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Archives for July 2014

Why What's Familiar is Actually Keeping You Stuck

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stuck-in-the-familiarInspiration often comes to us in the least expected ways.

Just the other day I received one of those funny emails that get sent around from my sister, this one about what the small town (or at least what used to be a small town) where I spent most of my childhood in Canada is known for. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's reputation is not nearly as idyllic as my memories of it are.

Anyone who knows me well understands just how idealistic I can be, a trait that has undoubtedly contributed in a huge way to the dating patterns I had in my former single life.

So the fact that I'm always trying to convince my husband that moving back to this beautiful little place where I grew up, complete with all of the wonderful memories it holds for me, is the absolute best thing for our whole family shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

He's never quite convinced because as great of a place it sounds like when I describe it, he too knows this idealistic side of me well and often reminds me that I have this pattern of seeing only the potential of a place, instead of the reality of what is.

Sound familiar? It is.

Just back then, like so many of us, I was always falling in love with his potential.

So as I was reading the email, I was able to gently laugh at myself. The description of this little place I grew up in was not anything like my wonderful memories, but when it was laid out in front of me – however exaggerated it was for its purpose – I couldn't deny that there was quite a bit of truth to it.

I just saw it in a whole different light when I was relying on my  memories about it, and the feelings and emotions that went with those memories. Memories that belong to a different time and place, and a different person that I was back then.

And as I was contemplating all this – and hoping my husband hadn't seen the email lest it fly in the face of my pro stance towards our big "someday" move back there – I realized just how much we all do this. And how it affects so much of what we see and what we think about, and what we don't see and don't think about.

We idealize what's comfortable.

What we call love is often the last thing that love really is. If it's comfortable - familiar- we become incapable of seeing it for what it really is. We can't see the way we're really being treated – that's it's anything but love, the way it's triggering us to fall back on our old familiar patters – that these patterns are anything but loving to our beautiful selves. So instead we stay and try and stay some more  and try some more, doing the same things over and over and accepting the same treatment all because it's all too familiar.

It's why we keep falling for what we think is our type. It's why we put so much stock in that oh so elusive spark.

It feels loving to us, because it's what we're used to getting. It feels like the real thing, because it puts us back in that same familiar, comfortable position. It doesn't matter if we're on the begging end, doing all the chasing, doing all the work, putting our needs last if it's familiar. We feel safe with familiar. We feel comfortable with the same familiar surroundings. We don't know any better and we don't know any different.

But the funny thing about that kind of comfort level is that it keeps us staying right where we are. It keeps us settling for nothing more than we've been getting.

It takes courage to break out of the familiar. It takes a willingness to feel that inner cringe of coming out of our comfort zones to see the reality of what is from the fantasy that we so want it to be.

I get this! I did it, too.

And, as you can see, I'm still falling into the same trap in other areas of my life. But if you're willing to question your reality, if you're willing to question where it all comes from and what it all says, and what it really means to you, you can find that courage within yourself to see the kind of reality we're talking about here.

The kind of reality that releases you from these patterns that seem so strong, so hard to break.

The kind of questioning that frees you from those rose-colored glasses that keep you from letting go of what isn't serving you anymore and are only keeping you from what you're really looking for in the long run.

I never said it was easy. In fact, I'm a great example of just how hard it can be!

But it can happen, and it will happen if you start right where you are with open eyes and an open mind willing to see the forest from the trees. Willing to run the risk of being wrong about the ideals you've been clinging to that have only been hurting you and keeping you from having and living the most amazing life that's possible for all of us.

It's time to change this.

It's time to wake up and see what's really there. It's time to call it what it is and stop trying to squeeze water from stones. It's time to stop seeing anything but the reality of what is.

Your idealism is a beautiful thing, but use it for the things that won't take advantage of it and hurt you with it like you're hurting right now. You won't see it, you can't see it, until you choose to.

How about you - what traps do you find yourself falling into over and over again? Tell us in the comments!

Moving On After a Breakup

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A beautiful woman sits on a park bench thinking about moving on after a breakupOur dear friend K has never felt more conflicted, and is having trouble moving on after a breakup.

Her story:

Hi Jane,

I first stumbled across your blog a couple of months ago after I decided that I needed to have a heart to heart with my boyfriend. At the time, I was really struck by your gentle but steady way of giving advice - it's obvious that you've been where so many of us have been before, and where I am now.

I spoke to my boyfriend then about what I wanted in our relationship - feeling like I was being prioritized in his life at least some of the time, feeling appreciated and loved, needing to know that he cared about me enough to consider what I had to say about us.

All of these things had felt lacking at some point in the last few months of the relationship, and I told him then that if he couldn't do those things for me, we shouldn't be together, that maybe we just wanted different things in our relationships.

Initially, I thought that he really listened to what I had to say. He was more attentive, more loving, more present with me when we spent time together. Sometimes, it felt like the lovely beginning of our relationship all over again.

Fast forward two months, and he's decided to end it with me. He said he's never been so in love, and that he's not even sure that this is the right decision, but that he doesn't know if he is capable of being the kind of boyfriend I deserve.

Jane, I've read many of your articles, and on the one hand, I know that I should recognize that this is him telling me what he can and can't do and that I should be grateful for his honesty. I know I should use this information to move on.

But it's just so hard to let go!

I've never felt more conflicted about a breakup - I really thought that we could be in it for the long haul. The beginning of our relationship was wonderful, truly.

Although I know that I am using the beginning of the relationship as a kind of benchmark for how wonderful things could be with us - if only he would change, if only he would show up for me the way I want him to, if only he could see the potential that I see - I know that this optimism is only in my mind, not his.

I guess I don't know how to let go.

I love this man completely, even though he's sometimes treated me in a way I don't deserve. We weren't perfect together, but many of the memories I'll take with me are beautiful and full of love.

I want to believe he'll miss me in his life now that I've cut off contact but... part of me knows I'll probably never hear from him again, and that if I do, it may be like we're strangers again.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

- K

My response:

Dear K,

Thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad you’re finding a voice that resonates with you here.

And you're exactly right - I have been exactly where you are before and it’s why I understand so well not just the words, but the emotions of what we go through along the way.

It’s why I know there is nothing that keeps us holding on tighter to what if and if only than the strength of the fantasy of our hopes and dreams becoming a reality.  Your words echo what so many of us have thought in our own similar situations: “if only he would change, if only he would show up for me the way I want him to, if only he could see the potential that I see - I know that this optimism is only in my mind, not his.”

What you've captured here is exactly that – this is about you.

It's not about him.

You did the talking. He did the listening. He heard what you wanted him to hear.

He did listen to what you say, he did try to be what you wanted him to be – what you wanted the two of you to be. But he found out what he was and wasn't capable of.

He did what he needed to do, based on what he knew he was capable of.

And you found out what you couldn't live with: more of the same.

And so the story of your relationship ended in the only way that it’s meant to: with two people realizing they aren't on the same page and cannot give the other what they really need. They say goodbye, they thank each other for the experience of loving and living and learning together, and they let go and move on to live their own lives and find someone who is on their respective pages. This is how it happens in the logical, practical reality of our minds.

And yet it’s never how it feels when you’re going through it.

Instead it’s about the feelings of a lack of worth and the loss of a dream. It’s about the fairy tale that somehow forgot the happy ending. It’s about the love story in our minds that came crashing down around us in the world of reality.  It’s about how close we were to finally having someone to save us from ourselves and give us a reason to live.

Even when it doesn't go that deep, it goes deeper than the reality of true compatibility.

What to do with yourself, K, is to start by wrapping your arms around yourself and holding you through your tears.

You feel what you feel and experience the emotions you experience and no matter how logical an explanation anyone can give you, your feelings deserve to be acknowledged and validated. They need to be acknowledged and validated.

But there’s so much more to do.

You let go by holding on to you. Your life, the people in it that love and adore you, the places that feel like home. The activities that bring you joy. The things you’re passionate about that remind you of who you are and what you have to offer  regardless of what someone else can or can’t give you.

Write him a letter, K.

This is for you, so you’re not going to send it, but what you're going to do is write out everything you want to say to him about what you feel in your heart and soul.

And then write one to yourself. Put down the words you want to say to yourself about what happened, about what you wanted to have happen, about why this hurts so much.

Give him back what is his. And take only what is yours. Those parts of you that wanted so much more that you left with him. They’re yours. They're not his.

Letting go is never easy. Moving on after a breakup is never easy.

It’s never easy to let go of what might have been but it’s the only way we get to catch a glimpse of all that is waiting for you today and tomorrow.

It's the only way, K. And you can do it. You can do this. Not for me or anyone else, but for you.

And remember, I’m with you all the way.

Love,

Jane

How Will I Know?

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A beautiful woman is wondering how will I knowIsn't that what we all really want?

To know if he’s the one - or not.

To know if he’s worth spending your time and energy on, or if he’s just going to be a waste of time. It’s that magic answer that seems so elusive.

How will I know?

We want that crystal ball. We want to know!

And underneath it all lies that all too familiar fear.

What if we’re wrong?

What if he is the one and we didn't hang on long enough to find out?

What if he’s not and we keep hanging onto someone while we’re missing the one who’s right for us in the meantime?

The fact of the matter is that there’s no absolute way to know for sure. That’s part of life.

Like anything, we take a chance on what we have and we take a chance on what we don’t. But the bigger point to this is knowing what chances are worth taking.

Just like any decision you make, it’s so important that you first know yourself what you’re really looking for and what you’re not. What qualities matter the most to you? What type of relationship are you looking for? Does he have those qualities? Is he looking for the same level of commitment as you?

There are no guarantees in love any more than there are any guarantees in life. But what is guaranteed, is that you can’t control anyone outside of yourself. You can’t make him love you, you can’t make him want to be with you, you can’t make him want to commit to you unless he decides to on his own and of his own accord. He has to want to.

If you’re questioning where he’s at, there’s a reason. There’s always a reason. When things are flowing along naturally these questions don’t just come up.

When you find yourself wondering where things stand, when you’re spending more time on the internet or in self-help books looking for your answers than getting them directly from the source, there’s a reason.

It’s either about you or about him

But one of you is giving you reason to question what’s going on between the two of you. And while it may be your own insecurities, your own past track record when it comes to relationships, chances are there’s something triggering them that’s bringing out your insecurities in the first place.

Because when you’re with someone who’s right for you, who’s truly compatible with you, it flows. You talk, you communicate naturally without feeling like you’re having the big "commitment conversation".

You’ll have that kind of conversation without it being such a deal breaker. It will seem like the next step in your relationship and won’t need any detailed explanation.

It’s no coincidence that you don’t come right out and ask him where you stand or that you’re asking everyone else what they think except him. It’s because you don’t really want to hear his answer. Deep down, if you go there, the reality is you think you already know.

You don’t want it to be what it is, and you’re hoping you've just missed something along the way.

You want everyone else to be wrong, and you want to somehow be that rare exception to the rule that puts someone’s actions and words to a reality check and discovers he really is different.

I know what that feels like and how much you can hang onto that hope to the detriment of yourself for far too long.

But what else I've figured out is that if you’re forcing something, if you’re putting out your feelers and finding what you can’t deny any longer, it’s time to get back to what you’re looking for and whether this is someone who can really give you that.

This is where you come in.

Is it really worth being with someone who can’t give you what you’re looking for just to be with someone?

Is it really worth compromising what you’re looking for – whether that be a committed relationship, marriage, kids, etc. – if his terms don’t include those things?

Is anyone worth what you’re putting yourself through trying to live a life that someone else is content with while overlooking the life that you yourself are meant to live?

We’re not just talking about today, we’re talking about tomorrow and the next day and the next. Because every day you settle, every day you compromise, is that much more time invested in someone that becomes that much harder to let go of if you find it’s not going to change, that he’s not going to change.

Because it is an investment. It’s your time and your energy, but it’s also so much more than that. It’s your hopes, your dreams, your future, your life. It’s all those things that keep so many of us putting months and years more into than we’d ever have willingly signed up for in the beginning if we knew nothing was going to change.

It’s time to stop buying into the fairy tale. It’s time to stop making all these cultural media saturated messages our own that tell us we can melt the coldest heart if only we’re enough of a woman to do it.

It’s time to let go of what isn't working – for you.

It time to stop expecting something to change when it hasn't so far.

It’s time to start believing what he’s saying, to start seeing what his actions are showing us that we’re so quick to have an excuse for.

It’s not helping. In fact, it’s only hurting us in the end. By keeping us hanging on longer, by keeping us investing more time and energy – and hopes and dreams and plans. When I say this is no way to live, I mean this is no way for you – for any of us – to live!

Don’t rely on that 1% chance that he might change. That he might become ready to commit. That he might by some sort of a miracle become the guy you think he’s so close to becoming if only he wanted to see that kind of change through.

Do what's right for YOU, and you'll know soon enough if he falls into that 1% category.

Surviving a Breakup

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A beautiful woman is sad as she is surviving a breakup, and is laying her head on a pillow.Our beautiful reader, who has signed her name "Defeated", is desperately looking for advice on surviving a breakup. She has spent the last 5 and a half years with her boyfriend only to have him suddenly breakup with her and  move to another city.

Here's her story:

Hi,

I could do with some advice..

My boyfriend and I were together for 5 and a half years. We lived together for 5. We hardly ever argued and loved each other very very much.

It was a good relationship, we had no issues about control, trust, money. We integrated into each others families, our parents met. It was a serious relationship. We shared so many good times together and supported each other completely through both good and bad.

The problem we did have was that he couldn't commit further. I remember clearly a conversation we had about a year and a half into our relationship, I told him that this was it for me that I knew he was who I wanted to settle down with. That by the time I was 30 I wanted to be either married or engaged to him.

I told him my biggest fear was being single at 30 and having to start again.

Well fast forward a few years and out of the blue he breaks up with me. Ends a 5 and a half year long relationship in less than half an hour.

It was a month before my 30th birthday.

No arguments lead up to it or anything. He was still telling me he loved me and planning to take a trip abroad together right up until the morning when he just woke up, sat me down and said 'I can't do this anymore'.

Its now 2 months since that terrible morning and I can't move on.

He says that we need to cut all contact. He acts like he wants to block me out completely. He's even moved to a different city, 6 hours away. But..we are supposed to meet up in September to see if he's changed his mind.

He says that he doesn't know. That he doesn't think he will want to get back together and if he had to decide now he'd say he doesn't want to but that having time apart might change the way he feels and that- if I want to- I can give him time to see if it does and so that he can be 100% sure.

Of course I want him to be sure and of course I'm going to cling onto any minuscule of hope I can get. However unhealthy, painful and damaging it is for me. I love him and want it to work so have to give it every chance possible but its just so hard.

He says that its not fair on me if he asked me to wait but he's done it by saying 'if you want to wait till September you can'. Do you know what I mean?

I feel like I'm going crazy! How can I let him go yet wait for him to decide at the same time?! Its impossible. This means that I can't even grieve the relationship properly because it may not be over for good. I can't not wait for him to decide.

He says he knows its him who has the problems, that there's nothing he would change about me and nothing I've done wrong yet when I get angry at him and push him to better communicate what he feels he then starts saying its that we grew apart, that he really felt like he was very distant from me.

It hurts that he's able to not contact me when the longest I've been able to go without contacting him is 3 days.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

- Defeated

My response:

I so hear your pain, Defeated. It's never easy surviving a breakup like this. I feel the depth of your heartbreak.

When you say you’re willing to “cling onto any minuscule of hope I can get. However unhealthy, painful and damaging it is for me”, you can know that you've given your power away.

Of course it feels crazy.

Of course it’s hard to do this, because it’s not what we’re meant to do. It’s not what real love is about.  Love is never about making anyone commit to us, or love us, or give us what they don’t have to give.

It may have been that you turning 30 – and the terms you set for that “milestone” - was in the back of his mind as a milestone for him, too. He came to terms with where he was at and what he was able to give you, and recognized that he wasn't there on the same page as you.

And so you heard where he was at when he said “if you want to wait till September you can'.” He’s put the ball in your court letting you know where he stands, and leaving it up to you what you want to do with that.

Don’t wait for September, Defeated. You’re not defeated! You’re empowered! You set the terms of what you knew in your heart you were not willing to settle for and now you know what his terms are. This is huge! Now you know what page he’s on. Now you know what he can and can’t give you.  I know it may not feel that way right now, but knowledge is powerful!

I have a feeling you’re questioning yourself more than anything else. You’re not sure if you have a right to say what you need and refuse to settle for anything less than that. You’re afraid you made a mistake by setting your own boundaries and making them known to him.

Don’t second-guess yourself. We say what we do for a reason. We define what it is we’re looking for so we can find it. We remain true to ourselves so we can live with ourselves.

As hard as it is to accept this, the reality is that someone can only be the one who’s right for you if they want to be that one.

Don’t blame yourself, don’t look back with regrets at what you didn't do or didn't know or wish you’d done differently. Start right where you are right now with a huge dose of self-love for who you are and what you bring to the table. Nothing’s changed. You’re still the beautiful woman with so much to offer someone who’s looking for the long-term picture the way you are.

Don’t put your life on hold between now and September. Find it in you, D. Trust me, it's there.

The key to surviving a breakup like this is to start creating the life that you were made for. There’s a world out there for you to find and discover that will resonate with your heart and soul and the longing you have for someone to share your dreams and your life with you.

Surround yourself with the people who love and support you, discover the activities and hobbies and things that you’re passionate about and bring more of what you want into your life.

Do what makes you happy, what makes you feel alive and what shows you all the beautiful things about this life of yours.

This isn't about giving up on a dream; it’s finding out what the dream really was and if it was only your own.

I know the last thing you wanted to do was to start over. I know you feel you shouldn't have to. I know you’re angry that you’re in this position.

And underneath all those feelings is so much fear.

But you’re not alone and you’re going to get through this to the other side and discover the life that will make you happier than you ever could have been otherwise. With someone who’s on the same page and wants the same thing and doesn't have to be convinced of this by anyone outside of himself.

And most importantly, let go of the September timeline. It doesn't mean anything unless something changes on his end, and that can come at any time – or not. But don’t build your life around it. If he gets on your page, if he comes to where you are, you’ll absolutely be the first to know.

You’re the living, loving kind, not the waiting kind. And right now, you've got a life to live.

Love,

Jane

What do you think Defeated should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!

Old Habits Are Hard to Break

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Freeway exit sign showing exits for old life and new life, representing that old habits are hard to breakI may have figured out quite a bit when it comes to men, but I sometimes find that some of the same old habits that I had with dating crop up in my current life as well.

I've learned that the first step in changing habits that are just so hard to break is to recognize them. To become aware of it, to notice it casually, without giving it so much attention that allows it grows in power. To acknowledge it and let it pass without allowing it to get the best of you.

Now that I've been happily married for quite a while, and have my family with all of the chaos that comes with it, I find myself wondering if I've traded my old habit of trying to be the perfect girlfriend for trying to be the perfect wife and mother instead.

I find that I still feel like I'm supposed to defer to everyone else, to be unselfish and put others firsts, to pretend to not know something more than “they” know so that I won’t offend them.

But, just as I went through back in my dating years, I’m learning to recognize these feelings and question them. To ask myself the same questions I ask you to ask yourself when looking at the dating traps that you tend to fall into.

Is it really your own truth, your own belief? Or is it someone else’s opinion that became your truth? Is it your programming, your conditioning, your upbringing that's making you feel the way you feel? And more importantly, does it match the “you” you’re becoming? The you that’s learning how to tell the difference.

These are all the same questions I ask myself, just at a different stage in life and love. The growing doesn't stop.

I still tend to gravitate towards a certain type of person who I suddenly think is going to be my new best friend, just like I used to be drawn to a certain type of man who I was sure would be the one.  But I often find that these women are actually masking their own insecurities behind this outer facade of “I don’t care what anyone else thinks about me”.

I won’t see the mask at first; I’ll think it’s the real thing and that she's truly confident and has it all together - just like I want to be. I'll think she’s the perfect friend for me because of how she makes me feel. Just being around her will give me a sense of permission that I still find myself gravitating towards.

Until I start to get to know her better and see how little we actually have in common beyond this feeling of "Wow, she's so great". And then, once again, I see the truth that it really does take time to get to know someone well enough to be sure you want them in your life, to be sure that they're truly compatible with you.

The reality that in the end it simply takes time to find out if people are really what you think, or if it's just a mask. It’s the slow, steady relationships that develop naturally over time that prove to be the ones that are truly the one for me time and time again.

Not unlike the same lessons I discovered with love in a distant time and place that’s never seems as far away as the actual measurement of time.

It’s why we can all use this reminder no matter how much we think we know. It’s why I still refer often to the truths contained in the program I designed for you. The program is about dating and attracting love into your life, but I find that the core principles apply to so much of life besides romantic love.

And I find that I still need these reminders myself, too.

Blind spots. Triggers. MO's. Our Stuff. Whatever you choose to call them.

Don’t fight them. Accept them. They’re a part of you and sometimes nearly impossible to change.

So start by simply recognizing them. Acknowledge them, but don’t allow them to play a starring role in your story. They no longer need to.

Don’t beat yourself up about them. We’re not here to punish ourselves for being as human as we are. We’re here to love every part of ourselves as we are. Yes, there’s always room for improvement, but if all we ever do is concentrate on what’s wrong with us, we miss the whole point of this life.

To love, to be loved, and most of all, to love ourselves. It's what a life worth living is all about.

What about you? What are you fighting about yourself that it’s time to love about yourself instead? Share it with us in the comments!

 

How Can I Make Him Want to be With Me?

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A beautiful woman lies in bed, alone, wondering how can I make him want to be with me? Here's a letter from our reader, Ria, that really summarizes one of the questions we all seem to ask ourselves at one point or another (and some of us, myself included, too many times): How can I make him love me?

Her email:

We are almost going to breakup. How can I make him realize that I was the one he wants to be with and he loves? We've been together for 11 months.

My Response:

Dear Ria,

Yours is just one of hundreds of letters I receive from women asking essentially the same thing. While your words may be different, and your situations unique, what you are asking is really the same thing.

How can I make him see that I’m the one for him?

How can I convince him that he should want to be with me?

How can I prove to him that he should choose me?

We think it’s simply a matter of knowing the right words or actions – some elusive secret – to making him see what we know is best for the two of us, and suddenly everything will be so much better and we can move on to our happily ever after!

It’s what we've been brought up with – the fairy tale.

It’s what we've been told is how we prove our worthiness – by “getting” a man to fall madly in love with us. After all, isn't that our role as a woman? – we ask.

It’s what we've been trying to do ever since our first love didn't quite work out as planned - that first one with our father.

It’s what our culture, the media, the popular dating resources - and the people in our lives who keep asking us why we’re still single and why we can’t get a man? - are all expecting of us.

And yet this isn't the way love is. This isn't the way it happens. This has everything to do with control and manipulation and nothing to do with love in the truest sense of the word.

And so any formula, or secret, or rules of doing this and doing that to “make” someone love you and want to be with you, isn't going to bring you the kind of real love you’re looking for.

In fact, the opposite is true.

When we pretend to be something we’re not, when we follow a script instead of being ourselves, when we put all our time and energy into playing god and pretending that we know best for ourselves much less someone else, we take all the love out of something that we’re trying to put into it in the first place!

If someone is right for you, Ria, this is exactly how you’ll know. He’ll be on your page, he’ll want the same thing you want, he’ll be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You won’t be the only one who wants this to work; so will he! You can’t do this alone; it has to come from him as much as you.

This is how you know!

It’s his lack of commitment that tells you what page he’s on and that’s it’s not the one you’re on.

It’s his lack of commitment that shows you clearly that he can’t do this, that he’s not what you imagined him to be in your own mind, that spells it out so clearly that your best response is to stop hanging on so tightly to someone who can’t give you what you want from him.

It’s his lack of commitment that saves you from anymore heartbreak from any greater investment of your beautiful heart and soul than you already have in him.

It’s the only way so many of us will ever see this for ourselves; because it comes from him, not us. We can’t see it for ourselves, and yet it’s the universe, God or whatever we call it looking out for us and showing us something in the only way we’ll see in the only form we’ll believe.

He’s not the one for you!

I know you want to believe you know better. I know how much you believe he’s the one. But if he were, you wouldn't be asking these questions. You would simply know. Because if he were, he would be there. You wouldn't have to make him see. You wouldn't  have to make him be. He would see  - and be - all on his own. He would see of his own accord. He would choose to be with you because he would want to be with you!

All of this fighting and struggling and trying to control him and the situation? Don’t fight it. Accept it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain when you remember you don’t ever want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

And if he gets there? Don’t hold your breath; keep on living your own life and focusing on you and the ones who want to be with you. If he does, you’ll be the first to know.

Love,

Jane

 

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