He’s gone or you left. Does it matter?
Not deep down in your heart where it hurts. Even if you were the one who said “enough”, it wasn’t really because you wanted to. It was because you felt you had to.
He couldn’t do it.
You tried everything to make him see, to show him what a mistake he was making if he threw it all away.
But the problem was, he couldn’t. He didn’t have it in him in the end. He may have tried, but we can’t speak for him. What we know is that he simply wasn’t capable.
I know you're heart broken. I know you're feeling down. But let me show you a different perspective here. One that took me years to figure out, and one I wished I’d had when I needed it most.
After he left. Or after I finally walked away. Or anytime during the months (sometimes years) following when I continued to revisit what had happened and if there was anything else I could possibly have done to make him stay.
You see, you can’t lose a man who’s emotionally unavailable. He’s already gone. Because he was never really there in the first place.
He was never yours to lose.
Whatever you thought he was, was only an illusion.
This is so important to understand. See, he goes through life acting like he can do it. Showing up just enough, and giving you just enough, for you to believe in his potential, in what he’s oh so close to being.
But that’s all you get. That's all you ever get.
So whether he either disappears on his own accord, or whether you let him go because you can’t do this anymore, as much as it seems like you’ve lost HIM, the reality is all you've really lost is the dream.
You’ve lost your idea of him, your plans for the two of you, your hope of everything the two of you could have dreamed and planned together.
It doesn’t help that he’s one of the most sensitive guys you’ve ever met, or that you could talk for hours about everything or nothing, or that you never felt such a strong connection with anyone like you did with him.
Of course it was all those things and more. Because this is a man who wants to be, who thinks he can be capable of loving a woman like you. A woman who feels, who cares, who isn’t afraid to show her emotions, who isn’t afraid to be who she is.
But something happens to him when he's actually got what he thinks he wants.
He finds out he can’t live up to his part of the relationship. He finds out he can’t do and be what he thought he could. So he creates space, he pulls away, he finds every reasonable excuse to draw from to make it impossible for him to be emotionally expressive to you, all in an effort to be as normal and capable of a relationship as possible.
Just wait til you’ve got the gift of hindsight working for you. Just wait til you see that this is his loss a thousand times over!
To have a woman with values, who knows her worth, who refuses to settle for anything less than a bonafide, real relationship. This is a woman who didn’t lose anything, and certainly NEVER a real man. You may not be able to see it when it’s happening, but look back and when you realize who you are and what you’re worth, you'll see him for exactly who he never was.
That’s right. Who he never was.
I’m not saying you have no right to feel what you’re feeling, or that your pain should in any way be lessened for what it is. It feels to love, it feels to love every part of his potential. It feels to go through everything you went through because of him.
But what I'm saying is when you're looking at the bigger picture in terms of the wasted time and energy and commitment on your part, don’t view this as yet another loss or some further indication that you’re damaged goods incapable of ever finding someone who’s going to be on the same page as you.
Yes, right now it feels like a loss, but in the big picture it’s you finding out the truth. It’s you finding out the obvious truth we can never see when our hearts are lost in the emotion of someone who gives us just enough to believe in what could be.
And we all know just how good are we are at that!
So what do you do with this? How does recognizing him being gone, him leaving, you walking away (read: him not being in your life anymore) as no real loss give you the strength to carry on, to move on, to get over him and not spend any more of your time and energy on this man?
It does this by giving you a choice. One that’s all yours.
You get to choose your perspective. You can choose the one that makes you believe you could have someone done something different to try to make him come around, or you can choose the one that accepts you only had a tiny piece of him to begin with no matter what you could have done. The one that says the epic loss you're feeling isn’t really epic at all.
The one that realizes while it feels epic, it’s only because it weaves itself deep into a story you’ve been carrying with you for far too long.
The perspective that makes you see there is no loss. There is no “I’ll never get it right”. There is no, “look what I’ve done”. There’s just the truth being revealed that you couldn’t see any other way. You bet it hurts. But underneath, you’re still gold. And now you're even better, because you can see the truth.
How about you, beautiful? Been here? Going through it now? You’re in good company. Share your story in the comments below. You’ll be heard. A heart or two’s been here before.
"Temporary people teach permanent lessons." What a good reminder for todsy.
I’m 19. 🤞
I fell in love with my first love 4 years ago, when I was just 15.💑
My first everything. He was 17.
A year into our relationship he cheated with a girl he worked with.😓
I was heartbroken💔, but sure enough, when he came crawling back, I took him back, 🤷♀️
because of course that’s all I wanted when he was gone. #mistake😬
Since then we have been off and on. It’s always been me initiating the breakups. 🙁
But just like this article says, I never WANTED to. 🥺
I just needed to.
My heart grew too heavy after time and I started resenting him. 😠
Things would be really good for a while, then take a turn for the worst right after. A rollercoaster🎢.
I always knew I loved him. 💕
I still do.
He was my first love, and he wasn’t a horrible person.
He just wasn’t meant for me, and hurt me one too many times.
Never emotionally there. 🙅♀️
I could never be upset about something (literally anything) and talk to him about it without him making it about him and/ or starting an argument, causing the whole situation to get worse.🗣❌
He was an alcoholic and recovering addict. ✖️
He would lie straight to my face.
Didn’t matter how many times I cried to him about how badly him lying hurt me.
He just didn’t care. 🤷♀️
Didn’t matter if I already knew the truth.
He was always lying and bending the truth/ or leaving out important details of a situation.
He broke me. He really did. 😭😭
The most courageous thing I’ve ever done is walk away. 🚶🏻♀️ ⬅️ 👨
And it’s hard. It’s still so hard. But anytime I start to think I miss him I remember the pain that came with the relationship, and even though I was in a relationship, I felt more alone than I do being single!
I used to hate being alone and get terrible anxiety, but I’m learning to love my own company.
And love myself again. ❤️ 👩🏻
I know this was long and a lot to read, so if anyone’s read this far- awesome! I usually don’t like to post too personal info on the internet but this was more for a venting thing more than anything else, and if my story can inspire someone else, that would mean everything. I was completely alone during my heartbreak and it makes it 10000x worse.
So my advice to you is - don’t wait. ✋ don’t wait for him to change, he’s not going to.
Love yourself more. 💗
Be courageous.
Love yourself more. 💜
You are strong enough.
Love yourself more. ♥️
You are brave.
I know you love him.
But love yourself more. 💙
Reach out to friends and family, get a support system. It’s easier to not be alone during this time.
Remember that you are whole, you are not half.
Love. Yourself. More. 🖤🖤🖤
This sounds oh so familiar! I must have left him 100 times and even divorced him and remarried him or his potential! He always seemed to work hard after it was over and then I would fall for him again and again!
I thought I had finally met the perfect man for me. We talked about everything up front, our past, our goals for the future and we just fit. Even the little things worked. Then there was the little lie here and there that always involved other women. He is a very smart man and I realize now that deep down he never really cared that deeply. Once he was "done", he carefully calculated staying in the relationship to pay off his bills and get his kids thru school to where he could be on his own without ties. He lied and used me all while under the pretense of being this great guy to everyone and doesn't seem to have any remorse for where it left me.
Your story really spoke to me.
We have a lot in common.
Sometimes it just helps to know I’m not the only one.
Thank you for sharing!
This is beautiful, Anna, thanks for sharing.
Hi folks,
Just thought I'd share my story as a man. I've dated two EU women in a row but I will only talk about my most recent ex. She is a busy working single mum of two children aged 7 and 14. The father of those children was very bad to her. Violence, emotional abuse, controlling her bwhaviour. By all accounts a nightmare. She was taken into a protective shelter to get away from him. That was 6 years ago. It left her EU. She hasn't had a close relationship last longer that 3 months; we only got 4 months. She lacks empathy (her words), she was self centred and generally only concerned with her needs. She couldn't communicate emotions well and completely shuts down in times of conflict. All the distancing traits were there: not responding to texts or calls, me adjusting my schedule to suit her, cancelling dates at the last minute or leaving plans unconfirmed until the last minute. This is all a means of control, it orevented her from ever being hurt. If she controlled the relationship she won't get hurt again. She had covert and not so covert ways of reminding me I wasn't a major priority to her. She presented herself as a strong independant woman who doesn't need any man but would like one. This of course was all a fascade. Behind that lay a woman who had put so many walls up (she admitted this) to prevent herself being exposed to hurt.
Despite this I stayed because every now and then I would see the person behind all this and I fell for her. However slowly the distancing was building frustration and anxiety in me. Its so hard when you give so much ans get so little in return but I hoped that by providing consistant and supporting love, with an understanding of her issues, she would eventually drop those walls and be fully present.
A week before she end she became really distant. This really panicked me. I asked her what was going on from her perspective. She said she wasn't sure she had the time a relationship needs to grow and that she felt guilty when she was with me for not being with her kids and also guilty about not spending time with me. I was thinking "Why introduce me and have me bond with those kids! Why indroduce me to your family." I know of course she was feeling the presure of now having to show up as the relationship was making its way past the honeymoon period. To relieve this I told her I understood and that she had no reason to feel guilty. I accepted she was a single mum. She seemed to accept this but I'm not sure she really did.
Unfortunately that night something happened. I was stressed from the conversation earlier, working 14 days straight and also the anxiety that had been building in me from the relationship in general. That night her youngest child was acting up. Throwing things and generally being a handful. My ex wasn't in the room at the time. The child picked up a box of chocolates that I bought my gf for her birthday. I knew she was going to drop them so I asked her to please put them down. The child ignored my request. The child then dropped them all over the floor ruining them. I was upset. At that instant it felt like those chocolates were a metaphor for the relationship; lying on the floor in peices and I was the only one who cared. I scolded the child, telling her that her behaviour was unacceptable and that she had to pick them up now. I raised my voice but didn't become abusive but was maybe a bit harsh. The child did as asked and then left the room. Unknown to me, the child went upstairs and cried to her mum. When I found out I was shocked. I immediatly apologised to the child and told her that I was sorry I got upset but that the chocolates had been a gift to her mum who I care about a lot. We hugged it out and the child was happy again.
My girlfriend completely shut down. She refused my apologies and ended the relationship the next day. I asked to talk but she completely refuses and won't even take a call. Her kids have attempted to reach out as they miss me and still no emotion from their mother.
She told me she is extremely over protective of them and I get why, given her past. However, the complete emotional shut down and refusal to deal with the situation shocked me. She seems to have painted me out in her mind as a man who shouts at kids for no reason, when nothing coyld be further from the case. I loved and cared deeply for those children.
I know I stepped on emotional landmine with my ex and I apologised for it but EU people cannot handle emotions at all. Interestingly when I sent a simple "How are you" text with no emotion in it she did reply cordially. They can deal with surface level stuff but little else.
Its been two weeks and a friend tells me she is back online dating. I believe its a move on her part to block it all out and act like nothing is wrong and that life is fine without processing her emotions or the events. They say about 6 weeks after the breakup is when they begin to process things and might actually miss you. At this stage the vacant "I'm fine" mask begins to drop. .
I do care for her but I realise that my reaction to the child was the result of bottling up all my anxiety about the relationship in part. I also realise that her reason for leaving has probably a lot more reasons than just me scolding her child given the conversation we had earlier that day.
Its just so hard to conceptualise because I believe she cared and then once she started to develop real feelings for me pulled away. That isn't how my mind is wired, but then I haven't been through what she has.
I eonder is there any hope? And even if there was hope, if we were able to reconsile would I be able to cope with my needs being second all the time? Or with takkng things slow and building trust again over a long time would she eventually open up and become available? I guess you could say I am confused...
Sorry about the long message... and probably a few typos..
Killian,
I am sorry that you are going through this pain and confusing. It's hard for sure.
As I read your post I had a few thoughts for you:
She will not change. This is who she is. No matter what you offer to her will not make any difference. It is not in your power or influence to change her. No amount of your love, patience, kindness, etc. will undo the experiences that led her to this point in time. The work to change herself is only something she can do for herself.
That may seem harsh and not what you want to hear but I ask you to ponder it.
The other thought I'd like to offer is to ask yourself if you would be happy with her knowing your needs don't get met, she demonstrates no emotional connection to you, etc. Is that how you define a loving, caring and fulfilling relationship?
I stayed with my ex for two long years waiting for him to show emotions, love, etc. Turns out he couldn't do it, doesn't know how to do it or whatever. I wish I knew what EU was during this two years but I didn't. I just thought he moved slower than me. I'm smarter now.
Don't be like me and spend two years longing for something that will never come. Yes, they will occasionally show love and maybe even say the words but don't settle for crumbs when you deserve the whole cake.
You deserve someone who wants you. Now go out and find her.
Best to you.
Hi everyone,
I had read all your post and I am grateful that I came over this page.
I apologize in advance as my first language is not English.
I went to a break-up now almost 6 months ago, and it's still hurting me every day maybe because I am not sure with who I was really involved.
I met my ex while he was still with his first girlfriend. He cheated on her and I discovered it a few months later. I was stupidly attached, so I accepted to be his option B while he was trying to get out from his relationship with his girlfriend. Thing is, this situation lasted one year. I should have never accepted this.
After one year of playing on both side, he finally took the decision to break with her.
After that I knew that it was almost impossible to build a relationship and it's exactly what happened. He told me at that time, that he needed to be alone and was not ready to be in a new relationship.
After 3 months of no contact, by the time I was getting better, he came back to me and told me that he really wanted to be with me in a relationship with me. I still had feelings for him so I let him came back into my life.
1 month later, he lost his mum and after a few months, he was struggling with work and admit later that he felt really depressed. I tried to be on his side by this time and very supportive.
Even If I knew that something was wrong after a few months like his emotional connection, we still had good times but I also felt really lonely in this relation.
It was often hot and cold with him.
After 2 years, one morning after waking up together, he told me that he didn't saw a future with me, that he wanted to be alone, and that we had too many difficulties. He told me that he was feeling better in his life and was not 100% in this relation.
I was really shocked even if I felt during a few weeks before that something was on his mind but he never told me about, was always pretending everything was ok. He was actually really good at acting with kind messages and pretending.
I reached out one month after to have some kind of closure. I just felt no emotions coming from him, like everything was perfect in his life and he told me that he didn't change his decision. I was again broken from inside. I tried to show some affection but he gave me only cold gestures. I spend a day with him and he told me things that I can hardly forget.
He said that I forced to be in a relationship with him, that he never wanted LOL he stayed 2 fucking years with me and that he would have probably cheated on me like he made with his previous ex girlfriend. He said he lost his attraction towards me.
After that, I was really depressed, I was angry towards myself, trying to understand what could I have done more in this relationship in order to be still with the person I gave so much.
4 months after, I was getting better and enjoying my holidays. He send me a message telling me he needed to get some stuff back that he had left at mine.
I replied to him and he continued the conversation via messages for one week, like nothing happened.
As soon as he got his stuff back he disappeared and never replied.
I had a feeling that he met someone else but I couldn't be sure about it.
I saw him again one week after he took his stuff back because he forgot one thing that belongs to him. I told him that we didn't need to speak, but he said he wanted to speak.
When I saw him, we decide to grab something to eat, I didn't showed any emotion and told me him about how I was making progress in building my company and told him about my travels that I really enjoyed.
He told me coming from nowhere that he got a new girlfriend since one month, how good he is with her and that they already went on holiday together and also that they are planning to go on holiday really soon again.
I was broken from inside but I decided to show nothing to him, he already hurt me enough.
But yes, I cried a lot again, thinking that I was not good enough to him and again I was blaming myself.
I made some research on the internet trying to understand why I felt so empty after this relation and how can a person be so rude with me after all the love and care that I gave to him.
I realized that he never cared about me, that he often criticized me, my family, my friends.
I also realized that he was never able to feel good in his previous relationship. He cheated on his ex, he was with her during 5 years but he told me a few times that he was not happy the last few years. I was always telling myself - how it's possible to stay so long with someone if you don"t want to. I never understood.
He also always put the responsibility on his ex when he cheated her, by telling me that she was not attractive anymore, she had no job and was doing nothing.
With what I heard, he just used her as much as he could like he used me after that until he got bored with me.
I also was wondering how it's possible to try to hurt your ex even after 5 months. What is the point to try to hurt again your ex by telling her that you are in a relationship where you are really happy ? I don't understand..
I am still wondering if he was or he is just an emotionally unavailable person with some narcissist traits because of his lack of empathy, his lack of close friends, just a lot of friends where he is faking to be a good guy. He just follows his own interest and then disappears.
I know that he grow-up without love in his family, was not raised by his mum and was never allowed to show some emotions, but I never thought that It could affect so much his behavior.
I am trying to make everything to build my company, which is still not easy because of this breakup. I think I idealize too much this person and of course I still love him but whats is the point of thinking about this person? he will never be able to love me really.
Of course, it's also killing me to know that he is now with someone else and that he is already making a lot of plans with his new girlfriend.
Sorry for this long post and thank you !
Hello, you need to completely let go mentally and emotionally. This man isn't available to anyone truly. When he cheated on his ex with you that should have showed you a lot right there. Stop wasting your time caring, he's not worth it. He jumps from relationship to relationship to feel better and fill a void. You was with him for two years. Understand there's nothing you could have done to make him stay. You'll have to pray the pain away. It works. God is good.
I've been with a man for almost a year now and the first 6 months were great. I was happy and i fell in love with him and so did he or so I thought. The last 6 months have been a roller coaster. I have tried everything I can to make him happy to be the perfect woman for him . I cleaned and cook for him even tho we do not live together. I show him lots of love and affection and support him in every way I can in his career.
He does not show me much affection unless we are about to get intimate, he does not do anythign romatic for me , hes always busy and I have to be the one to ask to see him and he says he cant more than once or twice a week. When this becomes a huge issue for me he decides he wants to break up but would like to still have contact. He has broken up with me almost every month in the last 6 months. Now we are broken up hes saying he wants to still see eachother he loves me but does not want a relationship but says he wants to eventually maybe get back together. I feel so exhausted from all this and have completely forgotten my worth and value. In need of some advice here.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I have been dating a guy for 4 months (just broke it off recently). He told me up front he’s a slow mover and doesn’t fall fast. I understood that. He was not affectionate, never romantic, and treated me more often like a friend. I broke up a couple times because of this, and he would always make promises that if I would just “be patient” it would naturally get better and grow. Reminding me he’s a slow mover. I fell for his potential!! Always banking on his potential! I felt if I could just be patient that at some point he would just relax and start being more affectionate with me. That romance and “love” would soon follow. But it’s just not who he is! And I had to realize that and accept it. I was depressed and filled with anxiety for almost two weeks, wondering if I had made the right choice. Maybe I should have waited longer, tried harder, been more patient. But I know that is not how it should be. Both people should be putting the needs of the other as their top priority, not just one person. I know I made the right decision, and appreciate this article greatly! I really did not understand what emotionally unavailable was. But now I do, and he is a classic case of it. We deserve someone who is available and ready! Someone who is excited to actively pursue the relationship! And us! You are worth it! I am worth it! Their behavior is a reflection of them, not us. Move forward with your life and Live A Great Story!!!! You get to write it! So write a good one!!!!!!!
Just the reminder I needed on this rainy day. Thank you for sharing.
I’m in the same situation seeing someone for five months very unemotionally available using lots of different excuses however he said he enjoyed me in his life but he still wasn’t sure if I was the one he enjoyed everything about me then he made an excuse it came down to my height and body shape I’m 5 foot four petite he’s used to 5 foot nine and athletic build.. really this sounds so shallow to me probably just his way of removing himself so I ended it with him and he wanted to take some time and think about it let me know and I refuse to go down that road it’s only been four days and he’s already reached out with some silly excuse he saw golf clubs in a mall.m that I wanted. I know there has to be someone out there that is emotionally available will reciprocate love.
Thank you for sharing this. Mine was 17 years by the time my kids and I prayed and fasted to get away (19 years by time of divorce.) I've been treated poorly by people for sure but this marriage has been the saddest and loneliest time of my life I think. But almost nobody knew it because I tried so hard to make things work and focus on anything positive but from the beginning this was never going to be healthy. He's one of the most covertly cruel people I've ever met. I know I can face God some day knowing I have given this marriage all but my final breath. This marriage was a husband who mocked (still does) and ignored and never seemed to see the value of me as his wife and I tried everything to be the wife he demanded. The joke is on me as I would never be enough. I just didn't know that for a long long time. I know now.
And it's okay. My kids and I are out now and healing more every day. We've learned more in this than any other classroom would be able to teach. And have already been able to help other people through/out of some of the same unhealthy stuff. God sees everything and He wastes nothing.
Thank you for this. I am four weeks out of a relationship that has absolutely devastated me. For whatever reason, this hit home with me this morning. As I read, I reminisced and realized he truly was never really there throughout our entire relationship. Like the article says, he always did just enough to keep me believing in him and in us. I struggle with internalizing my pain and grief: what did I do wrong? Should I have done more? Is it my fault? In reality, none of that would have mattered. It wouldn’t have changed our relationship one bit.
Thank you! I needed this today!
Onward and upward!!
So glad you found your way here to this today, Epiphany. You've captured the root of this explicitly - it's our own internalization of our own pain and grief. What did WE miss? What did WE do wrong? Was it OUR fault? Of course none of that would have mattered because it was never about you!
my best friends has betrayed my trust, she told my husband lies and blackmailed me to my husband, I got devastated and couldn't imagine my very own friend wanted to break my family apart out of jealousy.
I have known this man since childhood and back then I knew he was very introverted.I left and married and divorced and then was in a long term relationship that ended.We connected again at the age of 50 and he still was unmarried so we would text and when I would go to my home town we went go out and spend time together. However I noticed everytimeInwould get too close he would retreatnand even after a perfect weekend as friends when I get home and ask him something personal I would not hear from him for days .However being an RN and studied
mental health I knew what was going on so I would say you just won’t let me get to know you and rather than me be upset with you I don’t want to play this game.I might not hear from him for months and then he texts me .I keep it strictly as a friendship level as I said this is as far as we can go because you won’t let me in.However I don’t understand why he keeps coming back but sill he has said you are the most wonderful woman I know but still there is nothing I can do with that at this point.He has to address his issue
He does, Georgia. And he keeps coming back in the hopes that one of these times he might find himself actually ready for something more with you. Of course he doesn't understand this is about him, not you, and the only way he's going to be ready is by looking at himself within instead of looking at you to somehow be magically different sometime. You know exactly what you're talking about here from the mental health perspective; don't let him put this on you!
He sounds strange, he may be Gay.
I see all the messages here from ladies, talking about their ex boyfriends. I just wanted to bring in my story from the male side. I was with this girl, who ofcourse is very nice and a great person, but was very unavailable emotionally. She would have her moments in which she would try to show care, but those moments were very limited and I suppose I was always fighting and bending over backwards to get those moments. But as soon as those moments passed, she would always have doubts about the relation and me. Ofcourse this was a cycle that went on for months. I was ofcourse not perfect, but at least I gave my 100% to it.
I wish I knew it in advance, but that is the beauty of hindsight. She finally did end it last week, and it indeed has been very devastating, I am beginning to realize how bad it was but does not change the fact that it is very painful. The only thing that bothers me is, my 100% was not enough, but, I guess I need to internalize the fact that, it has got nothing to do with me, and depends completely on her mental space and emotional availability.
DD,
Thank you for posting. I am sorry about the end of your relationship. It stinks. It hurts. It makes us want to cry. It makes us wonder what we were doing with them knowing deep down something was amiss. Then we wish and hope far too long, and that deepens the pain. We sometimes do things we later, with the gift of 2020 hindsight, realize would not be normal in a loving relationship. I've been there and so have others.
Please scroll down to read Michael's post. He has some insight and reminders that may help.
It may take months to heal so be patient with yourself. You'll want to question every action and word but at the end of the day she wasn't right for you.
You deserve a mutual loving relationship. Count your blessings that you now know the signs of EU and can run the opposite direction should you encounter it again. That's the take away lesson I learned and will never forget it.
Take care of yourself and re read Jane's article every single day until it sinks in.
Marie
My relationship was a dream come true until after three and a half years then the unthinkable happened he had depression something I researched and fully wanted to support only he did not want to seek help then it was his feet to which I raced to the chemist to fix then it was financial problems so in which I got a better job then it was something else to everything he had wrong I was able to fix to finally the only thing I couldn’t fix my thirteen year old son and his adhd we had to go as soon as we were out an the to now I’m am just a stranger he doesn’t reply to my texts nothing leading up to my leaving date on my birthday I found endless texts to a female colleague which over stepped every line you could think heart broken full of questions desperate to have answered upon finding this I was hopeless 😩 but I feel confident that moving on is all that’s left to do.......
Always the dream come true until it's the nightmare, Belinda. Oh my heart goes out to you. This was never yours to fix and moving on is the greatest gift you can give yourself - not for him, but for you!
I had been in a relationship for a year and a half. When we first started dating, he would do everything and everything for me. He would come and support the kids I swim coached, he would come to every one of my swim meets. He made me fall in love. After that though, it began to fade. The only time we would ever be together was if I asked to be and he decided to give in. We went from nearly daily being together to spending one or two days a week together. We would argue over this and he would blame me and say I am being to clingy. Eventually, he broke up with me. I was heartbroken and asked if it could just be a break, a break to work on our own issues. He agreed but made us promise not to see anyone else during that break. The break up made me a wreck I blamed myself, cried myself to sleep, distanced from my friends. A month later we came back together and he told me he couldn't see himself being in a relationship right now. I had finally moved on and was okay with it. I went home, and he texted me saying he actually did want me back... and then said he wasn't sure. I eventually caved in and went back to him, but only as friends until he proved himself worthy. And the same cycle began again, love and affection, but once we were together: emptiness and loneliness. He would rather play video games for hours on end, cancelled our dates due to being "sick", etc. I found out during our break he slept with other woman, but I still let it go. Last night, he ended things with me again. He told me it was because of what he had done to me and it wasn't fair to me, that he wasn't mentally okay. But after telling me that, he began following other women on their social media and spamming them with likes. I have realized for a long time now, he wasn't healthy for me. He didn't care about our relationship. But still.. I keep thinking of him, crying over him, checking my phone hoping he says he regrets it. I am mad at myself for letting someone do this to me, but honestly if he asked me to come back, I feel like I would.
Adalyn,
I know how you feel...knowing in your heart and brain that he wasn't right for you but pursuing it anyhow. It's hard to be alone, and not cry, and not miss what you thought was possible with him. I've done it too. I still check my email with half a hope that they'll be a message from him. But there isn't one and likely will never be one. It's heartaching and heartbreaking isn't it? On your lowest days re read this article and all the comments to give you comfort in not being alone but to remind yourself that you deserve better than he was ever cut out for. I'm sending you virtual hugs and strength.
He's been separated for years, yet still seems to be connected to his ex, I guess because the relationship was so long - married for 22 years, but separated the last 3-4 years. I know there's no intimacy left, nor does he want to get back with her, but I think that because of the length of the relationship and his age (late 50s), that's all he knows. Trying not to take it personally, but when he can tell me what's going on in her life, yet doesn't ask me about my life, it stings a bit. Our relationship is still a bit new ( several months) & I keep thinking/hoping that with time, he'll come around, but after reading this and some of the comments, not sure if that's possible. He's pretty set in his ways due to his age & I think he just doesn't know or want to know how to navigate a new relationship. I realize it's up to him to want to come around & the problem is I think he feels like he's doing what's necessary for us, but he's not. He seems to be emotionally available for his ex (she calls constantly and he's there for whatever she needs), saying he's doing what he feels is necessary to keep his family (adult kids) in peaceful harmony. We've talked about his issues of not being there for me emotionally, but he keeps saying he's not in a place where he can be right now (he does seem to have his hands full with his kids' issues, ex, and work), that he hopes to be in a different place eventually, but can't say when that will be.
I have the exact same issue
Hi Melissa,
And you deserve much better than the crumbs he's tossing to you.
He won't change. He won't come around. He won't be there for you. If he hasn't showed up yet, do you really believe he ever will?
Be honest with yourself, and then end it because the longer you stay the harder it is to leave. And before you know it you've wasted the best years of your life and it'll be so much harder to recover. Though this seems harsh, take it from a fool who knows: me.
Don't you want better for yourself? I don't even know you and I want better things for you.
at over the age of 50
After Being in a long distance relationship with this man for 3 years after convincing him to move back to the mainland so we can be together, the discussions about the future , the planning buying a 5-bedroom 3-bathroom ,home in the town that we agreed on living in after picking out furniture did I so realise I can't live with him he didn't want me to live with him he became so distance after the purchase of a home so glad I didn't put a penny into that house just my heart ,my ideas, my planning my soul
not until I read this article that I realized what I was dealing with and all the time I thought it was me that I wasn't enough that because he upgraded his living situation he wanted to upgrade on his relationship with another now he's just unreachable now that I've walked away because this man wouldn't even give me the title that I've deserved as a girlfriend let a lone a fiance or wife that I realized what I was dealing with an emotionally unavailable commitment-phobic man and all he wanted and needed was and ego booster not a relationship
I hate to say it but any man who is over a certain age 45 to 50 never been married and don't have any children that should be a red flag people say it's not but I believe it is emotionally unavailable commitment-phobic person like the string people along is the half the attention he craves that he probably didn't get as a child he will tell you and do anything to keep you hanging on at least that's what mine didI'll give him one month and he'll come emailing me trying to connect but I won't answer I need to take care of me and think about me first and what I want
Turning to this forum to share a few things my friends would never understand but I know many here will. As mad as I want to be at my ex EU BF, I find I'm more mad at ME for letting myself be strung along...and used... even when I knew there was something amiss in the so called relationship of two years. Most recently, I feel a sense of shame about not ending things when I knew it wasn't right. I know, I know, don't self blame. My Mom raised me to be strong and independent yet I waited for his morsels to be tossed to me. The humiliation is deep.
I read one of Jane's other articles about our family of origins and how those relationship patterns carry into our romantic lives. I think I have some work to do.
Thanks for listening...and understand ing.
I'm in this situation. I know it's going to end bad but I cant bring myself to be the one to end it. I feel pathetic. 🙁
Yes, I am embarrassed for going back after him several times, thinking that my love could heal him.
Oh wow!! All this is me..
I went back to him several times thinking that he would somehow wake up and realize that I deserved to be treated better than what he was.. so stupid. I mean I’m a good person with a good heart, how can he not want to love me right.
He ended it again a month ago and this time I realized that he was EU all throughout our over a year relationship. He has emotional issues that have nothing to do with me. Just yesterday I was thinking that I’m mostly grieving the future that I thought we were going to have as I thought he was THE ONE.
The beauty is your dream is actually still available! The one IS still out there. It just isn’t this guy.
In fact, that guy is preventing you from being available to meet the right guy.
Our dreams can come true, it is just sometimes we get sidetracked by trying to make the wrong guy fit them. It used to happen to me too often.
This website and everyone’s comments helped me to let go of those guys (and then even start to just avoid those guys) but hold on to the dream. Once I could let go and avoid, I was free to meet my guy. And I did. And so did my friends when they did the same.
And so will you!
I broke up with my boyfriend 1 month ago. I fell in love with him and I was so excited to be with him. It was an instant connection right from the get go. We loved each other.
Then as the relationship progressed, he started to show his real side. He would get mad when I wouldn’t say yes to partying (said he wanted a ‘yes’ person), would belittle me, never appreciated any of the sweet gestures I did, told me he was depressed when he was drunk, would only tell me he loved me when he was drunk. I found out he was going to break up with me after an event we had tickets to so I broke up with him first. It was the hardest thing I had to do, and I keep wondering if I did the right thing. I’m just so hurt because I really loved him and he was just so disrespectful towards me. I hope I meant something to him and I hope he remembers me positively. And maybe he’ll realize how poorly he treated me.
Nicole,
I'm guessing you know the answer to your question "Did I do the right thing?" It sounds like you loved him. Ask yourself if his behavior felt and looked like love as you define love?
The first month after a breakup is the worst but rest assured months four and five get easier. You'll see things more clearly. Re-read this article daily and comments often for support.
We all deserve someone who loves us the way we want to be loved.
Learn from your experience and chart a different course for yourself.
Best to you.
I've been going through this for years. Not knowing this is how he feels. I love him unconditionally, for better or worse. I've cried so many years daily because I to want to be loved like I deserve. I'm having a very very hard time to just walk away. We've had 30 years together on and off. Of course all is my fault for everything that ever has happened along the way. Hurts by the rude remarks and feelings of I don't deserve anything. Gets mad over little things but I keep praying for him to snap out of this. He knows how I feel for him. Doesn't matter. He says nothing. Being ignored and having no communication just kills me. Not knowing why, questioning what did I do wrong. I did walk away once but I missed so bad I came back. Now I live with this heartbreak every day. I've tried everything still nothing. I just dont know how to give up and move on. He was a loving, considerate,
caring man once. All past issues that ever happened he just cant let it go. I feel so heartbroken, lonely and all I want is for him to snap out of this. He told me I need to see a psychiatrist, I have problems. Asked to go with me, of course not there's nothing wrong with him. I dont want to live life without him in it.
I know what your going through. I have been with a guy on and off for 30+ years to. I'm always upset. He lies to me all the time. He has another women that he is seeing. Spends all day with her but can only see me for an hour or two. Feel like such a fool. I need to move on with my life.
Gosh, this article came at a good time. I am really struggling so much - after a few 'unavailable' relationships, I put some serious time into myself and working through my past and my patterns. I then met someone who literally appeared to be everything i should have ever had all along. He was a brilliant boyfriend - open, committed, kind, caring and affectionate. He brought me into his life, his family, we made future plans etc. I saw ZERO red lights or warning signs (which I am very attuned to). Then, a year later, completely out of the blue, he told me he 'wasn't feeling it' anymore. He 'wasn't 100% in'.
It is so much easier, in a way, when you can look back and see the signs of emotional unavailability and perhaps know what you are getting in for. I had done so much work on myself, and felt primed to meet someone new and better. I really thought that was him. I am struggling a lot with why this has happened to me, and how to reconcile the amazing time with him that I had versus this brutal, cold and vague ending where he left so abruptly and gave me no more time or consideration.
Whilst I know i want to be with a serious, committed person (and someone who bails a year in 'not feeling it' is not someone I would want to be with) i am struggling with this unexpected blindsiding end.
I would really appreciate some guidance, advice or comfort during this time. I am an emotionally open and intelligent person, but struggling to make sense of this situation.
Sophie xx
Sophie,
Your pain and heartache are real. It's hard to reconcile what you thought you had with the reality of it today. I don't have any answers for you except to say that I was a wreck for the first month after my breakup. Each subsequent month has brought me closer to peace and acceptance. I'll never understand what happened really. It does get easier with time believe me. I read this webpage and all the comments when I need to remind myself it was him not me. Was I perfect? No. But I was 100% in. Take care of yourself and know that everyone here is rooting for you!! You deserve better and it will come to you.
Hi Marie, thank you so much for these lovely kind words. You sound like you've done the work already and come out the other side, i know i can get there too. I think all I can take from this is that I showed up as my best self and whilst I am not perfect, i was 100% in and willing to do any work necessary. He couldn't expand beyond his 'not feeling it' statement and proceeded to more or less vanish. That's not compatible for me, and working through the grief of losing what felt like an incredible relationship/person and future is something many of us go through.
I re-read these comments and they help me so much. Thank you xx
I’m literally going through the exact same thing as you Sophie right now, my boyfriend of a year completely blindsided me too, especially when he’d been so loving and wonderful the whole time we were together, and in the lead up to the break up I’d actually been getting more signs that he was really thinking about us together long-term in the future - I was so shocked it took about a week for me to start taking it seriously. Obviously I don’t know very much about your boyfriend or your relationship or you, but know you’re not alone. What’s helping me a lot is knowing and really believing that I didn’t do anything wrong, because a good partner expresses their doubts/fears and tries to work with you to resolve them instead of just acting on them. It’s also been helpful to realise that their actions only speak about them, not you or the relationship - if I’m a drama queen or bitchy or classy in the aftermath of the relationship, that doesn’t say anything about the depth of my feelings or how significant the relationship/person was or wasn’t, it just represents how I handle myself, and the same is true about his actions too. If he can’t/won’t talk about whatever he’s feeling, it’s not about you, it’s about him, which doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person, just someone who’s not ready for a committed relationship. Sending lots of love! X
Hi Cara, so kind of you for responding thank you. I was going through a low ebb this morning, and re-visited this page and article. Sometimes i really love the internet for providing the kindness and understanding of strangers..
I really appreciate your words so much - even just the simple statement of not being alone in going through something like this, because when it happens, it's truly so devastating and you feel just that - alone in the feelings of it. It's also funny how you think the situation you just found yourself in is so unique and whilst all relationships are, the feelings and endings we come up against can all be so similar. So many articles talk about all their warning signs/look back on the bad times etc, just like you we didn't have those - i'd consider it a luxury at this stage to have had some fights and clear incompatabilities! I am really sorry you are going through this too - I know people talk about the growth and gains we will make in time, but sh*t it is hard. You are clearly a very insightful, mature and kind person so you will be just fine, i know it.
100% agree with you on the fact that someone who behaves like this - who doesn't talk or attempt to work through things and then more or less vanishes (i practically had to beat a text message response out of him) says so much more about them than you. We can always hold our own power with how we knew we behaved in the relationship and NONE of us are perfect, but showing up and trying and talking are things we can be proud of. People who knew him are so appalled and baffled at this ending, but you're right - it's them, not us, and he's not a monster but he's not who i thought he was and what I need.
Sending you love from London, let me know how you are getting on! xx Sophie
Oh Sophie, I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. I too, have a very similar story as yours. After years of working on myself and becoming the right person, I reconnected with a wonderful man. I watched for red flags and saw none. He pursued me, was loving and open, consistent and available. It was a near perfect match! I fell in love and I let me heart completely open to him. We talked about our future, began doing a premarital book together and then he proposed. I said yes! And then he pulled away and was a completely different man that suddenly was judgmental, critical, had all sorts of problems that he would bring up. I fought back with solutions and loved him through it. I stood by him and supported him, yet he pushed me further away. It’s been a roller coaster for months, leaving me anxiety ridden, unsure, and confused. This article does shed sone light... is he really this emotionally unavailable man that this article speaks of? He is now in therapy to address his issues. He shared with me that this is a pattern of his and he wants to fix it. Do I wait?
Oh Skye that sounds awful, I’m so sorry. Experiencing such a sudden shift in affection and behaviour when all you saw were happy years ahead is an utterly devastating thing to experience. Particularly as you say, like me, the work has really gone in and you were on high alert for code-red behaviour. I am not surprised you are riding an emotional rollercoaster – are you still in a relationship or are you broken up whilst he is ‘working’ on himself? It’s very difficult to say. I think those are huge red lights, it is like a cover is being lifted off and you are likely going to have major trust and worry issues that even if he ‘works’ on this, it’s going to happen again. Someone said to me ‘say goodbye to this chapter and how you knew him, because even if he came back, it would never be the same’. It is SO easy for an outsider to say leave him. I know that. But this is belittling and critical behaviour by the sounds of it that cuts to YOU, as opposed to just being distant or scared within himself. With this period, you won’t go back to how it was and do you want to have to ride this out for more months on end to get the person back that he was at the beginning? I think you deserve better, and can get it, and I say that as someone in the midst of heartbreak who knows how hard it is to want someone who has displayed tendencies that likely wouldn’t spell happy-ever-after for me. I think you get super, super grounded in reality. Take off the rose-tinted glasses that were the days before he switched, and question what he would ultimately be like as your husband when he’s displayed tendencies like these. Let me know how you get on xx
I finally decided to walk away from mine last night after a 12+ year friendship and being in love with him for about 10.
We never actually were officially together because everytime we got close, he would disappear or cause an argument. Each time itwas like going through a break up and he treated me like it was a break up.
He would come to me being vulnerable and we would travel and go on what normal people would call dates and I would fall in love over again. The last time he disappeared was 3 years ago, after I asked him what he wanted from me and he responded that he "didn't know how to answer that question."
After 10 or so years he didnt know what I meant to him.
I completely lost it, it was devastating and heartbreaking.
He was more concerned with how I expressed what I was feeling versus what I was actually saying.
I should have listened to the crumbs he dropped throughout the "relationship." Like when he said he didn't feel like he deserved love. When he was constantly in abusive relationships. When he would just disappear or never acknowledge his wro g doing.
I still loved him though, but reconnecting this last time, I could see that he hasn't changed, that he was still more concerned with this ego than with how his behaviors had affected me.
I wrote him a little apologizing for loosing my temper and explaining how his actions would cause my own abandonment issues to be triggered. He basically responded that he was happy I was looking for my happiness. Even though my letter had nothing to do with searching for happiness.
That's when I realized that he had no interest in how I felt and he only used my email has an out for him. As if my happiness was no longer his responsibility.
I hope he finds a way to love and be loved, but I know it won't be with me.
What a wake-up call, Jade. Just glad you could see it - and him - for what it was. We don't lose our temper for nothing. "Relationship" is right. When the light dawns on us, there's no going back again. Be proud of yourself for recognizing this was so clearly about him all along. He needed it to be!
this is my story :- 7 years ago this wonderful man that I had been friends with for 3 years asked me out on a date , it went well and it started from there , but for 6 months he would just come to mine for sex late at night and then go home straight after , after 6 months I said I had enough of this and either we are in a relationship or you find someone else for just sex , he begged I took him back as a boyfriend and for a while it was going well , six months further down the line I found out he was having an affair with his previous girlfriend , he begged forgiveness and like an idiot gave him another chance , it was going well again and we did some amazing things and holidays etc , which i mostly paid for ! He has three kids from his 1st marriage , the older one was always in trouble with the police and the middle one hates him being with a woman so was always causing trouble and trying to keep us apart , after three year we decided to move in together , he lived in his childhood bedroom at his parents and I gave up mine and my daughters home of 16 years , as soon as we moved in his kids tired to spilt us up and after nearly a year of it I got bad depression and was on really high medication , I got better eventually and while recovering he still saw his kids every other weekend from Friday to Sunday night , and every Monday Tuesday and Thursday . In December 2017 I collapsed at work , and after a month of ct scans tests etc which my friends took me to because he didn’t want to not see his kids on his days I was told that I had an ovarian cyst that was 32 cm x 26 cm and weighed 18lb and it was borderline cancer and I would have to have treatment , in the end I had a massive operation which removed the cyst , full hysterectomy , my stomach lining removed , top of my stomach and appendix and was months off work recovering , even the day I was told this he dropped me off home to an empty house to go for tea with his kids and didn’t come back for four hours , I sat at home going crazy and crying with what was going to happen to me ! After the operation he stepped up for a few weeks but he soon would leave me again and lie to where he had been etc he was and is still married to his ex wife , they have been spilt up for 10 years , never mentioned about marrying me etc then I’m September last year I finished it , he just got his stuff and went , didn’t want to know why etc ! He then begged me for another chance to make it right which I did but didn’t let him move back in , in February this year we agreed to really make this work and then 3 days before my birthday in April he said I don’t want to be with you anymore and left! The next day he said he had made a mistake , spelt with me and after said no it is over 😢he then went back to his parents again ! and then 4 weeks later found out that since Feb he has been having an affair with a woman that had nipped into his work place for a light bulb , he has totally ignored me and my daughter like we don’t matter , left his dog with me and never even asked about her !and now every lunch time she comes down to work , (we work at the same place) and kisses and cuddles him in front of me! I am heartbroken still and can’t believe how he has treated me ? Does everything think I have done the right thing ??? And at Christmas bought me tickets to see pink and took her instead and put it over Facebook 🤷♀️ Xxx
You did the right thing! He will never change and this just went from bad to worse. You deserve so much more!! Congratulations on standing up for yourself and your daughter. It might take time to heal and you might feel very tired and worn out at times ... that is just a sign of how toxic he is. But you will start to feel better and like your old self from before you two got involved! And then you will be free to meet someone who actually is responsible, caring, thoughtful, generous, and kind and who can act like an adult. You and your daughter so so deserve that! That great guy IS on his way to you!
Take some time to read other people’s stories in the comments and to later reread your’s. It will help you stay strong and committed (because this is a wonderful loving commitment that you are making to yourself!)!
I pined after one of these men for 37 years. I kicked myself for not doing this or letting that happen. I thought all the Gods in heaven were conspiring against me when he left all those years ago. He married another woman.
When I realized he had been divorced for three years I contacted him and two dates later realized him for what he is.
All those years ago the Gods were PROTECTING me from him! His poor ex wife is a basket case after trying to deal with him. I am so grateful that isn’t me.
I realized I am just as unavailable as he is just in a different way. I have work to do and don’t really know how to do it. But I will figure it out.
Ladies, do not let the illusion of a man fool you. Know your worth and if you don’t, find it.
Me .... I swear your story hit me hard.. my sophomore year in high school (1984) ...yes. ..84 !! .. I fell for this funny , crazy, smart boy ...who would haunt my soul for all the years to come...we had to sneak around because he was black and I'm white..it wasn't so accepted back then....I ended up pregnant my Jr year (he was a senior)....my mom made me have an abortion. ...and then sent me to live with an aunt until the following school year. .We found a way to keep in touch....then he goes off to college and life happens...I marry and have a daughter...3 months later....I have a short affair with him...but broke it off because I knew he wasn't ready to settle down....14 years later....there we go again....an affair lasting a year and a half....broke it off again because. ..I felt he STILL wasn't ready....I did get a divorce....married someone else ....now guess what....I'm about to be divorced AGAIN ...and I've been seeing Mr. Peter Pan for a year now. ......I just cannot seem to move past him. ... he says he wants to marry me....I believe that he loves me...to the best of his ability. ..which I KNOW isn't going to be enough for me.... but I feel like if I don't ride this train to the end of the track I will never be able to move on. ......but .....how long is this dang track anyway?????
How did you "let him go" after all those years together? I am in the same place with a man that I have been with for over 30 years, I love him but he treats me like crap. He has another women that he is seeing.
It's been very difficult to figure out the real issue w/my man because as a soldier diagnosed w/PTSD/TBI he has legitimate reasons to have problems processing emotions, memories, physical issues etc so is it that he's a Wounded Warrior in need of support, patience and understanding or a selfish, narcissistic -sshole who will never let me in, never be a partner, never do any of the things he said he wants to and I should give up/walk away?
He did earn his BA but now won't use it. He was married briefly to an awful money grubbing woman w/a son but won't even discuss marriage w/me.
He hasn't worked since he came back from his 5th deployment 8 years ago, burned through his savings, still owes college debt (he's 46), still lives in his childhood bedroom, has no plans to move out and watched me as a single mother struggle to provide for these 6+ years w/out doing anything to help US.
He gets more out of me than I get from him but I still love him so much.
My children/family/friends all despise him and even his family says I deserve better. I know there's a loving, protective, supportive man in there but also a childish, lazy, hurtful jerk.
If he would be willing to help us I'd work w/him but I can't do it alone.
Im in this right now and on the 3rd time he has said he is done. Last time 5 days he came back. Its been only a few days now. anyhow he is emotionally unavailable. I see that. I tried. He swooped in hard last Dec and once I caught feelings, he began the pull away 6 weeks later. So many times Ive thought its done and he comes back reeling me back in. His friends have said this is what he does. Once feelings are there he goes silent, disappears, backs off etc. He finds off the wall excuses that he's done. Hasnt deleted me as a friend on FB yet and I asked him to. If we are done why not. Everything listed here he has been. All one sided, control, what he's looking for you never seem to meet up to his expectation. So Im struggling with this right now. I see he's emotionally unavailable but its still hard as he and I had shared so many good times. Ive gone silent now. No more begging , pleading, no facebook posts of any kind he can follow,.. Ive basically done a disappear act to try and regroup myself and my feelings. I have no idea if after time again he will show back up or how I will handle it as I miss him alot. Before the " im done" for an unbelievable reason he gave ,we had spent a fantastic 4 days and then he went cold until I asked him what was going on 12 days later after 12 days of ignoring me.. As stated we've been down this road before BUT I always tried to contact him and this time Im not. No idea if he will even notice or care. I have to run into him if I go out, we have mutual friends, mutual places so for now in my " disappearing" I am avoiding all of that as well. Only a few closes friends know whats going on with me and what Im doing. Facebook world and more wont be able to tell him. It will feel to him I left the planet. Which he probably doesnt care anyhow. Do these men go back and forth, on again off again with the same woman as he has with me? If he is emotionally unavailable ( a list of bad marriages in his past), why has he come back before ? Do these kind of men even feel anything? A loss of the good times, a loss of sharing with someone? he always says he wants a good wife and relationship BUT yet when he has been given that and more ( I mean we got along great, enjoyed same things etc, didnt argue or fight, everyone thought we were great together and good sex) he literally does sabotage it. I so wish he would just give it the time to be.
Sounds exactly like what I experienced. It's like there is no attachments unless if is to negative experiences.
I can resonate with all that you said. My man has a great woman in me and he sabotaged it. He’s reading a book about why we sabotage called “Stop doing that Sh💩”. He says he has some childhood traumas he has to deal with.
Simply stunning. I feel in love with an EU man 12 years ago, not knowing he had issues. I didn’t know he had a Gf in another state either. Not until he was good and ready to share it. He was guarded with simple questions which I shrugged off. He ended up trusting me with a lot of sensitive stories from his last including abuse. We became best friends, and he also made me realize how beautiful and wonderful I was. This guy was handsome, fit, and everything I wanted. All of his issues I overlooked for so many years just watching him cry when he had bad days, or reading his texts telling me how he hates his Gf and wants to move out. Constant. Well it’s been a couple of years since he point blank told me he wants to move closer to me and stay with me. Recently he declared his love for me and said he has always loved me. Well, this man won’t answer a phone call, and his texting is down to about 14 days a month where I get a text and they are all flirting. He won’t commit to meeting me for coffee to talk (I told him I would drive half way to meet), and recently I found out he was in town 2 months ago to help his buddy out with a project. Never heard a word. Is this the way a EU rolls? Is this textbook? I am so upset and frustrated that things have turned and he won’t even meet me to talk. If he plans on staying with me, he needs to talk about what this entails. My guess is he lied about even looking for jobs around me. How the heck did it end up like this ? This handsome man with so much going for him, and now I see another side. I’m so hurt and scared not knowing what’s not with him. I love him but can’t fix him.
Oh boy! I have been through this! Except I didn't know it at the time. I thought I could change him. I thought I was special. Then he turned it into a Friends With Benefits kind of thing. And I allowed it, just so he could maybe see that what we had was terrific. But you're right, I never had him. I had low self esteem and became so low that I contemplated suicide. I felt this loss, HARD. And when I emerged from this dark tunnel, there was this man that has been my friend for over 15 years standing there waiting for me. I am in a completely different world now. I am very happy and content. The hardest part is, I still work with this emotionally unavailable ex every single day. Sometimes it plays with my emotions. He's dating somebody else now, I imagine he's playing with hers now...
You know that's exactly what he's doing now, Loni. Until she, too, has enough.
So happy for you that you're in a completely different world now! And turn the working with him part around. HE has to live with seeing YOU every single day, serving as a reminder of what he wasn't able to be to have someone like you!
OMG this is how my life is at the minute, your written this as me! I work with mine too, and every dinner his new girlfriend comes to see him and they are kissing and cuddling in front of me, its torture, I gave up everything for this man my home and living near my family and friends, and cant go back to where I was as his ex wife lives there now, 7 years of my life wasted on this selfish idiot, one day I hope to meet the right person and show him I am a good person and never needed him in the first place, hugs x
Thank you for this Jane. It showed up alongside today's post about 'the guy I chose'. 3 weeks ago, I left my EUM of 18 months and am missing him terribly. But, as your first paragraph says - it wasn't because I wanted to but because I felt I had no choice. In the relationship (situationship) at least, I didn't recognise the person I'd become. I say 'thank you' because today, I spent the whole of my 1hour drive home wondering whether to drive round and see how he is. I didn't - but I didn't know whether that was the right decision until I opened my computer and read this blog. Thank you xx
Hello,
I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of 5 months. We were LDR. I visited him 3 times over the course of our relationship. It was heaven. He was so sweet. He was kind, affectionate, attentive, always complimented me. We had amazing sex. We never fought, we got along so well and so easily. In the beginning he always told me "I have issues" but didnt really elaborate. He never had a long term relationship as far as I know. Fast forward to now - he tells me we had to talk. Knew it was bad. He basically tells me i didnt do anything wrong, i was perfect but he has lost all his feelings for me. I was completely baffled and blindsided. He had told me the day before how attractive i was, now he all the sudden has no feelings for me. I've spent the past few days trying to convince him to give it another try. He will not budge. I am quite devastated and lost. I have issues as well, and this has set me back some. There are no words to express my sadness and confusion about this situation.
Hi Ashe, and all you others beautiful people who have been through this.
Each time I read one of these stories it makes me so sad and emotional because a part of me is in each one. He's right Ashe, it's not you. For some reason that I still can't understand, I, and clearly many of us are continuously attracted to these men that we just can't have. Maybe somehow we know it but are still looking for that happy ending that we've created in our minds. We can't fix them, we can't change them, but we keep on trying and believing we can make them into the person that will make us happy and fill that dream.
I've been in love with this man since I was 20, that is many years. I've been through a marriage and other relationships, he's been through two marriages and relationships. He was my dream but I never realised that he was never really there. The words, the affection, the promises, my wanting him to be my happy ending. We saw each other again almost a year ago, like we had been together forever, more promises, more affection, more words and here I am again with my heart in pieces, still wondering what happened as he disappeared again. The only thing I have now is time behind me to realise that this never was and never will be. It doesn't make it easier to get over him because he is in almost every thought, but I know now that it's time to stop waiting for him and to stop blaming myself, replaying everything to find out what I did wrong. I don't think I will ever find someone else, and will probably always love him dearly, but I am working on me and accepting what is.
Believe in yourselves and know that someone is out there that will love and appreciate you for who you are and you won't have to keep trying to prove yourself. He will see you for who you are and realise how lucky he is to have found you. I'm still waiting...
lol
Keep in mind that they love long-distance relationships. They may seem like it’s just a fluke, but the distance is by design. Everything is a way of creating space and not totally Integrating you into their life.
Hi all.
The responses on here are predominantly from women. All thoughtful and wonderful. I am a man who experienced the same soaring highs and terrible lows, utter sadness and grief. I loved - and then was cruelly dumped by - a woman who fit every description of being emotionally unavailable. Unable to commit, unable to have the most basic conversation if it was at all serious. Unable to respond to depth and feelings.
But the mind plays tricks. I still loved her, even though I knew I was going through a terrible experience. I am a guy who loves emoting and communication. And just on a basic level, I need it to be reciprocated. She hated it all.
In my head, I know that is obviously a terrible combination and one that couldn't sustain.
It was a brief, intense relationship; I can't even imagine would it would become had I stayed.
I have been a changed man ever since she left. Sadness, humiliation, debilitating grief over what I THOUGHT was the love of my life.
But the clouds are starting to clear. I don't think I will ever forget her. But now I realize that being a changed man isn't necessarily terrible. I've learned a lot about myself, and I know that the advice I have given to so many others - other fish in the sea, I'm better off, etc. - is honest and accurate. The world has billions of people. Why think about the one who won't give you what you need?
The words I have crafted that continue to help me heal are these; "Being dumped feels awful, humiliating and debilitating. Staying with her would have been worse."
Hope this helps.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Michael. I can imagine the sadness you feel. It is devastating to be left behind just like that when we thought it would be so different. We can only learn from these experiences to see more clearly what we need and who we are looking for. For now, feel all your feelings, understand them and be compassionate towards yourself. Hugs.
Wow, your words resonate with me 100%. I had the exact same experience with a woman and I am like you. The difference? I tried to get things right for 4 (!) years humiliating myself to nothingness in the process. So dumb in love I was...
Adding insult to injury she came back, begging me to give her another chance 1 year later, she had changed, been thinking, I was the only man etc. She just knew how to push the right buttons.
Dumb in love me fell right back into the trap and it was all repeat.
Now it's over and for good. And I am a changed man...
Michael,
I find myself reading your comment repeatedly since your story is my story too. Thank you for so many quotable quotes. They help when o falter.
Thank You for sharing your story....pain and betrayal knows no specific gender. I am going thru this kind of pain after my entanglement with a Narcissist....there were so many red flags, but I was hooked for sure. Just trying to find my way out after 3 years of being utterly lost in a battle I was not prepared for.
Hi I met my partner over a year ago and it progressed very quickly. I thought I had met the person I was going to be with. Very quickly the red flags began popping up and I chose to ignore them and just ‘accept’ him for who he was. He moved in with me in October and in December I had major surgery. It all went very wrong from there. Throughout our relationship I felt like I wasn’t quite good enough and when I would make a stand he would then have a big gesture and the ‘I love you’s’ after the surgery I felt him physically pulling away from me and even though I was very unwell I tried to massively overcompensate into being the perfect partner. At Christmas he verbally assaulted me and called me a bad mother. I was sat in the edge of my bed with my surgical stockings on and I felt broken. I asked him to leave a few weeks later. He reached out for a couple of weeks and then finally said that he didn’t love me anymore. I was crushed. To this day I still have regrets and doubts but finally seeing him for the emotionally unavailable man he is has helped me through. It took me 4 months to finally recover from the op and now I’m back at work. He emailed me yesterday still maintaining his victim status. It’s kind of knocked me a bit today but by understanding that this isn’t anything to do with me and his opinions don’t define me has helped. Thanks for listening x
Nothing to do with you, Kerry. Maintaining your own boundaries and refusing to take any of his responses personally allows you to stand strong in who you are - and not be knocked down as easily by someone like this. You know who you are regardless of what he has to say about you!
I have read this post pretty much daily for weeks ...just to keep reminding myself that there is nothing wrong with me.
I am 5 weeks out of what I thought was a relationship with a guy who was my future.
18 months of being with this guy ....when I met him he was still sharing a house he own with his ex of 2 years ..they had a 4 month old baby ..he said their relationship was long over and that he was there just for his son .this is someone from his work who he was with before he ended his marriage and left his wife and 3 kids for .....
So I believed he was separated and I put up with the bare minimum effort and contact from him ...always when it suited him. I was left feeling frustrated and angry and hating him most of the time ...but he was one of those guys who played the poor me card well ...could cry instantly when telling me how hard it is for him and how much he loved me and that he’s never had a connection with anyone like me before ..and that he has to punch himself sometimes as couldn’t believe he had someone like me ...so yeh the typical stuff that makes you believe in his potential ...to keep putting up with no effort ...these conversations happened regularly and was always same responce ..I just need to sort myself out but we are all good and I love you ...thing was ..he kept saying it for 18 months ...it took him over a year to actually move out from his house he shared with ex ...and he hadn’t told anyone about me the whole time as he said he was protecting me from gossips ...but even then things with us didn’t move forward as he continued the whole I need time to sort myself out but I don’t want to lose you ..love you ..want a future with you ect ... a repeating pattern which never ended...one day after telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me he stopped contact ..never responded to any calls or texts ..which as you all know makes you feel like a worthless piece of crap ...so after 2 weeks of this I went over to house to confront him ..he said he didn’t know what to say ..didn’t know why he ignored me ...kept saying I don’t know ..I don’t know ...turns out my daughter seen him driving another woman’s car with her in passenger and he said I don’t know why I took her for coffee? Says was first time he’s seen her..thru a guy at work. I said do you still love me and he says ...I like you. How does someone who said he loved you for 18 months ..2 weeks later say I like you?? I ended up calling his ex afterwards and turns out he hadnt actually broken up with her until couple months ago but she said he was trying to get back with her ...and also seeing this new chick for coffee ..all while ignoring me ...so he’s gone from wife to the the one from work ...to me ..and now to the new one ...
I’m gutted ..I feel used and worthless and angry ...how could I have believed all his lies for so long ? And the fact he never told anyone about me apart from his kids ...he is now making out that we never had an 18 month relationship !!!! I’m dreading seeing his lying face as we live in a small town ...he has made me feel so worthless to the point it consumes my life ...
Please someone tell me how to let go of the anger I have towards him ... I gave him everything I had ..and it was never good enough ...now he will be living a happy life with this new chick ..like I never existed .....
You have every right to be angry, Ann. In fact, it's only by allowing yourself to feel each and every one of your emotions that you're ready to move on at all. It will dissipate when it's served its purpose on your own timeline, not anyone else's. It would have been good enough if he was capable of being the man you needed him to be. Ask yourself who behaves like this, who does this, who can live with himself and his conscience behaving like this? That's who he is. Don't judge yourself by who he is and isn't. It's on him that he can act like this, don't take it on yourself. If he can flip a switch like you never existed, just imagine what any longer with this man would have been like for you!
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
I'm in the same boat. I met a woman - whirlwind courtship. But after eight weeks, she wants nothing to do with me. Professing of love. Poetry. Kindness. Attention. I showered her with everything. She just couldn't get there - and in the most tortured way possible. No committal. No discussion. Bristling at the very idea of a serious conversation. Not into me? Fine. But the cruel way in which she would just emotionally and mentally check out...I'm devastated and feel awful.
But it's time for me and you to let it go. Whats the alternative? Many people deal with much worse. We basically lost nothing except, thankfully, someone who would have made us feel terrible had we stayed. That's very real...so keep reminding yourself of that.
Here are the words I've crafted to help get me through it: "Being dumped feels awful, humiiating and debilitating. Staying with her would have been worse."
Hope this helps.
Just a quick reminder: You haven't lost anything, you never had had it before. And you know what? Now he's playing his game on a different field with a different partner. But his game stays the same. His new chick will follow your footsteps, sadly. Time for compassion for her, actually...
Been there with my ex, trust me. This is all so screwed up, we have to liberate us from this mess! We deserve better!
I am walking away from my 18 year marriage because his dysfunction and emotional numbness is just too much to take. The more he pulls back, the more I blame myself. He is passive aggressive and often tries to lay subtle blame my way. I have literally done EVERYTHING I can, including just accepting it for more years than we’re comfortable. The part where you talk about wondering if he understands what he’s letting go. That’s what hurts the most. That they can casually toss aside someone who has dedicated a life to them, holding space for his issues, while he categorically won’t get help. He admits he has problems but he won’t specify what they are, nor does he feel moved to address them. I can walk away knowing I showed up in every way I could. But no more.
Hi Ellen,
This is me too- I did walk away from my marriage for many of the reasons that you state. It got to a point of me- all giving- him all taking and burying his head. Don't allow yourself to lose who you are by trying to appease and accept someone who just isn't able to give you what you need. I too was always the source of his issues and he refused to get help after some serious events.
I got to the point where I couldn't take anymore and had to find something that was going to let me be me again. You can make the right choice and it sounds like you have. If you decide to go, you will realise the suppression that this situation creates and you will remember who you are, what you have to give and be able to think of that person again instead of putting all your energy into someone who is just not there.
I wish you the best- it's not easy at all but sometimes we are better off on our own.
The fact that he CAN toss that aside, Ellen, only confirms for you just how emotionally unavailable he is and why you've come to this place you have where nothing else left to lose except him. I wish with all my heart these men were capable of looking within and getting the help they needt to get to the deep roots of where their issues stem from, but to them, it seems so much easier, so much less shameful a place, to simply keep on doing what they're doing, what they've always done and what our culture has always accepted they do. I have hope that one day it will different, but until then, yes, it is we who have to make the choice of whether we can or can't live with who they are and who they are unwilling to change. Get some support for yourself as you walk through this. The passive agressiveness adds a sneaky subtle tone to all of this that can wreak havoc on your own emotional well-being.
Hi I am crying as I write this, my boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me 2 days ago and I feel like I'm dying. The more I think about it the more I realize that he was so emotionally repressed and unavailable, but he mad me believe so many things he made me believe we had a future together that he loved me. I am getting a puppy and he made me believe we were going to be a lil family,. I asked him so many times if he really wanted this and he kept saying yes. And from one day to another all a sudden he says to me that he has been thinking and he has a very big feeling that he doesn't see a future with me, when I ask him why he says I don't know just a feeling. I feel so betrayed because only a week ago we went to look for puppy beds for his house and I asked him again and he said ofcourse I want this. I feel so betrayed and angry and idk wat to do I can't stop crying but I know I don't want him back. And I'm so scared that my new puppy will be reminder of his lies and his betrayal and I've been wanting her for so long and I'm so scared he will take that joy from me. Please help me.
Ana I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I too felt like you just 2 months ago, it was only last week I started to feel better! and accept that it was over. You will get there, it's going to hurt alot for a while though but there is an end to this pain I promise. Your puppy will give you something else to focus on its the best idea to get one asap now. Stay strong, you can and will get through this x
Thanks for jumping in here, Michelle. So glad you're starting to feel better!
He can't do anything to you that you don't allow him to, Ana. I know this is so hard, the feeling like you're dying is such a familiar one, but if even this was too much for him, how would he have been when life throws so much more at the two of you down the road? What you do right now is allow yourself to feel every feeling, don't run from whatever emotions come up for you. This feels every bit like you're dying inside and there are specific stages of grief to go through. He wasn't capable, isn't capable, doesn't know what he wants or how to get back to how he wants to feel. He can't give you answers when he doesn't know himself, and this isn't a guy who's in touch enough with himself and his own feelings, and his own stuff to be honest enough with you. Enjoy your new puppy. Let your new puppy be the beginning. She's an innocent little dog who's looking to you to be her world. I'm so sorry he couldn't follow through with what he said he could. I suspect you intuitively sensed something was up and that's why you asked him again. No one can take your joy from you. No one can take the life out of you. You only want someone who's on the same page as you, Ana, who can be who he says he is and can follow through the way you need him to. If he gets there, you'll be the first to know, but right now, focus on taking care of yourself and treating yourself so compassionately. This isn't about you. It's about him.
You won. You got a puppy and got to shed the emotionally unavailable human.
Seriously - I was in the same boat. Here are the words I tell myself that have helped get me through it:
"Being dumped feels awful, humiliating and debilitating. Staying with her would have been worse."
Hope this helps.
Finding this website has been so helpful for me in not feeling like I'm alone. I feel like I'm at this point in my life - After 36 years of looking for "the one," I thought I found him, only for him to tell me 10 months into our relationship that he wasn't looking for anything serious. I had asked him in the past if he wanted marriage and children and had told him that those were prerequisites for me when we started dating. He had told me that he was slow moving into a relationship initially - and took months to establish that I was his girlfriend, but I just thought he was working with some issues from a past relationship. I hurt so much right now, and keep thinking that maybe at this age in my life, there just isn't anyone out there who wants to commit anymore. I refuse to wait around and hope he will commit to me, but my heart is breaking. I ask him what he wants from me and he keeps telling me he doesn't know. He's told me he doesn't want me to leave, that he thinks he might be able to marry me, that he might be able to commit in the future - but he can't say when or how long. Do I even give him a chance when he says something like that?
I don't want to walk away, but I know I have to for the chance at what I need in my life. But how does one even believe they have a chance at love again when something like this happens? How do you not give up?
Only if you can wait for someone who "can't say when or how long", Monica. That doesn't give you any power here, no say, no control, no place for you. This is all about him. He's one person. One person who can't figure out his own issues and obviously isn't motivated enough to trudge through his own stuff to get there. If it only takes one person to leave you believing you'll never have a chance at love again, it will only take one more person to show you love always finds its way to you again. Don't try to see it now; just know that you will. This is far too raw, too real, too absolutely heartbreaking to see anything else but the pain you're going through right now. But one day soon, you will. Focus on you. Look at who you are, put your energy into some creative outlets and find a way to express yourself in a way that's so freeing when it's all about you. Write, draw, paint, dance, volunteer, make a difference somewhere. Do something you've never done before that you've always wanted to do. There's a life still waiting for you to live it, Monica. Don't let one guy who couldn't get his act together enough to figure out what he wants to do, keep you from living the life you were made for. You're never, ever alone!
Hi Monica,
I was in a similar situation not too long ago. Around the same ago as you too. My ex made it seem like he wanted it all: marriage, future, kids. He even asked me if his friend could officiate our wedding (no he hadn’t proposed!). When I finally asked what his timeline was for wanting to get married he flipped. Apparently he was the only one allowed to bring up these topics! Said I was pressuring him (I definitely wasn’t) because I asked that. He also never really made much time (maybe I’d see him twice a week) for me even though he told me often that he loved me so much.
Anyway, the point of my story is that I was heartbroken when it ended. I tried so hard to fix things but he had no interest. He was online dating within days of us breaking up. It was awful. So I wrote a list of what was important to me going forward in my next relationship. It helped me get clear on priorities that were important to me. One month after the breakup I met my current bf who is amazing. We’ve been together for a year and just bought a house.
I know a lot of it is luck but there are good people out there. Try to avoid the tendency to date toxic people (that’s what will feel familiar to you, trust me). Take time for yourself but try to trust your gut going forward. Watch what people do and not what they say. That was my biggest takeaway. That will really help you determine if you have a great guy in front of you!
Trust me sometimes it can take a while (I’m still not 100% all the time) but you’ll get there. Good luck!
Ah of all the articles I've read this one hit home the most. I ended my 3 year relationship 2 months ago and I'm shattered into tiny pieces. I was besotted with him from day one but alas, he was 100% emotionally unavailable.
His mum threw him out when he was 14 and he lived on friends sofas for most of his teens, he hasn't spoken to his mum since so I knew where it stemmed from. I knew within the first few weeks of dating something was off, he never seemed to enter the "infatuation stage" he would happily cancel our dates if his friends rung him up wanting to hang out. He was never excited by me or the prospect of spending time with me. And nothing changed at all in 3 years, I thought he was just slow to fall in love and one day he would get there but eventually I realised he had got as far as he was ever going to.
I lost alot of self respect and probably alot of respect from him in the last year in my efforts to, as you say, "make him see and make him realise" how right this all was and how wrong his lack of feelings were. I'm totally heartbroken but I would never go back, 3 years of confusion, self doubt, not feeling remotely important enough or attractive enough and I'm done. His loss.
Thank you so much for this article, I'm not insane this is a true state of mind that some people are stuck in and they will never know the joys of being absolutely in love, that head over heels excitement of being with someone you love. I pity them really.
And that's always the irony, Louise; "... and nothing change at all in 3 years." Pick up those beautiful pieces of you and watch them grow into something more beautiful than ever before. It IS his loss. But more importantly, you are now free. For all the sad, heartbreaking stories of what these men have gone through, remember that for all that his story tugs at your heartstrings, you can't change him, you can't fix him, you can't help him become what he doesn't choose to become himself. At some point, as you reached one here, you have to let go to save yourself.
No you can't fix them. But the annoying irony is that in my efforts to change him I guarantee the next girl gets a better version of him than what I started out with haha. I'm hoping I won't care anymore though by the time that comes.
My boyfriend and I had lived together for 7 years and somewhere during the first couple he got some marriage documents which he had filled in. I asked him why he had done that and he said something like 'I thought it would be a nice surprise' or something like that. At the time I didn't trust this because he just wasn't communicating - talking about his feelings or the relationship in a way that I had envisioned my future husband would. He would say that he was only interested in talking about ideas and all the other stuff he had transcended and found boring. He had been a monk for 12 years before I met him and whenever I used to ask him what his priority was, he would say 'his spiritual development', obviously this made me feel angry and ignored. I was always confused as to how one can be in a relationship and not prioritise the person who one is in the relationship with. We would argue but were still having a good time, going out, partying with friends and spending all our time together. But for me there was always something missing - the emotional connection part, consequently, I was accused of being demanding, verbally abusive, ungrateful and a host of other toxic behaviours as well as being blamed all the time for having a problem with the non- love that I felt I was getting . In response I would become demanding and verbally abusive even though I know that that is not my natural state of being. I tried to get close to him for years, helped him get a job, found and decorated all the various houses we lived in, paid for most things as I had more money than him, cooked every day for us both etc etc.
Mainly he would sulk in his room and mediate when we would argue or just leave or break up with me when I would suggest going to therapy together (I was studying psychology at the time). He never gave in one inch to anything that I wanted or needed. Things started to escalate when I started getting pregnant at age 44-48 I had 4 miscarriages in 4 years and had no emotional support from him - him saying that I am emotionally volatile so my upset, loss and crying belonged to me way before these pregnancies started happening. We tried 1 IVF cycle last summer which ended in a miscarriage and 10 days later he left me for good. In the last couple of years he had found a new guru who he wanted to follow and was not interested in a relationship with me as I had 'too many rules' (a reason he had left the former spiritual community in the first place) Gradually over the next few months he left - I begged him back - he came back and left again and eventually moved out about 6 months ago. I saw him 'as a friend' until a couple of weeks ago and then nothing at all from him. I was always the one getting in touch and when I suggest to meet he will see me as if nothing's happened between us. He's said things like 'I was very patient and forgiving' and 'there is no past.' This I can only call insanity because if anyone was patient and forgiving it was me. I went through so much trauma and heartache for a very long time and then was thrown away as if I was a bag of rubbish. I thought he was my soulmate and life-partner - we had nearly everything in common culture wise, looks, age, interests, hobbies, sense of humour etc. The only thing missing - which turns out to be the most important thing - was emotional connection. I feel that I messed it all up with me not being OK with my emotional deprivation (which I discovered in the last couple of years) and if I had been calmer about my childhood ideas of what a relationship should look like then it might have possibly worked out. I fear that he will meet someone else who he will be emotionally available with and that will prove to him that he was right all along and that I was wrong. I still love him but I also hate myself for loving a 'demon'. I know I deserve better but I also blame myself a lot as to how things turned out. I feel like I've wasted 7 of the best years of my life and now I'm too old to have hope of a new 'real' relationship that I knew I always deserved, especially with the added emotional scar left by this toxic one.
Never too old, Serene. Never too late. This is what it took to get you to this place. And now you know what you'll never EVER tolerate again.
This isn't just a case of emotional unavailability. Read up about covert/victim narcissists. What you describe is classic behavior across many, many stories. Don't give a second thought to him being emotionally available with someone else. He won't be. The only thing that sometimes happens with these types, especially at this age, is he'll find a woman in the same reject pool and they'll accept each other's dysfunction. But don't mistake that for the real relationship you are looking for and deserve. Otherwise he will just leech off another supply who sacrifices too much for his "potential", and the whole thing repeats. This gets harder to pull off with aging though, especially if he doesnt have money. Really work on accepting your own worth and showing -yourself- the love and compassion that you were so willing to give away to him for free. Otherwise you also risk repeating the same pattern. <3
"Sacrifices too much for his potential". I think you've just hit the nail on the head there. It's hard to get over and accept the fact that you've literally spent the entire relationship in love with what you envisioned as their potential rather than the absent person they actually were.
Brilliant! Yes, mine was a victim and never wanted to get out of it. He was always lamenting the fact that his wife had cheated on him, meanwhile, she had complained that she felt completely lonely, unheard and ignored. These people do the same thing over and over. They are not there for anyone and they are very narcissistic. They love bomb you in the beginning and make all these plans with you… It’s called future faking. Then, when you finally put your bags down and you lean in, they lean back. Yes, mine was a victim and never wanted to get out of it. He was always lamenting the fact that his wife had cheated on him, meanwhile, she had complained that she felt completely lonely, unheard and ignored. These people do the same thing over and over. They are not there for anyone and they are very narcissistic. They love bomb you in the beginning and make all these plans with you… It’s called future faking. Then, when you finally put your bags down and you lean in, they lean back. It’s brutal.
Hi, thank you for this article. I am 5 week’s post breakup with a guy I thought was amazing but looking back was never willing to connect with me properly. We were together for 5 months and I was driving to another city 1-2x a week to stay at his. He bought me a trip to Lisbon for my Christmas present and got me a key cut to his place but whenever we had any sort of discussion about emotions or even a small conflict he would start to pull away. Any time I had a problem with his actions and tried to explain it calmly he would at first acknowledge my emotions but subtly refuse to compromise then the day after he would invalidate them and make me feel like I was needy/crazy/jealous. I got so anxious that I couldn’t eat and I lost 15lbs as I never knew where I stood... we seemed to be moving forwards in some aspects of the relationship but never getting closer in an emotional sense. He would blame his parents divorce and say he was numb from that. It all came to a head when I knew he’d been lying to me for months about taking drugs (which I had been very clear from the start I was against due to a family member who struggled with addiction and died) and I realised I had to have a conversation with him about it. He told me that he was really sorry and would do anything to change and that I was the best thing in his life and he hated himself for hurting me. He said I was his priority and he would do anything to fix it. The next day I FaceTimed him and he said he couldn’t see a future for us and then instead of mentioning anything to do with our drugs conversation, just listed all the things I’d done wrong, saying we were incompatible and that he could never love me. He said we were too different and that is why his feelings hadn’t developed. But everything he said was completely at odds with all he’d been saying in the week leading up to this. I only found out as we were breaking up that this was his first relationship at age 25 as he hadn’t opened up at all before that. Everyone I spoke to said that the things he listed were just normal relationship conflicts and should have been easily resolved together, but he made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Even after 5 weeks I’m completely heartbroken and have no idea how to let go of it all and move on. He was so lovely at first and I really thought we had a future, but it all ended out of the blue and now I’m so confused and beating myself up. Everyone is saying that it’s his problem and not mine, but I feel broken and flawed because of it.
It is his problem, Sara. Anyone who's resorting to drugs then lying about it then changes the subject by making everything wrong all about you is someone who's deeply, deeply troubled. It always ends badly when someone is unable to face themselves and the truth. Don't beat yourself up anymore. You had to confront him. This had to come out. For you. You could never have been happy in the long run with someone like this, nor could he have kept living a lie of who he was or what he was going through. Time to give yourself some self-care. He's making his choices without any regard for you. Give yourself what he isn't able to give you and know that if he were different, if the situation could be any different, it would be. I could go on and on here, Sara, but I hope this gives you some outside perspective you might not have otherwise have had. You're so not alone here. There's so many women who can identify with what you're going through and unfortunately in our culture, it's more acceptable for men as a gender to take their pain undercover and hide it with drugs or alcohol than it is to admit they're having a hard time and get the help they need. You couldn't save him, you couldn't save the two of you; that's his work. You did everything you could do.
I am literally going through this right now. I just ended a 7-year relationship, I cannot tell you how badly I wanted to believe that he really loved me as much as he said and wanted to make things work. I wanted to move forward in our relationship but he was content staying in the same spot. After 7 years, I never got a house key, I never got to see him more than once or twice a week, I never got a ring, and we never moved in together. Finally reached my limit where I couldn't stand being rejected anymore. But I'm absolutely heartbroken, we did have so many great times together, I helped him get sober, he was with me through embarrassing surgeries, and we traveled too many places together. I'm feeling like I'm missing a part of me. Part of me desperately wants to reach out and apologize, but a more rational part of me is telling me there's no point oh, he will never change. I'm not really sure how to cope with all this, most of my friends and family have told me how proud they are of me for standing up for myself.
It just hurts so much 🙁
It's not that you never got those things, Bailey, it's that you were with someone so incapable of participating in those things that are part of a progressive relationship with someone, that he couldn't have given them to anyone. Don't take on his issues as a rejection of you. These are all things you would have been a part of if he'd had the capicity to give them to you. That you didn't have them with him is in no way a reflexion of you or your worth or your ability to have them with someone else who will be capable of these normal relationship events. I know it hurts. I know that proud feeling your familiy and friends have for you is little consolation in light of the longing you have to change things. What would you be apologizing for and why? Listen to that rational side. It's a wise, intuitive side of you that knows. You were a light for him that he could only draw from, with nothing to give you except what he already showed you was the extent of all he had to give.
OMG I can’t believe I posted on this 2 years ago and Im still in the same situation with a few little changes, but 5.5 years and I’m still with him, accepting his emotional abuse, I’ve tried so many times to let go but he wins me back with empty promises. Jane why can I not let him go???
Oh the ties that bind us to the ones we should never be with but can't extricate our broken hearts from holding onto. So many things, Gabby. Keep coming back to you. Like Plenty said, it's finding your own strength and self-worth and really, finding what makes you alive again - without him - that gives us what we need to compensate for the loss we inevitably feel even before it's done. Keep coming back here - something somewhere is going to resonate with you!
One of your very best posts Jane. It has healing power. I’ve read it several times but this morning it made me cry. I think that’s good. It’s a release, cathartic. When you get to a point where something resonates deeply that’s what happens. I wouldn’t say it was too much to describe this morning as my moment on the road to Damascus.... to accept the past as a learning experience not a mistake is sooo good....
Never a mistake, Cate. We get clearer and stronger and so much closer to where we want to be with every single step, especially the imperfect ones. They're gold!
I met a guy online and although we seemed to have a great connection, something went awry. we're both in the healthcare field so it's no mystery that he is pretty busy himself and I am a student one semester away from graduation. we used to talk so much in the beginning and when work got crazy or as he calls it, his communication with me would wane and waiver at his command. we were suppose to meet in person as proposed before, but before that time even come, he said bye because of all the work and life stress. its not that i couldnt deal with his work schedule, it was more of his communication. it was never official but it could have been if we did meet. I was getting really triggered and I blew up on the fact that his communication was not consistent and it scared me( i had an ex who used intentional silence before breaking up with me). its been a mere 8 months and i do now see how we both played a part. the loss was how much energy and effort i spent, and being emotionally invested.
Of course it scared you, Diane. And now you know so much more about what you need and how much that matters to you. Clarity out of our losses can be a beautiful thing, even with all the pain, if it brings us closer to what we desire - and deserve!
I was with an emotionally unavailable guy on and off for 4 years. I loved him and I loved what I thought we would have - if only he faced his fears.
In November I explained to him that I was fed up of feeling so undesired due to his commitment fears. We split up.
A few weeks later he text me to tell me that he realised what a good woman I was and that he wanted to try again and face his fears. I ignored his text.
After Xmas I got more messages, telling me how he can’t stop thinking about me and that he realises I’m the only woman he wants. He also said he would seek counselling.
We got back in contact. I was very cautious and after a few weeks I pointed out that I didn’t want to slip back into our old ways and that I hoped he would’ve sought some help, like he said he would. He said he would address it.
Three weeks later and he still hadn’t. He asked if he could come over and I declined. I said that whilst it was ultimately his responsibility to seek help and face his fears, I am responsible for harbouring them by allowing him to behave like nothings happened.
He said he understood and apologised. He said he was scared as he wanted to change the direction of his life but wanted me in it.
The next day he text to say he had his first counselling session that afternoon!
I was so impressed...
However, in the days that followed he became distant. He said he’d been diagnosed with suppressed emotions and he was scared about how this would therapy would unfold.
After one 45 minute session, he split up with me again! He states he doesn’t think he can give me what I want / deserve!
I know in time I will see this as a blessing.
However, right now it hurts and I’m so confused. He has spent the last six weeks winning me back and telling me how much he loves me. I can’t beleive that he’s finally found the strength to
Admit and face his fears via counselling and he’s pushed me away...after 45 minutes!!!
Don't take any of his actions to heart, Crystal. This is a man who has no idea what he's doing and it's going to take a lot more than one 45 minute session for him to grapple with all that he needs to figure out before he'll be ready and capable of any kind of a relationship with anyone!
I so get this ❤️NOW!!!
So glad, Cate!
I would let him go, he is afraid to change
And he wants you back in his life. But it looks like you will have to be the one to cut the ties. Don’t respond to his letters, text
Or calls. And tell him it’s over
Thank you Jane. And thank you everyone else too for sharing and supporting one another.
I have just come out of a relationship with a beautiful man who had, unconsciously become emotionally unavailable from his marriage. He is a kind man and showed much love to me, but little commitment (not consulting with me on mutual plans, future was hard to plan, he not communicating in difficult times and he listening to my needs when I kindly expressed them, but not responding authentically).
The two years we spent together I was dedicated and committed to our relationship and his two children. At the end of our relationship, I, with research, uncovered his commitment issues and presented them to him. He received them well, reading a book I also loaned him and then made a full admission that he had not been doing all the above things. That felt great and not so great too. He still doesn't want to be with me. I became very resentful and highly emotional toward the end of our relationship and he is holding on to that and states he doesn't want a relationship. I understand he has a lot of growth to undertake too.
I was willing to undertake the growth, dedicated and committed and together. I am ready for that in my life, however, he has chosen no.
Yes I'm sad but now I have some of my own growth (managing and acceptance of my emotions, temper control, trigger ifentification) to do before I am ready to undertake my next love.
Don't ever stop learning and loving xx
Just to note. He became emotionally unavailable from his marriage and then divorce.
Snap...thank god for Jane ❤️
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Loved your post. Going through it now. What was the book? I hope you have healed.
I was reading this article and even though many commented on it awhile ago, I just want to say how much I feel the same way as you do, Joanna and Nett. I went through the same thing, off and on. I suffered so much, but I learned so much. I see him now for who he is, an insecure little boy as a grown man. When you know who you are and what you want in a relationship, as beautiful Jane teaches us, it changes everything. Thank you so much, Jane, for your amazing articles and a big thank you to all of you, beautiful ladies whose comments help me so much, even now.
Hi Naomi,
I'm sorry but I had a bit of a giggle at the maybe in 6 months part, which passed and another, im not laughing at you at all, i just thought I was the only one still waiting around for a EUM, long distance! Mine has said this so many times in the last 4 1/2 years and has now said March 2018. You know what, im also seeing a therapist and she asked me if seriously deep down I think this will happen, with tears running down my face I finally admitted that I didn't believe it anymore. It is so heart wrenching to have your dreams shattered, but I can see a little more clearly now. I'm growing stronger and wanting to get to the stage of closing the door on him for ever. I'm not there yet, i have lots more work to do on myself, baby steps, im not answering all his calls, taking a lot longer to answer txt's Im trying to pull away and working towards letting go forever, Naomi I know its so very hard and easy to forget the crap they deal us when things are good, but I am honestly so fed up with being upset and crying over him.
Hugs to you
Ohhhhh Gabby! It sounds like we are in a very siniliar spot. We both love them still and can't do the immediate cut-off so we are slowly weaning ourselves off as we build our own strength. That's ok! At least I keep telling myself that and I'm telling you, too. Sending hugs back to you. <3
When I read others' stories I see so clearly that every beautiful woman contributing here deserves what she knows in her heart she wants and I see the disconnect in her belief that she's worthy of what she wants and that she's not asking too much-if it's the right person! I have a tougher time applying this to myself-I am in this same situation. Been dating a clearly emotionally unavailable man for over two years-80 miles between us-not as far as some but still long distance. In the beginning, I should have seen the signs and I'm disappointed in myself I didn't pay attention-The distance was hard for me from the get go as I was abandoned as a girl and so I asked for a date night once a week where we meet halfway in addition to our normal weekend time. He couldn't commit because of his work. I told him I loved him five months in and waited another five months before he said it back and that was only because I told him I couldn't stay in this if he didn't know that he loved me yet. A year in, I asked him to move in together-there was no excitement or enthusiasm from him-he said maybe in another six months. Well those six months have passed and so have another.
I know somewhere deep in my heart that I'm unsatisfied and deserve what I want which is a family. Yet this tiny part of me doesn't believe it so I'm going to counseling to build my self esteem so I can break free.
I want to be with someone who is equally as excited and invested in a future with me and my amazing son. This isn't working for me anymore and I am getting closer every day to be strong enough to say goodbye so I can say hello to what I'm worth.
I find such strength and comfort here from the stories and responses. I want to be the beautiful girl who knows her worth and doesn't let others treat her like she's undeserving of her dreams because she knows with every bit of her heart that she deserves so so so much more.
Reading everyone's stories and comments has made me want to reach out with my own story.
For the past 4 and half years I've been in a long distance relationship with what I now see is with an EUM.
We have known each other for 35 years, but have had marriages to other people in that time, we reconnected 4 years ago and it was like lightening!! The connection was so strong, at first it was all full on, however over time I've started to realise that I'm being strung along, he goes missing for days with no contact, telling me he has not had phone signal where he was working, yet I've seen him on social media, which he denys being on. My calls and txt's go unanswered till it's convient for him.
In this time I have not met his family or children, apparently he says they know there is someone in his life but not who, he tells me he is a very private person and doesn't discuss his life with anyone. He has been living in his own place for the last 18 months and Ive only just recently been there to stay! He said he felt his place wasn't good enough. He talks about our future and has made a few time frames for our LDR to be finished and us to be together, however there is always more time added to it. Now he has said March next year as he needs to get him self together to be with me and come in to our relationship with no baggage from the past ( he had a lot of financial debt with the ex). As I've been let down by him so many times, I just don't know if I can keep my life on hold continuously anymore, i made him a priority he made me an option. I try to back off, he steps it up with contact etc. we do see each other monthly, he tells his family he is going away for work or if I'm at his place he tells them he will be away!!! He says he doesn't want to be disturbed and spend all the time with me! I can never contact him when I need to, I can't rely on him for emotional support as I learnt recently, i was going through something, i talked to him about it, he said I'm here for you, then no contact for 2 days, he was tired from work and just fell asleep when he got home!! I'd call he said he didn't hear the phone, but then says I got a call to go into work!! I know I can see how wrong this all is, problem is I love him, but at what price do I have to pay in the hope it may happen!
Hi Gabby... I'm so sorry you are going through this... but it's been 4 1/2 years, it's more than enough time for him to know what he wants. And he's showing you what it is. He's doing what works for him. And he's only doing it because you allow him to.
I'm not saying that if you tell him that he'll change, they rarely do. So know this: you deserve better! So much better!
People only give what they have. This is what he's able to give you. Are you happy?
This is as good as it gets. Can you spend the rest of your life like this?
It's your decision.
Big hug.
Thank you Anna, No I'm not happy and I know I deserve so much more, but I don't know how to let go ......
This is exactly what I'm going through now ... what you just said are the feelings that I'm working through and to try to get to the other side . Then a relationship for eight years and I walked away not for anyone specific reason but for the reasons you stated I guess emotionally unavailable is what it exactly was . This happened last May but the turn is he started seeing someone and they were engaged in July and married this past weekend . Of course Ive asked all those questions why not me why her? I put in a decade ..what did she do different? And regardless of people telling me they know her good luck to him etc. my heart still hurts . I hear I've dodged a bullet so right now I am working through the motions to get to the point where I believe that . Thank you for your article reading more things like this will help me truly understand that I'm not alone in that journey ❤️
Laurie,
Remember he is the same person he was when you left him. He hasn't changed.
I know it hurts a lot.
Stay strong! You left the relationship for a reason, remember that.
Jane, I always enjoy reading your articles but this one was perfectly timed for me at the moment. Always feel like I’m receiving a nice, big hug from you.
I recently got dumped by a guy I was in a long-distance relationship with – he’s in the UK and I’m in Australia. We were only together for about four months, but he dumped me two months ago completely out of nowhere. Reading your articles, I know he is emotionally unavailable. He suffers from severe depression and has Asperger’s syndrome. He mentioned to me how whenever he told previous girls this, they would leave him and I said that I wouldn’t. He is quite a bit younger than me, but he fell in love with me very quickly (red flag).
I am currently at university and there were times very early on in our ‘relationship’ (he never called it that) where I would get emotional because of all the stress I was going through and he was somewhat supportive. I worry now that that might have contributed to the break-up in hindsight, as I know guys with Asperger’s get overwhelmed and can’t really handle emotion.
Anyway, long story short, things were seemingly going well – we had a chat over the last weekend together about spending more time together online and working towards making our relationship more of a priority as we’re both busy). Things seemed well. Then one morning out of nowhere he messaged me on WhatsApp and said we had to chat. He said that I’m a lovely person, but he didn’t think it was going to work between us. He said that distance was an issue – despite him knowing from the beginning I was in Australia and he thought he was okay with it.
He said that the problem wasn’t anything to do with me, but all with him – he just didn’t think he was ready for a relationship at the moment (despite wanting to be in one with me at the beginning in spite of my hesitation). Despite him mentioning we were in a relationship, he said when he ‘broke up’ with me that we weren’t breaking up as we were never in a relationship…what the heck would you call it then?! He said that he did love me romantically, but now loves me only as a friend and that’s how he sees me now…despite him not being able to say why this was the case that his feelings changed. He mentioned that he feels he has grown apart from me, but is unsure why. I don’t understand how someone’s feelings can change that quickly when I am not aware of having done anything wrong? He also said that I was affectionate, but not supportive – despite trying to offer to be there for him as much as possible in an online situation would allow. I don’t know what else I could have done.
He wants to be friends, but he blocked me on Facebook and Skype. When I asked why he blocked me on Facebook, he said he didn’t want to hurt me in cause I saw him in a relationship with someone in a few month’s time. However, if you want to remain friends why would you block someone? I even offered to give him another chance, but he didn’t think he could do that. Ihave been no contact with him for two months now and wondering if I should reach out to him? Jane, I know that you don’t usually encourage being friends with exes but I don’t know what to do. When I have spoken with my therapist, he has mentioned that it seems like this guy is a commitment-phobe.
I’m sorry about the long post, I am still finding it hard to get over him and just feel so hurt. I don’t know what to do and am looking for any advice that can be offered in this lovely, supportive group.
Hi Lisa...
Sorry you are hurt. We've all been there.
Sometimes stories end for no specific reason, for reasons we can't understand...
We get hurt, we question ourselves. What could I have done differently?
There's nothing you did wrong. You've given your best. And you will find someone who will see and appreciate that.
There are somethings in life we just have to accept, even though we don't understand.
I hope this helps. Jane and this community have given me support so many times, I hope I could give you some comfort too ❤️
I am still reeling from this happening to me. When we met, he was floundering professionally so I encouraged him to move to Missouri to be with some family and get a fresh start.
Surprisingly, we started growing closer despite a long-distance relationship and he'd send me cards and phone calls and texts and visits, professing his exclusive and undying live for me.
He was never hot and cold and always said he'd "marry me tomorrow."I even went to therapy to be sure this is what I wanted and finally let him convince me this was real love.
Within days of me saying it and him getting me to promise I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, he was back-pedaling about being free to roam the world for his career and then within weeks I find out he is in a serious relationship with another woman where he lives.
I am so heartbroken, and just keep retracing this article.
Don't get distracted by her, Lori. She's only an illusion and a distraction to him. He thinks she'll be the one to save him from whatever he's running from, but he's finding out that no one can. I can't tell you enough of how much better off you are without him, but I so get your hearbreak right now. Feel everything. It will get easier, I promise you! Start by recognizing his pattern here - he was all into you and your future together until you were all in. What does that say about him? If he can't handle that, what can he handle? You, yes you. Don't ever underestimate your power. You called his bluff!
Thank you!
And the hits keep coming... I just found out today he's already been living with this woman, bragging to his friends how he doesn't have to pay anything when he told me he couldn't come back without a good job because he couldn't "mooch off me" or I would resent him. He's also talking about retiring with her to Florida after he told me he couldn't afford to and didn't want to retire.
I feel so betrayed by his overnight 180 after all those years of professing his undying love ...
He sounds horrible, Lord. See that. Focus. You've been spared!
Thanks, Angel!
You never fail to amaze me! I don't know if it is some karmic energy in the universe or just pure luck, but every time I am going through a breakup, you send the perfect article which literally reflects my current situation! It actually brought a huge smile to my face yesterday. So, thank you for that!
My boyfriend, out of the blue, turned around and left me on Saturday after I'd moved half way across the world for him (and a job). It was a complete 180 from the month before where we had grown emotionally much stronger, supported each other, enjoyed talking/laughing/quizzes/everything - the long distance relationship didn't seem to matter or prevent us from growing closer - I could feel how much he cared - it was quite obvious to me and to all those around me.
But then, suddenly, it was as if panic had set in. I was there on his doorstep and decisions about "us" and our "future" were going to have to be made. He is an incredibly introverted and anxious person and trying to get him to talk about his concerns has always been hard - but I am guessing all those thoughts compounded into one when I arrived - and absolute fear kicked in. So he ran ... he told me he just didn't think he fancied me enough / didn't feel that passion ... and ran! It hurts like hell! And it is only because of the counselling and your workshop which I did in 2014, that I have been able to hold it together and really work at not believing that this is about me - as I really don't think this is. I just hope that the pain passes soon because honestly, it's like a 24 hour numbness at present infiltrated with hope that he'll realise what a mistake he's made...but hey, I also know I'll be alright in the end.
Aw, I'm so glad this came right when you needed it, Mountain Pixie. And hey, I also know you'll be alright - more than alright!-in the end! Numbness with hope is no way to live - and the only way we do ever live around someone like this. Remember that, ok?
This is true, I found out after two years of dating that he was not interested in commitment. This time around I thought that I picked the right one, more serious, more mature. So I decided that I had to be true to myself and ended it, and to my surprise, he did not come back, he did not come to his senses and told me that he too wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I don't know what hurts more, the fact that I miss him, or his indiference, which proves that he was never mine.
Oh Rosa, the last thing you need is an indifferent man! I know you miss him, but remember it's what he could be on a good day you miss, not the most of the time, real guy underneath who wasn't interested in a commitment after all - and waited 2 years to tell you! 2 years! You know you deserve better, and now you're free to be with better!
This article is so spot on. It was definitely a dream that I was mourning the loss of. The empty promises of marriage and a happy life together which he always seem to dangle in front of my face like a carrot. The constant closeness and then him pulling away was so extremely painful for me. I finally realized he is a man that can't love. All the wasted time and effort on this man and trying to analyze why he was treating me the way he did and hoping he'll change. He tried pulling that on me again after we broke up. This time I saw through him and the act. I felt amazing to say "enough is enough" . I finally valued myself and want a real relationship and not an illusion of one.
I'll bet it did, Nett. Enough is enough are powerful words when you're used to living for barely enough. You go, girl! 🙂 I can't wait to hear what's next for you!
Oh my goodness! My higher power is working in my life tonight. That's just what I needed to hear. I'm heartbroken. Just last evening I walked away from a man I care deeply about for the third or fourth time. For almost 3 years he would act as though he wanted a committed relationship, but within 2 weeks, he'd back off and change his mind. I care for him so much but each time I did have the strength to walk away. After a month or so of him chasing to get me back, I'd always go back to him thinking that he must care for me and miss me or he wouldn't be chasing me. So I'd go back to him. The 3rd time this happened I blocked him from all of my social media accounts, and phone and didn't speak with him for a year. He tried to contact me through mutual friends, but I stayed strong and refused to communicate with him. Close to a year later I was still pining for him and missed him so much. I unblocked him from my devices and eventually we started talking again. He seemed so different this time and very attentive and affectionate. It seemed as though he finally didn't take me for granted anymore. He seemed to respect me. Unfortunately that only lasted 2 weeks. He abruptly backed off and couldn't even commit to a lunch date. He said we should just be friends. This is the fourth time this has happened and I feel like such a fool. Such a fool. After this fourth and final time it is so clear to me that he and I will never be on the same page. I'm actually not a basket case today and have hopefully come to a place of acceptance. I'm almost too tired to hurt anymore. Can anyone relate?
Hi Joanna,
This has happened to me too. I was with a man for 2.5 years. He always used to tell me he wanted a committed relationship, marriage and children. He used to tell me all the time how I had all the qualities in a woman he wanted to marry. I met all his friends and family. We would be having a good period, where we would spend time together and get close. Then he'll pull away, not respond to text messages or phone calls and then come back a week or so later. I used to feel so hurt when that happened. Well, back in December he said that he needed space and needed to think about things. This came after we went on a romantic trip together. Well, he didn't call me to officially break up with me. So I tried my best to move on. Then in July, he magically appeared again saying how sorry he was and what a mistake it was breaking up with me and begged for a second chance. I was very cautious with him and went on three dates, which I thought was great. He would even text me after each date to tell me what a great time he had and was happy I was back in his life. Then my bday came, silence from him. Then he made it up to me and took me out for dinner (third date) again kept telling me he had a great time etc. Then again silence for another 1.5 weeks and he couldn't commit to any day to see me claiming he was "so busy with work". I finally had enough and told him it didn't seem like he was interested in getting back together. I blocked him from my phone and social media accounts. I finally realized he is never going to change and I can't keep doing this to myself. We deserve to have a man that is truly committed to us and wants to be with us without the "hot and cold" dance. Please stay strong and continue to put him on block. Trust me I know what how you feel, you're not alone.
Thank you Nett. The hot and cold is painful but at this point I no longer will waste my precious time. All the time I have wasted on him. And I tried so hard! It's nice to hear words of encouragement and support from women that have been through the same situation
Drop the fool part, Joanna. You learned! Sometimes it just takes us longer before it finally sinks in, but all that matters is that at some point, we do. So now you're free. Go feel that freedom. No more 2 weeks, a year, or whatever his timeline happens to be. This is where life begins on your own terms!
Thank you so much Jane!
I can relate, yes, yes and a resounding YES! again. Thank you for sharing. We are not alone <3
Thank you so much Jane for putting into words what my heart has been feeling for 3 years short of 2 months. The first year was amazing with this man- he was a dream come true and then one night due to my refusal to be intimate , he changed into a cold stranger. He has begged repeatedly that I stay with him and not date other men but he offers me nothing physical not even a hand hold. I have been feeling so lonely for so long but after reading your post I realize that there is only one decision to make: Goodby .
Bye! And hello new empowered Shaun! 🙂 Glad I could help make it so clear. PS a hand hold is the bare minimum of what you deserve! Don't get me started!
Your amazing Jane. Thank you, you nailed what I needed to hear today.
"You can't lose what never was yours in the first place". Your gift is helping so many of us, the way you detail. It's all making sense.
I'm so glad, Jasmine. I've been here more than a time or two or three. 🙂
This was so timely, Jane, and it describes 100% accurately my "relationship" with an emotionally unavailable man. I use the quotation marks because in hindsight, I realize that the two years of the on-and-off roller-coaster was not a true relationship. (I ran into more than one EUM in life -- one of them being my own father -- but now I'm only referencing the painful experience I had with someone as a grown woman.)
I did mourn the end of whatever I had with him, because the chemistry was great, and in the good times we had what felt like an amazing connection. But he was unreliable, callous, indifferent, a terrible communicator punishing me with the silent treatment whenever I asked deeper questions, and also a liar. Always blaming others, never himself. Never taking accountability for his own actions. I suffered because I saw the red flags early on, but I chose to silence my doubts and give him the benefit of the doubt, again and again. I chose to empathize with someone who never possessed empathy (not just toward me, but in general, in how he treated all those around him).
I was feeling low today, because I found myself in a situation in which I had to stand up for myself (and I did), and that triggered memories of this man from my past. Your post today made all the difference, Jane, so a big thank you. I've been among your readers for a long time, and your program helped me heal. I rarely leave comments, but I always thank you silently for everything that you do and put out there for those who need it. Thank you.
The big aside is that today I am in a healthy, stable marriage, raising a daughter very differently than my parents raised me. I am a far stronger person than I once was. (And I am among those who once thought they could never live, breathe, and be happy without that "love-of-my-life" guy. False. I did heal, and I did move on. Slowly, too slowly perhaps, but I did.) I met my current husband before choosing to pursue what I thought I had with the EUM, and after that fiasco ended, I realized even more what a generous, emotionally healthy, compassionate, honest, and reliable man the person who now is my husband is. Someone who has known me for so long, and who has stood by me in the hardest of times. I never had quite the same chemistry with him that I had with this awful guy from my past, but everything else has always been in place. There is genuine love and tenderness in this marriage, and 'fights' are fought honestly. I feel heard and understood and respected, there is none of the awful confusion. We have each other's backs. We know we can count on each other even in the worst of times (we've had our share of difficulties, but in a good relationship, things are talked about quickly, and problems are solved, they don't linger). We love each other, but I now have a very different understand of how I define love. It's much more profound than whatever I had with that guy, who clearly left a mark on my heart and soul, and not a good one. But despite the occasional triggers, I moved on.
I continue to read every single post and comment on this website, because they are constant reminders of how manipulated I was in previous relationships (whether with my father, my brother, this guy, or other similar people). Thank you to everyone for sharing their experiences. Today, I live with self-respect. In the past, I was crumbling under the shame of trying to be some meek version of myself just to please these men, who in reality could never be pleased. One would be in their good graces, until they were no longer in their good graces. Until these guys needed to be counted on. Until someone held them accountable for their actions. Then they'd turn into raging narcissists, give the silent treatment, discard, and come back to bestow their great mercy on the victim of their emotional abuse, who, lost and confused, would end up apologizing for ever having questioned their actions/words/moral fiber. With my father, he was treating me so poorly, not talk to me for weeks (over some insignificant petty issue, typically because I would not adore and worship him the way he wanted to be idolized), but then *I* would be the one who'd have to grovel and ask for his forgiveness in order to patch things up. And my mother encouraged and perpetuated this cycle, always asking me to take "the higher road" (because "your father [brother/X, Y, Z] can't"). Add decades of this, and no wonder as a grown woman I fell for the same act.
I could go on and on, but what I wanted to say is: thank you, Jane. Thank you for your incredible insights, for always finding the right words, and for giving us a forum to heal from the traumas of the past.
Oh Cathy, I'm loving reading this comment from you! I'm so glad you've found someone real, who you never EVER again find yourself "crumbling under the shame of trying to be some meek version of myself just to please these men, who in reality could never be pleased". You read my former life, didn't you?! So inspiring to hear your story. Thank you for coming out to share. You have no idea how much it means to me - and the women you in turn inspire here with your own words!
Thank you, Jane!
I love your insight. We have much in common!
Thank you, Rebecca. We learn so much from one another. Until I found this forum, I thought I was the only one living with the burden. It made all the difference to understand the unhealthy patterns in toxic and abusive relationships. Best wishes to you!
"You see, you can’t lose a man who’s emotionally unavailable. He’s already gone. Because he was never really there in the first place."
Thank you, Jane, for reminding us of this again. It is the dream of a relationship that is over. The waking up hurts, but it doesn't have to hurt forever once we understand what happened. What happened is that we opened our hearts to men who could only open their hearts a little bit.
That has been my pattern, beginning with my relationship with my wounded parents. I am coming to understand that my ability to open my own heart has also been limited and that it does not have to be that way. I am coming to understand here that for most of my life, I did not know who I was or what I wanted. I was attracted to men much like me. They could only open their hearts a little bit. They likely had wounded parents, too.
When I was 17 years old, I thought that two hearts opened just a little bit was the most incredible thing that had ever happened to me, and it was!!!! My heart had never opened up that much before. I loved that man from a distance for 42 years.
In the years of yearning, my heart remained open that tiny bit but only in connection with him. It just wouldn't open that tiny bit for any length of time for anyone else.
When I was 66, I again had the experience of two hearts opening just a little bit, and that was what brought me here. I sensed almost immediately (progress!) that something wasn't quite right in that relationship. Instead of spending 42 years unable to let go, I was able to let go and wish the second man well a year later, knowing that the relationship had been mostly in my mind and that I had learned so much about myself as a result of that experience.
Here I am learning that there is much more to love than I had ever dreamed possible. I am not sure that I want a relationship at this time in my life but if that changes, I will know how to be myself in a relationship and to love in a way I could not before.
Thank you to everyone who commented already today. I learn so much from the experiences of other women.
You have such a beautiful heart, Ella. I will do everything I can by being here to remind you of exactly what you deserve to make sure you never waste it on anyone who could ever have the heart to treat you like you've been treated ever again!
Emotionally unavailable men are basically emotionally impotent - they are not capable of giving us what we need...
never invest more in a man than he is investing in you... never allow him to be your priority when he is only treating you like an option...
Exactly!
I have had a relationship with a man for three years we were engaged, we didn't live together and three times after being engaged he disappeared on me three separate times in the last year and always blowing up in anger leaving the house or hanging up on me but never called me back and never coming back. I have children and with each of these disappearing acts when he came back he promised to never do it again because you know how badly it hurt the kids because this is the only Dad they've known... he is very verbally abusive whenever he's gotten angry calls me names and cusses me out and I found out he was using steroids for bodybuilding and he promised he would never go back to using steroids when we got back together last time because it affects his his rage it makes it worse. It's been nine weeks since I have heard from him and My heart is broken! I have tried to contact him many many times for the last nine weeks and always loving on my text messages on my part voicemails but he's never return my call. It was never an official break up he just disappeared. I just am asking do I need to tell him how about the my heart is hurting? Do I need to tell him that he promised he would ever do this again? I feel like I gave him my all - massaging him cooking for him cleaning his house all the wonderful talks we had.I've never ever uttered a single cuss word to him even when he was the meanest to me and it's so painful to be ignored and rejected I just wonder is there anything I can do?
You are with an abuser. Please seek help to detach from this person. Your children's well-being and your own are at stake. You may not be able to sort this out on your own, you need support from true friends or family members you can rely on. If possible, please consult a therapist to regain your sense of self-worth, to identify any needs that have gone unmet within yourself and to get your power back. Much love and good luck to you.
So true, Angel. I wish I could give Rebecca a big hug. Long time ago, I was in a relationship with a similar abuser (minus the cussing words), and I experienced the devastating pain that comes from someone who does the disappearing act, only to return after loving messages and calls, promise this won't happen again, then disappear again, until I gave up on him. So I understand. It's toxic and damaging, and yes, Rebecca needs to detach.
I am still haunted by memories, every once in a while, but it's thankfully in the past.
hi Jane when you say leave a comment or share a story you never seem to amaze me as to where and how does she know and feel what im going through , you hit the nail on the head every time and it gets even better.. just when i think ok!!! what else can you say that touches the heart you come up with information about this in more detail.. and its head on ... thank you Jane... for toughing the very core of what is going on in my life i myself couldn't have expressed it in such detail... im feeling all of it but to actually put it as precisely ... on point as you do... gosh you have a gift ...thank you so much and keep it coming im alsways looking for more and more .. words to heal my heart my thoughts.. my actions my core thank you
Because you call me, Lynn. I never know who until you tell me, but someone alwasy does. Thank you for believing, for having the courage to be open when so many would stay closed, especially with all the things you've been through. Don't ever doubt the power of your thoughts, your words, your requests. These are all reminders of just how powerful you are. Don't ever doubt that! Wherever your answers come from, it doesn't matter the where, it only shows you as a reminder that they do - and that you, yes, you, are the one who calls in exactly what you need to remind you of your beautiful power. It never leaves you!
My fiancée just broke up with me two months before the wedding. We were dating for two years with a few breaks in between. We had a strong physical connection but not emotional. I felt like there was always something missing and that our relationship was always very superficial. He was often distant and was always running away after we would spend couple of days together. I knew it would be too painful to brake up with him so I tried dating other people and tried to push him away and that's when he started to chase me and was giving me the world just to be with him. He asked me to marry him because he did not want to loose me. Of course I accepted! I thought this man has changed so much, I was the happiest woman in the world! He was so excited too. Well, the excitement quickly wore off and he started pulling away again and instead of us spending more time together we spent less, talked less, he would text one line a day. Until one day we had a minor argument over text after which he hasn't called for a week. I finally confronted him and asked what he was telling me with the silence. By my request we met that day and he told me he did not want to be together because we do net get along and he wants to be alone. He mentioned few instances which I thought were minor and definitely not the reason to brake up. I was devastated to believe that we would have future together. Heartbroken.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Mariana . I know that what I'm about to say is probably the last thing you want to hear, but you have dodged an enormous bullet. He did you a favor. Marrying someone like this would have been a terrible mistake. When you feel a bit better, ask yourself why you were willing to make a marriage out of a simple "physical connection", a superficial non-emotional connection. Your answers lie within you. Examine that when you're ready.
Oh, what a coward. I am so sorry you've been through this, Mariana. Angel is right, I agree with her. It would have been terrible to marry this individual. I realize how badly it hurt, but you really did dodge a bullet, like she says. A divorce from this guy would have been so much more painful than any hurt he already put you through.
I will give you another perspective, which may or may not be relevant to you. A friend of mine went through a very similar relationship to what you describe (and to what I also experienced). After a while, because he was not committing, she broke up with him. It was at that point that he started pursuing her relentlessly until she gave in (she still loved him). She thought that maybe he really did love her, and agreed to get back together. Within a week or two, he was pulling away again, so my friend unexpectedly dropped by his house one evening. He did not initially respond, but when he opened the door, he gave her some lame excuses, only for another woman to pop her head out from his bedroom. It became obvious that he only had wanted to get back together with my friend so that he had the opportunity to have the upper hand in breaking up with her. She was crushed at the time, absolutely devastated. But there is a happy ending, she ended up meeting her current husband and she is in a much happier place now.
I experienced similar things. The guy I was seeing would come back to me, just so he could later start to demolish all my objections to him in the past, and prove to me how wrong I was to complain in the first place. His ego was so fragile, he needed to constantly have the last word in.
This may or may not apply to your relationship. It took me two years of being with him on and off, and much more time after the end of the relationship, to finally understand the level of gaslighting and blame shifting coming from these people. In my case, I was clearly dealing with someone with strong narcissistic tendencies. (There's an entire forum on Quora.com discussing these personality types, and their dating patterns. Perhaps it's not relevant to your case.)
Please have hope knowing that as much as it hurts, it really was for the better that your relationship with this guy didn't last. For someone to disappear like that for a week over an argument over text is a very bad sign. I was the victim of the silent treatment, too, which I find it to be a very cowardly way to deal with conflict. The silent treatment is a horrible method of emotional abuse, because it gives the receiver no chance to work through any issues, and it makes you doubt your sanity and your thoughts. If this is how he acted now, imagine only how he would have reacted to the slightest conflict in a marriage, or when you'd both be sleep deprived after having a child. You don't want that kind of husband.
When I would feel low in the past, I'd read the comments from other women here. Understanding that I was not alone took the sting away from my experience, though not necessarily the pain. With time (a very long time), the pain faded, too. It may sound impossible to believe now, but I know that you, too, will feel better, and stronger, living your authentic life.
Hi Mariana, it hurts but you will see in the future that it was for the best. He sounds like someone with A LOT of emotional issues.
Think about it, could you live the rest of your life like that?
Probably not.. and you shouldn't!
Oh Mariana, I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I know how hard it is to be objective and see the truth for what it is when your heart is so freshly breaking, but I hope you will take the words and support from everyone here to show you that yes, this is the bullet you dogdged, the life you saved yourself from. Not yet, but some day soon, I promised you, you will. Don't ever doubt that. Love could never ever be so cruel to slam a door to your heart as painfully as this, and not give you something and someone so beautiful in its place. You deserved so much more than what you went through. Don't you dare let his grievances sit for even one more moment on you!
That is so very sad and must be devastating to go through, at least you know you got out before the marriage and divorse? You will meet someone amazing and fun, talk about a downbuzz time for some fun, and no more bring me down! Love ?
Im 49 years old and I seem to be attracting men who are not completely availability or have commitment issues. Im currently in a relationship for 6 months and is going downhill again. He started as sweet and wanting to see me and spend time with me. Past 2 months im doing all the effort and scheduling just to see him.. We barely talk we just text. Im exhausted if chasing him. I know what i have to do but why is it so hard to just walk away and move on. I thought he was the one for me.Help...
Don't text, Marina. When we settle for texting, it's all going downhill. He wasn't the one. Sounds like you've got downhill covered. Now you're ready for uphill! I'm comign along with you!
I'm so grateful to have come across this page.
I never understood when a man is emotionally unattached. Until now.
My ex has done everything in his power to communicate with me. I did everything possible to block him because I was done with his games. He still managed to connect through email. Now I'm in an amazing place in my life where I finally love myself.
Him and I just had a great telephone conversation where I asked him....why do you act weird when you see me? His response was.... I don't know. Then he's wanting to fly me to see him. I suggest he come to me. He hasn't responded. That was 3days ago..... because I'm in a good place it's kinda funny. In the past it would make me crazy.
So thank you for helping me understand emotionally unavailable. If I do speak to him again I'll let him know. ❤️
Yes great advice worth more than a dumb text, come see me if you got something important to say!!!
This is so timely for me, Jane. We were only together for 6 or 7 weeks but it was amazing, and he did seem to be really there - I didn't see it coming when he broke up with me last weekend, even though I've got really good at spotting red flags now. It feels like such a huge loss and the sadness and heaviness just runs right through me. It has also shaken my sense of my own judgement. He said he's just not ready for a relationship, but his actions and words in the beginning suggested he really was. I now mourn the loss of the amazing time we had together - it did seem real, it was real to me, and I believe to him at the time too... It's so hard, I don't want to keep going through this 🙁 I really thought I had found something real this time.
I know the feeling... been there recently too. We feel it's true, he makes us believe that. And then.. pff, he disappeared, just like that...
Sorry you have to go through that, you are not alone.
It's hard because I know the connection was true. We both felt a heart connection, not just physical chemistry. He described it as very intense, that he'd never felt that before. It's just that a lasting relationship didn't follow, simple because he's not ready. This is why it's so hard, because it was a real and true connection, but the relationship part couldn't endure at this point. He says he needs time. I've gone no contact. I've done all the right things; I can see that there's no loss of real enduring relationship, yet it hurts like hell because our connection is lost. I miss him.
Good you know you've done the right things... I always suffer thinking I could've done something different!
Call less, send less messages, wait for him to chase me, beacuse women can't chase men... I always think I showed too much affection too soon.. It eats me up inside.
He'd never felt this before exactly so why does he leave when the connection is great! this close bond makes me want to stay❣ Men are a pain, just lighten up and let's have some fun ?
He'd never felt this before exactly so why does he leave when the connection is great! this close bond makes me want to stay❣ Men are a pain, just lighten up and let's have some fun ? whoops comment for clairey
He wasn't real, Clairey, but not because of you. It's really easy to be amazing for 6 or 7 weeks, but that's not what you're lookign for. We're going for real, long term, all that good stuff you deserve with your beautiful heart and soul. Let yourself feel but don't stay here. So much better to be wrong about someone after 6 or 7 weeks, than after any more weeks, months or even years. Next!
Like ?❤ now just have to out it into practice and not go back! He left me on new years eve again - took me out for dinner, I said I noticed all night at restaurant he barely looked at me..caused him to spin out ditch me before our 2 week holiday including my daughter's wedding, talk about gut renching!!! WHY??? Been together on off for nearly 2 years ? he makes me very sad.
This letter describes my "relationship" to a T, I feel so devastated. I know he was as crazy about me as I was him, Yet always had that feeling he had one eye waiting on Miss Perfect to come along.. all his life.
I am so sad and heart broken. But you're right.. it's not over what was... but what in my mind could have been, This was my first and hopefully lady experience with an unavailable man. Every time we got close after an amazing few days he'd pull away and I wouldn't hear from him for couple days and then he'd act aloof. He did meet my family a few times but what stood out to me was he'd never make plans for the future... not even the weekend ahead. He'd never get completely open yet would never totally let me go.
Same with me, the what if...... Same story to the T
Exactly, Lugo. It's what you in your heart already know.
Spot on truth.
Glad it resonated with you, Lorraine.
It's interesting. I've never truly felt loss when it comes to the men in my past. Or maybe I just understood it like an emptiness, but it came from me trying so hard to be perfect or agreeable, not because they ever filled anything in me. I've never had anyone so that's why "loss" is not really a word that comes to mind for me. Maybe losing hope, but not a "him".
I'm glad I never had any of those hims. They weren't what I made them out to be in my mind. I was young, naive, insecure as hell, clueless. I'm still insecure, but I've become better at seeing my insecurities and just letting them be.
I've been wondering lately what being in love is. I look back and I'm not sure I was in love even though back then I thought it was. I just figure... How could I have been in love if all those experiences were unrequited? It doesn't make sense to me. I think I don't know what being in love is. I have no idea what a relationship is, no idea what love is, at least in the romantic sense.
Lately I've been dreaming of some of the men from my past, the first ones. Out of the blue they showed up in my dreams and I think it might have been my mind working out closure. Somehow I wasn't angry at them anymore. Just... Surprised to see them and overall ok. It may mean I've probably began letting go if I don't feel anger anymore.
Sounds like it, Angel. You'll know.