Just for a moment, I want you to forget about everything you think you know about what a real, healthy relationship feels like.
We’ve got a problem here, because we think we know, but the reality is, we don’t. We can’t. Not when we’ve been where we’ve been and gone through what we’ve gone through. Not when our relationship gauge is up when it’s supposed to be down.
If I’ve lost you here, stay with me for a minute and picture a compass.
It’s going to automatically point north because of the magnet in there. Now imagine your relationship radar as a compass (you know where I’m going with this.) It’s pointing south (or east, or west), not north.
And it’s OK. It’s not your fault.
We’re going to help you get your compass pointing north on its own so that you can recognize a real, authentic, healthy relationship in the future when you’re automatic magnetic attraction points you in the opposite direction. The south instead of north which is where you really want to be.
And it is a magnetic attraction, I know. I’ve been there before and I know how strong that pull can be.
Yes, that pull is real. And strong. And hard to resist.
Now, here’s the part we want to learn for the first time. Like learning to read or write, we’re learning together how to have a real relationship that makes us (I want you to get this part, so I'm going to spell it out for you) H-A-P-P-Y.
Remember that? Remember what that felt like when you actually felt happy? In a relationship?
I know some of us have never known what it’s really like to feel happy in a relationship. Because the happy I’m talking about isn’t the kind where when he finally shows up at our door or calls after we’ve had a search party out looking for him and made calls to the local hospitals and the morgue – not that kind.
That’s the kind where we’ve been so low that by the time we see him alive we’re feeling so relieved he’s still choosing us that we think we’re happy.
But is that really happiness? Are we really happy in this relationship or is it just that we’re unhappy so much of the time that when anything happens remotely resembling him caring about us, or at least still choosing to be with us, we feel the opposite of what we usually feel like, that we stat to think that's what being happy is.
I know. This is tough. I’m with you.
It’s not easy peeling back some of the layers of the feelings and coping behaviors we’ve had for so long (read, denial) to reveal the truth. I really do get that. It’s not easy to admit to ourselves that this relationship just might not be the equivalent of what happiness is all about, even though everyone else around us may be pointing this out to us.
I get that denial can run pretty deep when we’re talking about having to do something about this relationship we’re so desperately believing we can change and turnaround by just being good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, clever enough, sexy enough, or whatever your “enough” happens to be!
But this isn’t how it’s supposed to be!
We are not supposed to be in relationships with guys who treat us in such ways that we lose our entire equilibrium of which end is up. Separate date nights are not the way the weekends are supposed to go.
People in healthy authentic relationships want to be together. A lot.
Not obsessively so, either. They just genuinely like being together, so it happens. They don’t have rigid rules about how or when or where it can happen. It just does. It’s not supposed to be complicated.
Getting together is not complicated when you’re in a real relationship with a real guy who really likes being with you and you really like being with him.
Mutual. Together. Easy.
Those are the words you’re looking for. Especially easy.
It feels effortless, easy, not complicated. Not filled with drama and high and low extremes and fighting and making up and more fighting and making up and more drama and more fighting and more anxiety and more drama…do you see a theme here?
That’s not how it’s supposed to be even if to you right now that feels like someone cares about you. That’s not what all that means.
I’m going to tell you what it really means. Read this slowly.
It means your guy’s unhealthy, the relationship’s unhealthy, and there’s no way you can be healthy if you’re with the unhealthy guy in the unhealthy relationship. You can’t have an unhealthy guy and an unhealthy relationship and have a healthy you. You’d be out of there.
And that’s the point. You’d be out of there.
You deserve to be happy, Beautiful. You deserve to be with someone who thinks the world of you just because you’re you. Not because of anything you feel like you have to do.
A real relationship is about real give and take. The real thing where you share the real you and he shares the real him. Equally. Not everyday equally, or anything that resembles score keeping, just naturally it’s equal over the course of time because you both are who you are right now and don’t need to be in the relationship, it’s just genuinely where you both want to be.
And that’s the difference girls.
There’s no “Should I call, or should I not call?” No “Should I wait until it’s been ten hours, fifteen minutes, or whatever your ideal time limit feels like it should be, and then call ? Or should I wait two days and then call?"
You just call if you want to call and he calls if he wants to call. No second guessing or mind reading required.
And here’s the most important part of all: if it’s not a good time to call and he’s busy or the call doesn’t go well because he’s in the middle of something or you get sent right to his voicemail, it won’t matter! Not at all.
That’s what I want for you, Beautiful. Something real. Someone real. Don’t settle for anything less and you won’t have to.
No, it’s not a cliché. It’s how we get there, it’s how we find the happiest real relationship we’ve ever been in before. Don’t ever believe that it’s somehow no meant for you or not in the cards for someone like you.
It’s the only kind of relationship worth being in. And the only kind for someone exactly like you!
Are you feeling this, Beautiful? What does the feeling of happy in a relationship conjure up for you? What would it feel like to be happy, instead of what you’re feeling right now? Go there. Go all in. Let’s do more than just imagine what happy looks and feels like to you. Tell me all about it in the comments below and then let’s start living in that place and nowhere else.
You don’t just deserve it, it’s what you were made for!