I may have figured out quite a bit when it comes to men, but I sometimes find that some of the same old habits that I had with dating crop up in my current life as well.
I've learned that the first step in changing habits that are just so hard to break is to recognize them. To become aware of it, to notice it casually, without giving it so much attention that allows it grows in power. To acknowledge it and let it pass without allowing it to get the best of you.
Now that I've been happily married for quite a while, and have my family with all of the chaos that comes with it, I find myself wondering if I've traded my old habit of trying to be the perfect girlfriend for trying to be the perfect wife and mother instead.
I find that I still feel like I'm supposed to defer to everyone else, to be unselfish and put others firsts, to pretend to not know something more than “they” know so that I won’t offend them.
But, just as I went through back in my dating years, I’m learning to recognize these feelings and question them. To ask myself the same questions I ask you to ask yourself when looking at the dating traps that you tend to fall into.
Is it really your own truth, your own belief? Or is it someone else’s opinion that became your truth? Is it your programming, your conditioning, your upbringing that's making you feel the way you feel? And more importantly, does it match the “you” you’re becoming? The you that’s learning how to tell the difference.
These are all the same questions I ask myself, just at a different stage in life and love. The growing doesn't stop.
I still tend to gravitate towards a certain type of person who I suddenly think is going to be my new best friend, just like I used to be drawn to a certain type of man who I was sure would be the one. But I often find that these women are actually masking their own insecurities behind this outer facade of “I don’t care what anyone else thinks about me”.
I won’t see the mask at first; I’ll think it’s the real thing and that she's truly confident and has it all together - just like I want to be. I'll think she’s the perfect friend for me because of how she makes me feel. Just being around her will give me a sense of permission that I still find myself gravitating towards.
Until I start to get to know her better and see how little we actually have in common beyond this feeling of "Wow, she's so great". And then, once again, I see the truth that it really does take time to get to know someone well enough to be sure you want them in your life, to be sure that they're truly compatible with you.
The reality that in the end it simply takes time to find out if people are really what you think, or if it's just a mask. It’s the slow, steady relationships that develop naturally over time that prove to be the ones that are truly the one for me time and time again.
Not unlike the same lessons I discovered with love in a distant time and place that’s never seems as far away as the actual measurement of time.
It’s why we can all use this reminder no matter how much we think we know. It’s why I still refer often to the truths contained in the program I designed for you. The program is about dating and attracting love into your life, but I find that the core principles apply to so much of life besides romantic love.
And I find that I still need these reminders myself, too.
Blind spots. Triggers. MO's. Our Stuff. Whatever you choose to call them.
Don’t fight them. Accept them. They’re a part of you and sometimes nearly impossible to change.
So start by simply recognizing them. Acknowledge them, but don’t allow them to play a starring role in your story. They no longer need to.
Don’t beat yourself up about them. We’re not here to punish ourselves for being as human as we are. We’re here to love every part of ourselves as we are. Yes, there’s always room for improvement, but if all we ever do is concentrate on what’s wrong with us, we miss the whole point of this life.
To love, to be loved, and most of all, to love ourselves. It's what a life worth living is all about.
What about you? What are you fighting about yourself that it’s time to love about yourself instead? Share it with us in the comments!