You know exactly who you are.
You're the one who really has tried everything to get him to come around and fully commit. You're the one who's given him more than enough time to come around and finally make the commitment that would make everything perfect.
And now you know all that's left to do is accept that he just isn't there, isn't on the same page you are, and let him go. Except for one thing. You simply can't imagine just letting him go and moving on with your life.
You'd love to be able to just say "next", but that's just not you.
Because you're you. And because you're you – that beautiful, soft, loving, forgiving, understanding, compassionate, helpful, giving, caring, hopeful you – is exactly why you're about to do the very worst thing you could do.
You blame yourself.
You start thinking you were too pushy, too naggy, too demanding, too impatient, too sensitive, too insecure, too anxious, too needy.
You beat yourself up, you berate yourself, telling yourself if you had only done things differently, you would be together.
You keep going back and second guessing yourself, admonishing yourself that if only you had done this, or if only you hadn't done that. If only you hadn't said that. If only you hadn't gone there. If only, if only, if only.
Until finally, you convince yourself that this is really all your fault, that you simply aren't enough for him, that there is something wrong with you. I know that's what you're thinking because that's what I always thought too. Well, I have one thing to say to you:
You’re wrong.
This isn't about you. This isn't about anything you did wrong, or any regrets about what you should or could have done differently. There are two points you need to understand here.
1. It always takes two people to make a relationship work – and both parties have to want the same thing and be on the same page when it comes to commitment.
2. You cannot change a guy who won't commit to you just by you loving him more or catering more to his needs. If he won't commit, it's not your fault!
Click here to get my free PDF guide "3 Biggest Warning Signs He'll NEVER Commit"
But we blame ourselves anyway.
It doesn't matter what anyone says to us. We have such a hard time believing that we're not somehow responsible for the way things are (read: for why he won't commit to you).
And so our downward spiral begins.
With our self-esteem and confidence already at an all-time low just by being with someone like this for as long as we are, we fall to all new levels of low.
We try to get him to see what we see.
We call. We leave messages. We text. We send letters. We email. We drive by. We knock on his door. We go to his work. We send flowers.We get on airplanes/trains/buses/boats. We talk. We cry. We beg. And with every realization of the futility of our efforts, we sink lower and lower into that pit of despair.
Until finally, one day, someone reminds us of who we really are.
You're not this. This isn't you. This isn't your fault. This isn't about you. This is about him. There isn't anything you could have done differently that could have made this work. Whether it's timing, or work, or life, or whatever, this is his issue.
Analyzing it and second-guessing it and trying to figure out why so you can fix it isn't going to make a difference. You deserve a real relationship with someone who wants to be with you, who wants the same things you want, who will commit to you and pursue you because a committed relationship is what he wants! That's what you deserve!
But what about him?
I know. You still have hope. We always do.
What if he comes around? If he does, I can guarantee you'll be the first to know.
But don't wait.
Live. This is your life. This is about you. It's in the living that you find the strength and the courage to begin anew this journey to find yourself and that special someone who is looking for you, too. It's not in the waiting.
It's not in looking back on what could have been if only you were something different than who you are. If only you knew then what you know now. Things like this always happen for a reason, even if we can't see it when we're in the thick of it.
The irony about all of this is that we have to be willing to refuse to accept anything less than we deserve if we are to find what we do deserve. But in the meantime, this blaming ourselves, this unloving treatment of ourselves like this, it has to stop.
Because you, my beautiful friend, are so much more than this. You are worth so much more than this. You deserve so much more than this. I know this about you.
It's time for you to believe it, too.
Hello my heart really goes out to all
Of you who are going through this frustration and pain of waiting for what could be or what we truly want. Jane thank you so much for this article and your kind words of wisdom and strength. I would like to share my story - I am a single mother of 2 young children. I met a man while taking a career opportunity within a new city after my separation from my children father. The man I met was “separated” and approached me at work. We quickly began meeting for coffee and chatting daily via txt and phone. He has no children of his own.
We clicked on every level and he was smitten by the fact that I had children he said it was a positive trait and he was looking forward to meeting my children as our relationship progressed. I initially looked at him previously being married as a bonus and he was mature enough to understand these struggles. He told me they separated due to her not wanting children and they married quickly when they were young - a sort of “natural progression” as he would tell me. During their separation he moved out of their house but eventually bought the home and she moved out. He never finalized the divorce as promised due to “financial reasons” everything was on the table with this man. I was 100% honest of what I wanted for my relationship and my children. We were on the same page or so I thought. He was wonderful with my children. Although a few red flags I chose to ignore as he seemed so wonderful and caring and a good positive figure for my children. He asked us to move in with him. I was in pure ecstasy! It was everything I ever dreamed of in a man. Everything I ever wanted...closer to the move in date we argued more. He pulled the breaks on us moving in. I was devestated. I had to call the boys school and say we were staying in this jurisdiction as we weren’t moving. .I got blamed for starting arguments and being needy, jealous and controlling later down the line. These traits came out when I would discover things on his social media or question certain things that made me uneasy. The being needy was simply me asking if ever we will progress after a year and “do you plan to get divorced?” How can We progress if all we do is fight he would say! He would say “yes I plan on getting divorced but we aren’t getting married right now so what difference does it make!? I can’t afford it!” So I remained quiet in hopes that if I suppressed my own feelings or wants that something would eventually happen and he would initiate a divorce or ask us to move forward. Fast forward to 3 years later - it’s been on and off. I am in the same boat I’ve been in since we first met, it’s hard to shut off my emotions but I’ve seen red flags he drinks heavily and I never wanted to admit that. I did today. It’s been a week of no contact. I see him look at my social media but I am hurting. I am hurting from the excuses, the putting everyone else before us, the working in the same town yet only seeing me 1x or 2x a week. The exhaustion of not being good enough. The “what if I didn’t pull the plug what if this was all me?” I can’t take the rejection anymore or the excuses I feel like a fool yet a part of me yearns for him to knock on my door and apologize. He was the first man I met after my separation and introduced my children to. It seems he lied about things or just kept me on a string for some sick reason. I know deep down inside I am worth more than phone calls and if he wanted to be divorced with a new life with me and my children he would be. He would be doing what was necessary to start his new chapter with us there. But the sad reality is he’s not and he blames me for not progressing. My negativity, my “drama” my stupid questions etc. 3 years of this and nothing besides feeling more alone inside a “relationship”. I had to pull the plug and take a step back from it all. The tiny spark that remains in our hearts, let it continue to shine for someone worthy of us. Much love to you all. Thank you for letting me share 💜
Hey how did you recover from this? I'm exactly also 3 years in with a child and he he is also separated married very young. He also says I bring drama. It sounds like the same man. Let me know how you moved on
Ive been with the same partner for 4 years on and off. He is in his late 30’s and we have struggled with the on and off again due to his lifestyle choices which dont align with mine. He likes to drink and party with friends more often than not and if the choice comes up that is aways prioritized over our relationship. I recently took him back about 6 months ago since he said we would move in together at the end of his busy work season, things have been positive and seen major imporvements but now that the time for our conversation came up he has detached and is unwilling to give me an answer. I gave him a week to so we could talk and said he was busy this weekend at a wedding but we would talk sunday.
I am beyond frusturated, tired and hurt of having put up with this for so long just to be strung along again and be lied to. I dont understand the point of putting someone through this for 4 years if marriage, kids and a stable home was never on the table. He always says “ soon enough, we will babe, its coming” and when the time comes as promised we break up, he thinks ill get over it , gets me back on a lie that we will and i am back at square one.
I held on for those exact same words, Jane. It's coming. Soon enough, it's coming. As if it was something so completely out of his control! No, it's not. He's the one choosing it to be this way. And one day you wake up and get that. Nothing like absolving himself of responsibility by playing on your beautiful belief in the power of what love can be! Yes, it can, but not with someone who shirks his own responsibility!
Thank you for your words. It’s comforting to know other women have had this experience and gotten to the light at the end of the tunnel.
You are absolutely right though. He does get to choose, and he does get to own his actions.
What a world in which we become so blinded by imposing self blame and making excuses for our partners out of love, and putting ourself love last.
Thank you again. I needed to hear those words💕
Leopards don't change their spots😉
Holy moly. Well I was only with my guy for just over two years before I walked away. At 9 months I was considering buying a home, so I asked if he saw us living together anytime soon. He said 'yes, I was thinking this summer.' But summer came, his custody schedule changed, he stopped taking me on dates, and he blamed tension between us for not being ready to live together'just yet'. Just wanted to hang out at his house with his kid all damn summer. So I bought a house a few months later, which he was pissed about, but I didn't feel he had much right to be. The whole 2 years he and everyone in his life glorifies the relationships he has with his ex's kids, yet he really never gave my kids the time of day unless I begged. You know, I finally got sick of hearing happy memories about the ex, her kids and family, and waiting for OUR turn for commitment. Sick of the 'someday' Story. It wasn't coming, he wasn't making progress with my kids at all, so I'm walking away and hope to stay away. Me, my kids, and his kid get along famously and have always wanted to make things permanent. But he just isn't there and I am accepting it. I deserve the chance to find someone who Will commit. I feel sad that our relationship with his son will likely die. And more sad cause his kid's mom has all but abandoned him the last 8 years. But so be it. Dad's Just Not That Into Us. I don't want to live in the ex's shadow anymore.
Just wanted to share my sad story. After 16 years of marriage I found out that my husband was cheating compulsively due to his childhood trauma/issues. We divorced and worked through a ton of therapy to do it in a healthy way for our two kids. Today we are amicable and the divorce worked out great. I found in therapy that because I was sexually assaulted as a child I was afraid of my sexuality and so married someone I wasn't attracted to. He was also the only man I had ever slept with. I gained a lot more confidence in my looks and sexuality post divorce and overcame my past trauma.
At this time I started dating a recently divorced man who told me upfront that he didn't want a relationship. He treated me well. Never abusive, paid for things, took me to nice places and cooked some wonderful food for me and we were very physically affectionate outside of sex but he never introduced me to his friends and didn't want to meet mine. We waited 2-3 months to have sex . Unfortunately I was laid off from my job right around the time we starting sleeping together. Truthfully I don't think it was a layoff but rather retaliation because it happened after I reported my boss to HR for harassing a girl who was reporting to me. I am well qualified and people contact me for interviews even when I am not looking but due to not feeling emotionally ready to head back to the corporate world I took a job with low pay but good opportunities for experience at a startup. Right around the time I lost my job the guy I was dating was in a very bad accident. Fortunately he slowly made a great recovery and I was with him through his worst time. After having sex we dated exclusively for another three months. I felt very happy when I was with him and felt that I was able to be a woman again and embrace my sexuality but he still didn't want to be in a relationship with me. He said he needed to go to therapy because he was emotionally unavailable because of having his heart broken by his ex wife during a terrible 20 year marriage. I then felt it had been long enough and we were too emotionally close (he was very vulnerable with me) for me to stay in this situation without a commitment so I told him I wanted to stop dating him and focus on my job hunt. He only texted me once after. I week after I ended it, I found out I have breast cancer. I don't plan on telling him. I just feel terribly sad. I did my best but I lost my job, he didn't love me and now I have an illness which will again rob me of my sexuality and attractiveness and it could kill me and rob me of my savings and career. I'm really hurting and don't know what to do. I have friends who really love me and my kids are sweet but the sadness is overwhelming. Reading back through it my story doesn't even seem real but unfortunately its my reality.
Know- that YOU ARE a BEAUTIFUL being. Find this truth within yourself and it is certain, no matter your condition or situation, if you seek true love, that very love is seeking you. Stay strong and live well. Many blessings being sent to you. 💞
Please please try qhht hypnotherapy through a Dolores Cannon train technician! You have karmic pain that you don’t need to keep carrying around. It heals our inner most wounds 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽
I'm glad to find this site. Like many of you, I have a story to tell too. I am divorced and was in a relationship with this man who is also divorced, for over a year. Since the beginning, I felt like I put more efforts into the relationship than he did. I broke up with him once seven months ago since he didn't want to have a future with me. He wanted to move and live in another state (where he lived/worked before) when his tour of duty ended by the end of this year. For child custody reason, it would be very hard for me and my child to move with him. Also, I have a good secured job here that it would be difficult for me to get another job elsewhere.
He came back two months later saying that he loved me (he never said the ILY before) and asked for a second chance. I took him back as I loved him and thought he had changed and said he would be willing to live in the current state to be with me. Things progressed well I thought. He invited me to his extended family gathering. We made plans to travel and spend vacation together. We never talked about marriage but I didn't want to rush and pressure him on it. He even apply for an extension on his current tour of duty so we had more time to figure out what we wanted to do beyond the end of this year.
About two months ago, he started to flake on things. He said he didn't know what he wanted to do and at times mentioned about his parents were planning to move to the state he lived before coming here. I tried to continue the conversation with him on this but never got a straight answer from him. I was frustrated and started to think he had changed his mind. I left his house quite upset that day but texted him that I had something on mind and we would talk the following weekend.
That following weekend when we met, he said he wanted to move back to the other state and that he was not happy living here. It broke my heart but I accepted it. It's been two and a half weeks and I'm missing him a lot. I know it takes time for me to move on but it sucks. I cry everyday but try to stay strong and not contact him. I'm broken inside. I don't know how to pick up all broken pieces and move on without him. I know I need time but this is so HARD.
It is hard, Hanah. It absolutely sucks. But he's showing you his priorities and that means another state, another place away from you is what he's choosing. What else would he choose that didn't include you? What else would you find out down the road? I'm sure there's more, I'm sure there were other things, too. As hard as this is, being alone in a relationship is no place for any of us, let alone you!
Thank you, Jane.
It's a whole new different dating world nowadays it seems. I remember back in the days, boy met girl, fell in love, got married, and started a family. Of course not everyone made it all the way but it was simple. No game, no BS.
Live that way right now today, Hanah. When you adamantly refuse to engage in anything less than that, you'll find the standard of who and what shows up for you is raised!
I have been with my BF for almost 4 years and he says "when we live together..." All of the time. The only problem is he's been saying if for almost 2 years now. He says he really wants to live with me but always ends up with an excuse as to why he can't.. It's either money, or timing, or whatever else he can come up with. As far as marriage he always says in public "I'm never getting married". So when I confronted him about it he says "babe it's just a defense mechanism".. But any time I bring up marriage he quickly changes the subject. I'm head over heels for this man and I honestly don't know what to do.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". Maya Angelou.
He has already shown you with actions and the clear words "I'm never getting married" who he is. If you are clear on wanting marriage, this is not the man for you. I know you love him, but think hard about why you're so attached to a man who precisely doesn't want the same thing you do. The sooner you get clear within yourself, the better and the less time you'll waste.
If "babe, it's just a defense mechanism" works for you, as in is believable enough for you, then babe, it's just a defense mechanism. But if you're sensing you're actually feeling there's something to his public words of "I'm never getting married" and that his excuses and changing the subject are the real story, then you clearly know what this comes down to. You. Can you live with not knowing if he's going to ever want to live together and get married? Even if someone says he wants to live together and wants marriage, there are no guarantees. But I have a feeling you'd feel a whole lot better if at least you had these words. Ask yourself what you would tell your best girlfriend to do if she was in these shoes. We always know what to tell our best friends to do!
Hello, wow so many similar stories, I guess I am looking for some advice too. After 4.5 years with my boyfriend he recently (2 days ago) told me he doesn't want to be in a long term relationship ever and that he can't give me what I want. (I am pretty sure I want marriage and kids in 5 years+) We have been through so much together such as university, multiple overseas holidays and have met each others friends and family and are generally happy together. At the start it felt like I was his top priority and he would do anything for me and pursued me a lot. Recently it has been feeling like our relationship has not been growing or getting closer its like I want us to grow but he doesn't want to consider moving in or seeing each other more than 2-3 times a week. We started the relationship quite young like 20 years old and now we are both 24. I don't know if its just the pressure of being together for a while that is stressing him out about the future I hoped he would change his mind about kids when he got older. I have previously asked him about where he sees us and his answers were quite vague giving me hope that we would just stay together. I don't want to start over with someone new, I still love him and want to try to make our relationship work. He says he still loves me and wants to see me and I know I should stay away for a while but I really want to keep seeing him and try to make it work. What should I do? I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces.
Relationship needs efforts from both parties. If he gave you a vague answer and giving you hope about the future. I would have a conversation with him and see where he stands. If your gut says you should stay away for a while, you probably should. Perhaps giving him some time and space to miss you and to see what he wants for his life would be best. Hopefully it will make him value you and the relationship more and you guys will come out stronger as a couple.
As hard as it is, we can't be the only one who tries to make a relationship work.
I came across this website and like others have a story to tell. I had been divorced for about year when I met this man at our local town function. Over the next few weeks we talked about everything, texted each other daily and our conversations became more intimate. I started having physical relations with him and then confirmed a few months later that he 'sees' other women. He never tried to hide anything and was honest about the others. I tried to break it off with him but ended up going back to our 'relationship'. I am still with him now and it will be 2 years at the end of this year. I usually see him once a week. When I am with him it is great and he is kind and loving. When I am not I get sad because I know he is with others and not me. I make jokes about the other women in his life but inside it is tearing me apart. I have tried to break things off a few times since then but always end up back with him. I don't blame him but myself as I know I am not being strong enough to just let go. He was the first one since my marriage of 18 years that even remotely had any interest in me. He is always there to talk or help which is why it is hard to walk away. He helped me gain back the confidence and helped me to feel beautiful, kind and funny. All the qualities that I know I have but that I had lost during my marriage. I keep hoping things will change even though I know that they won't but can't seem to leave him. the thought of him not being in my life hurts more then the daily pain of not having him there all the time.
So you get to choose, Annette. He's showing you who he is and what he's capable of. You can take him or leave him. But nothing changes as long as you accept his terms. The choice, as always, is yours. Who's worth more? You or him?
wow.......guess there are alot of us out there! I have been doing this for 5 yrs now with a man who pursued me for 6 months. I had just finalized my divorce and he was just separated. I finally decided to date him....which led to sex only to find out that a year later he was dating another woman at the same time...but he always came back to my bed AND I LET HIM. This happened 2-3 more times and he would lie about it and then, of course since men do not know how to lie, he got caught. This morning he said "I have not been with another woman for 3 yrs and you need to find someone to love you because I cannot commit. I just want to have fun." Ok....you are 57 years old and now divorced....good luck finding women who "just want to have fun". I told him "take your coffee and get out". Response: what? We cannot continue to be friends?? I really like you and being with you" They are clueless. I had only asked that he not sleep with other women....too much to ask?? Now I know why his wife became an alcoholic!!!!
All these broken hearted women on here and here's one more to add to the mix. I ended our 3 year non relationship 2 months ago due to the fact he wouldn't make me his girlfriend and he's not spoke to me since. I fell in love, he didn't. I'm having such a hard time coming to terms with everything and I'm blaming myself and beating myself up because I'm so angry that I put up with it for so long. Why couldn't I see I was being used? He was my best friend, I adored him and it hurts to know he never even cared about me. why didn't he just leave me alone if he had no intention of being with me? He was ten years younger that me so don't know if that was the reason even though he said the age gap didn't bother him. What I don't understand is he new how I felt about him so why continue with me? I tried many times to break it off, the situation was killing my sense of worth, not young enough, attractive enough just generally felt not good enough for him and all I ever did the last year was cry! But when I was with him I felt so alive like no other man has made me feel like that, think I was addicted to him! I gathered the strength and ended it, I new I deserved better than just crumbs and didn't want to continue to feel so bad about myself any longer. I miss him, it's hard, I'm sad but I won't contact him. I let a man destroy my self confidence and that's the hardest part to come to terms with.
Hi Sue. Your comment reminded me of a time I was exactly right there where you are now. I can relate to the anger, the shame, the confusion about the so called "best friend" I hung around for 6 years hoping he would like me. The being used? Some people don't care who they hurt as long as they can get something out of them. Something I didn't realize then that I know now and that I'm not sure you're not seeing is that it wasn't his job to walk away or cut you off. It was yours. Many people out there aren't like us. They don't have the same sense of fairness and responsibility to other people as we do. Do not think that people are like you. That's a costly mistake. See people for who they are, not what you want to see. It seems to me you are idealizing whatever "good" things you wanted to believe in when with him. How can someone who doesn't care about you actually make you feel alive? Try to figure out who or what he represented to you for you to think that way. It wasn't him. It was something inside you, in your mind, maybe from your past.
Please know that he doesn't matter. Why he did whatever he did doesn't matter. You matter. You will recover from this. Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up. You didn't know any better. Mourn the loss and get back up and learn what you can learn from this for yourself. Sending you hugs
Why do people who know they have an issue committing put themselves out there in the dating pool. Clean up your personal crap first before you go out there and destroy an innocent person.
I wish I understood this. Selfishness? Narcissists? Sociopaths? Always some excuse to mistreat others without consequences.
or the need to cover up shame.
so agree with you there I only find out that my partner of 4 1/2 years has committed issues we have a 2 year old daughter and he has moved in and he only telling me now and that why he keeps cheating on me
There is no explanation that could ever explain away why someone keeps cheating on you, Denise. No reason could ever make it okay.
Hi everyone,
Very interesting post. Here is my story:
First of all, I am not sure if I am overreacting or if in fact it is not my fault and the relationship is not going well.
I got out of a 4 year relationship a few months ago with a guy called Jack. I am 26 and Chris is 24. I had met Chris a year ago, we were going out as friends. At the end of my relationship, I realized I really liked Chris, and we had shared our feelings for each other so I decided to break up with my boyfriend. I moved to a new apartment and started seeing Chris every other day. He was super sweet to me, always made time to see me, he was always telling me how much he liked me. We did this for 3 months, and after 3 months of seeing each other every week, sleeping at each other's places, behaving like a couple, etc, I decided to bring up the "what are we?" question. He told me that he was scared of being in a relationship right now, and he had a lot on his mind, because he had to finish school, find a job, new apartment, figure out what he wanted to do with his life. I found this really unfair because he never told me he had no intentions of being in a relationship. I got mad and left his house. He came to see me and told me "okay, lets be together, I dont want to lose you". However, I told him I didnt want him to say it because he felt force to do so, and I wanted him to tell me when he was 100% sure. It has been a month since that conversation and he still hasn't brought it up. It makes me feel very insecure, I keep thinking that if he doesnt want to be with me it might be because he likes other girls or because he doesnt love me. I am getting very obsessed with this and I think about it every day. He has not introduced me to his friends, which I find weird too. He seems to really like me, he tells me all the time, but yet he won't commit.
We spent last weekend together, and I asked him "Do you see ourselves getting more serious? or staying like we are right now?" and he said "we can do something soon, I really like you". What is that supossed to mean? why doesnt he ask me already to be in a n exclusive committed relationship? It is driving me completely nuts and I am not sure anymore if its my fault for obsessing over it and being insecure and overreacting, or if in fact he is not being clear enough or fair enough. Relationships are supossed to feel right and easy, and this one is not feeling easy at all right now. Please, can someone give me some clarity? Should I wait for him to tell me to be in an exclusive committed relationship, or should I give him an ultimatum? I am totally lost and dont know what to do anymore, but this is giving me serious anxiety.
Feminism calls them friend families and they should be every bit as satisfying as relationships with commitment . I believe this is the new family unit; non-committal family units. Trust me, I do not think there is a time when men are as disinclined to commit as this. This is good for us...I think.
I finally gave this guy a chance after I got out of a 5 year relationship. We went to High school together, he is 23, Im 26. He had a child at 15 with his gf in High school, which his family raises due to the childs disability and his past bad reputation. We had a class together in school so we were kinda friends. He has been trying to talk to me through FB for the past year so when I finally kicked my bf out, I decided I would see him. I instantly liked him, he was very sweet. It moved very fast, He said he loved me within a few weeks, I spent every night with him, we both worked 8-5 and weekends off so we spent alot of time together. He ended up getting a new roommate about a month in and the girl his roommate was talking too, I ended up meeting and she is now my roommate, so its like roommates dating roommates. well my guy didnt like this situation said it would be drama, so a couple weeks later, he ended it, out of nowhere in person, i begged and cried him not too, but it didnt work. After that night I did text him a few times saying I missed him and still wanted him, He just said it was not gonna work. We were on different levels and to leave him alone, so I did. 5 days go by, he texted just to see how I was doing, and said he missed me. We arranged to meet but kinda just for sex. which I agreed too, after that happened, things went back to normal. Him and his roommate would come stay with me and my roommate, and it felt like we were together again, well a month and half went by and I just had trouble trusting him, and he wanted to spend less time with me and he would never plan anything with me. It was pure misery, And yes I met his family several times and his son. I have to say before I even hung out with him he did tell me he was scared of relationships but hoping he could change his ways. He hasnt had a real relationship since the high school gf which that ended when he was like 18 or 19, He has only had like small flings, with girls that are def not like me. I am shy and more reserved dont do anything bad, he was like a bad boy kinda, He knew my ex as well, we all went to same school. Well about a week ago, I asked if he wanted to see me because I would be out of town all weekend at my sister, And he chose to hang out with his roommate and not see me, SO I lost it and I said I dont want this anymore. I want someone that knows they want me, and will make plans with me, He said im not going to argue with you, If you want to call it quits then go ahead. He said In all seriousness Im not looking for a relationship so move on or yea. So i said okay. I still want you but I cant do this anymore. And yes he did treat me like a gf. I stayed with him almost everynight, he said he loved me, met his family, he just kept saying he was scared of it going any further and that he was a bad bf. And he said he waited so long to be with me because he had a crush on me in high school that he did not want to rush it. It had been 4 months. He did take me on dates, bought me gifts, cooked for me, he was sweet but mean sometimes too. Like he had a temper and he drank alot. I dont know if I made the right decision ending it, Like sometimes I feel I should have waited, Its only been a week and I did text him once saying I missed him and still cared about him, a few days ago and all he said was haa, like it was a joke and thats it, I have not texted him since and he had not texted me. we are still friends on FB. I just felt I was wasting my time, and it hurt because I wanted to be his gf and I knew deep down I never was even though I felt like it. Also My roommate ended it with his roommate too because she felt he was using her, SO we have no contact with either of them. I just had some regret, but I think what I did was for the best because he never wanted a label. It was so hard, I really loved him though, even after that short 4 months. Im just trying to remember that he never would give me what I wanted and I have to stay strong and move on. Ive got over relationships that last years I can get over this. Just hope I did the right thing. I feel I hurt his pride ending it first.
"Like he had a temper and he drank alot." Carrie, these are huge red flags. Ask any woman who's given a guy the benefit of the doubt who "had a temper and drank alot", and you're going to hear all kinds of horror stores. Real ones. Trust yourself. Those little gut feelings that we don't think we can trust? Trust them! You always, always know!
Thank you Jane. Its been 3 weeks I still haven't spoke to him nor has he reached out. We are still friends on FB & he posted a status stating that he was going to see a girl & he had locked hisself out his car. Why he would feel the need to post this Im not sure? To upset me ? Why would he be seeing a girl if he stated he did not want a relationship. ? .maybe it was just me he didnt want ? I honestly don't even know if I believe it. He always said he was going to hurt me while we were together & that he was a idiot & that he doesnt date sweet girls bc he doesnt want to hurt them ? I recently linked up with a guy from my school that is 28. Im 25. And we have a date planned this weekend & he is not scared of relationships. He is looking for someone special & believes in God unlike this last guy. I'm hopeful ❤❤
I am too! 🙂
Sharing the journey, heartaches and hurdles in our current and past relationship through this platform, is kind of a "breath of fresh air" that we need to wake up in our senses.
I have experienced similar situation being with a man for 15 months and never talked about what we were and what we want. Being an independent and strong woman, I just wanted to know him better and see if we had something in common and stay friends for few months. Our relationship was platonic for 3 months although we were so attractive to each other and he wanted to have sex with me but I resist (although I wanted it to). He told me that he was engaged once but broke it off as he had a cold feet in marrying his fiancee. After that relationship, he lived with his girlfriend and had a son but after 5 years they broke up too. When he told me all of this, I knew that he is " commitment phobe" and that was a red flag for me. I tried to distance myself and my emotion although I have enjoyed his company as we enjoy our discussion on many topics and he is intelligent and talented. He is Aries and ENTJ (Myers Briggs personality type) and I am a Scorpio woman and ENTJ too. We really like each other and have strong chemistry and one year in a relationship, I told him that I wanted a commitment in our relationship, meaning being exclusive and have a sense of direction. I asked him if he can give what I want and he said he is sorry that he cannot give me the "commitment" that I want but he just want boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and enjoy the moment kind of thing. I thanked him for his honesty and said that what we want in life doesn't really match. Although I am developing some feelings for him, I told him that I will let him go and wish him happiness in life. I knew he wouldn't be able to reciprocate the feelings that I have for him as he is emotionally unavailable. This is the rational that I have to accept and move on despite of the feelings and attraction that we've had. I told him that I will miss him because it was true and honest, but the truth is and I told myself about this over and over again, " he is not the right man for me and I deserve better". I believe, I am the whole package for the right man and he will find me. Being aware of my emotional weakness and what I really want in life, and having the "time and space" to reflect and out of the "bubble", can put our life into perspectives. In the life journey and lots of learning from it, we become stronger and wiser especially when we experienced so much pain and sufferings from people we loved. My policy to myself is "loving myself first" and not giving away my power and permission to any man who is not worthy of me. There alot of great and good man out there whom we all deserve. I am very busy single mother of 2 teenage amazing girls who are my priority, I have my consulting business, I exercise daily (yoga, cardio, dancing, walking), eat healthy food, I have great, happy and positive friends, exploring new business venture, clean, house interior designing, gardening, always listen to music, make myself beautiful and sexy for myself LOL, watch comedies and laugh a lot, have strong faith, hope and self belief that things will be great and I learn to smile more and most of all love my own company although I also enjoy parties and gatherings. I am loving, caring, empathetic, kind, intelligent and a good woman and being describe by many as very attractive:), and if a man thinks that I am not good enough for him, well, obviously there is something wrong with him. LOL. I won't be deterred by what negative things man say and wouldn't give them permission to make feel lesser than what I know about myself. Ladies, you deserve better and stay true to yourself and don't compromise your happiness and future with a man who would not able to give the commitment that you want and need to be happy. If a man doesn't treat the way you deserve and can't give what you want nor compromise/negotiate with you with "commitment", walk away. First it would hurt so much, but make yourself busy and every day, it will get better and never, never, never go back to him and stop thinking that he would change for you because he wouldn't. Move on, make yourself more beautiful and sexy and write down the list of what you are looking for a man, what are negotiable/non negotiable and you can/can't compromise. Love yourself first, be excited about life and be happy, you deserve better!!
Scorpio woman
"to wake up in our senses" - I love how you captured this, Scorpio woman. Yes, that's what draws us here, to find the ones who understand, who know, who feel like this. It's our lifeblood! Thank you for sharing. When you've been there, you understand like no one else can.
I’m glad I came across this. I’m spiraling downward at the moment. I’m 46 divorced and I’ve been dating a man 56 Who been divorced 4 years and his longest relationship was 8 mths he thought he loved her I found poems and a somewhat diary in his poem book. He met her 6 mths after divorce so I’m chalking that up to a rebound. Here’s where things are weird he kept in touch as friends and on the 4th of July her face popped up on his phone I got jealous because we were at 8 mths and I still wasn’t a gf so I started wondering things.comparing my relationship in my head to there’s trust me it messes things up. This guy and I are great when we’re together. I spent a week at his house helping him babysit his grand son. I’ve been to weddings met his family he seemed like he was opening up. id stay every weekend and sometimes a work day. I talked about buying a small house for my self he said hold off maybe we can move in together I just laughed never pressured or mention it again. Because it was taking forever to get him to say I was his girlfriend so I kind of told him I needed that because someone asked me out and I said I was dating someone but got question about us being a couple so I wanted a title. he gave me that started introducing me as his girlfriend to friends at his work. then one day we had a bad day. He doesn’t cuddle much but I do when we’re watching tv. And early something was said I got a little upset but yet we blew that over went to bed and I put my arm across him he pushed it off I felt totally rejected he asked me why I’m always having to touch him that he gets hot when he sleeps. I asked if he was like that with everyone because the ex popped in my head his feelings for me I was wondering about. I couldn’t fig out what made her so special being that things were hard for me. Anyways I asked for a kiss he said didn’t I already give you one I said yes but I want another I was hurt but played it off. I waited for him to fall asleep got up and left went home texted him a book about how I didn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough for him why I may not be the women he wants. Told him how bad I felt rejected and so on. He wrote me back said your right were not meant to be. you’re selfless I’m selfish your cuddly I’m cuddless your lovable I’m loveless you’re passionate I’m passionless . I do not have to give what you seek. That hurt so bad mostly because I was thinking he had been providing a lot of what I needed and how could he feel this way about himself. Well a mth and a half we split never quit texting mostly me sometimes he’d answer Id say he was wrong he did provide me things. I don’t need everything like night time cuddles . He said I’m going to want more all women do he started comparing me to all women. But I’m not all women I’m not a quitter I love him. But I tried to go on a date he found out he got mad and jealous I’d get upset if I thought he was out he lives 7 min from me super easy to check. I reached out to his ex she said run away he has issues she broke up with him a complete mess she went back to her old guy and hurt him. Was not the story he told me. I mentioned I spoke with her he got mad deleted us both on Facebook I know I shouldn’t have that was wrong but I wanted to know if he wanted her still. I was comparing my relationship in my head. Ours was way better. I guess he would reach out off and on so she did it first it was a holiday that was normally the thing. However he did ask if she was contacting to see him she did not even know about me .she said no just saying happy July and she was with someone he sent a smile face and didn’t contact . He never saw another women I’m the one who was trying to date again. Well he needed a date to a play he asked me I went I shouldn’t have but I missed him every thing seemed good our dynamic was still there. like old times. We ended up in bed of course. Well I started wanting him back we never stopped talking the whole time and he forgave me for the face book thing I’m thinking he has to care about me he’s said it before so why did I need so much. So I told him I don’t need a title that that things were good before I wanted that he said yes I liked how we were before but that title to me means he’s mine even though I know we are exclusive I needed reassurance. So I said maybe we can try to see what happens he said yes we’ll take it slow we’ll here I am still and It’s not like it was he’s withdrawn more not many text he is fully work oriented comes home eats falls asleep on the couch doesn’t really text. Maybe a good morning or something short. He’s not cheating he’s just really closed off toward everything he’s a routine guy he stayed in all weekend a few weeks ago unlike him started withdrawing again. Almost no text at all I of cous e need something a bread crumb I started feeling like he was useing me or I wasn’t good enough again his comment was it’s sad that you feel this way about me that I would use you and I can’t help how you feel. He said he had enough of his own demons he was dealing with then to worry about mine. That I didn’t know what was going on. He told me he’s been staying in. I said I’m bringing over a pumpkin what do you want for dinner. I thought he’d say no but he didn’t so I went when he’s around me he’s different more fun. We laughed he’d make comments about his family he’s not going to go up and see them how they only want to contact him when they need something. So I’m thinking dang here I am adding to his stress. We had a nice time that night then a few days later Halloween I decided to pop over dressed sexy thinking I’d get him out of his funk. He was shocked nothing happened he had been working long hours he was falling asleep talking to me. I let him be went home feeling stupid I said I was sorry for intruding that I’ll try not to take it personally. He said I looked cute not to take it personally he was tired and I had good intentions. The following Sunday invite to dinner for me I went spent all day it’s always great it’s the weeks that drive me crazy and lack of communication. So I started researching I heard to try the don’t text see if he text you good guy method I went one day no text he texted me Good morning the next day I didn’t reach out untill later because I found a thing saying how I should maybe ask him what his needs are his wants trying to communicate he texted back the next morning after he read what I sent asking him what I can do to help him be in this relationship we are in what it is he needs from me his text was. I’m fine the way things are. Ughhh my head like why wouldn’t you be it’s not like your giving a lot so more research and I have discovered I’m in love with an emotionally unavailable man he checks off almost every box and it’s his childhood past he’s shared with me . I looked up can they love is it possible. He checks the boxes for me to or he would be gone by now so I have no doubt he cares for me and I do him. So I reached out yesterday I didn’t get a job i wanted so I told him he was probably almost asleep and he said that’s a bummer. I’m thinking to my self what am I going to do if that’s all I’m ever going to get is there away to break through. So I sent a text said it is and I’ve been doing research trying to figure out what I can do to make things less stressful and I’ve discovered you are unavailable told him it’s not his fault that I wonder if he knows and to research it himself and plus side I know he cares for me downside is we maybe trying this for mths and it want work but I’m a fighter I believe in us so if he would like to continue a journey with me roll up his sleeves because it’s not going to be easy and only he can help himself if he’s willing I can just be here for him. And try to fig out ways myself not to be so reliable on him to and maybe we can work on a middle to help ease my crazy books when he’s not texting me. And I have a lot to learn myself but it still may not work. He didn’t respond so I texted I hope your not angry for me telling you that stuff he said I’m not I’m just relaxing so I don’t even know if he read it sometimes he won’t. So I’m sitting here wondering What do I do I’m torn I love him want to fight but I don’t know if it’s going to help and he checks the boxes about caring for me.
Ramona- you just don't deserve this. All your letter says is compromise on your part. You've given up being called his girlfriend, you're apologising for being you and expressing your needs and accepting the way he treats you. Cuddles and kisses at night are important to you- why let it go because he says he doesn't have to? He's told you he doesn't have to give you what you want, so why are you accepting this?
I'd say let this man go and find someone who will love your passion, your selflessness, your cuddles and kindness. Don't lose yourself in this -sending apologetic texts all the time, waiting for him and putting yourself in situations that are hurtful, and mostly, don't contact his ex! You're better than this. Once you let him go you will see that you are so much better off.
Hi Scorpio Woman, Gemini woman here. My guy was very upfront with me, told me he was emotionally unavailable and did not want a relationship. He is willing to walk away if a relationship is mentioned much less commitment. The funny thing is, he acted like he wanted a relationship. Was a man of his word but ghosts when he feels I'm getting too many emotions for him. But so far he has come back. Not sure about this time.
The point I'm trying to make is perhaps some of this counseling is causing the issue. He said that he went to counselling and credits this female with helping him, but I noticed that he is VERY protective of himself. In fact, he told me he will protect himself at all costs. So I'm thinking that maybe his counsellor may have gone too far on the protection part. It has made his VERY commitment phobic. Maybe some of this counselling with people with the wrong personality types, cause these people to take it too far.
How can anyone have a relationship without some fear? You may get hurt, but isn't that what life is about? How can you expect to find what you are looking for without taking a gamble? I think this point is being missed and is causing people to not connect because they aren't willing to compromise. Living means compromise.
Ok here's my story I met this guy at worked was married but not happy. We started dating he ended up getting a divorce. We dated for a year a then he says he needs a break. I was devastated I could eat or sleep fast forward fifteen years we have had a sexual relationship even while he dated and I dated others I have never stopped loving him and hoping that every time we are together that he will realize I'm the one why do I keep putting my self through this? He tells her he loves me but he never makes time for me I just feel so stupid my girls were in a relationship like that and you tell them they deserve better Why can I tell myself that
And what about women who behave in this way? I feel loved, but my on-again/off-again girl is afraid to take the next step of living together. Im 40, she's 36. Our kids have been introduced for nearly a year - everything was going great until one day, she cracked (for lack of a better word). She "can't imagine living together" - and the reasons? Well, she seems to assume everything will be as it is now (we spend all our time at my house), has pointed out very trivial and small things she has not communicated (running into my ex-wife, no quiet zone for us adults, finances etc) that are all very easily resolved through communication. She has anxiety and is finally acknowledging it's an issue she likely can't resolve on her own - but I am doubtful she will seek the help she needs to move past the irrational thinking her anxiety has created. We separated for 2.5 months (after 18 mo relationship) and she just this past week has "sort of" come back. I really don't know what the relationship is at this point, but have made clear I am only interested a lasting and committed relationship and I cannot be in this for any other reason that may serve only her needs.
Oh my... I stumbled upon this article at the most perfect timing ever. It brought me to tears. It's only my first month of college, and a guy who I knew before who also goes here told me he really liked me, thought I was beautiful, wanted to be with me, etc. As a girl who has never had a boyfriend, let alone have a guy tell me he likes me, it was nice, and I actually thought he cared. This tears me apart, and it still does. There are days he makes me feel like I am the most special girl in the world, but then there are the ones where I feel like I mean absolutely nothing to him... it hurts and it's messing with my emotions. He makes me feel lonely.. not good enough.. insecure.. I hate it. Why do I want him when all he does is hurt me. I tell myself I am letting him go, but then that's of course the time where he makes me feel special again... I know this probably makes me sound shallow, but I am lost, and maybe it's not so much him hurting me, but me hurting myself.
As sad as this post seemed lol I loved this article and am going to read it everyday. REALLY needed this article and all its reminders. THANK YOU.
You're so very welcome, Halo. Welcome! I'm so glad this resonated with you!
I dated my guy for 5.5 years and then gave up. He was "hurt" from a long marriage and her cheating one him. I met him a year after his 13 year relationship ended. He and I always stayed the same--same nights he saw me, I wasn't in his real life (his daughter, family and friends were strangers to me), and he definitely would get close and then push away. Eventually I lost it about 4 years into the relationship and walked and he came back and convinced me that he would make the changes he needed to in order to fully commit and stop treating me like a weekly date. The relationship in all other areas is great--emotional connection, sexual connection, same values/morals, great laughter and even an ability to have comfortable silence. But he won't make it a real relationship and truly commit--ie: marriage, combine our families, etc. I eventually walked a month ago...I just vanished. 11 days later he called. The his birthday hit and I did not text or call. He called the next day to say I forgot his bday. I said I didn't forget--I am not your girlfriend. He was used to my attention and devotion--I always did big fun things for his bday and even would bring him lunch to work once a week for years. I was very good to him. He never in 5.5 years said he loved me. NOT ONE TIME. Well, now he is back and is saying things I have never heard-it's different this time, I deserve the world, he wants to marry me and he loves me. He said the time away was very good and helpful. When he lost me, he missed me a lot and realized he pushed me away and even at times was mean because it was easier than falling in love and being open to it but he didn't ever want to go back there. He talked about marrying me. But I feel like until i see some ACTION--even if what he is saying is new, I don't see a ring or any changes yet. So we are still broken up. He said what was going on with him was good and would benefit us if I didn't find someone new before he fixed it. I don't want to discourage the NEW behaviour (In five years one thing is for sure--he is always honest and if he says it, he means it)...however I also dont want to settle again and things to remain stagnant. What a hard balance. Do I see him? Do I wait until he actually has a ring or does more than say amazing things I have never heard before? Do I encourage him by seeing him again (we always have such fun together) or do I just do what I have been doing--nothing! Part of me feels like if I still don't date him, and don't see him, then I will see the change or not and then know and until then I should keep living my life for me. . . but another part of me feels like I should encourage his new change of heart by stop being so cold and spend an evening or two with him. Thoughts? I really love him and want to spend my life with me but I also want him to do what he said--be the man I want and need.
Don't do ANYTHING!!! Talk is cheap. Don't give in to the sweet nothings. Keep living your life.
It sounds like he makes these changes better in your absence, MM. I'd listen to your intuition. It's telling you everything you need to know.
Thank you for your article. I am currently at an all time low. I dont know what to do or how to let go. I have been with this guy for 7 years. In fact this is our anniversary month which we never celebrate due to the fact we dont know what exact day we got together! We have been on and off again 2x in the pass because it was either me being too needy, or him needing more space, or the fact that he was beginning to emotionally cheat on me with a coworker. Somehow we patched things through enough to try again. But here we are at the 7 year mark and there is no ring and im loosing hope. I also turn 30 this year and would tell him that if by 30 he couldnt figure out he wanted me then i couldnt just sit here and wait any longer. He claims this year would be the year (mind you, the year is almost over). However, we recently had a really bad fall out. Started off over meaningless things like irritatedness over being hungry or hANGRY should i say. The argument quickly escalated to him saying he again needed more space (aside of the fact i see him 1-2x a week and the fact that he rarely likes to drive to me. If we see each other its usually because he asks ME to come over) So its always a waiting game for time, attention and affection on his terms. Well the argument escalated further into him saying he couldnt see himself coming home to me in the future (we dont live together) because i nag him so much. Then went even further to saying "I just dont see a future with you". That day i left and took all my stuff with me. But deep down hurting so bad but hoping he would come for me and apologize. The appologie(s) came via text 2 days later. I made sure he understood that i didnt want a TEXTationship and that sorrys via text meant nothing. Well its been a full week and all ive received are texts saying he will come and talk that we HAVE TO talk. but when he says he will he doesnt show. Then claim we are both not on the right state of mind. It hurts because it always happens this way. Right before something important.. like his kids 8th bday (which ive seen grow up all her life LITERALLY). We had made plans for her bday but bc of the fight went on with out me. Now im sitting here and realizing even if HE DID come back and tried to work this out... how can i sit there knowing he felt/feels that he doesnt see a future with me?? In texts (again!) he argues that im his balance. The only one who cares (or is there when an emergency occurs like his car tow bc of $600+ of tickets), he claims he loves me and misses me. But then when i say then what is going on what is this? why havent you come to talk? and if the one thing he IS certain about is how he feels abt no future with me to stop dragging me.. He then says im not trying to, im just lost and confused not just with you but with life. So here I am.. fully aware that if this man decides to come back and "marry me", he will regret it or hate feeling trapped. AM I forcing him? Should i ignore him completely? Its been 7 years.. shall i wait till the end of the year like i had established to him before? I feel so down and just like a failure honestly. im sure i could have BEEN married or had a family now if i wouldnt have waited for him this long. and he still cant decide. And part of me feels he has no extreme rush for a family because whether we work out or not, he has his daughter. I am worried i will never find someone to love me like i deserve this late in. Also, the fact that i am soon to be 30 in OCT. and you know that with age child bearing becomes harder to do. Please help me sort my thoughts out. I'm sorry for writing so long!
I just broke up with my boyfriend, we were together for 7 years, just like you. Although he has a wonderful financial situation, he simply can't move out from his overprotective mother's house, not even to live by himself. I got sick and tired of this situation, cause I'm already 39, I live by my own (he is 33), and it is very stressing to be in a relationship whith someone that cant't build his own independance, It got ridiculous. At first, I was concerned about all the marriage thing, but as time went by, the fact that he can't cut the cord started to be the main problem. In my opinion, you should try to stay on your own, in silence, and focus on your passions, hobbies, interests that are not related to relationships. In the final weeks of my relationship I started to feel extremely confused as well. Nowadays I practice aerial silks, I write poetry, I photograph all the time.. I have an interesting life, and this brought me strenght to see things clearly and not being afraid staying alone. If you don't live by yourself, consider that for a while, it will make wonders for your life.
Hi Jane and all and thanks for this article that I just discovered. I am in a very difficult situation and I would really appreciate someone else's perspective. I am with someone for the past 2 years. I am 35 and he is 48. We have a great time together and we love each other. We only meet at my place where he usually stays for 1-2 weeks and then after a while, he comes again. The problem is that I would like us to live together and he can't/doesn't want to do that. I would like to have more of a partnership then just a relationship, but he can't offer me that. I am renting, while he lives with his brother. He does not have any money to get a place together, but at the same time he does not really want to change things and wants to continue having his personal space and just meet as we do. This is a combination of practical reasons and not wanting to get to a next stage reasons that they mix together and make it difficult. The fact that he values his personal space so much I can understand it because it is related with his mental health problems. However, the more I understand his reasons and his situation, the more I blame myself for wanting to move things on and not just enjoying my life with him as it is since we love each other. He is very honest with me and he has told me that he will never be able to give me what I want. Still, for the past few months, every time I try to break up, he will change the subject, tell me a million times how much he loves me and in general not really letting me go and then I feel that I should be content with what we have and not try for more. But I keep thinking that I want to live with someone together to support each other in all aspects of life, while in the back of my mind I keep thinking that I would also like to have the option for a baby open in the few years that I have left if I want to give birth. This is a definite no from him. Thank you for your time. Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Katia
Love is not enough. Your dreams of being a mother and having a real partnership are of the utmost important thing here. Your life, your life is your own. You are the driver. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR LIFE. You already know where he stands. Don't make excuses and leave. It's not that "he doesn't let you go". You don't need his permission. This is a decision you have to make, not an ultimatum nor a maybe if he sees I am walking, he'll change his mind. HE WON'T. Do you really want to continue wasting your time and life, not to mention your child bearing years on a man who already told you in more ways than one he is not the one for you? It's like buying a house you already know it's burning down and won't be rebuilt ever.
Get out of your feelings for a minute. There is absolutely no reason for you not to want what you want. Your dreams are valid and matter, heck, they're all that matters in your life! He may be great, but he's not in it. Please wake up and see things for what they are. Put your feelings aside, and objectively define your course of action. Feelings are beautiful and useful, but they cannot blind you to the point of making the wrong decisions and causing yourself years of pain.
You can leave this situation, you sure can.
I hope you find strength and clarity. Blessings your way.
If he changes his mind I'll be the first to know. Got to get on and live my life. Its so true Jane. My boyfriend of 3 years is confused with feelings for his overly friendly colleague who is also one of our friends. He decided I'm not the one if he feels this way and he must pursue her. It's heart breaking. I've also been through some difficult things in my childhood so sometimes found it difficult to fully trust myself and him, especially with female friends and then little reassurance from him. And he seems to have commitment issues which may come from his childhood where his parents were divorced and he had to spend a lot of time in a boarding school. We always had the best time together, it's been a great 3 years and I always imagined growing old with him as I love every minute with him and I know he does too. So it's been a shock.
He's in the process of moving out now but he ends up in floods of tears and so do I. I really do genuinely love him with all my heart but I need him to have both feet in the relationship as otherwise it's only half the deal and I'll never be happy. Can't help but hope that he may realise and be able to give me that. But you're right maybe I just need to focus on me and live my life. If he can commit, it's up to him to tell me and regain my confidence in him. So tough to do though!
Just finished mine of 5 years ... Previously tried to finish it but he always came back and I always took him back eventually.. Excuses were aplenty with reasons of not being able to committ.
Now it's finished for good because I gave him the ultimatum of marry me or leave me alone ... It's done ... 🙂
And I guess me moving to another state also helps 🙂
I'm not at the really happy stage yet but I'm getting there ... I feel so much lighter... Long stretched out lesson learnt ...never settle !
I have to laugh at just how simple women are, and it's simply just trying to be in control at all times. That's pretty much it. I can't count how many times I've encountered a woman who, because I wasn't trying to pick her up or leer at her, she went from being upset at her assumption of my being attracted to her, to realizing I was NOT interested (and did not have a clue I was or wasn't) blatantly trying to emasculate or insult me because I'm supposed to find her attractive. How's that for fairness?
Anyway - to put it all out there, I have to say, the very foundation you lay your self-esteem on is all based on, we'll, co-dependency. I see almost all women's lives revolved around "is he thinking about me? Why won't he commit?" When you should really be asking yourself why you need someone else to reassure you of your existence. Do you ever ask questions like this? Does self-indulging behavior justify lack of reasoning? It's absolutely insane to me that women can throw their logic out the window.
Men are humans - and when you put so many nearly impossible standards on us, it's no wonder why women are so severely disappointed and then, inevitably, demonize us. And it goes the other way around with impressing you - we are idolized and that seems to sway your very "reasoning".
Overall, men DO understand you. It's coming to terms or coping with that irrational behavior that boggles our minds, not you as a gender. We are amazed that you are willing to lie to yourself in order to prove something to us, or to your friends, or other women in general.
This statement alone much sums up your gender:
"He won't commit, he's a coward! He just wants to sleep around. He's scared!" to coerce/emasculate him into commitment. And if he does want it "You're trying to hold me down! I'm not your slave! I'm free. I want to have sex with whomever I want! It's my body - HANDS OFF!".
So you see, you're even simpler than what you claim men to be. Way simpler. The difference is you're typically unstable and can't cope with the reality of life being random. It's just how it is. So before you demonize and insult men, before you pretend you don't want us (and ironically devote entire websites to how insignificant us men are) remember that we see how pathetic you are with your attempts to belittle us to reassure yourselves. And we have to laugh because in the end, you spend all this time and energy on someone who doesn't deserve your time?
Good luck.
P.S. You can say what you need to to make yourself feel better. Be my guest. I just know where my integrity lies - with being honest. Maybe you should do the same.
Ladies,
Allow me to offer another viewpoint. I realize this article is a small sampling of your gender, and reasonably all of the comments here will be relating towards the content of this article, however I think heightening self awareness is always a good use of one's time. As a man I have often experienced the same thing from women, they assume and or attack me when I am not interested in them, it can feel at times that they believe I owe them attraction; which when I do feel it is subsequently vilified. Damned if we do, damned if we don't.
I think that the point being missed here is that your worth is not based on whether or not a man is interested in a serious relationship with you, it is why you continue to allow him to offer you less than you believe you deserve? What are you missing so badly that you are willing to let these tepidly interested schmucks waste your time?
Men feel the same feelings, though we tend to broadcast them less. We have seemingly impossible standards to live up too, the main difference is that we are less likely to settle. How many of us have you talked into a relationship we didn't want? I am guessing a lot less than we have talked into accepting a situationship.
Please take a step back, be objective, be honest (at least with yourself) be vulnerable and realize that maybe the issue does not lay solely on these men. Please think about how every person, regardless of gender is going to look out for themselves. That does not make them inherently bad, after the first deal breaker these men didn't break your heart, you broke it yourself by tolerating the behavior.
There Richy, I fixed it for you. Please remember, the accusation that we demonize a gender who regularly hurts us (I don't see much complaining about that here, just the means to get to that point is on trial) seems to be showing through in your response as well. Not all women are bitches and not all men are lecherous. If you are going to portray yourself as objective, and rise above assumptions while simultaneously calling out the behavior in us your point will come across much better without the condescension and pent up anger that seems to be in this post.
Remember Lions don't have to tell anyone they're a lion. Have a better day!
I need some advice..There was this guy that I was dating that I fell in love with. We knew each other since we were 11...I am 29 now..he always tried to pursue me and I blew it off since our mom's were best friends and didn't want to complicate their friendship if it didn't work out. I finally caved in..and we fell in love..two months into the relationship..he started to become very very distant..not the man I fell in love with..we finally spoke and he told me he thought he was ready to be in a relationship and commit but he has too many stressful things going on in his life and he can't give me the attention I deserve. How can someone say they love you and be so quick to leave you? We said to be friends for now and see if maybe in the future it can lead to something more..but have not heard from him..and I did reach out to see how he was doing and I was ignored..don't know what to think at this point
Hi
I had dated my ex boyfriend for almost 4 years starting near the end of high school. We have always loved each other very much and it's a mutual feeling that we are really good together. The 4 years hasn't been completely smooth sailing with a lot of breaks and time apart. Every time we split up, it has always been his decision, and every time we get back together it has always been him coming back to me.
Everytime we split up I become depressed and try to just keep going on with my lie and be strong, but there is always a thought in the back of my head thinking what if he comes back.
This last time we were separated for 6 months which is the longest time we've ever been apart (split up due to very extreme circumstances where he mistreated me), and even though it was his fault, his decision, he recently came back to me asking for forgiveness.
We still love each other very much and I have and always will be willing to do whatever it takes to make us work, but this time is different because I'm trying to stand my ground more on the fact that I need him to provide a more solid future. He loves me very much but he insists he can't commit to me right now at this point in his life, but I feel with our past I need some kind of commitment.
In the past 6 months that we were apart, I have tried to move on very hard but everything is a trigger and I often have panic attacks and in my heart I truly believe he is supposed to be the one.
I recently cut him off after he tried to come back into my life and I said if he wants to be with me he needs to commit. But every day is a struggle and I don't know if I should keep living this way barely surviving or take what he can give right now which is no commitment, since with his track record, he will sooner or later reach out to me again.
Hi Cindy, That sounds like a horrible situation and also exactly the same as what I am dealing with now. After 4.5 years my boyfriend told me he doesn't see himself in a long term relationship or want kids ever. I am left wondering if I should just accept the level of commitment he is willing to to offer or try to have a clean break. I have been crying on an off over the past few days, feeling depressed, can't sleep and no appetite also trying to figure out when we went from happy and loving to this situation. I know its been a year did you take him back? Did you keep going on your own?
Wow! I have to say that I am so thankful that I came across this website of so many women in Similar situations. Jane, thank you also for taking the time to respond the way you do and give of your yourself, knowledge and support! I am struggling badly right now as I write this. I am in a long distance relationship with a guy for 1.5 years. The problem we are having is compromise. He has his two kids on the weekend and I don't even bother to call him anymore because a lot of times he won't answer, and just text me goodnight etc or he left the phone somewhere while he was with the kids. We usually do bible readings before we go to bed at night during the week, and I asked him recently if he wouldn't mind spending 20 min or so after the kids have gone to bed with me one night on the weeknd to continue this. He said that he refuses to put anyone before his kids because this is the only time he has with him. If I can't understand this then it is what it is. This is just one situation that he will not compromise on. I love to communicate and when I do discuss these things with him that bother me or concern me, he calls it nagging. Because of all of this, he no longer wants to talk about us having kids or a marriage until I stop what I'm doing. I tell him what I love about him and how when he does include me on the weekend, or the rare texts, I appreciate it. Anyways, I feel like I will never find a man who will truly care about how I feel and try compromise with me like I do him. I've pushed my boyfriend so far away now that he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. He doesn't feel the same. I'm giving and giving of myself and apologizing when I don't need to, just so he doesn't reject me or break up with me, which happens often. He says he loves me but doesn't see it working out, because I'm requiring him to change certain aspects. I'm not happy either when he isnt considerate, but love him very much yet I can't seem to pull away. It's making me so sick and I feel like if I let him go, I'll be making the biggest mistake of my life and I'm the unreasonable one. I'm so hurt!
No one is that special for you to lose yourself. You're losing yourself over someone who's not in it. Why is that? It's time for introspection, to find yourself and focus on you.
It seems to me everything you've been doing is to covertly manipulate an outcome. You're not aware of it, but I can read it in your post.
A healthy relationship doesn't include you walking on eggshells, begging, nagging or accommodating.
A healthy relationship includes you being who you truly are and being with a man who loves you as you are, who is physically and emotionally available and who you love and accept as he is.
Address the real issue: your feeling you'll never find someone who truly loves you. That's the shift you need to make. Your believing that is what's having you give a lot more than you get to manipulate him into caring. It's not right, it's not how it works. When you give more than you get, the normal result is you acting out and resenting the other person... When it is YOU who is leaving YOU in the dark. You disrespecting yourself.
I hear you, Marita, and yet it's not as personal as it feels. If you can accept him for who he is and where he places his priorities, then you have a chance to make this relationship work. But if you can't, if you need him to change in order to be happy with him, then save yourself the time and energy of trying to change someone and let him go. Life is far too short to be fighting with someone over who's right and who's wrong. You both deserve to be happy!
Ugh. This is so me. I dated a guy for 3 years on and off - who would ALWAYS give up on me. His mom told me I'm his first love and she never seen him act the way he did towards me.
But the reality is - he would always tell me he was scared. Scared of what? Maybe the fact that his mom and dad ended up divorcing after 20 years. Maybe relationships or commitment.
Who knows?
But after 3 years of chasing him and walking on eggshells, I've finally decided to let him go. I can't make him "unscared" nor can I make him into a man. Only God and experiences can.
Here's to letting go
I have been in the same situation myself for the past 8 months. We started our really good and he asked me out after just 3 weeks. About three weeks later he broke up with me. I was devastated. It so happened to be just a week after i met his entire family at a family anniversary party. He called me a week later drunk and thats basically where it all started all over again. Ive basically seen him every weekend for the last 8 months. Sometimes we get really close, and I spend 3 days there in a row. We go to lunch, we go out to bars together, we watch movies. It always feels like its going somewhere just for him to drift off and ignore me all over again. He dates other women, he sleeps with other women, he hits on girls sometimes even in front of me. I don't know why I can't cut him off. I really do love him and I want to walk away for good, but as soon as he calls I don't have the strength to say NO. I really would love some advice on how you moved on from this situation? I go on dates, and can't feel anything for anyone else. Its killing me.
Figure out why you have such disrespect for yourself. You're letting some random user walk all over you and strip away your dignity. You're digging a hole that will be really difficult to get out of.
He may be a user, but you are highly responsible for how this is playing out.
We teach people how to treat us by what we put up with.
Get in touch with your anger and start figuring out why you have such low self-esteem. That's how we start to get out these messes and create better lives for ourselves.
Hi Jane,
I've been searching sites over the past few weeks about dealing with break ups or dealing with one-sided relationships, and I found your blog and finally found something that closely explains the situation I found myself in.
I met this guy at school ( I am in grad school and he is as well)
He is 8 years older than me and has a daughter that he has 50% of the time
Very well educated and we have very similar interests...
I loved that he was a Dad, I felt that maybe that could mean that this time, this guy would maybe take things more seriously, seek something more stable
All in all, I did hear what I wanted to hear. But he was upfront and honest with me at the same time.
He told me that he couldn't handle the pain again of the aftermath of his last relationship (which was with his baby momma 4 years ago)
I have also always instantly become insecure when I get close to someone that I'm interested in and begin to doubt myself
We both freaked each other out because the connection was progressing quickly
He did say he wasn't ready for commitment, he wanted to take things slowly, but then he would say he didn't want to lead me on.
He would also say things like "i'm sure you will meet her, talking about his daughter" and I kept telling him that "I was scared to lose him" because I thought he was perfect. My texts, calls, e-mails etc. came before things were completely done. I kept apologizing for things that weren't really a big deal and he didn't and couldn't be responsible for my pain. We had a second talk because I walked away in the middle of the first one. He said that he didn't want to hurt me and he was really sorry if he did and that he really does care about that. He just said that he's overwhelmed with his daughter, placing her in school, and successfully completely his last Master's class. He also said he was a tad worried about job security although he is faculty, his position is grant based. He then said something about "when the dust settles"...
I apologize for the ramble I'm trying to make sure I give you and everyone else the whole picture
I'm a thinker, and overanalyze too much
I decided recently that I'm done blaming myself for everything and tired of making myself suffered (I suffered long before I met him) but right before I met him I felt like I finally found myself. Anyway.
I keep going back and forth in my head about it all and part of it, I know, is denial
Still trying to figure out how to feel about it all. I know regardless I need to let him go.
Any response to my rational/irrational thinking would be much appreciated
Let me start by saying that I have never even considered putting my life online for advise, but you truly have made a space to feel safe to share our deepest hurts. Jane, its really is incredible to me that you have taken time with each and every commenter to make them feel heard. Thank you for that.
My story with my love began a year and a half ago. Getting out of an emotionally abusive 10 year marriage with a man who had bipolar disorder. After 9 months of planning I was able to leave with my three children, showing them that I respected myself and them and would not continue to allow this type of treatment.
Fast forward a year- I met a man online. We were both looking for just casual companionship at this point. He also had gotten out of an unmarried, but long term relationship. From the start we were something special. A few months in we were both feeling scared that we felt such deep feelings for each other and had a discussion that maybe we shouldn't continue because both of us were not really ready for a life partner. We decided to just roll with it and see where it went. The next year was spent in bliss. Traveling the world together for work and pleasure. We began working with each other's companies and intermixing our lives. He maintained an apartment with some roommates, but had nearly moved in with us, spending all but 2 days a month here. Our connection kept getting stronger and we were falling even more in love. He has treated me in way I didn't even know people did. His actions toward both me and my children have been nothing short of selfless. From shaving my legs, to putting toothpaste on my tooth brush daily, to painting my girls nails, giving me multiple thousands of dollars (without me asking) while I'm going through a rough business patch, taking me to his families home for weekend trips and holidays. Honestly I would wake up every morning with carefully frothed lattes in bed thinking I was in a fairytale. Not to mention, our sex life is incredible. I honestly thought I found my human, my life partner. We discuss future plans ...how we will have one child together and take them on our adventures with us. We've discussed how we will split time between where my ex is and were we want to move. It all was turning into something really beautiful. We have really never had an argument- only discussion that are easily worked through.
A few months back he was talking about finally having a chance to try downhill ski racing. He had seen a 6 week program- across the country, in actually one of my fav cities, the place where we had discussed getting a second home. I was a huge encourager....daily I was on him trying to make sure he followed up to make this a reality. So finally when he decided to go for it, he tells me the program will actually be 4 months long. I was excited for the 6 week, very doable, program not 4 month. This was a different thing. At this point we basically live together and work together- so when one of us is not traveling we have chosen that we enjoy each others company most. I was confused that he was even considering leaving us for 4 months time. For me ...our life was so good I wouldn't have wanted to leave it. This is when I began to think more about our long term goals and started discussions on what we want out of life. I knew in the back of my mind that this was something he had to do for himself and if I ever wanted a full commitment then I would not want to stop him from doing this. I didn't want him to feel regret- as he's always dreamed of making this happen. This is when things started to get hairy. He had expressed to me in the past that he never fully felt committed in any relationship he'd been in. I started to feel his hesitation in making solid verbal plans to be with me long term. He began expressing his concern about being a step dad, one of my children also has bipolar like his father so it is a challenging situation (which he has always handled beautifully). He also was worried about having to deal with my crazy ex for the next 15 years or so ( he is rather disruptive ). So he postpones his departure date by a few weeks and we more or less tabled the conversation as it was the holidays and things were busy. I did question his motives- was he going to return? I needed to hear from him a verbal that we were in fact agreeing to "do life" together and "we" were in his long term plan. He reassured me that we were. He was gone for 10 days- in which we both ached for each other. We had a countdown for his return home for the holidays. He would facetime me from the slopes. We talked all day and all night. It was all the same communication we'd always had, minus the physical interaction, which I missed immensely. He returned for the holidays for 10 blissful days. We were incredible together...again. I din't think I could love him more, but I was. He was putting kids Christmas toys together, cooking holiday meals when we hosted, and treating me like a queen. The last few days of his stay we had a death in the family which involved lots of (my) family time and some stressful stuff. He handled it all with grace. But the last day, he told me he felt a bit suffocated - shoot, I did too. He was referring to all the kid and family responsibilities. We are both very independent people and have always been sure to allow enough space to appreciate each other. But without him having a car here and all the obligations that we had I know it was a bit much. He left the next day to return skiing. When he left again, it reopened all the hurts I had originally about him choosing this over us being together. I just couldn't wrap my brain around why we were doing this. So I think my insecurities began coming out. I have always been secure in myself, not needy, and very go with the flow. So I think I was showing him a side that he wasn't used to- shoot I wasn't used to feeling this way! I opened up the conversation again about what we want out of life....I spent some time digging in myself and clearly wrote our my expectations for my life and potential issues that may arise and how to deal with them. I was very thoughtful and thorough. I wrote this mostly for me, but ended up sharing it with him to assure we were being transparent. We did have the same goals- we wanted to continue to work remotely, traveling a ton, having a baby together, we figured out a timetable for how we'd move to the mountains more fully with my custody agreement. But then we began discussing what would happen when he came home. He said he wasn't ready to move in. From the gate I started I didn't want someone living with me and my children until we were engaged. So I started to talk about marriage. He expressed to me he didn't think he'd ever want to get married. That he really had never been a big believer of it. He said from statistics and family and friends experience it didn't make sense to him. I told him this was something very important to me and despite us having all other things inline I would always want that. I kept thinking to myself ...could I do long term commitment without the actual marriage? I would love to say yes, but in my heart I know I'd long for it. So, I had told him that it really didn't make sense to continue our relationship if this was something that we couldn't come to a resolution on. He begged me to reconsider, but could only assure me by saying " if he would marry anyone it'd be me". He did not say that he wanted to marry me. So we agreed to say goodbye.
So here I am......devastated. Like crazy person devastated. My heart is broken into a million pieces. We are so compatible, so happy, so in love. I'm just confused. He is willing to let me go because of this. I thought he'd fight for me over anything. That he'd be willing to take a look at his fears of marriage. That he wouldn't just let us go. Its typical that words and actions don't line up, but his actions are so right and his words in this case don't make sense. My children tell him they love him....he loves them. We all love each other. I am sick- like ugly cry sick. I can't envision a life without him. I'm not sure how to even get through the next few days. I don't know if I should stop all contact and just let this go- or if I should try to talk though this more. It just doesn't seem that he can give me what I need here. So much of me want to say whatever...let just see how it goes, but I don't want to be regretful if in 5 years when I say it's time to get married he still not ready. I want someone that can't wait to marry me. I'm just so confused. I have been in a haze and have never felt heartbreak like this. Hard to believe people don't actually die from it! So please...Jane...anyone help me sort this out. I need your words of wisdom please. I'm a wreck!
Thank you for taking time to read this very long winded post. It was actually therapeutic for me to write it. <3
I'm so glad you felt the safety created here for you to share, Almostaqueen. Welcome. Thank you for sharing. Find what you're not confused about. Find what you can live with and what you can't. Find your own boundary lines. This journey is about finding ourselves first, before we can begin to figure out what we want or need or will accept from someone else. You're never alone here, and you're always welcome to write as much as you need to make it therapeutic for you. We underestimate how powerful it can be for us to put it all down so we can see the reality we rarely want to see.
I keep coming back to this post. I read what was written. I read what I wrote back in August and here I am 5 months later STILL in the same place. I want to sit here and say that I don't know and I don't understand why things are the way that they are. But I do. This man has no reason or incentive to treat me any better because I accept all that he does. I accept the fact that he wont commit to me. I give him boyfriend privileges that he has never asked for nor earned. And I sit her 2 days before Christmas feeling the same hurt and loneliness that I have felt for the last 2 1/2 years. I wish I knew a magic spell that would snap me back to my senses. Something that would help me to rebuild my self-esteem and realize my worth. I am soooooooo tired of loving someone that doesn't love me back. And if tears were dollars I would be a billionaire because I have cried a river for this man. I have NEVER felt this type of pain before. Even my divorce didn't hurt like this because sadly to say, I didn't love my ex-husband the way I love this man. In my defense I met my husband at 16, married him at 18 and we got divorced 3 years ago. We were young and didn't know any better. But this relationship that I entered after my divorce has crushed me. I thought I knew what I was doing. I have never been so wrong. I mean look at me. I am crying like a toddler, complete with snot bubble (tmi i know) but I am. My makeup is shot and I haven't eaten in days. I am a wreck. I'm 36 years. I have 4 degrees including a juris doctorate. I have an amazing job. Beautiful daughters from my marriage and here I am being the woman I pray they never become. I solve problems all day, every day. I am able to help other people pick up their lives and move forward but here I am, in this dark hole of emotional despair. I so want to say something wise and inspiring to other women. I want to say cliche things like....there are other fish in the sea, or it is his lost. But I feel that we are both losing. But I guess that's life. You live and you learn. I just hope my next lesson doesn't hurt as much as this one.
This article was what I needed to read today. I'm considering breaking it off with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. I love this man more than I've ever loved anyone. I absolutely adore him. We have a strong relationship and I really thought we were going to be together forever. I thought he was he person I was supposed to be with. We were both in the middle of our divorces when we started dating. Mine has been final now for about 21 months and his 12 months. I say this because I feel he moved on too quickly after his separation. When we first started dating, he was talking about us living together. He had gotten an apartment and said he'd probably be breaking the one year lease because he'd move in with me. I was great with that. That was 2 years ago and he still has not moved in. Since then, he avoids talking about a future with me. When I bring it up he says of course he's going to move in someday and marry me it this is only if I bring it up. I've told him I want him to live with me. He says he's not comfortable. About 9 months ago we got into an argument about it because he isn't a communicator and I am. I told him I don't know how much longer I'm going to wait for a complete commitment. 3 months ago I told him I want him to move in by Christmas. He agreed that would be a good timeframe to work towards. I have been so excited thinking about how he's finally come around but also leery because he hasn't talked to me about it since. Christmas is 2 weeks away. So finally last night I asked him if he was moving in by Christmas. He said he's not comfortable with that step yet. I'm so disappointed, in him, in myself, in us. He said he doesn't know what is going to make him comfortable. I told him I feel rejected, that I feel like a fool. He said I shouldn't take it personally. How can I not? This relationship is about he and I and to me it feels like he is saying he isn't sure about us. If he were, this wouldn't be his hang up. I just feel like I'm at the end of my rope with this. This relationship is working for him and he doesn't feel the need to grow or make it better. I'm not happy with how we are. I want a commitment. He says he doesn't know what is going to make his comfortable with moving in? That is a big red flag that he may never be comfortable with it and I'm spending years with a man that isn't going to ever commit fully to me. Any thoughts on my situation would be appreciated. Thank you!
So glad this resonated with you, Katie. I know it feels so personal and you feel rejected, and foolish, but this is really isn't about you. He's not comfortable and he's letting you know. It is disappointing but he can't do this. He's being honest with you. Can you let him be him? Can you allow him to be who he is and what he's comfortable with without making it about you? I know this hurts so much and brings up so much for you, but if you can choose to accept the reality that he's showing you - that this is who he is right now and he doesn't know what it will take to change it - then you can decide what you need to do to take care of yourself through this. Is this the end of your rope? Do you need to do something different for you? You're not going to change him, but you can give him what he's asking for - no pressure, some space, a new focus on you instead of him - and watch what happens. Or you can be done. The choice is always yours! But do what you can honestly live with because the truth will always come through. He's doing what works for him, you do what works for you!
Thank you, Jane. We've talked a little since I wrote you. You're absolutely right. I'm not going to pressure or hound him but I have set a time-frame in my mind as to how much longer I'm willing to wait. Thank you so much for your insight. It's almost like you know him. Your response sounded almost exactly like what he has said to me. Apparently you are both very logical and I was blinded by my anger and frustration.
Hi Jane, I'm back, after nearly 2 years of writing that to you and here I am. Same situation. Been together almost 4 years and still no commitment. I let him be him. I'd mention moving in and getting married every few months but always lived on his terms. But now? I'm tired. I'm exhausted. And I'm defeated. I can't do it anymore. I now longer take it personally, I understand this is his issue and not mine. I've always given my all and loved hard. This is not on me. I have to find a way to move on from this long relationship when I still love and adore this man. I don't know where to start but by ending it and seeing if I can survive after that. Please, help me.
Wow Katie it was so interesting and heartbreaking to read your story and then amazing that you came back two years later with an update. I'm so curious to know what you decided to do and how you are doing now. Thanks for sharing your story it is helping me as I work through something similar.
Can someone please tell me how to get over this man and to get him out of my system. I feel frustrated , hurt, depressed and angry. Why did I do this to myself and Lord Howwwwwww do I gt past this. 2 years of my life just wasted and then the hard part is that it seems as though there are no other eligible men on the planet. UGHHHHHHHHHH. Can someone please tell me how to get through this because I don't know.
You're not alone here, Niki - and I hope you're seeing that. Use this time to get to know yourself and what you're truly looking for in ways you've never discovered before. It wasn't a waste - there's something more for you here even if you can't see it right now. In time you'll come to see just how many eligible men there are on the planet! But you may find them in ways and places and looking quite different than what you've been searching for. Search "letting go" on the blog and you'll find many stories that resemble your own.
Thank you. The pain is suffocating. I just want so badly to forget him and move on.
Why are so many men out there so messed up when it comes to relationships with women?
I just moved into a house with my two daughters after separating from my husband of 18 years and found that it's really hard to take care of everything around the house by myself. Sure I can take out the garbage and shovel snow but fix a dishwasher or fix the closet door that broke? I can't do any of that!
So right now I feel like we need men, and they just don't need us, except for one thing of course.
I found this article after googling ways to stop pining over your ex, how to stop missing your ex, how to get over your ex etc........ This one caught my attention most because it made me think more about myself than him
I recently got dumped, if you can even call it that by a guy that I love and care very deeply for. We met online initially and I didn't want to pursue anything with him because he has 4 children and I couldn't see myself being a mother of 5 (I have 1 child) or more! Against my better judgement and with his pleas to give him a chance and just have "fun" we winded up in a 10 month situation that wasn't called a relationship but had all the perks. We talked/text daily multiple times a day everyday for 10 months straight, I cooked for him, washed his clothes, help clean his house, we traveled together multiple times and of course had amazing sex. We shared our future plans and dreams but never including the other just vaguely mentioning what we wanted for ourselves. We prayed together laughed, he was like my best friend. Then one day he decides he doesn't want to "hurt" me and thinks we should fall back because this was never supposed to be a "forever thing" as he called it. I of course blindsided was devastated and switched gears to say I wanted to give US a real chance regardless of how many kids we would have. As long as my life was shared with him it didn't matter. He went on to say that he didn't want me to hate him and would rather us part so we could be friends. Not wanting to let go I obliged. We are almost 4 months into the "breakup" and I've had 2 meltdowns in front of him telling him to just leave me alone because being his friend is too hard. He insists he doesn't want to lose me yet he now ignores my text sometime or I don't hear from him for days. He has admitted going on dates with other women but nothing serious. I've told him to just leave me alone so I can heal.... He'll go away for a few days but then pop back up to say hi or just act like nothing happened! I want to choose me sooooo bad and block him from contacting me but I feel so happy when he actually does. It's a lose/lose! How can I choose myself when all my options leave me depressed and heart broken?
I know you get inundated with messages, but I really just wanted to add my little raindrop into the ocean of people who've shared this experience, and express my deepest and sincerest gratitude. I couldn't have encountered this article at a better time.
Jane, you've hit the nail on the head with this article. With a mighty sledgehammer of truth. Everything you've said here struck a chord and has really cleared away the oppressive confusion I've been toiling with for about a fortnight.
Like many before me (evidenced from this crazy long comment section), I met a guy who I saw had a great deal of potential. As an admittedly young and inexperienced player in the game of love (add a dash of social awkwardness) I stepped cautiously at first, but then fell head over heels for him, especially when we finally addressed the elephant in the room and shared our mutual feelings... but he said the timing was bad and that he was not in the position for a relationship after having experienced a painful long-term relationship breakup a few months back. He admitted he was afraid of getting hurt. It really sucked, but I took the cue and mentally braced myself to emotionally break away. But we still hung out like before and I thought I'd be okay with keeping things casual, going on regular 'dates that weren't dates' (he didn't cross the physical barrier though, which I'm thankful for) but I just grew to like him even more and the insecurity and longing began to creep in. After I brought up my concerns again, he apologised for the ambiguity and essentially said the same as before. Anyway, long story short, after that second talk he suddenly became distant and basically stopped pursuing. He was still friendly and willing to meet up if I asked... but I could sense the pursuit was over.
Despite my attempts to remain level headed, I still quietly descended into a state of sadness. I fell into the 'would've, should've, and could'ves' state of mind and did some heavy self blaming; that I was too shy, was being too pushy at times, but too aloof other times, and didn't properly respond to his earlier efforts. Ultimately, I felt like I had driven away the guy I thought I could've shared something special with for the first time, and I was really in the dumps. I maintained the distance though, as painful as it was... I still miss him. I was hoping, he'd appear out of nowhere when he was ready and pick things up and in the meantime I would continue with focusing on myself, but he hasn't.
Recently I started to think I was responsible for this rift. I was afraid that walking away might eliminate any small chance of this working altogether and started to consider ways to fix things. I was seriously thinking about breaking this horrible silence and ask him out for one of our old coffee dates, apologise for being pushy about the whole relationship thing, ask if he still felt the same way, and then continue hanging out like before so that hole he left in me could be refilled. Despite my desire for a committed relationship, I was willing to accommodate for his vulnerabilities.
I now realise that I was letting foolishness cloud my judgement. I've been on quite the rollercoaster of internal struggle for these past two weeks, and I have no idea what's going on in his mind... But I feel like seeing this blog was the final nail in the coffin for me. I feel like I can let go of this emotional baggage without regret and walk away. Though I still feel the loss, I'll make a recovery. Thank you for knocking in that last bit of rationality I so direly needed.
I'm so glad this resonated so deeply with you, A; thank you for sharing and adding your beautiful little raindrop here. 🙂 In our heart of hearts, we always know the truth, but it's the confirmation that allows us to truly become free. You can never be too much or not enough for someone who is truly right for you!
I just ended things with a man that I've been dating for 2 years. In the beginning he stated that he didn't want a relationship but then we began to get closer, he introduced me to his mother, family, children. We took trips together, he's spent time with me and my daughter. I cared for him through injury, illness and 3 deaths, including the death of his father. I have never loved anyone like I loved this man, but over the last 2 years he's never committed. He says he doesn't believe in monogamy and is addicted to women. He has made me feel needy, insecure, unstable and emotionally crazed. He has been sleeping with other women and in my heart I knew this but somehow justified it. I walked away this weekend and it's killing me. I Feel like I've lost my love, my friend, my future husband. I hoped that he would beget me to stay, finally say that he loved me and couldn't live without me, but he just let me go, without a fight. Without so much as a word. That's what truly hurts. How do I move on from this? I know that I deserve better but I feel broken. And stupid for loving him with everything in me. I should've known better. I feel lost.
Dear Niki,
I know how devastated you must feel. Anyone in your shoes would cry their hearts out. You're not alone.
You feel like there's no floor underneath you, like you don't know where to go.
All of us here have been there and relate to this. Just know that this too will pass in due time.
For now, do what brings you relief the most. Cry as much as you need to, drink water and be around your closest friends and family. Go to a place in nature and sit still there.
You'll go through all the stages and little by little you'll start to feel better. You'll also start seeing things more objectively and see where you can learn, what you can do different next time for your own well being. Sometimes we're so caught up in what we believe and want to see that we refuse to see what's really happening.
When a man says he doesn't want a relationship, he's addicted to women and doesn't want to commit, please believe him. Take him at his word. We cannot change anyone. People change of their own accord, but we have to look out for ourselves and remember every single time that we have a say. We get to choose and we are responsible for a lot of things. Some things we definitely have no control over, but we always have control over our own selves and decisions.
Please take care of yourself in this stage. Don't stop eating or drinking and don't isolate yourself too much. You need support from those who love you and who you can trust.
Get back up when you're ready, more radiant, wiser and more beautiful than you already are.
God bless you.
Thanks this helped me out a lot, helped me make my decision.
Dear Jane
I am searching for some clarity. He says "we have the rest of our lives" . He also says from time to time how he has avoided marriage and usually it's when he hears of marriage problems. He says he love me. What is going on here?
Karen
We are not young as we are both 65. Neither of us has been married.
He's being as clear as he can be, Karen. "We have the rest of our lives" is where he wants to be. This is working for him. If you can accept where he is - his terms - then you have a relationship. If you can't, then it will be whatever you want it to be. You get to choose.
Hi Jane,
I had to write as reading all these comments has helped, love knows no age for help im 42 and with a guy for a year the same age.
He is a witholder and this year has been filled with arguments and passion due to the fact I dont know where im at half the time.
I have left him so many times and he is like a boomarang keeps coming back begging me.
Hi carrer is up in the air and he blames this for lack of movement in the commitment department, im not so sure.
He has had many failed relationships, him being dumped and this for me is a red flag, he is in the entertainment industry and cares more about his carrer than anyone else.
I have helped him ten fold i have got him films in LA as the composer and many other projects with MTV and his carreer has moved forward because of me, i have worked really hard for nothing for him out of love.
Now ive stoped as was not being valued I feel so much better, I have met his mum under duress and I told him if there is no commitment by October im moving on. I want to settle down and him to move in.
Yes we get on and have fun and amazing chemistry he is faithful and sees me twice a week and does not let me down.
He has been allowed to always do what he wants in relationships and can be selfish, I just won't tollerate that and he has progressed loads since being with me.
I need advice I feel if he doesn't move in in two months then get out of my life, if you don't know by 42 if you want to live with a woman you've been with for a year then you will never know and I'm not prepared to wait anymore that's my limit.
Jane what are your thoughts please help.
" ... if you don't know by 42 if you want to live with a woman you've been with for a year then you will never know and I'm not prepared to wait anymore that's my limit." - You've said it all here, Yazara. Trust yourself; you know.
Your article really helped me feel better 🙂
My situation is not as intense as others, but we have known eachother for years but never really got close. We were together at a party, and ended up really talking which then after we saw eachother numerous times and talked everyday. i left to go overseas after a month which we had both known was going to happen as it was already planned. It was a working holiday - up to 1 year if i chose to stay
We talked everyday for 5 months while i was gone, we were basically long distance dating without being labelled. He told me to come home, that he wanted me ect ect.
2 weeks before i came home, he started ignoring me out of no where, being hot and cold I had no idea why. He then messaged me stating he wasn't ready to commit to anybody and didnt want a girlfriend as he wasnt ready to settle.
This was extremley hurtful as I planned to come home for him, had so much hope in our future. Its heart breaking to be led on for so long with false hope. It was clear he no longer wanted to talk. Should I write a letter ? should i send him a message ? Will he change his mind? Do i just move on, Ill never really know if it would have worked.
I am unsure if I made the right choice of walking away, even after 4 months from the break up - question is will he ever come around and was I just too impatient or am I just making a fool of myself? I was not expecting a whole lot from this man initially, but he ended up being a very nice guy and I fell for him. For reasons unknown to me, he has not have a relationship for a while prior to me. I ended up being his gf that he had for the longest period of time (2.5 years), and the only one he took home to meet his family (esp. his grandma (who he adores and means the world to him). The issue is that he likes to include me much of his activities with his family, but if I don't see the relationship progressing (eg moving in together etc), I rather not participate. He believes me participation is important and wants to make sure that I can get along with them and learn other aspects of him prior to making commitments such as moving in, my stance is if the moving in and progression of the relationship is happening, there is no point for me participating in family event (I dread it... for various reasons). It's a "chicken or the egg?" dilemma... if there is an option/likelihood of progression of the relationship/moving in, I will tolerate the family involvement. He doesn't know if he can make such progression unless he is secure about me being involved into his family. Should I not be so adamant about my time table, get involved in the family and see if he will make the progression ? or do i stick to my guns and convince myself that 2.5 years is enough time that a person need to make decisions to progress the relationship (whether or not he is 100% of my interaction/involvement with the family) and move on to the search for a new relationship that will move along according to/similar to my time table? Other than this issue (a huge one) we were very compatible.
Trust your gut instinct here, Marnie; you know what you can live with and what you can't. You don't need to make excuses for him. 2.5 years is more than enough time that a person needs to make decisions to progress the relationship (whether or not he is 100% of my interaction/involvement with the family). More than enough.
The guy I am desperately in love with is muslim and I am christian. It has been both the greatest and worst 5 years of my life. Although his friends and cousin know about us his mother still doesnt know. I have put up with this simply because I love him . I have dated many guys before him and in between ( when we had broke up and I tried to move on) no one has ever inspired the kind of feelings he has made me feel.
I do not want to get married right now since I am only 25 but each time I ask about our future he refuses to answer me . It frustrates me to the extent where I lose my control because every time I left him and tried to move on ..after a couple of months he would contact me saying how much he misses me and how he feels he is pretty much screwed without me ( all the things I want to hear). As far as I know he has not been with any other woman but me ..( we live close to each other and have the same friends) So I know he loves me very much in his own way..but I feel like im going to go insane if I wait any longer especially since he cant even give me and YES or NO regarding our future together??! ( He owes me THAT much for putting up with everything for so long) at the same time I cant seem to shake him off or forget him or even move on with anyone else. I have tried...I feel like im doomed, destined to love him from far .
As long as you insist that someone owes you something, you give them all your power, Sienna. This is your beautiful life. You're the one who gets to choose what you want in your life and what you don't. See him for who he is. Someone who can't - or won't - give you an answer that you're asking for. Someone who's making his own choice by allowing something other than love to dictate his relationship with you.
This is who he is. This is what he's choosing. Now it's your turn to choose. "Because I love him" is a beautiful sentiment, but in the reality of a situation like this, it can hurt you more than anything else. Look at the reality. Look at what he shows you. Look at this life right now how it is. This is your reality. You're not going to change him - that's never your role. Can you live like this?
Hi Jane!
I wish someone had told me this awhile ago! For a long time , when I found that a guy didn't want a commitment I would beat myself up over it. I would look in the mirror and say "what does (insert girl's name) have that I don't?" My friends and family would tell me that I didn't do anything wrong but I didn't believe them. I thought they were just saying things to be nice to me. Then I figured out that it had nothing to with how I looked or the way I acted. I realized that this guy just didn't like me or he just didn't want a commitment and that there was nothing I could to do change his mind. Of course I found it frustrating but now when I meet a guy and find out that he doesn't want a commitment, then I'll just accept it. I know in my heart that somewhere there's a guy who will be proud to be with me and call me his girlfriend.
And there is, Alysha - he's going to adore you and want that committed relationship with you, too! It's what we do oh so well - believing there's something someone else has that we don't. So not true! "...now when I meet a guy and find out that he doesn't want a commitment, then I'll just accept it." - and remind yourself that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you!
Hey Jane!
I came across this article because I was googling out of despair, and it has given me the relief I needed. I met this guy ten years my senior when he was on a study exchange in my country. We barely hung out for two days before he left for home but he insisted on staying in touch with me. He told me I made him feel what he hasn't felt in a long time. Being so inexperienced, of course, I fell for it. We spoke day and night and after eight months of constant communication we decided to meet up. I should mention that it wasn't a relationship that we had. He was dating other people at the time and expected that I would do the same, but the circumstances are a lot different for the both of us. Anyway we met up in London, where he is currently finishing a Masters degree and I have a brother studying there. We stayed together for two weeks and everything was perfect, but I never knew exactly how he felt because he is so adept at hiding his emotions.
I told him I was willing to do long distance but he said he doesn't want it because we are not engaged or whatever. I told him I felt a lot more towards him than what he felt for me and so I would rather stop the communication and he reluctantly agreed. When I came home he kept trying to connect with me and when I let him back in again he grew cold. When I finally got the nerve to confront him he told me he didn't feel the same, and said it was a combination of distance and the fact that he was starting a new school year. I was heart broken, and I ignored him. I went to London again during Christmas and told him I didn't want to see him but throughout my trip there he kept begging to see me. I kept refusing and when I came back he still maintained his connection with me. I tried to let go of him so many times but I can't. I love him with all I have. He told me recently that he wishes things were different and we could have gotten married and started our lives. I have an extremely hard time believing the sincerity of that even though I really want to believe it. I know in my heart that he cares, but I also know that if he cared enough he would stop talking to me because he knows his effect on me. I dont know what to do. I dont want to give him up even though I should. I still have hope. Is it absolutely hopeless?
I'm so glad this has given you some relief, Tina. Welcome! I hope you're seeing that you're not alone.
It's as hopeless as either of you wants it to be. If he "wishes things were different and we could have gotten married and started our lives", he wouldn't have to wish for it; he could have made that happen by asking you to marry him, by asking you to start your lives together, by doing something about it instead of leading you on with words that have no actions to back them up.
That's what this is, Tina. Words. Fantasy. And a man who, as you said in your own words, is "so adept at hiding his emotions". This push and pull behavior between the two of you is how this works so well. You pull away saying you can't do it, then he feels "safe" with not having to commit to more than he's clearly comfortable with, and tries to pull you in again. Then when you're in, he tells you something to push you back away, then he pulls you back in, and you push yourself away. Back and forth it goes until one of you decides this isn't working anymore and does something about it.
This isn't love. This isn't what a real relationship is. As long as this is working for him, he's not going to change it. You're the one who needs to decide for yourself what you want. Is it this? If it isn't this, the way it is in reality, not in the fantasy of what it could be or might be or should be if only he could see things the way you do, then don't put yourself through this any longer. It's not up to him to do the right thing, it's up to you to let him know what you're willing to put up with and what you're not by letting your actions speak for themselves.
You deserve so much more than this, Tina, but until you believe that for yourself, it's hard to not keep doing the same thing over and over again, believing that one of these times it's going to be different.
Thank you so much for this article, this was exactly what I needed to read. I was dating a guy just shy of a year. The first 6 months were a lot of ups and downs. We had plenty fun and romance, and we had some uncomfortable situations where we would discuss our future since he didn't want to commit. One day I found out he had been talking to another girl I had enough and was ready to walk away. He begged me to stay and said that he was going to tell me that he wanted to commit that same night. I don't know if I believe that anymore... But we started a relationship which on the outside seemed to be a good one. Of course we had arguments and miscommunications like any other new couple, but in all we had a wonderful time together. There was always a little voice inside me though, and it kept telling me that he wasn't for me. Not that he wasn't my type or because I didn't love him. But because I always felt unsure of the way he felt about me- though he told me he loved me. Now 5 months later we have broken up. We filled out paperwork to get an apartment together, had a puppy waiting for us to come pick him up, I took him to my home country to meet my family, we were planning on buying a place for ourselves in about a year, and he even told me he wanted to marry me and was planning a proposal. Then everything went downhill. He wanted to slow things down, he was starting to get anxiety. I felt horrible that the man I loved more than anything, my best friend, was having doubts about us. And these thoughts and feelings consumed me. For about 2 weeks we would have several conversations about this, but he would never say anything to make me feel better. In fact, I just felt worse. One day it became to be too much for me, so I told him to come pick his stuff up. He didn't argue, didn't even fight for me! He simply accepted it and came to my apartment with the mentality of "I'm just gonna get my stuff and walk away". I was good to this man, I loved him with all my heart- and still do. But I have realized that I fall into the category discussed here. I lost a part of myself when I lost him, and I felt the world coming crashing down on my shoulders. I couldn't eat, sleep or concentrate on anything. And so I started texting, begging, trying to convince him. I felt ashamed of myself. I have always been a confident and independent woman, and I let myself stoop to this level for a man who wasn't even willing to put any work into a woman who would have sacrificed the world for him. But I am just now starting to pick up the pieces. I love him, but I realize that I do deserve better than what he was giving me- and our relationship. I deserve to be with someone who doesn't leave a shred of doubt in my mind that he wants to be with me. I deserve to be with someone who would do anything to be my man, and would treat me like there is no other woman in this world for him. Does it still hurt? Of course it does... When I love someone, I love passionately and full heartedly. But I cannot deprive myself of the love I want for someone who's willing to give me up without a fight...
Dearest Jane,
I absolutely think you are the most positive and refreshing voice I have stumbled across in many years. I thank you for placing yourself in the position of a positive life and love coach to so many of us who need to hear we are not alone and our lives have meaning, substance, and most of all, the ability to accept the stirrings of love we each seek to fulfill with beloved hope. Settling for less is a dark place we all struggle to escape from while we invite the spirit of friendship and love to settle upon our lives like a mist in the forest of men we may choose to allow into our hearts.
I am at a cross roads so to speak because I have allowed myself to fall in love with a man I had stumbled across as if God willed me to cross his path. The gentleman has been married 4 times, and has suffered many hurts, pains, and struggles along his journey. However, he takes responsibility for his failed marriages and the part he played with his actions. He is a loving, kind, and Catholic man who wants to follow the path of our faith, and he states frequently that I remind him of his mother who he loved dearly, but lost to cancer 19 years ago. She is on a pedestal of love, and he places me on it too, which I have asked him not to do because we should be 2 equals on the same page.
I have dated him for 4 years, and I have met his family including his three children whom I care about, and I have engaged in many family events, and he has met my children from a previous marriage, which lasted 28 years. My former spouse cheated on me for a lengthy period and completely broke our 3 children and our home apart. Since then, I have done the hard work to recover my smile, outlook, and learn forgiveness for our actions, which ended our marriage. My previous relationship ended 9 years ago, and we are comfortable as friends.
The current man I love struggles with OCD, and I have come to believe over a period of time has a sex obsession/addiction with a specific part of the anatomy for enormously large breasts. At 53, I have a body that bore children, and I have sags in the wrong places, and dimples, lumps, and fat in other places. My body image isn't the best, but I still will not give up on myself or view myself with less than love and worth for who I am. Sex can me uncomfortable with him at times because of how I view my body. This is not his issue, but this is my issue I must deal with somehow.
He seems unable to have the self control to recognize he stares at women a lot when we are out in society, and states things like "but I go home with you." I told him this places me in the position of feeling like an option, and I feel hurt while my self-esteem, and self-confidence sinks because I feel like I am competing with a complete stranger for his attention. His preference over his lifetime have been petite blond, blue eyed, very larger chested women. I am the complete opposite because I am tall, brunette with green eyes, and very saggy breasts. I have asked him frequently what he sees in me, but he responds by telling me I have other attributes that are attractive. Laughingly, he compares looking at a beautiful car as a comparison to his actions for why he looks at other women, and he states, about 95% of men behave this way, unless they are gay. Otherwise he treats me well, but I have noticed that he systematically has managed down over time our outings and he would rather stay at his house because he doesn't want to deal with hypervigilance for scanning the area for what I know he will look at, or my hurt and reactions while we are out. I had envisioned a future with him, which he doesn't dispute, but is unable to tell me he can marry me in the future. At this point he admits he doesn't feel marriage to me inside yet, and he believes we should live in the moment and get to know each other better. Which I agree is a good move, but he also states we need to leave our relationship in God's hands, and I need to wait for him to come to the moment where he feels this desire of marriage within his heart, and then he will initiate the act of asking me to marry him. At present, our relationship skims along on his terms, which includes staying together every weekend from Friday night to Sunday evening, and attending church on Sunday morning. He claims me as his girlfriend to everyone, and is able to introduce me and take me anywhere as his partner. We even hold hands while we are out and about town.
Last night we had a conversation again about our future, I did a lot of crying, which I increasingly seem to do lately because my body is moving through the motions of grief even though my brain seems to resist what my body is telling me. The conversation ended with the same response he previously uses and continues to tell me to leave it in God's hands.
Here is my dilemma, we have gotten to know each other for the last 4 years and my question is this, at what point do I let go of my need to marry him, and am I wrong for wanting to discuss a future of marriage with him? When he brings God into the picture, he is able to effectively shut me down and manager my expectations, and then I struggle with my cyclical behavior of trying to grow our relationship with God as our focus. The cyclical part is me letting go of wanting to marry him, and then continuing to be with him over time treating me well, and becoming happy, and then envisioning a future with him, and finally crying and grieving to him because he cannot give me more. Somewhere along the line, I chose to ignore the flags of intuition because 4 previous marriages is definitely a red flag I should not have ignored, and the fact he cannot control his wandering eye is another red flag, and his ability to offload on God to give him an answer of when it is right someday is another red flag.
Why do I allow red flags that are obvious to cloud my boundaries, self worth, emotions, and reasoning, how can I defend herself from such an onslaught of past memories with my lover, perceived warmth, loving family get together's, and a determination by the man to keep things on his terms. Why do I find him so hard to let go of or am I the one with the commitment problems because I am unable to allow our relationship to be fluid and let our journey take it's course?
Thank you for any loving answers you can provide because I am tired of reading everything on the internet about relationships, OCD behaviors and every blog in between searching for insight into why I have so much inertia with my behavior, motivations, and needs.
Warm regards and blessings.
Miss journey of love
Thank you for your kind words, Miss journey of love. 🙂 I'm so glad you found your way here. Reading through your words, I was forming a response to you when I came to the end of your story and read the same words I was going to say to you in your own. "Somewhere along the line, I chose to ignore the flags of intuition because 4 previous marriages is definitely a red flag I should not have ignored, and the fact he cannot control his wandering eye is another red flag, and his ability to offload on God to give him an answer of when it is right someday is another red flag." You know your own answers. You know what is the most loving thing you can do for yourself. You know how you deserve to be treated - and how you don't. You know what you can live with - and what you can't.
This inertia you talk about is because you are so torn within yourself. You want him to be everything you want, but he doesn't want to be. He's content to not take any action himself so that he doesn't have to answer to you or be responsible for his indecision that creates a decision in the process. He is showing you that he is living by his own terms and if you want to be with him, then you must live by his terms, too.
Don't worry about the "whys"; do what you know you need to do for you. That's what matters!
I feel like I can relate to this article. When I was about 18 I met a guy (let's call him B) and I thought he was " the one". Then I found out a couple of months later that B had hooked up with a girl at a party who quickly turned into his girlfriend. I was heartbroken, and I kept acting myself "what did I do wrong?" Then I realized that I wasn't at fault. He decided to start dating someone and not tell me. Anyways B would talk about how amazing his girlfriend was but I eventually got sick of hearing about her, so I ended our friendship. About a year later B contacted me (probably to try to fix our friendship) but I told him I wanted nothing to do with him. I told was sick of all the drama and everything that he put me through. Ever since B has been out of my life, I have been the happiest girl ever! I have met so many guys who treat me better, and that's a good feeling.
"Ever since B has been out of my life, I have been the happiest girl ever! I have met so many guys who treat me better, and that's a good feeling." - Love hearing this, Alysha. That's the way you want to feel!
Hi Jane,
My story is oh so familiar. I ended a 17 year loveless marriage and made the age old mistake of falling for a much younger man. This lasted a couple of years but he ended it and I was left heartbroken. It took me a year to get myself back together but was happy being single again and living my life with my two daughters. Two years ago I met a man through work and we clicked from the start. He is everything I could want, warm, friendly, kind and generous. He has done numerous jobs for me at my home without me asking etc. The problem is from the start he has said we are just friends. We have a fantastic sex life he takes me out out to dinner on a regular basis and treats me like a queen. He has never been married and only ever had one serious relationship when he was much younger in which he got very hurt. He is very set in his ways though and will not see me at weekend as this is his time whilst he goes football, horse racing and does his own jobs around his house. To start off with I was happy with the situation as I wasn't looking for any kind of relationship and have never gave him any other indication. He has never invited me to his home and he never sleeps over at mine we only spend the full night together when we are on work trips. Recently he had to have an operation and was off work for 5 weeks and could not drive. He moved in with his friend for a couple of weeks until he got his mobility back. During the 5 weeks I didn't see him although he text and phoned nearly everyday even texting me as soon as he came out of anesthetic after the op. I have come to love this man but have never told him. I was so hurt when he did not ask for my assistance when recovering but again was too scared to tell him. We went out last Thursday for our Christmas drink and had a wonderful time together. I invited him for Christmas lunch although I knew he would refuse as he always visits his parents graves and has lunch with his Aunt. I am having all my family round on Boxing day and also invited him but again I didn't expect him to accept as I knew he had a football match. Anyway I got home after our date and just felt do lonely. I text him and told him I thought the world of him but we we're too different and I needed the real thing. He replied and said he hadn't expected to hear that but understood what I was saying and would always be there if I needed him. I know I've done the right thing but am finding it so hard. He was my best friend and I miss him.
You did the right thing by getting out of this friends with benefits thing. This has unrequited "love" written all over it. I'm glad you chose yourself even if it hurts. That is how you come to know what you want and stand for it. You'll miss him at first, but as long as there's no contact and you set yourself in the reality of what is and what it was and wasn't, you'll feel better much faster than you think. Hugs.
I have been seeing a guy I met online for 5 months. I have not met his family yet that is happening on Christmas day. We see each other every weekend. I drive to see him 90 min every Saturday and drive back home after spending only 3-4 hours together. We go out and do things together and have fun. We've only been just friends so far. He's told me that our distance is a issue between us he's also told me that he thinks I can find someone better than him and he's told me that he doesn't think seeing each other is a commitment. It is for me I feel like I am showing him I am committed to him by making the trip every week. He has told me that he wants to take things slow and see where things go between us. He's still on the dating site were we originally met and he checks it every day. When I asked him about it he admitted it. I am thinking about relocating to his area so we can have more time together. After 5 months (almost 6 now) I am thinking if he was going to commit he would have done so by now. Please tell me your thoughts on all of this? I feel like I am wasting my time with this man.
If you have to ask, you already know the answer. Let me point out what you wrote he said: distance is an issue. He doesn't think seeing you is a commitment. You can find someone better than him. He checks the site everyday.
Besides that: you're the one doing the commuting, you're the one eager to show how committed you are to a man who is not committed to you and doesn't seem to want to be.
I think that sums it up and you can choose to see that for what it is so you don't "waste your time". I know how hard it is, but you need to face things and do the best for yourself always, above everyone else you go. You're doing all the work. He has no reason to do anything. What works for us as women is not the same that works for men. I really hope you find the clarity and strength you need to love yourself and walk away from someone who doesn't really care right into your own arms and later into the arms of a man who can actually love you to pieces. You are worth too much. Big hug.
This article is amazing! I have this exact problem but so many other details. I am 22 and broke offf a 4 year relationship about 8 months ago. I met my current man 6 months ago and we have been "together" ever since. The only problem is, he won't call us a couple. He got out of a 5 year relationship about a year ago, and just will not commit to me. He is a born again Christian and says his next girlfriend should be his wife! It is hard to explain this to my friends who see that I need the commitment. I have also recently said I love you, and he has not said it back. To make matters ten times worse, my mother kicked me out, so I am currently in limbo living with him until I close on my first house. He makes me feel loved, especially after taking me in, but won't introduce me to his church friends or tell anyone we're dating. I really don't know what to do, besides wait it out until I can move out and see if he chases me. I love him, though, and am just so confused. He also had a horrible childhood, so I try to make allowances for that, but my upbringing really wasn't great either. Please Help! Thank you.
Oh Annie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It seems like a not so great situation indeed. I hope you get your home soon so you can move out. It seems like he's not on the same page you are. I felt really sad reading about how you said you loved him and he didn't say it back. I do wonder what you mean by saying he makes you feel loved. Do you really feel loved? How? Sometimes we get clouded by our own desires. I think it would be great for you if you just focused on your own life. You need time for yourself. And please know you deserve someone who loves you, says it, means it and shows it. Someone who doesn't make you even question anything like you are right now. We all have baggage, but make no mistake: we are only responsible for our own baggage, no one else's. It is not good for you to make allowances to someone to hurt you just because he had a rough childhood. That may be so and you might love him and therefore understand him, but your boundaries have to be clear. I do hope you get your situation clear soon. It seems like you need to really think about yourself, what you want for yourself and accept nothing less than what you want and deserve. Big hug.
Thank you, Angel. I couldn't have said this better myself. 🙂
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Annie; it sounds like you're going through a tough time right now. Remember that you're not here to change anyone or make anyone commit to you or love you the way you so want him to. What he can and can't give you is the reality of your "relationship" regardless of how many allowance you make for him.
It's so easy to get caught up in the potential of what you know it could be like if only he could see it too, but if he's not there, you can't be the only one willing to work on something that requires the two of you.
We're never really confused; we just don't want to see the writing on the wall, the behavior that's right there in front of you showing the reality of what he can and can't give you.
We all have our baggage, our issues, our stuff; what matters is what you can live live with and what you can't. He's obviously going to do what he wants to do and what works for him without regard for you, you deserve to do the same for you.
This is the article I was searching for. I am obsessed with him and had no life without him. past three days I get to know him better. He has a job and he was expected to have a better job as a cabin crew member. But he got failed from the last interview. I was the last one to know all of that. only thing he did was sending me a short text saying "I didn't got selected". I send some texts to make him alright because he told me to not to call him at that moment. after that I give him some space and after 5 hours I called and called again, He is not even trying to text me where he is. I was so worried and afraid. But he did not answer my calls or texts. for the past two days also he doesn't care about what I feel or how sad I get when he is upset. All he want is to be alone and watch T.v and do his stuff. I got really heartbroken and I don't know what to do. everytime I called him , he ignores me. He was like this before but this time it is out of my control. So I made a decision to let him be free. I may talk to him as usual and be with him in his tough times, but I'm not gonna have hopes on him. Today for the first time in my life I called him and hang up phone after a 2 minutes call. he is the one who is hung up on me always. It feels really good. I need some advice to make myself ok.
You're more than ok, Piki! Regardless of how anyone else responds to you, you're still ok. It's how we know where we belong and where we don't. The ones who "always hangs up on you, only want to be alone and watch TV and do his own stuff" aren't the ones you want to be with unless you want to be treated like that. It's how you know. You can't make it feel like love if it's not love. It has to be loving to be love!
Hi Jane, you are simply amazing. So glad I found this topic.
My situation: I have been seeing this guy for 8 months now. I met him at my work and we talked occasionally. Finally, he asked me out and I accepted just for fun. I already knew he has some issues or problems but never really thought about it. After a month or two I fell for him and of course we had first fights and misunderstandings during which he told me that I should run away from him as far as possible and that he doesn't see any reason for me being with him except his selfish desire. When I asked what he meant he said he has issues, he is bad in relationships and doesn't want to hurt me. Even though he was saying all these things he wasn't willing to really let me go. So we kept seeing each other.
I want to say that he is a perfect gentleman, always treats me nice and cares about me (getting up in the middle of the night to check if I am cold, hot, if I need anything...).
During those months we were seeing each other we had few "break-ups" but always ended up together and he was mostly the one to initiate it.
My problem is we never talked about being in a relationship, we are just seeing each other, text and call daily but never talked about future. Actually, we have a problem to talk about "us'.
I recently mentioned what bothers me and he said that he likes me, enjoys being with me but he has issues and he is not sure where all this goes. I told him then we don't want the same thing obviously and that I don't want to do that anymore. But he insisted that we should keep seeing each other and see what happens.
I stopped seeing him after that (it's been a month) but he didn't stop calling me or texting me and trying to see me.
Additional info: He never told me what his issues are and doesn't feel comfortable talking about it. I know he had few long relationships and was cheated on once or twice. He told me he didn't kiss or invited anyone to his house before me for over three years and that it is a big deal for him. I guess he wanted to say I mean something to him??? And when I bring up relationship subject he says he cant be in a relationship right now with anyone but that can change with time.
My question is what do I do? Should I be more patient or he is just never going to change? I was pretty much loved in my every relationship and now my confidence level is not as great as it used to be but, on the other hand, I am truly in love for the first time.
Hi, Emy.
I have been in your situation and I absolutely know how you feel.
Here's what I see: he is selfish. He's keeping you in the back burner till someone "better" comes along. He's disrespecting you and you're allowing him to. Our feelings in this fairy tale thing we create blind us to reality and make us fumble as to what we want. Is this it? Is this what you want for yourself? A non-relationship with someone who doesn't develop any intimacy with you? Someone who doesn't even trust you enough to let her see him for who he honestly is? Someone who has already told you and showed you everything you need to know to know he's not boyfriend material? He doesn't and most probably won't give you a full loving committed relationship that by the way you absolutely deserve. Waiting? Are you willing to risk wasting time like so many beautiful smart women out there have already done only to be given the boot later on when he found someone else?
He knows what he has and he has it all good and, while it may be a big deal for him that you are the first in a long time, the reality is it is NOT enough for you. Don't accept crumbs. It is hard to walk away. Hell, I've been trying for the last 6 months, but I am sick and tired of allowing men to treat me like this. They get comfortable. We, my dear, WE have to lead the way. We have to get clear on what it is we want and accept nothing less. In time you will see light. Waiting? Waiting is wasting precious time that you could be spending living life, following your passions and meeting other men who most certainly would want to give you everything you want.
Think about it. He already told you where he stands. The ball's in your court. Sending you strength, clarity and tons of love.
Hi
I dated a man for two years. He pursued me and professed love early and a life and future together. I was hesitant but fell and fell hard. Fast forward broken up for 6 weeks. I am so heartbroken. He told me that he did not want a committment and did not want to dangle a carrot that one day he would commit. He told me that I was taking a risk in staying with him. He too said the every other weekend was heven. I agreed for the time as I have a young child. I wanted to know that one day we would grow old together. He said it wasn't fair to him to be with someone whose needs he couldn't meet. I ended the relationship as my self esteem took a nosedive and the pain was unbearable.
Thank you for writing, Jane. When reading your articles, something just clicked in my mind and I was finally at peace with my guy situation. You write with such loving kindness and that was what really helped me recover. Thanks again Jane, you're heavensent. Take care.
Christine
You're so welcome, Christine. And thank you for your beautiful words! We're not meant to go through this alone, without the love and support of someone who understands, who reminds us who we are when we lose sight of ourselves. So glad to be able to do that for you!
I could really use some advise...I'm a divorced mother with one daughter. I met my current boyfriend 2 years after my split and we've been together for almost 4 years now. After a year and a half living in towns 45 minutes apart and spending one day during the week and weekends together we'd still not yet said the L word or talked of any future together but were very happy together. He's an amazing, hard working, respectful man who's also a little quieter and keeps lots of things inside so it can be hard to get him to open up. One night at the year and a half mark we had a big talk and he told me he wanted us to move in together, not only that but that he wanted to have kids with me. I was shocked but happy and excited and said yes but that my one condition was that he told me he loved me. He did and everything was amazing after that. We've lived together for 2 years now, my daughter loves him and everything is pretty great except the fact that though we now live together that's as far as the commitment has gone. We said we'd start trying to get pregnant the summer after we moved in together but that didn't happen. He said after we lived together for a while we'd get married but that hasn't happened. We actually finally started trying to get pregnant about 4 months ago, I got pregnant after 3 months. The day we found out was pretty good but the next day he freaked out and was a mess saying that he's not ready and is in over his head. I couldn't believe he reacted that way and was extremely upset. A few days later he finally started to come around and I thought everything was going to be good again and then I lost the baby. It was devastating. Now we've gone back to not trying and me feeling like our future is up in the air again. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone and have so much fun with him and don't want to lose him but I can't help but feel like I'm only good enough to play the part but not good enough to actually go ahead with the commitment and plans that we had made. I feel stuck as it will break my heart to end it if he just can't take that step forward with me but I'm a big girl and have always been fine with being single, it's that it will break my daughters heart to lose him and his family. It was hard enough on her when she was 4 going through the split with her dad but at 10 to lose this great man who she looks up to and after being in her life for 4 years I think it would be even harder on her and I just don't want to put her through that. I feel though that if he doesn't move forward with our relationship that I'm just going to get more bitter and resentful and that our relationship with fall apart at some point anyway. I'd honestly probably even be fine about not getting married again or having kids if he didn't tell me 2 and a half years ago that he wanted that with me. Why now am I not good enough to go through with it or do I just continue to wait and hope?? 🙁
My heart so goes out to you, Suzi. You are more than "good enough"! Don't tie your worth to what someone else is or isn't capable of. If you can dig deeper into that story that tells you that you're "not good enough" you'll find your answers underneath. It's all about weighing what he's worth to you, what having him in your life on his terms is worth to you - and in your case, your daughters that you're concerned about, too. Only you know what you can live with and what you can't, but choose what brings you peace and happiness, choose what leaves you with the least amount of regrets. You're setting an example for your daughters on what standard of love they should expect for themselves, too. If they were in the same situation as you, ask yourself what would you say to them?
hello Jane,
Ii met this man 2/ years ago . He was married and i was engaged with someone I didn't love . This man is an international student and. We have been living together for 18 months. He got divorce but still has contact with the ex bc of the children. During this time together I said I love you to him but he refused to say it and just smiled. I then stopped saying it bc I fell like a fool . Ever since my love for him slowly been dying. No one back in his home country know about le . The ex thinks he has someone but he. Has not admitted it. Things are not transparent , i dont really know how they ate getting along .. What type of relationship they have over the phone of they have in someway made up.. And she doesn't know a out me. I never post pictures of us. Online .. Neither does he. , this relationship just doesn't feel real. I resent him for. Not committing more , lately i can barely stand him ..i find myself irritated and bitter. Today I asked him if he. Has thought abouy marriage and. And. Possibly having. More. Kids . Ge said no, that is something he. Is nott planning on doing. For now. I told him that i am tired of waiting and not feeling loved and truly valued . I broke up with him tonight ..wheneverr this happens he tries to be all lovey dovey but that dont last long , he never tells me. Anything about his children how they are etc... Ofr about her .. I just feel like if therre is nothing going on why does he avoid talking about it. He told me once he didn't want her to know that he is in another relationship bc he is afraid he won't hear from his children again and him being overseas makes it difficult to act on hiis legal rights. Im fed up ..im not the sweet loving woman he met ..im tired. And cant stand how he can sit there and tell e that. Things will just happeen .
Only you know when you've had enough, Jollymo. But when you're tired of living the way you have, you always know. Don't doubt yourself for listening to the voice inside you that could no longer be silenced; it's how you know. And if it's meant to be, it will be - because both of you will want it to be and will make it happen. You can't do this all on your own.
Jane,
I love your advice.
I've fallen in the love with the most amazing person I've ever met. We are so happy together that I feel its too good to be true. We been dating for 2 years and spend mostly everyday together (mostly form his part). One problem that is always in the corner of my thoughts is that sometimes he doesn't admit to us. All close friends and family know of us, I'm a part of his family, that's not the problem. But to his girl "friends" he simply cant say were bf/gf, he just says were seeing each other. Its almost like he doesn't want them to know, he likes to lead them on. I think he doesn't want to not be chased anymore, if that makes sense? And a few times he has crossed the friendship line with these friends which to be is not acceptable. So I told him that he's simply not ready for this commitment yet, we are pretty serious and I think that scares him. But he still doesn't want to end things? He refuses to let me go. This breaks my heart so much because I know he's not ready, but why doesn't he just let me go? its hard to leave someone that's telling me everyday how much he loves me and needs me and cant be without me. I don't know what to do, we have plans for the future, our families are involved etc.
Des Jane,
I'm currently going through a tough time in my life. Up until a few weeks ago, I was suppose to move up state with my boyfriend because he currently got a job offer there. I was going to finish my BSW degree, which I got accepted to school there as well. Anyways, he all of a sudden changed his mind because his new job was apparently too much and he didn't want to move in because he wasn't ready to live with me, even though that was the original plan. Now it's been a few days since we ended our relationship and Im completely confused. What are the chances of him having doubts hat he made a bad decision when breaking it's off? I'm only 25 and have been dating him for 1.5 years. This is hard because I thought he was the one.
Thanks,
Leah
I have been living with my boyfriend for 4 years. We are both in our 50's Our relationship in the beginning was wonderful. He was so loving and thoughtful which was so nice because I had just ended a 25 year marriage that was extremely lonely. I felt we moved in together a little to soon but it was because of a situation. Soon after we moved I had some family issues ( kids getting into trouble , parents ill, etc) kind of a tough time in my life. Tho my husband and I had been separated for a long time and didn't want to be together. We never divorced.
My boyfriend started putting pressure on my to get divorced. The stress seemed too much to handle. I was so worried about my daughter and everything else I just didn't do it.
He finally broke up with me, but never moved out. He cut all communication with me. Except when we saw each other at home. I asked him to move out if we couldn't get back together. I felt I really loved him but had so much on my plate, but he just wouldn't move out. Or didn't. Soon after he started seeing someone (while he was still living with me) This made me feel totally out of control. I behaved in ways I never thought possible. I wanted him back so bad. I got the divorce. Things evened out with my daughter and my parents over a few months. I was so sick I lost 40lbs in 6 weeks. I have never felt like that before. He finally stopped seeing her because he said it was too painful for me. He was seeing her for 5 months but only casually. This all happened over the last 12 months.
So now he still hasn't moved out but we eat together, watch a little tv together but he really gives me no encouragement that we will be back together. He sleeps in another room and we do kiss goodbye but I feel he is just trying to make me happy.
I have expressed how I feel and that I want him back
My question is if he doesn't want to be with me which is how he is treating me then why won't he move out.
He still doesn't text me and rarely calls me and usually it's for a purpose
I know I'm 50 and should be better at relationships but he is only my second boyfriend. I married my first.
Lost on what to do. It is hard to love someone, live with them but not be able to be with them. Such a lonely place
he was the one he was there for me all the time during the pragnancy i never appriciate what h
e was doing he was the one who do all the things to makes me happy now that i chase him away im regret i wish i could have done things differently now i miss him and his gone
We all have regrets, Precious. Forgive yourself. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time.
I just had something happen that was like this, an old guy friend from jr. high contacted me, we began dating. (We are both in our 50's). I thought he was "the one", spent new years together, my birthday he took me to vegas, During this trip his "ex girlfriend" began trying to break into his voice mail. I should have questioned this when it began. But he told me they'd not been together for a year, and that there is "not much of a chance that will happen".
After the trip to Vegas he kept in touch for about 3 months, calling and texting me, but canceled 4 dates. I went to his home (he lives far away, 1 1/2 hour drive away, to get my coat back from his house. We talked, he mentioned running into his x. I got a bad feeling, but he convinced me that it was only his business that was keeping all of his attention. He's self employed. I had that awful feeling I was losing him, but he seemed sincere.
So slowly he went out of touch with me, eventually not even answering my texts or phone calls. I didn't badger him. I gave him space. Graduated from college, got a new job. I did all of this without him in my life. He's abandoned me. Yest I still texted him the pics of my 2 degrees. Then the day after I was hired into a good company, I texted him the news. He texted me back congratulations and sent pics of his dog. I was hopeful again.
completely out of the blue next day, shockingly he texts me this too-friendly text, but says that he and his x (name withheld) are (trying to work things out" and that he "hopes I understand. along with more congratulations and saying he hopes we can talk again, and telling me to take care. It was so shocking and hurtful, cannot even tell it here in these words. I was very upset, texted back that no I didn't understand, blah blah blah, no response from him, more ignoring.
I went to my new job that Monday with red puffy eyes from crying. But I am glad that he didn't do this WHILE I was searching for a new job, I was down in the dumps. At least I got this sad truth AFTER I was back in my feet again.
IT still hurts, his sister cannot stand this x person. Says she is abusive and drinks, gets mean. He himself told me that this girl carries narcotics in baggies and has a high profile job in a medical setting. She almost killed him once by giving him a narcotic that knocked him out so bad that the next day he could not talk or even go to work. So why would he want to go back to her?
The hardest and saddest part is that he is someone who I spent time with as a child, 14, 15, 16 and teen years, we were friends. WE still have friends in common including his sister. I'm almost devastated.
People tell me that maybe he is stringing me along, in case this other girl doesn't work out. I send him a mean message, (cannot write it here), telling him "I'm beside myself, how could he do this. blah blah blah.
This article is incredible. Thank you.
Thank you, Taylor. So glad this resonated with you!
I really need someone to talk to or I feel like I'm gonna go crazy, I never feel this way for nobody in my life. We truly believe we are perfectly imperfect for each other but why we can be together!? Am I just too blind to see?
I can relate very well to this because I am going through it now. I met this guy and we instantly click, like if we knew each other for years and years. I knew things was getting wrong when everything I did was wrong, we start it fighting almost everyday. After months in that situation I find out he was moving to another state to be with his bm, we kept in touch and he move back, at this point trust was broken in the process of being build. One day, again he move back to be with his bm. A year after and we both still a heart broken. It's like we both know but we're so in love that we can be apart :'( at this point is so toxic for both both we still manage to be in contact everyday. He's with her but tells me he's in love with me which makes matters worst. I let of of what I thought it was love and we are both so hurt at this point that he said he don't know what to do but that he won't move back and I won't asked him to do that because I believe that if things were meant to be different they would had by now or that it's too soon but then when it is time for me to let go, he said he need to let go but how can you move on without letting go first?
Excuse my bad grammar!
I have only been on 4 dates with the girl I believe to be the girl I would love to marry. We have been talking to each other for 4 months now. We talk about 4-5 times a week and when we do it's for several hours. She's smart, cute, kind with good morals. She's 32 years old, independent women. We live about an hour away from each other so its hard especially with our schedules being so busy, to meet up. She won't commit to me and it's very confusing. I've told her that I like her, but she says for her "it's not so much black and white" She's won't show her vulnerable side to me either. Is she just not into me? Please help
Maybe she's confused. Whatever it is, if she's not giving you the commitment you want, you can always write her off. You cannot make her the only one in the world or more important to you than yourself. Tell her what you want. If she can't give you that, then off you go to find someone who can give it to you. Big hug
Hello!
This is by far the best article that I have found online about the subject. I have to thank you from all my heart and the apreciation from everyone affected is obvious.
I want to share a part of my story. Writing it makes me look at myself as stupid but doesn't hurt less.
I met a guy from another country online. We lived in 2 different Europe countries. Me Romania, he Austria. We started talking and it developed into daily comunication. About everything. Plus we were always very attracted to each other, After 2 months of talking, I had a vacation in Austria+Germany. I told him that I will visit him in that vacation for one day. He seemed excited but only one day before he invented an excuse. I told him that everything is planned, he cannot do such things with me and that I will come anyway. And I did, and we've met. And everything was amazing. We did not go to his place, we stayed in a hotel, "because he lives in a shared apartment". I stayed 3 days in his city but the following days he had excuses not to see me again.
When I returned to Romania he continued writing me big words, words that got me in love and excited about him. So after 4 months meeting him, I quit my job in Romania, packed my things and moved to Austria with all my savings. Officialy for a german course of 2 months, planning to go back to Romania if I don't get a job there. When I told him that I am coming to Austria he was excited with the idea but told me to do it for myself and not for him.
After I moved everything was a roller coaster.
Long story short, I am now in Austria for 7 months and the whole time he only had time to see me 1, 2 maximum 3 times per week (he does not have a job, he is 28 and the state of Austria takes good care of him). Also, he never allowed me to meet his friends, I reached the point of being scared even to ask cause he always had excuses and closed himself. He would come and sleep in my apartment, cook together, go to dinners together, watch movies, have fun. But I did not even know what part of the city he lives in. ONLY once I invented an excuse that I lost the key to my apartment and I don't have where to sleep. He got angry and he took me at his place. He treated me miserable and made it clear the entire evening with his behavior that I was not welcome.
My problem all along this experience was that I had abolutely no one in Austria and 0 social life. I was never integrated, he never tried to make me feel welcome. But my whole universe was him. My new job and him. I was trying to be able to breath 5 days a week and I would only breath normally the 2 days I saw him. And he always treated me nice and we always had fun and I loved him from all my heart. He never said he loved me, only "we will see how it goes", "i want to know you better" etc. He never talked about his past, but he did about his family and friends. I even began to love them and care about them, without knowing them.
Currently he ended everything. He said he cannot offer me what I needed and what I deserved and we should not see eachother anymore. And he left. I had a severe panick attack and a nervous breakdown. I had NO CONTROL. I tried calling texting humiliated myself etc. Without any answer. He only wrote me after one day that he is sick and he cannot leave the house. I am now completly abandoned. Rejected and abandoned.
I am now phisically sick and could say depressed.
I cannot be happy about anything or greatful for my great job or for this beautiful city. I cannot sleep at night.
The only thing that I trully HOPE, is that time heals me. And that I will not get crazy.
Thank you again for your articles.
All the best
Dear Maria,
I can understand how devastated you must feel. I'm so sad that happened. You are not stupid. You are just a beautiful, amazing girl who fell for the wrong person. I have also fallen for like 12 wrong people throughout my life and I almost moved to Germany for another wrong guy. I ended up moving to Germany anyway and even though I did not see that guy, I managed to fall for yet another wrong guy and it was heart breaking. We don't deserve this. We have to learn to take care of our own beautiful selves. Based on what you have written, my guess is this guy is just so not right for you. He's got serious issues. Clearly he hasn't given you what you are looking for. I know it is hard, but the best you could do is take care of yourself and cut all contact with him. It will be all right. Much love to you. Try to grieve the loss and then, when you feel better, go out and join other courses so you can meet other people, maybe make some acquaintances to hang out and enjoy yourself. I am also alone in Germany and besides this guy and his friends I have no one else to turn to. But I've had it with this situation of waiting on someone who clearly doesn't care about me at all. It hurt, took some time, but I feel a little better everyday. Big hug.
Thank you so much for your words. It's difficult to see now how beautiful and amazing I am since in one year I could not become important for him. For him it was probably always only sexual.
At least he could have explain SOMETHING as he left me behind. Not leave me SO DAMN LOST in this world that is so foreign to me. I was never far from home before.
Anyway, I hope that just like you, I will feel better everyday.
Thank you again for everything.
It doesn't matter what his reasons were. Even if he explained, you would still hurt and no, just because he didn't see your beauty and worth, doesn't mean you don't have them. Our worth doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see it. He is really not that special, wonderful Maria. You are as important and valuable as every other person in this world. Always know that. He's just another mortal, lost soul. You cannot make him more important than your own self. Feel sad, grieve, it is ok. Cry as much as you need to, but please know you will be fine because just having the tenacity and courage to leave your home to make it in another country is beyond reason enough you are strong and you have what it takes to build an amazing life for yourself. There's a man out there who will see how fantastic you are. Don't keep him waiting because you're hung up on someone who wasn't even that great to begin with. You'll get out of this one. Big hug
To Maria; I was in a very similar, yet different situation last year and I recognise myself in every word you say and I´m so sorry for it. First of all I want to tell you that you will heal, it will take time but you will be good, everything will be fine again. Never forget that and never lose hope about that tomorrow will be better, it will I promise you. I believe you did the same mistake as me, and that was not seeing that he was never for you. He wash´t on the same page as you from the beginning, you are your self saying he told you to come for your self, he was not driving it forward and you know it. And that´s the whole solution, when you realise that it was never meant from the beginning you will quickly become better, because then you will understand that you are not losing the love of your life, he was just projections of what you want to find in life. Understand that and make him small and with time he will completely disappear from your mind. It took me over a year but now I honestly can say that I think about him only for about 30 seconds every second day and only for reflection and nothing else, that from have been totally obsessed. Start date again, I know you don´t feel for it but do it anyways, and there will come men that will make you feel that great chemistry again and then you will realise you can have it with so many. It will help in the process too! I send you my deepest hopes and many hugs!
Thank you.
It's nice to see that I am not alone, believe me.
I am trying to have day-by-day normal activities but at the moment nothing makes me happy. Going out, at the movies, at the pool, nothing.
I did feel we were compatible, not only as a couple, but also as people. I believed in our friendship. I think that hurts the most, that he never saw me important enough at least to take me out with his group of people. To present me Vienna and to show me places. I would do that for a foreigner that comes in my country after 1 week of knowing him if we get along, even if there is NOTHING between us. And in 7 months he did nothing.
I am also so tired and emberessed of complaining so much, I make myself sick sometimes.
Thank you for the kind words again and hope that in a few weeks or months from now I will stand where you are standing.
Big hug
You are really not alone Maria! And of course you were compatible in many ways, you were friends and connected in many ways. Another key here is to understand that you can connect with MANY MANY people and that he is NOT the only one you can have that feeling for. There are a lot of personal work ahead of you and try to see that as a challenge, that will help you in your darkest moments. You are at the bottom now and it´s a challenge and an adventure to get up again, and this time you´ll stay floating. It is important to understand that the depression you are suffering from is not uncommon, unfortunately we are many that have been there. I thought I would die in my worse moments. I understand it must be horrible if you are facing this alone. You should consider seeing someone also, a good psychologist would help you get up on your feet and start to value yourself again. When ever you feel prepared, try to date ( internet , bars wherever you find it confortable )and don´t stop with one or two, keep on until you feel that spark again. I´m not saying that to make you be with someone again, the spark man, just for you to feel it again, which will help you realise it is all in you and that you can connect with several. Actually, my depression was long lasting and I was slowly getting better when I decided to try dating, and I was just ready when I someone else. That didn't turn out but he fulfilled his purpose in my way to healing, he made love to me and made me feel like a women again, and I realised so many wants to do that and how amazing I am. Hey then some practical help, how´s your friends in Vienna, do you still have problems to find friends? I happen to know several people there, if you are interested I can send you their email/facebook in a private message. I also recommend couch surfing, there are people that loves to show the city or have a drink with new people. More love to you
That would be absolutly great, it is hard for me to make friends and go out by myself to do so. Especially in this state.
I need people and activities and not being alone, this is the reality. And as much as I need it, I feel incapable and my self esteem is low enough to think that people don't like me, don't want me around and are not feeling interested in me or my friendship.
But maybe it will work out.
It's really hard for me to understand how you can be so friendly to me, it makes me tear up remembering how I was almost begging him not to leave me alone in the house over the weekend.
I recognise myself in your pain Maria and if I can help you to shorten your suffer it makes me feel good too, we need to help each other and take lesson from other peoples mistake. If the struggles I went through can sirve to help someone else I´m more than happy. I know the feeling of humiliation...when I think back about the things I did I feel so ashamed too ( I did much worse things then begging him for a weekend. ) ..I think I lost respect for me along the way by doing these things and of course you end up having a depression after loosing respect for yourself and everything that you ever believed. They should be too you know, you didn´t do this your self only, he maybe did not encourage you to do it, but he saw your suffering and he knew from an early start that you gave more than him. The only good way to react then is to take distance and talk clear, before these things happen. In some way I am sure you fed him with self confidence and just as your sank his grew in the same speed. So, yes! You need to get out, have friends, talk to people, get hugs, have interesting conversations with people etc and live! Whats your hobby? You like horses, rugby or cooking? Find a course in any of your interest. Start making your own bread, sounds silly but it helped me...Talk to strangers in the bar, on the street. Buy your self flowers, buy a new book and read it. If you want any of my contacts in Vienna, send me a comment on my blog I started with your email and I´ll send it over. My blog is a results of the pain I felt this last year and how I now try to see everything positive, it´s truly therapeutic! positiveattitude.se is the direction. Remember I´m about 8 months before you in the process, you will be here too I promise. In january I woke up so many mornings crying, I did my breakfast and had to stop because I was crying, I didn´t feel any joy by being with my friends, parents or my work. I started to see a psychologist but actually stopped after a few sessions, maybe she was not right for me, but I knew I was capable of riding out the situation by myself and I put some pride in that, I knew somewhere deep inside who I was and how insignificant this man really was in my whole life, but at that point he felt like the most important thing. We do desire love that we forget that we have it all around, from our parents, friends, God, in us and everywhere and at that moment I actually thought I was loosing the love of my life. Now I can see that he was never for me and I can not even consider seeing him as a friends since a friends never would have treated my in that way. Now I can see things in a positive way and see challenges instead of pain. You´ll get there and I hope it will be sooner than later.
My dear Maria,
My heart aches and weeps with you. It seems at the beginning, you wanted something to be true and real so badly with so much intensity that you became blinded by what the reality of the situation truly was. Yes, we make decisions that are not the best for us, but we are never ever stupid. You, my love, are never ever stupid. You just wanted true love more than he did. I know you sacrificed everything to ensure that real love occurred, however he gave you clues during your association with him that were huge red flags. I know it's hard to hear that, however the first step in healing is being completely open and honest with ourselves so that we can learn from this and never choose to allow it to happen again. Alot of times, we hear what the person is saying but choose to believe otherwise (have I got stories for you!) Maya Angelou said it best when she stated "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Please, please forgive yourself and forgive him and get in a position to receive the greatest blessing you've ever laid eyes on! Understand that though our experiences may differ, the feelings we felt during and after the heartbreak was essentially the same...betrayal, anger, hatred, love, sadness, depression, unworthy, . ..All rolled up in one big ball of emotions. We are a network/community of people that have been there- done that and/or being there and doing that and in this thing called life we need each other to keep waking up every morning until we have learned to love ourselves enough to not settle for anything less that what we deserve. Sending much love, happiness and prayers your way...
You really have no idea how much these kind of words help me. And I do believe that the good energy and good thoughts from such unbelievable people like you will pull me out of it easier. It is amazing to see strangers caring more about me then a person who means the world to me. It makes me crazy and also phisically sick. I would have done ABSOLUTELY anything for him.
Yes, I did not see the red flags, or better said I saw them but chose with my heart to ignore them, cause he was so amazing for me and I though he would change his way for me or for us, he will come to accept our happiness. He did not. The more I opened, the more he closed. Phisical and mental rejection. Gradually he started to reject everything about me. And stupidly enough, I held on to it.
Your words, everyones words are incredible for me and my spirit now. All my best thoughts back to you!
It is a story, wow. I am amazed that people fool eachother, how not kind! Really is a shame somehow.
You know it reminds me of the article Jane wrote, don't fall for his potential.. Something like that.
When I read your story Maria, it seems that you are more open then him.
On the other side I know people from Austria are not so quick to open, they are
Reserved. And the other thing looks like he is a take it day by day guy.
While you sound like a women who wants to build a future. You even took your money and
Pasport , to meet love. Now thats brave! What an adventure.
Your lovelife did not get what you expected! But so what, you will not regret it!
I personally think that you will not see it now, but you are lucky. He walked away. You could have
Got so much worse. It is a blessing, you will see it later in life.
Because he can not offer you what you need.
Don't be depressed , waist of your time and heart.
Thats what I tell myself when I feel down.
Sometimes we think we need "him" or "that" to feel alive or to feel love.
It start what you choose. Being depressed or sad is no way a sign of love
Towards yourself. Love is being kind to yourself and tolerant.
If you feel stuck or think you have a illness which is depression, get some help.
No shame in that.
Bless you!
Choose love & see it as a challenge
I understood and accepted all along his way and himself. I understood very well his commitment isues. But from here to completly ignoring my needs for social interraction it's a long way. Social interaction is a basic human need. I did not make him responsible for it, but HE WAS SUPPOSED to be my friend and care enough about that since I moved here all alone and he knew he is the only single person I know.
I don't know his reasons and as someone told me here before, his reasons do not even matter, it would hurt at least the same. Neverthless I always felt humiliated when I would ask to go out with him and his friends and he would get his face red and find ANY excuse or say "I'm sorry I can't do that".
I don't care about austrians being reserved, this is no excuse, I have met others and yes they don't come too close to you but they don't treat you like a toy they put in their pocket after they are finished with it. And are emberessed to show their friends this toy.
He might have been ashamed with me, maybe the fact that I was romanian, I really don't know and doesn't really matter anymore.
As you say it is good I got out of it now and good that he decided to let me go. He could have easily kept me hanging because I was accepting it. I know I can and I will forgive him and I currently only hope from the depth of my heart that he will realize in 20 years from now what he did.
So this is my new challange. Standing up again on my own.
Thank you also for your words and all the best to you.
I mentioned that I feel that the good feelings, words and energies from all around the world that are focusing on me now are having a good impact on my soul and hopes. I need to surround me with exactly that.
Yes he did not treated you with respect. He walked away and left you.
It would not help you to know the reasons why. As a human he has his reasons and issuses.
You can say, you did not really know him. You knew a part of him.
It is verry simple as Jane always says... You were not on the same page!
He will go on another path, and so will you.
Don't try to go and find his path and follow him. Let him walk.
You are in a strange country and female.
So this is where a new story starts..
I have learned this with many tears and pain my ex gave me.
Wherever you go you will carry your heart and attitude.
Take care of you first!
So your story will begin with:
A young beautifull women, with lots of love in her heart...
She was living in Austria and then...
( you don't and I don't want to end our story bad. When we are 80 years
And look at our life. We don wanna say "gosh what a waist of time on that silly man" ... )
Bless you.
Ps
All the advice is welcome and good i know. Offcourse emotions go up and down, so does our
Hormones. Be kind to yourself!
I'm so glad you're seeing you're not alone, Maria. My heart so goes out to you to see what you're doing to yourself, how you're allowing someone who isn't worthy of you to affect you like this. Don't let anyone have this affect on you. You're worth so, so much more than what you're putting yourself through because of what he wasn't capable of, because of what he wasn't able to give you. It's not you! I know it's hard not to, but don't take any of his behaviors personally; when you meet someone who is on the same page as you, who wants the same thing as you, you will look back on this experience and be so glad that it didn't work out because we are never meant to live our lives like this! Seek out professional help if you need to to help you through this; we are never meant to go through these moments alone!
Was dating this guy for almost 5months , we seem compatible, but have had arguments about commitment, he says don't wait for him, I feel like that is bull crap, he make me smile, laugh and love. When I told him I loves him he really didn't say it back. He travels a lot and says that's his reason for not commiting. I dont understand , I'm so hurt ,but I broke things off with him. He wants to take things so slow, like a year. He does nice things for me but doesn't take me on dates, that saddens me. He doesn't fight for me either when I try to walk away. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, I envisioned us as a couple, having a future, everything fantasy like. But in reality I'm not content, I'm not happy but in love or so I thought , I feel like TT here is a brick sitting on my chest and I can't breathe. He loves me no, he loves me not. It doesn't take someone 5 months to know if they want a relationship with you or would Like to work towards something. Reality is we have turned into friends with benefits , which is something that will never make me happy. I am a lover, I like to love, I like affection, love, and attention. I like going out on dates. Everything that he wants on his terms he gets, but everything that I want is pushed to the side. I tried to be patient but it was still bothering me and I didn't want to remain on the fence unhappy, always wondering , what about Noe. I should have to ask someone how They feel about me, love doesny ask it just shows. Reality vs perception. Perception will leave you disappointed and angry, but reality will keep you aware of the situation for exactly what it I'd. He I'd not my man and 5 months in still doesn't want to be. The end. Move on. Let him go.
I just wanted to thank you for such a beautifully written article. I was so inspired by everyone's responses and it truly made me feel not alone and totally justified in walking away from my situation. I recently walked away from a man who refused to commit to me..I've always just been the friends with benefits..I've witnessed him jump from one relationship to another, all the while never choosing to be with me. I suppose the most confusing thing for me was his lack of communication, almost exclusively through text message..But he seemed to get angry whenever I would date another man or not respond to his communication. I am over 30 years old, as is he..Since he broke up with his last girlfriend around April, he had told me he was single..Well lo and behold he was tagged in a Facebook post that put him on a date with another woman..A brand new girl..I have just grown tired of him continuing to put other women in front of me..It's taken a while to convince myself that he just doesn't value me and I have finally chosen to walk away. It really does a number on your self-esteem. But I have decided I would rather be alone with my dignity, than alone and repeatedly used. Thank you ladies for your inspiration..Here's to reclaiming our dignity and self respect! Cheers
So glad this resonated with you, Nicole, and gave you that inspiration we all need to see that we're not alone, that someone's been there and understands. We can convince ourselves we can settle for being just friends with benefits, but in the end, the truth of the toll that takes on our self-esteem always comes out in the end. Beautifully said. Thank you.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who blames herself. I'm there right now. I met this guy when I was 16. I had the biggest crush on him but never told him. We worked together and went to different high schools. I quit the job about a year later and started dating someone from my own school. I tried to get him out of my mind. When I was 19 I broke up with my boyfriend and moved into my own apartment. I called my crush one night because I was thinking about him. He came over and we hung out talking and laughing. We shared our first kiss that night. After he left I never called him again and he never called me. I thought he wasn't interested so I moved on. I married and started a family almost 3 years later. I was married for about 6 years when my crush looked me up on Facebook. We talked a few times over the years. Very innocent. He was married with children too. Year 9 of my marriage, we separated and divorced a little after the 10 year mark. About 3 months before my divorce was final my crush contacted me again and asked to hang out. He told me he had been separated for a little over a year. His divorce wasn't near being final due to custody battles. We started dating and things were amazing. He told me of how he searched for me on Facebook for weeks and was happy to find me. He's the one that always started those chats over the years. After about 7 months of dating he started to pull away. I tried to give him space because he was going through some personal issues and grieving the loss of someone close to him. Then one day he just stopped talking to me altogether. Our last conversation was me asking if he wanted to stop dating for a while. He said no and then stopped talking to me. After 2 weeks I of feeling ignored, I wrote him a heartfelt letter explaining what he meant to me and how I've had feelings for him since we were teenagers. He lives with his parents right now and his mother read the letter and didn't give it to him. She judged him thinking he had been having an affair before he separated. He sent me a text that basically said "I don't know what it said but thanks a lot" I tried to tell him it wasn't bad. Asked him if this was the end of us I needed some kind of closure. He promised me we would get together to talk about it and said he wasn't mad at me. When I asked if we were done he said he didn't know. It's been almost a week since the promise and he won't answer my messages. I've been blaming myself even though I know I did nothing wrong. I was trying to make him feel good about himself. I don't think he will ever talk to me again even though be promised. It's so hard to move on. It's hard not to keep sending messages. I know I need to give up and move on but I really care about him. And the fact that he contacted me all times throughout the years made me think he was the one who liked me first. I told him I loved him but he hadn't said it to me yet. I thought I may have scared him off. How do you really just move on without continually hoping he'll call?
Yes.. I have finally come to accept it .. after 15 mos of it... when I recognize it at two months in. Smh... but moving on. . Its been less then two weeks. But I am at peace and ready to move on. I know I deserve better.. etc.
And you do, Delia!
Thank you so much for this article! Whenever I lose myself, this is the first article that gets a view. 'This isn't you' is so true. We have potential to be so much more than just lovers, we have potential to be anything we want. Thank you for shedding light on just living and not worrying if they come around. So many professionals in the field of coaching state that, but rarely do they lend such specific insight into the actual THOUGHTS that pop up when such feelings arise.
Avid reader all the way! Thank you again!
Thank you for your beautiful words, Ladypie; I'm so glad my words - and my thoughts behind them - are resonating on such a level with you. It's because these were my thoughts that I remember so well, they're the reason I understand. I'm so glad this article brings you back to yourself; and reminds you of what you already know. It's just so easy to forget along the way; I know!
I'm also in a very similar situation. My (ex) boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years. I'm 30 and he is 28. I would say that we are perfect for each other and I have loved him so much. One problem is he won't commit. All I want is to move in together and there is always a reason why we cant. The biggest hurdle is our weight. We are both over weight and all though we don't want to be we never seem to take the steps to change it. He believes that if we move in together we will never change and I say moving in together will help us do it together. Two weeks ago we were having an argument and he said that he can't see us happy in 5 or 10 years. I said that was because of our current living situation. We both still live at home and are stuck in this routine that is dull and boring. We have no personal space and cannot wait for my grandmother to find something to do just so we can have some alone time. Anyway, at the end of the argument (all via text) he just stopped talking to me. After 24 hours of silence from him (I tried to get him to talk to me) I sent him a long message saying that I loved him but I was setting him free. I am completely devastated and just want him to realize I'm worth it and come back.
You can't make anyone realize that, Amanda. I know that's what we all want to believe in, that someone will see the light and come back to us, but it's the stuff of fairytales and not real life where people make choices and decisions based on who they are and what works for them. Your role is never to convince anyone of your worth, of why they should want to be with you. If he's not there, if he doesn't see it, don't take it personally. As much as I know it hurts, acceptance of the reality of what is instead of the fantasy that you so want it to be, is always where you will find your peace. You can't make someone be on the same page as you if they don't want to be. It's no reflection of all that you are and all that you have to offer someone regardless of what someone else does or doesn't do.
Hi ladies. I am 32 and in my situation the guy was my college sweetheart and somehow I believed he loved me and talked about marriage and I moved from one city to stay with him after a few years of not being together because we broke up after college and he cried a lot and pursued me wherever I went even moved to another country hut still chased after me . I was uncomfortable living with him from the word go but he said it was temporary but now looking back I think he really didn't think I deserved the honor, he was hoping I would get pregnant and then would be just stuck and he wouldn't have to marry me. Cause I was having fertility problems I never got pregnant and became so desperate to be pregnant because I thought then I would keep him, I really felt like I wasn't good enough. I started feeling resentful and had underlying anger and he would do a lot to show affection but everything almost meant nothing to me because the one thing I wanted he couldn't give me, friends and family kept telling me to leave, I was so unhappy, cooking for him everyday and became so lonely, his life though seemed perfect, I was so worried as our lives were so intertwined and every time we fought he had no time to listen to my feelings, I became so emotional and this only gave him more ammunition to prove I wasn't good enough. He then would kick me out and do really mean things because I guess I had lost all confidence and her figured I would take anything he dished out. I finally decided to leave and leave everything to start with absolutely nothing, he then told me he was planning to marry me the following month, even then I still suck around until one Sunday morning I went to his house to find another woman in his bed, I was so hurt I trashed his stuff and he spent the next two weeks threatening me, but even after that he still came back and said it was all a mistake, deep down in my heart I resented him so much and could never see any good in anything he did. The last fight he said I was too emotional that I was stupid and that no one would ever marry me. I have now resorted to cutting all communication or ties so that he can never communicate with me. I am sad now and cry a lot but I realise I have to through this until one day I feel ok. It's not easy but honestly feel like this guy was a curse unto my existence because he didn't want to et me go but treated me like crap
You are absolutely amazing! Everything you posted on this site had me so pegged I could do nothing but laugh and look around to see if you'd somehow been following me and peering in on my situation. You are all about loving yourself, accepting yoursrlf, willing yourself to choose better for yourself. Wow! Reading your post, I would think "This girl is a beast" (meant in every positive way there could be) You say things that makes you want to deal with the root. My situation is somewhat unique, I dated a guy in high school who was initially my best friend. We broke up, he got married, I had a child now he has a child by someone other than his exwife. Our families are very connected. Through every tragedy over the last 20 years we've been there for each other, crying with one another, wiping each others tears and praying with one another. Recently, still as "friends" we started doing things as couples did without the title. He and the mother of his child are staying together though he says they're not "together." I made the mistake of not listening to him when he said he didn't want a relationship right now as he was focused on his little girl and instead went based on his actions that said I'm in love with you even though he stated he lived me but was not in love with me. I beat myself up by questioning what was wrong with me and compared myself to the others he chose over him. So many of our friends and family believe we will end up together, but I finally decided to stop listening to them and take care of my heart. I realized that even though he says he wants to take things slow and not be in a relationship right now, I don't have to wait around or do things to make him want me. I love him but I have to love me way more! Does it hurt? Absolutely! He's like a best friend to me that knows more about me than many others. I'm trying to learn to let go of the hope, the expectations the drowning myself in self-loathing because I know I deserve better than to have anybody treat me other than what's best for me...including myself. So, I've decided to move on and if we are to become a couple at a later time in life...cool -if I'll be available 😉 And if not, that's cool too! You my dear are God-Sent! Many blessings to you and your family!
Thank you, Nikki. So glad this resonated with you and you could feel just how not alone you really are! You've come to see what we all eventually see when we're open to seeing the reality of what is instead of the fantasy that we so want to believe it can be. That you have to do what's right for you because you're not going to change him, you can't make anyone be there on the same page as you unless they choose to be. Oh I know it hurts, but as you're seeing, you have to do what's right for you and waiting and wishing and hoping and trying when you're on the only one doing this is no way for any of us to live. You so inspire me! 🙂
Thanks for your post it always helps to read about similar journeys and experiences.it puts things in perspective.
I need advice. I''m 23 years old I graduated college a year ago and have two children 5&6. Throughout college I dated men and did not want a serious relationship. Since graduating and working and enjoying motherhood without the stress of school I've realized I am ready for a relationship. I met this guy in June of 2013 we dated for 4 months and I really liked him. I finally asked him if he wanted to take things further and he told me he wasn't over his ex and was not ready for a relationship. I was glad he was honest but I told him I couldn't see him anymore and he understood. After that I deleted his number and didn't look back even though he and I had so much in common and work in the same field. Recently however this July 2014 he callers me out of no where...9 months later asking me to meet him. I decided to give it a shot and we had a wonderful date and I felt that the chemistry is still there. At the end of our date I asked him what his intentions are with me and he said "I'm transitioning and can't do the relationship thing!!!! He is applying for PhD school and will be moving fall 2015. I don't understand why he continues it want too see me even though he knows where I stand. I'm confused? I told him we can just be friends but I really don't think that's possible my feelings for him are too strong... Should I walk away now or play it out ? I've tried not responding to him but I can't help it since I haven't made a decision on what to do..help please thanks 🙂
I been seeing this guy a little over a month. He is two months out of a 3 year relationship and they have a 4 month old daughter. I do not feel she is any threat. He doesn't trash talk her or name call her she just apparently could not communicate with him and everything reached it's head. He will come on very strong he told me he loved me after 2 weeks we began sleeping together around three weeks. He tells me he is very busy and needs more time before he can give me a label though he reassures me I will get one. He has offered to do things for me several times though besides letting him pick me up in the middle of the night I have not accepted any other offers such as paying phone bill fixing car. The biggest problem is that when things get to emotional between us usually after he has made an extreme emotional step forward he panicks and will be short with me not responding to messages or calls as frequently as before and not trying to see me for 2-3 days. being kind of an emotional wreck myself I have been able to overlook a lot of this cause I have similar issues but he wont tell me when something outside of our relationship is bothering him example: he is having car problems his grandmother died work is stressful and doesn't want to see me when he is upset over such issues. When were together he can be the warmest most amazing man I have ever been with. he accepts all my flaws makes me feel comfortable in my own skin I am really falling for this man but the signals are just getting to confusing any advice or just hearing someone elses take on the situation would be very nice I am also willing to give more info if needed. Also the sexual part of our relationship was completely at my want he tried to tell me he wanted to wait but I rushed him.
Another situation. I'm 27, he's 30. We met last year in school. We live 40 minutes apart. We're in a relationship without a title. But we've only been together for a few months. He says he can't commit to me because he's not established and he doesn't want the problems. The problems being he thinks he can't do anything by himself, go out for a ride/see his friends. I've met his best friends but I'm rarely invited out with them. I'm meeting some of his family this month for the first time. We're making progress together. I've voiced my concerns and he says he doesn't want to lose me and I'm the best thing to happen to him in a long time. I'm everything he thought he'd never find in one person. But he doesn't want to be 30 and unestablished with just a girlfriend, he thinks that's sad. The thing is I've been single for years after a horrible break up. Waiting for someone special to come along who was worth it. I'm afraid that it'll be a year from now and I'll still be single and spending some really lonely nights all alone. Do I continue to be patient? What if I'm waiting around for nothing?
Hi Jane. Thank you for your wise words. I wonder whether you could give some for my specific situation. I met this guy at a party, was drawn to him instantly, and vice versa. Then we bumped into each other a year later in a bar, and he took my aside and kissed me. I was the first girl he'd even kissed for years, and five years ago he came out of a very troubled long term relationship where he was heart broken and completely stamped on. We started texting (he's too nervous to call) and there were days when I wouldn't get a message so I knew something wasn't quite right, I know when a mature guy is pursuing something. Anyway eventually we got together and saw each other two or three times a week, but it was hard to pin him down sometimes, I met his friends and family, but when I showed feelings for him he backed off, explaining he freaks out sometimes, is happy on his own and wants to take things slow because we have all the time in the world. This kept happening and I got fed up and ended it impulsively as of course I knew what I wanted and it got too much. I regretted it a few days later, and asked to talk and apologised for how I ended it, but he said he doesn't want to keep hurting me, how much he cares for me and loves being with me, it's the timing and hopes he will change soon, and that he wants to be ready for a committed relationship. It's not about other women I know this. I told him I understood and wished him luck. We have had some contact in between but I try to stay away. He has done things like asking how my nights out have been (we have friends in common) and liking photos of me etc on social media. I am focusing on myself now as I have been a bit stressed with other issues in my life, but I really have this feeling things aren't over and that he does care for me. I want to prepare myself for both eventualities. What's your opinion on what's happened?
"... but when I showed feelings for him he backed off, explaining he freaks out sometimes, is happy on his own and wants to take things slow because we have all the time in the world." And this is how you know where someone's at, Helen, by listening to what they tell you and by observing the way they behave. Believe him when he says "he doesn't want to keep hurting me, how much he cares for me and loves being with me, it's the timing and hopes he will change soon, and that he wants to be ready for a committed relationship." That's what's happened. He can't do this, he can't live with himself and pretend to be where you are knowing he's not and without knowing if and when he might get there. At least he's honest to tell you this instead of leading you on. You're exactly right that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Keep focusing on you and living your own life, Helen, and doing those things that reveal the love you hold for yourself. If he gets there, you'll be the first to know. But find your own life in the living of it, not in the waiting for someone else to change.
My story is very sad and still haunts me and seems to never go away. I made the mistake of dating the husband of a dear friend who died a month earlier. We seemed to be drawn together and for 7 months had an up and down relationship dealing with death, widowhood, and all my past demons of not trusting men as well as feeling like I had to help my friends family. However, I fell in love with him and he with I. He broke it off and broke my heart because he felt it was too hard to get along. Anyway I gained all my confidence back, moved on, went back to school and was happy when he came back pursuing me hard one year later. I went back because I was lonely and I loved him and hoped he had changed. I left behind my responsibilities to my friend, that was over. He is a very self centered person who complains non stop of how sad he is and lonely, I always feel I need to help but also I want to be happy with him. We have tried and he is different. He loves me but feels he needs to move now to find happiness, UNLESS i make him happy. His kids are now in college and he is putting one in a dorm for high school so he can be free to move on with his life. What do I do? He keeps telling me I should tell him to leave and to not be involved with him until he knows what he is doing and is stable, but I can never do that. I now did that and feel bad. SHould I hang in there an show him I will take the risk and prove to him I love him? I think its a test to see what I will do. If I say no I can't get deeply connected to you unless I at least know your staying in town, then I feelI have not proven my love and he will leave. It's not just him though, I have many problems trusting men and have been on my own for years raising my kids on my own. Is he super selfish? Do I deserve a man who will risk all and stay in town to pursue a relationship or is that selfish of me??
How tragic, Jen, for everyone involved. Don't take any of this personally. This isn't about you at all; this is about someone who's no there and doesn't know what he needs to get himself there. He's been through so much, and so have you. Believe what he's telling you and decide whether you're ok with a friendship with him - because that's clearly the most he's capable of without giving you mixed signals - or else move on with your own life. You absolutely deserve a man who will risk all and stay in town to pursue a relationship - that is not in any way selfish of you! - but it doesn't sound like this is the man to measure your worth by. Focus on you - on being selfish about your own needs for a change - and creating a life for yourself that gives you proof everyday of just how much you deserve and how much you're worth. You deserve nothing less!
I dated a guy for 4 months, he broke up with me, then he initiated friends with benefits. I went along with it thinking he'd come around. It was FWB for about 1 year...we had amazing nights together, he was sweet as always, but I never got what I needed. Finally, 1 month ago I decided to take a job halfway across the country and moved. I didn't tell him it was because our relationship wasn't going anywhere, but I did say there was nothing for me there and there were not choices. He was supportive of my moving. Now I rarely hear from him (since booty calls are no longer available) and I am so hurt! Did I make the right move? I feel like maybe if I had given it more time, since the times we spent apart were fewer and fewer. However, he is divorced and I think he saw a future with me and it freaked him out. We were so good together, but I need a commitment. Just not sure moving was the right thing to do and now I'm freaking out, second-guessing myself. I wonder if I hurt him by leaving.
We always do what we do for a reason, Christina. Don't second guess yourself once you've made your decision. It's easy to miss something when it's no longer there, but if it's not what you're looking for, settling for less than that will never give you what you're looking for. Don't go there. You said you need a commitment and friends with benefits isn't a commitment. If someone's truly right for you - and compatible in the ways that matter - you'll know because you'll be on the same page, you'll want the same thing with each other, and you'll both be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
I want to start by thanking you jane on this,it has really helped a whole lot of us,I would really love to share my own story,am so very confused,I have being dating my boyfriend for over 2years now,I love him,and I feel he loves me,but we all know men could be a little complicated, his entire family knows me,except for his uncle who has being a father figure to him since his father left him when he was still a kid,he has soo much regard for his uncle which I respect,he says he wants to marry me, and has spoken to his uncle about it,but his uncle has totally refused,his asked me to give him more time to see if he can sort things out with him because he can never go against hia uncle, I love him so much,but on the other side am not getting any younger,I feel if he really wants to be with me like he says,he would have to stand up to his uncle buy his scared of losing his uncles trust,I dont care because I fought my family because of him,and they accepted him letting them know his what I want,but I just feel he cant do same,I dont know what I should do,do I actually give him time,take a break from him or just call the relationship off?
I'm so glad this is helping you, Oge. Do what you can live with, what gives you the greatest sense of peace and the least amount of regrets. If his uncle's approval matters this much to him, you're not going to change this, it has to come from him. You can only do what you need to do for you.
Hi, I ave been with my partner for over 4 years and we had decided to go away and work together for 6 months, enough time to come back home so I can finish my studies. He has recently told me that if he gets a job and I don't he will go without me. I would be willing to wait although we had a back up plan and he has made him mind up to ignore it. The job isn't certain. Now I don't think I could wait, it has gotten to the stage were I am going to have too give up my education to be with him. I know how crazy it all sounds but I have learning issues and really doubt that I will be able to complete my studies successfully. I just need perspective. He is amazingly good to me but I have been wanting more for a while. He is not even ready to talk about the future unless I put my studies aside and follow him for a bit.
If you're wanting more and he's not able to give you what you're looking for, you have to decide what being with him is worth to you, as well as what settling for less than you want is worth. Living with someone who can't give you what you want yet always wanting more is a difficult way to live, Melanie. It's all about being on the same page. A healthy, happy, loving relationship is always about two people who are on the same page, who want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You can try to convince yourself of anything but if you don't have that, you have to ask yourself what you really have. You can't do this alone, it always takes the both of you.
Hi I also have a similar problem tho this is from a guy for a girl.
I being friends with this girl for 8 months now and about 3 months in I said that I liked her more than a friend and she said that she wasn't ready for a commitment but to wait for a bit so I've been wait for a while some about 5 months and I've been trying to show her that I love her a lot by been there for her and all that but I seem to be not getting any were like I don't mind waiting for her she is so special to me but she doesn't give anything back like I give special gift for her birthday but when my birthday comes around she doesn't even want to see me. I just hope that I'm not been to impation or anything like I can wait but am I epecting to much or what 🙁 . Please help
Only if she's not on the same page as you, Daniel. If you're with someone who you're truly compatible with in the ways that matter, you can never be too much of something or not enough of something else to them. Believe what she says when she tells you she's not ready for a commitment. The question is, how long are you willing to wait for someone who doesn't respond to your efforts to prove your love for her? You can wait forever for someone and they may still not be ready - because it's not about you, it's about her and where she's at.
I met a guy in university,we were just friends for about 3 month but from the first he was treating me like he really loves me.after that he asked me to go out with him to talk about us but its about 2 weeks that he didnt call me or text me..
He asked me a question too,and wanted me to think about it and then answer to him,he asked"what would you do for your boyfriend or someone you love?"
I don't know what to do and what to think about him ,I love him so much.Its really hard for me not to see him or not talk to him,I can't stop thinking about him.
I'm 23 yrs old,and he's 25.
It sounds like this is all about him, Dina, so don't take his actions - or non-action - personally. His question is about him - what would you do for him? - not about you. It takes time to get to know someone, and love is something very different from infatuation or a certain "spark". As much as you can feel in love and that someone loves you, unless you're both on the same page and want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do what it takes to make that happen, it's probably not the same thing to both of you. Someone who's interested in you will never leave you wondering where things stand, and they'll make sure you know how they feel about you. Focus on you and living your own life, Dina, so that what someone else does or doesn't do won't matter so much to you. You only want to be with someone who wants to be with you - and shows you this through his actions as much as his words.
Hi! I don't know if I can say I'm in the process of letting go because really I don't know how to start...and if I should ever start. My marriage is unstable. He working in a far place and I always miss him. He actually gets himself another woman while away from me and my son but he said they are not together anymore. We are giving our marriage another chance but somehow I could feel that his words aren't consistent with his actions. I'm waiting and hurting. Should I move on? This is marriage we are talking about. How can I know if I need to let go and move on? He still says the I love you thing anyway. Should that be enough for me to hang on and wait for him though I'm hurting? Please help me.
Watch and see what his actions show you, Millie. Only time will tell. They say so much more than words. Will he consider marriage counseling? If not, find some support for you, through counseling for yourself, through support from someone you trust - your doctor, minister, therapist - someone who knows you and your situation and can help you to make the best decision for you and your son and your family on the whole. Marriage is a whole other thing - especially when children are involved. The answers are never as cut and dry as we'd like them to be. Do what you can live with. Choose what gives you the greatest sense of peace and calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. You matter, Millie.
I stumbled across this page somehow this morning and I am so thankful. This is exactly what is going on in my life right now. I find myself alone, at the beach because even though we made plans to come here today he found something better to do. We have been together for almost 2 years and we've lived together for one. We had a minor hiccup last December but trumped through it. Just yesterday he expressed to me that he sees no future with me. I have been in shock and so confused because we are or were so happy. We were making plans for the future and making a life together. I've been asking myself for the last 24 hours what I've done wrong because in my mind everything was perfect. Seeing this has opened my eyes and given me a lot to think about. I am having a hard time picturing my life with out him but he apparently can. Such a crappy place to be in.
I appreciate your kind and motivating words in this post so much! Have a blessed day!
I'm so glad this resonated with what you're going through, Kaela. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's never about what you've done "wrong" as much as whether the two of you are on the same page. Take your time here; it's a process. And thank you for your kind words. Wishing you a beautiful, blessed day as well!
I am so happy that I came across this post. It really has opened my eyes. I am a 24 yr old dating a 26 yr old and I blame myself for everything that has happened in my relationship that im in now for three yrs. I guess what I am trying to say is that I love him and I should have payed attention to all the red flags at the beginning. We had an amazing time together and he used to call me talk to me for hours along those lines something changed.. rememeber he chased me. It was the vest feeling in the world he would tell me I was goregouss, just beautiful and I started to grow strong feelings over him quicky.. I but like I said it all changed and I did become very jealous and insecure, he is a really handsome guy that has this way with his words that just wants you to listen and I see the look in females faces so intrigued by him which was fine at first when I knew that this man was indeed mines, he was with me not them. But he started opening doors he shouldnt have opened with me and told me how he used to be a ladies man and so I began doubting all the girls that were around him because I didnt know who were the exes and who were not. Even more the fact that he had open comminication with his exes. So it should have been an eye opener but it wasnt. I questioned him and we would argue I would say things like if they were just ur friends how come u dont introduce them to me give me my place you know. And he said I was just jealous and he hated that about me and why did I want to be friends with his friends and I said I never said friends just know who they are to u is it too much to ask u should be open with me and it shouldnt bother u. So I started being really dneaky and looking threw his phone hoping to find nothing but i was only leading myself to heartbreak he would flirt With mutiple girls, it really hurt me but after ge was done flirting something in Him didnt sit right im guessing because he would cut them off, it never went beyond the texts. But I started noticing he was getting very jealous with me he followed me a total of three times and told me he thought it was me and thought I was cheating and I told him I would never do that to him, started wanting to go through my phone and I had nothing to hide. To me I thought he loves me, hes scared to lose me but I was wrong. Again he is a very good looking guy that loved once before and That was to the mom of his child. He had his life put together once before and i was all shattered because she cheated on him after they had a baby and he did his cheating before they settled down. He wanted to meet her family and told me that he asked her to move in with him. Then they had a baby, he really loved her. And that is what hurts i guess because seeing how they were together for 5 yrs and us for almost 3 now, i dont see that. Its like he has no more love to give, he says he doesnt love her and will never get with her so I need to stop being insecure about that. But i do so much for him thinking that it will make him love me like u said and i just feel like its pushing him away from me. I dont know who I am anymore im not the girl he once knew, my insecurity has me at an all time low and there was a point that I wanted to be everyehere he was because I didnt want him cheating on me. But if its going to happen I know its inevitable, I just wasnt ready for that type of heart break. He used to tell me that he wanted a gf that he could go places with and have a drink with and I dont get invited to those places with him its always guys night and I come to find out that it turns into guys and girls night I just wasnt invited. I told him before that I would love to do that with him, go out and have fun, not just lay up with him on weekdays and watch movies and go to dinner. Dont get ne wrong I love that but there is also so much more to life and I feel as if we arent living. Not so long ago we talked because I told him that something heavy was on my heart and I asked him what was going on with us that I felt like he was this great outgoing person but with me that person just shut off, like he has so much to talk about and say but when its us there is few conversations, no calls on the phone becasue he says hes more of a texter. And I asked him what has happened it never used to be like this. That I was sorry for being jealous but how could I not when he became more open to talk about other girls in general than to even give me a youre beautiful anymore. He said that he hates when females think that a realationship should be like it is in the beginning and I told him because it should or even better. I am so confused of where I stand with him because when he is in a great mood, he is this wonderful person and we talk forever but when he isnt he shuts me out really bad. So we talked and I asked him if he really was happy and he said that he sees how his mood changes around me thst he can't be that uplifted person (fyi I do shut down with him as well feel like he alwaysuses what I say against me) that he doesnt know why. I started crying and he said that I already knew that he doesnt love me and just doesnt know where we are headed. He doesnt know if we are going anywhere or if he sees a future with me. It hurt my heart and told him y would he lead me on then. Why woulnt he just pull the plug on us instead of inviting me over his place damn near everyday. He said that doesnt mean anything, im like to me it did mean alot because i thought u wanted me here andnit backfired u got sick of me. So i told him that i would learn to be by myself and for him to keep on with his life partying becaase im not invited anyways and that id rather be hurting alone than with him. I dont mind that he goes out its just that he never takes me out, its very little or when he does he doesnt sit with me or stand by me and chat, have a good time, he walks all around the bar catching up with friends he seen the previous weekend when he went out. We do not have memories like that, and we cant make memories because we never do things and b spontaneous all the fun thingd hed rather do with friends and never involves me I would love to be there and experience it myself.so I tried to break it off and the next day he tells me lets keep trying! And I do just that. Keep trying. so my question is how do I cope with this feeling? Will he ever love me? Should I give him his space and keep my foot down when he tells me he doesnt know where our relatinship is going but doesnt wanna break up?
It sounds like this works for him, Marie. We teach people how to treat us by how we allow ourselves to be treated, and it sounds like this is working for him, and that's why he's so content to keep things just the way they are. I responded to you in more detail in your other comment under the post Why Won't He Commit?. Only you know what you can live with and what you can't. Only you know what being with him is worth to you. It's always your decision; we all have to come to this for ourselves.
Its been 2 years for me now and even though I'm trying my best to let go for the 100th time it still feels wrong.
How do you handle a guy who cannot commit because the only girlfriend he ever had, who he loved, passed away?
Every time i try to move on and date other people, i hurt him...
and every single time he doesn't hear from me for weeks he will text, call or "bump" into me.
Even rang me on holiday once telling me he loved me down the phone.
I miss him like mad, but I never tell him, never text him first EVER and i have never ever begged.
It just feels so wrong even trying to see anyone else because they're not him.
I know that distancing myself from him and letting go is the only thing that I can do but it terrifies me the thought of him moving on with someone else...
the whole situation has my mind going awol.
Someone who truly wants to be with you won't move on with someone else, Amy. It's how you'll know! It's not going to come from him, it has to come from you if you really want to let go. Only you can do this, but you have to want to. Focus on you, on your life, and make a life for yourself so full so that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter so much to you. What matters if you're both on the same page, looking for the same thing with each other and willing to both do whatever it takes to make that happen. Without that, what do you really have?
My boyfriend was the first one to say I love you, has always been sweet and generous towards me, and a few months ago we started talking about moving in together. He has never sounded unsure about wanting this, but when I've brought up marriage, he makes a face and gives vague responses. Someday. Eventually. On paper, it looks like he's committed to me, but I don't always see that in his actions. We almost always do what he wants, which is usually go to the bar with his friends, even if he knows I'm tired he still wants to stay out til the bar closes. He never drives to me, I always drive the 40 minutes to him. The one time we got in a fight it was because a friend of his was disrespectful to me when they were all drinking and he didn't say anything to defend me. He apologized and we moved past it, but it still hurts me, because I feel like if that situation came up again, he would respond the same way. I know he's a non confrontational person but it makes me worry that if things get difficult because of me, he won't be there for me. He tells me he loves me everytime we talk, but I don't know if he really does. I know I deal with depression, and it affects how I percieve things, so I can't trust myself to know if he doesn't love me or if I'm projecting my own feelings of worthlessness onto him. I'm crying every day, I don't know what to do.
Focus on your own life, Carolynn. Let some space occur between you while you focus on you and fill your own cup so full of the people and things that bring you joy and happiness so that what he does or doesn't do don't determine so much of your worth or happiness. Stop initiating so much with him and give him some space to come to you. See what he does with that space. That's how you see for yourself where he's at and what he's looking for. You're not going to change him, you role is never to convince anyone of your worth. It's to see how compatible the two of you are in the ways that matter to know if he's the one for you!
I have a friend that I met like 3-4 years ago from one if my closest friends. I just followed her on Twitter like last week n we've been talking for one night. The next day she says "stop talking to me n my boyfriend doesn't want me to talk to u".
I don't get what's going on at that time and day til now. Please tell me what's going on and what should I do, that would really help.
It sounds like she has a boyfriend and he's not wanting her to have anything to do with you, Ryan. Unfortunately, if that's what she decides to do, there's not much you can do. You can try talking to her and finding out more, but clearly she's looking for some space right now from you. Whether you just want to be friends with her or something more, if she's ready to resume your relationship, I'm sure she'll let you know. Don't take it personally though; whether or not someone wants to talk to you or be with you is always about them and where they're at and not about you!
Hi Jane, thanks for such a great article. Long story short, my boyfriend and I met two years ago and we live in together after a year. We loved each other so much and getting along well with family and friends.. 6 months ago, he moved to other country after he finished his postgrads and he wanted a break up because he said there is no way he can't do LDR. I was heart broken yet love him enough to let him go. After 10 weeks, he came back and telling me how much he missed me and wanted me back in his life. I gave it another shot. Flew into his place which is 10,000 km away, we reconnected so well and spent a lovely week together. Then in May, he visited me in my hometown, spending a week with my family and friends and we decided to keep thing cruise along and see what happened at the end of 2014. Tentatively, we planned to move to the same city together by next year. Then last week, I flew in to see him during my conference trip to Europe and he said he can't get use to the life of having me as an extra person. He is so settled and contented about his life and my presence was somehow a pressure for him. He said he can't commit to me (marriages etc) in near future and can't even picture me as his future wife yet. He said our life is somehow not on par and this LDR is a bit of a drag for him. He see no reason for us to pursue this LDR since we can't live in the same city anytime soon. He insisted that he loves me dearly but he can't offer me what I want (to settle down). He wanted me to be strong and break the relationship, saying that that's the best for both of us. I was devastated. I flew home and now try to fall out of love. I don't know what can I do to make me feel better.
Ur each and every words are true...but I love him..I dnt want to leave with any other man in my life...I never feel this love for any other person...because I never forget him...I just wanted to leave with him.
It's never as easy as it on paper, Sona, but I'm so glad you're seeing what's true. One of the hardest things to give up is your own dreams and plans and hopes with someone who's not on the same page as you. You don't have to give them up; just save them for someone who's truly worthy of you.
Jane, thank you for this article. I am in the middle of a situation that I never imagined for myself, a woman who prides herself on her independence. I am 28, and two years ago while working in Europe I met an amazing guy through a common friend. We had only a few weeks together as my contract was ending, but we fell head over heels for each other. After I returned home (I am from Bangladesh, he is Spanish), we kept in touch through mails, skype, etc....we never 'decided' to do long-distance, it just happened because we could not spend a day without talking.
He has never had a steady job and has no much money to travel (he's also 28), so 3 months after coming home I quit my new job (they would not give me leave), put together my savings and went though the difficult process of a European visa which is not easy for someone of my nationality. We spent two lovely months together in Spain which cemented our relationship. I met his lovely family and became close friends with his mother and sister. I returned, we stayed in touch and he visited me for Christmas 2013, largely paid for by me. My family loved him too. We realised that long distance was getting too painful and the airport goodbyes were insane--we just had to be together. So we made plans to marry this August 2014, which would give us the legal right to live in each others' countries. The plan was that I would move to Spain for a year, we would see how jobs worked out, and if it was too difficult financially we would move to Bangladesh as I have a great career here (I am a microbiologist).
I started the crazy and expensive legal process of getting marriage papers together for an international marriage, told all my friends, even booked a church etc. Then in April he told me he is not ready for marriage, it is too soon (ok that could be true) and that we should postpone it. I was distraught but I agreed for his sake. He would not commit to a new wedding date either. Now, after two months of driving me and my family crazy, he is refusing to commit at all, saying I should again spend some months with him in Spain this summer before he can be sure that it's 'meant to be'. This is emotionally and financially impossible for me, and is culturally not very acceptable in my family to live together before marriage (Bangladeshis can be pretty traditional). I feel cheated---why should I make the effort to travel again, invest my feelings in him again, when he says that the distance is making things too hard and so he cannot be sure if we should be together. All I'm asking for is what we agreed on--to get married and end this distance.
He also refuses to hold down a steady job in Spain and now says he does not want to move to Bangladesh. Well I know that in this bad economy I will probably never find a job in Spain and so I'm not eager to move there. I am open to moving to a third country if he does like Bangladesh (he says he loved it and won't give a reason why he won't move), but now he's insisting on staying in his small town. That was never the premise of our relationship---we were always open to moving anywhere in the world as long as we are together. This situation is making me crazy because I truly love him and have also invested my emotions, time, money and changed my career path for this relationship, also risking my reputation since my culture doesn't really approve of marriages with 'outsiders' or living together like we did. I don't know if I'm just being stupid and should break it off, or keep waiting for him to come around in hope. He's always kind and loving but he broke our marriage plans and now he just won't commit!!! I feel he does not respect me at all and it breaks my heart. I can't imagine saying goodbye because I love him so much 🙁
It's always when we least expect it, Leann, that we find ourselves in over our heads. I so hear where you're coming from. You want this to be the way it was supposed to be, you want it to have the ending it was supposed to. You've invested so much of yourself in this person that you can't imagine giving up now. Too many ramifications, let alone a broken heart. This has to come from you, it can't come from him. He's doing what he can live with, and he's showing you his terms now. He may have thought he was ready for the whole package, that he could do this, but he's found out he can't.
It's not about you, it's about him. If you've communicated where you're at and your willingness to find a common ground and he still can't give you what you want from him, then only you can decide what he's worth to you.
Resist the urge to blame or second-guess; you couldn't have known and he probably didn't even know himself. It sounds like you both got swept up in the beginning stages of a love affair that promises more than it can deliver when it's time to follow through. This is about the reality of what is, and not the fantasy of what you so want it to be - and you know it could be. It always takes two.
Take your own power back here, Leannn. Do what you need to do for you. Don't worry about what other people will think or say, regardless of the cultural influences, you ultimately only answer to you.
Focus on you and do what brings you the greatest sense of peace and calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. Getting angry with him or blaming him isn't going to have the results you want, it will only cause him to distance himself even more. And most of all, don't take any of his actions or inaction personally; this is about him and where he's at and not about you. If he's not on the same page as you, be glad you're at least finding this out now before you married him.
You can't make him respect you or love you the way you want him to, you can only show him that you deserve to be loved and treated with respect by loving and respecting yourself. You're in control here, as much as it feels like you're not. You have to find it in you!
I am right there with all you ladies. I have known this guy for a year and when I met him (through a mutual friend) his gf had just broken up with him a month before. He also has an ex wife to whom he has a 5 year old son with. I began a friendship with him by speaking on the phone numerous times a day. Then we began to fall for each other but meanwhile he was still not there mentally as he told me he wasnt and to make the long story short, he tried to "work it out with his ex over november 2013 and he relized he missed me, stopped talking to her, fell in love with me, and we have been dating ever since. A couple nights ago he randomly said he needs space and he wants to be single right now, not because he wants to date other people but he just wants to hangout with his friends and be alone. He said he has been feeling like this for a while but didnt want to say it. The BIGGEST reason he said is because he isnt giving "all of himself to me" and I deserve that from him he said. He said he doesnt know why he cant but he said did say he is in love with me still but he wants to be alone right now. He also said a huge part of him wants to be with me but another part wants to just be with his friends. Now this is not a rebound type of thing. We talked about that many times and in my opinion I think he feels rushed into things but then again I dont know. That night as he was getting out of my car, he told me he loves me and gave me a kiss. What does this mean? is there hope? also he is 28 and I am 22 we hangout all the time and get along so well.
I dated someone for 4 months last year long distance, and it ended with him not coming to see me over the holidays. What was absolutely heartbreaking was that prior to this, he had started saying love you at end of calls, writing, calling and emailing. I was interacting and responding.
Now, month later, I am left in shambles. I question if he was ever attracted to me, why he broke up with me, why he said what he said and seemed to be escalating.
Today, I have convinced myself I was too available, eventhough we were both participating and he seemed to be leading. Was I not supposed to take his calls? Was I not supposed to respond to his texts? Was I not supposed to ever email him?
I feel depressed and hopeless and it is months later and I do not know how to pull myself out. I spent all this time working on myself, and I showed up the best I have ever known how to, so if he breaks up with me, there must be something so wrong with me that I will never know what it is...
I can't stop crying....
Don't go there, Sadness. When we give our hearts and souls and bodies to someone who isn't there on the same page, who can't give us what we're looking for - no matter how little it is - the rejection that follows is never the epic failure of ourselves to be beautiful, worthy woman that we see it as being. There's always a reason that has nothing to do with us, but when it happens, it's a reality check that we could never see otherwise.
Wipe your beautiful tears, Sadness, it's time to see the real story. Don't make it about you; give it back to him. You did the best with what you knew at the time. We're not here to make anyone commit to us or want to be with us.
You can't pull yourself out because it's not him anymore who's hurting you, it's you. Forgive yourself. Come into the light of "what is", and resist the urge to go back in time to go over that fantasy of what might have been if only you hadn't been too available, or hadn't called, or responded or emailed to him. It's never about the details, it's about the bigger picture of compatibility in the ways that matter. If someone's truly right for you, you can never be too much of anything for them. It's how you know.
Hi Jane! Your blog is very inspirational! I love it.
Here is my story. My boyfriend moved away to go school in Sept 2013 and asked me if I want to go with him. However because its a big decision for me I end up didn't go. Now I have decided to take a leap of faith to go and live with him. Everytime, we talk about moving to the new city, he kept saying its up to you. But now, he is having his doubts about me moving over there since I decided. Its almost a year now, he says he likes his freedom and not sure if he could live with someone again. He is not sure if he wants to commit. He said He needed me in the beginning, and now he has new life, new social group, he doesn't care if I move there or not. He said if i moved there in the beginning, he saw me as the one and the person he could attack the world with but he isn't so sure now. When he said that, I was so hurt, I really regret that I didn't move. Because he still haven't decided if I should move in, if he says no, it means its the end of our relationship. I really don't know what to do, it driving me insane, i keep blaming myself. and I love him. Right now, I feel like i am really to attack the world with him more than I ever in Sept 2013. I don't understand why he is taking forever to decide if he wants me or not.
Thank you, Sandy; and welcome. Don't blame yourself for the change in him. This isn't about you, it's about him. There was a reason you didn't go then, and my guess is it's related to what you're seeing from him now. If you reread what you wrote here, what stood out for me is that he said he needed you in the beginning, but now, he has found his own new life and social scene. This was never about him and you and what would have been best for both of you; this was about him and what he needed from you. See it for what it is, a reality check that would have come either way, if you had moved then or not. And then how much more difficult this would have been with your life that much more wrapped up with his. There's always a reason we do or don't do something, and your situation is no exception. It's not about him deciding if he wants you or not, it's about whether you want him or not. You're the one doing the choosing here.
Let go of the need to put yourself through this blame you're taking on. You deserve to be with someone who's sure that he wants to be with you, not just someone who finds it convenient to have you there for him only when he's feeling insecure. You may love him, but love yourself enough to know that love in a vaccuum without being reciprocated won't feel like love for long. It takes two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other for a real love relationship to work. And that's the only kind you want, Sandy. Release yourself, there's a reason. Decide for yourself what you want and don't want. This isn't a rejection; it's you following your intuition. You only want to be with someone who wants to be with you!
Jane, your advice is rock solid and I see the same feedback over and over on this thread which is nice for consistent information. I just ended a 3 year relationship with someone who seems to have issues that make him unable to commit. As much as I want to blame him for having "commitment issues" (and his family examples are definitely consistent with that), I hesitate to take real solace in saying its all about him, when maybe I'm just not the right woman for him that he really wants to committ to. My biggest fear right now is that he is going to fall madly in love with someone more "secure", who is so relaxed and able to "just live in the moment and not worry about the future" that he is able to open up to her the way he was never able to open up to me. I will say as hard as it has been getting over him and feeling the loss of someone I adored no longer in my life, I don't miss the constant feeling of insecurity in our relationship. Everytime these insecurity issues would come up, he would always point the finger at me and say I had confidence issues I needed to work on. Maybe that's true to a degree, but my argument was always that he didn't go out of his way to make me feel very secure in our relationship other than to say "I love you, isn't that enough?" I also acknowledged the source of "my issues" and asked for his support as I work them out, but didn't get it. While he was faithful and I trusted that he wouldn't cheat on me, I always could sense a real heart commitment wasn't there, despite "loving me more than I would ever know" blah blah blah. When i finally reached my limit on feeling like I was on a road to nowhere, I left but I guess my question now as I enter new agreements with men is: in a healthy relationship, is it reasonable to expect the other person to share in creating a culture of security in the relationship or is security a feeling I have to create on my own based on my own feelings of self-confidence? This relationship definitely took a toll on my confidence, but was it the relationship or as my ex likes to say- my own personal issues to sort out?
Hi Healthy Healings. I have been dealing with the same struggles and have come to some understandings I wanted to share with you. First of all, there is always a part that we play in every relationship and a part that they play. The healthy relationship is going to be between two people who acknowledge their issues and that they are taking strides to deal with them and not putting them off on the other person. So kudos to you for being willing to do this! And shame on him for putting it all on you! Secondly, actions are what we need to pay attention to not the words. words of love are easy....but the actions show the truth. And as tempting as it is to spend so much energy trying to figure out who to blame....it is not a blame issue. Look at what you are saying when you say that you felt insecure in the relationship. I did this too and I beat myself up over it often and with gusto! Then I started reading this blog and realized that this feeling of being insecure was actually my intuition.....my inner voice....telling me that this was wrong....that even thought the words might sound right.....or that there were things that looked so good.....there was something terribly wrong and that I needed to pay attention to this and not question it. This does not make us broken or unlovable or even insecure. It makes us sound strong women who pay attention and don't force ourselves to bend into pretzel shapes just to keep a relationship! Lastly....it is definitely a two-person job to create a culture of security in a relationship. And NO....it is NOT enough to just get some love words. Love is action. It is commitment. It is your partner being willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work just as much as you do! It is him giving you the support and encouragement that you need in order to continue to grow and develop. Yes we should expect this! Yes you deserve it! And shame on that guy for making you feel so small and broken!
Wow. I cannot believe the amount of women who have experienced what I have experienced. I am a 42 year old professional, single parent (never been married). I met a man online 2.5 years ago. In the beginning, he came on strong. I wasn't sure how much I liked him but everyone kept telling me to give him a chance as he seemed like such a great guy. I had not dated in years as I was raising my child so this was the first relationship I was entering-with a child. Anyway, he is an airline pilot, mid forties-no kids-never married and lived 1.5 hours away. We were touchy in the beginning as again, I just wasn't sure but he was very persistant and then something shifted and I felt like he was one I shouldn't let go. About 4 months into it (once I was wholeheartedly in the relationship), something shifted. He became less attentive. I figured it was his job as he was traveling alot more than when he did in the beginning of our relationship and there were alot of changes with the airlines. This man, based on his stories, had some challenges with his parents in his childhood but I didn't think much of it (I came from a very stable, loving household). I always welcomed him into my family and introduced him to my friends. So, life went on and we'd see each other a few times a month. Keep in mind, I am a very independent woman as well and traveled for my job too. He always worked weekends traveling and I worked during the week, plus we were long distance so while there were challenges, we touched based everyday and made it work. Time continued on though and he never introduced me to his family and friends (he has only a few buddies who lived nearby him-lots of acquaintances though) and would basically go do his own thing (i.e. hunting trips, car races, etc...). It bothered me but I just figured he was doing the 'guy thing." He wasn't ever really attentive on holidays/birthdays either but again, I just chalked it up to his personality as I don't think those were special occasions for him growing up. Anyway, fast forward to January 2014 after a surprisingly great Christmas (we exchanged really nice gifts and had a talk about the future.-he was talking of transferring to an airport in my city which surprised me but I was delighted..which we had never done before) and he just abruptly stopped communicating. I found out that his ex of six years (who left him for another man) was getting divorced so I assumed he was with her. However, I kept making attempts to contact him, spilling my heart to him, which he would respond to on occasion. We ultimately reconnected and he told me it (the relationship) wasn't over and really acted like he did in the beginning. While skeptical, I took that and ran with it. We reconnected for about six weeks and had one of the best times we'd had in a long time and shortly thereafter, he just completely stopped talking to me and I haven't heard from him since. I noticed he had been online at one point but his profile is no longer up. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought how the demise of this relationship affect my everyday life. It has been 6 weeks since I've seen him and 4 weeks since I've heard from him and I still can't stop thinking about him. Also, my entire dept at work was recently outsourced so I lost a good job as well. Nothing like kicking someone when they are already down. Please know that throughout those 2.5 years after I realized how badly I wanted the relationship to work, I did everything in my power to try to make it work and to make him happy. I realized that I loved who I was when I was with him, but when I wasn't, as independent as I was, I was still bothered by him doing his own thing when he could have spent some of the limited free time he had, with me. I have been devastated by this (I've lost 28 lbs since January) and just don't know what I did. While I don't claim to be beautiful, I have been told I am very attractive , funny, outgoing, etc...and I believe that he and I made a very nice looking couple. It's hard to move on when you truly don't know what you did wrong, especially when you are nothing but good to that person. However, I have been reading all of these comments and book, ("Men Who Can't Love" and "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl") and realize how many issues this man has. The problem is, he made his issues-my issues, yet I'm the one stuck dealing with the heartache of his issues and he has clearly moved on. I do, however, also see now that I should have set some boundaries as I just don't think he respected me especially by just letting me go without telling me why or without really ever giving our relationship a true chance. He also not only left me, but my daughter as well (and I never forced my daughter on him but he was in her life for 2.5 years too). It's hard to move on but i know I have to so reading other women's stories truly does help me. Hopefully we can all find men who are good. Do they exist though??
They do exist, KH. But first, know that you didn't do anything "wrong". They move on, they keep their distance, they love long-distance relationships, and they do whatever else they do because it gives them the space they need to feel comfortable. Don't take on what isn't yours. These are his issues, not yours. They usually don't even know why they behave what they do because it stems from so much of what is subconscious. Below their awareness level. You can't make anyone love you who isn't there, but what you can do is exactly what you realized; you can set your own boundaries around what you can and can't live with.
I'm glad you're seeing just how not alone you are! It helps to remember this. And you'll find that man who's on the same page as you, who wants what you want - with you - and isn't afraid to make that happen. Unlike what our culture -and the media - tells us, it has nothing to do with looks. It has to do with you, knowing who you are, what you want, and tapping into your story about love.
We've been programmed to do things for the "spark", but it's about so much more than that! Focus on what matters, on what qualities you're looking for, and don't let this person take away your power like you've allowed him to do. This isn't a rejection of you! You deserve so much more than this, KH, and someone who's right for you is looking for you, too!
It's both, HealthyHealing. You create it within yourself so that you don't need to seek it in someone else to get it for yourself, and then when you're in a relationship with someone who you're truly compatible with, you'll both bring that security to the relationship together. The bigger point around this is that when it's right, when you're both on the same page and want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do what it takes to make that happen, it happens naturally. If you're questioning it, that's your intuition telling you there's something going on that you need to listen to. And know that regarding "My biggest fear right now is that he is going to fall madly in love with someone more "secure", who is so relaxed and able to "just live in the moment and not worry about the future" that he is able to open up to her the way he was never able to open up to me", if he does, it will simply confirm for you that he was not the one for you. We all have work to do on ourselves, but don't take the blame for the relationship not working out. It always takes two. Hope this helps!
Its nice to know Im not alone. I seperated from my husband 2 years ago and have 3 children. I met a wonderful guy almost a year ago and the chemistry was there instantly. He made it clear he was looking for a relationship but after a couple of months it felt like he was withdrawing. He would make comments about not trusting women ( his last relationship ended when she cheated on him with the father of her children) I think it devastated him. He is very strong willed and although makes it clear he likes me and compliments me, keeps going on about trust taking time. He gets suspicious about minor things like not answering my phone like but will often hold a lot in or act like he doesnt care. He will joke when I see him and say ' whos been giving it to you this week?' He also claims hes not the jealous type!. He will call or text almost daily and I see him once a week due to the fact that we are 30 miles apart and we both work. If he gets upset by something I say, he will turn passive aggressive and will totally blank my texts/calls until we make up which is usually by me apologizing quickly followed by fantastic sex! We connect so well on many levels, share a great sense of humour and appar to want the same things but my question is this: at 35 years old and seeing me for a year, will he ever trust me and commit? whenever I see him it tends to be last minute and I can never seem to get him to commit to plans, is this because hes not interested? Saying this, he has very recently started talking about us doing things together and says more things using 'we' rather than 'I'
When I have tried to disconnect with him, he will call and chase me after a few days saying that he misses me. Is he playing games? He also has said that he vowed not to introduce any woman to his family until he is sure. His mother and sister have basically condemed his choice in women and don't want to meet any! He hasnt met my children either. I am in love with him and I know he cares for me but do you think he is too damaged by the past for anything long term and committed? I am happy to wait if this trust thing is going to take time but obviously cant wait forever.
Hi wow !! We just have almost the same experience. That what happen to me .seeing my boyfriend almost year now .he introduced me to he son, we very understanding eatchother we have great sex and everything but seem he don't want to commit to are relationship .but I think u should give he time and wait to see how he act .I am same as you .we are women and we really need to get down to the answer but seem we not getting anything I am 31 with 2 kids I love him like you as well love your boyfriend .I don't want to waste my time if i don't see the future with him .but I think we should wait a bit more .give him more time to think and see what happens next ??? If not going well I think I will bail out for my but I hope every think work out for u .
Hi I think I have some story that is happens to me and I not understand much about it.I meet my boyfriend next month is will been 1 year .he older than me .well that is not a point I do love him but he never say he love me and ark him if he never gonna give me change ? He told me that he has been heart broken from he ex wife .he treats me so nice we living different state he live in up state NY I live in pa but I go see him every couple week and sometime I can't go see him he come see me .we text each other every day even he in the sergery room he text me and let me know he thinking about me .but every time I think about he say he can't give me love is hurt me .because I really love him be nice if he not keep treats me nice that I can leaving him easy 🙁 I don't know what to do ??? I confuse ??? And I arking him if I have nowhere to go can I stay with u ? And he say yes but after I getting divorce first because I am now still in court with my divorce .I been thinking how can I living with someone that he day he can't love me why he promise me all this ??? Do he will change to love me ?? Still be my question?help me I don't know what he thinking? And what should I do ???
Take it slow, Nitda. Take your time getting to know him and don't rush into overthinking all this. Someone's actions always tell you more than words alone. If the two of your are truly compatible, and by that I mean on the same page, looking for the same thing with each other and willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, you'll know soon enough - naturally - in the process of getting to know him and what he's really like. It takes time to know someone, and that time can't be rushed if you're looking for something real that will last. Don't listen to promises, watch instead to how he behaves and what his actions say about him. While there are no guarantees, there is no substitute for time when it comes to getting to know someone before you decide to give too much of yourself away to someone who isn't compatible with you in all the ways that matter.
Thank you so much Jane .u really help me alots .first I am really confused with everything ,but after I have your advice make me think that I should take my time and no rushing .yes sometime I am over thinking.but I will not rush or over thinking 🙂 thank agains Jane u are great.
So glad this helped give you some fresh perspective, Nitda. You're so not alone!
I hate. You but he still won't go I dont know Wot to do anymore, my son who is 13 doesn't like him he can't stand him and the things my partner said when my sons dad was dying was just so cruel and nasty. Help please amy advice
Wow where to start. Was with my husband 7 years before we Got married aged 21with 3 children then so in total I was with him 31 years he was my everything then he left went off with a 24 year old with 3 kids under the age of 5,he passes away 5 months ago I miss him terribly but anyway I met some one else absolutely adored him except after 18 months of him saying he loved me wanted to be with me it turned out to be all lies he was with someone else turned out he had been with her for 7 years. He managed to hide that really well broke my heart when I found out, then I met a really nice guy 6 years younger than me thought yay 3 time lucky turned out I was wrong, I really fell for this one but turns out he doesn't want a commitment we have been together coming up 2 years. I have asked him to leave saying. Its over etc but he won't. Go, he has damaged my car I had him charged. I have even said I kaye you
I'm going through this as we speak.. I've been dating this guy for 7 months now and I'm falling in love with him! But he doesn't want to be in a exclusive relationship with me and it is just killing me inside. My heart is breaking more and more every time I think about him because I know how good we could be together but yet it is out of my control. I don't know what to do and I want to tell him that I love him but I don't know if I should. I know I should end it believe me I do but my heart just doesn't want to. Its so bad that as I type this I am balling my eyes out and it freaking sucks. I don't know why this happened to me and why he doesn't want to be with me :'( What should I do?
I'm glad to find this blog as I am so down and don't really have anyone to talk to.
I was in a relationship for 2.5 years and the first 6 months, while we were very serious and wanted to get married, we went through an ordeal. I had an ex coworker who was a very close friend of mine and a friend of my other friends so I included him in our get-togethers and dinners and all. He liked me a lot and my boyfriend could tell. My bf became crazy and asked me to stop talking to my old co-worker and I kinda did, except the occasional texts and emails. My bf hacked into my emails and phone account and found out I was still in touch with him and he never got over that. I was stupid enough to stay with him after that as I blamed myself for what happened. Then I spent the next two years proving to him while the relationship went down.
He always used to tell me he loves me and there's no one else in this world for him and how we will have a family together but never took a step forward. Talk is cheap is what I said to him. I gave him a couple of deadlines which didn't work and once I ended it with him after a little over a year. I loved him so much that I got back w him again two months later and he always would throw that in my face (I should've never came back to you), and eventually started cursing and disrespecting me and even didn't get me a birthday gift after two years of dating. There were many things that happened in between and he would blame me for everything. He never took responsibility or admitted if he did anything wrong. I would argue with him too. I kept saying how I felt insecure with him and how he showed so much love but then he would take it away with the harsh things he said or by bringing up the past constantly. He kept complaining about me and saying how I don't cook or show love or.... which I changed. I started cooking and started showing a lot more affection and whatever else he said.....
He left our relationship so many times when we would fight and every time he would say you left. He said when a person leaves once, they will always leave and he said he didn't trust me because I would just leave him after marriage. But it was him who kept leaving and he would somehow put the blame on me every time. Yes, I sometimes said, I'm done and can't do this fighting about the past anymore but he was the one who would pack his bag and leave my place and come back a week later. Was I wrong? How do you deal with someone who keeps fighting you about the past?
If he couldn't get over the past (that situation), why didn't he just leave? So I felt like he was just using me. The one thing that has depressed me is that I feel like I am the one who ruined it to begin with by inviting my old coworker and making my x bf jealous. My friends and family told me not to take my co-worker into the relationship and I did. And once the trust was broken, everyone told me its over and not to go back, but I did.
Also once we broke up after the first year, when I went back, I didn't tell any of my friends and didn't hang out with anyone and cut everyone so I can decide on my own and never involved the family either which was a big issue for him since family matters to both of us. We didn't see eachother's family for the last year and a half. Unfortunately he was telling his friends and family and getting negative advice bec he would only say his side of the story (once after a fight, he messaged his friend and I was so upset that I looked at the message which is the only time I've ever done this, the girl had messaged him back ("time for a new one") So I know I made a lot of mistakes but I also realize all the lies he told me and all the blames he put on me and all the excuses he came up with not to come forward and now I am just so angry I don't know how to deal with myself. I'm not young and want children and I had talks with him saying if you are not into this relationship it's fine, I'm not angry, please just don't drag me. After fights and telling me he despised things about me and calling me names, he would tell me how he loved me and we would get back together. I told him you can go marry a much younger girl at anytime but I can't and after so long, I am left with all these memories at my place and he is memory free and blames me for everything.
How can I get over this? I blame myself for not being more calm and fighting with him over things. I'm mad at myself for not calling him out when he lied about wanting to get married and just dragged me in this relationship. He would come to my place everyday after work and we were in constant contact throughout the day so I feel like he was just using me for his convenience. I'm angry with myself for not knowing how to handle the situation better. For bringing that friend into our relationship once I realized it's causing problems and for staying and trying for so long. Please give me some advice how to get over this. I haven't stopped crying in over a month since it ended, even at work. He still calls me but I don't pick up anymore. I seem to pick men who blame me for everything and I just take it. I feel like it's because I am weak that I allow this. I see other girls who are very aggressive and not very nice and demanding and go off at the guy and he worships them but I get walked over. Don't get me wrong, I'v been capable of having a couple of great relationships in my life but they weren't men I wanted to marry for different reasons so maybe this is karma. Now, if I want someone, they don't want me.
OMG, this is so long. I'm sorry.
Been casually seeing him for a year. We never communicated very much from the beginning...maybe once a week. This past month or so he has really opened up. He is communicating every other day or so. We talk or text more now than ever. He has started to show he cares about my feelings and if I am upset or not...he has never been like this before.
Problem I am having now. I have my children through the week and he has his on the weekends. His are teenagers and very active in sports...kudos to him being involved. But...it has been 6 weekends now that we have seen each other. I was out of town for 2 of those. We are communicating more. But seeing each other a lot less.
I politely said to him a few days ago...that I would like to start dating more. He said we can work on that. Then he asked when I was available and I said Friday (this was Tuesday). Nothing.
So..I got a bit emotional and said I don't understand why we haven't seen each other for 6 weekends. If you like someone else...just please be honest...no reply.
Then I text him and said I sorry I care for you and like and want to see you...and that I am sorry I assumed this would be more.
He text me and said I am sorry I am really busy with my kids sports. I don't want you to be mad...and I don't want you thinking I mad at you at all.
We aren't exclusive...he may be dating others...that's fine..as do I. We NEVER discuss this though.
We have broken it off in the past due to never seeing each other. Him once..me twice and he chases me down..and begs. But here we go again.
The problem is we have the chemistry. But I don't know how this will ever progress if we see each other less and less.
Nor do I know how to handle it. We have talked about it in the past. We have broken it off in the past. But I am really unsure how to handle this.
I played hard to get with him in the past...it worked when he was contacting me. But I just don't know what to do. I never know when or if I will see him again.
On one hand I have noticed some positive changes...he seems to really want to be in contact more and has really been showing he cares about me...my life...and my feelings...but just don't know how to handle getting him to see me more.
Do I say let's be friends...do I break it off for good...I have no idea?!?!?
Thanks
People always do what works for them and what they're comfortable with, MissConnected, so what you have here is someone who is quite happy with things the way they are. If he wanted to see you more, he would make that happen. But since he doesn't, and since you have a history together with more of the same, what you have with him is clearly what you get.
You can't get him to see you more. You can try, but you don't want to convince someone why they should want to spend more time with you; you want someone who wants to spend that extra time with you of his own accord! As much as it feels like you don't know how to handle all this, you do if you're open to seeing it.
First of all, you accept the reality of what is. This is where he is and the number one reason he treats you this way is because he can. He obviously means something to you which is why you're ok with going along with his terms for the relationship, but the question to ask yourself if what about your terms? Can you really live like this, or are you just trying to convince yourself you can in the hopes that something is going to change for him?
Be honest with yourself about what you can live with and what you can't. That's really what matters here, more than what he's doing or what he isn't doing, it's you that's always doing the choosing. Do what you can live with. Do what brings you the most peace and calm and happiness and gives you the least amount of regrets. It's not going to come from him; it has to come from you.
I've been divorced for 10 years, when I finally agreed to go out on a date and reunited with the love of my life from 30 years ago. He was the man I should have married. We dated for 4 years in my early 20s and fell apart like so many young people. Throughout the yrs, we have shared a husband/wife as best friends. 10 years ago, we met up at a bday party and spent the night catching up. He was still married. We left the party and hugged on the street. I said "No smooch, right?" He agreed. Then, halfway down the block, he called my name, ran to me and planted a big kiss on my mouth. I laughed and said THANKS, THIS WILL HOLD ME FOR ANOTHER 10 YEARS! Can you imagine knowing that your first love still liked you after all of these years??? Recently he told me that after that night, he immediately sought out counseling, addressed his wife cheating on him (right from the beginning) and told the counselor he married the wrong girl.
So, 8 years after his divorce, we kissed in the moonlight at our old haunts around the lake. It was magical, recapturing our youth and the romance. Then 5 months into it, he called me out of the blue and said it "just didn't feel right" and he didn't want to be dating anyone, didn't want to hurt me. Said that this has been a pattern with him for several years. I was devastated. Stepped away from him. A few weeks later he called to say it was a huge mistake, he missed me terribly, loved me, etc. We started up again. It was good again. It was also very easy for him; I'm a giver and it was a lopsided relationship. I gave emotional/parenting/business advice ... he gave me day-to-day companionship, good sex and we both respected the space we needed to raise our respective children. His teen girls were not happy he was dating (divorced 8 yrs). The oldest girl, voicing her protest right from the start, even though our dating was only when they were with their mom. The eldest girl is difficult; she creates conflict at home with both parents. They consider her spoiled, willful ~ I see her as unhappy with herself, low self-esteem even though she presents as the life of the party. She creates wars, says terrible mean, disrespectful things to her parents and her sister. 3 weeks ago she packed up her things and moved to her dad's b/c of a battle with her mother. The battle seemed to have settled down, but she remains at her dad's house and refuses to spend anytime with her mom and sister, b/c they have house rules. ****We were good until this move.*****
Last night, two weeks after his daughter moved in, he called and broke it off again. Again - "this keeps happening to me ... in the middle of dating, I just don't want to be in a relationship any longer ... loves me ... I'll always have a place in his heart ... I'm his best friend ... doesn't want me hurt ... "knows" I'm the best thing that ever happened to him ... he claims he and all of his sibs are just "damaged" from his distant mother."
I told him that it was alright. That what's really difficult to accept and makes me angry is that he's been blaming his mom for yrs but walked away from counseling.
He wants to be able to call me, text me, ask me out for dinner this summer. I told him to take a breather and I'll contact him.
Soooooo, I've decided to look at this as a SUMMER OF LOVE. It was great, it was filled with so many joys. And now, I'm going to move forward with the support of my friends and be open to new adventures.
And so it happens when we finally come to the place where we look at ourselves in the mirror and say, I am worth more than what I'm putting myself through, I accept that I cannot change anyone else except myself, I refuse to buy into the fantasy of what I want it to be instead of seeing the reality of what actually is, and I choose me!
Thank you for sharing your story, Kammh, for walking us through your process. You've come to the realization that so many of us long to come to for ourselves. The acceptance of what is, instead of what we so want it to be. The acknowledgment that if you don't have two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, you don't really have anything at all.
To accept, to not make it all bad or him even worse, but to see this as a beautiful time in your life that couldn't be any longer without you settling for less than you know you deserve is a beautiful thing. You will be so much the better for it!
Hi Jane, you are simply amazing. So glad I found this topic.
My situation: I have been seeing this guy for 8 months now. I met him at my work and we talked occasionally. Finally, he asked me out and I accepted just for fun. I already knew he has some issues or problems but never really thought about it. After a month or two I fell for him and of course we had first fights and misunderstandings during which he told me that I should run away from him as far as possible and that he doesn't see any reason for me being with him except his selfish desire. When I asked what he meant he said he has issues, he is bad in relationships and doesn't want to hurt me. Even though he was saying all these things he wasn't willing to really let me go. So we kept seeing each other.
I want to say that he is a perfect gentleman, always treats me nice and cares about me (getting up in the middle of the night to check if I am cold, hot, if I need anything...).
During those months we were seeing each other we had few "break-ups" but always ended up together and he was mostly the one to initiate it.
My problem is we never talked about being in a relationship, we are just seeing each other, text and call daily but never talked about future. Actually, we have a problem to talk about "us'.
I recently mentioned what bothers me and he said that he likes me, enjoys being with me but he has issues and he is not sure where all this goes. I told him then we don't want the same thing obviously and that I don't want to do that anymore. But he insisted that we should keep seeing each other and see what happens.
I stopped seeing him after that (it's been a month) but he didn't stop calling me or texting me and trying to see me.
Additional info: He never told me what his issues are and doesn't feel comfortable talking about it. I know he had few long relationships and was cheated on once or twice. He told me he didn't kiss or invited anyone to his house before me for over three years and that it is a big deal for him. I guess he wanted to say I mean something to him???
My question is what do I do? Should I be more patient or he is just never going to change? I was pretty much loved in my every relationship and now my confidence level is not as great as it used to be but, on the other hand, I am truly in love for the first time.
Hello Jane,
I am 26 years old and just ended a 9 year relationship, which was very dysfunctional. I have built my world around him and have lost all my friends. I am a student and have no job. I had a decent paying job and our relationship problems got in the way, which led me to quit. He became very controlling. He would get upset if I would dye my hair, wear make up or wear certain clothing. I dress very conservative but if he did not like an item of clothing I was wearing he would cause a huge argument and make me feel guilty. I wore a new sweater with red hearts and he went as far as saying it looks like a "Freddy Keuger" sweater. I feel so unattractive.
The most awful thing about this relationship is that we never even lived together or traveled. I am 26 years old and feel so alone. I went to another town a few days ago for a dentist appointment and I felt so alone and sad. I know that I have to start from scratch and it breaks my heart that I have to do it all alone. His mom and brother do not like me. She is an alcoholic and verbally attacked me a few times when I was 18 and 19. I am never invited for holidays and EVERY holiday we see a movie at the theater. That is all. He smokes weed and I dont. He also lives with his brother and I am only allowed in the house when he is gone. I feel so little and unimportant but I know that this relationship ending is going to make me feel so lonely.
My goal is to move to California with my pets. I want to move out of this town because I know it will be a constant reminder of a relationship that made me feel unworthy. I wanted so bad to live together but 9 years and not even a ring or a vacation.
Any advice?
I also want to mention that he stopped saying "I love you" but I was supposed to say it otherwise he would throw a fit. The last time he said it was 6 months ago when I threatened to leave but before then it was like 2 years and now he never says it unless in a holiday card.
I sound like an idiot. Which I am but I thought he was the one and he was my first serious relationship. I just pray that I meet someone who will make me believe in happiness again.
hey Ladies,
Such as amazing topic..I felt so much supported by reading your stories.
I don't know if my situation is similar or not, am a 25 years old and after my heart been broken, I decided to really think twice before continuing with any guy or calling him Mr. Right. So, now, with out any warning, am talking to this guy who is really hard to stay with or leave. I mean our ages are close, he is really nice, he tries to tell me most of the time that he likes me and am special in his life and feels good by being with me ON PHONE!!!! yes we didn't met yet and when ever I turn this subject on either directly or indirect, he just get scared and change the subject!!! keep telling me that may be I will not like him or we will go out together eventually bla bla bla. any way, am the kind of person who always put plans at least for a year forward, but he is just living the moment. I convince him to stay friends which was ok with him at beginning, but then he starts to be upset when even I say the word FRIENDS.. On the other side, in different occasions, I hear him saying I will not get married ever lol. I thought he was joking at first but he repeated it.Besides, there is a (none small) religouse difference between our families, not to forget also that he thinks about sex maybe 23 hours aday and as he claims, am the first girl in his life (it seems true from the way he is treating me). I know I have to leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeave I am looking to a productive relationship that end up with a commitment for sure, I just don't wanna break his heart. I am thinking about a gradual leave by decreasing the level of (care) mmmm because I tried the sudden way and It was hard for him. I reallyyy don't know. Any help?
Only you know if you have enough in common to give this a try, Angelica. Healthy relationships are always about two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other. We can make it so much more complicated than this, but this is always what it comes down. What can you live with and what can't you? What are your deal breakers? Trust your gut instincts, listen to your own heart; you'll know what you need to do.
My situation is in my mind totally ridiculous. I am (or very much want to commit my live totally to Christ) yet, I found myself in a relationship with my best friend of 20+ years. We were both divorced at the time about 10 years ago and started dating. He knew going into this relationship that I wanted to get remarried and he claimed that he wanted that too. In fact, he used to tell people that we were going to get married. I was going through an extremely hard time financially with my two children who both really like him. We both were going through a very hard time financially when we decided about 4 years ago that we would move in together. The wedding was suppose to follow very shortly, but what really happened was that for most of the time we were both in survival mode and truly didn't have the money to even pay for the license or the ceremony. He was very often between jobs and felt that he wasn't worthy ( i guess) to get married, at least that was the excuse when he was between jobs....on the flip side of things when he finally found a steady job less than a year ago, he says he just can't take off. I really feel stuck in a rut, I love him deeply, he's a wonderful and I believe faithful man. He brings home his check and helps with the kids and helps in any way that he can. He's very attracted to me physically, but after nearly 10 years of being together (with no marriage) I have not wanted to be physical (I very much want to be passionate and am very attracted to him physically, but I am sick and tired of giving myself physically to someone who will not marry me)! My religous beliefs overpower my physical desires. I have expressed my thoughts and feelings very passionately about wanting to be honored in marriage and I KNOW that I am worthy, because I have been just as kind and attentive and loving to him as he has been to me. I really believe that we are wasting precious time, because neither one of us is truly loving the other the way we should. He has given me everything that I have wanted except the HONOR of marriage. Every time (I) not him, brings up the subject of marriage, he claims that we are going to sit down and pick a date, but nothing ever happens. Nothing is ever mentioned to our kids, our families or our friends. It bothers me and hurts me deeply, I feel resentment, anger and bitterness towards him for this at times. If I were just content with living together but being happy and committed-things would be fine between us (that seems just the way he wants it) but it consumes me and it has gotten to the point where I cannot think of anything else! I feel loved, but rejected! I want so badly to be true to myself and get out of this relationship, but how do I leave him now? We have a home together, our lives are intwined financially, I travel often for my job and litterly have no one else to watch my kids. We are both in our 50's and I am very afraid of starting over again. I don't think that I want to, but I just know that I cannot continue living like this, I believe my flare ups of anger and resentment are going to tear us apart.
You've got this figured out very clearly, Zena, when you say "If I were just content with living together but being happy and committed-things would be fine between us (that seems just the way he wants it)". He clearly is happy with the way things are, and you are not. You're not on the same page when it comes to actually setting a date for your marriage and getting married. That's why it hasn't happened and why he always has an answer as to why it hasn't. Of course it's always you who brings it up, it's you who wants this. And you have every right to want more, to want the full package of marriage with the certificate and the ceremony and the proof of being married. You don't have to be worthy of this by anything you've done; you're worthy simply because you're you!
But all this anger and resentment isn't going to change your situation, Zena. While he may have thought he could give you what you wanted with marriage, he' just not there for whatever reason. It's not you, it's him. And you're not going to change him, nor is that your role here. This is about accepting what is, accepting the reality of your situation and making your own decision what you want to do about it. What is he worth to you? What is having him there to watch the kids, to provide the financial support, to be that security that he is by being there like this in your life, in the home you share with him, what is all this worth to you? That's the question you need to weigh, to figure out what you can live with and what you can't based on what you're getting in return. You're the only one who knows the answers here, you're the only one who knows what it's all worth to you. You can't count on him changing, but you can't live like this with so much anger and resentment. He's being himself and he's shown you his terms, you have all the power to do whatever you want to do here. It doesn't matter how intertwined your lives are; if you need to make some changes, you can. But you first have to know what you're giving up and whether or not you can live with that, too. It doesn't have to be this way, when you accept what is instead of what you so want it to be, you can see things so much more clearly.
Trust yourself; you don't answer to anyone else except yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks you should do or says you shouldn't do. This is your life, and how you choose to live it is up to you. There's only love here for you, Zena, no matter what you feel you have to measure up to. Love yourself, forgive yourself, be so gentle with yourself here. You've done the best with what you've known, with where you've been. This isn't your fault. This is you, living your life the best way you've known how to. Do what gives you the most peace and happiness, what leaves you with the least amount of judgement, and the least amount of regrets. Sometimes our lives don't look like what we expected them to, but it's ok, God is a loving God, who loves you right where you are and meets you right where you are. It's time to show yourself the same grace He has for you. It's time to stop blaming yourself and expecting so much of yourself. You're human!
Hi Jane,
So this is how my story begins. I had just been kicked out of my house by a previous boyfriend and, was in emotional turmoil. A couple months after my departure, I started seeing a co-worker. We didn't start off serious and that was perfectly okay with me. It took me awhile to feel emotionally connected to my new guy because I was still hurting from the previous one. Several months go by and our relationship starts to "feel" more and more serious. Although, he made it clear in the beginning that he made "no promises" with regards of a commitment, I still felt hopeful. Finally I asked, "Where is this going?" His answer was always that, he couldn't commit because his relationships never last. I actually took this response as a challenge, like an idiot, and kept up this charade. I fell head over heels with this guy after he told me that he loved me. In my head, I thought that we could really be together. Soon the "change" came about. He started being so mean to me purposely. I agitated him and I had no idea why. Then the calls and texts became less frequent and almost non-existent. One text I received last week was that, he was watching the sun set. This week's text was that he hoped all was well with me and that he was thinking of me. He then sent another text saying, "Love you."
Jane, why does he say that he loves me, when his actions "now" clearly don't show that? My thoughts are, that he was trying to see where my head was at? Basically keeping me on the back burner, just in case his present conquests don't work. I am a realist, and I understand that "He's Not Into You" concept. I just wanted to get an outsiders perspective. I am having trouble letting go.
It's hard to let go of someone who triggers you with his back and forth behavior, MI. Know that you're not an idiot; but like so many of us, you want to believe in his potential and in the belief that love can conquer all. We forget we can't make anyone love us, nor is it our role to take this on. Think of this letting go process as more of a dance; two steps forward, one step back, and it's ok however long it takes you. There are no rules to this; sometimes the only way we come to see the reality of what's really there - and what wasn't - is by going back and forth and getting that glimpse that gives us that "aha" moment that makes it so much clearer. So don't be too hard on yourself; there's a reason why I wrote the post "a beautiful goodbye"!
It sounds like he doesn't really know what he wants or how he feels; he just knows that committing in any relationship feels uncomfortable to him, as he made a point of telling you when he told you that "he couldn't commit because his relationships never last." We just need to start believing them when they tell us this! Whether or not he was trying to see where your head was at or keeping you on the back burner doesn't really matter, as this is always so much more about where they're at than where we are.
Remember that no matter how wonderful you are, or how amazing or attractive you are, it doesn't matter when you're dealing with someone who is so out of touch with their own commitment issues. There is simply nothing you can do to do their work for them; MI, they have to want to deal with this themselves and you have a life of your own to live!
Many, many, many thanks for this article! This is exactly what ai was thinking, saying and writing so mamy Times. Us, women, we are not at fault! Do not blame us for things that are really the man's fault. We have a culture built mostly by men ans it is the culture of blaming women. Not only women blame themaelves, but they also blame each other and then men realise that it is all soo convenient for them to blame on us too all their faults. If a woman complains that in-laws treat her badly right away somebody says :"You are an idiot! Hiw come you agreed to live with in-laws". "If a woman complains about a boyfriend living her, the answer is all same:"You are an idiot! Didn't you know what a,total loser he was?" Well, how,was she supposed to know? And the list goes on and on. Women take all kind if blame for relating in any way to the males. And even if they do not relate to men in any way, they still get blamed for being too pround, not enough outgoing , too self-focused, isolated and what not. And it is just time for someone to say : "Hey, this is not woman's fault! Thid
Glad you enjoyed this one, Nina; we all have to realize how powerful we really are before we can expect to see any changes in our culture!
I am so glad I have found your blog, and especially this post. After 4.5 years of a relationship my boyfriend ended our relationship via text two weeks ago. He is refusing to see me face to face or take my phone calls.
It has been a fairly turbulent 4.5 years - we met six years ago when I was married to someone else, and our friendship was one of the causes of my marriage ending. We have had numerous periods where we have fought, or not spoken or seen each other for a week or two for one reason or another but it has never been this extreme. Our most recent issue was due to something I said in anger after I was feeling unloved and insecure. Normally a fight like this would only last a few days without contact so part of me wants to believe he is only ignoring me because he is being stubborn and is not ready to forgive my harsh words.
I feel like I need some kind of closure and it is SO hard to stop myself doing all the things you have listed in your section "we try to get him to see what we see". I am definitely blaming myself, and I really wish the day comes soon where I realise it is his issue.
We have such a need for closure, Missy, but if we realized that we can never get the closure we're looking for from anywhere outside of ourselves, this would all be so much easier on ourselves. Look closely at exactly what you're hoping to gain from this "closure". Is it about finding out why? Or is it about having another change to redeem yourself because you feel like this is your fault and you somehow have to fix it or make it better again? Or at least so you can feel better about yourself? Don't put yourself in a position of having someone refuse to see you or take your calls; you're worth so much more than that, my beautiful friend. And even more than that, take a step back and see that when you're with someone who you're truly compatible with, there isn't any drama or game playing or refusing to communicate or treating each other like this.
Go back to that moment you said something in anger "after I was feeling unloved and insecure". Stop beating yourself up about it. You said it because you felt it. You only regret it now because it had the ending it did. I ended my entire relationship with someone who wasn't right for me in the ways that mattered when you're talking about commitment, by doing exactly what you did - saying something in anger because I was feeling unloved and insecure. Don't beat yourself up for saying your truth! There was a reason you were feeling unloved and insecure. That's what you need to focus on, Missy, not all the if onlys, and what ifs, that mostly end with you adding more blame to yourself. This isn't about you, this isn't a rejection of you, my beautiful friend. This is about him and where he's at and whether or not the two of you are truly on the same page and looking for the same thing from each other, no matter how much you want to believe otherwise. Your beautiful heart and soul could no longer be silenced from saying the truth, Missy, and whatever happens because of that isn't yours to fix.
Think about what I'm saying here, Missy. Think back on those "fairly turbulent 4.5 years", and see if any of what I'm saying here resonates with you. Trust yourself, trust your gut instincts, and stop being so hard on yourself, my beautiful friend. You can't make anyone love you, you can't make anyone change or be something different or be on a different page if they don't want that for themselves. You can only choose you, and choose what you want to accept or refuse to allow in your own life. You, beautiful, confident, radiant, you!
Hello,
So I have a very interesting situation, which has made it very difficult for me to separate the situation from the man. I am 24 years old, was in a very committed relationship for 2 years when i realized that I wasnt in love and it wasnt working for me. I broke it off, and about a couple weeks later (which i know is definitely not enough time) I met someone else. However, I knew that I was moving from this city soon to start medical school across the country, I only had about 4 months with this person and so we decided from the beginning that i wasnt going to be serious and I literally told him he would be my rebound (mean, yes). Somewhere along the way, we both fell for each other, said I love you the week before I moved. And then it felt like my world was crashing down, I had worked so hard to get into medical school and was so excited, and now this guy who I had only known a few months started making me resent having to move across the country. We talked about long distance not very seriously a few times and realized it would be too hard for 4 years. However, we just couldnt let go. When I first moved, we tried to distance ourselves, but went back to talking all the time. So then the cycle began...Every month we would start off talking a little, then more, then more until we were skyping a few times a week. And then one of us would visit and we'd have a talk and I realized i could do long distance but he said he couldnt. This happened over and over, about 3x, until we actually agreed to "demo" long distance and then after 2 weeks he said he couldnt do it. I told him ok, I cant talk to you anymore. Id love to be friends in the future (because we share all the same best friends) but right now I cant move on if we speak, I need some time. Of course that didnt last, the longest we went would be about 2 weeks without talking (which still he or I would sneak in an email or some silly fb comment). We saw each other again, and then fell back into our cycle. Once again I broke it off because he had told me multiple times he cant do long distance, but wants to be/act like we are together when I am home for the holidays or visiting. And then told me he wants to visit.. blah blah blah. Long story short, here I am again, after SO many talks that we are on different pages, I saw him one last time and I told him I wanted to be just friends which apparently drove him crazy. He kept pulling me aside in social settings to have talks with me because it bothered him so much. I left town thinking ok, phew, thats it. Im done, finallllly. Yet, since then... he has literally skyped me, called me, texted me, emailed me every single day for the last month. At first I wouldnt respond to everything but I feel this immense guilt in ignoring him and of course I still have this lingering hope which is completely unjustified. So my questions are... 1.) Is it possible that he has actually realized something the last time I was there when I wanted to be just friends? 2.) Is this just his way of still getting what he wants because I am letting him talk to me everyday? I have yet to bring up anything because I am just so sick of the drama that comes with every time we talk about us. 3.) Should I believe him when he says if we were in the same city that I would be his girlfriend in a heartbeat, but he has just had awful experiences in long distance and cannot do it for 4 years when we havent even known each other that long? 4.)What should i DO?!!? I feel SO trapped. It is distracting me from the most important schooling of my life, i mean, I am doing fine in school but he consumes my mind and I can only study on good days. At this point we've been "dating" for 9 months. And I guess a side note to add is that after 1 month of dating he asked me to be exclusive but I said no because I had just gotten out of relationship and was moving. Thank you!
There are so many "what ifs" here, so many scenarios that "could be" or "might be" given different circumstances, Nelly, that all you really know for sure is what is. You are willing to try a long distance relationship; he has said he is not. He has all kinds of terms he wants to set on the "relationship" you have, you want all or nothing. You absolutely deserve that, Nelly, but if he's not there, if he's not on the same page as you are right now, then you don't have anything concrete to go by. He is obviously content to continue this patter for whatever reasons that are his own, but this doesn't sound like what you want for your life right now.
This isn't going to come from him, it has to come from you, Nelly. You need to decide where you stand, what you are looking for here, and then you need to be the one to stop taking the bait, so to speak, no matter how guilty or bad you feel for ignoring him. If you decide you do not want to play this game anymore, then you do have the power to end it, simply by refusing to engage anymore when he initiates. But you have to be sure this is what you want, Nelly. It sounds like you aren't 100% sure. And that little window of uncertainty on your part is exactly what keeps this going. It's your decision, it's entirely up to you and there is no right or wrong answer here; just your own answer, my beautiful friend.
You don't have to make any hard and fast decisions either, Nelly, if you don't want to. If you find it within yourself to focus on you and your own life and your studies and let him be just another part of your life that you can choose to not give a priority to right now while you have other priorities, that's an option, too. But it doesn't sound like that's working for you by how hard it is to not think about him.
It doesn't have to be so complicated if you don't want it to be. But if there's something there, if you want to know what it would be like if you were in the same city, then maybe that's something you want to explore, too. Listen to your heart, balance it out with a reality check, and then imagine your best friend is asking you the same questions and consider the advice you'd give her.
Trust yourself that you know what you want to do here, if you take out the "shoulds" the "what ifs" and the fear of making the wrong decision. You can always change your mind, go back, change it again, or do something entirely different. The only person you answer to is yourself. You're human, Nelly; give yourself a break. Make the decision that gives you the greatest amount of peace and calm, the least amount of regrets, and honors and loves the beautiful woman you are. And if you need to change your mind along the way, know that that's ok, too. This is your life and how you choose to live it is entirely up to you!
Thank you Jane. I recently told him I cant speak to him anymore, he wanted to have a talk. So we facetimed and somehow he convinced me it was a bad idea and that we should be exclusive when im in town, but... even though im going to be in town in a few weeks, he wants us to be exclusive on these terms: I see him during thanksgiving, he goes off to new zealand for a week for vacation, he comes back and then a week later start being exclusive from his birthday until february when its my school prom, and then thats it. Back to not exclusive... I honestly DO NOT know how he manipulated me into agreeing to that for even a second. We ended the conversation saying ok, that is our plan. I woke up the next day to his good morning text, and instead of feeling happy I felt so angry and manipulated. I waited about 6 hours to respond to gather my thoughts and not make a rash decision and finally I texted him saying, "Hey, I dont think its a good idea to be together temporarily. I know thats exactly what you want, but I cant do that knowing there is a deadline. We can be friends, not now, but in the future" and then he didnt respond to me... ever. So thats where I am now, I feel kind of hurt but I think he does too because he always responds unless he is mad. Which is ok with me, I know I made the right decision; however, because of my continues relapses into talking to him again. Im very scared that hes going to contact me in a few weeks when he knows im going to be in town and that Im going to give in and not have enough willpower. I dont know why I am so hung up on him or have put him up on a pedastle... I used to be so confident. I still am really, I feel beautiful and intelligent and I know that there are so many guys who would treat me well. Why do I want his approval so badly? I feel hurt and kind of angry these days, but I just trying to deal with it. Is there any advice you can give me in moving on and not falling back into his traps?
If you really want to move on from him, Nelly, then don't take his calls, don't respond to his texts - you can even block him if that's what you need to do for you. His traps only become traps if you allow yourself to fall into them. You can avoid them by avoiding him on all levels. It's not harsh, it's not mean, it's not anything but you being honest with him by refusing to lead him on and refusing to allow yourself to be manipulated into agreeing to something that you know you're going to regret later. Going back and forth like you're doing with him is only draining for both of you.
This doesn't have to be any more complicated that you choose to make it, Nelly; remember that. You're in control. No one can make you do anything - or agree to anything - that you don't want to! Take back your own power here, and don't let any feelings of guilt or regret change your mind once you've made this decision.
I think when you've had enough time and space from him, you'll be back to feeling your confident self again. Remember that you are not the victim here; he can't get under your skin unless you allow him, too. I know that's easier for me to say from here, but it really is the truth, my beautiful friend. You are in control. You don't have to talk to him, text him, respond to him, facetime with him or have anything else to do with him unless you choose to.
Thank you. I know youre right. I know I am making this more complicated than need be, I feel like normally I would just cut a guy out of my life if I dont feel happy or that he is treating me well. And this might be an excuse that im making for him because im in denial still, but its been so hard because we have all the same best friends. I feel like all my future holiday plans are ruined because we had the same plans as everyone, except it would be me coming into HIS city even though they are both of our firends, so I feel like Im not allowed to/shouldnt be going to our friends events since it was my decision not to see him. But it makes me sad to have to cut them out of my life and unfair and is making me wonder if its possible to still go without taking back a step in my progress...
You can always choose to go to your friends' events and keep your holiday plans with your mutual friends while staying true to yourself, Nelly. The only person who says you're "not allowed to" or "shouldn't be going" is you. It's how you choose to see this, my beautiful friend. Don't give anyone else all this power that's yours. You are that strong regardless of whatever scenario you choose, but only if you choose to be.
hi...i am so grateful to have passed by this website...I am learning a lot from you...im on the same boat too....still struggling...but i know i can move on in time..
And you will, Jamilla! We do this all in our own time - beginning right where we are - and never on anyone else's timeline for us.
It seems my story is different in many respects. I am middle-aged, and have given the last 3 years to a man I love (and I mean in the truest sense of the word). He treats me like I am the only one, spending every available weekend with me. We live 20+ miles apart, me in the city and him in the country, so we don’t spend weekday nights together very often. He texts me daily, as I do him.
The problem is two-fold; he has never told me he loves me, and he won’t completely commit. The only two excuses he has ever given me are: a) he has made too many wrong choices in women and has gotten hurt to the point of not trusting, and b) we see things differently. So the question begs to be asked: why then does he find it hard to let me go if he won’t give himself completely? We have had some pretty bad breakups over the 3 years, but we always end up back together. Each time we do, he seems to try a little harder. However, he simply won’t use the “L” word or completely commit. It’s as if he just doesn’t want to give up his freedom. He has never even told me, or responded affirmatively, that I am the only one. I truly don’t think he has another woman in his life simply because I am at his house every weekend, and if I text or call, he is always available to respond.
I keep going back to that frightening realization (that I pray isn’t true) that I have simply become a convenience to him. I’m there every weekend if he isn’t off hunting. Over the course of our time together, he has introduced me to his family and friends. I know he cares deeply for me.
The thing I can’t get out of my mind? In his last relationship before me, he moved her in after only 6 months of dating her. He bought her diamonds. In the end, she left him to go back to her ex-husband, and that, according to him, has created an issue of trust (among other past relationship issues). What I don’t understand is that, at our age (we are only a year apart), doesn’t he know enough about life to know that all humans are different? Just because he couldn’t trust the women of his past does not mean I would ever do anything to make him not trust me. And I haven’t. Plain and simple. Why can’t he give himself to me the way he did her or all the other committed relationships of his past?
I don’t know what to do. I love him with all my heart, but I have never felt so alone in a “relationship” as I do with him. Every single time I have let him go, neither one of us goes so far away that we don’t make it back together. But it never seems to be enough. It never seems to feel like a real relationship. I feel hopeless more than I feel hopeful.
oh Brenda, I feel for you. He is obviously very content with the way things are, but you are not. He has been very clear with you on what he is and isn't willing or able to give you. You are living in this relationship solely on his terms, without even knowing for sure that you are the only one. Of course you don't understand so much of the way he is and the way he thinks. Because it doesn't make any sense, and he himself may not even know why he is this way. He just knows that this is his comfort level with you, and my guess is that the women he was with before you who left him, was probably completely different from you and he was different with her - and moved her in, as you say - because he knew she wasn't in it for the long haul, so he felt safe that he wouldn't have to commit on a deeper level with her. I have seen this happen firsthand just as you describe it, so please know there is no competition there; you bring out an entirely different level of commitment with him that I'm guessing he isn't comfortable with, but he's reluctant to stray too far because he also knows that you may well be the best thing that ever happened to him. And yes, I hear you when you say at your ages, you wouldn't think you'd be dealing with this. And yet, there are no shoulds or shouldn'ts here; just the reality of what is.
So now this becomes about you, Brenda. And what you are and are not willing to put up with to be with this man, however wonderful he is and however much you love him. This isn't about anyone else and what they would do. We all have different things we're willing to put up with or draw the line on in the name of love and what that means to us. It's ultimately your decision. What is he worth to you? What is being with him, albeit on his terms, worth to you? And then what is not being alone in a relationship worth to you? What is giving this up to see whether there might be a real relationship out there for you worth to you? And would being without him changes that hopelessness to more hopelessness of a different kind, or would it bring you more hope? You have to dig deep where you're in something like this. To see where you're really at and where your own boundaries are and where the lines in the sand are drawn. You have to be the one to make those decisions; he isn't going to be motivated to change something that is working this well for him. It's up to you. What I do know, is you should never have to do anything to make someone want to commit to you if you are in this for commitment, for the real deal; a real relationship. If a relationship is meant to be, it always is because both of you want it to be and are willing to do whatever it takes to get there - but that does require both of you being on the same page.
I hope this gives you a starting place to sort through some of this, Brenda; my heart so goes out to you!
Thank you so much, Jane! I can analyze to the end of time, but hearing what I know to be the truth from someone else, someone with much more expertise in the "field", puts a whole new perspective on the situation. "What I do know, is you should never have to do anything to make someone want to commit to you if you are in this for commitment..." Therein lies the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have felt many times that the situation is unfair to me because, as you so aptly put it, "he isn't going to be motivated to change something that is working this well for him." And, as much as I love him completely, it simply is not working well for me. As much as I love him, I am so very tired of being alone and waiting my life away for the next weekend and the next and the next.
God bless you, Jane. You are an inspiration to so many. And especially to me.
Brenda
I am in much the same situation as Brenda. I'm 50 years old and can't believe I'm dealing with this. In my case he stays with me on the weekends, after 3 years of dating. He works out of town during the week and goes home before he comes to my house and home again on Sunday night to get ready for work. Oh, home is with HIS PARENTS. While he is out of town I take care of what needs to be done with my kids and his. I definitely feel alone, and I don't like it I love him and want things to be different but I'm not sure they ever will be. We never discuss our relationship going further because he shuts down. It is taking a toll on me. Saying that makes me wonder more how he can watch me feel this way and do nothing about it if he truly cares. I am so confused.
I want to start by saying that I felt alone when i was in the midst of a similar situation. i always think and feel like im alone, then i come to this website and i feel understood and a sense of clarity. thank you for this wonderful website! okay well now i guess ill share my experience. I was 17 when i met this amazing boy at school. when i seen him everything was moving slow and we were the only two in the room, or so it seemed. it felt and like a movie and im unfortunately a hopeless romantic so i fell hard easily. we were together for two years with struggles due to accusations of him cheating and him feeling like i didnt trust him. finally he told me at 19 he thinks we should take a break for a week( at the time i lived with him) and go to my sisters house. I was so devastated and i instantly felt like i was going to die. i get a phone call about two days later saying that he just wasnt into the relationship all the way and he didnt want to drag me along. i think him being a virgin when i met him and him feeling like he needed to sell his royal oats played a huge part in the situation. is was starting to get interested in other girls( was even talking to one the same day we broke up). anywho i did like what you said and blamed myself, i couldnt let him go and i was trying to fix it. he kept gigving me hope by saying that we could possibly get bac together but as months passed by i realized he had fallen for another girl, this was just in a matter of 8 months ago. the story has several more twists and drama to it but this is the condensed version. im going to close by saying that ive truely learned that im strong even though at the time i felt weak. ladies if you can go through all this and still find your way back to yourself than just know that your strong.
Thank you for sharing your story, Kieona. I'm glad you always feel understood and less alone here; that's exactly the reason I've created this space. 🙂
I think the younger we are, the more we blame ourselves because we haven't yet had that reality check on our hopeless romantic beliefs and of waiting before we fall so hard. I completely relate to the feelings you felt, Kieona. It's not that we should ever allow ourselves to become hard, just that we need to make sure someone is truly deserving of us and our beautiful hearts before we give ourselves away. Those feelings of being so devastated and alone resonate will all of us on some level. And yet, the most beautiful part of all, is that you came through it, stronger than you could ever have believed at the time, I'm sure. It's why an outside perspective from someone who's been there, is so valuable because when we're in it, we can't imagine things being better, of us finally feeling better without him. And we hold on so tight to that hope, trying so hard to him back, because in a sense, we mistakenly feel like it's only in getting him back that we can get ourselves back. We don't realize this is part of our journey to ourselves, to find that person we truly are deep down inside who is stronger and more worthy than anything we imagined. And like you said, Kieona, you truly are not alone.
I can´t agree with you more, Jane... You are so good at this!
I have recently let go of a relationship I thought was serious... I thought we were both on the same page... Long story.. And unfortunately, I did blame myself at some point- like you say we do- for NOT SEEING THIS before... It´s like, AHH, so much time wasted... Or maybe not... It´s my journey, right?
Focusing on the positive, now I am not settling for something half way... It is scary, but I do filter out many possibilities, even on Valentine´s, because it is not about "being with someone" to "feel" like you are in a relationship, but about actually BEING in a relationship that works for both parties... I feel good every day, so whoever wants to pick at me because I´m so passionate about what I do, is out... Whoever JUST wants to have a good time, is out.. LOL... And something else I can share in your beautiful space here: being "picked", like you say in one of your awesome posts, is not what it´s about... It is about us picking what WE WANT... And I mentally had to let go of something unexpected with someone else I thought liked me, was when he picked someone in a rush- like rebound, just out of a hurtful relationship- because of her age (younger than me) & them having been hurt... LOL.. Yes, I don´t know everything, but now I have pretty good intuition on what people´s intentions are... Whatever...
So I move on, mentally & physically... Next week I´m giving someone an opportunity... Will let you girls know! P.S. I like him, but I have to check if he can be kind, generous and respectful of my way of living... Moving to intertwining our lives, if and only if we´re on the same page (that is basically what I´m looking for now), yet my intuition is that he is critical (previous observations when we were friends)..
This is not easy, this is a challenge, just like what I´m doing... But I KNOW I will succeed... What do Jane & friends say? I appreciate U ; )
We learn and grow in what we call that wasted time, Monica; because yes, it is each of our own journeys and what we need to do that learning and growing is different for everyone. It is about exactly what you say; figuring out what we want and what we don't want; what we come to finally see we deserve, and what we finally realize we never deserve. Essentially being able to choose for ourselves what that all looks like in a person, and not molding ourselves into someone that he will choose. There is a huge difference. One comes from a place of high self-esteem and confidence, the other from a place of insecurity and a lack of confidence in the beautiful true selves we really are!
It sounds like you have your eyes wide open to see the reality of what this new opportunity really is, Monica, but always be wary of a critical tendency. Nothing breaks us down and tears us apart like a well-intentioned, yet critical soul. We learn to recognize these things sooner as we go along, but even the wisest and most experienced of us sometimes need that reminder to check in with ourselves and make sure our hearts approve.
I learned this the hard way as well. I was with the guy I have mentioned in other posts for 5 months. He asked me to marry him immediately which I should have considered a red flag but for some reason did not. I should have known that he was not going to truly commit so I did the calling, leaving messages, texting, sent an ultimatum letter, and sent an email but none of that worked. I realize now we were just too different--I have a career and he went from job to job. I valued education and he did not. I could go on and on. I let go because I knew this is not what I deserved nor what I wanted. Being with and marrying would be a mistake of gigantic proportions and I would forever regret it.
We learn these things the hard way because it takes time to recognize those red flags for what they are. We all so want to believe all those warm, fuzzy feelings that promise so much, yet all too often deliver so little. It's all a part of this journey, Emily; you're not the first, and you certainly won't be the last to go through something like this. Along the way, we come to see things quicker, to recognize those red flags sooner, and most of all, to stop blaming ourselves for someone's else issues.
Jane,
I have now been with this man for 2 years as FRIENDS or FWB. We recently stopped seeing each other and a few days after this taking place he slept with another woman. He stated it was a mistake and he poured his heart out to me saying he wanted me back in his life. We have been texting and I have told him that I can not go back as only FRIENDS that I am needing more, but he says he feels like he is being forced into Committment. So I asked him what ideas he had as far as how we could do this and then he could share with me and we would see if we both agreed upon it. As of now it has been a few days and he is still thinking about it. When I did ask him a few days ago if he had thought about it, he replied yes and that I was being pushy. So we have not spoken about it again since a few days ago. What should I do? I have to know what he thinks on Committment or ideas. I know that I want committment and don't want to wait anymore. Do I not sleep with him until he tells me his answer? Do I just ignore him and never see him again? I have read so much material and the last book I read it was clear to me that he is a COMMITTMENTPHOBIC. I love this man but I love myself more. Any suggestions?
Sonia
Get busy living your own life, Sonia. Date other men, open up to other things. Focusing on him will drive you crazy. Let him be.
He's showing you what he doesn't have to give you, Sonia. How can sleeping with someone a few days after you stopped seeing each other simply be a mistake? Someone who cares, someone who's commitment material, someone who is truly compatible with your values and what you're looking for doesn't make those kinds of mistakes. You've got everything you need to know right there in front of you. Allow yourself to see this man for who he is and who he's clearly showing you he is. Allow your own blinders that want to stay in the fantasy to come off. See him. Believe him. Believe what he does, the delays, the behaviors that you could never accept from someone who truly loves you and wants a commitment as much as you do. Believe it all. Allow yourself to feel your own beautiful power again. Then you will know exactly what to do.
He is who he is! People don't change! Only if they want to! You CAN'T change him either!
He will never commit to anyone!
Move on!
omg I am reading all the stories on here ugh ladies are we all talking about the same guy??? lol I am in the exact same situation. I should of had more sense and when i met this guy he really wasn't all that. At first I really didn't sweat him if he didn't call give him his space, but as time went on i noticed a pattern with him...i don't know where he lives, haven't met any family or friends, we don't go anywhere he lives 2.5 hours from me doesn't have a problem driving here...when i call him it goes to voicemail , when i text him it could be a few hours before he responds or even the next day, i asked him are u married? do you have a girlfriend? are you seeing someone? he answers no...i ask him why don't i see you as often as i like he has no answer, every time i try to break it off with him he calls...he apologizes only to behave in the same manner...i get so pissed off he makes me crazy.... so i broke it off with him yesterday, i kinda of told him i talked to my ex he got pissed off and hung up on me lol oh now he is concerned??? anyway after he hung up i sent him a text and told him i am done their are other people that will go to the end of the earth and i will find them sick of playing games...dont get me wrong ladies my heart is broken but i have to move on no woman deserves this mental abuse...he is a liar and a cheat and he probably is married my guess...i have too much going on and have my shit together to deal with crap like this. if i wanted trash i would get a job at the trash company and get paid for it. i will get through this it will take time and some days will be harder than others but i have to do it before i waste anymore time
I must admit I learned this the hard way. I am still in te process of moving on from a guy who never wanted a commitment with me. It was hard to walk away. He did say it made him sad and that he would miss me but in the first place he never asked me to stay and he never thinked twice when he told me he never wanted anything serious. Some things are easier said than done. I have always known how confident I am and what I really wanted from a relationship. When he came into my life, I waited around for him. He made me feel insecure, I would get jealous of every woman he goes out with. I would always think if he's sleeping with her. I will even have petty fights with my friends when I find out they would be hanging out and I was not informed. No women deserves to be in this same situation.. This will not benefit a woman who's looking for something serious. It will just destroy your confidence level and feel even more alone that you already were in the first place. This is truly knowing your worth, sticking to it, embracing, celebrating it. A good relationship will feel good, its will not leave you doubting or with hanging questions.
Most of us do learn this the hard way, Reann; and yes, avoiding falling into these situations is always much easier said than done. Thanks for sharing your story and reminding us all of the reality of the toll it takes on your confidence level being with someone like this. When you look back, it's always hard to believe we can fall into this, but when we're in it, we always think it's going to be different with us. I couldn't have said all this better myself 🙂
I've just walked away. The hardest part is knowing whether or not I've done the right thing. Most everything between us was so lovely, and happy. But he couldn't define us as being in committed relationship, and he made it clear that our feelings toward one another are imbalanced. He didnt want me to go, because he says he loves my company, but he couldn't make any promises or declarations beyond that. I've never felt truly loved by him, but I loved being with him, and he with me. I am so confused, empty and scared. It's been 3 days and he sends a text every now and then indicating he misses me. I don't respond. Please help me know what to do.
Dear Shari,
You did the right thing walking away. You would have been settled for being used till he finds someone "better" if you hadn't.
Keep your dignity intact and go no contact.
You deserve a man who wants to be your boyfriend, who is all in with you, not a guy who just likes what he gets from you but won't give you anything you truly need.
We take so much for guys who give us little or nothing in return. My guy told me I was too old to be excited about us making plans. for my birthday. Our first NYE he dodged making plans for us to be together. I got loud and suggested he stay where. ever he was that night. He purposely kept his phone messages from being emptied. I tried to talk to him about things. He doesn't see my side at all. I feel I should stop sleeping with him . I decided to put him in the friend zone. I said he is welcome to call me as a friend and talk about sports or drink cocktails if he likes but I never plan on sleeping with him again. I also won't be call in him eithger. He will have to do any reaching out if there is any. I am done showing any effort. I deserve better. I go out dancing now. I feel so free now. No one needs what was happening in my former relationship.
Listen to your heart, Shari. Your heart that knows who you are, that knows what you need, that knows what it feels to be loved for you. Some of us don't need to have the relationship to be defined if everything else is there, but most of us do. Don't torture yourself. If you have something to say, don't be afraid to say it. And if there's more to this story, don't be afraid to find out. If you're allowed to change your mind, if there are no rules to breaking up or getting back together, if this is your own life and you're allowed to have it look however you want it to, what would you do then?
I have a similar issue as Reann. I met this guy and I gave him a chance. He was in the navy and I had never talked to anyone in the military so I was unsure of his intentions. He basically begged me to be in a relationship at first sight almost, but I wasn't ready for one so I kept declining, but we slowly built a friendship. We enjoyed time together almost everyday and I fell for him. But when he saw me getting close, he backed off and no longer wanted to commit. So he's left me just thinking and he's gone for a couple of weeks on duty and it just hurts knowing he doesn't want to commit. I told him when he called me on the ship that I couldn't do it anymore and that I couldn't wait because basically we were in a relationship without a title and I felt like I deserved more. He let me go, even though I could tell he wanted to be selfish and keep me because he liked my company. This made me sad. He called a couple days later saying that he just wanted my prayer on the ship and I almost wanted to be mad at,him because it was like he forgot about our situation but again I had to let him go and I'm still debating and thinking so much about it. It happened a few days ago and I still really don't want to let him go. He said that eventually he was going to ask me out and he claimed that he had taken me out on dates but he wasn't and he didn't take me on proper dates. I just want to move on and stop blaming myself.
Reann, Dee, Ladies,
As everyone's story is so eerily familiar there are also those unique elements that make it even More helpful by seeing how many ways men play their games. I am a divorcee of 7 years (was with my ex since 19 years old) with 2 beautiful wonderful teenagers I share 50/50 custody.
3+ years ago I met a career soldier who had come back from 5th deployment to find his mother dying of cancer. He gave up his apartment to move in/help her plus left full time Army to go Reserves (one weekend a month) until she passed about 4 years ago.
We met about 9 months later so technically he lived in his mother's house, paid no bills and was unemployed but I found his circumstances unique and could accept his family loyalty and patriotism. He had $100,000 in the bank, similar amount for education, had already earned his bachelor's in History from UCLA, had been previously involved/married for 8+ years and had helped her raise her newborn from another man during his education/Army years so I felt he had all the tools to be a good partner.
I made my intentions clear; I wanted a life partner for family, home, career, happy ever after including marriage and maybe more kids. He agreed and easily drove the 1.5 hours to see me, slept on the couch for years when my kids were home, helped with housework, joined family activities, always brought flowers, packed me lunch, even washed floors and folded laundry!
How many ways was he saying he was head over heels?! We had passion, humor, sweetness ... but it's what he Didn't do that started to destroy everything.
He refused to let me meet family or friends. Refused to use a cell phone (Army gave him one but he wouldn't use it), refused to say the L-Word (literally said L-Word), would not Friend me on Facebook and got mad when years into us I put up pics of us. Biggest was he refused to work. He blew all his savings within 6 months (bought antique cars he spent thousands trying to rebuild), never paid off college debt, owed the IRS every year, owed the Army $20,000+ in mismanaged pay, had medical debt and no health insurance ... on and on.
The more time he stayed with me the more I felt he should contribute. From the beginning he said he had always wanted to become a teacher (I'm a teacher) so he was offered jobs ... he refused to test or enroll. The Army offered him a recruiting job in my town, one of the few ways someone as high ranking as he was could get back in Regular Army. He applied, got accepted then wouldn't submit for the job. I even got him a job as a Security guard in my school district. He applied, trained, then never showed up.
Years later I finally met some of his family and co-workers. They loved me and were so grateful for all I did for him and thought he should swoop me off to Vegas to get married ASAP.
But as much as he said he cared he'd walk out if I disagreed with him. He'd get irrationally angry and lash out with profanity and threats. He was controlling of my appearance, hyper jealous of men, accussed me of cheating although he knew I had neither opportunity nor inclination. Whenever we got closer he'd do something to cause a fight, back us up. Yes he was diagnosed with PTSD but refused to attend counseling.
Last May we broke up when he cancelled our family vacation for no reason, refused to explain and then cursed at me for asking. We were both devastated and missed each other so reconciled (against my family's wishes) a month later. The honeymoon was great but by November he again picked a fight over watching TV. In December we reconciled (he was lonely in training in snowy Utah) only to have him leave in January saying he was going to start school and a job in his hometown (but could still meet in between at hotels).
We saw each other in secret (my family was pissed) as he swore he was going to get a job and start school near me. He watched my home for 2 weeks when I took a school trip to Europe but when I returned home he was distant. No job, no school. When I asked he lashed out again (it's been 5 years since he's worked). He walked out next day with no goodbye and I got an email a few days later saying nice knowing you, no goodbye to my kids who had welcomed him during his time with us.
Almost 4 years. My daughters high school years. He shared my life, we talked babies, home, future all of it. Then gone.
His family backs me. So do his friends. He hasn't contacted me this time.
That's not love but I thought it was, it could have been but I am again guilty of falling for potential and making my needs second to his.
I lost friends over this; friends who love me and couldn't watch me continuously hurt, used, played.
And now I'm alone again having lost these years and still afraid I won't find anyone worthwhile. If he truly loved me he would've been proud to show me off, eager to make a new family, happy to provide for us and start the career he always wanted as he had every resource. Together we could have had everything. Now I'll have to do it myself which I will but I did want a partner to share the journey as do we all.
I wrote they email one year ago, today. Since then, we've take a road trip with my daughter, I helped him start an airbnb, and we've spent at least 3 nights together a week. On paper it sounds good. The part I never mentioned is that in 3 years he's rarely kissed me during sex, he has no interest moving in together, and he is consistently unsure of a future together. He says he likes thinks as they are, because the relationship doesn't require too much of him. But it's so hard being a single mom and loving a man when those things are not in the same place. He's never told me he loves me, only that he loves my company. It's so weird that I am in the same place I was 3 years ago, to the day. He's been through divorce and was hurt by a woman very badly, someone he still is very atttracted to. Why am I so confused about what to do? We have so much good together, but I hurt feeling unworthy of words like love, and being kissed, and being considered worthy of a future together.
My story is like Shari's It took forever for the BF/GF status which he became comfortable with, but no ILY in 1.5 years. He said he wasn't there yet and there's different levels and that means he's ready for marriage. I broke up in June and it's been the hardest thing I've ever done, but that imbalance thing makes it tough. I'm still hoping he comes to some kind of life epiphany, but who knows....... Sucks
Dear Shari, you did the right thing by walking away.. it's the hardest and the boldest step anyone can take.. I know how you feel right now, it's terrible and devastating.. you feel as if the world will come crashing down,. But I can almost guarantee you that he will come around if he ever cares. If he doesn't, it means he never would have. Moving away is the only thing that can make him realize your worth and actually misses your being for real... he will evaluate and decipher what he actually wants from you and give you what you deserve. Don't ever settle for less, or he will never see your worth. If it happens with him fine, if it doesn't, he's never the good guy for you. So don't fold your arms waiting, take care of yourself and attract a real Man in case he never comes around.
I know this is late and you probably moved on from this by now...or worse...went back. 🙂 But I would like to answer this because this happened to me. I was with someone long distance who did this to me and I finally found the courage to cut him loose. About 1 month later (no joke) he sends me the most passion-filled text saying he missed me, wanted me, and recounting romantically passionate moments we had. I was blown away. I don't remember responding more than, "ok". These are men that want their cake and eat it too...they want you...but not the sacrifice associated with you. I hope you did not respond.
I have a similar issue. However, we are in a long distance non-relationship. He says we're are exclusive as he isn't seeing anyone else and that he wants a future with me. But he says I'm too emotional and and that I have to work on that. Though we've fought about this many times, we still text and talk everyday (often all day) and have done so for three months. I will see him again in April when he comes home on leave. I feel I should wait until then to make any decisions on whether or not to end things if he doesn't want to take things further. Until then I suppose I'll work on my emotions. Am I wrong for sticking this out when I truly believe he does want to be with me? Or am I foolish for believing his words even though he seems truthful?
So you have to control your emotions warning bells, red flags..if he does the love bombing, devalue, disregard cycle too check out narcissism personality disorder or just a user.
Hi everyone, i found this blog today and man do some of these stories hit me so hard its unreal 🙁 i just dont know what to do anymore... i am 27 years old, i met a guy in 2013 and we have gotten really close over the passed 3 almost 4 years with lots of ups and downs, in 2016 on my birthday i decided to finally give up my virginity at the age of 26 to this very same person in the hopes that he will finally see my worth and hopefully commit, but till this day he hasn't even given us the title of boyfriend or girlfriend, whenever i post nice things on Facebook or a pic of the two of us not even a few minutes and the post has been deleted 🙁 he says "he is a private person he doesn't want the world to know about us, whats between us stays between us, i have said "i love you" to him more than once, and not once has he ever said it back to me, he hardly ever buys me anything special and i have spent a lot of money on him its scary, we hardly ever do things in public and when i comfort him by holding hands or putting my arms around his waist he never returns the favor and when i ask why he doesn't do the same he says "his not used to it" i have tried so many things to show him how much i love him and that i want to be there for him, but whenever i bring up the conversation as to what i am to him? he says "his waiting for the right time" or "he needs to figure things out with himself, tat something spiritual is holding him back from moving things along with me" i am more down than happy because he simply wont tell me what i am to him or what we are and its been almost 4 years of just being friends, everything is behind closed doors and when we do sleep together he gets up and leaves he NEVER sleeps over! always has an excuse for the next day or says maybe next time, i do love the man i really do i gave everything i possibly could to him, i was even honest with him that another man might like me, not many women would do this, so when the guy asked me to go out with him i said yes! cause i wanted to give someone else a try seeing that me and this other guy were only friends, not even a month and this guy said all sorts of things like me misses me please dont give up on me etc... and we ended up sleeping together again, so i had to give up the other relationship because i did cheat on him and even now he still wont commit! 🙁 i have let go so many times and yet he always says things that make me go back 🙁
Forget about him for a minute and ask yourself the hard questions: why do you stay? His words don't matter. His behavior does and 4 years is infinity of receipts. Why are you OK with disrespect? Why do you even like this person? Is this what you honestly believe you want?
Ponder those questions and be honest with yourself. This person has long shown you who he is. You can live with it or you can't. You cannot change anyone, you cannot make anyone love you or commit or respect you. You can only change yourself and commit to yourself and walk away when it's not working for you, regardless of what the other person says or does. When you learn to put yourself first always, you'll find people who are worthy of you. Good luck.
Hi Angel,
Thank you, I have asked myself these questions so many times I truly have that I over think these questions asking myself what did I do wrong? is this all my fault? part of me feels I only feel like this because I only just recently gave up my virginity to a man who i actually thought loved me, and I ended up falling for him and I fell really hard I suppose this is what they meant when they say LOVE IS BLIND!
Love is not blind and if I may, I do not think this is about love. Why are you placing so much value on your virginity? Please understand, I'm not judging you, I am simply prompting you to question why you think it matters so much. Is it because you think your value as a human being, and as a woman lies there? Who put that thought there? Is it yours? I don't know about your life, but I do know a lot about the whole virginity obsession our misogynistic culture has with it. You matter as a human being because you exist, period. I suggest you start out questioning all your held ideas about love, men, women, your sexuality, and figure out who you are and what you want out of life and why. Try to untangle yourself from a lifetime of harmful messages you have bought into like everyone of us. This person doesn't care about you and deep down, you know this person is wrong for you. What does he represent? Figure that out. Are you looking for your dad subconsciously? I know I was. Journal a lot and ponder these things. Your answers are within you. If you can, buy Jane's programs "Beautiful, confident, radiant you" and "why men pull away". They are a very good starting point.
Thanks for that need to hear that. Im in the same boat. I just want to know how do you stop loving someone who doesn't love you?
You love yourself instead.
Thank you for your response. I'm in the exact same spot trying to move on from a guy who has never wanted to commit to me. I'm trying to move on but at the same time hoping he would come back to me. It's so hard. I'm scared to be by myself and I feel alone. Reading that there are other people in the same boat as me gives up hope. I recently bought a relationship book and it emphasized not to think or worry about things you can't change. So I'm trying to focus on myself and finding my own passion. Good luck everyone in the process.
I also am in the same situation, after giving 3 long stressful years of heartache, stress, worry,anger,sadness, disapointment,i turned into someone i didnt know,ive ended us 3 times already and he keeps coming back to only repeat himself,today i ended us for good and yes its very hard,but i realized im just hurting myself.
Going through this exact something.. He tells me how much he loves me , but I just told him I'm looking for a relationship, a best friend.. He said I am your best friend, but he also told me he can't do the relationship part , so I told him , then your not what I want , I want a man to love me the way I deserve !!! However he still insist on texting me , and calling me baby , and a few times he asked if he could come over .. My answer was NO .. I thought after being with him for 3 years it would be harder on me , but I guess deep in my gut I knew we were never on the same page . It's only been a week , but I feel so much better .. Less stress and no more drama !!! This has happened before and we got back together, but this time it's about me first and loving myself again !!! It's his loss !!! Life is good .. And I'm a good woman so my man will find me when I least expect it, in the meantime, I live my life my way and never settle ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I'm in this same boat Sherry. It's a vicious, frustrating, heartbreaking cycle. I've been with almost 4 years and it doesn't move forward . Every time I bring up long term he has excuses and throws it back on me somehow. I've tried to keep the relationship just as friends, but then he always puts the moves on me. I feel like he just wants me around for sex. Fri. night he tried to iniate sex again and I brought up wanting to know if the relationship was ever going to go anywhere, and he blurted out, "With the right person!" I immediately grabbed my purse to leave and he claimed I took it the wrong way. I have not heard from him since. I'm heartbroken.
that is what i'm trying to do too girl, to love myself because i asked my boyfriend about his plans if i'm in it or not but instead he told me that he does't want to make promises he cant keep even said do i think we just dating for nothing i don't even know what that means because he seems like he doesn't want to make any promises because he ask me loving each other is not enough because he only have eyes on me does that tells me how he thinks of me or how our future holds do we even have a future or he just waiting for him to get a job i don't understand him
What if you loved yourself more before you met him but all you meetvare rotten men and you can't do d new friends or any work
I'm stuck....I'm in a 3year relationship with a man I absolutely adore. He is hardworking, a wonderful full time father, very disciplined with physical health, handsome, great sex ....etc....We click...but I'm very concerned bcuz he does not let me in his life. I've never met his family (which they live close by and he goes there frequently), I've never met his friends, we don't go on vacations together, no events together (work or sports)....We're typically at his place for a few nights a week, and occasionally we go out to dinner. And in three years we've done a overnight getaway maybe 3 times. When I ask him why I haven't met his family or why he doesn't invite me to his familys parties, cookouts, holidays etc...he doesn't give me an answer...he says idk why...I THINK he's embarrassed of me...idk why I think that...but I do. On holidays like Easter he went to his family's house and let me sit at his place...this is after three years. All he says is "you over think things"... I feel like I'm a secret. I know his family knows he's seeing someone... Idk this just doesn't make sense to me. I want to leave the relationship but everything else is so good...when we're together. But summer is coming and that means alot of parties, cookouts, going on the boat with his family, vacations, business trips etc....all without me. We have had short short periods where we weren't " together" or "breaking up" ...but there always short and I'm always the one going back to him...initiating it....I feel like I can't let him go...it hurts....what do I do?
And I want to add too...that he tells me he loves me all the time...and that I'm beautiful... But he also has an eye for other women in public and on TV....I'm just confused....and he makes me feel crazy anytime I want to talk about anything...
If you don't feel good with him, it's not right.
It hurts so much though...the good is soooo good....I hate the mere thought of losing him...its a horrible feeling.
I'm in the same relationship you are, only I've been going through it for 13 years. When we met he was going through a divorce as was I. He was married for 20 years but had been separated 8 of those years. I moved in with him four years ago. It was supposed to be temporary but every time we get ready to move out he tells us , my kids, now just my daughter, that we don't have to move. If we have a fight he tells me to get out and that it was just temporary, us living here. Every time we have a fight his not so ex of a wife comes over to fight his battles with me ...turns out they're not divorced. I've had no stability for four years everything I own in and out of boxes I can't have children and my children's pictures on the walls but his kids are on the walls . I was madly in love with him when I met him and I thought he was with me . When I fell in love with my second husband and he with me he asked me to marry him within three months so take my story and do what you want with it but trust me if he isn't committing after all this time and inviting you to the family things he's never going to just my humble opinion
Lisa, I know it hurts but this guy is treating you awful! Get mad girl and leave him. Find someone who is going to take care of your heart, not break it every time you see him. I've been there, twice - I finally left both times and once I got past the "withdrawals" I felt free! I was free of not constantly feeling hurt and rejected. What you are going thru is not love, it's obsession. The more he rejects you and keeps you at arms length, the more you want him. He's a vampire, sucking all your emotions out w/out giving anything in return. Saying "I love you" is easy to say. But it's actions that speak louder. Don't waste your love on someone who doesn't return it.
I understand that so much. It's hard to explain to friends and family that you are broken just because of the simple fact he won't marry me. I hear "you are beautiful", "I love you".. and I am so respected in all aspects of the relationship.... but.... then it comes time to talk about marriage and I am left never feeling like there was ever a true answer given. Six years I have been with this man and after the third year, I started to ask about "our" future and "our" plans of commitment. It's very hard on the heart. I did discuss this after our fifth date. I said that I have waited a long time to meet the right person and I have plans to marry again one day. My question was "Do you ever want to be married again one day" and he said 'Yes".. so, this journey seemed to be set in stone. I thought I was doing everything right. The other day I heard him talking about two business trips that he was going to go on in the next year, and my heart hit rock bottom. I thought "you can plan these trips away, but all I want is a wedding plan".. He finally told me that I'm not getting the $2500 ring .. and I said "When have I ever asked for anything? " All I ever wanted was for you to just ask me... and had you communicated with me, you would know that a marriage and a wedding are two different things to a woman that wants to be married in love and commitment. Everyone loves my boyfriend.. and it's hard because I understand why they like him so much.. same reasons why I love him.. but they don't see the hidden anguish of a broken heart due to a lack of communication and never wiping up my tears and mending my broken heart. I was about money three years ago, but now what's it about? I am heart broken and it's made me ache like I have never before. You can't give in to something that is truly valued. I wish I could actually say "Oh, that doesn't matter to me".. but it does... and I can't explain it.. but it does. The build up of love, the air filling in my balloon, all deflated when I heard "I don't feel the same about marriage as you....... and it's never changed since. I was so excited ... and then it broke me like never before....
I am now faced with the fact that if I go... I will miss so many things.... if I stay... I will be cheating my heart.... and it's a hard place to be.. it's a hard place to be......................................
I feel for you Lisa. I feel like if he was committed to you he would involve you with his family. I think you deserve someone who is proud to bring you around his family and take you places. I'm so sorry.
Get out of the a Relationship! Red flags everywhere! Don't waste your time! He can say he loves you... But is he IN LOVE with you? A man in love with you will put you on a pedestal! And bring you around family and friends to show you off!
WOW reading your post brought tremendous pain to my heart and tears 🙁 This is EXACTLY, word per word what I have been going thru for the past yr and a half!!!!!! You know deep down this is a toxic situation because honestly as much as it hurts to admit it, it's NOT a real RELATIONSHIP... It's just 1 messed up situation. Every time you try to let go, he does something or says something nice that makes you feel like thing's are going to finally change BUT deep down you know they never will. The truth is he likes you and loves what you do for him but he doesn't love you directly. He loves the idea of having you around that's it!! You are his spare tire & he will keep you around because he know's he needs you because you are reliable to him 24/7.... he is not afraid to get stuck because he knows you are there just waiting for him to need you. I know it sounds awful but I know this from experience. It hurts more because we both know what we need to do and yet refuse to do it, which is really why it hurts us more.... because we are purposely allowing this to happen to us... but you know what? The day you really had enough, is the day that you will walk away with out remorse or regrets because you went above and beyond to make it work and you will COMPLETELY forget him.... but that's also the day that he will realize what he lost and he will want to make it work with you LOL he will hate himself for losing you. One day you will look back and see this as a learning experience. You will hit rock bottom YES but that will teach you to never settle for anything less than what you deserve honey. I wish you the best, and I pray that you can soon find the courage to stand up for yourself and walk away from this toxic situation.
I blame you sweet heart ... I am sorry to tell you that he doesn't love you at all ... He is just spending his free time with you , you are speaking about great sex ... As for me i always make great sex , even with anyone , not only with my GF. this is not an excuse ... love is not a word we just say " i love you" if i love you that means i have to care about you, i have to be proud of you , i want everyone to know that i love you, i would do my best to see you happy and smiling and more and more ...
don't be weak in front of him , do not let him dominate your life.. show him you are a strong woman and that you can go on without him ..
the first thing you have to do now ... is to make him feel that you don't care about his neing in your life anymore ... don't ask him to go out or to see him , just ignore all these ... make him wonder if you still love him or not , but don't ever let him know the answer ... go out with friends for dinner , parties .. don't show him that you are always available ... if he asks you to meet at 8:00, just tell him let's make 9:15 if possible . like that you put him on fire and his jealousy will start to take place even if he doesn't really love you, because men usually don't like to be loser ... just try my recipe my friend and you will be the winner at the end.
Wow, this so hits home right now. How can someone talk about it want to try, second time around, talk about vacations, said I love you and then send a text it won't work. After we bother committed to try and not even talk through it ...why????
Because it works for him, Dorothy.
I understand it works for him, but to say you can keep my number and" leave me alone for now..."
What message does that send?
Hello, I'm in the same situation myself. It can be very confusing. I've only known my friend for 3 mos and we are dating now. He went through a divorce and I just assumed that he just couldn't let it go. But I did not know this until we started dating. We worked together and he would approached me on several occasions about going out with him on the weekends. So finally, I went out with him and it continue on and on. So as time went on, he told me after we had sex that he had other women friends and he wanted me only as a friend. It hurt me because usually when you like someone and sex becomes involved feelings grow. He doesn't take me around family at all. It's like I don't exist but I really like this guy, but after reading all of these situations I see he is just not interested. I'm done and I'm tired but I've never dealt with this before . You really have to be strong
?