Gorgeous Alison writes to us about her long term relationship with a man who can't seem to give her the commitment she wants. She wants the whole package, including the wedding.
Her story:
Hi Jane
I am 51, 52 in January and I have been with my partner/boyfriend for 4 years. I was married for 5 years, before that my husband and I dated for 6 years before we tied the knot.
He mentally abused me and cheated on me with a much younger woman, which left me extremely insecure in every relationship since then. I have little or no self-esteem and since my divorce 20 years, I have been insecure and have had many failed relationships.
My partner who I am with now isn't the type of man you tell you that you look gorgeous, etc., unless I ask - he will say you look nice or lovely, hardly a big effort to make me feel good, so I never feel good enough for anyone, and being older than him I constantly feel he will leave me for a younger woman and I'm always watching who he is watching or talking to. I think are they better looking than me & always think yes they are. I am paranoid about who he is texting or messaging on WhatsApp or Facebook.
His ex-fiance was 10 years his junior.
He is 47 and has never been married. He has had many girlfriends, but only 1 was long term - for 7 years. He was engaged to her but according to him this was just a commitment thing but he was never going to get married and doesn't even believe in marriage.
I don't actually know why they split up but my guess is the same reason why I get frustrated - I feel he has "commitment issues". I have battled most of the 4 years with him regarding this. He always turns it around that the problem is my insecurities!
I did give him a few ultimatums - 1st one a few years back, saying I couldn't do it anymore, living in my house and staying in his 1 night a week and on weekends. He then upped it to me staying weekends and 1 night a week, which went up to 2 nights a week and weekends.
This was fine for a while but it became an issue for me again because I felt, well, if you love me you should want me full time living together. This created resentment on my part and I was miserable.
Eventually, he let me move in. This was good for a few months but we had problems, which again, it was his house and I felt he was still living and feeling like he was still a bachelor in "his" house so he'd say "my" all the time instead of "ours, us" - this upset me. We ended up almost splitting up over this. He told me that I need to move out.
I thought it was over, but he then said we just can't live together.
I told him that I didn't think it could work like this, not for me running from one house to another every week. To cut a long story short, we went back to weekends only, as he put it we need to try and salvage what we have this way, his way or we go our separate ways.
I agreed to try it.
It was so so hard, I cried all the time. I felt rejected in some ways. Why can this man not give me a proper commitment then I wouldn't feel so insecure and not resent him all the time. I eventually started staying 4 days a week, then 5, then last in January, we had a huge fight, I said that I was leaving - this time that was it, I can't go on like this.
I left even though he didn't want me to but said I don't know what to say, I can't tell you yes move in again permanently because it didn't work last time, how can it work this time.
It broke my heart. I went home to my house where my 24-year-old daughter lives and left him to it. We did text and I did kind of talk to him saying things to make him think we should still be together - planted a few seeds in his head to be honest because I was so upset and probably desperate due to my age.
About 5 days later he texted me one night saying "I miss you". We got talking he said we will work it out. I moved in permanently. It has not been easy - we have almost split again but we are still working at it - but to be honest, most of it is always on his terms. He still doesn't want to ever get married and it breaks my heart.
I often think, well, if I leave again I may never meet anyone who wants to get married and commit, so think better the devil you know, he does love you.
I go along for weeks and months on end, then I get annoyed again and long for the proper commitment. Living in his house is also a problem still, as it is his, not ours. I am not in a position to sell mine as my daughter lives in it still.
We have talked about houses but as he says I am in no position to buy one with him and to be honest I don't think he really wants to anyway.
I think he always has in the back of his head this might not work out. He told me about 2 months ago he wasn't in love with me anymore because we have been up and down, then a month after that we were out one night and he said I am, I just see red when we are not getting on. He says we are okay for 3 or 4 weeks then something triggers it and we are back to square one.
I know I put up with things because I love him so much and I do know at times my insecurities make problems, but I do know in my heart it is not all my fault. We have been good now for a number of weeks and have booked a 2 week holiday, I just hope we get on.
I tend to shout my mouth off if I have had a drink - it gives me Dutch courage when I am speaking with people who ask "are you two married". I end up telling them everything and saying "Oh no he won't marry me" or "Oh no he doesn't believe in marriage".
He hates this and we end up falling out because I am discussing my life with a stranger or even people we know. I just want someone to tell me what is right or what is wrong, or will he change?!
We have both been through problems, he was diagnosed with Lymphoma this time last year but he is now in remission, thank God. His dad died 4 years ago - a month after we got together - so I never got meet his Dad. I was to meet him the day his dad died.
I lost my mum when I was 20, then my step mum died very young in January this year. My own dad is now grieving and being tested for Dementia.
From day one we have had hurdles which haven't helped us. My partners ex of 7 years died also 2 years ago at 37, though they had been split up for over 10 years I think. I feel I am still comparing myself to her though. She was young and gorgeous!
I want commitment and marriage with someone who will probably never give me that. I guess I keep hoping somewhere along the lines he will change his mind. At the same time I have always in the back of my mind, maybe it is because he doesn't love me enough - or is this just him? He has always maintained he doesn't need a marriage certificate to love someone!!
His mum and dad had a good marriage so that isn't a reason. Goodness knows what makes these men think how they do.
I would be interested in what anyone has to say to also advise me on how we women turn men like this around. We can't help who we love and it is so hard to let go. What you are letting go of might be better having than what you might end up not having if you know what I mean.
There is so much I could tell you about my relationship, but I think I have covered most of my concerns. He is and can be a gentle loving man, but he does blow hot & cold at times. PS - he also said he is not the same person he was before he lost his dad!
Hope to hear some comments from you or anyone who wants to help.
-Alison xx
My Response:
He can’t be the man you want him to be, Alison, because he isn’t capable of being that man. You’re looking for him to give you something he doesn’t have in him to give.
And it’s not because you’re not worthy, it’s not because you don’t deserve every part of that commitment you desire.
It's because he’s 47 and has never been married, and out of his many girlfriends, only 1 was long term for 7 years. It’s because he tells you he was never going to get married and doesn't even believe in marriage.
But don't you dare go blaming yourself for his views and his relationship history! This is so clearly about him, not you.
It’s not because there’s something so wrong with you. It’s not because some guy who didn’t know how to stand up and be a man cheated on you with a woman who could never ever come close to being you.
Let go of that story. Stop comparing yourself to her and tying your worth to how good looking she was.
In real love, young and gorgeous is only a very small part of the story! Someone who truly loves you for you, loves you for you. I can’t stress that enough.
If I was with someone who didn’t truly love me for me, I would feel horrible about myself every single waking hour of every single day! Because you can’t be with someone who doesn’t get you, who doesn’t want to get you, who wants you to be someone else and is mad that you’re not, who’s only with you because he guiltily feels like he has to.
You can’t live that way. No one can live that way. But we’ll try. Especially those of us with something huge to prove.
Like our worth.
We’ll go to great lengths to convince ourselves we can but we’re only fooling and hurting ourselves in the process. The way he’s treating you isn’t because of you, it’s because of how you feel about yourself.
The fact that you’re deferring to this guy for the terms of your relationship is because you don’t believe deep down you have a right to your own. That’s why the resentment builds until it comes out in the form of a tirade directed at him that he can then turn around and blame you for.
And then of course you feel bad and can’t dispute what he’s saying, because after all, you didn’t hold it together.
Of course you couldn’t! Not when you’re giving away all your power to him every single day you’re with him. That’s a huge price you’re paying, Alison.
You provide a place for him, Alison. A place for him to project. A place for him to blame. A place for him to escape. A place for him to absolve himself of taking responsibility for his own actions so he doesn’t have to look deeper into his own soul to see what he’s missing for himself.
As long as you provide that place for him, Alison, he’s going to keep coming back. He'll keep giving you just enough to keep you hoping, believing if you just do this or just do that. Sure his dad’s death may have changed him. But what does that translate to in terms of your relationship? What does that actually look like? Words will always be just words. It’s actions you want.
But mostly what I want you to answer for yourself is this - just how important is marriage to you, and could you live - and love - without it? He's telling you he doesn't need a marriage certificate to love someone, but if you need that official paper before you'll feel loved, then that's something you need to understand. You have to look at what you have with this man and decide if you still want it, even if he never changes his mind.
I have a feeling you’re going to hear some other messages loud and clear on here, from some other women who understand exactly what you’re going through more than they’d like to.
Take it all in. Sit with it. Then listen to your own heart.
Life is those hurdles you’re talking about here. You’re getting a firsthand look at how you’re going to handle those hurtles together. And if he can’t do them, if the two of you can’t do them together now when things are still shiny and new, how confident can you be that things are going to improve?
You can’t have the kind and gentle part without the running hot and cold part of him. You can’t have the parts you love about him without the parts that make you feel awful with him!
You’ll get along if both of you choose to get along. You AND him. If you both choose to look within yourselves and not simply blame each other. A relationship for all its triggers is about both of you – and your triggers come from each other.
We all have our baggage. We all have our blind spots, and we all have our triggers. It's what makes us human.
You’re absolutely right. We can’t help who we love and it can be the hardest thing we ever do to let go, but when we reframe our definition of love with one that’s actually loving, when we’re courageous enough to look at why we choose who we do, and more importantly, why we accept what we do, we can absolutely help that.
There’s a reason we love who we do. Find that reason, Alison, and you’ll have your answer as clear as day.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
So what do you think beautiful Alison should do here? I know so many of you can relate to this - let her know your thoughts down below in the comments!
Alison,
I relate to this so much because I lived it. And thankfully I escaped it.
Jane is spot on, I was desperately trying to prove my worth and this kept me hooked in for far too long. I looked to this man (that I loved wholeheartedly) for validation. It was a living nightmare.
It is important to note that I was in a "commited" relationship with him and we lived together for a couple of years after already dating for a year. And yes he also had a gentle tender loving side. He was my best friend. I did not want to walk away and I fought with every fibre of my being to hold it all together. The reason I am stating all this is to emphasise that I was fully invested and I truly get it. The loss, the heartbreak. But the grief was never as painful as the experience of drowning in insecurity or the terror of questioning my own sanity. Being in this relationship almost destroyed me.
I finally got my freedom when I took back my power and realised that my worth is not in his hands. I had significant support at this time from a very dear female friend and I was also in psychotherapy. I urge you to surround yourself with some loving support of your own.
I always enjoy reading these blog posts and there have been times when I felt compelled to comment but never did. Today is my first time leaving a comment because I want you to know Alison that I heard you, that you are understood. And that you are not alone in this struggle.
Wish you well... ?
I'm so glad you did, K!
I was in a relationship for 5 1/2 years with this guy my age group just 3 yrs older than me. I know that he loved me but, he wants me to be his maid. I understand that 2 hands are better than one but that dobesnt meant that I should be your slave/maid. Within those 5 yrs I went thru heartbreaking situations with him. Never had problems like him having other women. I have four kids who are not his they are 27, 21 and twin 11yrs. We were all leaving together. This man use to treat me like I am his child, yelling at me for petty things. Telling me I cared only about myself and family. He says dirty stuff to me like 'your kids will beat you' my children are so loving and protective of me, and will get upsets at the way he will speak to me.
He is very aggressive. I have spoken with him about the way he speak to us at home it's not acceptable because we all fells very little and he need to learn how to speak to people. Is not what you say is the way you said it.
He would say bad things about my mother and my kids and quarreling for no reason. I would go to the laundry, clean, cook with the help of my kids. When he gets home he would expect me to put food on the table for him sometime I do but sometimes I'm busy and he would get very upset and will start a big quarrel. I would not say a work because I am that person who do not like problems.
The relationship was taking a toll on my life. I could not sleep at night, suffering with severe stress, neck and back pain.
Last August I decided to to broke up the relationship, he cried like a baby but I still left the room for him and went in my kids room, thinking he would leave the apartment, but never did. He was heart broken, cried and cried, lose so much weight. I felt very well after I moved out of the room all pains I was suffering with went away. In late June of this year he met me out and came up to me crying he wanted to make back , my heart broke and I decided to give him a chance again.
It was a month yet he started doing the same thing quarreling for things that don't make sense, talking about my kids saying all I cared about is myself and my family. I do everyone a woman do I a home.
He paid the rent I paid the bills and put food on the table. He hardly give me money which I'm not concern about when he do he will give 300 or 200. Wo both work he get home way earlier before me and if cook he will call me say that he cooked.
Any little problem we will have he will reproached me of anything he have done for me. I don't do this to him.
His words are very insultive and distracting. My older daughter left the house because I make back with him. The 21 yr old would not speak with him because of his aggressiveness and insultiveness. The 2 younger ones speak to him but they don't like him.
I do not want to hurt him because I know that he really loved me but don't know why he would act the way he's doing. He will be angry and say so many things and 1 min he's like nothing happen and want to be nice.
My kids told me that they don't feel comfortable with him. Life is hard on me having no one to help. I have 3 of my kids in school with the older one in college paying from my pocket. I only do child care, I'm a none citizen but he is by neutralization. He is a nice person at time but sometimes he's a bitch .
i would like you advise if this situation whether I should get out of this.
Walk away your children and your life comes first, this man is very dangerous, he will crush you and leave you with no self esteem, you deserve more than this.
if you can`t do i t for yourself please do it for your kids.
I am 53 my now ex boyfriend is 51. We had both been married and divorced and we both have adult children. For 3 years I had lived almost the exact way you described Allison. Always doing what he wanted, spending a great deal of time with his huge family 4 brothers their wives and kids, his dad who passed away 1.5 yrs into our relationship. He even moved across the country for a year to take a new job. He is a paramedic and had the chance to train as a flight paramedic in Idaho, we live in New Jersey and you cannot get a flight paramedic job in NJ without prior flight experience. I was devastated, but supportive. We made it through that year (it was our second year) he came back things were back to “normal”. He didn’t even tell me he loved me until after he returned from Idaho and that was at the end of our second yr together. I found out he’d been texting ex girlfriends saying he missed them and was miserable in his relationship with me. We broke up he begged me to come back and I did. I have adult children and a mom with dementia that is my only family so when we broke up I felt I not only lost him, but his family too and they were always wonderful to me. Second time I received a message was from a local woman she was very nasty told me he’d been cheating on me with her for months and I should let him go bc he wanted to be with her. Imagine my surprise as I read this knowing we had a trip to Italy planned in two weeks. I confronted him he admitted it said she meant nothing to him. We went to Italy I was miserable when we got back he broke up with me said he didn’t know what he wanted. 5 days later he asked me to meet him at a park to talk I agreed I asked him what he wanted long term he told me everything I wanted to hear that he wanted to marry me live with me my kids that were still home and be a family again I fell for it. August of this year he broke up with me out of the blue I never saw it coming. He said he only said he’d marry me and we’d be a family bc he knew that’s what I wanted to hear. I was devastated it has been exactly 4 weeks today that that happened and I am still a mess. I’m lonely and sad I’ve lost too much weight. I’ve always been active and a runnner, but the week after he ended it I injured myself working out and had emergent spinal surgery. I cannot work out for another 4-6 weeks I cannot return to work as an ER nurse for another 4-6 weeks. I am in school online for my masters so that’s filling up some of my time. I also started seeing a therapist 2 weeks ago. I joined an online dating site and forced myself out on two dates none of which went anywhere. My friends all tell me I’m smart beautiful and deserve so much better but it doesn’t help unless I believe that too. My friends are great but they all work have spouses and kids and their lives are busy. I have had no contact with him. He knows I had surgery one of his sister in laws told him and still he didn’t even care to see if I was okay. This morning I woke up and almost texted him, but stopped myself. I’m trying to see that I was just as unhappy and insecure in the relationship as I am now and things will improve with time, it’s so hard and I miss his company and family, but I know I can’t go back as much as I wanted it to work he didn’t. I put 150% into the relationship he put maybe 25% in if that. I still cry everyday and that’s okay eventually I won’t.... I just have to give it time and realize I am okay I’m worthy and deserving of so much more it’s easy to type that but many times hard to believe.
I wish you all the happiness and love that you truly deserve
Donna
Hi Alison,
As always Jane gives wonderful advice.
I so understand what is like having been in an on and off relationship for many years
But I think back to when my husband and I were having difficulties. I wrote down the 3 most important things I wanted in marriage, and none of them were present anymore in my marriage. I started feeling like I was in a relationship but having to do all the work of maintaining the relationship for 2 people.
When my husband left me I was sad but in a way relieved because being in a situation where the other person is not making a full effort is demoralizing and depressing.
Sometimes we need to work up to leaving a bad situation or a bad job
We need to be reminded why the current situation does not work
write a list
you want commitment - not getting it
you want to live with someone each day - not getting it
you want someone you can count on- not getting it
you want love- not getting it
From the outside looking in this guy is a liar, He does not love you
The things he does and says are not the words or actions of someone who loves you
The crap about he is not the same since his father died - is his get out of jail excuse that he will use for the rest of his life to explain any time you call him on assinine relationship behaviour. It will be why he cant share a house with you,
I may be overstepping here but I am willing to bet even in intimate moments it is on his terms. I can't imagine that this is the type of man you could give a warm bear hug to and say let's slip away.
Lastly don't confuse enjoying companionship with missing him specifically. He is a person to talk to . Sometimes we miss company and the presence of another human being. It does not mean we miss the ex.
Recapture your life. Gradually start reducing the amount of time you spend with him. Pick up an activity a book club a cooking class a yoga class, A hiking club. Something where your time is not only revolving around him. When you spend fun time with other people the hilight of your week will not be time spent with someone who does not respect or value you.
One weekend go away. Tell him you are going but maybe 3-4 days before . You don't need his permission nor to consult with him. to coordinate plans. That's what people in committed relationships do. He's not your husband . Spending weekends together with him is neither love nor committment. Start weaning yourself off of time spent with him breaking up will be slightly less painful.
He is selfish. If a pie has 10 slices he is only giving you crumbs not even a slice.
big hugs start loving your self
Alia
best advice ever Alia....i love everything that you have said here.
This is my story!!!! Except for a few minor exceptions. I'm 51 he's 48 an we been together 5 going on 6 years. I love him so much, want to marry him but I feel like Alison like I'm trying to compete for his attention like he's interested in young girls an I have to keep myself a certain type of way to keep his attention. I'm so fearful of him leaving me for a young chick which he seem to be obsessed with on social media. I don't know I'm like her in love and just want things to work! It would break my heart if we broke up but I'm hurting anyway! I don't know what to do any more! I can't give advice because I'm in the same boat!
Oh Alison, you could be telling my story here!! Honestly, I've been there with a guy for almost 4 years. On and off, splitting up, then it's like he snaps his fingers and says "I miss you, I miss what we had" and I melt, all over again, saying to myself "Aww he wasn't that bad and I do love him" But it was always on his terms until I lost myself again and again and again! And do you know what? I couldn't do the again, again! Thank God for wonderful women like Jane and the women who are so honest on here, like myself, who help us see our own truth, eventually. Because just like you I tried and tried to be prettier, sexier, better than perfect for him to really see me...and he didn't, he couldn't, he wasn't capable of seeing the real me, the wonderful, beautiful me that Jane tells us we are, because we are! Beautiful just as we are.
It's taken so so long for me to come to understand and believe how worthy I am, for a guy who wants the same as me. I want to get married, I'm 46 now and have never experienced being married. Not for the wedding, but for the whole commitment of being with one guy for the rest of our lives, hopefully. But more importantly, the guy ALREADY knows what he wants and doesn't want. That is possible. Ok I haven't found that yet but my heart is open and I do have hope of finding the kind of love Jane and other women have found.
You're not too old to find a wonderful guy and neither am I, but I'd suggest what Jane suggests to us, get to know you, really get to know you. What do YOU like doing? Don't know? Create some things for yourself to start with. My thought pattern was always, "what does HE like, what can I do to make HIM happy, how can I change myself into the perfect woman, for HIM"
I finally got out of that situation with him (because it certainly wasn't a relationship!) just over 3 years ago now and I'm proud of myself for finally getting clear with myself about what I enjoy, where I like to go, what I definitely don't need and don't want in all this time, alone, with myself. I live alone and do you know what? I'm quite content with myself as I am. I enjoy my own company! ☺ I don't have those feelings of insecurity and jealousy anymore because the problem was always him and not me. I'll tell you something else Alison, because of my jealousy and insecurity, he said I'd have to deal with it because it's all me. So, like an idiot lol, I went to see a psychologist and had ten sessions with her and at the end of that, she said to me "Donna, I don't know why you've been coming to see me because there's nothing wrong with you" Seriously!! Imagine a psychologist telling me, that there's nothing wrong with me!! So if there's nothing wrong with me...what does that tell you? Think about it...
Love and hugs
Donna xxx
I wonder how many of us have done exactly what you did, Donna, and sought out a therapist to find out what's wrong with us only to be told "nothing!" because the problem was never with us - it was who we were with! I did the same thing almost as soon as I stepped off the airplane after my first real-life encounter with someone like this ended in a most heartbreaking way - you can read about it here in my post "I can't make you love me" if you want the sad details - only to be told the same thing, along with the advice that what I really needed was simply a cheerleader to remind me of who I actually was since that had been so beaten down in me from remaining in these types of relationships. To this day, I've learned the truth of that. Some of us have just gone through so much with our sensitive, beautiful hearts that we need that affirmation from someone who gets us in a way that few people understand who haven't been right where we are.
I'm so glad you've found your freedom from someone like this, Donna, and discovered the truth of what was actually going on. Thank you for sharing your story here and adding so much to this conversation. Be so proud of yourself for having the courage to get there and for taking the initiative to prove to yourself there really was nothing wrong wtih you all along, it was the relationship that made you feel that way that was the problem!
Love and hugs to you, too!
Aww thank you Jane for your reply! ☺ Happy Wedding Anniversary too!
You know I don't always comment on here, but have done over the years. But I always love when your emails come through and I have to say thanks also for the little mini YouTube video's you've been sending too, they get me thinking.
Oh I read your "I can't make you love me" and how heartbreaking that experience was for you! And you came through it like the Elton John song..."I'm Still Standing" Yeah, yeah, yeah! ? ? ? We're all still standing, even after coming through such painful times!
Looking forward to your book too. You're an angel Jane x
Maybe you need to hear this to wake yourself up out of your dream. Your boyfriend is every woman's worst NIGHTMARE. He would be like this even with a super model like Cindy Crawford. There would always be a reason with him why it is not his fault and it is his girlfriend's fault. What kind of a person pretends to get engaged without ever intending to get married -- that is just plain cruel.
This man is not good for you. He is messing with your head and your sense of right and wrong. List all the things that are wonderful about YOU. List all the reasons you DESERVE a loving partner. Then, lift your head high, and get the hell out of there and don't stop til you find a man who deserves you and begs you to marry him. Don't settle for anything less.
This boy-man is giving you just enough to keep you hooked in - no more, no less. Enough to keep you dangling. All that energy you're putting into loving him, start putting it into loving yourself, caring for yourself, looking after yourself. You deserve so much better than this.
*Sigh*. Alison, you cannot not feel awful about yourself. After reading this letter, it is no wonder you feel down. This is not a healthy thing you got going with this man. Not even close. You're asking an oak to give you pears.
That aside, I can understand why you feel so low on yourself. You've been through a lot and that pain can make anyone feel as if they had no value or a right to need anything. But you have value. That's inherent. You have every right to need and want things as a result. There's nothing wrong with either of those things. Have you thought of counseling? A therapist to confide in? To gently support you in healing those or in understanding them? We cannot untangle ourselves all on our own. Believe me. I've been working on it for like three years and I'm still drowning. If it weren't for the fact that finances are extremely bad at the moment, I would have sought that therapist to confide in a while back.
But I highly suggest you find support for yourself and focus on yourself for a change. You matter, you are worth all the time, energy and care you give others. Direct some of it to yourself.
As for this man, you don't want to marry him. At all. He would make an awful husband to you. Wanting marriage is perfectly fine, just make sure you choose someone worthy of that commitment.