You remember the good times all too well. You can recall every wonderful moment you spent together. You can recount each and every time he told you he loved you. You can recite every loving word he ever said to you.
Of course you can. That’s the type of beautiful and sensitive soul you are!
And so it should come as no surprise that now that you are no longer together, no matter how hard you try you still believe deep down inside that you would be better off still together. No matter what anyone says. No matter how much anyone tries to convince you otherwise.
You miss him.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re missing having someone to spend your Friday night with, or whether it’s because you hate being alone, the reality is that you’re struggling to remember why it wasn’t working, why you couldn’t make it work, and why it had to end.
If only I had done this differently, you lament. If only I hadn’t said what I did, you second guess. Whatever you think you could have done to save it, or keep him happy, or keep your mouth shut, you’re convinced you’ve lost the love of your life. If only you could just have somehow been that much stronger, that less needy, that much more confident, it would have made all the difference.
And so, with these wonderful memories of the two of you living happily together, you spend your time and energy beating yourself up like this over and over again.
Why do so many of us identify with this?
I get it, because it was always what I fell into, too, after yet another relationship ended too soon for me that had shown so much potential. I didn’t know how not to go there. I had no idea how to get over a break up.
But the only thing it does when you spend your time and energy filling your mind with those happy memories is keep you stuck. It zaps your energy. Steals your strength. Keeps you down. And leaves you with nothing left to give to the one person who knows the truth – you!
It’s time to stop this.
I know all too well what it does to our beautiful hearts and souls when we leave things with the promise to leave a candle burning in the window for him – whether we say this out loud or not. It’s time to wake up. It’s time to see the relationship in the light of what really was, not just this selective memory version of those happy memories together that leave out the whole rest of the story. The reality of how we really felt much of the time when we were with him, if we’re completely honest with ourselves and come out of our own deeply embedded state of denial.
Here’s how we finally move past these old scripts that only tell a small part of the story, and move on to the real story that is waiting for us to discover.
Here's how to get over a break up:
Remember all those times you were miserable.
Remember all those tears you shed.
Remember how alone you felt so much of the time - even though you were with him.
Remember all those conversations with your best friend lamenting how he was treating you or how he just wouldn’t commit.
Remember all the ways you weren’t on the same page, didn’t have the same priorities, and didn’t want the same things.
Remember the specific times, the individual instances where it was anything but good. The times you waited, the time you wasted, the moments of the relationship where you felt anything but happy.
Remember those and write it all down.
Write out the real story.
Write it all down and repeat to yourself enough times so that those are the thoughts you remember when you start to beat yourself up for not being enough for him! You know the truth. Your beautiful heart knows the story that you deserve, and both your heart and soul know that it wasn’t that.
If it was, it would have been. You would still be together. Because two people who are meant to be together always are; but only if they’re both on the same page and want the same thing and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That’s what real love is all about.
Yes, remember the good times too - there's no reason to bury those wonderful memories and you don't ever want your heart to get hardened. But this exercise will take the relationship out of the land of fairytales and into the land of reality. The reality that it just wasn't the right relationship for either of you.
And then allow yourself to be happy that you are now free to find real love with the guy that's right for you.
How about you? What do find is the best way to get over a break up? Tell us about it in the comments!