letting go

It's Fantastic, But Then He Acts Weird and Distant

A beautiful woman sits across from a man during a date that she doesn't want to be on. — As soon as he knows I'm done with the games, he pulls me back in.

Gorgeous Maria keeps getting pulled back into a relationship, only to have him pull away and get distant again.

Here's what she wrote:

Hi Jane, thank you in advance.

I'm trying to figure out why my ex won't let go of me all together.

And why does he act weird/distant when it comes to us actually meeting for dinner or even visiting him out of town where he lives.

As soon as he knows I'm done with his games he leaves me alone for a week or so, then calls. We have fantastic conversations. When we text or call/face time it's fantastic. But when he sees me face to face he gets weird cold feet.Continue Reading

Why You Need to Lean In to Let Go

14 Comments

Beautiful woman walking in the field and runs hand through the high dry grass in autumn. — You don’t go down. You don't become powerless. You don’t lose your shine.

I did it again.

I put my foot in my mouth. In my excitement, my passion, my well-intentioned motive to connect more deeply, I say or do something that makes me feel awkward.

Again.

I should be getting used to this by now, but it’s still an uncomfortable place for me. So I’m learning a new way of dealing with, well, me.

If I allow myself to care so much about what other people are now going to think of me, or what they’re going to say about me, then I’ve given them all the power.

But if instead I recognize that no, this is all me - that I said what I said with all that passion behind it because this, too is the authentic real me - then I keep every bit of my power. And maybe I even gain some.

I’ve been thinking about this lately, because, well, it came up again.Continue Reading

One Word. NOW.

14 Comments

Sand passing through the glass bulbs of an hourglass measuring the passing time representing wasting time in a dead end relationship with a man who won't commit. — Before another hour, before another day goes by.

I’ve got just one word for you today: NOW.

You need to hear this and you need to hear it now.

Before another moment goes by. Before another hour, before another day goes by.

I know just how important it is, first hand.Continue Reading

Why Losing the Emotionally Unavailable Man is Never, Ever a Loss

65 Comments

A beautiful woman sits on a bench in a park by herself. — It's not the loss you think it is. Here's why.

He’s gone or you left. Does it matter?

Not deep down in your heart where it hurts. Even if you were the one who said “enough”, it wasn’t really because you wanted to. It was because you felt you had to.

He couldn’t do it.

You tried everything to make him see, to show him what a mistake he was making if he threw it all away.

But the problem was, he couldn’t. He didn’t have it in him in the end. He may have tried, but we can’t speak for him. What we know is that he simply wasn’t capable.

I know you're heart broken. I know you're feeling down. But let me show you a different perspective here. One that took me years to figure out, and one I wished I’d had when I needed it most.Continue Reading

I Want to Let Go But He Still Has My Heart

10 Comments

Woman one the beach reflecting on letting go. — I'm so confused about whether I should do something or not.

One of our gorgeous readers, Heather, is having a hard time letting go of a relationship that she knows is not what she wants.

Here's her letter:

Hi Jane!

I've been following you for a little while. I find your explanations and responses very comforting...so thank you!

I'm going to try to summarize this as best I can.

I met a man almost 3 years ago who changed my world. We were together for almost 2 years with a brief break in the middle. Our issue then and what ended up breaking us up was the issue of having kids.

He's 10 years older than me. He has 3 foster kids and didn't want to have anymore. I wasn't ready to give up on the idea of having kids so we split.

We didn't talk for a little while after the break up but then ended up staying in contact until about a month ago.Continue Reading

Why Do I Still Feel Like I Love Him?

17 Comments

A beautiful woman sits on a park bench wondering why she loves him. — I feel like I'm just punishing myself when I contact him.

Beautiful Kim writes to tell us about an emotionally unavailable man that she's fallen for.

Here's her email:

Dear Jane,

I have read your articles and wondered whether you might be able to help me.

I am a 54 year old woman. I married young and stayed married for 22 years. My husband was very controlling and so we did not have friends.

Eventually one of my sons told me to get away from him and I found the courage to leave.

I have a good job (clinical nurse manager.) I have nice girlfriends who care and support me and I live alone in a little cottage with my little dog.

For 7 years I had not felt I wanted to be with any man. Then 4 years ago I met someone, a doctor from Poland who works 2 weeks on and has 1 or 2 weeks off when he goes home to Poland. He is 39 years old.Continue Reading