You think you've finally found what you're looking for. He seems so different from the rest. He shows all the signs of being into you and you feel like all the work you've been doing on yourself is finally paying off. He seems genuine. He acts like he cares about your feelings and he's not afraid to show you his feelings and let you know how he feels about you. There are the fireworks. You've never felt quite this way about anyone else before and you're starting to think he could be Mr. right.
But before you decide to let your guard down completely and let your heart take over, it's time to take a deep breath and let your practical mind have a say before you’re in any deeper. Before you give yourself away. Before you give him your body and soul because I know you know exactly what I mean. There's the point we reach where there's no turning back. The place where we throw caution to the wind and let ourselves get caught up in the feelings that change everything about our normal, thinking, rational selves.
It's such a short leap between that that place where we still have our heads and can think clearly and that place where the pull of what he offers us becomes stronger than the protection of our true selves. It's that leap between when we can still think logically about him and the relationship, and how much we still don't really know about him and about how much we still need to let time tell to know if he really is different. If he really is worth getting exclusive with. Because no matter how much we try not to, this is our MO.
This is our MO.
This is what we do all too well. We fall head over heels for the guy who sweeps us off our feet, pursues us like there's no one else but you in his sights, because it makes us feel that good. That wanted. That desirable. Because what's really happening is feeling like that helps erase all our previous feelings of unworthiness that we carried over from our original hurts as a little girl. From a time when we felt like we were never enough and had to prove that we were loveable just as we were. So unconscious, but so true.
It colors everything.
Because it's not just about him; it's about us, and how good this feels to be loved and accepted like it seems like we are when we're with him. And while that is a wonderful part of falling in love with someone, and certainly a part of what true love is all about, if we aren't careful, we can begin to see things the way we want them to be and not the way they actually are. We can begin to see him in the light of his potential, and not in the light of reality.
Because that's the kind of loving, caring, giving, woman you are. With a history for repeating this pattern over and over again, with every good and beautiful intention.
Because you don't really know him well enough yet.
Because he hasn't had enough time to prove his worth to you.
Because you have a history of seeing the best side of a guy you're falling for.
Because you have a tendency to not see the other, less favorable sides of him.
Because you are such a loving, giving, pleasing soul, you forget that he has to show you how much he deserves your love, and not the other way around.
You deserve to be loved, my beautiful friend. You deserve to have someone truly love you for yourself just because you're you. And you don't need to prove that to anyone. So don't give yourself away until you know he's the real thing, it's real love, and he's in it for the kind of committed relationship that you want. Make sure he proves that to you first.
Because that's what you really want. Don’t settle for anything less.
Jane, I completely agree and understand where you're coming from. I just don't know the best way to communicate this to the guy I've been seeing. We've been on 5 great dates now and on this last date, for the first time, he made a move on me, wanting "more." I told him I wanted to take it gradually and he seemed really caught off guard for some reason. I think he is expecting to become intimate earlier than I would like and I don't know how to communicate to him that I need more time - quite a bit more time, because I'm really trying to protect myself from being hurt. I want to get to know him better and make sure that we are on the same page - I have my doubts.
Even though he himself has said that we have a great time together and that he likes me, he has shown a few signs of either hesitation or disinterest, such as not calling or texting often and forgetting to call me back one time, as well. I know what I have to do: take it slowly and keep my feet on the ground. I'm just not sure how to communicate this to him and to be honest, I'm afraid I'll scare him off.
You can sweetly tell him you really like him, but that you're not ready for that yet. You have every right to set your boundaries. If he doesn't understand or gets "scared off" believe me, it wasn't you. He's just not the one. If a man is interested in YOU, he'll be OK with your boundaries. Don't be afraid to say no when you don't want to. You saying yes for fear of scaring him off is starting off on the wrong foot. If you have to do something you don't want to keep him, he's not right. It's not right.
You yourself are saying there are signs you don't like. Watch out for those. Don't be with a man sexually unless he's proven he's right for you.
If you scare him off by being true to yourself, by taking things slowly and keeping your feet on the ground because this is what you know is best for you, then he is showing you that he isn't on the same page as you. When we hesitate to be true to ourselves because of fear of what that might mean to someone else, we give away the very power that has attracted him to you. Don't do that to you! Your actions will say so much more than your words ever do, so if you simply live what you believe you will be communicating so much to him. Telling someone you want to take it gradually is the smartest, most self-respecting response you can give someone, because if you're in it for more than one thing, of course you want to get to know them better before you become intimate. If he's not on that page, be so glad you're finding out now. Anyone who doesn't respect you for this or isn't ok with being caught off guard with you expressing how you feel is showing you more of who he is. That's the whole point of getting to know someone slowly; finding out if who they are and what they're in this for is compatible with you.
I really wish I had of found this article before May 2009. It might have saved me from a devastating heart breaking that I'm still trying to pick up the emotional pieces from. It was everything you described in this article. I thought I'd meet my soul mate and I threw caution to the wind and jumped in head first. Only by the time I realized this guy wasn't truly on the same page, he was breaking my heart. It's comforting to read this now and know that I can definitely pay attention in the future.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Nikki. Please know that you're so not alone, my beautiful friend; that so many of us wish we could have learned these things before we had a reason to, and that the best we can always do is love ourselves enough to know that we all do the best we can with what we know at the time. I was only able to write this article because I've been there, so I understand exactly what you're talking about here. It's part of our journey, and it's all about those two steps forward, one step back, as we learn and grown, and learn some more along the way. It's never as easy on our beautiful, believing, trusting hearts as we'd like it to be!