Why is it always so hard to "just move on"?
It’s because you can’t move on from you.
You can’t move on from what you should have done differently, what you should have known, what you should have seen, what you should have been.
It tears at your heart and soul every time you begin to think of anything else.
If only I hadn't __________ (you fill in the blank with your own words).
If only I had __________ (you fill it in again).
Along with the heartbreak comes so much blame, so much shame, so much finger pointing, but underneath whoever or whatever you’re struggling to let go of, lies the reality that this is so much about you.
It comes naturally, this blaming ourselves when something doesn't work out, this pattern we've fallen into over the years. It begins innocently enough with someone else blaming us for not knowing better, but eventually, it becomes our own pattern. Disguised as something else, but always about ourselves.
You can’t move on because you’re not done with you yet.
You have one more thing to say to yourself, one more lesson to give yourself, one more thing to hang onto before you’re ready to say “enough”.
So what if instead of fighting it, you allowed yourself to accept it instead? To accept that there’s something you’re not done with here that’s holding you here. What if you took yourself in your arms and held you close enough to whisper “it’s OK” in your ear?
What if instead of beating yourself up for still going back there, for still thinking and talking about it, you accepted this too about yourself. And didn't instantly gravitate back to that familiar pattern of thinking there must be something wrong with you since you can’t move on, can’t go back, and can’t seem to do anything that anyone tells you to do to feel better.
You know what? You don’t answer to anyone besides you.
You’re the only one you have to be able to live with. So whatever anyone else says you should be able to do, whatever anyone else thinks about how long it’s taking you to move on with your life, they’re not you.
Because of all the things that contributed to my feeling like there was something so wrong with me as I was going through my share of heartbreak, not even the heartbreaks themselves, but the feeling I always had that I should be farther along than I was, that I should be able to just let go and move on, was the one that always did the most damage. After all, was my reasoning at the time, if everyone else seemed to be able to do it, what on earth was wrong with me?
And do you know where that led? To more of the same!
Not to the real changes I was seeking, not to the real answers I was looking for, but instead to more of this self-loathing, more of this harshness towards myself, more of this feeling of hopelessness that I would never get to where I needed to be because there was something inherently flawed in me.
It’s why we feel so lonely, so alone in what we’re going through because we leave ourselves; we desert ourselves right when we need to love and accept ourselves the most.
Because there’s no one who treats us the way we do when we hold ourselves to these unrealistic standards we set for ourselves.
These standards don’t take into account where we are right now, they don’t consider how much we've been through and yet how far we've come. Our standards have no grace in them, only judgment.
And we’re our own harshest critics.
We reflect the voices we’ve carried with us since our first beginnings in the world, where we learned what was wrong with us, before we learned what was right.
So just for a moment, let’s do things different this time.
Let’s accept where we are in our journeys.
Let’s give ourselves the grace to make "mistakes", which aren’t really mistakes as much as they’re our personally tailored learning experiences.
Let’s accept that we’re doing the best we can with what we know and we’ll do better next time as we come to know more.
Let’s stop hating ourselves by our actions and our words, and instead start showing ourselves a little love and compassion for where we’re starting from.
And then, let’s talk about moving on.
When you’re ready, in your own time, when you can see things more clearly on your own terms, not on anyone else’s.
This acceptance of ourselves, this compassion towards ourselves is so foreign to so many of us who've only ever known what we’re doing wrong or what we need to do different.
You’ll get there, I promise you will. You’ll get where you need to be sometime soon, but the way to do it isn't by repeating this familiar pattern of harshness and judgment that doesn't serve anyone well, let alone you with your sensitive, tender heart.
Start where you are, start with what you know.
Is it loving? Is it compassionate? Is it the truth?
If it’s not, it has no place in your life. You can’t expect anyone to treat you the way you deserve to be treated until you change this way you insist on treating yourself.
It always starts with you!