Beautiful Justyne is dating a guy she's really fallen for. She says it seems perfect except for one problem - he told her he thinks she's a bit clingy.
Here's what she told us:
I've only been on a few dates with a guy I have met on Tinder. He is attractive, nice, and treats me like a princess.
He buys me anything I want, takes me to eat, he also drives to me for dates - it's not that far, almost an hour and a half away from each other.
When he's here it's the best time ever. We have a lot of fun together. It seems perfect - almost too perfect? We haven't really opened up to each other because he wants to take things slow.
I've never been In a relationship where we take things slow which is making me feel a little clingy. I text him that I miss him a lot and he told me that I was a little bit clingy? I don't understand how saying I miss you is clingy at all.
I have stopped telling him completely that I miss him but I want to tell him.
I'm just confused on everything. It seems like he likes me... but I feel like I like him more then he likes me - or am I just thinking I like him?
Ugh Jane, I have no clue if any of this even makes any sense but I need your help!
-Justyne
My Response:
There’s something we do, Justyne, when we have a few dates with a guy who shows us some real potential.
We get really, really excited!
We start imagining all kinds of future things and we have a really, really hard time staying in the moment and remembering that we’ve only just met him and we actually don’t even know him yet.
Like, at all.
So when he says he wants to take things slow, you don’t know whether that means he’s gone too fast in the past and has resolved to take things slow from now on, or if this is going to be a red flag around commitment, or if it’s about some other reason that has absolutely nothing to do with you.
But regardless of all these details that we still need to fill in the blanks here, there’s a tone I’m hearing that’s more than concerning.
You’re telling him way more than he’s telling you. You’re invested in this way more than he is. You’re initiating with him more than he’s initiating with you. You’re giving him every reason to question why he doesn’t have to do very much at all to have you miss him.
In other words, Justyne, he’s got the power here and you’re giving all your power away to him. And the problem with that is at this early stage in the relationship, actually before you can even consider it a relationship, you need to get to know this guy a whole lot better before you give away your power like this.
It's not sitting well with me that he feels he can say you’re too clingy. Of course he can, but that he's tellling you this is concerning to me. And I also don't like that you’re putting yourself out there and setting yourself up for him to say that in the first place. The "Ugh" is that feeling you get when you know you're giving way, way too much of your power away.
I can’t stress this enough; you don’t know yet if he’s worthy of YOU!
That’s what I want you to take away from here. More than anything else, don't give your heart away until you have clearly established, over time, by getting to know him very well, that he's worth giving your heart to.
You do this by having real dates (a lot of them) and by experiencing real life with him. This is how you determine if he's real relationship material for you, that you can trust him, that he’s on the same page as you, that he's going to do more than just take you anywhere to eat, buy you whatever you want, and drive to see you. Yes, these matter, but they’re still only on the surface and they still only show you the way he behaves in the very beginning. He still needs to pass the test of time.
As far as perfect is concerned, honestly, Justyne, I can tell you that you don't want perfect.
Perfect used to be a good thing, but now I see it as a big red flag. Perfect is the opposite of real because a real love relationship is comprised of two real, two very human individuals, and the last thing you want is perfect because no one can live up to perfect.
Not you, not him, not the relationship.
It puts pressure on you, it puts pressure on him, it keeps you living up to an ideal instead of real. That matters. It really, really matters.
Lastly, your line, "...or am I just thinking I like him", sums it all up. You don't really know yet - you can't possibly know yet - because you really don't know him at all. All you know right now is that you're attracted to him.
That's it.
So until you get to know him very well, treat him the same way you would treat any other attractive stranger. He's just a person who needs to show you he's worthy before you'll give him your heart.
If you keep this mindset, you'll maintain your power, and you'll be the one being chased.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
How about you, Gorgeous? Do you think beautiful Justyne is being clingy? What should she do in this situation? Share your thoughts with all of us below in the comments!
I'd be turned off by a guy calling me clingy right off the bat! That's just rude.
Haha yeh baby!?
Hi Justyne, dont contact him , let him stew a bit, let him wonder what your up to, what your doing, Good luck and very best wishes ?
Nice one Jane! ? and stay steady with he has to prove himself to you!
Sometimes the "I miss him" feelings are more a yearning for more in a life. He brings something new and exciting with the hope of romance coming true in your life. So you text I miss you bc you want feel more of that excitement or distraction and perhaps hope he will respond and it will "carry you away" for a bit.
All valid feelings and reasons and also ... it illustrates why you can say you think you like him. You already know you don't know him well enough, you just missing the feelings /the distraction/the promise.
The best thing is you can have that anticipation and excitement and hint of promise in your life without texting him, without him replying or initiating texts, without even dating him.
This appears to be more of a sign that you are ready for more in life, and you the one that can add it.
Whether it is starting a new hobby or a class or doing your resume and applying to a few different jobs (just to see), joining a volunteer project, a gym, or get a few people together to start a weekly coffee or walk or monthly cooking afternoon together or yoga day or book club.
You can make change happen in your life, add healthy distraction, and put you on a path with more than hints of promise.
Chances are you'll meet a guy this way but also you'll start to meet different guys on Tinder and elsewhere that you been meeting.
These guys wouldn't call you clingy and instead may wonder how soon should I make a date to reserve her time or how can I get invited to some of the neat things she does or will her energy overflow and help me? --Feelings that some may call yearning and that may prompt others to text "I miss you." 🙂
Wow! I love how your mind works! Are you a psychoanalyst?
Slow down has so many meanings,if only they can explicitly explain what it is right then and there. Perhaps we have to calm down and fine tune our own personal excitement and really see the guy for who he really is.
One other thing. He should drive you to dates if you feel comfortable letting him know where you live. (Personally, I like to meet men I don't know in a public place so I can bail and they don't know where I live, but that's me). It's chivalrous. These guys need to be bringing it back, and we as women should demand it. Yes, there should be equality. But we are also much more beautiful and loving creatures and we deserve to be treated as such. And he should pay for things. Don't let them be cheap or you'll end up funding their rent one day. Ugh.
I agree with both Jane and Angel's advice. First, I haven't been on Tinder in a year or so, but when I was checking it out it wasn't exactly the place to meet your next LTR. Men will woo you and do quite a bit if they think they will get something in return for it...it's like not having to go find a prostitute and pay those fees. So, a few dates, he will be on his best behavior. Give him 6 months and see if he's the same, or if he's still around. See what his actions really are in that time period. After a few dates, yes, I think telling someone you miss them is too quick. We want what we want and we hope we've found it, but don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Protect it like the valuable asset it is until he shows himself worthy. People seem to crack their facade about 6 months to a year after if they aren't showing you who they really are. Also, we never want to be called clingy or needy my a man. And most women will probably take flight at the signs of a clingy or needy man as well. It's alright to feel excited and have these feelings, just refrain from sharing them right away. It's the excitement of the moment. But thats how you'll push men away. Good luck, and just take it slow to protect yourself.
One more thing: for a man to call you clingy as opposed to ask you questions about you telling him you miss him often, with the goal of communicating and understanding you better, it is a red flag. Keep an eye on that. Clingy is not a word that is accurate and it is hurtful. Someone who is more mature and more open to a relationship would ask you questions out of curiosity and to open dialogue before criticizing you. They take responsibility for their feelings and ideas instead of blaming things on you. Think about that.
Profound Angel. Mind blown with this paragraph.
With all we are being shown by Jane in our journey, and insightful ladies such as yourself, it causes us to look back at all the past relationships so we can learn.
Words, phrases, actions, reactions etc, its all there as red flags. So many stock standard moments, that if at the time we had even the smallest understanding what they meant, we would have turned and walked away, quite easily, happy that we found out so much sooner.
But we don't know what we don't know. They are our lessons to arrive at this moment to love ourselves more, be brave, face these situations and tackle them head on for what they are. Don't settle. And yes, think about it.
In the meantime we keep joy in our heart and keep living, laughing, growing in love and learning more about our own heart and what we want and what that means to us.
Angel,
I always look forward to reading your comments. You are always spot on with your opinions and advice. I do feel the same way as you when it comes to men that I'm really attracted to. I get excited going out on dates with them and they always seem to disappoint me in the end. I think I need to start dating men not in my "type" category. I need to see men that truly value me.
Thanks for you postings, they are truly insightful.
That's so sweet of you,Nett. Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad my thoughts resonate with you and help you gain some clarity. This is me putting into practice what I have learned over the last three years since I found Jane's blog. I've learned a lot, but I still have aways to go.
As usual, Jane is correct in her advice. For me, feeling all that excited in the first place has become in itself a red flag, but in my personal case, I know it is precisely because these men are activating long held patterns within me. The excitement means insecurity and anxiety for me, which means I am making him out to be something I have no evidence of. Usually, these men end up disappointing me, but I have learned to see it coming and therefore I tread very carefully when they activate me. Success rate with these men has been 0 for me, so I know not to get to comfortable with them. I think it would be helpful for you to figure out what your internal triggers are when you get so excited about a man. It might help you keep yourself more grounded and to choose who you date better. Go for calm and happy as opposed to excited. That's what I'm going for now. So far I haven't met anyone that feels that way but I know it's because I'm going in blind as I've never had that feeling. I also know that because of who I am and where I've been, calm and happy is not even my regular state so it makes it even harder. I'm more of an anxious and fearful person and so that makes everything more complex for me, but I am sticking to my desire any way.
I hope you can understand yourself better, Justyne and yes, remember you don't know him and see if your excitement may be making you act out of character and why.