Beautiful Diana decided to ask her long term boyfriend where he sees the relationship going, and the response she got was not at all what she expected.
Here's her story:
I am in my late 50s. I divorced my husband after 20+ years of very verbally abusive marriage. But I never lost the hope of what I will have one day - a nice, stable, loving and very committed relationship what will last forever.
I just do not want to waste my time with relationships that are just “dating”.
I work hard on my relationships, I am patient, and I know it takes time for two people to get closer and to be ready to commit. Unfortunately, no matter how good the relationship is, no matter how much he “loves” me, no matter how much he does not want to see me leaving after I had enough of waiting for him to get ready to commit, I am in the situation where I am leaving alreadythe 3rd “boyfriend” just because I do not see any signs of real commitment.
I dated my first (after the divorce) boyfriend for 1+ year.
With the second one I put much more effort in, and stayed for 6 ½ years. He knew very well what I was looking for and hopping for but not only he never delivered, he made me feel guilty I wanted to leave just because of that stupid (his words) commitment.
We never lived together. I had to drive 120 miles to see him, be with him and do things together. I got tired. It was a very time (and money) consuming relationship.
After the very painful breakup I went on Match.com, put very clearly in my profile who I am and what I am looking for and here it is….I met my dream “match”.
He was like lost better half of me. We fell in love immediately and became the best friends ever. We became inseparable.
For more than 1 year of “dating” we never had real fight. We did so many things, we visited so many places, we proved to each other we have the same live style, the same goals, the same visions, we see the future the same way.
With that difference, I keep seeing myself being just a “girlfriend” even there.
We are together, but we do not live together. We live 40 miles away and we travel (week nights he is coming to my place, weekends I will visit him at his place).
He is retired and is much better financially them me. I have to work, and I work 2 jobs every single day. He meets me after work and we spend the whole evening and night together.
So far so good, but I need to take care of my house. I need to do laundry and take care of myself. His house is perfect since he has all day long to work on it.
He helps me a lot; since we met I never mowed my yard by myself. He helps with some other small stuff around the house but still a lot of work I have to do myself just for the few hours after work but I have to pay attention to him too, he cannot wait to see me…I am getting to the point where I am very tired and worried about my future.
I am abandoning my place; I don't even have time for my garden. I started liquidating the inside plants, I have no time to take care of them. My house needs a lot of repairs; I have no time to concentrate on it. I am home just for a few hours and he is with me all the time.
When I go to his place I help him a lot too. I do not mind doing that, this is why we are together…But I stopped seeing the future…I need more clear direction on how he sees “us” in the future, and how “close” this future is.
I know he had a very bad divorce, I know he still has problems with his ex wife, I know he is scared and has his own insecurities…but my clock is ticking…
We met on the dating site, both free and looking. And I was clear from the very beginning what I am looking for. He never said anything against that.
Last night, after we spent the whole long weekend at his place just having fun, we finally came to my messy house and I had to clean and do laundry. I got really frustrated this time and said very nicely what my concerns are about my own future.
I mentioned again the fact that I do not feel comfortable living together that way because of my reputation. I involved myself in the lives of his kids and relatives too much already without having the “title”.
His daughter even asked me to be one of her bridesmaid on her wedding next April.
I talked to him about that and told him I do not feel comfortable leaving “memories” on family events and photos without being a real member of the family.
I just do not want them to look at the wedding pictures some years from now and wonder what was the name of that girl my father was dating.
I have involved him with my kids and my relatives too. All of them like him a lot and want to see me finally happily married, and all of them already are asking questions about that.
I do not expect quick decisions from him. I am just thinking that if he is ready to propose, this will give me some direction on what to do. I am not ready to sign marriage papers.
But we could sit and talk about specifics how we can move in together, when, how and where. I just need some security, is that so strange?
I love him a lot. He is the best thing that has happened to me beside my kids. I see myself clearly with him in the future but I am not sure how he sees “us”.
Last night I talked openly and clearly. I did not blame him and did not force him to take immediate actions. But I was clear I need to know soon what he wants to do with me.
I told him to see me the same way he sees his daughter or granddaughter and how he worries about their relationships. He was very relieved when his daughter’s boyfriend recently proposed, even asking him first for permission. We were all very happy.
Last night he said nothing specific. He trid to blame me a bit for being so insecure and he presumed I am doing “all this” just because I am looking for an excuse to leave him.
This morning he left my place angry and not talking. He did not answer my call late today and just sent me a message he is not coming tonight. I know him very well already and I think he is done with me.
Now I feel guilty I started the conversation last night. I really feel I wasted my time and my feelings again…Is it so bad nowadays to expect your “long term date” to turn in long term commitment? Am I hurrying too much?
How soon is enough long to expect “commitment”?
What I can do with my life while I am “waiting”? I have that feeling that it's not my terrible marriage that killed my hope for real relationship, but these stupid relationships after that.
-Diana
My Response:
No, Diana, it is not “so strange” to want some security, to want to know that this man you’re giving up so much of your own life for in order to make it work with him, wants more with you than just to be his girlfriend forever.
I’m concerned about you, Diana. 20+ years in a relationship with a verbally abusive man. And then a 6 ½ year relationship with a man who you felt guilty just for wanting a commitment from him, who you were driving 120 miles just to spend time with him. Now you have a man who gets angry with you for bringing up the subject of commitment with him. You feel like you are “just a girlfriend”.
There’s a pattern woven into all these relationships you’re describing here, of you having to acquiesce to their terms in order to make this work for them.
What if you drew your own boundaries around your own terms? What if keeping a garden – and having time to tend to it - is one of the pleasures you find in your own life? What if not being at a man’s beck and call is what you really need?
If you’re not already exhausted with living like this, Diana, I can’t imagine you not becoming so in the very near future.
What you’re describing is exhausting. He’s retired. You’re working two jobs. You obviously also take some pleasure in keeping up your own house, in having your own place. And yet your non-working hours seem to be all taken up with him.
My question for you, Diana, is how much of that is truly your choice? Or how much is it because you're afraid of losing him, afraid that rocking the boat by inserting some of your own very real needs and desires into this relationship is going to lead to him ultimately saying he’s done with you?
There’s so much imbalance here that I can see from reading this, and I’m concerned it’s because you’ve given all your power away to him.
What I want you to clear on, is what you’re choosing here.
If being with him and getting whatever of the good things you get from him is worth what you’re not getting from him in return – like the security of knowing where you stand, not because you have to ask, but because he shows you and tells you with his actions – then you understand what you’re choosing.
The fact that you’ve mentioned guilt a couple of times, the fact that you have a tendency to feel guilty at the mere mention of the subject of commitment, gives me reason to believe that you may be attracting a type of man who is prone to exploiting this in you.
As in a man who lives his life on his terms, and you and anyone else who might want to be a part of that needs to accept him on his terms, not ask for anything more than what he’s showing you he’s capable of giving you, and be grateful that he’s chosen you at all!
I’m just not sensing any semblance of your own power here, Diana.
And I’m struggling to put together the softness of a woman who loves her plants (that she can’t find the time to water anymore), who, in a different time and place, chose to take the time and energy to cultivate and tend to a garden she loved, with a man who seems to care little about that side of her.
No, you’re not asking for too much.
No you’re not hurrying too much.
Not for someone who understands you and where you’re coming from and respects and honors you as much as you do him.
If you can’t talk to him about something that means so much to you – a real, true, commitment – without fear of him pulling away or disappearing, you’ve got more to be concerned about than commitment, Diana.
That’s what I’m sensing here. I hope I’m wrong, but I have a feeling I’m not.
Focus on you, focus on what you need, focus on what you deserve. Don’t wait for him.
Go back to your garden. Make time for you, for your plans, for the things that matter to you. Then and only then are you going to be able to see him with clear eyes so you can decide if he’s really worth it to you!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
How about you, gorgeous? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for beautiful Diana? Share them with us below in the comments!
I LOVE the pink boxes. Jane is a bad ass. Thank you all for keeping it real.
Hi Diana I would love for you to listen to
that beautiful song Games that lovers play. By Ken Lazarus. some time we have to love a guy from a distance until we get over all the feeling that is holding us back from moving on just take it slow stop spending so much time with him and start loving your self more he is living his life that is pleasing for just him. what about you stop playing the role of a wife and you will find out how much he care about you some guys just don't know how to respect a woman worth. They don't like nice woman some guy like ladies that they have to chase that is when you let them go and after lessons learned they might return if it meant to be it will age is just a number someone is out there just for you to share all the love that is in your heart if he don't want to give you his all.
Hi Ladies
I just want to encourage all of us to look out for what we want in a relationship
Diana- please ditch this no commitment guy. I was in a relationship on and off for years with a man I loved and honestly still love very much. Yes he has said umpteen times he is not marrying anyone. I did not live with him. Truly when I broke up with him after the initial tears and sadness I was happier. Why?
I was getting more rest not doing the running between two homes. Not waking up twice or having irregular sleep times depending on where I was. With you working two jobs. Trust me your body is going to thank you for a little more sleep you will feel better and less cranky and you can have days for you only . Until you find someone to share your spare time with when you want to not at his beck and call.
Also how true my own place was neglected . His house was in order mine was chaos . I was not even taking time to properly take care of my own grooming because he liked being with me when he wasn't at work or if I wasnt at work
It was hard for me to let go because he was very good and very kind to me ( not perfect). But kind. I realized I was getting more and more resentful because I wanted marriage. Also he wanted to move to another part of the country eventually near his family and why would I want to go there without the honour of being a wife.
Life is a trade off. We give our time at work to get money to live. We make a commitment to a relationship because it signalslove and security and building a life together. To me not wanting to commit means you are not all in you are leaving a get out of jail (lol) card
We went out for dinner recently and it reinforced I made the correct decision in ending our romantic relationship. He said he could easily go on for years happily meeting someone a couple times a week.
I know how Diana feels every couple weeks you get angry because you love the man you want to spend the rest of your life with him and he is essentially holding back a part of himself from you. It become a cycle and you get upset he knows you are upset and the unhappiness starts again,
It is hard but remember you were looking for a relationship when you found him - it can happen again. He is not the last man on earth. Even if he were you deserve better terms than that
Take care
Alia
I did this Diana for 3 and a half years finally did what u did & left. Guess what?... he didn't come after me so there was my answer & I am relieved I didn't waste another year for something that obviously was not going to happen. Was it hard....most definitely but we are a lot stronger than we think. I stood strong & found myself again & the passion in things I love like yoga, journaling my personal goals, turning my condo into the "home" I want it to be, spending time just hanging out with my kids & found a new career.....it can be done....we can let go of these dead end relationships & be there for ourselves! And then when we are ready the Universe will introduce us to "Mr Wonderful".....after we love ourselves first. I hope you follow my advice & do just that! You won't regret it! xo
Hi Diana. I think you can use some time for yourself. Don't try too hard to make it work, just do the things that you love. It is not selfish. Do you want to see someone being selfish? Just look at that man. He wants everything to be on his terms and he probably see how tired you are and he is ok with it. You know you can't go on living such an exhausting life. It is not sustainable.
Nobody has right to call you insecure for wanting a real commitment. I don't understand this but i see lots of men saying that. You are insecure if you want a commited relationship and you speak your truth but if you put up with someone long enough and be the ''cool girl'' that will make you so confident! Really? It is a red flag Diana. You can set your own terms and you have every right to do that. He might accuse you for being insecure or he can use other words just to let himself off the hook. Don't listen to him if he does that and move on. You are not rushing things Diana. Look how many years you have lost waiting for the men in your life to change. Does it seem like rushing to you? It seems like you stayed with them for so long instead.
A question comes to mind as I think about what you wrote, Diana.
I found that man's anger and cold silence to be startling and to be a major red flag. Nothing that you wrote up to that point would lead me to expect that behavior from him when you asked for a commitment after a year.
Is that the first time you have experienced anger and coldness from him?
Your story has reminded me of the man I married out of desperation and low self-esteem when I was 26 years old and stayed with for 9 years (3 years of living together) because of that same desperation and low self-esteem that did not change after we married.
In the time we lived together and during that marriage, I found myself doing all the work that he didn't want to do. Early on, he told me once that he never did anything that he didn't want to do. Now I know that I could have taken him at his word and gone on with life so much earlier than I did.
As a result of being unable to feel or express anger in a healthy way in that marriage, I became so depressed that I wished I would die.
Although he was not physically abusive and never raised his voice at me, he would express anger with cold silence if there was something he wanted me to do that I would not do. Looking back, I see that I had a tiny bit of self-esteem in those moments. One moment that comes to mind was when he wanted me to take time away from my college classes and take a trip with him to visit his family. I knew that if I did that, I would not be able to catch up with my classwork. I had dropped out of college to be in my first serious relationship and at age 30, had gone back to college (my father paid my tuition) to finish my degree in English Literature and Art. Going back to college did wonders for my self-esteem. Going to a community college to learn something that would lead to employment (after getting my degree in what I loved!), increased my self-esteem to the point that I knew I was ready to leave the marriage and support myself.
It is so clear in my mind how cold and angry my former husband became when he could not control me, when things did not go the way he wanted them to go.
It is also clear in my mind that it was progress for ME to learn to be angry in a constructive way. What Angel wrote about the positive energy connected with anger is part of my experience:
"What has helped me make that decision and stick to it is getting in touch with my anger. Pure, unadulterated anger. I start holding onto injustices/hurts/imbalances more than any good things the situationship may have given me. I over focus on those and use my anger to close the door and keep moving forward. It's like it energizes me. When I am fairly well into the no contact phase, maybe 6 months away from this person, I unpack my anger. I start processing it, cry if I need to, but start looking at my responsibility in the mess with eyes set on understanding and improvement, not on judgement nor thinking about what he did or didn't do. I write, I reflect and work on letting the anger go. Based on our experiences, things will take longer to process or not. We just need to go at our own pace and remember that we will be fine with or without any man."
There is so much wisdom and experience being shared in this community of women.
We don't have to be in stupid relationships anymore!
Good relationships are possible. I know that with all my heart.
Kind wishes,
Ella
Hi, I can relate to this. I left my alcoholic husband after 10 years of trying to help him while taking care of our 2 daughters. ThenI met this wonderful man, peaceful, stable who owned his own house and had a grown kid of his own. He also introduced me to his family and invited me to his gathering and family events, but after the first year also began to worry about our status.
Still, I decided to give him time. After out second year I finally had the courage to bring up the subject. I was tired of driving back and forth between his place and mine, I have kids to take care of and I started to feel like we only saw each other when it was convenient for him. Turns out he was not sure if he wanted to get married, not now not later. How can I live with that uncertainty? Makes me think that I'm not the one he wanted . I called it off and did not hear back from him. I was devastated, but am glad to read these blogs. Now I know that I'm not alone and I don't need to settle for any less. Hang in there, be strong and love yourself first.
Diana
Went into no time frame dating.
He is getting everything he wants!!!
He is getting all the benefits of a part-time wifey
Stop being Ms Nice ... All the time.
Call him out
He will fly away for a bit and survey the scene
The fact he is angry is good
Let him be Mardy .... So what
Do not contact him
Ignore first three attempts to contact you
If he is a decent chap and is scared of loosing you .. He will be back
Give him the gift of missing you
You lovely lady
Don't get sucked back into the same scenario with him
Let him sqwark around for a bit
It's a ring and a wedding date
Because believe me there are lots of men out there who will value and adore you whatever your age.
In the words of Beyoncé
If you liked it ... Then you should have put a ring on it!.... Ok
Big hugs xx
"I know he had a very bad divorce, I know he still has problems with his ex wife, I know he is scared and has his own insecurities'.....this right here seems like you are being too understanding of this guy Diana, you`ve also been through divorce and some bad relationships yourself however that didn`t stop you from being this loving and caring woman that you are. The fact that you mentioned on your letter that "So far so good, but I need to take care of my house. I need to do laundry and take care of myself" goes to show that you are not fully happy and free in this relationship. There is no issue in being hopeful and in love Diana but be careful to not lose yourself in the process.
He sounds like a great guy, however it doesn`t seem like he is ready to commit, I hate the fact that he stormed out and there mere mentioning of the word commitment and goes and not communicate like he always does that is in itself is a huge red flag...I would give him some space and like Jane said see what he does with it, and no matter what happens please do not back down from what you want...you sound like a really nice woman so full of understanding never let anyone take advantage of that, and never change who you are to suit someone else. Take care of your garden, your house and most importantly take care of your beautiful self, you might be in your late 50s but you sound very young at heart and I have a feeling that you look great too, I love the fact that you still have energy to work 2 jobs something that people half your age cannot do that is an inspiration...keep on rocking and being the strong woman that you are .
PS....take the same energy and time that you give to this man and direct it back to you...you will be amazed of the results.....all the best!!
Hi
I know exactly what you are feeling. I am 51, 52 in January and I have been with my partner/boyfriend for 4 years. I was married for 5 years, before that my husband and I dated for 6 years before we tied the knot. He mentally abused me and cheated on me with a much younger woman, which left me extremely insecure in every relationship since then. I have little or no self-esteem and my partner I am with now isn't the type of man you tells you you look gorgeous etc so I never feel good enough for anyone, and being older than him I constantly feel he will leave me for a younger woman and I'm always watching who he is watching or talking to, I think are they better looking than me & always think yes they are. I am paranoid about who he is texting or WhatsApp or Facebook. His ex fiance was 10 years his junior.
He is 47 and has never been married. He has had many girlfriends, but only 1 was long term for 7 years. He was engaged to her but according to him this was just a commitment thing but he was never going to get married and doesn't even believe in marriage. I don't actually know why they split up but my guess is the same reason why I get frustrated, I feel he has "commitment issues" I have battled most of the 4 years with him regarding this. He always turns it around that the problem is my insecurities! I did give him a few ultimatums 1st one a few years back, saying I couldn't do it anymore, living in my house and staying in his 1 night a week and at weekends. He then upped it to me staying weekends and 1 night a week, which went up to 2 nights a week and weekends. This was fine for a while but it became an issue for me again because I felt well if you love me you should want me full time "living together. This created resentment in my part and I was miserable. Eventually, he let me move in, this was good for a few months but we had problems which again, it was his house and I felt he was still living and feeling like he was still a bachelor in "his" house so he'd say "my" all the time instead of "ours, us" this upset me. We ended up almost splitting up over this. He told me that I need to move out. I thought it was over, but he then said we just can't live together. I told him that I didn't think it could work like this, not for me running from one house to another every week. To cut a long story short, we went back to weekends only, as he put it we need to try and salvage what we have this way, his way or we go our separate ways. I agreed to try it. It was so so hard, I cried all the time, I felt rejected in some ways. Why can this man not give me a proper commitment then I wouldn't feel so insecure and not resent him all the time. I eventually started staying 4 days a week, then 5, then last in January, we had a huge fight, I said that I was leaving this time that was it, I can't go on like this. I left even though he didn't want me to but said I don't know what to say, I can't tell you yes move in again permanently because it didn't work last time, how can it work this time.
I broke my heart, I went home to my house where my 24-year-old lives daughter and left him to it. We did text and I did kind of talk to him saying things to make him think we should still be together planted a few seeds in his head to be honest because I was so upset and probably desperate due to my age. About 5 days later he texted me one night saying "I miss you" we got talking he said we will work it out. I moved in permanently, it has not been easy we have almost split again but we are still working at it, but to be honest, most of it is always on his terms. He still doesn't want to ever get married and it breaks my heart. I often think well, if I leave again I may never meet anyone who wants to get married commit so think better the devil you know, he does love you.
I go along for weeks months on end then I get annoyed again and long for the proper commitment. Living in his house is also a problem still as it is his, not ours. I am not in a position to sell mine as my daughter lives in it still. We have talked about houses but as he says I am in no position to buy one with him and to be honest I don't think he really wants to anyway. I think he always has in the back of his head this might not work out. He told me about 2 months ago he wasn't in love with me anymore because we have been up and down, then a month after that we were out one night and he said I am I just see red when we are not getting on. He says we are okay for 3 or 4 weeks then something triggers it and we are back to square one. I know I put up with things because I love him so much and I do know at times my insecurities make problems, but I do know in my heart it is not all my fault. We have been good now for a number of weeks and have booked a 2 week holiday in November, I just hope we get on.
We have both been through problems, his dad died 4 years ago, my step mum in January and then he was diagnosed with Lymphoma last November, but is now in remission. From day one we have had hurdles which haven't helped us. His ex of 7 years died also 2 years ago though they had been split up for over 10 years I think.
I feel in the same predicament as you want the commitment and marriage with someone who will probably never give me that. I guess I keep hoping somewhere along the lines he will change his mind. As same time I have always in the back of my mind, maybe it is because he doesn't love me enough or is this just him. He has always maintained he doesn't need a marriage certificate to love someone!! His mum and dad had a good marriage so that isn't a reason. Goodness knows what makes these men think how they did.
I would be interested in what anyone has to say to also advise me on how we turn these men of ours around. We can't help who we love and it is so hard to let go. What you are letting go off might be better having than what you might end up not having if you know what I mean.
Hope to hear some comments from any of you soon on what to do.
Alison xx
"What you are letting go off might be better having than what you might end up not having if you know what I mean" oh Alison reading this last statement has just brought tears to my eyes because I just realized that I`ve had the same mentality before and I would put up with a lot of nonsense from these men just for the sake of "half a loaf is better than nothing" up until I realized that I was settling, I`m 33 years old at the moment and maybe to make you feel better I must tell you that I/we women of my age also go through the same predicament that you our seniors go through, it`s never about age, we also feel insecure that the guys we are dating might leave us for someone better, I once dated a guy who after buying a BMW would tell me that he can get any woman that he wants because of the kind of a car that he drives, he would make funny comments about me and tell me that I like blowing things out of proportion whenever I would complain about things, I used to spend so much time with him and he would sometimes demand that I cook for him because "I`m a woman" and if I want him to marry me one day I must show him that I am capable of being the wife, he would say things like a woman who doesn`t carry tissue in her handbag is not a woman enough and at the time I never carried one, I realized later on in the relationship that this man was emotionally abusing me....and eventually I found the strength to walk away, that was in 2014.. sorry to dwell much about me I`m just trying to show you that we have all been in this kind of situation no matter how old, I also get a little insecure when I look at the fact that all my friends are either married or in serious relationships but I always find peace in knowing that our times are different. it will happen one day just not right now.
I`m gonna have to be blunt with you, this relationship is toxic, if this man had guts to tell you that he doesn`t or is not in love with you says a lot about him, he is narcissist, and unfortunately he knows that no matter what he does and no matter how many hurtful things he say you will keep on running back to him...my suggestion to you would be for you to move back to your house.....spend time with yourself, your daughter, your loved ones, show this man that your world doesn`t revolve around him, and NO time is running out for you, we all deserve to be in happy and fulfilling relationships no matter the age. This man is going to crush your self esteem up until you are left with nothing, he doesn`t deserve your good heart.
Another thing you mention here that you have a lot of insecurities, maybe it`s time you work on that, see a therapist, talk to someone. and you cannot do any of this if you still live in this man`s house, I know it`s easier said than done but it has to be done. you need to work on your self. you are such a great woman to put up with this. just ask yourself one thing....what would you say to your daughter if she was dating someone like this guy? and take that answer and direct it to you.
I wish you all the best...please never settle for anything less than what you deserve.
Don't ever make someone a priority who is only treating you like an option. Invest the same energy in him that he is investing in you.
Don't look for yourself in him. And never lose yourself in someone else. It was your independence that attracted him.
I went through this for years...he never came around. Now he regrets it. I moved on and am happy with someone else who is in a better place and really wants a commitment. They are out there!
We attract who we are... not what we want. So invest in yourself...and your plants! Your relationship is also like a plant that requires nurturing... he's not doing it...
How do you let go?
You just do. You make the decision and stick to it. What has helped me make that decision and stick to it is getting in touch with my anger. Pure, unadulterated anger. I start holding onto injustices/hurts/imbalances more than any good things the situationship may have given me. I over focus on those and use my anger to close the door and keep moving forward. It's like it energizes me. When I am fairly well into the no contact phase, maybe 6 months away from this person, I unpack my anger. I start processing it, cry if I need to, but start looking at my responsibility in the mess with eyes set on understanding and improvement, not on judgement nor thinking about what he did or didn't do. I write, I reflect and work on letting the anger go. Based on our experiences, things will take longer to process or not. We just need to go at our own pace and remember that we will be fine with or without any man.
Thank you so much, Angel, for articulating these ideas about the power of healthy anger and about the healing power of grief when the time is right. For so long, I was not in touch with my anger. The only ongoing outlet I had for anger was depression. To this day, people say to me, "I can't imagine that you get angry." I still have some work to do around expressing anger, although the fact that I have not been suicidally depressed for years is progress! I can feel sadness and anger now. Expressing those feelings to others is something I am making progress with. As you wrote, we just need to go at our own pace.
I hear you, Ella. And I am glad you are still here sharing with us. I wasn't in touch with my anger either. I was moody, but never truly angry. The first time I got in touch with it was through a shadow work workshop and it scared the living heck out of me. It had been suppressed since childhood because I wasn't allowed to feel growing up. Abuse does that to you. It came out of nowhere, the workshop, in a controlled environment recreated a situation that cornered me till I bursted. It was soooo much release, but I was scared to see how much anger I had building up there. Learning to feel anger and channeling it effectively is also a process, but it's worthwhile. Anger can propel us forward.
"There’s a pattern woven into all these relationships you’re describing here, of you having to acquiesce to their terms in order to make this work for them." This paragraph summed up my thoughts upon finishing reading your letter, Diana. I see a caring, lovely lady who is placing too much of her worth on commitment from men who are rather dismissive and even abusive of her needs. They don't sound like partners to me. Why would you even want to marry someone like this? Guilt tripping you? Really? They have no self-awareness, no emotional intelligence so they blame their own shortcomings on you. No. No. No. No. Don't continue to put up with this Diana. Relationships take some effort, but they are not so freaking much work. These are one-sided. You have every right to be done with this. It is exhausting. Just reading your letter made me feel your own exhaustion. You matter, Diana. I would suggest you wonder and journal about the guilt you feel every time you ask for what you need. What is it about? Don't hesitate to ask for help from a therapist so you can sort yourself out much better. Nourishing yourself is always top priority and even more so after so much abuse. Don't underestimate how big a toll that takes on a person.
Please take care of yourself and do not contact this man again. Begin there. Let go and see what effort he makes. I am guessing he'll make none. At least not substantially because the dynamic of you doing everything has been set and he expects being catered to without consideration and care for you. Not a good deal.
Big hug and good luck. Please take care of yourself.
Angel, your comments are always so productive and heartfelt. Your words remind me of a poem which has helped me;
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth…
And you learn and learn…
With every good-bye you learn.
Jorge Luis Borges
Thank you, Julie-Ann. Hard learned lessons for me. Still learning though. I love that poem. There's too much truth in it. Taking those words to heart has become my lifetime project. And learning that I am enough. Even if I never find love. I am enough.
Hello
I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I've been here so many times where I've wanted him to want me so badly that I have merged with him. You sound like a sensitive yet strong woman., please trust your inner instincts and sensitivity. Sometimes we want something that doesn't fit so we try and shave the sides off ourselves just so we can fit.
I read somewhere that all roads lead home. We all have to come home to ourselves , and sometimes the road home can be through a relationship that doesn't meet your needs.
I'm not preaching at you... I hope you don't feel I am. I am in a similar situation with a man .. my ex .. who I gave myself away to, I neglected my own heart to the point where I couldn't sleep, pacing all night, migraines , throwing up... all because of anxiety over where we were going . he then broke things off with me. He's still in my life , he knows I want him back, I pine after him. He knows this ... I'm still in the process of detaching myself it's not easy
I hope you find the strength to put your heart and needs first and Trust that you deserve the love that you want .
Much love
Xxx