choices to love ourselves in connection with men who love themselves and are capable of loving us for being ourselves.
Yaaaaaayy! So happy just to be alive!
I'm so glad you are happy now, Ella. You've done quite a lot in your life. I was sad reading about your father. That must have been really demoralizing for you. How sad that our fathers were raised to hate us for simply being women. I am glad you can see that all those messages were far from true and just a reflection of who he is (was?) as a person, and not you or your mom.
I can relate to being awkward and afraid of men and having many bad experiences and not more than six dates. I'm not sure I've had three dates with the same man ever. I don't get asked out either. I honestly don't like most men now that I have grown more aware of our society's programing. There's a lot of toxic behavior out there. Not necessarily bad people, but toxic behaviors and beliefs abound.
I always liked boys and chased a few around, but that never went well. I've come to a point in my life where the longing hasn't gone away, but I feel better about being on my own. For the most part I have forgiven my dad and I can see his hurts and his experiences as the culprit of my wounds as a little girl. But it's not his job anymore to guide me. I am all I have and I am doing the best I can to re-parent and take care of myself now. My dad is a wonderful man and he has changed a lot, luckily. Just made mistakes with me and my mom.
I am glad you are here on the blog sharing your story with us. You seem like a warm, loving woman 🙂 and a good man would be lucky to have you.
Thank you for your kind words, Angel. What you share about your experiences continues to give me insights. It is good to know that you have had healing with your relationship with your father. We are learning so much here, becoming the women we were created to be!
I am 66 and started online dating 2 years ago after not having any relationships for 20 + years. It has been a transformational experience for me. I have grown so much. My past relationships have been short with sex early on. That is one thing I am changing in my dating is dating more than one person and not having sex on the first or second date. This is something I have to work on if I have chemistry with someone even though I recognize the chemistry can be about past wounds. I like the 6 date idea and I do try to date multiple men although I don't have than many opportunities. I have trouble discerning what should be appropriate times to get to know someone. Dating over 60 there is a time factor and I want to enjoy my life.
When you know there's a commitment there, Debra. When you don't have to be worried that he might walk away. ❤
I found the video liberating...but I could also see myself in what you described. Im dating again after a 20-year hiatus. Im ambivalent about robo-dating, but know innately that you're right about going slowly. Deeply appreciative, Grace
Why would a man say your just friends but unfortunately both act like your a couple..why would a man play with a women's heart like that..why do people take advantage of some one r men and women really like that? I never want to love again..no one..that man hurt me emotionally mentally other things I. Can never love or like any one again...
Jane,
I started questioning my motive for wanting a boyfriend, and I figured that I wanted to feel more loved and appreciated, but most of all happy that there is someone always by my side. I just don't want to be alone, My fear is that I will never be loved, and that I'll start to blame myself for my looks, or the way I act childish, and begin thinking that there's something wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like asking myself, "Well, if there is such thing as Mr. Right, then where is he? Why has he seemed to fade away?" Also, I also try to imagine what sex will be like, despite the fact that I'm 17, single, and about to be in college, and that I'm also a virgin. Sometimes I question myself that if I lose my virginity what would the results be like? Would I be able to lose or keep him, if I lost my virginity? Also, I have insecurities about my weight. I weigh 191 pounds and I feel insecure when I look at skinny girls because they don't need to worry about their size and are the seemingly attractive towards guys. Sigh, I always feel insecure about my weight, and I try to do help for myself, and try to diet. but I feel nothing is working, like the weight is unchanged. I try not to compare myself with others, but I do and leaving me to feel extra frustrated and picking out parts that are wrong with me. I usually question why I'm here and what purpose do I have here? Also, I watch a lot of pornography and I wonder can that affect my life, and also my love life? Also, I do masturbate a lot, and I also wonder if that will bring frustration and problems in my married life if I'll ever have sex with my future husband because I am a Christian and that masturbation is a sin. Am I creating more sin in the process? My fear is that my future husband will never enjoy life with me, and eventually leave me for someone else. Also, I keep imagining having a romantic with my best guy friend, but he already loves someone else. It's hard for me to let him go, but I just don't know what to do, since all I want is to feel unconditionally loved. I fear that I'll make the wrong choice that will put my love life in misery by ending up with someone abusive, and I do not want that. I'm scared that I'll end up with someone drinking constantly, abusive, criticizing, etc. I'm really worried, so please help.
Don't let fear run your life, Desiree. Focus on creating the life you want for yourself, and don't let all the possible "what ifs" get in the way. The list of possibilities is endless, but they're only as real as you allow them to be! This isn't about following anyone's rules for your life; it's about what you need to do to live in peace with yourself. Clarify for yourself what you can live with and what you can't, and then live within those parameters. The only person you ultimately answer to is you.
Learning the reality of "sparks and chemistry" is a tough one. It's taken me years to understand that in a "solid" relationship those can develop with the growing relationship. Over the past few months, Jane's website has been such a beacon for me in reprogramming my thinking, idenfitying the issues that I had with selecting the wrong man for me, and the list just goes on. I think the key sentence is " He’s the one we give the power to tear at our self-esteem, and wreak havoc on what little self-confidence we started out with. That is so true! I have been so focused on "my" life and self confidence and will never allow anyone to destroy that part of me again. Thank you Janes for tough lessons well learned thru your kind words!
It is a tough one, Sheryl! And those words ring true for so many of us who learn this the hard way. You're so not alone! I hope you're seeing that. and I'm so glad to be a part of this process for you, Sheryl; thank you so much for your kind words.
My husband of soon to be 5yrs left 3months ago. He keeps saying he loves me'wanted to try dating, so OK every time we set up a datenight he never shows and forget him ever calling me for any reason. He said at one point he would
Move back in and he flaked out on that also.he lives down the road and never checks on me and never offers to help
With bills. Half the time his phone is turned off or in the truck or on the charger he could write a book on excuses.
He was never like this before he moved out.he says there is no one else. Does it sound like there is any hope for us
I walk on eggshells usually when around him and as I am writing this I wonder why I would even want him.
He always thinks I do and say everything wrong. He is a very selfish,cheap person.everything is about him.
It sounds like writing this all out has given you your own answers, Susie. Trust your intuition. You know.
After recently becoming divorced after 14 years of marriage this is the only way to get to true love. I date other guys even though I really like the guy im seeing for last 3 months. it allows me to realize what qualities im looking for,keeps me busy and im more confident because I know I have other dates. I use dating as practice for relating to men,testing out my date outfits ,and testing my conversation skills and get a free dinner. Ha ha
That sounds like a good idea on dating Julie! My question is how do you find dates?! I feel so silly asking but I am really clueless haha! I feel weird with online dating so other than that I don't know how to find dates!
This will help give you some ideas, Darlene ... it's the best place to find the ones who are right for you!
Thanks for sharing how this works for you, Julie. It's how you'll know! 🙂
This really hit home
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Molly. 🙂
This is really a good idea and it hit home.
This is really a good idea more especially in my situation
This really hit home! I'm in love with a guy in the military and I just can't see myself with anyone else. If I dated someone else I would feel as though I was cheating on him.
I hear you, Katina. I'm so glad this resonated with you!
I've loved to read your emails and this one hit home with my situation!
You are so insightful that I'd like to order the program with the offer of speaking with you.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Sandra, and thank you for your kind words. You can order my program here https://gettingtotruelove.com/smart-attraction-offer/ - although my special offer expires in 40 minutes! I look forward to speaking with you, too!
Your spot on Jane. You give great advise.
Thank you, Gab. I'm so glad this resonated with you! 🙂
Well the old way didn't work, try and try . I dont want the same kind of man that I divorced. Change ourselfs,,respect us,, what a concept,,you want what you give,,but do you love or eveb like yourself. This time is about me,, my needs. I will never give my power away again. I'm dating different men,, its fun,, yea I care about one,, but I wont settle. I know God will send the right ine inwhen we're ready,; mentally, emotionally, , secure in your own body.
So glad you're seeing this, Cindy. You've got this!
This article made me fall back and think, I was about to repeat my same routine, this article is me, I meet a guy that makes my heart flutter, and instantly I'm ready to give him my all, and ready to settle. So thanks for this article it put all in prospective and put me back on track
I hear you, Tulena; it's so easy to go there! I'm so glad this helped get you back on track - and to remind you of what you already know!
Hi Jane and thanks for your email, full of wisdom as always 🙂
I experienced dating multiple guys years ago just to see what it was like and what they were all about. The problem was, for me, I have fibromyalgia and can tire very quickly, so I tired my brain out with all the information I was storing about the dates. I became burnt out and that's not a nice place to be, for me. I do see the good side of dating more than one man at a time but it's too much to process for me.
As you know, I thought I had met the first ever healthy balanced man in my whole life, Boy was I wrong! We had a lovely first date then after my initial doubts (when I was on my own after the date) I agreed to meet him again the following Saturday. (He lives an hour and a half from me). He lives with his parents at the age of 37 and has never been in a relationship or dated anyone, ever, or ever had his own place or shared with friends. I had already heard alarm bells ringing when I realised this but thought I'd see if anything unfolded anyway, plus I was curious about him being a virgin at that age. Yes, shallow, I know.
His parents invited me to come through to theirs for his Dad's birthday meal at a restaurant then said I could sleep in the guest room of their home. It would be me, him and just his parents at the meal, which I was glad about, because I've met whole families at once before, when I dated years ago and it was overwhelming!
VERY long story short. I got two trains to where he lived and before I met the parents, he took me for a walk in a park and a glass of juice. Then once I met them, (they were lovely and welcoming and very chatty so that was good) It was a rush to then get ready for the meal and I was already tired out and had to put a brave face on to attend the meal. That went well and I realised the Mother talked almost constantly! Jane if you know what Fibromyalgia is you will know that talking and listening too much sends my brain into a fog, not to mention the travelling beforehand! But I wanted to be polite. (The reality is, I was people pleasing and not being true to myself)
I was car-sick all the way back to their home and just needed to lie down and sleep, but the guy I'm dating came in to give me a hug and his Mum followed and sat on the end of the bed and talked and talked and talked!!! Bearing in mind that this was only DATE 2!!! He did tell her that I needed to rest now and basically she just carried on talking! I felt like crying but didn't. Anyway, later on, me and him went a run in his car to get some precious alone time. After a while I told him I really needed sleep now, so we went back to his parent's house. When I walked through the door, his Mum asked how I was and I said I was really really tired and said that I think I'll go to bed. The Mum then said to come through to the living-room for a chat with her and her husband and my date first. I didn't like to refuse or complain but wish I had now! It was 1.30am when his Mum finally stopped talking and I got to bed!!! My mind was so active that it took another 3 hours for me to actually fall asleep!
I was so glad to have my date run me home the next evening.
Then, when he drove through to mine the next Saturday we had a lovely time out for a walk with no-one else to disturb us, which was bliss 🙂 Then he asked if I would wear a certain sexy bedroom outfit for him!!! When I told him that was too forward a suggestion, on the 3rd date, he didn't understand what the big deal was! Duh! He kept mentioning other sexy lingerie etc and I got uncomfortable and told him, again, it didn't register with him! I told him again that if I'm in a longterm relationship with a guy that I might be happy to spice things up a bit in that department but not on the 3rd date. I kept thinking, this guy is a virgin, supposedly, so why is he thinking about the MOST erotic form of lingerie etc?! His answer was "I thought it would be romantic". To which I replied "Romantic! It's creepy" He still didn't hear what I was saying and I just wanted him to go home, but the truth is, Jane, he stayed over at mine and we went the whole way and he came out with strange creepy voices in the
middle of it! Plus he kept saying "I love you" every few minutes!
I was so glad the next day when he drove home and after a lot of thought, when he called me I told him how I really felt about his behaviour and attitude, his Mum's behaviour and selfishness as she drained all my energy and how I think it best for us not to see each other again. He was devastated but my main concern is me and my health and sanity! Why did I go there in the first place? I thought my self esteem was higher since I had been healing from my previous 3 year, unhealthy relationship? I think I wanted to believe this might be the man at last, but it's sooooo not!
As for dating in general, I'm not anywhere near ready to date and so I'm concentrating on me for the time being.
Thank you Jane and your other readers, I get so much from all of you 🙂
Love
Donna xxx
It sounds like you've had quite the experience, Donna. Don't be too hard on yourself; the power of wanting to believe someone "might" be the one can be very strong! Now you know more!
As always, take what resonates with you and leave the rest. We all come to where we're meant to be for ourselves in our own way and time. Taking care of ourselves and practicing self-compassion for where we are, are two of the most important things we can do for our self-esteem and self-confidence.
I'm so glad you're getting so much from everyone here! 🙂
Donna, please consider your safety. You never go stay overnight at someone's parent's home on the 2nd date! You ignored ALL the red flags. We want you to develop a great relationship, but it takes TIME. Someone bringing you lingerie to put on for sex on the 3rd date is also NOT normal. You have to learn how to remove yourself when you find yourself in a situation that makes YOU uncomfortable. You also need to act on your own beliefs. If your belief says the situation is not good, believe yourself and back off. Find someone older you trust and talk about things BEFORE you do them if you are not sure what to do. Talk to your doctor, if no one else is available. Consider your own health before you do anything. You are special.
I love this article so much.
For me, it was never about dating! Boy, do I have a lot to learn. I never really understood what dating really was. I can say I've only been out with guys I am truly interested in and one at a time and other guys I would see I would just label as friends.
Dating several guys could be a slippery slope for me because I am not used to it. I am not really sure if I can actually do it, I mean kissing or flirting. I guess I am just a little awkward.
I noticed the advice you have Natalie on being honest, but it still feels kind of weird to me because I have always been the girl guys tell they are not wanting things to get complicated with because maybe they meet someone else later on. It always feels so personal, though I am fully aware it is not and it doesn't have to be. I still feel as though my ego were getting stomped on.
I am not sure I can deal and I am definitely not sure I would feel comfortable dating several guys although I do think the advice is spot on. I am a little scared that I may not move out of the state I am in. I am a great girl, I have come to learn that, but I always feel unsure around men, even if there is no reason to be.
Too many programmed believes to work on and sometimes I just don't know how i will get through it, even if I repeat to myself I am worthy of love and I am beautiful.
I guess I still care a little too much about what people think. And yes, I agree with Carolyne, some men are waaay too judgemental of a woman who might see several men at the same time. It is not fair, I know, but it is hard to get out of the cycle. :/
I so hear you, Angel. Sometimes it can feel like we're so far from where we want to be! Remember to practice self-compassion here, especially in charting how far you've come. You've had some huge "aha" moments along the way - and in such a short time! - that you want to focus on how far you've come instead of how far you feel you have to go. When you're ready to do or try something different, trust that you'll know. If this seems "weird" or it doesn't resonate with you right now, that's ok! Just take what does resonate with you and leave the rest. You will move out of the state you're in, but it will be when you're ready and in your own time - not someone else's time for you.
One of the best pieces of advice that I wish I had received when I was still single, was what I wrote about in my post "You're already her!". All too often we get so caught up in waiting for the right conditions or the perfect time, or when we finally have this or that or get to a certain place in our lives, instead of remembering that if we could see it a different way, it would change everything. You're so not alone, Angel, and I hope you're realizing that. Be with who you are right where you are. So much of life is about three steps forward, two steps back, learning, growing, becoming all the time. Be so proud of yourself for how far you've already come!
Thank you so much, Jane for your words.
You are right. I need to stop beating myself up and just try and take it one day at a time. I get caught up in thinking so much that I end up fearing things that aren't even there.
It is a process, but I am glad I started.
Exactly, Angel. We all have to start somewhere!
Hi Jane I was once in that situation where I had put all my eggs in one basket and thought that the eggs would hatch and only be mine alone but it only it only took one night for the basket to fall and all my eggs were broken.
Well, you can Iimagine how devastated and awful I felt.I lost all my self esteem and felt like killing myself but now I know what to do in order not to get hurt.
Thank you for this post because it teaches other girls/women to open up their eyes and not stay in the dark anymore.
Now i'm dating three great guys and I know that even if "the only guy I want to be with" decides to quite I still have other two so that gives the courage not to concentrate and put my all to him even though he's the only one I want to be with.
Thanks for sharing your story, Milly. Your description is so accurate of what happens to so many of us in a similar scenario! So glad you've found your way through this to a way that empowers you!
I was that girl and repeated the pattern two time. I was with this guy for almost a year and from the beginning was dating other guys but always gave him the priority reschedule my other dates because he was available to see me
Even though I knew I shouldn't but my heart was always winning and couldn't see any spark with the other guys to move forward. I finally told him yesterday that I can't see him anymore the way things are and it was like he knew it was coming and didn't even try to convince me to stay or ask for my reasons. It broke my heart that he wasn't afraid of losing me but again I always knew this wont last long. He was the first guy I gave myself to physically. I had a horrible day yesterday almost cried the entire day feeling sad because of his reaction, for losing what I had with him and it's even worst when u r the one ending it felels like u r taking something from yourself but the reality he never was mine. I received emotional support from co-workers and family but I think part of me is still mad at myself for putting myself in this situation and seeing the pattern I am too afraid to repeat it again. I feel free from removing myself from something that wouldn't get anywhere and doing things I would have never thought of doing but also miss him, miss the memories, the fun times, the spark, the attraction, the care and encouragement he showed me, the times he was there for me, and made my first time experience with a man a good experience. I know there is someone out there for me that I deserve and will give himself to me fully but it's very difficult not to remember memories and remembering u won't see him again.
Thank u so much for your post. It totally related to me and I hope I can use this experience and learn from it in the future.
I'm so glad you could relate to this, Roya. Don't lose what you know to be true simply because of someone else's reaction to you. Of course you miss so much, but don't go there where you only focus on the good times. There's a reason you felt strongly enough to end it with him. Trust yourself; you always know. This is the time for self-compassion and forgiveness - for yourself. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time, and you're not the only one to want to go back in time and do things differently. We've all been there! Don't run from the memories or they will consume you; simply accept and notice them as part of your memories that show you just how much love you have in your heart to give, but don't give them more power than that. That will be you again, Roya, but with someone who's on the same page, who wants the same thing as you, and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You deserve absolutely nothing less than that!
I'm doing that right now and it works. However, I do feel guilty because none of them know I'm dating the others too. It just feels like a betrayal. Also, I'm worried about hurting the ones I don't choose. I mean, after 4, 5 or 6 dates, they think that you're a couple. In the meantime, you may only be on date 2 or 3 with someone else and you want to see how that goes before making a decision. How do you break it to the one that turns out to not be the one without hurting him? I have eliminated 2 along the way, one after the first date and one after the second date.
The most important thing is to be upfront and honest with them, Natalie. You want to let them know you're seeing other people so that everyone knows where they stand. If they want more than that - if they want to be exclusive with you - they'll step up and let you know and then you can decide what you're ready for and what you're not. By setting the expectations from the beginning by being clear that you like to take your time to really get to know someone better before you become exclusive, everything is out in the open and there's nothing to feel guilty about because you're not hiding anything. Then, down the road, if you're not interested, you can let them know without it coming as so much of a surprise.
You have to be comfortable with your choices, Natalie, or you will feel guilty and it will feel like a betrayal. When you're honest from the beginning, they can recognize your honesty and respect you for it. They'll also realize that you have respect for yourself by the fact that you do take your time getting to know someone before you become exclusive and you don't want to lead anyone on in that process. If they aren't ok with this, or don't understand it, you'll have more information about them to decide where to go from there.
Natalie, Please make SURE they understand from the beginning about you dating others. As you have said yourself, some do think you are exclusive after several dates. If they misunderstand what is going on it could get dangerous.
This is an important tip, but I can't find any context about When I should tell a man that I am dating others, and How much information should be included. Clearly, I'm not going to say "Hi, my name is Di, and I want to add you to my stable." Nor do I believe Tom needs to know Everything I know about Dick and Harry. So, my questions come down to (1) at what point in a relationship do you 'reveal' that you are dating other guys (esp. when they come after your first date with Tom, and you weren't dating anyone else at that time), and (2) how much do you share about the other guys? As an afterthought, don't dates originating from online dating sites automatically imply that I am dating others, or does it need to be spelled out?
Certainly, from my perspective, I am assuming that the man chats and flirts with other women, when I connect with someone online. I have no business getting 'bent out of shape' when I find out he's going out with other women, too, and would expect the same level of respect from the guy.
Perhaps I am overthinking the question? Is the information relayed going to be simply 'No, I can't go out with you on Friday because I've already made plans with another gentleman."?
I hear you, Di. How you bring this up and when, as well as how much information to include, depends on two things. You - including your own comfort level with dating someone else and talking about it - and the person you're dating. Generally, when you first meet someone, you don't need to come right out with your great line "Hi, my name is Di, and I want to add you to my stable." - although I had a laugh at your choice of words there! 🙂 When he asks you out, you'll probably have plans that night if you're actively dating others, so a simple "I'd love to, but I have plans that day" is all you need to say because since you are all that, you're certainly dating other men - that's your assumption to hold about yourself, more than for him. When he asks you for a different day or evening that you don't already have plans for, then you can accept and get to know him better. If it comes up in conversation about dating other people, then by all means be upfront and honest with him, but since it's only the first date, you certainly don't owe him any more of an explanation, and certainly reminding yourself of this, keeps everything more at the pace you want to keep it at. It's when you feel like you own him an explanation of who else you're dating that you can consider that to serve as a red flag for you that you're getting ahead of yourself emotionally. Too much information too soon is so often what has us putting all our eggs in one basked in the first place because we feel we're closer to him than we actually are. Often, it's the only way we become aware of what we're doing in the first place!
And you don't share anything about the other guys. He doesn't really want to know, and you don't owe someone you've recently met anything more. Again, you really don't want to share that much of yourself with him yet either. It's enough for him to know that you haven't taken yourself off the market simply because you've just met him, but that you like to take your time to get to know someone before you choose to become exclusive with anyone. When you make that your mindset, you realize you're worth taking the time to get to know!
As for the case where you've been seeing someone for more than one date and you weren't already seeing someone else at the time, unless you've already talked about being exclusive, this wouldn't be any different than if you just met. But if you already talked about exclusivity, than you can simply let him know you want to slow things down and get to know him better while still dating other people.
And of course, as you say, if you've met on an online dating site, there is more of an assumption that you're both probably dating - or in the process of meeting - other people, so that makes it more of a given.The idea here is that you're a little aloof, you're not committing to anyone in particular before you've really gotten a chance to know someone better, and so when someone asks you out you simply say "No, I can't go out with you on Friday, because I've already made plans." You don't need to go into detail of what your specific plans are unless it comes up, i.e. unless he asks you, in which case you can let him know.
Each relationship and each person is different, Di, and what you have with one person may be very different from what you have with another. Only you know what you're comfortable with and what you're not, and what seems natural to you and what only makes things more complicated, so more than simply listening to anyone's advice, listen to your own gut instinct and intuition. If something doesn't feel right to you, stop and ask yourself why. Is it the culture, the media, your programming, or your "shoulds", or is it something more? More than anything else, dating is about having fun! If it's becoming a chore or causing you more stress, that's a sign that you may need to do something different. Whether it's changing your mindset or your actions, doing what brings you happiness and peace and leaves you with the least amount of regrets is what this is all about!
i don`t know how you do it Jane, you are always on point, your articles always come at the right time when i need them the most. i met a guy few months ago, and everything was fine He used to call every single day< He always updates me on everything that`s going on in his life, and we`d see each other every week, spent more time at His place and we even got to a point where we made out (i know its too early) i am becoming more and more fond of him as the days goes by, now here is the problem, the calls has become less, even though we chat on some social network but i feel thats not enough, He still fills me in on what he does in his life, but i feel like somewhere somehow its no longer the same, we always fight all the time about petty things and everytime when we fight He always shifts the blame to me and i end up being the one apologizing even though He is the one who is wrong, and i know this all happens because i`ve made Him the centre of my universe, i turned out to be the one calling him more, and i`m now the one who initiates contact, and he really seem less interested now than he was at the begining of our relationship, the way he adresses me at times i feel like he doesn`t respect me at all and when i bring this to his attention he tells me that i`m being childish and all, i find it difficult to focus on other things or dating other people while m with him because i am falling for him, but i thankyou for your article it has opened my eyes and it has come at the right time.............i am really learning everyday with your articles keep it up.
Lolly, Did you notice the negative things started to happen right after "(i know it's too early)"? Re-read your comment and all the answers are there. Learn from this experience and move on.
Thnx a lot Caroline you have a point I need to learn from this and make sure it doesn't become a parten and also like Jane says I will give Him the space and see if He will come to the party and if He doesn't then I will know that he wasn't right for me from the beginning.
I so hear what you're saying, Lolly; and I hope it's helping to see that you're not alone! It is a new way of being, learning to really take your time to get to know someone without getting ahead of yourself and making someone your world. I remember those days all too well! Give him some space and see what he does with it. Fill in that space with a life you focus on creating for yourself, full of the people and things - your hobbies, your passions, your meetups - that you don't have to chase after, that fill you up apart from him. And then see what he does with that space. Does he fill it in by picking up the slack and initiating more with you? Or is he content to have that much space between the two of you? That's how you know what he's comfortable with, that how you know what he wants and what his terms - his boundaries - are for your relationship. It's easy to respond to someone else doing the initiating, but it's in the initiating that you find out where someone really stands. If he's calling you childish, it sounds like there's a power dynamic going on where he's the one holding the power (as the adult), and you're the one feeling powerless (the child). It's not uncommon in relationship where we put someone on a pedestal and give our own power away; and it says more about what we may be trying to recreate from our past than about the actual relationship you're having with him. Go easy on yourself, Lolly; it takes awhile for a new way of seeing things to become our own. 🙂
Wow Jane u've said it all "If he's calling you childish, it sounds like there's a power dynamic going on where he's the one holding the power (as the adult), and you're the one feeling powerless (the child)." This is exactly how He makes me feel, and He likes talking about himself and his career more than our relationship, and He never seem to care about what I do and my interest in life as a whole, he doesn't know about my goals and dreams, because its always about him, and he likes telling me that I need to know my place as a woman, I must not argue with him, I must not interupt him while he is talking, there's quite a lot and I take these as red flags, its just that as Women we like turning a blind eye on these things and we always look surprised or shocked when a person never change, thankyou so much for putting things in some pespective for me......I will give Him the space and start focusing on myself and the people who care about me (friends and family) and of course I will start dating other guys as there is quite a few that are interested in seeing me but I was sceptical because I thought I have found the "one" not knowing what this will do to me and myself esteem, thanks a lot once more Jane this community is making me feel better and better everyday and to become a better Woman, its good to see that one is never alone when it comes to the matters of the heart and relationships.
I'm so glad that theme resonated for you, Lolly. It sounds like there's a lot of red flags there now that you're seeing the pattern. Be so proud of yourself for being open to see what's going on for yourself! We're all always here for you 🙂
How I wish someone presented this information to me about two years ago! I met what I thought was the guy of my dreams and made him the "center of my universe" . It only backfired because I am now left picking up the pieces of myself that were broken simply because he wasn't on the same page. He wasn't ready to commit. So here I am now almost 3 months out of the relationship, and he confuses me all over again. But this time he makes me feel terrible about even thinking of dating other men. He tells me he loves me wants to be with me, etc. That he wants to start over w me and do things right this time because he realized he had someone who loved him so much.
Jane, my problem is that I don't know how to be selfish and date other people without feeling guilty. I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want to wait for him more and more time. I am in love w his potential as you have mentioned before but unfortunately he still not showing any actions. And I would like to believe him when he blames his crazy hospital schedule but I still find it unfair and that I have to answer to him when he asks what I am doing and who I am with. I know I don't owe him anything but because I invested so much emotions into him I don't know how to do what is best for me. And yes I know I deserve to find someone who wants what I want now but I just feel so so bad leaving him out there. He's confused in general in life and I know it's not my place to fix him but I feel so attached to him. I don't know how to break free, be selfish, and not hurt him because he will try to act like the victim.
I so hear you, Darlene. So many of us have been brought up to be such "good little girls" which meant making everyone else happy and not rocking the boat by "selfishly" thinking of ourselves. It sounds like there's a story playing out for you that says that you have to put everyone else's needs before your own and that it's scary for you to have someone have their own response to your actions - as in playing the victim. It often feels the way you described when there's a blurring of boundaries between where someone ends and you begin - and what's yours and theirs to own.
See if any of that resonates with you, Darlene. I've found writing about things like this - journaling/getting it out on paper - to be a type of release that allows me to start to see what's underneath what I'm feeling and get to the root of it. Then, when you ask yourself the questions that I would ask you, you start to see things more clearly for yourself. You're so not alone in feeling like this!
Thank you Jane! I just felt so unimportant when he told me this morning why he wasn't available last night (went out drinking w friends) it made me so upset that on his only free time he does not incorporate me. His words and actions are so opposite. THAT was my motivation to tell him that's it today. I was nice and respectful about it, simply made it clear that it's not personal, we are just no longer on the same page and I could no longer wait for him. His response "that's fair I suppose" yes it hurt me that he didn't try to keep me but I can finally be free to fulfill my needs and not have to stress and guess everyday about us. Thank you! 🙂
You're so welcome, Darlene. Be so proud of yourself for seeing it for what it is - two people on different pages - and not taking it personally! There is such a freedom in "not having to stress and guess everyday about us". Exactly! 🙂
Omg... I wish I'd of had your last email to read 18 months ago...it describes my situation perfectly. My heart is truly broken in to pieces from making him the "one and only." Your email brough lots of tears...but it also helped me release tons of guilt. I'm looking forward to dating multiply men...its just dating. You don't have to sleep with the men you date...unless you want to complicate things. Moving own with an entire new attitude!!!! Thank you for the email...it is exactly what I needed to move forward!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Jennifer! There's healing in those tears, in the release of the guilt and "if only's" and all the other things we allow ourselves to suffer through when we beat ourselves up like we do. It is a new attitude, a new mindset - and it's never too late to find it in you!
Dating multiple men is very tricky. It may keep your focus from being on one particular guy. (MAYBE) But you also put yourself at risk of being placed in the category of "the girl we just take out". When a guy wants to get "serious" he wants the woman to be "serious" also. If she is still acting like a teenager, she takes the risk of being left behind for someone who isn't "dating" everyone who asks. It takes time to get to know another person. And it means that you have to stay in control of your emotions. Keep busy with what you like to do and don't get absorbed by a relationship. But do take the time to pay attention to actions and words. Don't ignore red flags, and don't be afraid to stop and move on if you become uncomfortable. Women should not be afraid to be alone.
Great points here, Carolyn. Thanks for adding to the conversation!
How appropriate that rose coloured glass highlight this very truthful and revealing article, Jane. Thanks for the blueprint for going forward...for when I get unstuck and start moving again.
I'm glad you got the point of this, Wayne. It's exactly that; not just what we do, but so much more about what we think and feel and allow ourselves to be! (and you will get there!)