Finding your YOU that leads to TWO
I never left with my head held high.
I never left after careful, well-thought-out consideration, knowing I had done the right thing.
No, that was never me.
I never wanted to leave. No matter what happened, I would do my part to keep the relationship going because love would conquer all.
I would have stayed until the end.Continue Reading
When you don't know exactly what you want, when you don't know exactly what you're worth, when you don't know exactly what you deserve, you get exactly that.
A little of this, a little of that, but never what you're actually looking for - and what you actually want - underneath it all.
When you say "I'll see what I like, I'll see what I want", that's when you get EVERYTHING because now you're going to need to narrow it down.
Because the reality is, you actually do have preferences. You actually do have behaviors you won't tolerate.
That's why you're getting the ones you do, because if you don't first have that inner clarity, you're going to get a chance to find it - and that's usually not what we want, but it's what we get because it's what we need.
Sorting through is this process we're in.
Will you accept this? No, then how about this? Still not right? Ok, what about this?
Where are those boundaries you've never allowed yourself to have? The faster you go through this process, the more clarity you're going to have to get to what you actually want!
Our letter today comes from one of our beautiful readers, Victoria. She's asking for some advice on the heartbreak she's experiencing over someone who's clearly still looking in the rear-view mirror for his ex. Her sister's about to be at her wits' end listening to her (haven't we all had family members like that!), so she's hoping to get some fresh advice on here.
Hi Jane,
Thank you for your comments about unavailable men and us thinking they are with us when in fact they are somewhere else. I just wanted some unbiased advice as I think my sister will be fed up of me shortly and I'm on an emotional roller coaster often ending up in tears.
I have been divorced for a long time, found it difficult to get over my husband leaving so threw myself into guarding my heart to make sure it wasn't broken again and raising my child.
I was introduced by friends 8 months ago to a lovely man who I thought was perfect for me.Continue Reading
There's something you need to know.
If you're not ready to move on from someone, if all you want is to be with him, regardless of how he's treating you right now, because you believe in him and who he is underneath the outside veneer, because you love this man no matter how dysfunctional a love it is, then nothing you do to try to move on or get over him is going to work.
Nothing.
You'd only be fighting yourself in the process.
It's so important for you to understand this because telling yourself it's not working, that you can't move on, that what people are telling you to do, like going no contact or seeking therapy, won't work anyway because you tried that before, only becomes true if what you're currently doing is actually working for you.
I've been there.
Our letter this week comes from one of my readers who's not sure what to make of her new "boyfriend", or if he's even her boyfriend. Sound familiar? Read on to hear more of her story and my response ...
Hi Jane,
So I’ve met this guy via an online app around 1.5 months ago and we’ve been seeing each other ever since then (once or twice a week during the weekends).
We haven’t had the "define the relationship" talk yet but there was one time he called himself “boyfriend” (first few dates) but I only realized it a few days after as I wasn’t really concentrating at that moment.
One time, he also told me how lucky he is to have me as his girlfriend but I did not question him because it was already a late night and I was exhausted so I decided to let it go.
I have been thinking of bringing this relationship talk up but I’m worried he might feel pressured about it so I am just giving us a little bit more time. I am also questioning as to why he would just assume I became his girlfriend before asking me or having the talk.Continue Reading
When your view of yourself is limited to the words you heard growing up as a child from people who had so many of their own issues, because they didn't know how to love themselves let alone love you, their words become your own.
You don't see yourself as lovable, beautiful, spirited, passionate, confident.
You see yourself as flawed, unlovable, clumsy, messy, stubborn, lazy or whatever other words were thrown at you.
As adults, when we don't understand these underlying roots of our assumed identities, we attract people who are familiar to us. People who remind us of our parents, who have a similar view of us as we're used to.
As much as we can hardly bear to hear those words spoken or implied again, it's the only thing we know.
That's why separating those early roots from our reality today is such an important part of creating healthy relationships. We have to first be attracted to healthy people before we can form healthy relationships!
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