When I look back at all the relationships that didn't work out (that I so wanted to at the time), I realize that in every case, there were early warning signs that my guy gave me that could have given me some idea of the heartbreak I was going to experience if I had only been aware of what to look for.
So, to spare you from what happened to me, to give you the inside scoop on what you can be on the lookout for, here’s my list of the warning signs that I didn't heed. Fortunately, you still can.
Here they are, in no particular order …
1.) He doesn't call you when he says he will.
Granted, I know that sometimes life can get it the way, and if he’s working late on that big project with the looming deadline it’s possible that time might get away from him once in a while.
But if this happens more than once or twice, it’s a sure sign that you’re just not a priority for him right now.
If a guy is really interested in starting (or continuing) a real relationship with you, you will be on his mind, and he won’t forget to call.
2.) He’s often late and doesn't call to let you know.
I know there are lots of reasons people can run late that are beyond their control (traffic jam, car problems, being stuck at the office), but a quick call from his cell phone will put your mind at ease, and let you know that you have a few more minutes to try on that one other outfit you were still considering.
The point here is about being respectful of your time – we can forgive lateness, even chronic lateness (some people just aren’t good at judging how much time something will take), but not calling to let you know he’ll be a little late?
That’s inexcusable and a sure sign that he’s not too concerned about you.
3.) He’s doesn't show up at all (and doesn't call) when you have plans to see him.
OK ladies, unless he was (verifiably) unconscious in a hospital somewhere, getting stood up is a “one strike and you’re out” offense.
There is absolutely no good reason for this (except the one above), and if you stay with him after a maneuver like that, you’ll be in for a very bumpy emotional ride that’s almost guaranteed to end badly.
Cell phone reception is excellent these days (unless he’s a lumberjack working in the Great North Woods), so this one is unforgivable.
4.) He has rules about how often he can see you.
It’s one thing to have the boys’ “Wednesday Poker Night”, or something along those lines, but if he’s only willing to get together say, every other weekend (with the exception being a child custody situation), then that’s a sure sign he’s keeping his options open and still scouring the market for something better (at least in his mind – he just doesn't realize that you’re the best thing going!).
5.) He knows way more about you than you know about him.
If you find yourself doing all the talking during your conversations, and when you ask him something about himself he doesn't say much, it may be because he’s hiding something or doesn't want to get too close to you.
Many guys just aren't big talkers, but if he hasn't told you the details of where he works, where he grew up, went to school, etc., and if he gives you vague answers when you ask him about these specifics, then that means he’s keeping you at a distance.
6.) You know way more about him than he knows about you.
This one is the flip side to the last warning sign - if he’s so busy talking all about himself, and shows no interest in who you are, what you like to do, or what your idea of the future looks like, this should be a real red flag.
The good news about this one is that there’s no danger of taking it personally – it’s all about him. It has nothing to do with you – this kind of guy isn’t interested in anyone – but himself.
Steer clear (way clear).
7.) He doesn't tell anyone about you. (Read: No one knows he has a girlfriend – YOU)
If he doesn't introduce you to his friends or ask you to hang out with them once in a while, go to a party or get together with them - that’s a sure sign that he’s not sure about the whole thing.
Of course you may not want to hang out with his friends much, particularly if they’re a group of partying bachelors, but they should at least know about you, and it should be your decision.
How they treat you when you’re around can also be a big tell-tale sign of how things are going or will go – if they kind of treat you like “yeah, you’re the girlfriend of the month, I’ll talk to you if you can make it past week 4”, then that’s a sign of what’s likely to be coming next.
8.) He doesn't invite you to meet his family – ever.
Of course inviting you to meet the family is a big deal, as it should be, and it doesn't happen until he feels like this thing is going somewhere.
So that’s just it – if time is starting to drag on, and he still hasn't invited you to meet his family, the likelihood is that he’s having doubts about the relationship.
The bottom line is that if the relationship has been going on for some time – just to put a number on it, let’s say over 6 months – and he hasn't invited you to meet his family yet, it’s certainly time to question him about it.
If he still doesn't introduce you? Time to start planning your exit strategy.
9.) He doesn't spend the holidays with you.
I know there are situations, such as when a divorced man wants to spend time with his children at the family holiday get together, but even then he can make time for you either before or after his family time.
Everyone knows how special holidays are to us women, and if he doesn't, then that’s a sign of other issues (for example, not being considerate and thoughtful regarding your feelings).
If he’s just taking off on a surf vacation to Bali with his buddies over the holidays because that’s when it’s less crowded, and you’re not invited, then you’re clearly a low priority to him.
10.) He’s got lots of female friends – and makes sure you know this.
In my experience, “platonic” friendships are rarely, if ever, that – there are almost always some feelings in one direction or the other.
Either the guy is secretly harboring feelings for the girl, or vice-versa. And when a guy is in a relationship, he has so much less time to spend with his buddies – why on earth would he ever choose to spend that precious time with another woman?
Well, there are a number of reasons he might, and they all involve one deep seated issue or another, and none of them are good.
And making sure you know about it? That’s just playing games, and just another reason to get out and find yourself an emotionally healthy man to be in a relationship with.
11.) He doesn't tell you what he’s doing, where he’s going, or when he’ll be back.
If your guy likes to keep you guessing, there’s a reason. This is another sure sign that he’s keeping his options open.
In a healthy relationship there’s no hiding or secrets.
If he’s not being open and upfront about his whereabouts, then stop worrying about it – just move on.
12.) He doesn't talk about his plans for the future with you.
I’m all for living in the moment and enjoying the “now”. But eventually in a relationship a discussion of future plans has got to come up – otherwise you’ll never know if the two of you are sailing together or heading towards different continents.
If he’s not at least occasionally talking about the future with you then chances are, in his mind, you’re not in it.
13.) He lets you know he had a life without you and he still has a life without you.
I mean, sure, when you’re first dating, it’s interesting to hear about the places your guy has been and all of the fun times he’s had with his friends.
But if he’s still reminiscing about his single life escapades after your relationship has moved to the next level, or worse, making plans to have more of those escapades (without you), then the truth is he still wants to be single.
Let him.
14.) You feel like if you could just change yourself and not be so needy, this would all work out.
This is by far the biggest warning sign of all.
If you start to feel that there’s something wrong with you, or you’re doing something wrong that’s causing him to pull away, and maybe if you just gave him more of the freedom he wants, and wait for him quietly, and…well, you get it.
Don’t fall into this trap.
If you want a real relationship, equipped with real feelings, real caring, real consideration, and real romance, and he doesn't, then he’s not the right guy for you and let him (and yourself) go.
So if you see any of these warning signs, and especially if you see several of them, chances are that this is not a guy that’s looking for a real relationship right now – or at least not the kind you’re looking for.
Your best bet is to walk away gracefully, with your self-esteem intact, and not look back.
Rather than trying to get him to change or waiting for him to come around, try focusing on you and why you’re in a relationship with someone like this. If you find yourself in this type of relationship often, which many of us do, it’s time for some real soul searching to get to the root of it.
If you have access to good counseling, take advantage of it, as many times this is the only way to true healing. And it will be worth it in the long run, to get you past the cycle of toxic relationships so you can move on to the kind of true, sustainable love that you want to attract into your life.
Sometimes it’s hard to see when we’re in it, but know that if you’re settling for less than you deserve, there truly is someone out there ready and waiting to give you what you’re looking for – and to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
It’s in believing in ourselves, trusting our gut instincts and discovering who we really are and what we’re really looking for, that all the other pieces of the puzzle fall into place and we find ourselves finally getting it right and discovering the love of our lives – the one who doesn't come with any red flags.
And you deserve nothing less than that, no matter where you've been or what you've been through.
It’s all out there waiting for you!
More signs:
1. He BREAKS UP with you.
2. He lets his family and/or friends influence his view on you or the relationship.
3. Doesn't initiate sex as often or flirt with you (insn't as affectionate, both emotionally as well as physically).
4. Starts fights for no good reason, and more often.
5. Cheats.
6. Gaslights.
7. Abuses you in any way shape or form.
8. Let's their addiction to drugs, porn, or any other thing, take over the relationship/connection.
9, Physical and/or emotional violence of any kind. (Psychological, Financial, and Sexual)
These are all forms of disrespect by the way, and there's probably more. I will list them if I think of some more, either from personal experience or just things I've observed in my 40 years here on earth.
So true
Great read now learned after year's of this crap ..it's not me it's the weak cowards of men my problem is I was too nice accepting it...no I now see disrespect crystal clear when it's not serving me and I can't tolerate alot now I move on ...my boundaries have changed as it's 1 chance only...
Should I moved on take him off my Facebook He said his family going to be there o don't believe him please help me to go no with my life
Hello.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice or confirmation of what i already know. I'm 35 and Ive been with the same guy for about 3 years. We were on and off for a while. Why? Because he would make plans and cancel,never take me out and ignore my text for days. Yet i kept going back even after he called me needy for wanting a reply or bougie for asking to go out on dates.
We dated during the pandemic so at first us staying inside was all we could do but once things open up he never had time for me but would later tell me about activities he did with friends. When he made plans and cancelled i was the problem because i had expectations.
In all honesty we were never official something he used against me when i found out he was talking to another woman. Still i kept going back.
We stopped talking for a while, i tried to move on he came back for another chance. We made things official, went on our first and only date since we met. (We always hang at his place.) Met his son once during this time.
We broke up as he wouldn't follow through on activities even when i offered to pay. Stayed in contact but didn't see each other for months. Decided to try again. Going for one month. Still no dates outside our apartments ( he says he cant afford, would rather make us dinner). Haven't met his son since the first time, never met his family.
He doesn't buy me flowers or take me out we see each other once a week(maybe). I plan to have a conversation with him about the future of this "relationship" but id like some advice. Is their any point or should i move on.
Girl I would move on, this fool is going to keep doing it. One thing I’ve learned is never take them back, especially after giving them a 2nd chance
Ture
I was in a relationship just like you, and I pushed for the person to marry, since we both were Christian...I ignored all the signs...the marriage did not change things..
I discovered years later he had a psychiatric illness he and his family hide from me ..i had 2 children...we suffered a lot during the time I was with him... eventually after 10 years we escaped...I got an annulment.I have not a relationship since then ..I still very attractive but everyone my age is married. I wish I have read this back then...watch movie the holiday and the burning bed...learn from others
My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years come December. He's ex muslim, in his 40s, lives in the U.K but has lived in the states before. I'm in my 30s, live in the states, and independent. We have only saw one another on video chat. I have told him that I would pay for his plane ticket and everything just to see him. He tells me that he can't because of his mortgage(ive had a mortgage and still traveled), his mental issues(I have mental issues as well), his family(his parents are deceased but has siblings-not sure why a 40 year old man needs permission from his family but he says I can't understand because I've never been in his shoes), his job(I asked if I could bring him here to the states for Christmas and says he can't get off due to just starting a new job). I feel like they are all excuses. I asked him about seeing me next year and he can't tell me when he can see he "doesn't have a crystal ball". He tells me "I will let you know" about things when he leaves me waiting on his video or call. I feel like I'm not a priority. He wants me to wait to see him but I don't want to wait another 3 years just to see him. Help!
They are excuses and please don't offer to pay anything more for him. If he can wait, let him make someone else wait. Absolutely there are so many red flags here and you are not any kind of a priority!
Stop paying, say no ... Next time he asks for money..and watch his face see the mask fall..put your coat on and go for a walk....
Really enjoyed this blog post, how can I make is so that I get an email when you publish a new article?
I'm glad you enjoyed the post, and welcome to our community! You can sign up for my mailing list on this page here:
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When I was young, I dated a fellow who happily introduced me to his family, but never, I mean never took me around his friends. He was a sailor, so our time together was a date every few weekends. I worked part-time, so this also limited our time together. He insisted on taking me to work one night, 20 miles from my home. Guess who did not show up after my shift to take me back home. It was 9 at night and cold. I stood there humiliated in front of my boss and her cohorts until my Dad could come and get me.
In the end, I found out he had an everyday of the week girlfriend at his duty station. He was very handsome and charming. There's more to the story, but it's embarrassing to admit I went back to him after he left me hanging at my job that night. The fool had me thinking he was going to marry me. Anyway, eventually I started seeing the light and I am so glad I followed my instincts. He turned out to be a real skirt-chaser and heavy drinker. You can be head over heels, and then one day everything smacks you in the face. It's a hard thing to face, but it's better than being stuck in a relationship where he does not love anyone but himself. His friends knew him much better than I did and that's why he kept me in the background. I was 16-17 years old, so ya'll cut me some slack.
Not just at 17 years old - now. So much love to you, Nancy. Someone very dear to me had a story just like yours. My heart breaks for that girl you were and there's nothing ever to be embarrassed about behaving the only way you'd ever been taught to be.
#14 especially
"If you start to question yourself or think there is something wrong with you."
Not only is this a guy who doesnt like you but it is also the abusers MO.
If you read "How He Gets Into Her Head" Don Hennessy, an abuser will try to flip the script and get a woman to take responsibility for the emotional temperature of the relationship.
Watch out for this one.
So if a guy does this, at best he wont commit. Non-abusers can do this and will leave.
But at worst, if you buy onto the BS, then he may actually stay and escalate his abuse of you.
He may see you as easy stability that he holds onto while he continues to do exactly what he wants.
A man that likes you would never make you feel less than or not enough. While he may discuss a behavior that bothers him, it will be a "together" discussion intended to lift the relationship up rather than send the message "if you acted different I wouldnt have to do XYZ".
He doesnt need to do XYZ no matter how you act.
Pay attention your own internal dialogue. Are you exploring ways to change to please him?
Finally: I know everyone says this, and until you have Love, it annoying to hear, BUT the real thing IS easy.
Its not work.
The dupe is that its hard.
Two people who fit are not perfect, but they unite and lift each other up. They dont tear each other down.
If a person is not validating your worth, LET. THEM. GO,
Sounds like you've been here before SS. Exactly!
I did all the right things in my five year relationship with JLH. Her parents never really liked me and there daughter had a illness which I didn’t care about because I was falling in love with her trim the beginning. I gave her lots of attention, dresses, jewelry, watch, took her to the prom, taught her to drive a 4- speed speed Camaro. At the end I asked her if she loved me and her reply was “ I don’t know about love but I like you a lot”. That CRUSHED me, I had tried to do everything right by her to earn her love but in the end I found I was not to be loved. So you speak of men that use a women , it happens to men and the pain is the same.
Hearing you, Patrick. And I know many men who this has happened to and can confirm the pain is the same. Much love to you, sweet soul.
So sorryPatrick. The reverse is happening to me.
Giving a small chance to see how it’s going to go
All the best.
Mikelia
Great post
www.abc.com
I have been seeing a man in his 60’s for a year, I’m in my 50’s. I waited 3 months before we were intimate.
We have been away a few times. I asked him what he felt about our relationship and he said “I don’t get butterflies when I see you and I’m certainly not in love with you”.
He also added “but we are more than friends”
I haven’t seen him in 5 weeks, due to covid but if I don’t ring him he never rings me.
I’m so angry at myself for letting my guard down.
So don't ring him but do stop being angry at yourself, Claire. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time and you thought 3 months was it! Remember, this isn't personal no matter how much it feels like it. This is all you're ever going to get when you put someone on the spot by asking how he feels about your relationship. How do YOU feel about your relationship? If you have to ask him how he feels, he's already told you without so many words!
In my experience, guys over 60 don't get butterflies anymore and rarely fall in love. Many are no longer even that interested in sex, at least not on a regular basis. My advice, get somebody younger.
Hi Jane,
I am a 30 yr old female and was dating a guy for about a year. We were originally friends and started dating each other just before the pandemic. I asked if he wanted to be in a relationship with me about 6 months in and he was happy to commit.
We kept seeing each other and had a nice routine, however once restrictions eased I felt he was not making much of an effort to involve me in other aspects of his life. I asked him about this and told him how it made me feel and he seemed understanding and happy to try. However his behaviour didn't change much and I brought it up again a few months later.
Over the Christmas holidays I asked if he would be keen to go away on a 4 day trip. He agreed but I ended up doing most of the organising and planning. On the trip we had a nice time but I also could not read what he was thinking and we didn't any conversations about our relationship.
Once we got back I did not hear from him for a week so I reached out to catch up on the weekend. He said he was busy on the Saturday when I asked but did not tell me why. When we caught up I asked what he had been up to and he was meant to go to a mutual friends event but ended up staying in.
As he had cancelled plans with me and not told me that his original plans were with a friend I got upset. I brought up again how this made me feel and said I could not understand why he kept doing this. He then told me he didn't think our relationship could grow and that there was only a small chance he felt he could love me.
I was not expecting this response and got more upset. I ended up telling him I didn't want the relationship to end and emotions got the better of me. I then walked away when he could not give me a clear response.
It has now been a week since we have both spoken to each other. No messages have been exchanged since the argument. I would like to message him to talk in a more rational manner and see if he still feels the same way but am not sure if this is a good idea. Should I reach out to him or should I try and move on?
There's a pattern here in your relationship when I read this, Lisa. You're the one asking, approaching, initiating, planning. He responds, but you're the one who initiates. That's fine - nothing wrong with that if you're both comfortable in those roles you're in whether they're conscious or not, but it means there's not a lot of space for you to see whether he's just going along in this relationship because you make it easy for him to do just that, or because he's an equal participant on the same page as you.
It doesn't sound like an argument as much as him finally expressing what his actions were showing you more subtly. He just made it clearer by saying it out loud. He keeps doing this because this is where he is and who he is right now.
Sure, you can talk to him, but at best, going by my experience with scenarios like this with the women I work with all over the world, you'll be back right where you just came from with the same patterns until you're right back here all over again. That last conversation WAS rational for him - because he finally said out loud the quiet part he's obviously been feeling.
Sounds like there's someone else who's going to be a much better fit for you - who will meet you right there with the initiating, the planning, the enthusiasm for your relationship and where you won't feel like you're the only one doing all the work!
Thanks so much for your insight Jane. As much as it hurts I know I deserve better than what he was able to give me.
I am just disappointed he could not communicate where he was at with me for whatever reason. As a result he seemed to pull back the more I tried and then it ended.
Is two weeks since breaking up enough time to talk? I don’t want to necessarily get back together. I just want a chance to explain myself better, let him know I respect his decision and end things in a more positive way.
hey I just wanted to know cuz I meet this guy and last night he trying to kiss me a lot he kissed me in the church telling me he's sad that he would do anything for me that he said I'm not going to go nowhere that I'm here he said like that's how he was in like a dating app and then he said that but he finally the I'm the only one for him this never another girl let me and he find me that's what he picked me he interested in on me and calling and text me but the reason the other thing that I'm worried about cuz he was telling me okay we have sex and everything he tells me like a real love with her half a baby but I have a heart condition problem and I tell him and he said that he doesn't care if I do have a baby or not he still be with me and and I tell him if he wanted to be in a relationship with me or is it friends with me he said yes when I went there at me him he's trying to kiss me you mean to eat something and then after that we went somewhere and we tried to kiss a lot lot the only one that I'm worried he tells me cuz I told him about why you never call me babe and you told me that I'm tripping and then he tells me oh why are you tripping for and I want to know what's why you think that he just hiding something for me or cheating on me or I don't know maybe I don't want to get hurt again because my ex boyfriend it was abusing man he used me for money for everything but he this dude doesn't want my money he has his own money and his own apartment or whatever and he's on cars whatever he said has his he's he's a boss of a restaurant he's has a job and everything but I just wanted to know why he's telling me that I'm tripping too much because I don't trip and I want to know why is your comments your comments
Watch yourself with this one, Stephanie. Words are cheap. You need real, consistent actions over time that tell you you've got a good one BEFORE you believe anything this guy says!
Hi Jane, I have been with this guy for most of 9 years. He lived with me for 5 until my landlord made him leave. (he's bipolar and was pretty high strung at times). We continued to date while he lives with his parents. Then his ex-wife somehow came into the picture and they dated for 7 mos while we remained in contact a lot. When their relations was over, he came back to me. Then once again the ex came back and I had no clue until She sent me a pic. He acted like it was no big deal. I didn't see him anymore. Then about 2 mos ago he texted me to come spend the night because he didn't want to sleep alone. I told him I couldn't even tho I really wanted to. He begged saying he was very worried about my safety during this pandemic and he loves me and wants to take care of me...forever. He told me to bring all my stuff & stay w/ him til it's over. I did go over to see what it was all about. He held me tight, looking me in the eye saying "You're my best friend. You know that right? Not Bob, you! I love you! And I miss you!" The next day he was nonchalant about it all. But he did say "When all this started, who's the one person I wanted here with me...YOU." But since then we barely talk and he told me he's seeing someone else. His mom said it's his ex again. And I know what you're thinking...He just wanted "some". His sister told me before this that he'll never take me back because I love him so much and I give him everything. Why is that a bad thing? I was just being me and showing him how much I love him. He has told me time & time again that I am the best woman he's ever know or dated! And yet, he says he's not attracted to me anymore and he doesn't know why and he wishes he still was. What am I suppose to take from all this?? Please don't tell me he just wanted to sleep with me.
It's not a bad thing to love someone so much and give him everything, Mavis, but it IS a bad thing to do that with someone who's telling you he's seeing someone else.
My boyfriend of 3 years says he is not stuck to me yet like I have stuck to him he says he is slow. What does all of this mean?
You're on two different pages, Lily. Who will be the compromise?
There's this guy that says he likes me. He made a move on me 1st, he confesses first. He brings me to meet his family, he texts me all the time. Call me often. It's just been about a month. But he says that truthfully his feelings for me is just around 70-80%. What does that even mean??
How can many of us good single men go out for so many years without ever finding love?
Maybe because you're looking for all the wrong kind of women who match your programming and little else, instead of looking for someone who's actually right for you?
Hi Jane,
Wa goog through some love tips and came across your page,and I think perhaps you can help me out.
Am really confused now and don't know what to do. There's this guy I met ,he had feelings for me and really wanted to be with me. He did all he can, showed me his maximum attention but I keep telling him no. All I keep saying to him is that I was not interested though I knew deep down I wanted to be with him. In order to let it go ,I told him he is a Muslim and I Christian it might probably not work between us not because i was dating a guy or i was in a serious relationship i was just being myself cos I was scared to start up something at the moment which may not end well due to our religious denomination so I told him that if it has to happen ,ie I we are meant to be together i will surely come back for him.
He agreed to wait but he didnt seems to give up he still calls, whatsapp me to knw how am doing for a full whole year. We kept that friendship till the day I met him, i knew that very moment I had to tell him what I feel I but I didn't. I waited for another day when we were sending messages and I told him I miss him and he said he misses me too, so he asked me if I was going to be at home so he can come over, I said ok. Seeing him again was something I didn't want to let go. I finally took up the courage to go tell him the truth, that I really want him back and I really do cos he finally won my heart, I want him back. To my greatest surprise though i knew i had to expect some things from him too like No. He told me he is in a relationship with someone though anything can happen at any time but I don't think so,I felt my heart was going through a serious surgery I told him I was going to miss him and he said the same to me too . I really do want him back,I want to start all over with him.. What should do ? Please help me Jane..
Hi Jane. I’m curious about this guy. What’s his name? He sounds like someone I know. Please, reply.
you have to let him go, you're holding on to something g which might nit really excite you once you get into the relationship with him, so take it for what it is and that if it was meant to be it would have surely been, be thankful for the friendship and move on, its just timing but someday the right man will show up that will be a Christian and everything and more you have ever wanted just give it time, it might take years, weeks, months, but getting it right in the end is far better than settling wrong because you feel it is right.
Hi Jane there's a question I wld like to ask you ,,I meta guy nd we've been dating for 3 months now all of a sudden he changed nd he tells me not to call him he wld be the one to call me ,he wld tell me when it right for me to call him nd I wldnt do anything than to wait for him to call me ..I'm confused I need you to smhelp me with this should I continue with him or he's just trynna play games with me
Are these new terms of his that he's imposed on you acceptable to you, Tasha? Meaning, does this work for you? If it does, then you've found your guy. If it doesn't - which I'm assuming is the case here becaue you're asking me what to do - then you have to decide whose terms are worth more. Yours or his? By the way, if they're going to change, it's always around the 3-4 month mark because that's only as long as they can sustain the image they were trying to pass off as their true selves. See this post for more.
Definitely in this boat, would love some advice. I've been dating this guy for 5 months now, very caring respectful man, came on pretty strong at first. Very affectionate and loving, wanted to see me about 3-4 nights a week, told me he loved me after six weeks but did say he doesn't say that often. The sex is amazing but he says he only needs it twice a week. I have a key to his house (a big deal to him). The last six weeks or so he's been drifting away, not nearly as affectionate unless it's during sex. Besides that barely touches me, says he really likes his alone time and seems fine seeing me twice a week. I can tell if I stay the night for a couple nights in a row he gets agitated and distant but isn't that what a relationship entails? He doesn't seem to need or want to see me all that much. He says he's just comfortable around me and wants to cut back on the sex (I was able to have sex pretty much every day and he found that exhausting so I've tried compromising. And although I like to spend time there I'm not clingy or in his face. He does his thing as well, mows the lawn, chills and watches TV in his chair and I lay on the couch. I am truly in love with him but sometimes I feel like a burden or that he's falling out of love, something is amiss.
Sounds like what I'm going thru, but I have never been to his 0lace, he comes to mine- for 6 years now! My heart loves him to death (idk why) and the sex is the best I've ever EVER had! No other turns me gaga except him, and he blows me off, lies to me about everything! Idk why my heart has loved him since day 1, and he used to be into me and idk what happened. Dont know what to do either cuz my stupid heart is dead set on this guy
Please run from this situation! Red flags everywhere.
Hi i want some sujjestion for relationship..i have a bf and we r in relationship past 1 year and we are met only 2 or 3 time in 1 month of relationship..from then we never met and he never show me interest to meet me and he never say me ily from months and also he never call me..he just call me when he need a help and cut the call and he always talk to me so rashly..whenever i said for meet he off his phone whole day or say he forgets. Even he does not connect with me in any social sites help me out should i break up or not?
Yes let him enjoy his single life with his family and his other women because that's exactly what he's doing just like I would do I'm just walking away packing my stuff moving on with my life and it is what it is do the same I'm sure you'll realize it run
I need your help. I am in a LDR for 2 months. Till 2 weeks ago everything was perfect,we were in everyday contact ,knowing each other's plan, he introduced me to his freinds and family,texting regularly and video call. But it is 2 weeks that he changed our routin plan. I can undesrtand that our honeymoon period is finished and we went back to normal life but it is a bit strange .
The problem is that he became totally offline for 12,14 hours or a day without informing me and tell that he is camping with friends.
I am from Asia and he is from Europe. I want to know asking him to inform me before disappearing for long time is unusuall? Does it mean controlling?
Plz answer me soon
I wanted to ask you for some advice.
Me and this guy have been "going out" for a little over 2 months, and all throughout our time together, he has always come on strong about how much he loves me, and that he wants me to be his wife.
due to certain circumstances, it's been an LDR for about a month. I on two separate occasions tried to use the web browser rabbit to set up a movie night so that we could spend some time together.
Well, on both occasions, he's bailed on the movie, and never messaged me about why he couldn't watch it with me. The first time I gave him the benefit of the doubt and talked it out with him, and he agreed to not do it again. When he no-showed this last time, I told him how upset I was, and now he's ghosted me these past few days.
My question is: Should I stay in this relationship, or should I end it with him?
Hi D,
2 months dating is way too soon to know if your new partner is husband/wife material. It takes time to truly get to know someone and this involves actual time together, sharing and reciprocating feelings, etc.
I don't want to upset you but I don't feel the guy you're seeing is being honest with his intentions. He sounds like he's stringing you along. He might be doing the same with other women as we speak or already has a girlfriend back home.
I say forget this guy and find someone who is able to give you the love and attention you need.
Hey , I’ve been seeing a guy for 8months and recently he asked to take a break we are officially together but everyone thinks we are together and when people ask is this your girlfriend he says yes . When he asked for a break we spoke I told him how I feel exactly and he told me his scared to be in a relationship and then it doesn’t work out and doesn’t want to waste his time , he has told he the feelings are mutual and has told me indirectly that he loves me but his the type of guy that doesn’t share emotions often . He tells me when he goes out and where exactly he goes , all his close friends know about me and love me a lot and they also refer me to his girlfriend but my problem is that from day one his never made a plan to see me , am always the one asking . And I asked him recently when can we go for supper and he said “let’s see , I’ll try find time “ I know he has a different schedule to mine where his a student and working but he always has time to go out so I don’t know what to think ,
Kim, if you ever hear a guy who's supposed to be your boyfriend saying to you "let's see, I'll try to find time", run. Get out. Run away as fast as you can from him. We never learn this part. It's the other part - to keep trying to make someone come around who keeps giving us answers like this - that's what we learn instead. But sweetie, you deserve someone who treats you like you're actually a priority to him, and that doesn't look like this. What you think here is whether this is what you want, whether this is what you are willing to live with. Does this work for you? That's the question you need to answer for yourself. He's going to do what works for him whether you like it or not, obviously by his behavior. YOU need to do what you can live with that works for you! Words mean nothing; actions are everything!
True everyone needs to feel love
Not really a true statement! I only love myself and no one else. Married 53 years and happy just being me. Wife does what ever wives do, and I really don't care what it is.
Hai, jane, i got problem now, lol
I and my bf , We are in a LDR and it's been 1 year together. He rarely say ily or calls me by timid names (mylove, baby), when i ask he said its difficult to say ily and need times. (He never have girlfriend before), another time, he said he dont say ily because me always mad at him. Then, he also no longer calls me even when im sulking, I told him that i need all these and he just said he can try again. Then, he also late reply me, the time differences between one text to another is like 1 to 2 hour as he say he busy. Btw, its not an issue for me but related to ily, and calling, i just waiting him to say or call me,But untill now i dont see he's trying.. I start to think that this relationship is like tug of war game. When i ask if we just friend ? He said not friend, he cant even tell me the word "boyfriend,girlfriend"
Don't sulk, Titi. Stand tall! Hold your head up high! It's not just the words he can't say, it's his actions that say everything else. Being mad at someone all the time and having to sulk to get them to notice you is passive behavior that doesn't serve you at all. Be clear with him. Be clear with yourself first. Look beyond the drama to what you actually see in him and why you're with him. Is it enough? Is he worth it? You're worth it. If he's not on your page, if he can't see you and can't see through to your inherent value, how can he be worth what you're putting yourself through? Only you can decide that, Titi, but don't forget that you're the one doing the choosing here and the way you're living your life right now with him doesn't sound like love from here.
hey i'm in a relationship for 1yr 2mnts. I think my boyfriend is having an affair we are in a long distance relationship of 2-3hrs distance I normally visiting him after a month so I realised now that he is cheating , he forgets to call , text like to check up on me asking me how am I doing how was my day, even late night calls like he used to do. he does not do that anymore so am I reading too much into this or what and I thought he is the one I wanna spend the rest of my life with and the thing of him not want us to talk about future plans , whenever I ask him about his plans he always say he does not have plans. So is he the right man for me or i'm not his priority or am I keeping him busy for him to find the right one
He used to do everything but now he does not and he is a very quiet guy and very secretive he does not talk to much about his life. So must I fool myself for this guy or he will come to his sinces ?
if your answer is a maybe then its a no! keep going forward
Hi Jane,
I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now and from early on I started to notice patterns with him being late to pick me up. I really don't mind if someone's 15-20 mins late if you at least give me a heads up, but if you don't, It bothers me. I consider it common courtesy, because that's something I would do. Anyway, one thing lead to another and it went from being late to not following through with promises. Promises for things that I have considered to be very important and even small things. That's what gets me the most, is the broken promises. The word makes me cringe now.
Along side of all of that, he's a "trust fund baby" and likes to live like he's retired already. SO, with that being said, he's a complete homebody, everything is always happening in his bedroom from eating, to watching TV, to everything else you can do sitting on a bed. It's like pulling teeth to get him to get up at a decent hour and even get him to go out and do anything. The time's we have made a tiny road trip somewhere it's like we're there for an hour and he already wants to go back. As if he doesnt enjoy doing anything. It makes me sad because I feel like I'm waiting for him to wake up all of the time, as i sit around his house with nothing to do. 70% of the relationship consists of this i feel. If he's not sleeping his other favorite pass-time is to go on his phone for hours looking at flooring he wants for his house or decoration for his office, etc. He's super willing and ready to go to Lowe's or Home Depot. (eye roll)
Then there's his dogs.. I love animals, but not enough for them to be sleeping in the same bed with the BOTH of us. My boyfriend is 6'1" and his dogs are pitbulls. The one thats constantly on the bed is the size of a whale, and he snores extremely loud. for the past 8 months where i've spent the night I have acquired the worst sleep where I would just end up on the couch sleeping more than the bed. My boyfriend has been well aware that i'm a light sleeper, and the slightest thing will wake me up and then I struggle to fall back asleep. Yet the situation is still the same. The dog is untrained and the bed is clearly his. He has peed on it and everything and my boyfriend just brushes it off. we're talking dog shit everywhere which he leaves to dry so it's easier to clean up later (another eye roll) its just annoying. He has said he will get a crate to start training him to sleep on the floor and potty train him better, but nothing of the sort has happened.
I'm just completely feeling broken lately. We had plans to get lunch yesterday on my break at work. I had texted him around 9am to say good morning, and then again at 11:15 to remind him that my lunch is at 11:45. I never got a response back from either messages. Then I get a call at my office at 1:30 and it's him. His story was that he left his phone on his bumper at the gas station while he was on his way to pick me up, which is possibly true, but i just dont understand why he wouldnt text me letting me know he was on his way or anything BEFORE he went to the gas station. the time frame is odd too, he called me almost 2 hours from the time he should have met me for lunch.
I'm really confused Jane. I know I deserve better, but I've become emotionally attached too soon....
you should leave,tht is crazy. You can get much better
Please do not leave this man if that’s all wrong with your relationship. Now if he’s abusive or cheating that’s different. Have you talked to him about it? Get involved with helping him chose his flooring etc. Tell him you will go with him to Lowe’s or Home Depot and ask him to accompany you on a small trip etc. I see this relationship workable with communication. I would never ask my husband to take me to lunch during working hours. This our time apart. We will see each other after we get off of work. Every relationship is different. Some women love home body men. Some like a more outgoing partner. If a person snores, try sleeping in the other bedroom. Anyways, talk to him about the issues you are having with him. Give him a chance to change.
What planet do you live on?
Can I ask are you happy? Is this what you wanted in a partner? or seen your life going in this direction? no offence but tell your man straight get off your arse and his phone and sort your dogs out -to potty train them clean up after them as they are a responsibility! Tell me is this man your seeing the image of Prince Charming - who would sweep you off your feet and see you as a priority? If not I would suggest walking away!!! your Heart may hurt the now but you will find someone soon and they will know to treat you like your the only person that matters to them like a princess. I would also suggest you make time for you and go out with some friends build your self-esteem and confidence! This man doesn’t deserve you!
Jane, I'm sure you are well aware why I take offense to this:
In my experience, “platonic” friendships are rarely, if ever, that – there are almost always some feelings in one direction or the other.
Well first off, I commend you for prefacing with "in my experience", but nevertheless, this is a list meant to be taken as advice. And this is the second timing I am finding such regressive and sexist, for lack of a better word, ideas. Perhaps it is your generation and the culture in which you were raised where women around you couldnt be friends with men because they are so 'overemotional' as to not be able to function properly. I have had several successful m/f friendships, even ones where either I or him was attracted to one another (which has been rare), or even venturing into occasional fwb territory (EXCEPTIONALLY RARE) for me. And of the few Ive been into, it was never on an emotional level, purely aesthetic. I'm surprised to be the only one who seems to call these instances out on your blog, but I would hope that you would be careful with the generalizations of helpless neurotic women who cant hold their emotional s#$% together in the presence of a penis (powerphrasing). Or any generalizations about what it means to be a female. Not everyone is even on the same spectrum of feminity, to say the least. I hope you can be much more sensitive to these issues going forward. I love your blogs, I just don't want to feel pidgeonholed into someone's antiquated ideas of what potential a woman has over her own mind.
The first step is realizing that this is even occuring in your writing, so I hope these messages HELP, just as your blogs normally do.
Maybe a young, feminist proofreader could do some good! LOL
Quite the audacity. Arrogant much?
I have a question ? I just know found your blog. thank you for all the wonderful comments . My question is My Boyfriend and I have been dating for about 16 months . I usually spend the weekend with him and one or two nights during the week . My issue is that I live and work about 1 hr 10 mins from him so when I come during the week I like to spend time with him . Well ... Left first start by saying he has a very bad 4 wheeler accident about 5 years ago so he has what they Call a TBI traumatic Brain Injury , but for the most part he is great a lot better than they ever thought . I am just adding this part so that it could be part of his TBI that he just don't think about the problem at hand .....but anyways back to my question is when I come over the 1 or 2 times a week there have been times when he plays his play station the whole time I am there , I go ahead and go to bed and then he does come to bed after I have been in bed about a hour and is very sweet passionate as if there is nothing wrong I get frustrated because I am thinking heck I could have just stayed home if I am going to watch TV etc by my self . then there is days when I am not there he does not play at all ... I am feeling like why cant you play when I am not here ... But I don't want to over react , sound clingy ,selfish , or come off being a bitch or nagging can Some body please offer advise . Thanks every one .
I would start looking for someone else. He may be addicted to porn, which will be years of disappointments and emotional abuse. I would quit going there on those two nights.
My Boyfriend of two years and I live together. He works 6pm to 6am. Get home by 7:30 ish each morning. Usually I'm waiting for him to get home and sometimes he gets breakfast with friends or goes to do whatever. He says that it's controlling of me for me to just ask that he sends me a text or call to let me know he went out. . . If I'm home waiting for him. Not if I'm at work or in a whole other country, just if I'm waiting for him. Not who's he with, not what time he'll be home, not anything but a simple common courtesy call so that I don't wake up at 10 am and he's not there no call or text and think something happened to him. He says I can call him, I don't think I should have to. . Am I wrong for this, is this controlling behavior. Do I need to look at my self and ask why I expect this ???
Jamila, there's a huge difference between someone who owns his own response to your request and tells you this in a way that still respects you and his response of turning this around on you and telling you "it's controlling". It's not a matter of right or wrong; it's about mutual trust and respect and that includes hearing you and being open to your requests. You're not asking for too much. But judging from his response, you may be asking it of the wrong person.
I have a guy I’m interested in we dated a couple of times,& talked on the phone a couple of times, but he had to take a leave of absence of his job,& move a hour,& a half away to take care of his dying uncle , he’s back home now only about 30 min away from where I live because his uncle passed away,but we have been texting,& having great conversations for the past 7 months he’s handicapped,& doesn’t have a lot of money.I asked him if it was ok to call him by his real name his name is mike, but I asked if I could call him michael he said I could call him bu by whatever that means then today again I asked him if I could call him michael his real name,& he replied well he best b getting to work now,& he would ttml what does this all mean
The guy sounds a little off. I’d put that one on the no call list.
I am with someone for like 2 month now, we seeing each other two days in June, now after I slept with, he change completely with me, he won’t call me, only text , when I call me him, he won’t answer, but when I text him goodnight, he said goodnight babe, I don’t know were that relationship going.
He only wanted sex. Stop wasting any more time giving him attention he doesn't deserve.
Hi Jane, he doesnt do any of these warning signs, been together a year and a half, I've met his family, friends. Except he breaks up and then we makeup all the time. Only this year has been longer breaks 1 month and I contact him, so hurtful, he was all in at the start said he loved me, thought I was the one. He has a head injury so I end up looking after him a lot and that role he seems to resent, has just got more and more hurtful how he turns on me, a different man and he says because I go on at him about little things over and over. He has been unwell and so stressed not coping, my friends say he will always be like this because of his health, we are so close, but there's been work issues and problems and he wanted out again. Finding it so hard to let go I don't mind being there for him but one way he can help is to at least be there committed, he doesnt seem to be able to do it and isn't there for me and I'm here just crying. We have a family occasion coming up made the plans and bookings but now were split up I need to talk to him he only shuts down and won't communicate.
Can you live like this? Is this what you want? This will not change. It's who he is and what he's about. It's up to you to decide for yourself what you can and cannot live with and make a decision. Remember to love yourself more than anyone else.
?
It's time to move on. And I hope, with my comment a year later, that you had. I understandthat you want to help, but just do that: help. As relationship goes: let it go. You can't afford a life of being mistreated, angry at for one person. If you guys keep breaking up, you have your answer. It'sgoing to hurt, but honestly, your heart will heal and you'll be over him. Best of luck!
Perfect response!
Hi Jane
I need help, i am going crazy trying to analyze my long distance boyfriend's recent behaviour. We met online in December. We are both divorced and in our 40's. We chatted online for 2 months before meeting. He is a West African man, living in Europe since college. I have been single for 7 years since divorce and he has had a number of failed relationships since his divorce. The longest lasting 2 & 3 years. One of which was long distance. He is a very busy businessman but travels a lot internationally and is never home longer than 2 weeks usually. When i told him am not keen on an LDR, he said he is in Africa for business every 6 to 8 weeks so it would be managable. We fell head over heels inlove online and that was solidified when we met. We both are young spirits, seemed to want the same things, had fun and seemed to have so much in common, shared same values, both don't want anymore kids. We used to talk daily, all hours and multiple times a day, him initiating contact, telling me he sees me everywhere doing things couples do together, whether he is shopping or travelling, i am the one person he misses & thinks about. We discussed the future, living together but didn't discuss timelines although he told me he wants to settle down and to slow down the travelling in 3 years & retire in 5 years.
In March he bought me a flight tickets to join him in on his business trip in Kenya. In May he invited me to join him in and his home country for a week, where he introduced me to his childhood friends, colleagues and his whole family and relatives. We stayed at his brother's house. He also introduced me to the ones that live in other countries via face time and WhatsApp. We have also had long voice and video chats while his kids were in the background and he told me i will meet them too. We discussed me visiting Europe in December cause i needed to spend minimum 2 weeks there to make it worth my while. I have been so happy and really saw myself growing old with this man but now it seems like the honeymoon is over as he seems less and less available including on weekends. From time to time he goes 2 days without calling me, sometimes a week and just texting hi, how are you? Having a busy day. I seem to be initiating chats more often. One weekend i texted him after waiting for 2 days, he didn't respond the whole day, which was the the first and a shock. The next day he texted saying he wasn't feeling well, suffered from migranes, which have not attacked him in 5 years. They were so bad he was in tears. I have since learned he withdraws from people when he is stresses and he is very moody and has a short temper, becomes aggressive during a dissagreement. Then he stops talking for days after that even after the issue has been discussed. He sulks until i cave in. Then say he is sorry he just didn't want to engage in a fight. He says he knows its wrong but thats how he is.
To cut the long story short 3 weeks ago, i confronted him on a number of issues that have been bothering me including his unavailability, calling briefly then saying let's chat later cause he's in meetings or working on a project, driving or travelling etc. There seems to something more important than me. Then he would say he is sorry, he got busy,forgot or was too tired or stressed but really don't like justifying himyself to anyone. He has caused me tremendous pain since i politely expressed my concerns, he screamed at me, gave me silent treatment for days, which was torturous. I cave in time and time again initiating contact then he apologised again saying he will try his best going forward. I haven't spoken to him in 3 days since then and i am confused why he hasn't called me to show that he is making an effort as promised. I don't believe going longer than a day or 2 in a long distance relationship is healthy, especially after having 3 weeks of tension. Lastly i haven't seen him since May, he had said we'll see each other end of July. Now he tells me his schedule has been messed up buy 2 urgent business trips he had to do in Turkey. Then second week of August its school holidays and its his turn to be with his kids for a month. He can only make it to Africa in September but is trying to see if he can come 1st week of August 🙁
Why would you want to be with a man who is unavailable in every sense of the word?
- He's not where you are
- He doesn't have emotional intelligence nor good communication skills (screams at you, sulks, gives you the silent treatment, which by the way is abuse)
- Says he doesn't like to justify himself to anyone and this is who he is (doesn't sound like a person who is mature and open to a healthy relationship)
- Ignores your concerns and feelings
- Travels all the time
- Series of failed relationships? One long distance? Uh-oh. Commitment issues?
- You're feeling sad, walking on eggshells, anxious and unimportant.
I ask again: is this what you honestly want for yourself? If so, why? A few charming personality traits are nothing given all of these issues. The answer to the question is just for yourself. Not for me, not for any of us.
Please look within yourself, figure out who you are and why you are clinging to this situation. You are to be loved and cared for. Healthy relationships begin with you and clarity about what you want and what you don't want. When a man shows you who he is, believe him.
From where I stand, of course because I'm not in it, this situation doesn't sound good.
I wish you clarity and strength to do what is right for you.
Hugs.
I love the response. But want to add I have a relationship just like this in the 7th year. At first I thought the temper tantrums and silent treatments for days/week were indicative of something actually clinical like bipolar disorder. And not sure it isn’t. But it is also abusive. We are in the same town, no travel. Yet our relationship schedule is just as regimented, the same nights every week we see each other. And no spontaneity. If your traveler were to stay put across the street from you even, this type of man will still compartmentalize your relationship into what works for him. They are narcissists, busy and structured with us, so they can be very much relaxed and spontaneous, easygoing, charming and socially opportunistic with everyone else they meet. It’s like there are two of them. And add his social drinking and how he gets, or how he used to get with me, that he’s making time for someone else. A good breeding ground for jealousy and will drive you nuts. He used to almost live with me. So unless you’re emotionally dependent on yours like I am, I suggest you change your phone number, and don’t look back.
I would say 99%, this man is married or involved with someone else.
Or, possibly has a girlfriend or mistress in most of the countries he visit. He sounds like a married man with a wife and kids. Be careful.
hi Jane, I love this article of yours. I have been dating my boyfriend for like six months now, I love him but I can't tell if he loves me or not. each time I visit him at his place, he tells me how much he wants to spend his lifetime with me and after fixing a date to see my people, he doesn't Jux show up. he calls me only when he wants to see me. on my birthday, he didn't give me any present, he doesn't call me or tell me what he is doing, I do the calling and when I complain he apologises and tell me me that he has been busy. I stopped calling him and since then he hasn't called and it's almost two months since last we spoke. he suddenly chatted me up today and told me that he misses me badly, what should I do?
Does this behavior of his work for you? Is that enough? Does it look like the behavior of a man who truly cares and respects you? Answer honestly and based on your answers, get clear on what you truly want and make decisions that honor you.
I'm not sure if I'm being stupid or not but when a guy goes out with his friends and doesn't tell you anything or if he says there just going to be sitting in the house and see pictures posted of them in the club would you say it's disrespectful?, then coming up with excuses like my phone was dead .. Especially if youv been going out for over a year you'd think he'd have better communication
I've just found myself in an odd situation. I've been on four dates with a guy, and have felt increasingly attracted to him the more time we've spent together. He is very respectful and good at keeping to commitments and keen to arrange dates properly. None of the above points from Jane's article seemed to apply (and 8 and 9 for example aren't relevant as we've not known each other that long). I was starting to get confused, particularly after our most recent date yesterday as there had been no kissing or any physical contact whatsoever. He texted me yesterday after the date (he must have picked up that I like him) and said he's not looking for a relationship and is 'pretty close to asexual'. It makes sense of his behaviour, but I feel sad to hear this - about it not working out with him but also to realise that I have yet again attracted an unavailable man, even though I was in a really good place in myself when I met him and while we've been dating. It is also odd because my experiences over the past few years have mostly been of guys who only wanted sex or something very casual. There have been two others who seemed disinterested in the physical side of things. The physical side of a relationship is very important to me and now I fear that I won't find someone who wants a relationship AND wants sex. I know that might sound odd. It's disheartening to know I've done so much work on myself and then something like this has happened yet again. Any help/advice appreciated!
Life happens. You attract people of all sorts. This means absolutely nothing other than he isn't what you're looking for. Keep living your life for you, keep going. Don't force it, don't put a deadline on it, just keep on keeping on. Don't expect instant success. Just go into every experience with everything you've learned and learn some more. No expectations. It takes practice, but it keeps you from quitting every time you find out the guy is not your guy.
Thanks Angel, I needed to hear that 🙂 It's tough because I haven't had a long term relationship for nearly six years and I'm getting later and later into my child bearing years - *sigh* - which makes it increasingly difficult not to get hopeful when someone starts to seem like a promising match. At least I found out early this time, before I felt properly bonded.
I can only imagine how that must flood you with anxiety. What you might find useful is facing your fear: imagine you don't meet anyone before your childbearing years are gone. What then? Feel the feelings, listen to them, cry it out for as long as you need to until you see what's at the core. It's super scary and hard, but it's liberating. It doesn't make it real, it just helps you see more clearly what it is you're afraid of.
Remember it's about finding the right partner and having a family that is healthy and functional. It's not about just getting married and having children.
hi guys i need you help the is a guy im working with same company but different department we are not dating but we do whatsaap he always be nice and lovely to me every day he ask me to give him a hag ,when im alone he come to me and massage my shoulder.im starting to love him but the only problem that i have he just whatsapp checking on me everyday but he dont even call me cause he said he is always busy thats why he prefer to use text,whatsapp,or email and he dont even say he love me the feeling that i have for him its strong i cant even look at him in to the eyes what must i do ?he is 27 years im 26 years both we dont have kids
Upset? You're already upset because you know deep down he's not being upcoming with information because he is holding out on information. End it, fair and square....he's stringing you along and even if he does engage you or marry you, you will be cheated on behind your back as he knows you will simply put up with it. If there are 3 or 4 women chasing him its because he's putting out the signals that he is available. It hurts like hell, but its going to hurt even worse if you marry him and have a small baby to look after, crying and needing you both and he is 'away' having an affair, knowing that you not only put up with it while you were single, but you are now trapped with a baby and you'll put up with it whether you like it or not. He is a rotten sod who doesn't deserve you.....there's better out there, and even if you are on your own, it's got to be better than crying every day, wondering what hes thinking and up to, interspersed with his 'comfort' lovemaking to keep you hanging on......drop him and move on, forward and upward.
Hi, I need some advice on my relationship.
Ive been dating my boyfriend and promised fiance for 10 months, soon to be 11. in that time, he has proven he is an amazing boyfriend with many good qualities. EXCEPT that he has now 4 times not told me about things I believe to be important, all on the excuse that he "doesnt want to get me upset." While ive tried to continue on, this is the 4th time ive told him that Id rather he told me, and that if he did it would solve about 98% of the problems those 4 times have caused in extra. He finally is starting to do that. however, he also has a lot of female friends. While I refuse to be the type of girl that wont let him have female friends, I am concerned. I didnt know he had so many, and that most of them were exes from the time he was a player. not to mention at least 4 have tried and still are trying to get him. We live 3 hours away, due to my family moving away from my home. im worried he's either lying to me about whats going on, isnt telling me the whole truth, or is flat out cheating or reciprocating his exes feelings. I want to go back to the way our relationship was, or, knowing whats truly happening, end it. What should I do? (talking it out with him hasnt resulted in me feeling any better. Ive also had warning sign #14, but not because of his words to me.)
Thanks for anyone's advice
Also he is constantly singing love ballads to me when we are alone.
I need some advice...
I have a close guy friend whom I have know for 12 years. About 5 years ago we became more than friends, non-physical, and now I feel I may have been played for a fool. Over the last five years, he has displayed feelings that he might like me. He always lights up when I am around, he always stares at me until I smile back at him and then he continues to stare at me longer, he always makes sure he is no more than a 4 inches away from me when we are out in a group and he is always making sure I am safe. About a year ago he said something rude to me at my birthday party, I confronted him about it and he denied saying it. I brushed it off. Then about 2 weeks ago we had made plans to go to midnight mass like we do every year and he didn't show up or call. I asked him about it and he acted like it was no big deal. Finally a couple days ago I invited him to my birthday dinner along with another mutual friend. He messaged me saying he would be there and then messaged our mutual friend and said he wasn't going to go.
Why is this happening? In between all these behaviors, he keeps up with being super friendly with me.
He's not into you. He just likes your reactions. You can always get clear on what you want and speak with him, share honestly what's going on with you and what you would like from him, then listen closely to what he says.
Remember that if a man wants to be with you, he'll show you consistently and you'll never have any doubts. If you have doubts, he's not into you.
Thank you Mirada for being real with me. I really do appreciate your honesty. Happy New Year to you!
But it's not a big deal if you meet the parents/family
Maybe it is to a woman living in a fantasy romcom, but not in real life.
Also, a man should still have free time despite having a girlfriend. She's not supposed to be the center of his world. Not every moment should be spent with her.
That's like a possessive, suffocating, ball and chain relationship.
If a msn doesn't introduce you to his family and friends, it means either he's ashamed of you, he has another women or both. It is a big deal to get played...unless you are as much of a player as the man.
i also just told him what it says on here,about special hoildays, his reply dont believe everything you read online, i said i dont care its true!im very hurt my feelings. Its like talking to a brick wall. 🙁
hi , my bf keeps saying he loves me, but wont spend christmas day with me, He said he doesnt want to let his mum down, out of the blue he said i have decided im going to spend it with you, I said why? he said because i love you. He has changed his mind. So now i dont think he loves me at all. And he brought me flowers lastnight, i said why by me flowers he said because he loves me.
Hi there,
I'm pretty much in need of some help and guidance, and any comment is going to be very well received. posted this in other blog post, but now that I read this post, maybe this post is better suited for this.
I've met this guy on an online date site on January of this year. We've talked over email and then over whatsapp for months. After we've finally met over coffee four months ago, we have been in touch every single day. Whatsapp in the morning, in the middle of the day and at the evening. Every saturday we went out to the cinema. On sundays we've talked over the phone for an hour or so. At the evenings he usually called me and we talked for an hour.
We kinda "click", and have spent a lot of time together as friends. He divorced a year ago (it was +20 years of marriage), and told me that he has been feeling lonely, and that laughing with me was very good for him, and that he felt very at ease with me.
There was some sort of sexual tension between us, the way he looked at me from bottom to top, and some double meaning phrases that usually made us laugh. We talked about everything.
He then goes to have a long planned vacation with a divorced male friend of him. He planned it before we started to date. It was a 2 weeks vacation.
He started to sparingly sent me audio messages over whatsapp, they were nice messages. He kept asking me how was I doing, but didn't listen to the replies that I sent him.
One day that I was feeling really low, I sent him an audio telling him that he didn't even listened to my messages, that he didn't even know nor care about how I was doing, so we should stop sending messages and wait till he returned. The tone was very serious and plainly rude. He has being very friendly up until then. He stopped any message after that. He was clearly offended (it was a rude message I must admit).
I tried to apologise (after realising my rudeness) using text, but he didn't respond.
After a lot of thought I ralised that I was just missing him a lot more than I thought possible and that I was being quite jelous because I imagined him with other women. After he came back, I call him and tried to talk to him. He told me that he was hurt and angry for that message, and that he needed time.
One week passed and I call him again, saying that please, we should meet in person, because I wanted to apologise. He say no, he wasn't ready.
So I call him once more and told him that I've missed him, that I was jealous and that I realised that my message wasn't one of a friendly friend, but that it sounded different, and that it was because I started to have some feelings for him, and that I didn't know how to deal with those feelings, and that I was very sorry for my rudeness. That he didn't deserve that message, that it was me that was so confused because of my feelings, and that I just realised them. I told him that I wasn't used to be in contact with my feelings, and that I didn't know how to act or do, and that he was very nice, that the fault was all from my part. I really think that way, after all, we were just friends.
He told me that he needed to think about everything, that I couldn't expect for him to call me or send me messages that it was before, and that we should wait and stop any contact, because he was still in a bad situation because of his marriage breakup. And that he still felt bad about the whole thing, and that he didn't felt like talking or meeting me in person right then.
A week has passed since then. He didn't call me but since he came back from his trip he has been every single day (at least twice) on the dating site looking for women. I know because he inadvertedly contacted a friend of mine. And she checks on him and tells me that he keeps being online.
So, I think he just shut me down for good, and he won't think of me again, or call me again. Am I right?
We've talked for four months, and I can't belive that he didn't accept my apology, nor wanted to meet me in order to clear this thing out. I'm not sure how to feel about the whole thing right now, because I still miss our talks, and I miss his friendship. Doesn't he miss me a bit? Not in the least? I'm thrown away just like that?
I really appreciate any comment on this.
Lidia
Hope you moved on. In a real relationship this would just be a normal fight/mishap and you guys will make up.
He used the message as an excuse to leave you.
Hope you're ok now.
Being in the dating pool, I have to agree with almost all of these. Although, I did meet a guy who texted, called and invited me to go out with him and his close friends, married friends who i got along well with, even hang out with his kids. Everything was going well until I caught the flu, he came by to see me once to bring food. Then nothing for days and then he came over to tell me, while I was still sick, that he met someone else and wanted a relationship with her. A couple of weeks after that, he's telling me he's no longer seeing her (we are neighbors, by the way) and trying to get back together with me and because he loves people, he can't see himself settling down to only one. The next day I found out he wants to take her on a cruise.
Even though the warning signs are useful, I'm also learning that some guys use them to their advantage which hurts the guys that really are into you and genuinely are good guys.
Hi Jane
Been browsing through your site for few days and thought I'd drop you a line
I've been seeing a guy who is 14 years younger than me with a 7 year old child from a previous brief relationship. I have a 15 year old son
When I first meet him I was very concerned about the age difference and all the fact that he lives and works approximately an hour and a half from me
The problem is that I just don't get it see him enough
He works long hours (sports coach ) and cares for he's daughter every Monday eve and all day Saturday.
I've only asked for once a week for now and I've offered to go to him, which he refused as he house shares and said we would have no privacy
We text everyday, serval times a day but he won't call even though I have asked him to
It's now been nearly 4 weeks since I've seen him and I'm finding it all very upsetting
I've asked him straight out if he wants me or wound he rather continue on a few occasions but he insists that he does want me but is concerned about the 'seeing' time he can give.
I find it all confusing as he still finds time to see he's mates at a weekend
Any advise would be appericated as I've rather fallen for him and I'm at my wits end as what to do
Thankyou
Dee's x
He's not into it. If he wanted to see you he would.
Reading your post, I don't see what you get out of this man and this situation. Nothing but confusion and texts. What do you really have? Why are you hanging on to this in the first place? The answer to those questions is personal and is just for you.
It seems to me you're forgetting yourself and what you want and you're projecting a fantasy onto this mortal who is clearly not interested.
I know how sucky this is, but I've been there and I can tell you, you and you're life are too precious to be given away to someone who doesn't give you anything at all.
Focus on you, your happiness, your hobbies and people who actually love you and are there for you. Get clear on what you are and what you desire and start acting like the prize you are.
Hugs.
hi Jane
I just came across this website today and it's very useful thanks. I have a question. I met a guy who told me he want to hang out with me. he took my number but never calls unless I send a please call me. but when I call he answer and calls me beautiful. he asked me about myself and told much more about him
but the thing is he never calls unless I send a callback. is he into me?
Welcome, Queen. I'm so glad you found your way here! A guy who's on the same page as you - and interested in you - will always make effort than it takes to simply respond to you. That's how you know, Queen. If you want to know for sure, stop initiating on your end and see what happens. Anyone can be flattered enough to respond; someone who's truly interested in you will make sure there's no doubt concerning his intentions with you!
Hi Jane!
Great article, and so true.
I live 6 hours drive from my boyfriend of 5 years (am on a postgrad course), I'm 36 he's 43.
Our mutual work friend is getting married in two days, and BF omitted to say he was going. (NB: 2 months ago BF told me he would not be attending)
I will know more people attending than he will, I just can't figure why he thought it was ok NOT to even mention this?
I lost contact with the friend (the groom), so didn't receive an invite. BF is not exactly close to him either but was invited, I'm annoyed that he chose not to mention he will go (I'm returning to school the morning of the wedding) but not at his actual attendance.
I'm not sure how to address this?
PS- BF is divorced and often expects a woman's reaction to be similar to that of his ex wife.
I prefer the logical calm approach, but I am stumped on this situation!
It sounds like there's more going on here than him not mentioning anything about going to this wedding, HalLots. Are you not sure if you can trust him or what his motives might be? Is there some concern you have about why he might not tell you this? Is there some reason you're not comfortable with just asking him? Figure that part out and you'll have your answer.
Jane. I'm forever grateful for your kind words and encouragement. Thank you for answering. I'm sure there are many who feel the same. Your words stay with me and help me through. Funny, I went out with a friend yesterday. We had a nice time. We met a few men, who I thought were fun and solid. One gave me lots of attention, and his friend said to me, he likes you. So, thinking oh, he seems to be very nice and I was attracted to him. We laughed and joked. Much attraction there. Well, my friend happened to speak to his friend. She then turned to me and said, he's married. My heart dropped. I immediately told her, "let's go." I'm thankful that she found out (which I usually ask, but failed to this time). My heart truly sunk, because for hours I was under the impression he was single. So, I ran out of there very fast with my friend - it's one area I never enter - married men. Thank you Jane. I need to take a walk.
Hello Jane. I just scanned through all the different titles of yours and this one stuck out the most. You have been a strong support for me for close to one year. You helped me through a difficult time, when the man, who was a friend, and I approached him should we take it to another level stated "He did not know." You helped me passed that and not beat myself up about it. I came to understand we were not on the same page. I have not dated a soul since that time, nor have I spoken to the "I don't know man" in one year. I'm over him - thanks to you. He is a good person, but I realize after time, I was looking for more. Now, that I'm trying to get myself out there again, I read this column of yours. It is like a guide for me. My heart is VERY GUARDED since the last gentleman. I know he must have gone on with his life, and I must get on with mine. I just find I must not be approachable. I have gone out and do the things I love - not looking just doing what I like . Friends, family and strangers will tell me what a great catch I would be I have so much going for me why don't I have a partner. I just look at them and just don't know. I'm told I'm extremely attractive, in shape, wonderful personality, kind and generous. Yet, my two brothers had this to say to me. Men are probably afraid to approach you because you are beatiful and nice. My other brother tells me "Are you ever going to give a guy a chance.". Okay. Guys don't approach me .... I don't know if I am beatiful or not, it's not important. I'm on the timid side at times. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and there is MUCH MORE TO ME. I was a single mom, worked hard, take care of myself.f Not afraid to get my hands dirty and do mens work, yet I can dress up and be myself and love to do that for that special someone. I GIVE UP. Maybe I need to go on a reality show - or Steve Harvey to find the right person. I would be too shy and timid to do that though. Thank you Jane for listening. Maybe it's just not meant to be to find that special person. I just wish he would find me.........................I'm tired.
So glad this is resonating with you, Denise. Thank you for your kind words. We're not meant to go through these times alone! It's ok to be tired. It's ok to give up the search. You're not giving up on you, you're only shifting your energy from what's become an exhausting search, to allowing love to find you. Always here for you. 🙂
Hi Jane,
I am totally new here and enjoying reading your posts. I liked write to you but my English is not very good!
Most of the signs listed here are valid in my relationship, actually i am in relationship i know it is not right for me but i can not help myself get out of it. I met my boyfriend when i was 21 we were together for 5 years and one day he disappeared! Just 1 month before my master dissertation defense session.
I survived, i was really happy when i opened my eyes every morning. I have worked on my plans to study abroad ( i live in Iran), but few months ago he text me. Same story we get back together, Now, i am not happy. He told me he is not going to marry me...
During these months i broke up with him about 5 times, but every time i get back . I feel really overwhelmed. I am strong social person, people around me admire me but i am really weak at this point.
Seems like an addiction or like to suffer myself.
How can i help myself?
Welcome, Parisa! I understand you perfectly. 🙂 Help yourself by making a list of what you want, and then looking at what he offers you. Then compare the two. Can he give you that? If he can't, you've got your answer. Look at your programming about love, about what love looks like, feels like and is like. This is a time to set aside your beautiful emotional side for just a moment and look at what's real. Don't let your own fantasy keep you from seeing that reality. You're not weak; you simply need to become clear about exactly what it is you're looking for and then what he is or isn't within that context will tell you everything you need to know to give you your answer.
Find you, Parisa. This is how we find that strength within us. Find your beautiful self with so much to give, so much to offer, so much to be! But only for someone who is truly worthy of you!
Thank you so much for your words. It does not need to be listed on a paper! It is clear he is not the right person for me.
I will do my best to act strongly.
I thought I knew my husband but I missed all the hints. Marriage now is a whole lot different that the 60's. My dreams were kids and a big family, husbands dreams well I don't think he really had any.
Together for 47 years and he decided that we could live our own lives, I had to ask what he meant by that! I was shocked by his answer, he was going to live his own life like I wasn't included at all. He told me I could leave or stay here rent free, he didn't care. He moved to our basement and lived down there for years then he built a fancy garage and currently lives in it. I have the whole house to myself. We were never intimate, haven't spoke to each other in decades and just ignored each other. I made the big mistake of not moving on, I'm sure I would have found some one else to have a family and kids with. Its to late now he's 70 and I'm 68 and to tired to go any place. I have a warm house and good benefits that pay for my shrink and pills that I need. We both wasted our lives and thats horrible.
My heart goes out to you, Amy. Remember that we're all human. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time. And what we can see when we look back is rarely what we can see when we're in it.
Hi Jane,
I came across your site today as I was pondering about my current situation. And I love your 'no fuss' approach to every topic.
I have had a crush on this man for almost 1 year. Since we only met professionally (but we do not work together or anything), and because I'm extremely shy, I never approached him to ask him out. Well nearly 1 year later, when he gave me his cell phone number, my heart was racing. But he gave me his number for a 'reason' (it was to contact him to get someone else's contact information). Few days later, I sent him a text, and he asked for a personal meeting. Obviously I didn't want to turn this opportunity down. From the stares and the way he was always attentive, I had some inclination that he was interested. The day before the meeting he asked if we could meet for dinner...I said 'ok' to that as well. We finally met this past Monday.
I kept no high expectations. I even dressed like it was a 'meeting' (cool and casual). He showed up, and most of the 2 hours were all about personal questions. We talked about our families, careers, future plans, and of course.....how he thought I was "pretty since the first day he saw me", how his staff thought I was really pretty. He even paid the dinner bill (I insisted I should pay but he wouldn't let me). He leaned in to kiss me, so I flat out asked, "is this a date?" and he said, "it sure is an unplanned date". So we kissed....Next day I also told him I would like to see more of him, and he too said he wanted to see more of me as well. Our second date is next week....
Here is my dilemma. This is a very very very busy man. Since I don't go out on a lot of dates, I have no clue how to play games. But I have been through a very toxic relationship, and want to make sure I'm not anyone's doormat ever again. I want to be very clear that he has a genuine interest and not just tagging me along. And I say this for some things he mentioned on our first date:
- He said he lives alone and has been since he was 7 years old. He likes it and "wouldn't have it any other way"
Obviously I'm still just getting to know him. But when is it ok to ask a man what his intentions are? How do I tactfully ask if he is planning on being "alone" for good or not?
Thank you for your help
Thank you, Kay. So glad you found your way here. 🙂 You can ask, but as so many of us will attest to, the answer you receive will rarely be one you can take to the bank - or to your heart in this case. Instead, take your time. Slow things down to a pace where you can really get to know this person, no matter how busy he may be. Watch, listen, observe, with eyes that are willing to see everything. You're the one doing the choosing here; let him show you that he's worthy of you! Because when you take your time to really get to know him like this before getting your heart emotionally involved with him in a place where you can't think straight anymore, you will save yourself from so much heartbreak if he isn't what he seems to be.
This man just broke up with me about a week ago. I am very depressed. I am just wondering and wondering what I did wrong to make him pull away.
We have been dating for six months. Now I compared his behavior to this list. I guest he is not into me.
No 7: I don't know if he ever told anyone about me since he never introduced me to anyone;
No. 8: Of course, he didn't invite me to meet his family;
No. 9: we were away from each other during holidays because our families are in different places; we had a fight on Valentines' day;
No. 12: he never mentioned about his future plan to me;
No. 14: I am at the stage asking myself: maybe I shouldn't ask him this or that, he would be still with me.....
Sadly I am still missing him very much. I know I need to move on. I just don't know how.
Don't beat yourself up like this, Meghan. There's always a hundred things we can look back and regret about what we did or didn't do. In the end, it's the same answer - if two people are on the same page, want the same thing, and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, it does. If one or both of them aren't, it doesn't. It's never as personal as we make it out to be.
I am in relationship and getting completely mixed signals. If I back off she comes running if she backs off I panic she's lost interest. First person I have been attracted to though and don't want to lose the soulmate link we have. Never had that with anyone else lol. She is surrounded by other gay women but reassured me nothing going on with any of them. I have to believe that but when she blows cold I fear that there is someone else.
You can't lose someone who doesn't want to be lost, Mel.
Hi Jane,
I'm really glad I found your site. I find a lot of it really credible.
I have a problem now, and I need a second opinion. It's a bit long, so please bare with me.
I've been friends with this guy for 7 years. Since we were 15 in High school. we're both going on 22 now. I loved him for 4 years in high school, at the time he didn't feel the same. and then when he finally did, I was unavailable in another relationship with whom , I thought at the time, I would have a life with. When he found out I was engaged, he confessed to me his feelings and then after when I got out of that relationship, which turned out to be an abusive one, He pursued me. He came to see me when I told him what happened, and he was a good friend, and was there for me. I rejected him. And then I remembered how much I still cared and I decided to give it a shot-- I still liked him a lot. He's cute and he did cute things that made me smile. He even made the first move to ask me to be his girlfriend, he invited me over to Christmas with his family. We eventually slept together, and started to see each other once a week, since I'm working and in college. I'm busy.
He's my first boyfriend. I'm his first girlfriend. We've been official a little more than two months and enjoy the time we spend together. I told him I wanted something serious, I told him I don't want to be with someone who will never be serious with me. But he says he trusts me and enjoys what we have and with more time he spends with me the more he will commit, and he says he is serious about this relationship, its just new to him but one thing kept bothering me: He kept saying how much he "cares for me" no matter what happens, "couple or no couple" he'll stick with me through thick or thin, he says that he's not about to give me up, since he finally got the courage to ask me to be his. What does all that mean? He says he loves me, He knows I do, even if I don't say it often. I know he cares, but I'm still unsure. He doesn't call, text, nothing. I have been the one initiating contact, but I recently stopped. I refuse to chase him down, and initiate. I am a queen. You want it? Come get it before it's gone. How do I make him see that? I'm afraid that he just wants me until he finds something better or he just thinks he can't find anybody else. Like a second thought.
It's been 4 days, neither of us talked. I'm thinking that if he waits longer than 2 weeks to contact me, I'm not going to let him have it easy, and if it gets to a month, I'm leaving. I want a real relationship. Am I asking too much too soon? should I hang on? Because I feel like he's just there. And I care about him, but if I don't get what I want from this, I don't want to stay. Am I doing something wrong? What do you suggest that I should do?
I've been dating this guy almost a month and I feel like things are weird I can't read him we go out with a good time but we've hardly had much physical contact. He recently moved back into it excise house due to the terrible injury and I presently have my parents visiting for the season in Florida so we don't have much privacy. The other day we had plans he was in a lot of pain today took a muscle relaxer but didn't contact me until the next day by saying sorry good morning. I told him I had a nice time on our date the other night even though we had some weird things happen he said cool. Can we call me later sometimehe does call me Most times when he says he willsometime but there are two or three other times nothing, I don't know what to make of it
I messaged my best friend 2 days ago to tell him I liked him and he never replied 🙁 now I'm stuck in the limbo of 'do I talk to him again or do I wait', but I miss my friend! I wish he'd just tell me no already!!
Thing is he fits a lot of these - the ones pertaining to punctuality and messaging. He left me all day without word once when he promised to visit me after I had experienced a sudden tragedy...
But I still have feelings for Hun and we get on so incredibly well when we see each other!
I'm so confused ;-;
oh I hear you, Sarah - nothing quite like the land of limbo. If he's your friend, don't be afraid to tell him what you just told me. That you miss him and you just wish he'd tell you no already. My guess is you're feeling confused because you're feeling his confusion. Do what you need to say or do for you. It's not up to him; you're the one who's got the feelings and just put yourself out there. Do what you need to do for you. If he's truly your best friend, you'll get through this, too.
Hey Jane!
I just stumbled upon your article and it's making me think through my life. I've been struggling the past few days with not knowing what to do, and I'd like to share my story. My boyfriend and I have been together for around a year and a half, and when we met he was so interested in me we went on dates for a few months before finally seeing each other exclusively. In the beginning stages he used to promise me things all the time, like dates and flowers, and trips ( he used to live in a different city, which I've always wanted to visit) and he promised to take me the next time he went. To paint a better picture, I myself have very hectic schedule I commute between two states and am constantly busy, he knew this and has always worked with my schedule, with a few complaints here and there. We started bickering very early and over things that were silly, we're both head strong and don't back down, it also did not help with him being not trusting of me, for the longest time he thought I was cheating on him! Granted we had great times too, we went on many trips, had many laughs, Ive met his friends, he's met mine, we know each other's families, but I've always felt he was distant. The first time I was really hurt was when we took a trip to a city I didn't particularly know very well (he did) we ended up having a few drinks and an argument started which ended with him leaving me In the street having to find my way back to the hotel, I never forgot that. Arguing with him always feels like an unfair fight, he's stubborn and does not believe anything is ever his fault it's always me, he makes that clear that if this relationship was to end its because of me. Anyways, fast forward to the end of this past year we had plans for New Years (I was working late and we were going to stay in) he confirmed the plans with me, than two hours later called asking if we could go to a friends party in a town 35 minutes away, I told him I didn't want to go, he got pissy and went by himself,I never got a New Years phone call... Granted I have my own insecurities and I'm working with myself, and I can't blame him for everything I've caused fights as well, and I can't say he's not a nice person, he is and he does care, but when he's upset it's like he can only focus on him and his feelings. I try my hardest to keep him happy, I surprise him with presents, big and small just to make him smile, just to make his day, and I enjoy doing it! Now the last event that shook me up happened a couple of nights ago he was coming over for dinner I spent the whole day preparing and when it came to the last hour before he showed up I realized I forgot to purchase a product, so I called him asking to stop by the store on his way over, he told me why would he want to do that? Getting aggravated I went to the store myself, he called me saying he will be over soon and granted you could tell I was annoyed over the phone, when he showed up the first thing he said to me was you're being an (expletive removed) by giving him an attitude, I got more mad and told him if he wants he can leave he yelled (expletive removed) to me and left, I called ten minutes later saying is this how the night will end be asked for an oppology, I swallowed the whole situation just wanting a nice evening. When he came back the bickering did not stop, and somehow we got on the topic of sacrifices and he looked at me and I quote "I don't make sacrifices? I sacrifice sleeping with other women for you" i didn't comment but another argument broke out he told me I drive him insane I don't listen and that he can't talk to me and left, haven't heard from him since. At this point I don't know what to do, I really love this guy, I've always been there and it just hurts really bad. I don't know what to do with myself.
This sounds bad, Rita. A man who verbally abuses you and thinks it's a sacrifice to give up other women is telling you all you need to know. He has gotten used to treating you poorly. Where are your boundaries? You're choosing to stay with a man who leaves you on the street, who changes plans at his leisure even if you disagree and who clearly has no regard for your needs.
Wake up, sister.
I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but it has just enfuriated me to read your post. You don't deserve this kind of treatment.
I wish you strength and clarity to course correct and choose to love yourself more than anyone else.
Hello Jane!! I enjoyed reading your article and it really helped us a lot specially girls who are going through a tough times in a realtionship...Just like me.
I meet a guy bon a dating site back 2012 of course at first I didnt mind him coz i am in a relationship that time..but he still kept on messaging me sept and oct....I still ignored him..Until me and my man broke up..after 6 mos..he contacted me again...and that was the time that i entertained here..everything went well for us..We emailed and messages each other at fb..We did naughty things coz he likes it..I liked being naughty with him too..we were very happy we had fun..he even told me to come to our country and meet me..of course i dont believe him..we have shared dirty talk..until one day after 3 mos.. He became cold..he talked less so i decided to cut it off..I deleted him in all my acct. Recently, after 1 year..last dec. He just popped up, he add me on fb..he even told me he missed me and hes been looking for me..I dont know but i also missed him..so we back together..I knoe there is a strong connection for both of us, but for one mos. We had a fight, misunderstood but we still find a way to settle it before the day end..he even told me how happy he was when hes with me..he loved me and i also loved him and cared him so much..all i want is to make him happy..there were times when he told me his tired of being kicked and he doesnt deserved it..coz everytime we had a fight i always told him ypu are free to go..He is naughty, playful and teaseful...and sometimes i dont want to do naughtiness and he understands thst..but I know we're serious...We like to keep each other updated..But the thing is recently he told me "something happened ill let you know later" course i am so worried about him i messaged him what happened that I am worried about him but 2days and i still havent got his reply..so i decided to deactivate my fb for 5 days..acoz i just need time to relax and to breath..i dont like worrying abput him..and yesterday, when i reactivated my fb..I saw him online i expect that he will messaged me but surprisingly he deactivated his fb as well..now i couldnt commit or message him...what is happening? What should i do? Should i wait until he open his fb again? Or should i moved on? Btw I also found out that he has another fb.. But it didnt updated. Plesse help me.. We told each other how scared we are to lose each other..he even told me he just want to be happy with me.. I am confused now
Glad you enjoyed this one, Mehmeh. I'm always here to help! 🙂 It sounds like you're finding out more about this guy, and that's exactly the point of taking your time to really get to know someone before you make up your mind that he's someone you even want in your life. This is more of who he is, how he handles different situations, the way he chooses to communicate, and what he's comfortable with as far as contact goes - and what he's not.
Now it's your turn to ask yourself what you think. Does this work for you? Can you live with his terms? Is this what you want? Whatever's happening with him, is always about him, Mehmeh. He's going to do what works for him, what's comfortable for him. Do what gives you the greatest sense of calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets.
It's in the space you give him that you find out what page he's on by what he does with it - does he move closer to fill in that space? Or does he allow that space to stay and grow even bigger? Let his actions tell you more about who he really is - and then you decide if what that is works for you. You're the one doing the choosing and when you choose you, everything else will fall into place.
Hi Jane
Can I ask a question
I broke up with ex partner 16 months ago by him cheating well I met someone else and I think I'm completely in love with him. Only problem is its really complicated we was seeing each other for about 3 months he don't live where I am but he was working here anyway it was great for the 1st 3 months then he stop working down here and he only ring and text me when he was at work in day time when it used to be every night on weekday he has an ex partner that he live with they have children together but he saying there not together no more he only there to support her got she got dispersion and wouldn't cope with the kids. We didn't speak for like 6 months and he rings me again coz he down here I just dunno what to do as I'm madly in love with him after everything with my ex I trusted him and everything but now I dunno what to do he don't know that I love him I'm scared of telling me as it's not ment to be relationship just a bit of fun but now he telling me that he really misses me I dunno what to do I don't want get hurt again.
Thanks x
Hello Jane,
I have a question and I've been really struggling with this situation and I'm looking for some advice. I'm 20 years old and my boyfriend and I (same age) have been dating for 10 months now. He is my other half, but recently we had just spent 4 straight days together (including me sleeping over etc.) and so now he is at his home and I'm at my own...which is completely understandable, we're both just taking some time for ourselves. Anyways, yesterday night he went out with his buddies which is obviously fine, but his plans for tonight are what's bothering me. He is hanging out with a group of friends (most of them female, in fact I don't even think there's going to be any males) and yes he is very trustworthy so I do trust him, it's those other girls that I don't trust. The reason I found out about his plans with them for tonight though was because two days ago while driving me home, I had told him I would call him on (said night) to discuss new years plans, and then he told me about how he's going out on said night to drink with his friends (all those girls) who are his very close high school theatre friends. He added in quickly that I could come if I wanted, but he never brought it up again, and it wasn't discussed further so I don't feel welcome. What really frustrates me is that I KNOW that he would feel a little discomforted by me going out with a group of my guy theatre best friends but in the past I've made sure to tell him that it's all platonic and he's actually met them a couple of times, because I brought him along to those events, but what really bothers me is that I've only ever met two of the girls ONCE and it was just a quick introduction. His ex cheated on him horribly, and he always says that he would never do anything to hurt me, but what also worries me is the fact that the only reason I was able to find out about him going out with these girls is because I said I would call him to discuss new years plans that night. This entire post sounds so incredibly clingy, and I'm owning up to that but I'm just generally uncomfortable with him going out with a group of girls alone. I've been out with him and his high school guy friends before and some of the girls showed up (I don't think they were the theatre girls) but one of them was flirting with him right in front of me. In fact, his buddy who is now also a good friend of mine was like, "That girl is totally hitting on him, do something!" I've also seen pictures of him and this girl (from before me and him started dating) who is going to be there tonight and they've looked very cuddly in the photos, and he's told me before that she's a family friend but it makes me very uncomfortable, especially since he rarely tells me anything about her...the only thing I know is that she has a "boyfriend now" in the words of my boyfriend. If anything that should make me feel better, but it doesn't because I just don't understand why he doesn't want me there.
Thanks so much for your help.
the same thing happened to me 7 years ago i was in a relationship with a guy and i loved him at the time. he done all of the above every single one of them in fact when i think about it now i never really knew him. so we finished the relationship but for a few months we stayed in contact after that the messages seemed to sizzle out. i changed my number and 7 years later this year Monday the 22nd 3 days before Christmas eve he turns up at my door with a card and he had the cheek to put his mobile number in it too. you think its a joke nope it actually happened now were texting each other as he says he wants another try at our relationship. 7 years later but what i'm trying to figure out is why that long to come back and what does he want? or what are his motives if you could help id be grateful thank you 🙂
You can take the direct approach and ask him directly, or you can proceed with caution and let time tell; whatever you're most comfortable with is what matters. A lot can happen in 7 years and with your history, you certainly have every right to know who he is now and why he's arrived at your door. Regardless of what he says, take it slow and let his actions say more than his words. Don't get so caught up in the fantasy of him coming back after all this time that you forget to let him show you that he's on the same page as you!
thank you Jane for you're advice. i have asked him but he never seems to give me a convincing answer but i was thinking about taking it slower this time around with him and see what happens but thank you again so much and happy new year hope you have a great 2015 🙂
Then you have your answer in his unconvincing answer, Paula. See if that tells you more than what you really need to know. It's when you take it slow, taking your time, that you find out what's really there beyond any words he could say. I wish you all the best for a beautiful Happy New Year, too!
Im going thru this with a crush who I thought I had a chance with he said he liked me to but also told me that theres other girls that like him that hurted me and I can get any guy I want but I tend to try to stick around him..he told me he going thru alot...i kind of think he lying cause he always online talking to somebody smh im letting go slowly its hard tho
I think that my guy loves me
I wrote you previously on here and I have another question and need some of your advice I hope this may reach you. I recently saw my ex, although I told myself I did not want to be with him again and it helped the loneliness. I refused to be intimate with him but he stayed the night. He held me though out the night and kissed me on my neck and when I reached over to kissed him close to his mouth. He rejected me with a comment and said dont kiss me on my mouth when you have been with others guys and did this and that with them. He has no proof that I have been with other guys. It hurt me when he said this and it didnt add up, I became hurt and angry and told him to leave and I dont want to see him ever again. He went to his car and came back up asking to talk to me and hold me. I didnt want to hear it , he said thats how he feels. How can you say i am your baby and hold me and caress me but a kiss on the mouth is too much? He said he doesnt kiss any *bitches* on the mouth. Yet when were together before a lot of things happened that went way beyond the sentence he made. I didnt undertstand. So my question is what do you think is really going on with this persons mind? why would he drive an hour to see me and we left on bad terms once again. It hurts me so much because I enjoyed him holding me and for a minute I thought his feelings were real.
Hope to hear back from you,
Anna
You can put all your time and energy into wondering what's going on with him and why he does what he's doing, or you can ask yourself how this feels to you. Is this what you want? Is this what you're looking for? Only you know what you can live with and what you can't, Anna. I know I say this so much but it really is true. No one else can know what he's worth to you, what overlooking what you want is worth to you in exchange for what he gives you. When you decide that for yourself, when you can answer those questions that tell you so much, you'll know so much more clearly whether you want to play this game with him or not, or whether it's time to get off this roller coaster. Trust yourself; you always know.
Hi Jane, glad that I come here.. I think I have problem similar with number 5. We have known each other online for 1.5 month, and the distance between us is just an hour of train. I really value honesty and he is aware of that. So I am a really open girl.. I tell him many information.. He seems really interesting of me, and even said have been praying for me since we first met online.. he seems wise and adult. The problem is he really cant open up.. Until know we are communicating by emails, he only give details about his first name, his job (but not the office name), and a pic (which given just last week 1 month 1 week after we met, which I have asked before but I was rejected said he isnt comfortable yet). He never give me phone number until now, but I have given my number long way before. He give me nickname Sweet and always picture a future with me, give me song like Mirrors and Because of you, saying he wont let go of me. He seems mature, but his actions kind of confusing me. He once told me in the beginning that he cant trust someone easily.. and we still communicating by email, he even once said will add me to have convo in messenger but it hasnt yet happened. I am now ask him to stop contacting me for several days, as I need to contemplate, he give me space, but he doesnt know this is all about him. I am confused how can you say to someone that you really love him but dont want to open up? He said he will definitely tell story about him or his family, but until now I now nothing. Btw, next week I will have bday and he know that. Should I wait to know what he will probably do? Or should I just turn atound and run right now? He is really sweet really, we have surprisingly many common interets and hobby.. also interest in christianity.. I really like him, but to be hanged like this, where he may feel comfortable while Im not is just a little too much.
So you're finding out what he's like, Dakun, and what he's comfortable with and what he's not. Does this work for you? That's the question to ask yourself. It's never about the details we think it is; it's about the bigger picture of whether or not you can live with him like this right now, assuming he's not going to drastically change his comfort level here. Two people on the same page about the things that matter is what a healthy relationship requires. Don't wait around to see what he does or doesn't do; live your life without worrying about him or what he's going to do. Celebrate your own birthday with someone who wants to make plans with you and doesn't leave you wondering whether they're going to remember that it's even your birthday. When we set ourselves up for disappointment by having unrealistic expectations that someone doesn't even know they're supposed to live up to, you only hurt yourself. Because you're the only one who knows what you can live with, what you need to be happy, and what your dealbreakers are. Be true to yourself and everything else will fall into place and become clear for you, not what anyone else thinks you should be, because they're not you.
Hi Jane,I have been dating a guy for 2months.he has never told me he loves me.but any time he feels horny that is the only time he calls me to come over @ his house,afta having sex dats all.its kip goin on for 2months.he's never told me about himself that much.and alwys tell me to stay in d bedroom anytime he's friends comes around....I was so scared of leaving him cos I love him verymuch but I cudnt get d love and friendship I needed from him.anytime I try talkin about how he's been treating me,he would tell me I have to wait that he's just tryin to recover from his past r/ship,even when I told him to take son time off to get healed emotionally.he said no.I couldn't bear it anymore so I called it quit today,but OK still feel hurt cos I still love him and I Don't know how to get over him.pls help me!
Ask yourself what exactly it is you love about this guy, Kim, who only calls you when he wants sex and has you stay in the bedroom when his friends come around. How are you ok with this? Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this? Of course you couldn't bear it anymore! Focus on you, on why you put up with this kind of treatment of you for so long and who he represents to you. You deserve so much more than this, and in time, you will have moved on to a place where you can so clearly see this, too.
hey kim Im a 15 year old girl i am crazy and outgoing and funny i have a crush on this guy who is sporty quiet and shy he never liked anyone before also a Straight A student . i met him the first day of this school year he sat by me 🙂 and i said hi and a couple of days later i flirt with him people started to think i like him so i descided to tell him when i did he blushed to a red and he is not white he is a puertorican tone and well he said i was rly pretty and pretty to alot of people and he would blush when im mentioned in the convo but then i hear he says he didnt like me well doesnt like me or anyone so i stop talking to him for weeks only when i had too i apologized bc i felt like i was rushing he said noo its okay! and yeah i stopped talking to him and he started to stare at me and look at me and stare for atleast a min when i laughed ! I caught him a couple of times and i smiled and he smiled back and others he turned his head . he mentioned me when a girl and his sister asked who he liked he said i was just a friend and then now a guy friend says he called two other girls pretty and the other of the two cute . and when i descided to talk to him he would play with desk drawers and move his chair back n forth and ask me questions and smile then some days he wont even pay attention to me he gets headaches bc he fell 25 ft people tell me thats y and now i talk to him and he gets nervous alittle i get NERVOUS and say stupid stuff at the beginning my heart is like beating fast ... and he would laugh and smile when he talks to and he would still stare at me too i am soo confused on if he likes me or not ... help me ?
i meant jane 🙂 not kim
Kim,
I hope you learn how to value and respect yourself. He surely doesn't. Same has happened to me. Soon he will get enough and move to the next. Move on! There is one better for you. Prayers for you.
I've been in a relationship for dix years snd he was maddly in love with me but we starting fighting alot because he started talking to other girls he now tells me he not in love with me anymore but he scared to loss me I love him but I don't know what to do he wants to try again but then he says he confused what should I do
I pray you dumped that guy. I went through the same around august. he is stringing you along. The guy was stringing me along to after the 6 month. he only got involved with you on a serious level, to have sex the way he wants. Now he is full from it, and want to move on. Trust me I been though it. Leave him and go straight to clinic.
Is this the same as not committing to you? I
Hi Jane
I was hoping for a little insight into some hard choices ahead of me. First of all I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world, I have never seen a guy treat a girl as well as he treats me and in 3 years we have not had a single fight. It has always been so very easy for us to be together. BUT after 3 years he is showing zero signs of wanting to make a life together, or movie our relationship to the next level. I see him 3 days a week exactly always the same 3 days, and I have never been invited over to his apartment( I am a single mom and it is more convenient for him to visit me then me him as he lives on the other side of town and neither of us has a car... but still).
He has always been up front with me in that he likes to take his time and when we started dating this suited me fine as my last relationship ended badly and I too wanted to go slow. I have though made it clear to him that ultimately I do want to get married that it's something important to me. I do not expect for it to happen tomorrow or anything like that but it would be nice if he seemed interested in even having that conversation ( I have brought it up once or twice over the past 3 years to make sure he understood how I felt and to see if I could get some idea where he was in regards to a real commitment) So although I have had a hard time swallowing that he still has no interest or motivation to be more then just a casual boyfriend I was willing to give him all the time he needed.
Recently however he was invited to a wedding and I know I was included in this invitation... he did not extend that invitation to me. He is now at the wedding (it's in another city) and I am hurt and angry and not sure what to make of this. I have met both his mother and father and his sibling (only a handful of times but he does not see them all that much either) in the past and this would have been one of the very few chances I would get the chance to meet his extended family and get to know his father better (he lives very far away) I was trying very hard to not let it bother me so as not to be a clingy girlfriend but have conceded that just because I don't think it should be upsetting, does not change the fact that it is upsetting. Basically I am not sure what to think anymore about the relationship I am in and am worried that he is "just not that into me" anymore.
Thanks
Christina
DEAR JANE
I APPRECIATE MOST YOUR ARTICLES AND I JUST WANTED TO HEAR YOUR ADVICE ON WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. I was only with this guy for 2 months that I met off a dating website. I knew he was in the process of having twins in the beginning.so basically I knew he had of baby mother that was about to give birth to twins.the relationship started off fast and he came to see me about 4 days a week or more. We got along perfectly and we had good times together. What had happened was I got upset because he never told the baby mother about me even though it was 2 months and I'm not sure if I was soon or not but i felt like she should know since he was spending so much time with me. Wednesday I went through his phone and I found that they were having a conversation and she was telling him that she loved him and when is he going to come see the kids.this was a few days after she gave birth he was down there at the hospital for about 4 days. So he had told me she had no way of talking to on the cell phone when it went through his phone I found the he was talking to her via text.that was a red flag to me which also was a red flag is that she was telling him that he she loved him and he was saying the same thing to her and it wasn't adding up to me.he had her thinking he was in the mountains for a few days.she asked are you going to be coming to see the kids soon . Long story short I'm still here thinking about him he hasn't called me in almost 4 weeks and Here I am still thinking about him wondering why he hasn't tried to chase me or get me back. Every guy that I have been with and that has done me wrong is trying to get me back in some type of way in a way it gives me some sort of power if you wiEvery guy that I have been with and that has done me wrong is trying to get me back in some type of way in a way it gives me some sort of power if you will. I feel guilty for some reason I feel guilty because I feel like I missed out on something good.but I think that's just my loneliness talking.I just wanna know why he hasn't tried to get me back because he was in the wrong.I'm sure the answer you're going to give me is that he's moved on and that's why he hasn't tried calling me.who knows maybe he's actually became a father now. when I sit here and think about it: I'm only 22 years old and I dont think im ready to be in a relationship with somebody that had kids with somebody and have to lie to me and the baby mother about what's going on. his excuse for lyingwas he didn't want it to coming between him seeing the kids. I hope you can give me some sort of insight on this I appreciate your advice thank you
"I'm sure the answer you're going to give me is that he's moved on and that's why he hasn't tried calling me.who knows maybe he's actually became a father now. when I sit here and think about it: I'm only 22 years old and I dont think im ready to be in a relationship with somebody that had kids with somebody and have to lie to me and the baby mother about what's going on." - Exactly, Anna. And the best advice of all? Don't ever become involved with someone who still belongs to someone else, who's in the process of becoming a father to someone else's children, or confused about whether he wants to be with the mother of his child or children. There's never anything good that can come out of this type of situation except a lot of pain and heartbreak for everyone involved, and especially the innocent children.
Refuse to become involved with men like this, and you'll find that you'll never be wondering if you're "missing out on out on something good" that's meant for you - and right for you, Anna. Love is never complicated when it's between two people who on the same page to begin with, who want the same thing with each other, and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You have your whole life ahead of you! Take your time to truly get to know someone and see if he's truly worthy of you - not the other way around.
We all have regrets, Anna, we all have things we want to change about our pasts, but it's never too late to start fresh, to begin anew to live in a way that you can live with yourself and let go of the guilt, the blame and the shame that so often keeps us doing the same things over and over again. Today is always a new day!
Jane,
Good advice to Anna. Sad these younger women don't understand how they are being used as a filler. What women allow, men without Character and integrity will surely take advantage of. Love is distorted these days because we have strayed from biblical principles. Prayers to all who have not first found their value to God. The God of all Nations and color.
Hi Jane,
Number 1 and 2, and other similar issues apply to my relationship and I've always been troubled by them. I'm torn between feeling that I'm most important to him through some of his actions and debating whether I'm truly his priority through his other actions. I know that he spends most of his free time with me but I feel hurt in times when he would prefer to have time to himself. I often do wonder if I have insecurity issues as I like to know where he is at all times. I do not ask but expect him to let me know if he is going to be somewhere other than work or home, but sometimes he does not do this and it makes me feel insecure as if I dont know anything about him, even though in my heart I know that he is commited to me. I feel like these things are only in my head one moment, but the next I am afraid that my insecurities are substantiated. I can tell a good relationship from a bad one but is so much more difficult to judge when I am currently involved in the relationship!
You're not alone, Ree; it is always more difficult to see things clearly when we are so emotionally invested in a relationship! When we put someone up on a pedestal - often without even realizing we're even doing this - our insecurities can run rampant. When we take a step back and remember what we bring to the table, what we have to offer, when we remember that we're doing the choosing, we shift the power back to ourselves - so we can let him be him just as we remain true to ourselves. It's when we have that mindset that we're able to watch and observe without needing to control or make something happen so that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't make or break us. Trust that if the two of you are on the same page and want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, it will! That's the only kind of relationship you want - and deserve.
Hi Jane,
Thanks so much for what you write. It helps me a lot. He was trying to a pproached me since 2012 and
he was very sweet. To be honest I didn't realise that he had interest in me. Until few months ago, everything became clear and I started to fell in love with him.
But without any reason, these last 1month suddenly he just pulles himself and left all the puzzle behind.
I was really confused and hurt. But after analysing our relationship, there were certain vagueness that I just notice.
Thanks Jane, ..i have sorted out my feeling. I feel a bit better....
I'm so glad these are helping you, Lina, and that you're seeing the vagueness that can be so hard to see at the time. Be so glad you found this out early, before you spent any more time and energy invested in someone who wasn't on the same page as you. You deserve so much more!
Hello I'm Joan, I am responding, because I you used the word vagueness. That is the word that I have been using to my manfiend for some time..he is vague on things nd o I ask him other questions then he says he is tired cause he worked so hard and wants to sleep..what has happened is that I fel bad about asking him questions n i stopped asking him about things I world like to know..we are still together but I am not really happy..
Hey Jane 😀 it's my first time reading on your blog and I got to say u did a very clear and understanding list there! I'm personally facing problem with this one guy I'm with at the moment.. I gave him the sun and the moon I loved him regardless.. I could just ignore his flaws and his selfish attitude.. he's always giving time to his friends and he never really gave much time to me. We are in a LDR currently and it's been 1 year and 2 months to be exact. I've been always trying to tolerate him and I don't keep secrets with him as well. I tell him what's going on in my life and I always try to spend time with him when I get to. But he doesn't even put a slight single effort in the whole relationship. I get tired sometimes and as I get fed up I tends to get a bit emotional but I'm pretty good at restraining them as he doesn't like when I'm emotional, so I'm always restraining myself. Yesterday we had a chat and I requested to Skype him and watch some movies with him. But he gave me the same answer he gave me last year.. I was so hurt I felt like all the effort and understanding I gave him last year was effortless. I got hurt and I just told him to think about things and answer me if we should even be together anymore. I love him a lot and I really did do everything just to make him happy.. I spent money on him as well when he told me he always wanted certain stuff I always bear them in my and save up to buy him one. But yeah last night he told me he don't get why I'm so crazy in love with him.. I don't really know what to do and I stumble upon ur blog and I'm amazed 😀 I be referring to ur blog a lot more from now on ^-^ thanks once again to I Jane for the wonderful post and others for the great feedbacks 😀 made me feel that I'm not alone 🙂
I'm so glad this helped with where you're at and knowing you're not alone, Elaine. That's half the battle! Welcome! 🙂
Should I wait for him Jane or should I take the first step to reconcile
As I know my last mg was heart breaking for him...
Leave him! Or settle with second best for your life. He may says he loves you, but this is not what love looks like. Read the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. I learned much. You deserve to be valued and loved. Men need respect but he does not earn it. Be blessed.
There is so much more Jane I think I can write endlessly about him.
Shazia
There's something about writing it all out that is so therapeutic, Shazia; write as much as you need to 🙂
Are you in love or or lust? Do you value yourself? Study Co dependency and narcissistic behaviors.. If you choose to stay in this toxic relationship then that is your choice. Don't expect change. God loves and values you. John 3:16.
I'm very confused he keeps saying leave me and go disconnect the call don't talk to me etc when we fight but I still keep calling and he answers my call at the fourth time and says what now why u troubling and when I ask him is okay okay if I break up with u he says your wish and he never says go ahead and break up after continuously fightingiI suddenly tell him I Love you to this he says why are you telling this now you wanted to break up na
And then he says I love you more than a hundred times and I reply too
Why I get confused is when he happy he is a complete different person and when he is angry I feel he is a complete different man
When there is no one at his place and he plan a date at his place he make lunch and also feeds me and I feed him tooiI specially make lunch for him n give him on 26 may 2014 I had a fight with him coz he had lot of porn in his phone for which he said I don't even watch it those are just what's app videos my friends sent but I still don't believe he called me 15 times after that I didn't answer his calls because his he told break up and let me free so for a change I disconnected the phone and I be not been talking to his since then
So he mged say even u talk non sense I didn't mean it
Along with a stupid video where a call keeps changing her boyfriends every time she finds a richer person
See this vedio I got very furious n mged him if I was also of such character I would have been happily married long back to a rich dog...
And after this mg I think he is too upset he didn't call back nor did I
Its been 2days now I'm missing him I guess he is missing to..
I'm not sure if I should call him this time...
And I feel he loves me more than me...
Every time we are together be it with his family or just us he always gazes at me...
With a smile
I love him...
Actions always say so much more than words, Shazia; it's up to you to decide what you can live with and what you can't with someone who has two very different sides to him.
I've been dating a guy for past 3yrs, had been doing everything possible to keep both of us happy
But from last 4-5 months its not been the same whenever we had a fight its mostly me who has to call back n make up he never calls.. after a fight hardly 2-3 times he must have but every Sunday he spends with me even if he has any family time planned he still makes at least an hour for me but Sunday after a fight he doesn't show up
He has introduced me to his family just with in a month , when we started dating he is a typical Muslim therefore he restricts a few things where free mixing of people otherwise he always says yes
He takes my stand in front of his family and he buys gifts but 70% of the time he never keeps up his promises very forgetful I call him everyday 40-50 times and he answers my calls always even if he is in the meeting with boss or seminars he picks my call but doesn't talk in these situations every time we start talking at least 30 mins call
But he upset very easily the way of thinking is similar but he find me tomboy and expects me to be more girly which I even try but... its difficult his family is very Orthodox whereas I'm not so he feels I'm a miss match to his family
So whenever we fight since I'm little more educated than him he says" why are you stuck up with me I'm not suitable enough you can find a more educated guy than me...'"
Any day he Is not able to give me enough time he apologizes for it
He is very sweet and loving but when we fight he disconnects the call he says when he is angry he prefers to stay silent than dragging the issue ... and I still keep calling and after 6-10 calls back to back we make up
Every morning I go to his house before going to work and the day I take leave he pass by my house can calls out
My parents are unaware of this and he tries to fulfill all my needs
But I don't give him enough time some times
Every vacation I up till late night or awake all nite end up sleeping in morning and wake up at 1or 2 in afternoon he gets very upset and angry for this + that I didn't calls all this while
"he still makes at least an hour for me"
"but 70% of the time he never keeps up his promises"
"I call him everyday 40-50 times"
"but he find me tomboy and expects me to be more girly which I even try"
"he says" why are you stuck up with me I'm not suitable enough you can find a more educated guy than me...'"
"But I don't give him enough time some times"
Reread what you wrote here, Shazia; I've pulled just a few of your words that stood out as I was reading this. It sounds like you're forgetting that you're always the one doing the choosing, not him. If you have to try to be something you're not, if you're chasing him and he's still feeling like you don't give him enough, this sounds very one-sided from here. When you use phrases like "he still makes at least an hour for me", it sounds like you're surprised someone gives you this much of their time. But when you're with someone who's on the same page as you, who wants the same thing you do with you and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, they don't just make time for you, they actually want to be with you and spend time with you and talk to you and make plans with you and be with you. Only you know how much of this is cultural, but regardless of what is going on with him, you deserve to be loved for who you are by someone who is truly compatible with you. You're clearly finding out what his terms are by his behavior and actions with you, my question for you is do you know what your own terms are?
Back then in 2014, I had no idea where I was heading. But, today I'm not the same. I had the courage to walk away I gave importance to my self respect that was lost in midst of holding on to him. So I let him go. I broke up!! And now he is married has an year old daughter. His marriage is on rocks. I have no clue about reasons though.
And after that I have quote messed up.
To get over Jim I got attracted to a family friend that time after break up was critical l, and this guy came as a pacifier and to cut the story short he was a Casanova, a male chauvinist. I lost my soul to him. He ruined it beyond repair, he never loved only used. It went on till 7 nov 2016. And now I have a virtual friend to get over him... And move on..
So basically i myself have no idea what let be is. I'm chasing my need. I haven't understood my want and love yet.
How are things now? Have you gotten better?
Hopefully you have yourself time to heal without getting into another relationship. Hopefully you now know what you want.
Leave him! Or settle with second best for your life. He may says he loves you, but this is not what love looks like. Read the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. I learned much. You deserve to be valued and loved. Men need respect but he does not earn it. Be blessed.
Hi, I'm having serious relationship problems. I don't quite think my boyfriend meets anything on this list but man am I ever confused! Every so often in my relationship I fear that maybe we want different lives and that it would be best to seperate...but we both love each other very much and want to make it work
I hate how easy it is for people nowadays to just end it. Simple. I don't want to give up what we have, we've already shared so much. So how the heck am I supposed to know If we CAN work it out or if it's just not meant to be.
It's entirely possible that I overthink EVERYTHING.
Thanks for your time!
Keep living your own life and focusing on you, Laura. We sometimes get caught up in overthinking when we're led more by our culture and the media and our inherent belief systems that tell us what love and relationships "should" be like, rather than listening to our own hearts and minds. When we shift the focus to ourselves and creating our own full lives, filling our own cups full of the things and people that bring us happiness, what someone else does or doesn't do becomes less important as our lives on the whole and how we live them.
Time will always reveal if you're both on the same page and want the same thing in your relationship. If two people are meant to be together, they will be together but only if they both want the same thing with each each and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You'll know, Laura. Trust yourself, over time, as you're being yourself and living your own life, everything will become more clear. It's only not meant to be if someone doesn't want it to be. It's always a choice - for both of you.
I found your website while looking for ways to comfort and guide my 16 year old daughter through her first heartbreak - have you considered a book for teens on dating. I have tried to give her some advice but I am worried that I am mixing my emotions into the equation - I know logically that my heartbreak at her age is not the same as hers but why do I feel such strong emotions about what she is going through
Her feelings - and what she's going through - are probably triggering some old long-forgotten familiar feelings in you, Renee. It makes sense, since we store so many memories in our minds even if we don't recall them all until something triggers us that brings it all back. Try to listen, to really validate her feelings, to be there for her by your presence, more than anything you might try to say to her. What she needs more than anything else is to be heard - to feel heard - and to know that someone is there for her. More than anything you can say to her, it's this that will help her the most. Know that you can't fix it, you can't make it all better no matter how much you want to. You can also direct her to my posts about rejection and heartbreak when she's ready to hear something that might help her know she's not alone in what she's going through, and there is another way of looking at this.
As for these emotions that are coming up for you, I have found journalling -writing out my feelings - to be one of the most therapeutic exercises in healing. If you haven't already, start a journal, and write out everything that's coming up for you. Remember that this is her experience, and as you've wisely realized, it can be all too easy to bring our own emotions and feelings into the picture, so remind yourself that this is her time, and yours can be on paper or through a conversation with a supportive friend at another time.
Writing a book for teen girls - a life stage that is very near and dear to my own heart - is a project I have my eye on down the road, so it's interesting you mention this. It's beautiful that she has you, Renee, and that you want to help her like this. 🙂
Hi Jane. We sms every night. and call each other 3 times a day. but meanwhile he always forgot when he promise to call me. And he had rules about how often we will meet, only once in a week! I am angry about this, but how can a girl tell a guy that i want to see you, the guy should take initiation. He always say he is busy and he spent most of his time and efforts in the company. And he will tell some bad jokes about love which made me very sick. But when we r together, he is very gentleman, and he is doing charity. In a word, he hit most of the 14 warnings in half time, and meanwhile doing sth opposite to these warnings in another half time. Making me headache yaaaaaaa!
I so hear where you're coming from Wen, that sound that we utter when we get so tired of trying to figure him out, to change something about him to make it all that it could be. If only ... we say.
Tell him by your actions, Wen; they say so much more than your words alone. It's all about deciding for yourself what you can and can't live with, whether these inconsistencies in his behavior are dealbreakers or not. Only you know what he means to you, what being with him is worth to you. He's clearly defined his own terms of the relationship, now it's up to you to raise the bar and set the standard for how you are willing to be treated!
Remember that you are in control here, my beautiful friend, even if it doesn't feel that way; you are!
Jane, I just broke up with someone who I really was crazy about, but he just was hitting many of the areas on your list. The ones that really resonated were him still having his life and having no idea where he was and what he was doing. He was always pretty vague and with his feelings too. I have been sad but also working on me because I realize that I do not want to settle for less than feeling love, nor do I want to devalue myself. It does not matter if you miss the person if they never really "saw" you to begin with. You really get to the heart of the matter and say some true and healing words to women on the mend.
"It doesn't matter if you miss the person if they never really "saw" you to begin with." Love how you put this, Kathleen; it's so very true.
We miss someone but we eventually discover we really didn't know them as well as we thought we did and they didn't really know us in the way that matters. We usually miss the idea of them more than the reality of them. The fantasy we create in our minds of what could be, if only they were everything we think they could be. That potential again.
Thanks for your kind words, Kathleen; I had to learn so much of this the hard way so your words take me back to a different time in my life as well.
thank you so much, Jane..at this moment of my life i'm working for it, i do hope it will come out as what i wanted to be, a real person of me, not the one that i used to think that it was me.
You're so welcome, Angel. She's right there, the real you, just waiting to show you all that she is and all that she can do!
Hi Jane and Angel! I'm trying to find out which one would describe myself.. Angel you just hit it here and would love to hear how did it go with Jane's advice and how you're doing lately? Thanks!..elle
Jane,
i've been through a lot of relationships before but it didn't work out well..i became more needy and needy..it seems that its not good for me..i didn't understand myself why i became like this, so much needy and became more emotional, lots of FEARS..that's why my last relationship doesn't work out well either..i fall into his trap.. i don't know how to start a relationship and i don't know how to handle a relationship either..the biggest thing is that I DON'T KNOW MYSELF..for ten years my heart is full of hurts, i don't know what i'm going to do for myself, i wanted to start a new me, of who i was before.. no real guys would love to commit me. i kept attracting the wrong guys..at first they were good..later on they changed and then i fell into their trap that's why i kept on hurting myself, lots of confusions, my self-esteem were very low, my confidence were gone..almost about myself were gone..i want to go back of who i was before..the confidence and my self worth is there.. please help me to understand myself i need some advice. thank you..hope to hear you soon.
Your confidence and self-esteem are still there, Angel! It's a journey to know yourself, to find out who you really are - especially when you've gotten so used to being what everyone else has wanted you to be and you've gotten so used to living for everyone else except yourself. Know that this neediness, the strong emotions, the fears - these are all what we take on when we live in the place of what we believe someone else expects of us rather than living in the light of who we truly are! Of course we feel needy when we've been with ones who have left us; of course we feel fearful when we've been with ones who've left us after we opened our hearts to them and fell in love with the idea of them and all their potential - even if we were the only ones who could see it.
It all makes sense, so many of the issues we think we have if we see them as a result of what we've surrounded ourselves with. But you are not your past, Angel. You are not these things! You don't have to be needy if you can see the reality that you never have a need for someone who isn't right for you, who isn't on your page, no matter how great he seems. You don't have to be fearful if you can see the reality that there is enough of everything to go around - including men, including love - if you're not restricted to the cultural and media's view of love and what it takes to be worthy of love. If you don't know how to start a relationship or how to be in one, then wait until one comes along that naturally happens and you will know that you're with someone different.
It's a journey, Angel. It doesn't happen overnight, but the best way to start is by going easy on yourself, learning to love yourself, to accept yourself for all that you are, and by not giving yourself away to someone who isn't deserving of you!
Start each day by writing out a list of of everything that you are, everything that you have to offer and every right you have simply by being you, and then pick something to do everyday that makes you feel special, that increases your confidence in your gifts, your talents, your hobbies, your passions and reminds you that there is so much more to life than living settling for anyone else's terms! You can do this, Angel. One small step at a time.
You have described it so well! And it is all SO true! As I have gotten older I have realized the games that were played and the signs that I missed. I can related to each and every single example you have posted. This is definatly a single girls guide and Bible of things to look for!
Well said!
37 yr old happily married mom of 3 🙂
Thanks for your feedback, LuvlyT; I appreciate your words that can only come from the experience of having been there in the first place. 🙂
Jane,
Thank you so much for your articles. These are the numbers that I link myself and my relationship to above:
2, 5, 10, 11, 12, 14. So I know I really have to move on with my life and this has been going on for quite a long time with my son's father!
I really love him but I won't sit back and let him hurt me anymore. I am going to do me from now on and I mean it.
Thank you so much, you're a darling Jane!
It's so hard when you love someone like this, Denise, and yet the reality is that they don't feel the same way that you do. And when you so want them to. You deserve so much more than this! Take it in baby steps. Don't be hard on yourself for how long you've stayed or what you might have done differently. Today is a new day, and tomorrow will be too. It's never too late to start anew, again and again and again; you deserve everything wonderful that love and life have to offer, Denise.
And you don't ever deserve to be hurt like this; love is about being loved, not being hurt. You can do this. One very tiny baby step at a time. You deserve nothing less than a love that loves you back every bit as much as the love that you give. You have so much to offer, so much to give, and there will be someone else who will see exactly this.
Jane dia mine is married with two kids one is 4 nd d other 6months but we hv dated for 2 months now but he sees me twice a week nd in a hotel he jst calls nd tells u meet me here now am starting to think he only wants me for sex but still he sees other women.though i feel i love him.wat shld i do
oh you deserve so much more than this, Maronie. Look in the mirror at your beautiful self reflected back at you. Isn't she worth more than this? Ask yourself why, why are you settling for so few crumbs. In a hotel, no less. With him still seeing other women. Hold your head up high, Beautiful. There's no love there, there can't be when he's choosing another regardless of what excuses he gives you. Only you can set yourself free, but oh how you can!
Hey Jane my name is mikael i need help with my bf am gay please and thank you
Hi Jane!
First time here, read a couple of blog posts... And had to stop and congratulate you + THANK YOU! I love the way you write + communicate + express what is really important when it comes to getting true love... Will read more + your story of success! Cheers!
Thank you for your kind words, Monica; I'm so glad you found your way here!
Some men think that 'they are the GOD GIFTED for the women'' and I understand if they are,
1-DROP DEAD GORGEOUS + NICE PERSONALITY
2-İNTELLEGENT
3-WELL EDUCATED
4-RICH AND ARISTOCRAT
5-SOPHISTICATED
If they have these qualıties, FINE, I can understan that they are the GOD GIFTED for the women;-) and I would say 'HE HAS A RIGHT TO THİNK THAT, HE IS THE GIFT TO ME'' BUT IF HE DOESN'T HAVE THESE FIVE QUALITIES, THEN HE HAS TO KNOW HIS PLACE..
And even with all that, Sema, if he doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, then none of that really matters.
I have a boyfriend we live at northern cape but he is from north west problem is when he travelled to his home he don't want me to call him at night but when he is around we just live happily
Seems like there is another woman at home.
Based on the little info you've given as it doesn't make sense that you can't call him.
None of that crap matters. If they have a 'God's gift to women' attitude, they are narcissists at the very least, more likely sociopaths or psychopaths that don't care about anyone but themselves.
It's how you treat other people, and especially your partner, that counts. Even psychopaths know how to be charming and nice.
Jane,
this is the most wonderful blog I have found. I am at that point of #14- "What is wrong with me"... Its Christmas, I am going to be alone. I guess I will just have to get through it, and move on.
Bobbi
Thanks for your kind words, Bobbi. Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year to be single, especially when it's seems like everyone else has someone and seems to have some kind of magic in them that you find yourself wondering what is wrong with you. I wrote a post about how to get through this during the holidays especially that you may find comforting. Know that you are so not alone, and that having been there myself so many holiday seasons, I can honestly that it is better to be alone during this time than with the someone who may be there physically, but isn't there in that emotionally committed way that is really what we all long for.
Hi, I am so glad I came across your article. Didn't realize I was in a relationship like that. Started dating him April 2017. He never include me in the four holidays that pass by. Never introduced me to his friends he went on a picnic, concert, and never included me or on his family birthday. But he said he wanted to marry me. I did bring it up to him but he would never give me a good answer. And he would say he was going to stop by I would never show up. Or call to tell me he's not coming by. And I never spent quality time with him. Thanks for the article I hope it helps a lot of people because it helped me. Crissy.
So glad it helped you see your relationship in a clear light, Crissy. Don't ever settle for someone who doesn't show up for you in every sense of the word!
Exactly! That is where I am too at this moment. I am second guessing myself--asking myself what did I do wrong this time!
Hi Jane, I am feeling so miserable right now. I know by reading this post that the red flags were there from the beginning but there were also mixed messages. He introduced me to all of his large family straight away but they tended to be the reason he wasn't available for me. He would have to babysit his grandchildren or he would have to dog sit for his son. He often didn't phone when he said he would and it always seemed to be me that i had to make the plans to see eachother.
There were so many mixed messages as when we were together we had great times and for 5 years I overlooked some of the difficulties but then he started not bothering hardly at all and the times we saw eachother got less and less. He started to talk about things which didnt include me like a party or a wedding he had been invited to and when I asked said that I wouldnt like it! I realised then that he had started pursuing some other sort of single life when I wasn't with him and as we lived a distance from each other that was easy for him.
Eventually I just exploded and had had enough I told him I deserved more respect than this and that he could have that single life and at the age of 69 he was just a sad old man on a motorbike trying to be young again.
That was six months ago now but I am still crying , I feel he rode roughshod over my emotions and never really cared about my feeling at all.
Because you couldn't just go along with it anymore, Linda! That's the only reason we ever react like you did! When we've known the truth for so long but never said it because we didn't want to rock the boat, or make waves or have even the crumbs of a relationship cease to be given out anymore. Yes, you knew. But those mixed messages gave you something to hang onto, too. Let it be, let it go. If there was anything real there for you to hold onto, this wouldn't have been the end. You spoke your truth - and he knew you spoke his truth that he couldn't speak either. He WAS just a sad old man on a motorbike trying to be young again and there is such a sad, sad story for us to bear in recognizing a man like that who can't see his way to be anything more than that, too.
Thank you Jane.
I have been kidding myself for a long long time and because we had nice holidays together and went out for meals and had lots of great trips out I carried on. The thing that really confused me was that we had amazing sex right to the end. I didn't get that as with me if I'm not happy in a relationship sex would be the first thing to go. I don't believe all men are like that either, it is such a shallow cold thing to do and makes me look back and not believe that any of that intimacy we shared meant anything to him and often when I think back it kept me coming back for more because it was so good!
It is taking a long time to get over as I keep going over and over situations and senarios often coming up with new insight into what was really going on. I know it will go eventually but because this was my first relationship for 20 years since being hurt and then being ill for years it has shattered my confidence and as you can imagine has put me back into my shell. I have started comfort eating again which I haven't for years and I hate myself for it!
Jane, this is an EXCELLENT list! If more women would TRUST THEIR INSTINCTS, they would not waste weeks, months, years, or in some cases decades of their lives. Regardless of what men say, men SHOW us exactly how they feel about us. I've found that if a woman ever has to ask herself if she is in a relationship OR if the man is even into her, he's not.
Tara - you're too funny! 🙂
oh jane... i agree with all these warning signs!! esp 10. there's no such thing as a "platonic friendship" after the age of 10! and that's something i made very clear to all my boyfriends (i said all like i've had 15 when it's a total of 2 serious ones! haha ) and as far as my own single male friends... well i lied and told my boyfriends at the time that they were gay... so this way they would be okay with us hanging out!
^ i've grown up a lot since then^ 😉
Not necessarily true. I have tons of platonic guy friends, but out of respect for my relationship with my husband, I would never see them without him. Even though my husband and I are separated for many of the above reasons while he sorts things out, I would not want to cause him the insecurity in me that he causes.
I have tons of platonic guy friends, too, sorry. I'm a musician/singer and the vast majority of the folks I've worked with over the years have been male. Also grew up in a neighborhood that was pretty much dominated by males (there were only two females, me and one other neighbor) so most of my oldest/dearest friends from childhood are guys.
My bf has a problem with me meeting his women friends he calls me insecure and jealous and told me I dont need to know how many women friends he has .
F that noise. You aren't insecure, he's just a sneaky, gas-lighting DOUCHEBAG.
I love that response. Awesome
I have a problem with my partner we've been dating more than 4 years now we start staying together last year january and ever since we staying together he is changing he always going out coming home late or in de morning we hardly talk about ask we hardly have sex we stay more than 3month without sex i need yo help plz we have 2 beautiful girls
Awww sorry but I am also musician and a singer and we both know they all want to bang you, and at a moments notice you could have your pick of the litter. Perhaps, there might
Be one or two that you might want to bed instead, either way men and women cannot be friends unless one is repulsed by the other. There is always one person that would sleep with or be willing to be with the other. Usually, secretly, one is in love with the other and spends years pining away hoping someday something with break because they don’t have the balls to say something. But let’s be really here, most men, if presented with it, will take up the offer. They do not behave the way woman do, that’s why we are
Women and they are men. Your men have a reason to be insecure ladies, because they know exactly why those dudes are your friends lmfao! In addition any woman trying to be friends with your man is up
To
No good. Either she needs it to feed her ego or carry out some weird daddy issue/vindictive manipulative scheme that involves anyone she can. It’s just all
Together not
Appropriate after you
Grow up to have opposite sex friendships unless it is couples. Be honest with yourselves, we are only human.
This comment is incredibly regressive, not to mention WRONG. It would help to know your age or age group. People my age (born late 80s) make opposite sex friends much easier knwing that society isn't still pressuring them to stay apart due to sexist stereotyping that either MALES CAN'T CONTROL THEMSELVES or WOMEN ARE TOO EMOTIONAL. My generation is vastly more independent, and the one after it, whether that means LDRs, NSA sex, open relationships, FWBs, or platonic m/f frienships.
I usually attract men that could (or HAVE) graced the covers of fashion magazines, on top of the avg joes, yet, almost NONE of my male friends have ever hit on me. And I have male friends of various attractiveness, some very attractive. Only 2 or 3 have ever been worth my flirting, and one turned me down for years! To this day we are friends! I gave long time ago. And of those friends, Ive never had EMOTIONAL feelings toward anym, just attraction. We humans are indeed capable of controling our feelings, even if you aren't! I dumped the last man who wouldnt let me have male friends. That's just ridiculous, and regressive.