Isn't that what we all really want?
To know if he’s the one - or not.
To know if he’s worth spending your time and energy on, or if he’s just going to be a waste of time. It’s that magic answer that seems so elusive.
How will I know?
We want that crystal ball. We want to know!
And underneath it all lies that all too familiar fear.
What if we’re wrong?
What if he is the one and we didn't hang on long enough to find out?
What if he’s not and we keep hanging onto someone while we’re missing the one who’s right for us in the meantime?
The fact of the matter is that there’s no absolute way to know for sure. That’s part of life.
Like anything, we take a chance on what we have and we take a chance on what we don’t. But the bigger point to this is knowing what chances are worth taking.
Just like any decision you make, it’s so important that you first know yourself what you’re really looking for and what you’re not. What qualities matter the most to you? What type of relationship are you looking for? Does he have those qualities? Is he looking for the same level of commitment as you?
There are no guarantees in love any more than there are any guarantees in life. But what is guaranteed, is that you can’t control anyone outside of yourself. You can’t make him love you, you can’t make him want to be with you, you can’t make him want to commit to you unless he decides to on his own and of his own accord. He has to want to.
If you’re questioning where he’s at, there’s a reason. There’s always a reason. When things are flowing along naturally these questions don’t just come up.
When you find yourself wondering where things stand, when you’re spending more time on the internet or in self-help books looking for your answers than getting them directly from the source, there’s a reason.
It’s either about you or about him
But one of you is giving you reason to question what’s going on between the two of you. And while it may be your own insecurities, your own past track record when it comes to relationships, chances are there’s something triggering them that’s bringing out your insecurities in the first place.
Because when you’re with someone who’s right for you, who’s truly compatible with you, it flows. You talk, you communicate naturally without feeling like you’re having the big "commitment conversation".
You’ll have that kind of conversation without it being such a deal breaker. It will seem like the next step in your relationship and won’t need any detailed explanation.
It’s no coincidence that you don’t come right out and ask him where you stand or that you’re asking everyone else what they think except him. It’s because you don’t really want to hear his answer. Deep down, if you go there, the reality is you think you already know.
You don’t want it to be what it is, and you’re hoping you've just missed something along the way.
You want everyone else to be wrong, and you want to somehow be that rare exception to the rule that puts someone’s actions and words to a reality check and discovers he really is different.
I know what that feels like and how much you can hang onto that hope to the detriment of yourself for far too long.
But what else I've figured out is that if you’re forcing something, if you’re putting out your feelers and finding what you can’t deny any longer, it’s time to get back to what you’re looking for and whether this is someone who can really give you that.
This is where you come in.
Is it really worth being with someone who can’t give you what you’re looking for just to be with someone?
Is it really worth compromising what you’re looking for – whether that be a committed relationship, marriage, kids, etc. – if his terms don’t include those things?
Is anyone worth what you’re putting yourself through trying to live a life that someone else is content with while overlooking the life that you yourself are meant to live?
We’re not just talking about today, we’re talking about tomorrow and the next day and the next. Because every day you settle, every day you compromise, is that much more time invested in someone that becomes that much harder to let go of if you find it’s not going to change, that he’s not going to change.
Because it is an investment. It’s your time and your energy, but it’s also so much more than that. It’s your hopes, your dreams, your future, your life. It’s all those things that keep so many of us putting months and years more into than we’d ever have willingly signed up for in the beginning if we knew nothing was going to change.
It’s time to stop buying into the fairy tale. It’s time to stop making all these cultural media saturated messages our own that tell us we can melt the coldest heart if only we’re enough of a woman to do it.
It’s time to let go of what isn't working – for you.
It time to stop expecting something to change when it hasn't so far.
It’s time to start believing what he’s saying, to start seeing what his actions are showing us that we’re so quick to have an excuse for.
It’s not helping. In fact, it’s only hurting us in the end. By keeping us hanging on longer, by keeping us investing more time and energy – and hopes and dreams and plans. When I say this is no way to live, I mean this is no way for you – for any of us – to live!
Don’t rely on that 1% chance that he might change. That he might become ready to commit. That he might by some sort of a miracle become the guy you think he’s so close to becoming if only he wanted to see that kind of change through.
Do what's right for YOU, and you'll know soon enough if he falls into that 1% category.