He’s gone or you left. Does it matter?
Not deep down in your heart where it hurts. Even if you were the one who said “enough”, it wasn’t really because you wanted to. It was because you felt you had to.
He couldn’t do it.
You tried everything to make him see, to show him what a mistake he was making if he threw it all away.
But the problem was, he couldn’t. He didn’t have it in him in the end. He may have tried, but we can’t speak for him. What we know is that he simply wasn’t capable.
I know you're heart broken. I know you're feeling down. But let me show you a different perspective here. One that took me years to figure out, and one I wished I’d had when I needed it most.
After he left. Or after I finally walked away. Or anytime during the months (sometimes years) following when I continued to revisit what had happened and if there was anything else I could possibly have done to make him stay.
You see, you can’t lose a man who’s emotionally unavailable. He’s already gone. Because he was never really there in the first place.
He was never yours to lose.
Whatever you thought he was, was only an illusion.
This is so important to understand. See, he goes through life acting like he can do it. Showing up just enough, and giving you just enough, for you to believe in his potential, in what he’s oh so close to being.
But that’s all you get. That's all you ever get.
So whether he either disappears on his own accord, or whether you let him go because you can’t do this anymore, as much as it seems like you’ve lost HIM, the reality is all you've really lost is the dream.
You’ve lost your idea of him, your plans for the two of you, your hope of everything the two of you could have dreamed and planned together.
It doesn’t help that he’s one of the most sensitive guys you’ve ever met, or that you could talk for hours about everything or nothing, or that you never felt such a strong connection with anyone like you did with him.
Of course it was all those things and more. Because this is a man who wants to be, who thinks he can be capable of loving a woman like you. A woman who feels, who cares, who isn’t afraid to show her emotions, who isn’t afraid to be who she is.
But something happens to him when he's actually got what he thinks he wants.
He finds out he can’t live up to his part of the relationship. He finds out he can’t do and be what he thought he could. So he creates space, he pulls away, he finds every reasonable excuse to draw from to make it impossible for him to be emotionally expressive to you, all in an effort to be as normal and capable of a relationship as possible.
Just wait til you’ve got the gift of hindsight working for you. Just wait til you see that this is his loss a thousand times over!
To have a woman with values, who knows her worth, who refuses to settle for anything less than a bonafide, real relationship. This is a woman who didn’t lose anything, and certainly NEVER a real man. You may not be able to see it when it’s happening, but look back and when you realize who you are and what you’re worth, you'll see him for exactly who he never was.
That’s right. Who he never was.
I’m not saying you have no right to feel what you’re feeling, or that your pain should in any way be lessened for what it is. It feels to love, it feels to love every part of his potential. It feels to go through everything you went through because of him.
But what I'm saying is when you're looking at the bigger picture in terms of the wasted time and energy and commitment on your part, don’t view this as yet another loss or some further indication that you’re damaged goods incapable of ever finding someone who’s going to be on the same page as you.
Yes, right now it feels like a loss, but in the big picture it’s you finding out the truth. It’s you finding out the obvious truth we can never see when our hearts are lost in the emotion of someone who gives us just enough to believe in what could be.
And we all know just how good are we are at that!
So what do you do with this? How does recognizing him being gone, him leaving, you walking away (read: him not being in your life anymore) as no real loss give you the strength to carry on, to move on, to get over him and not spend any more of your time and energy on this man?
It does this by giving you a choice. One that’s all yours.
You get to choose your perspective. You can choose the one that makes you believe you could have someone done something different to try to make him come around, or you can choose the one that accepts you only had a tiny piece of him to begin with no matter what you could have done. The one that says the epic loss you're feeling isn’t really epic at all.
The one that realizes while it feels epic, it’s only because it weaves itself deep into a story you’ve been carrying with you for far too long.
The perspective that makes you see there is no loss. There is no “I’ll never get it right”. There is no, “look what I’ve done”. There’s just the truth being revealed that you couldn’t see any other way. You bet it hurts. But underneath, you’re still gold. And now you're even better, because you can see the truth.
How about you, beautiful? Been here? Going through it now? You’re in good company. Share your story in the comments below. You’ll be heard. A heart or two’s been here before.
One of your very best posts Jane. It has healing power. I’ve read it several times but this morning it made me cry. I think that’s good. It’s a release, cathartic. When you get to a point where something resonates deeply that’s what happens. I wouldn’t say it was too much to describe this morning as my moment on the road to Damascus.... to accept the past as a learning experience not a mistake is sooo good....
Never a mistake, Cate. We get clearer and stronger and so much closer to where we want to be with every single step, especially the imperfect ones. They're gold!
I met a guy online and although we seemed to have a great connection, something went awry. we're both in the healthcare field so it's no mystery that he is pretty busy himself and I am a student one semester away from graduation. we used to talk so much in the beginning and when work got crazy or as he calls it, his communication with me would wane and waiver at his command. we were suppose to meet in person as proposed before, but before that time even come, he said bye because of all the work and life stress. its not that i couldnt deal with his work schedule, it was more of his communication. it was never official but it could have been if we did meet. I was getting really triggered and I blew up on the fact that his communication was not consistent and it scared me( i had an ex who used intentional silence before breaking up with me). its been a mere 8 months and i do now see how we both played a part. the loss was how much energy and effort i spent, and being emotionally invested.
Of course it scared you, Diane. And now you know so much more about what you need and how much that matters to you. Clarity out of our losses can be a beautiful thing, even with all the pain, if it brings us closer to what we desire - and deserve!
I was with an emotionally unavailable guy on and off for 4 years. I loved him and I loved what I thought we would have - if only he faced his fears.
In November I explained to him that I was fed up of feeling so undesired due to his commitment fears. We split up.
A few weeks later he text me to tell me that he realised what a good woman I was and that he wanted to try again and face his fears. I ignored his text.
After Xmas I got more messages, telling me how he can’t stop thinking about me and that he realises I’m the only woman he wants. He also said he would seek counselling.
We got back in contact. I was very cautious and after a few weeks I pointed out that I didn’t want to slip back into our old ways and that I hoped he would’ve sought some help, like he said he would. He said he would address it.
Three weeks later and he still hadn’t. He asked if he could come over and I declined. I said that whilst it was ultimately his responsibility to seek help and face his fears, I am responsible for harbouring them by allowing him to behave like nothings happened.
He said he understood and apologised. He said he was scared as he wanted to change the direction of his life but wanted me in it.
The next day he text to say he had his first counselling session that afternoon!
I was so impressed...
However, in the days that followed he became distant. He said he’d been diagnosed with suppressed emotions and he was scared about how this would therapy would unfold.
After one 45 minute session, he split up with me again! He states he doesn’t think he can give me what I want / deserve!
I know in time I will see this as a blessing.
However, right now it hurts and I’m so confused. He has spent the last six weeks winning me back and telling me how much he loves me. I can’t beleive that he’s finally found the strength to
Admit and face his fears via counselling and he’s pushed me away...after 45 minutes!!!
Don't take any of his actions to heart, Crystal. This is a man who has no idea what he's doing and it's going to take a lot more than one 45 minute session for him to grapple with all that he needs to figure out before he'll be ready and capable of any kind of a relationship with anyone!
I so get this ❤️NOW!!!
So glad, Cate!
Thank you Jane. And thank you everyone else too for sharing and supporting one another.
I have just come out of a relationship with a beautiful man who had, unconsciously become emotionally unavailable from his marriage. He is a kind man and showed much love to me, but little commitment (not consulting with me on mutual plans, future was hard to plan, he not communicating in difficult times and he listening to my needs when I kindly expressed them, but not responding authentically).
The two years we spent together I was dedicated and committed to our relationship and his two children. At the end of our relationship, I, with research, uncovered his commitment issues and presented them to him. He received them well, reading a book I also loaned him and then made a full admission that he had not been doing all the above things. That felt great and not so great too. He still doesn't want to be with me. I became very resentful and highly emotional toward the end of our relationship and he is holding on to that and states he doesn't want a relationship. I understand he has a lot of growth to undertake too.
I was willing to undertake the growth, dedicated and committed and together. I am ready for that in my life, however, he has chosen no.
Yes I'm sad but now I have some of my own growth (managing and acceptance of my emotions, temper control, trigger ifentification) to do before I am ready to undertake my next love.
Don't ever stop learning and loving xx
Just to note. He became emotionally unavailable from his marriage and then divorce.
Snap...thank god for Jane ❤️
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I was reading this article and even though many commented on it awhile ago, I just want to say how much I feel the same way as you do, Joanna and Nett. I went through the same thing, off and on. I suffered so much, but I learned so much. I see him now for who he is, an insecure little boy as a grown man. When you know who you are and what you want in a relationship, as beautiful Jane teaches us, it changes everything. Thank you so much, Jane, for your amazing articles and a big thank you to all of you, beautiful ladies whose comments help me so much, even now.
Hi Naomi,
I'm sorry but I had a bit of a giggle at the maybe in 6 months part, which passed and another, im not laughing at you at all, i just thought I was the only one still waiting around for a EUM, long distance! Mine has said this so many times in the last 4 1/2 years and has now said March 2018. You know what, im also seeing a therapist and she asked me if seriously deep down I think this will happen, with tears running down my face I finally admitted that I didn't believe it anymore. It is so heart wrenching to have your dreams shattered, but I can see a little more clearly now. I'm growing stronger and wanting to get to the stage of closing the door on him for ever. I'm not there yet, i have lots more work to do on myself, baby steps, im not answering all his calls, taking a lot longer to answer txt's Im trying to pull away and working towards letting go forever, Naomi I know its so very hard and easy to forget the crap they deal us when things are good, but I am honestly so fed up with being upset and crying over him.
Hugs to you
Ohhhhh Gabby! It sounds like we are in a very siniliar spot. We both love them still and can't do the immediate cut-off so we are slowly weaning ourselves off as we build our own strength. That's ok! At least I keep telling myself that and I'm telling you, too. Sending hugs back to you. <3
When I read others' stories I see so clearly that every beautiful woman contributing here deserves what she knows in her heart she wants and I see the disconnect in her belief that she's worthy of what she wants and that she's not asking too much-if it's the right person! I have a tougher time applying this to myself-I am in this same situation. Been dating a clearly emotionally unavailable man for over two years-80 miles between us-not as far as some but still long distance. In the beginning, I should have seen the signs and I'm disappointed in myself I didn't pay attention-The distance was hard for me from the get go as I was abandoned as a girl and so I asked for a date night once a week where we meet halfway in addition to our normal weekend time. He couldn't commit because of his work. I told him I loved him five months in and waited another five months before he said it back and that was only because I told him I couldn't stay in this if he didn't know that he loved me yet. A year in, I asked him to move in together-there was no excitement or enthusiasm from him-he said maybe in another six months. Well those six months have passed and so have another.
I know somewhere deep in my heart that I'm unsatisfied and deserve what I want which is a family. Yet this tiny part of me doesn't believe it so I'm going to counseling to build my self esteem so I can break free.
I want to be with someone who is equally as excited and invested in a future with me and my amazing son. This isn't working for me anymore and I am getting closer every day to be strong enough to say goodbye so I can say hello to what I'm worth.
I find such strength and comfort here from the stories and responses. I want to be the beautiful girl who knows her worth and doesn't let others treat her like she's undeserving of her dreams because she knows with every bit of her heart that she deserves so so so much more.
Reading everyone's stories and comments has made me want to reach out with my own story.
For the past 4 and half years I've been in a long distance relationship with what I now see is with an EUM.
We have known each other for 35 years, but have had marriages to other people in that time, we reconnected 4 years ago and it was like lightening!! The connection was so strong, at first it was all full on, however over time I've started to realise that I'm being strung along, he goes missing for days with no contact, telling me he has not had phone signal where he was working, yet I've seen him on social media, which he denys being on. My calls and txt's go unanswered till it's convient for him.
In this time I have not met his family or children, apparently he says they know there is someone in his life but not who, he tells me he is a very private person and doesn't discuss his life with anyone. He has been living in his own place for the last 18 months and Ive only just recently been there to stay! He said he felt his place wasn't good enough. He talks about our future and has made a few time frames for our LDR to be finished and us to be together, however there is always more time added to it. Now he has said March next year as he needs to get him self together to be with me and come in to our relationship with no baggage from the past ( he had a lot of financial debt with the ex). As I've been let down by him so many times, I just don't know if I can keep my life on hold continuously anymore, i made him a priority he made me an option. I try to back off, he steps it up with contact etc. we do see each other monthly, he tells his family he is going away for work or if I'm at his place he tells them he will be away!!! He says he doesn't want to be disturbed and spend all the time with me! I can never contact him when I need to, I can't rely on him for emotional support as I learnt recently, i was going through something, i talked to him about it, he said I'm here for you, then no contact for 2 days, he was tired from work and just fell asleep when he got home!! I'd call he said he didn't hear the phone, but then says I got a call to go into work!! I know I can see how wrong this all is, problem is I love him, but at what price do I have to pay in the hope it may happen!
Hi Gabby... I'm so sorry you are going through this... but it's been 4 1/2 years, it's more than enough time for him to know what he wants. And he's showing you what it is. He's doing what works for him. And he's only doing it because you allow him to.
I'm not saying that if you tell him that he'll change, they rarely do. So know this: you deserve better! So much better!
People only give what they have. This is what he's able to give you. Are you happy?
This is as good as it gets. Can you spend the rest of your life like this?
It's your decision.
Big hug.
Thank you Anna, No I'm not happy and I know I deserve so much more, but I don't know how to let go ......
This is exactly what I'm going through now ... what you just said are the feelings that I'm working through and to try to get to the other side . Then a relationship for eight years and I walked away not for anyone specific reason but for the reasons you stated I guess emotionally unavailable is what it exactly was . This happened last May but the turn is he started seeing someone and they were engaged in July and married this past weekend . Of course Ive asked all those questions why not me why her? I put in a decade ..what did she do different? And regardless of people telling me they know her good luck to him etc. my heart still hurts . I hear I've dodged a bullet so right now I am working through the motions to get to the point where I believe that . Thank you for your article reading more things like this will help me truly understand that I'm not alone in that journey ❤️
Laurie,
Remember he is the same person he was when you left him. He hasn't changed.
I know it hurts a lot.
Stay strong! You left the relationship for a reason, remember that.
Jane, I always enjoy reading your articles but this one was perfectly timed for me at the moment. Always feel like I’m receiving a nice, big hug from you.
I recently got dumped by a guy I was in a long-distance relationship with – he’s in the UK and I’m in Australia. We were only together for about four months, but he dumped me two months ago completely out of nowhere. Reading your articles, I know he is emotionally unavailable. He suffers from severe depression and has Asperger’s syndrome. He mentioned to me how whenever he told previous girls this, they would leave him and I said that I wouldn’t. He is quite a bit younger than me, but he fell in love with me very quickly (red flag).
I am currently at university and there were times very early on in our ‘relationship’ (he never called it that) where I would get emotional because of all the stress I was going through and he was somewhat supportive. I worry now that that might have contributed to the break-up in hindsight, as I know guys with Asperger’s get overwhelmed and can’t really handle emotion.
Anyway, long story short, things were seemingly going well – we had a chat over the last weekend together about spending more time together online and working towards making our relationship more of a priority as we’re both busy). Things seemed well. Then one morning out of nowhere he messaged me on WhatsApp and said we had to chat. He said that I’m a lovely person, but he didn’t think it was going to work between us. He said that distance was an issue – despite him knowing from the beginning I was in Australia and he thought he was okay with it.
He said that the problem wasn’t anything to do with me, but all with him – he just didn’t think he was ready for a relationship at the moment (despite wanting to be in one with me at the beginning in spite of my hesitation). Despite him mentioning we were in a relationship, he said when he ‘broke up’ with me that we weren’t breaking up as we were never in a relationship…what the heck would you call it then?! He said that he did love me romantically, but now loves me only as a friend and that’s how he sees me now…despite him not being able to say why this was the case that his feelings changed. He mentioned that he feels he has grown apart from me, but is unsure why. I don’t understand how someone’s feelings can change that quickly when I am not aware of having done anything wrong? He also said that I was affectionate, but not supportive – despite trying to offer to be there for him as much as possible in an online situation would allow. I don’t know what else I could have done.
He wants to be friends, but he blocked me on Facebook and Skype. When I asked why he blocked me on Facebook, he said he didn’t want to hurt me in cause I saw him in a relationship with someone in a few month’s time. However, if you want to remain friends why would you block someone? I even offered to give him another chance, but he didn’t think he could do that. Ihave been no contact with him for two months now and wondering if I should reach out to him? Jane, I know that you don’t usually encourage being friends with exes but I don’t know what to do. When I have spoken with my therapist, he has mentioned that it seems like this guy is a commitment-phobe.
I’m sorry about the long post, I am still finding it hard to get over him and just feel so hurt. I don’t know what to do and am looking for any advice that can be offered in this lovely, supportive group.
Hi Lisa...
Sorry you are hurt. We've all been there.
Sometimes stories end for no specific reason, for reasons we can't understand...
We get hurt, we question ourselves. What could I have done differently?
There's nothing you did wrong. You've given your best. And you will find someone who will see and appreciate that.
There are somethings in life we just have to accept, even though we don't understand.
I hope this helps. Jane and this community have given me support so many times, I hope I could give you some comfort too ❤️
I am still reeling from this happening to me. When we met, he was floundering professionally so I encouraged him to move to Missouri to be with some family and get a fresh start.
Surprisingly, we started growing closer despite a long-distance relationship and he'd send me cards and phone calls and texts and visits, professing his exclusive and undying live for me.
He was never hot and cold and always said he'd "marry me tomorrow."I even went to therapy to be sure this is what I wanted and finally let him convince me this was real love.
Within days of me saying it and him getting me to promise I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, he was back-pedaling about being free to roam the world for his career and then within weeks I find out he is in a serious relationship with another woman where he lives.
I am so heartbroken, and just keep retracing this article.
Don't get distracted by her, Lori. She's only an illusion and a distraction to him. He thinks she'll be the one to save him from whatever he's running from, but he's finding out that no one can. I can't tell you enough of how much better off you are without him, but I so get your hearbreak right now. Feel everything. It will get easier, I promise you! Start by recognizing his pattern here - he was all into you and your future together until you were all in. What does that say about him? If he can't handle that, what can he handle? You, yes you. Don't ever underestimate your power. You called his bluff!
Thank you!
And the hits keep coming... I just found out today he's already been living with this woman, bragging to his friends how he doesn't have to pay anything when he told me he couldn't come back without a good job because he couldn't "mooch off me" or I would resent him. He's also talking about retiring with her to Florida after he told me he couldn't afford to and didn't want to retire.
I feel so betrayed by his overnight 180 after all those years of professing his undying love ...
He sounds horrible, Lord. See that. Focus. You've been spared!
Thanks, Angel!
You never fail to amaze me! I don't know if it is some karmic energy in the universe or just pure luck, but every time I am going through a breakup, you send the perfect article which literally reflects my current situation! It actually brought a huge smile to my face yesterday. So, thank you for that!
My boyfriend, out of the blue, turned around and left me on Saturday after I'd moved half way across the world for him (and a job). It was a complete 180 from the month before where we had grown emotionally much stronger, supported each other, enjoyed talking/laughing/quizzes/everything - the long distance relationship didn't seem to matter or prevent us from growing closer - I could feel how much he cared - it was quite obvious to me and to all those around me.
But then, suddenly, it was as if panic had set in. I was there on his doorstep and decisions about "us" and our "future" were going to have to be made. He is an incredibly introverted and anxious person and trying to get him to talk about his concerns has always been hard - but I am guessing all those thoughts compounded into one when I arrived - and absolute fear kicked in. So he ran ... he told me he just didn't think he fancied me enough / didn't feel that passion ... and ran! It hurts like hell! And it is only because of the counselling and your workshop which I did in 2014, that I have been able to hold it together and really work at not believing that this is about me - as I really don't think this is. I just hope that the pain passes soon because honestly, it's like a 24 hour numbness at present infiltrated with hope that he'll realise what a mistake he's made...but hey, I also know I'll be alright in the end.
Aw, I'm so glad this came right when you needed it, Mountain Pixie. And hey, I also know you'll be alright - more than alright!-in the end! Numbness with hope is no way to live - and the only way we do ever live around someone like this. Remember that, ok?
This is true, I found out after two years of dating that he was not interested in commitment. This time around I thought that I picked the right one, more serious, more mature. So I decided that I had to be true to myself and ended it, and to my surprise, he did not come back, he did not come to his senses and told me that he too wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I don't know what hurts more, the fact that I miss him, or his indiference, which proves that he was never mine.
Oh Rosa, the last thing you need is an indifferent man! I know you miss him, but remember it's what he could be on a good day you miss, not the most of the time, real guy underneath who wasn't interested in a commitment after all - and waited 2 years to tell you! 2 years! You know you deserve better, and now you're free to be with better!
This article is so spot on. It was definitely a dream that I was mourning the loss of. The empty promises of marriage and a happy life together which he always seem to dangle in front of my face like a carrot. The constant closeness and then him pulling away was so extremely painful for me. I finally realized he is a man that can't love. All the wasted time and effort on this man and trying to analyze why he was treating me the way he did and hoping he'll change. He tried pulling that on me again after we broke up. This time I saw through him and the act. I felt amazing to say "enough is enough" . I finally valued myself and want a real relationship and not an illusion of one.
I'll bet it did, Nett. Enough is enough are powerful words when you're used to living for barely enough. You go, girl! 🙂 I can't wait to hear what's next for you!
Oh my goodness! My higher power is working in my life tonight. That's just what I needed to hear. I'm heartbroken. Just last evening I walked away from a man I care deeply about for the third or fourth time. For almost 3 years he would act as though he wanted a committed relationship, but within 2 weeks, he'd back off and change his mind. I care for him so much but each time I did have the strength to walk away. After a month or so of him chasing to get me back, I'd always go back to him thinking that he must care for me and miss me or he wouldn't be chasing me. So I'd go back to him. The 3rd time this happened I blocked him from all of my social media accounts, and phone and didn't speak with him for a year. He tried to contact me through mutual friends, but I stayed strong and refused to communicate with him. Close to a year later I was still pining for him and missed him so much. I unblocked him from my devices and eventually we started talking again. He seemed so different this time and very attentive and affectionate. It seemed as though he finally didn't take me for granted anymore. He seemed to respect me. Unfortunately that only lasted 2 weeks. He abruptly backed off and couldn't even commit to a lunch date. He said we should just be friends. This is the fourth time this has happened and I feel like such a fool. Such a fool. After this fourth and final time it is so clear to me that he and I will never be on the same page. I'm actually not a basket case today and have hopefully come to a place of acceptance. I'm almost too tired to hurt anymore. Can anyone relate?
Hi Joanna,
This has happened to me too. I was with a man for 2.5 years. He always used to tell me he wanted a committed relationship, marriage and children. He used to tell me all the time how I had all the qualities in a woman he wanted to marry. I met all his friends and family. We would be having a good period, where we would spend time together and get close. Then he'll pull away, not respond to text messages or phone calls and then come back a week or so later. I used to feel so hurt when that happened. Well, back in December he said that he needed space and needed to think about things. This came after we went on a romantic trip together. Well, he didn't call me to officially break up with me. So I tried my best to move on. Then in July, he magically appeared again saying how sorry he was and what a mistake it was breaking up with me and begged for a second chance. I was very cautious with him and went on three dates, which I thought was great. He would even text me after each date to tell me what a great time he had and was happy I was back in his life. Then my bday came, silence from him. Then he made it up to me and took me out for dinner (third date) again kept telling me he had a great time etc. Then again silence for another 1.5 weeks and he couldn't commit to any day to see me claiming he was "so busy with work". I finally had enough and told him it didn't seem like he was interested in getting back together. I blocked him from my phone and social media accounts. I finally realized he is never going to change and I can't keep doing this to myself. We deserve to have a man that is truly committed to us and wants to be with us without the "hot and cold" dance. Please stay strong and continue to put him on block. Trust me I know what how you feel, you're not alone.
Thank you Nett. The hot and cold is painful but at this point I no longer will waste my precious time. All the time I have wasted on him. And I tried so hard! It's nice to hear words of encouragement and support from women that have been through the same situation
Drop the fool part, Joanna. You learned! Sometimes it just takes us longer before it finally sinks in, but all that matters is that at some point, we do. So now you're free. Go feel that freedom. No more 2 weeks, a year, or whatever his timeline happens to be. This is where life begins on your own terms!
Thank you so much Jane!
Thank you so much Jane for putting into words what my heart has been feeling for 3 years short of 2 months. The first year was amazing with this man- he was a dream come true and then one night due to my refusal to be intimate , he changed into a cold stranger. He has begged repeatedly that I stay with him and not date other men but he offers me nothing physical not even a hand hold. I have been feeling so lonely for so long but after reading your post I realize that there is only one decision to make: Goodby .
Bye! And hello new empowered Shaun! 🙂 Glad I could help make it so clear. PS a hand hold is the bare minimum of what you deserve! Don't get me started!
Your amazing Jane. Thank you, you nailed what I needed to hear today.
"You can't lose what never was yours in the first place". Your gift is helping so many of us, the way you detail. It's all making sense.
I'm so glad, Jasmine. I've been here more than a time or two or three. 🙂
This was so timely, Jane, and it describes 100% accurately my "relationship" with an emotionally unavailable man. I use the quotation marks because in hindsight, I realize that the two years of the on-and-off roller-coaster was not a true relationship. (I ran into more than one EUM in life -- one of them being my own father -- but now I'm only referencing the painful experience I had with someone as a grown woman.)
I did mourn the end of whatever I had with him, because the chemistry was great, and in the good times we had what felt like an amazing connection. But he was unreliable, callous, indifferent, a terrible communicator punishing me with the silent treatment whenever I asked deeper questions, and also a liar. Always blaming others, never himself. Never taking accountability for his own actions. I suffered because I saw the red flags early on, but I chose to silence my doubts and give him the benefit of the doubt, again and again. I chose to empathize with someone who never possessed empathy (not just toward me, but in general, in how he treated all those around him).
I was feeling low today, because I found myself in a situation in which I had to stand up for myself (and I did), and that triggered memories of this man from my past. Your post today made all the difference, Jane, so a big thank you. I've been among your readers for a long time, and your program helped me heal. I rarely leave comments, but I always thank you silently for everything that you do and put out there for those who need it. Thank you.
The big aside is that today I am in a healthy, stable marriage, raising a daughter very differently than my parents raised me. I am a far stronger person than I once was. (And I am among those who once thought they could never live, breathe, and be happy without that "love-of-my-life" guy. False. I did heal, and I did move on. Slowly, too slowly perhaps, but I did.) I met my current husband before choosing to pursue what I thought I had with the EUM, and after that fiasco ended, I realized even more what a generous, emotionally healthy, compassionate, honest, and reliable man the person who now is my husband is. Someone who has known me for so long, and who has stood by me in the hardest of times. I never had quite the same chemistry with him that I had with this awful guy from my past, but everything else has always been in place. There is genuine love and tenderness in this marriage, and 'fights' are fought honestly. I feel heard and understood and respected, there is none of the awful confusion. We have each other's backs. We know we can count on each other even in the worst of times (we've had our share of difficulties, but in a good relationship, things are talked about quickly, and problems are solved, they don't linger). We love each other, but I now have a very different understand of how I define love. It's much more profound than whatever I had with that guy, who clearly left a mark on my heart and soul, and not a good one. But despite the occasional triggers, I moved on.
I continue to read every single post and comment on this website, because they are constant reminders of how manipulated I was in previous relationships (whether with my father, my brother, this guy, or other similar people). Thank you to everyone for sharing their experiences. Today, I live with self-respect. In the past, I was crumbling under the shame of trying to be some meek version of myself just to please these men, who in reality could never be pleased. One would be in their good graces, until they were no longer in their good graces. Until these guys needed to be counted on. Until someone held them accountable for their actions. Then they'd turn into raging narcissists, give the silent treatment, discard, and come back to bestow their great mercy on the victim of their emotional abuse, who, lost and confused, would end up apologizing for ever having questioned their actions/words/moral fiber. With my father, he was treating me so poorly, not talk to me for weeks (over some insignificant petty issue, typically because I would not adore and worship him the way he wanted to be idolized), but then *I* would be the one who'd have to grovel and ask for his forgiveness in order to patch things up. And my mother encouraged and perpetuated this cycle, always asking me to take "the higher road" (because "your father [brother/X, Y, Z] can't"). Add decades of this, and no wonder as a grown woman I fell for the same act.
I could go on and on, but what I wanted to say is: thank you, Jane. Thank you for your incredible insights, for always finding the right words, and for giving us a forum to heal from the traumas of the past.
Oh Cathy, I'm loving reading this comment from you! I'm so glad you've found someone real, who you never EVER again find yourself "crumbling under the shame of trying to be some meek version of myself just to please these men, who in reality could never be pleased". You read my former life, didn't you?! So inspiring to hear your story. Thank you for coming out to share. You have no idea how much it means to me - and the women you in turn inspire here with your own words!
Thank you, Jane!
I love your insight. We have much in common!
Thank you, Rebecca. We learn so much from one another. Until I found this forum, I thought I was the only one living with the burden. It made all the difference to understand the unhealthy patterns in toxic and abusive relationships. Best wishes to you!
"You see, you can’t lose a man who’s emotionally unavailable. He’s already gone. Because he was never really there in the first place."
Thank you, Jane, for reminding us of this again. It is the dream of a relationship that is over. The waking up hurts, but it doesn't have to hurt forever once we understand what happened. What happened is that we opened our hearts to men who could only open their hearts a little bit.
That has been my pattern, beginning with my relationship with my wounded parents. I am coming to understand that my ability to open my own heart has also been limited and that it does not have to be that way. I am coming to understand here that for most of my life, I did not know who I was or what I wanted. I was attracted to men much like me. They could only open their hearts a little bit. They likely had wounded parents, too.
When I was 17 years old, I thought that two hearts opened just a little bit was the most incredible thing that had ever happened to me, and it was!!!! My heart had never opened up that much before. I loved that man from a distance for 42 years.
In the years of yearning, my heart remained open that tiny bit but only in connection with him. It just wouldn't open that tiny bit for any length of time for anyone else.
When I was 66, I again had the experience of two hearts opening just a little bit, and that was what brought me here. I sensed almost immediately (progress!) that something wasn't quite right in that relationship. Instead of spending 42 years unable to let go, I was able to let go and wish the second man well a year later, knowing that the relationship had been mostly in my mind and that I had learned so much about myself as a result of that experience.
Here I am learning that there is much more to love than I had ever dreamed possible. I am not sure that I want a relationship at this time in my life but if that changes, I will know how to be myself in a relationship and to love in a way I could not before.
Thank you to everyone who commented already today. I learn so much from the experiences of other women.
You have such a beautiful heart, Ella. I will do everything I can by being here to remind you of exactly what you deserve to make sure you never waste it on anyone who could ever have the heart to treat you like you've been treated ever again!
Emotionally unavailable men are basically emotionally impotent - they are not capable of giving us what we need...
never invest more in a man than he is investing in you... never allow him to be your priority when he is only treating you like an option...
Exactly!
I have had a relationship with a man for three years we were engaged, we didn't live together and three times after being engaged he disappeared on me three separate times in the last year and always blowing up in anger leaving the house or hanging up on me but never called me back and never coming back. I have children and with each of these disappearing acts when he came back he promised to never do it again because you know how badly it hurt the kids because this is the only Dad they've known... he is very verbally abusive whenever he's gotten angry calls me names and cusses me out and I found out he was using steroids for bodybuilding and he promised he would never go back to using steroids when we got back together last time because it affects his his rage it makes it worse. It's been nine weeks since I have heard from him and My heart is broken! I have tried to contact him many many times for the last nine weeks and always loving on my text messages on my part voicemails but he's never return my call. It was never an official break up he just disappeared. I just am asking do I need to tell him how about the my heart is hurting? Do I need to tell him that he promised he would ever do this again? I feel like I gave him my all - massaging him cooking for him cleaning his house all the wonderful talks we had.I've never ever uttered a single cuss word to him even when he was the meanest to me and it's so painful to be ignored and rejected I just wonder is there anything I can do?
You are with an abuser. Please seek help to detach from this person. Your children's well-being and your own are at stake. You may not be able to sort this out on your own, you need support from true friends or family members you can rely on. If possible, please consult a therapist to regain your sense of self-worth, to identify any needs that have gone unmet within yourself and to get your power back. Much love and good luck to you.
So true, Angel. I wish I could give Rebecca a big hug. Long time ago, I was in a relationship with a similar abuser (minus the cussing words), and I experienced the devastating pain that comes from someone who does the disappearing act, only to return after loving messages and calls, promise this won't happen again, then disappear again, until I gave up on him. So I understand. It's toxic and damaging, and yes, Rebecca needs to detach.
I am still haunted by memories, every once in a while, but it's thankfully in the past.
hi Jane when you say leave a comment or share a story you never seem to amaze me as to where and how does she know and feel what im going through , you hit the nail on the head every time and it gets even better.. just when i think ok!!! what else can you say that touches the heart you come up with information about this in more detail.. and its head on ... thank you Jane... for toughing the very core of what is going on in my life i myself couldn't have expressed it in such detail... im feeling all of it but to actually put it as precisely ... on point as you do... gosh you have a gift ...thank you so much and keep it coming im alsways looking for more and more .. words to heal my heart my thoughts.. my actions my core thank you
Because you call me, Lynn. I never know who until you tell me, but someone alwasy does. Thank you for believing, for having the courage to be open when so many would stay closed, especially with all the things you've been through. Don't ever doubt the power of your thoughts, your words, your requests. These are all reminders of just how powerful you are. Don't ever doubt that! Wherever your answers come from, it doesn't matter the where, it only shows you as a reminder that they do - and that you, yes, you, are the one who calls in exactly what you need to remind you of your beautiful power. It never leaves you!
My fiancée just broke up with me two months before the wedding. We were dating for two years with a few breaks in between. We had a strong physical connection but not emotional. I felt like there was always something missing and that our relationship was always very superficial. He was often distant and was always running away after we would spend couple of days together. I knew it would be too painful to brake up with him so I tried dating other people and tried to push him away and that's when he started to chase me and was giving me the world just to be with him. He asked me to marry him because he did not want to loose me. Of course I accepted! I thought this man has changed so much, I was the happiest woman in the world! He was so excited too. Well, the excitement quickly wore off and he started pulling away again and instead of us spending more time together we spent less, talked less, he would text one line a day. Until one day we had a minor argument over text after which he hasn't called for a week. I finally confronted him and asked what he was telling me with the silence. By my request we met that day and he told me he did not want to be together because we do net get along and he wants to be alone. He mentioned few instances which I thought were minor and definitely not the reason to brake up. I was devastated to believe that we would have future together. Heartbroken.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Mariana . I know that what I'm about to say is probably the last thing you want to hear, but you have dodged an enormous bullet. He did you a favor. Marrying someone like this would have been a terrible mistake. When you feel a bit better, ask yourself why you were willing to make a marriage out of a simple "physical connection", a superficial non-emotional connection. Your answers lie within you. Examine that when you're ready.
Oh, what a coward. I am so sorry you've been through this, Mariana. Angel is right, I agree with her. It would have been terrible to marry this individual. I realize how badly it hurt, but you really did dodge a bullet, like she says. A divorce from this guy would have been so much more painful than any hurt he already put you through.
I will give you another perspective, which may or may not be relevant to you. A friend of mine went through a very similar relationship to what you describe (and to what I also experienced). After a while, because he was not committing, she broke up with him. It was at that point that he started pursuing her relentlessly until she gave in (she still loved him). She thought that maybe he really did love her, and agreed to get back together. Within a week or two, he was pulling away again, so my friend unexpectedly dropped by his house one evening. He did not initially respond, but when he opened the door, he gave her some lame excuses, only for another woman to pop her head out from his bedroom. It became obvious that he only had wanted to get back together with my friend so that he had the opportunity to have the upper hand in breaking up with her. She was crushed at the time, absolutely devastated. But there is a happy ending, she ended up meeting her current husband and she is in a much happier place now.
I experienced similar things. The guy I was seeing would come back to me, just so he could later start to demolish all my objections to him in the past, and prove to me how wrong I was to complain in the first place. His ego was so fragile, he needed to constantly have the last word in.
This may or may not apply to your relationship. It took me two years of being with him on and off, and much more time after the end of the relationship, to finally understand the level of gaslighting and blame shifting coming from these people. In my case, I was clearly dealing with someone with strong narcissistic tendencies. (There's an entire forum on Quora.com discussing these personality types, and their dating patterns. Perhaps it's not relevant to your case.)
Please have hope knowing that as much as it hurts, it really was for the better that your relationship with this guy didn't last. For someone to disappear like that for a week over an argument over text is a very bad sign. I was the victim of the silent treatment, too, which I find it to be a very cowardly way to deal with conflict. The silent treatment is a horrible method of emotional abuse, because it gives the receiver no chance to work through any issues, and it makes you doubt your sanity and your thoughts. If this is how he acted now, imagine only how he would have reacted to the slightest conflict in a marriage, or when you'd both be sleep deprived after having a child. You don't want that kind of husband.
When I would feel low in the past, I'd read the comments from other women here. Understanding that I was not alone took the sting away from my experience, though not necessarily the pain. With time (a very long time), the pain faded, too. It may sound impossible to believe now, but I know that you, too, will feel better, and stronger, living your authentic life.
Hi Mariana, it hurts but you will see in the future that it was for the best. He sounds like someone with A LOT of emotional issues.
Think about it, could you live the rest of your life like that?
Probably not.. and you shouldn't!
Oh Mariana, I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I know how hard it is to be objective and see the truth for what it is when your heart is so freshly breaking, but I hope you will take the words and support from everyone here to show you that yes, this is the bullet you dogdged, the life you saved yourself from. Not yet, but some day soon, I promised you, you will. Don't ever doubt that. Love could never ever be so cruel to slam a door to your heart as painfully as this, and not give you something and someone so beautiful in its place. You deserved so much more than what you went through. Don't you dare let his grievances sit for even one more moment on you!
That is so very sad and must be devastating to go through, at least you know you got out before the marriage and divorse? You will meet someone amazing and fun, talk about a downbuzz time for some fun, and no more bring me down! Love ?
Im 49 years old and I seem to be attracting men who are not completely availability or have commitment issues. Im currently in a relationship for 6 months and is going downhill again. He started as sweet and wanting to see me and spend time with me. Past 2 months im doing all the effort and scheduling just to see him.. We barely talk we just text. Im exhausted if chasing him. I know what i have to do but why is it so hard to just walk away and move on. I thought he was the one for me.Help...
Don't text, Marina. When we settle for texting, it's all going downhill. He wasn't the one. Sounds like you've got downhill covered. Now you're ready for uphill! I'm comign along with you!
I'm so grateful to have come across this page.
I never understood when a man is emotionally unattached. Until now.
My ex has done everything in his power to communicate with me. I did everything possible to block him because I was done with his games. He still managed to connect through email. Now I'm in an amazing place in my life where I finally love myself.
Him and I just had a great telephone conversation where I asked him....why do you act weird when you see me? His response was.... I don't know. Then he's wanting to fly me to see him. I suggest he come to me. He hasn't responded. That was 3days ago..... because I'm in a good place it's kinda funny. In the past it would make me crazy.
So thank you for helping me understand emotionally unavailable. If I do speak to him again I'll let him know. ❤️
Yes great advice worth more than a dumb text, come see me if you got something important to say!!!
This is so timely for me, Jane. We were only together for 6 or 7 weeks but it was amazing, and he did seem to be really there - I didn't see it coming when he broke up with me last weekend, even though I've got really good at spotting red flags now. It feels like such a huge loss and the sadness and heaviness just runs right through me. It has also shaken my sense of my own judgement. He said he's just not ready for a relationship, but his actions and words in the beginning suggested he really was. I now mourn the loss of the amazing time we had together - it did seem real, it was real to me, and I believe to him at the time too... It's so hard, I don't want to keep going through this 🙁 I really thought I had found something real this time.
I know the feeling... been there recently too. We feel it's true, he makes us believe that. And then.. pff, he disappeared, just like that...
Sorry you have to go through that, you are not alone.
It's hard because I know the connection was true. We both felt a heart connection, not just physical chemistry. He described it as very intense, that he'd never felt that before. It's just that a lasting relationship didn't follow, simple because he's not ready. This is why it's so hard, because it was a real and true connection, but the relationship part couldn't endure at this point. He says he needs time. I've gone no contact. I've done all the right things; I can see that there's no loss of real enduring relationship, yet it hurts like hell because our connection is lost. I miss him.
Good you know you've done the right things... I always suffer thinking I could've done something different!
Call less, send less messages, wait for him to chase me, beacuse women can't chase men... I always think I showed too much affection too soon.. It eats me up inside.
He'd never felt this before exactly so why does he leave when the connection is great! this close bond makes me want to stay❣ Men are a pain, just lighten up and let's have some fun ?
He'd never felt this before exactly so why does he leave when the connection is great! this close bond makes me want to stay❣ Men are a pain, just lighten up and let's have some fun ? whoops comment for clairey
He wasn't real, Clairey, but not because of you. It's really easy to be amazing for 6 or 7 weeks, but that's not what you're lookign for. We're going for real, long term, all that good stuff you deserve with your beautiful heart and soul. Let yourself feel but don't stay here. So much better to be wrong about someone after 6 or 7 weeks, than after any more weeks, months or even years. Next!
Like ?❤ now just have to out it into practice and not go back! He left me on new years eve again - took me out for dinner, I said I noticed all night at restaurant he barely looked at me..caused him to spin out ditch me before our 2 week holiday including my daughter's wedding, talk about gut renching!!! WHY??? Been together on off for nearly 2 years ? he makes me very sad.
This letter describes my "relationship" to a T, I feel so devastated. I know he was as crazy about me as I was him, Yet always had that feeling he had one eye waiting on Miss Perfect to come along.. all his life.
I am so sad and heart broken. But you're right.. it's not over what was... but what in my mind could have been, This was my first and hopefully lady experience with an unavailable man. Every time we got close after an amazing few days he'd pull away and I wouldn't hear from him for couple days and then he'd act aloof. He did meet my family a few times but what stood out to me was he'd never make plans for the future... not even the weekend ahead. He'd never get completely open yet would never totally let me go.
Same with me, the what if...... Same story to the T
Exactly, Lugo. It's what you in your heart already know.
Spot on truth.
Glad it resonated with you, Lorraine.
It's interesting. I've never truly felt loss when it comes to the men in my past. Or maybe I just understood it like an emptiness, but it came from me trying so hard to be perfect or agreeable, not because they ever filled anything in me. I've never had anyone so that's why "loss" is not really a word that comes to mind for me. Maybe losing hope, but not a "him".
I'm glad I never had any of those hims. They weren't what I made them out to be in my mind. I was young, naive, insecure as hell, clueless. I'm still insecure, but I've become better at seeing my insecurities and just letting them be.
I've been wondering lately what being in love is. I look back and I'm not sure I was in love even though back then I thought it was. I just figure... How could I have been in love if all those experiences were unrequited? It doesn't make sense to me. I think I don't know what being in love is. I have no idea what a relationship is, no idea what love is, at least in the romantic sense.
Lately I've been dreaming of some of the men from my past, the first ones. Out of the blue they showed up in my dreams and I think it might have been my mind working out closure. Somehow I wasn't angry at them anymore. Just... Surprised to see them and overall ok. It may mean I've probably began letting go if I don't feel anger anymore.
Sounds like it, Angel. You'll know.