letting go

He Disappeared Without An Explanation

A man is walking down a path through a green field into misty fog representing a man who disappeared without an explanation from his relationship. — I am in so much pain.

Our dear friend, Sophia, has recently had an experience with "the disappearing man" and needs our help!

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I have been reading your blogs and they have really made me start to look at my life. The information is very helpful and also the advice of others that read your blog.

I am in so much pain. I recently got dumped by the disappearing man. It has been very hard because even though I felt like something was wrong and asked him throughout the relationship did he want to be with me he lied and said that he did.

My problem is I have read the blogs on letting go and your recently one today about using your head and heart, but am so angry.

I still want to see him, I still think about him, and I still want an answer to why even though I know there really is no reason for you to just disappear on someone without an explanation.Continue Reading

I Know He's Using Me But I Can't Resist Him!

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One of our beautiful readers, S, is in a relationship with a man who doesn't want any kind of commitment, but still wants the physical benefits of a relationship with her.

Sound familiar?

She has requested that I post her letter here to share with all of you so that she can have your additional thoughts and support on her situation.

Her letter:

There is this guy who is my senior in a med school.

Earlier on people alerted me about his flirtatious character and that he uses girls for only sex. But I took everything as rumors.

I fell for him believing everything as rumors.

After going out twice, this guy proposed me saying he wants to date me. When I went to his flat for the first time he told me that he wants to kiss me.

Later on after few months when I asked him for commitment and where our relation is heading, he told me he likes me but can't give any commitment as he wants to marry according to his parents' choice.

Fine I know I have been emotionally used, but the problem is I have fallen for him so badly that it's getting impossible for me to let him go and move on.

I tried ignoring him, but as soon as I see his texts, I can't resist my urge to talk to him. He has clearly mentioned me that he can be my friend but can't marry him. Then why on earth he approaches me for sexual needs?

I have told him several times that it's wrong still he tries to do that.

Please tell me what should I do? I am actually fed up of myself as I am unable to control my feelings. Should I stop talking to him completely without saying anything to him, or what should I do?

Please reply. (Kindly don't mention my identity while using this email publicly)

Thank you,

"S"

My Response:

Dear "S",

Do whatever you need to do to get over him, because someone who is right for you will never treat you less than you deserve to be treated.

It sounds like the two of you are clearly on different pages and looking for different things, and clearly he isn't respecting you enough to stop his behavior even though you've asked him too.

See it for what it is; two people not on the same page, looking for different things from each other and a different type of relationship. No matter what your emotions say, this is about the reality of what is and not the fantasy of what you'd like it to be.

So this comes down to you, S, and I would ask yourself why you have fallen for someone who doesn't respect you, who doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated and who isn't on the same page as you? What do you have to fall for?

You can control your feelings, you can ignore him, you can resist your urge to talk to him but you have to want to.

You're the only one who can do this and you are that strong if you want to be!

It's always your decision!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend who is experiencing this all too familiar situation? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!

Should I Just Let Go and Move On?

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One of our beautiful readers, Anna, is feeling hurt and confused, and is wondering if it's time for her to move on - here's her story and my thoughts:

Hello, thank you for reading my letter.

I'm 46 years old, fit, attractive mum and works full time. I've been dating a 55 year old man for almost 3 years. His children are grown up and all moved out and I still have a 16 year old daughter at home. He is a truck driver and begins work at 3 am and returns home at 3 pm. I work regular hours.

We do not live together and I don't let him stay over because we've never discussed a future together, he's always treated our situation as a day by day thing. I don't want a man to stay over unless I'm in a proper committed relationship and I have my daughter to consider and set an example to, my opinion anyway!

He is a kind man but he's never really there for me in times of need, if there's a problem where I need male help, it's not him! Due to his job, he tells me he's often tired and needs to catch up with rest in the weekends.

We have never been away in a weekend or holiday, he may come for dinner to my place through the week but it's like eat and run. Come the weekend and we may just go out for dinner on a Saturday night.

His family always come first, if they need money, he just hands it out so easily but he appears very tight with his money when it comes to me but I've never asked him for money even though at times I struggle being a single mum.

Our sex life is amazing but that's seems to be the only thing that's great.

I try to discuss a future with him but he doesn't really get involved in the conversation and never expresses where he wants to see this situation of ours going.

I express my feelings and thoughts to him, I raise having a holiday together, I talk about living together, I tell him how I feel but I'm just don't seem to be getting anywhere with him? I get so frustrated at times that I feel like I'm wasting my time and just settling for a dating pattern only!

We've broken up a couple of times but then he calls me and tells me he loves me and wants me but then things go back to exactly the same old situation, there's no progress or change. I feel I've opened my life to him but I feel he has his family on one side and me on the other, sometimes I feel he doesn't really care about me and that I'm just a habit to him?

I don't know what to make of it but my family sees I'm not really happy and feel I can do better but I feel so attached to him and it's hard to let go. I haven't spoken to him in 3 weeks now due to another one of those little break ups again as I told him not to contact me unless he's genuinely serious about having a proper committed relationship with me.

I'm so much hurting and confused but I'm trying hard to keep busy and not think about him too much but up till now, I've heard nothing from him, should I just let go and move on?

Thanks Anna

My Response:

Dear Anna,

It's always in that space you give someone that you find out what you really mean to them. It sounds like he's perfectly content with the way things are - all on his terms. So you have to decide whether he's worth it.

If he is, if being with him on his clear terms that he's made clear to you by the way he behaves with you and by the way he treats you, is better than being alone or without him, then that's the choice you make. If it's not, if he's not worth it, if you have different terms and they're not compatible, then make that choice.

You're always the one doing the choosing, my beautiful friend; even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. You can't make anyone love you, you can't change anyone or make anyone change or see things your way. It always comes down to two people and whether or not you're both on the same page and want the same thing with each other. And then if you're both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

He may say he loves you and wants you back when you're broken up, but what does that really mean to him? Is it enough for him to come far enough your way? Of course he misses what he has with you. He's so lucky to be with someone like you!

We sell ourselves short all too often for so many different reasons based on where we're at, what we're afraid of, or what we feel we need from someone else and can't live without or give ourselves. And we can be pretty convincing to ourselves of why we should put up with more than what we know in our hearts we should.

You're worth the whole package, Anna, but we all have our reasons and our motivations and why we choose what and who we do is a very personal thing.

Choose you first and foremost, and then make the decision that gives you the greatest amount of peace and calm, and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. You are so right; you have a beautiful daughter to set an example for; she will learn to be strong and know her worth from you.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Is it time for Anna to let go and move on? Tell us your thoughts here in the comments!

It's A Balance

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There are days when it feels like nothing happens quickly enough.

These are the days when my patience gives into impatience and I find myself struggling with the fact that something is taking so much longer than I’d like instead of surrendering to the gentle flow of what is and allowing things to progress at the pace that is meant to be.

And I’m reminded of how similar a feeling this is to when I was single, when one of the biggest questions I had for the universe, for God – and for anyone who I thought knew more than I did on the subject – was how much am I supposed to do and how much was I supposed to let happen?

Because the problem was that it always seemed to be taking far too long when I let go and relinquished control, but when I stepped in and tried to make it happen I only seemed to mess everything up. There was the dilemma.

Fortunately, I’ve learned a thing or two since then. I've learned that it’s a balance.

It's a dance, if you will, of moving forward, of doing what each of us feels inspired to do, of doing what we need to do, of doing what life seems to ask of us to do by what it brings us. And then balancing that with who we are at our core. With our inherent gifts and passions, and abilities, and our dreams and our goals.

Doing what makes us happy, what makes the world a better place, what makes us live with ourselves in a beautiful state of peace and calm. At least that’s what we strive for.

It’s never perfect. It’s never quite the way we plan, and it’s never quite as easy as it sounds.

But it’s in that balance that we make a life for ourselves; a beautiful imperfect journey that never quite seems to move fast enough or have all the pieces we’d like it to have.

And sometimes there’s so many never-ending questions and so many decisions to be made that seem to have such consequential effects. And before we know it, we can become so bogged down in what isn’t and what we still need to do and become, that we forget to focus on the simplicity of where we are and all that we’ve already done.

So here you are, today, with so many questions, so many doubts, so many fears, hoping that something will come your way soon to change it all and make it all better and have it all make sense!

Find your balance, my beautiful friend.

Accept what is. Accept what isn’t. Work on changing what you want to make different. Work on accepting what you’re having such a hard time letting go of.

But most of all, remember the balance.

Is it really worth your peace of mind? Is he – or anyone else – really worth the effect he’s having on you? Is this really worth your beautiful you?

Just as I have to accept the reality that I can’t physically be there for each and every one of you to spend a day with you to walk with you in your shoes to be that cheerleader that I’d love to be so you could see yourself the way I do. So too do you have to accept your reality that where you are right now is where you are. But it doesn’t have to be done with such urgency. It's a journey.

Nothing has to be done with such impatience, such fear, such doubt, such self-loathing and longing for anything but the way things are now. One step at a time, one glimmer of light at a time, one a-ha moment at a time.

Let the universe or God or whatever you believe in light that way for you in answer to your hopes and dreams and prayers that you put out there.

But let your feet take you there as well.

A dance of both, coming together in their own beautiful time until somewhere along the way, you discover the same truth I discovered so many years ago.

There are so many different paths to the same place.

Yes, I could have gotten there sooner. Yes, it could have happened differently. And yes, it was so hard to wait for.

But somehow, in that dance, something else happens that's more than just an outcome. It’s the growing of yourself and that beautiful woman you are that it’s not just about an outcome but about a self-discovery of who you really are and how worthy you really are that is every bit as essential to this process as is the culmination of the love that you've been longing for.

It’s life-changing, my beautiful friend, and worth every single moment of the journey, no matter how long it seems to be taking, no matter how impatient we can be.

The Difference Between Giving Up Too Soon and Giving Up Too Much

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One of our beautiful readers recently made an observation about how I tend to talk more about letting go and getting out of a relationship that isn't working than I do about working harder to make it work. She made a very good point, and it really got me thinking.

It's very true. I do.

But there’s a reason.

It’s because staying in a bad relationship and trying to make it work is an area where most of us don't need any encouragement. We are some of the hardest working, most well-intentioned fighters to keep any relationship going. We'll just keep on trying to row that boat up a waterfall even though we're the only ones doing any of the paddling.

We're oh so understanding, hopeful and so, so optimistic. We always believe we can make him love us.

And that’s exactly why we’re hurting and having our hearts broken all too much of the time.

You’re the first to say, “We can work it out”. You’re the first to stay and try to prove just how much your relationship is worth fighting for.

Your willingness to do this is not the problem.

It’s who you’re choosing to stay and work it out with that’s causing the concern.

It’s who you're refusing to give up on that’s the problem.

I agree that relationships take some effort, and if you're with a guy that's making an effort, even if he might be falling short in some areas, then it's worth the effort on your part as well. I certainly wouldn't recommend dropping him just because he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink or his smelly socks on the floor, or that he'd rather be watching the ball game when you want to go antiquing. These kinds of things can be worked out.

But these aren't the kinds of stories that I'm hearing.

I'm hearing about the guy who's treating you like an option, a convenience. Somebody to see when there's nothing better going on. The guy who disappears for days or weeks only to re-appear and act like nothing happened. The kind of guy that's telling you he's not ready for a commitment. I'm hearing about the crumbs.

The kind of guy where you know, deep in your heart, that you deserve better.

You see, our compass is typically off on this one. We don’t know how to tell the difference between who’s worth it and who isn't.

In fact, most of us have got it backwards.

You give up too soon on the nice guy; the one who you should be staying around longer to give him more of a chance. But you refuse to give up on the player who’s only wasting more of your time while you're trying to prove to him that you’re the one who’s worth it, when that’s what he should be doing with you!

I know because I did it too.

It’s time to figure out the difference. It’s time to awaken to the point of all this. To give the nice guy a chance and let the other ones go.

Learn how to spot the real keepers.

Because if you can learn to tell the difference, you’re well on your way to finding a healthy, happy relationship.

One that really is worth fighting for.

Am I Too Nice?

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Some recent questions I've gotten from a few of our beautiful readers are: How can I stop being so nice? How can I stop being so emotional? I want to be the dream girl, not the doormat!

Here's my response:

You are nice! You are emotional! Not only do you not need to stop, you need to love about yourself the very fact that you have these beautiful qualities!

You have the ability to feel, to empathize, to care, to love - and to do these all so deeply. These are special gifts you have to share with someone who is worthy of you! Someone who is looking for someone just like you because these are the qualities you possess. But when you are just getting to know someone, there's no possible way to know if this is someone you want to share these qualities – essentially, your YOU – with. You don’t know him well enough yet to know if this is someone you really want to have anything to do with at all!

I know how this happens because it used to happen to me all too often. Someone would come into my life and start paying so much attention to me that I was so flattered I would immediately start going into my programming. If he was confident, attractive and had those other surface factors that piqued my interest, I was there. I was showing him just how much of a catch I was, how much I had to offer him and giving him every reason to stop looking any further because I was everything he could possibly want in a girlfriend!

But there was something I had missed in this process. I wasn't taking my time to get to know him. I wasn't slowing things down to a speed that would allow me to do this. I was too excited, too caught up in his potential and the pace he was setting that I wasn't taking the time to figure out if he was really the right guy for me.

What I didn't now then that I do know now is that if he was the right guy for me, he wouldn't think I was too nice, or too emotional, in fact he would love those qualities about me!

This isn't about pretending to be something you’re not. While much of the popular dating advice centers around how to play it cool and how to play hard to get – where it falls short is that if you’re not there, if you’re not in that place in your life where you’re so confident of your worth and what you have to offer and you have enough of a life that behaving like this comes from your real self, pretending is going to have the opposite effect. You’re going to be acting like something you’re not, and so you’ll be attracting someone who is looking for this other person you’re pretending to be and not your beautiful true self!

You see, this isn't about you being too emotional, too nice, or not playing it cool enough. This is about you being who you really are!

It's also about guarding this beautiful heart and soul of yours and not giving yourself away to someone you don’t even know yet. It’s about being your true emotional self but also bringing in that practical side that we forget to bring along all too often so that she can give us her honest assessment of whether or not he’s worthy of all you have to offer him – because you do have so much to offer!

It’s not about playing hard to get, but actually being hard to get because you know that no man is worth dropping your own life, your own interests, your own friends and family for.

No matter how tempting it is for us to rush into things, to get so caught up in being in love and letting our emotions run wild because we’re so ready to be done looking for love, it's never worth it. The reality is that the only thing this kind of reaction does is get us so caught up in our fantasies - that are the farthest thing from reality - that we can’t get bring ourselves to get out once we’re in. And that’s what takes so much time!

Going through this process of falling so hard so fast and losing ourselves in another human being only to find out too late that you weren't on the same page, only hurts us in the end. Then we spend so much time in the recovery process – letting go and getting over someone who wasn't right for us if we had just taken the time in the beginning to find this out before investing so much of ourselves. It’s no wonder it’s hard to justify ending something that we've invested so much of ourselves in!

Take that time in the beginning. Slow things down. Make him wait for you. Keep living your own beautiful life that you've created for yourself and let him be a part of all this slowly enough so you can see just how compatible he really is with you. If he’s not the one for you, you want to find this out sooner, not later, before you've invested so much of your beautiful you!

It doesn't matter who he is, what he has to offer, or how much of a catch he seems to be; you’re the catch, my beautiful friend! You save your own beautiful, feeling, loving, giving self for someone who is looking for those qualities in you.

If he’s right for you and this is meant to be, there’s nothing you ever need to be except yourself. And that's true regardless of how nice, how emotional, or how whatever else you are!

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He Disappeared Without An Explanation

Here's her story:

I Know He's Using Me But I Can't Resist Him!

Her letter:

My Response:

Should I Just Let Go and Move On?

My Response:

It's A Balance

The Difference Between Giving Up Too Soon and Giving Up Too Much

Am I Too Nice?

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