Beautiful Melanie is feeling "dazed and confused" (her words) over whether she should choose commitment or chemistry.
Here's what she wrote:
Hi Jane,
I have been following your program for several months now and read many of your stories. I have followed your advice about an ex-boyfriend (who moved and is now long distance.)
We tried to make things work for the last year as long distance, but he had an issue with being alone and also is going through a divorce for 3 years that is still not final. He has been unable to commit to anything at this point.
We were together for a year, then he had to move for work a year ago. He lives 3 hours away.
He has broken up with me 3 times in the last year - mostly because he doesn't want to be alone & I can't move there. I am divorced with 3 kids (2 are still at home). He has been divorced twice.
Since he wouldn't commit, I started seeing other men & told him I was doing so. In the last few months since we broke up, I started seeing someone else who has now told me that he is in love with me and wants to commit to a future.
Now, my ex has started coming back around, making the effort, telling me he misses me and still loves me. What a problem!?
I've never been in this position before. I have two amazing, solid men with great careers.
The new guy has been amazing to me and has earned my trust and respect. But I don't have the same feelings for him that I did for my ex from the first time we met. I am not as physically or emotionally attracted to him - but all check marks are much higher than my ex in other areas.
He wants to be a stepfather. He wants to get married. He was married for 22 years and has been divorced for 7. He is very successful and spoils me in ways that my ex never has. He wants a commitment long term and is willing to give me that.
I worry if I commit to him, knowing I don't feel the same strong feelings I feel with my ex, then maybe I'm settling? My only other concern with him is that he is only here in town short term for work, but he says he will stay here long term if we are together. He can work from anywhere.
Should I break up with someone I truly love who can't commit and choose someone who can, but I don't have the same emotional and physical chemistry with?
UGH!?
I would love to know what other women think.
I'm sure most people would say to follow your heart, but my ex has hurt me so many times. I don't know if I can trust him with my heart again even though he's trying to earn his way back in.
My ex has been making major changes and is trying to show me that he is now ready for a relationship.
He is still not in a position to commit to anything long term until his divorce is final, but has made some major changes lately and wants me back. We have had such a strong connection and loved each other since the day we met and have always had an amazing relationship.
The only key issue is that he can't commit long term TODAY. He is still having PTSD from his ex-wife and the divorce, so the timing isn't great.
Is he the classic "Someday guy" that you warn about? Am I making a mistake to follow my heart and be with someone who might not ever commit?
Why do I feel like I'm "settling" for someone else if I choose the current guy instead, knowing I don't have the same attraction to him?
Maybe I can't completely feel physically and emotionally attracted to the new guy if I still have those feelings for my ex?
I'm so confused, but cannot continue to date both of these men. I need to make a decision as they both want an exclusive relationship at this point.
So now, I am the one who is not committing and trying to decide which man is best for me long term.
Any advice on this one?
Thank you,
Melanie
My Response:
Yes, Melanie. He’s the classic “Someday” guy I warn about.
The not wanting to be alone but not being able to do anything about it (like commit!) The classic victim of his circumstances. The one that just needs to be loved like you know you can love him to help him find his way.
But for how long? And at what cost to you?
Oh Melanie, listen to your heart. Listen closely to what it says.
It spins a story that we want with every ounce of our being to believe. That he’ll eventually come around and commit if we wait around patiently enough for it to bring about that change. That he just needs to see he can trust us. That he just needs one more thing from you and this next time will be enough.
Your heart wants to believe this because it believes love can conquer anything. But what gives love its power is the power we give it to do something in our lives.
If you’re the only one giving it this power and he’s not, love will come up against that wall with him, too.
He has to be willing to let his heart be seen, to allow his heart to be open enough to receive that love. As long as he holds to his stories of why he can’t, of all the reasons he's the victim of a cruel joke love played on him before, he can’t move forward with you.
And ironically, Melanie, this may be the same for you. You can’t move on until you see your ex for who he is.
A sensitive, kind-hearted man who's stuck in his stories he can’t see, stuck in the possibilities that he doesn’t feel he will ever have, and the lack of motivation to make something work that somehow doesn’t feel quite right to him.
The irony is the parallels both of you share.
I do have some advice for you: I want you to follow your heart. But not the way you're probably thinking.
I want you to follow your heart and choose someone who can give you the reality of what your heart dreams of. What you really want.
I want you to choose to not settle for anything less than someone who is capable of giving you reality and not just pies in the sky. I want you to not settle for less than the commitment you truly want.
Yes, you’ve got dreams. And yes, your ex could pursue them with you.
But is he? Will he? Does he have an actual plan?
You know he wants to, and he’s say he would, but his actions clearly show you otherwise over and over again.
That’s what I want you to listen to.
For all its dreams, your heart wants what's real. It craves real. And real isn’t in the form of promises broken or reasons given for all the potential in the world, over and over and over again.
You can’t possibly see this new man in front of you until you allow yourself to see the reality of the man behind you.
You can’t. None of us can.
See him for who he is – and who he isn’t – and you’ll open up your eyes to see whether you want to choose this new man for reasons that have everything to do with him, and nothing to do with your ex.
He can’t compete with potential. He can’t compete with a dream. With an idea. He can’t compete with the hold these have on you.
It’s not about him, it’s about unfinished business, it’s about who he represents. It’s about past broken dreams. Not him, he doesn’t have your heart, Melanie. It’s what he represents to you that keeps him deep in your heart.
Let go of those, and he doesn’t have to. He’ll stand apart by his own qualities.
And then you will see your way clear to choose.
Hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think beautiful Melanie should do in this situation? Share your thoughts and words of encouragement with Melanie and all of us below in the comments!
Melanie....Melanie......ive been in the same boat. Still the ex of 5 years is on my mind and still texting me. The new guy is SOLID. I made a decision I chose the new guy as the commitment will NEVER come from my true love. Sad, but true. I tried everything months of letting him assure me HE NEEDS TIME etc I wish I can promise you it STAYS like that and will stay like that for ever. So, in order for me to keep true to myself, I had to choose and i know I did the right thing. It hurts yes and will hurt for years to come, but to be on such a rollercoaster not knowing is not good for any of us. In the end the good boring guys out there are the REAL ones.... I learned this the hard way. So each time I think of him I do a bit of meditation blow in blow out it sort of helps and also him pleading to see me again its been 8 months now I stand FIRM and refuse make up any excuse possible. As I know it will be the same again.....I personally think these men are damaged goods.
Melanie,
Men do what they want to do. It's just that simple. Divorce,the commitment fear, etc,etc just boil down to excuses---no matter how much they seem to make sense. Your ex is stringing you along with excuses. And he's using you in order not to be alone. Also, if the relationship was a healthy one in general, u would not have broke up three times already. I know he seems so wonderful right now, but that's only to keep u stringed along... Then he'll repeat the same stuff that got u broken up those 3 times.
Take it really SLOW with the committed man. He (& you) deserve someone who truly cares. Make sure you really do want him in your life, and are not just using him for commitment. Take time, and work on yourself to get over your ex. Work to have a life outside of men--if you don't already. Friendships, hobbies, serving others are always important & allow for reality to come into focus better. All the best!
Melanie I feel for you. I am not going to pretend I have it all figured out though! I too have experienced not knowing whether to choose a man that I had chemistry and passion with, versus a man who was willing to committ. I chose the one.willing to commit, but I left him after 5 months. You see, even after I chose the man who wanted to commit to me, I realized that I would be settling for less being with him too. I just didn't love him. I realized I'd rather be alone than with a man who wasn't willing to commit or love me like I deserved, or with a man I felt no love for. Im so glad I'm not with either of them even though I still do miss the man I had chemistry with. I have learned that just because you miss someone, doesn't mean you need to contact them or be with them. Maybe it's time to be alone. Who says that's a bad thing? Who says you have to make a decision today? Take time for yourself and follow your gut.
Maybe the man who wants to commit isn't right for you either! Wouldn't you rather be alone than with the wrong guy?
My heart goes out to you, Melanie. I hope that each story you read in this community of women helps you to make your own decisions.
My experience is that when I had not truly let go of the previous relationship (my first love), the new one with a good man who was willing to commit to me did not last and was an emotional nightmare, although I married him and stayed with him for nearly 10 years.
I married a man that I knew wouldn't hit me and could support me. He was not all like like my first love. The man I married was a good man, but I didn't love him. I thought that love would come with time. It didn't. It was very difficult to leave the marriage because he was good to me. I am still haunted by the fact that I stayed with him for so long without feeling love for him. Today I need to give myself credit for leaving that marriage 33 years ago!
For reasons that I am beginning to understand as a result of belong to this community of women facilitated by Jane, I wasn't able to let go of my first love emotionally until he died 9 years ago.
Today I am seeing clearly that my task now is to let go my guilt and shame for marrying a man I didn't love. That has been as much a hindrance as the trauma I experienced with my first love.
My unresolved issues with these two past relationships have kept me from
entering a healthy relationship. I've also been looking at my unhealed relationship with my father (he died in 2003) as one of the hindrances. It is such a relief to be in the process of healing and going forward in a community of women who have had similar experiences and are seeking to know and value themselves no matter what happens.
Hi, send th 1st one packing, from experience he will be back for a while because he doesn't want you to have anyone else.
Let things blossom with the 2nd one good men truly hard to find
wishing you every happiness, Jane in England ?
I have been there...let me ask you this...who makes you cry? Who makes living life hard? Who wants to be in your life for certain? With no issues and conditions. Is your ex even free to start a relationship? I'm gping to give it to you straight if your ex wanted to be with you he would do it. Don't loose your chance to be with someone that wants to be with YOU over someone that clearly does not. Don't compare the two because physical chemistry is nothing compared to commitment and validation. You might feel chemistry with your ex bUT if he does not want to be with you then it's useless. Choose the man that does nit treat you like an option. When a man puts you as a priority it's sexy and emotional...give the new guy the chance he deserves. You are worth love and happiness!!
If you were going into a bookies to place a $100 bet, you'd look at track record before making a decision. So what is the track record of the guy who makes your heart ache? 90% chance of more heartache, I'd say. And what is the track record of the guy who wants commitment? 90% chance of commitment, based on your description. What you're betting on is more valuable than money -- it's your future happiness and that of your children. You have a 10% chance of your first love committing to you: that's a huge gamble.
I believe Jane is totally right on the "mirror" you created with your ex who you have the strongest connection to. He had not let go of his wife fully who he no doubt had less attraction to emotionally and physically too, just like the new person you have attracted. Without realising it - YOU have mirrored him to create an even playing field. I have been in the same position as you and chose the current person who was there (even though deep down I knew my ex was the preference) I totally chose reality - until it has recently and unfortunately but organically come to an end. The guy I attracted was a mirror of the woman he attracted when I wasn't able to commit. There are times in your life you genuinely want to commit but you just have to put your children or circumstances before even a much loved partner. Timing is everything. I would say you are now better to stick it out with the new guy if you are happy enough. My guess is when you truly finish with the new/latest guy is when the ex will truly finish with his ex too. Two people that are meant to be mirror each other! My love life has always been shot by this circumstance. My very first love was my preference, (who wasn't ready to commit) but I chose the committed and available rebound. Not good long term, it never lasts. My belief is really to be honest - when your heart has two loves ..mark each honestly out of 10 - the one you want most overall - make yourself fully available for, work through that as best you can or wait to you find your number one man. Free of all others. You need to get to a position when you are with someone, and no one else in your mind or heart is better !!!
I believe Jane is totally right on the "mirror" you created with your ex who you have the strongest connection to. He had not let go of his wife fully who he no doubt had less attraction to emotionally and physically too, just like the new person you have attracted. Without realising it - YOU have mirrored him to create an even playing field. I have been in the same position as you and chose the current person who was there (even though deep down I knew my ex was the preference) I totally chose reality - until it has recently and unfortunately but organically come to an end. The guy I attracted was a mirror of the woman he attracted when I wasn't able to commit. There are times in your life you genuinely want to commit but you just have to put your children or circumstances before even a much loved partner. Timing is everything. I would say you are now better to stick it out with the new guy if you are happy enough. My guess is when you truly finish with the new/latest guy is when the ex will truly finish with his ex too. Two people that are meant to be mirror each other! My love life has always been shot by this circumstance. My very first love was my preference, (who wasn't ready to commit) but I chose the committed and available rebound. Not good long term, it never lasts. My belief is really to be honest - when your heart has two loves ..mark each honestly out of 10 - the one you want most overall - make yourself fully available for, work through that as best you can or wait to you find your number one. You need to get to a position when you are with someone, no one else in your mind or heart is better !!!
Hi Melanie,
Attraction can and does grow when you're with a partner who values you and works on a life with you in regard to what you both want out of the relationship. Drama is what you've got with your ex, which can be exhausting to not only you but the people closest to you.
The main reason your ex is now interested is because you're not available to him. You say your relationship with him was wonderful and yet you also mention he broke up with you 3 times. The right man, doesn't break up with you 3 times, then wants you back when he can't have you, that behavior is a sign of an unhealthy dynamic within a couple. Not to mention he's still not officially divorced- these are all HUGE red flags.
Chemistry is so strong that even the most level headed people will dismiss the very real red-flags by ignoring them or excusing them. When you are attracted to someone and value yourself you allow the man to show up as himself and evaluate who he is based on how he treats you and behaves as an individual. When he behaves with integrity and values you and you see his commitment to being an honorable man, your attraction for him *should grow.
I hope you value and truly love yourself enough to know that you deserve to be with a solid man who can give you what you want in a relationship. So many women often make decisions with Men from a place of scarcity, like the man they're with is the last man who will ever love them. That couldn't be farther from the truth. Come from a place of abundance and don't be afraid to honor yourself. If you don't, no one else will.
Warmly,
Janine
Jane, bingo! Spot on! I will definitely save this one to read again whenever I need... LOVED IT!
We always think, just this, just one more, he just needs this to work... and years go by and we still feel it's not enough.
From your story it seems like it has been enough Melanie...
It's hard to see when we are so much in love. But he seems like my ex - needed me to be patient, to love him unconditionally until he worked things out. Until he was finally over with his divorce issues, with his trauma... with his, his... and I was the impatient one who couldn't understand. They do come back, "ready", with promises.. of course, he does not want to lose you. But that doesn't mean he's ready to give you all you deserve. And who knows if he'll ever be. Take some distance, some time, that's what I did and what cleared my mind.
"Ohh, but I will loose him." Well, if he can't wait for you to get some time for yourself then he's definitely not the one. If he loves you he will accept you are not ready. Like you did when he was not.
If you are not 100% right, don't come back to your ex. Eventually he will come back with the same issues he had. People don't change that fast.
Ah Melanie. I can imagine what a conundrum this feels like to you. If my perspective helps, I wish I were in the position to choose between two guys instead of being perpetually uninteresting to any guy lol!!! But in all seriousness, Jane said it all when she said you're not seeing these men for who they truly are. Instead, you've created images in your head about them that may not be accurate at all. Personally, I think choosing your ex is like playing the lottery and you have 0.0000000001% chance of winning if history is any indication. I would choose the new guy and take it slow with him. Good luck. I hope you make the right decision for yourself, not for us.
Hi Jane,
My heart is bleeding and I don't know when it can be heal 🙁 I thought I met the perfect match on a first date as he told me he wanted marriage and relationship before I told him. It completely made me surprised and forgot my intentions of go on a date which is to meet new friends and see how it goes. He told me he is Christian and see family is important. Also he worked hard for his future family so and so. . We were so into each other since first date. Second date we kissed alot. Third date almost had sex in his car. I did not know why I let him did this but I was so into him! Well we had sex on a fourth date. We dated about a month. I did not ask for exclusivity before sex because I felt we were on the same page. However, next few days after sex, it was only me initiating the message and he even not planned to spend his birthday with me! He supposed to meet me the week after his birthday. I did not hear anything from him the day before. I told myself not to send him anything but I couldn't. I did send him a message at night time ask him how his day been. He didn't see it so I thought he slept. Then next day he texted me: I want to be honest with you, I have doubts about us being in a relationship and I can't see it going anywhere. I think I have feelings with someone else at my work. I don't want to drag you along. I respect you.
I was angry and hurt. He even told me not to see other guys but how can he do this me! I called him and he said it was nothing between them, they didn't go date just talk at work. I also admit that we were too fast and he said he doesn't want to get hurt because he just out of a 5 years relationships for 3 months.
I told him during our date that I don't want to be his rebound. He just cut me off after we had sex. He even doesn't have the gut to talk this things in front of me and avoiding me now. I told him that night I felt so miserable and couldn't eat and he didn't come to see me anyway! He said will let me know if he will see me the next day. I wrote him the last message: I want to believe that you are not that kind of person who lead a girl on then broke her heart and just run away. He saw it but no reply and I didn't get anything from him for 3 days now.
I don't know if he will contact me again but I did not contact him ever since. I don't want to act like a desperate woman and I wanna give myself one month time to heal then see if I want to contact him again. Anyway, my heart was completely broken now and I don't know should I trust man again. I kept thinking that I regret to have sex with him without bring up the exclusivity talk. Also, is it because I had sex with him this soon so he thought I wasn't a good wife material as he said he is Christian? I was hurt so many times before by men who won't commit but this time I still hurt by a man who said want commitment! 🙁
I've been here.
He is gone, don't bother to contact him again as you will be chasing him and he will just keep running. Don't look back and over analyse, when someone breaks your heart thank your lucky stars that now you know who they are for what they are.
Having sex to quickly is not encouraged as, especially when we think we meet Mr perfect, we can get more attached to quickly without really sussing them out, but don't think having or not having sex defines your worth. You are valuable regardless of if he recognises this or not. ( My S.O and i did it in date 3, full disclosure, he chased me for 6 months ( and i wasn't interested lol), but the guy before i played "the long wait for me, and after 4 months, he still vanished).
If you really are true to yourself, how much do you really know this guy in a month, how much of it is how you thought you two would be vrs how things actually were.
Give yourself time as you've stated, hurt always fades if you let it. Learn what you can from this experience and let go.
Best of luck.
Thanks L,
I hope I can overcome this. Even I still have lots of flashbacks about all the beautiful lies he said to me. A friend told me he has been fooling himself during the time he was with me and this is his stuff that he needs to deal with. So I was not the problem he is! He is a fool not me!
Hi Kate,
I'm really sorry for what you went through with this guy. But be grateful that you were only seeing him for a month. I learned a lot of lessons in my life and the main one I've learned is when a guy tells you that he is afraid of getting hurt because of his last relationship, you need to move on immediately. These men are not ready and open to be in a relationship. You'll only end up wasting your time and energy on this guy trying to make him want a relationship. Most of the time, it ends up with you being hurt. Trust me, I've experienced this many times, with the kind of guys you've described. I know you worry about whether you slept with him too soon. This is mostly his problem not yours for it not working out. I really suggest doing Jane's program. It will help you tremendously. Also, read the book "men who can't love", it's a big eye opener. Hang in there!
I agree with Jane. It took me so many years to learn this lesson and to finally choose a good man who wanted to be with me...full stop. It's true that I don't have the same physical chemistry with him that I had in the past with the men who couldn't really fully be there for me but I've grown to not really trust that old chemistry. I believe at least some of that chemistry/love was the familiar ache of trying to "win" love that I experienced throughout my childhood. Felt like home but in an oh-so-not-healthy way. I'm not suggesting it is necessarily the same scenario for you but I will tell you the best part of choosing a man who takes me as I am and is solidly there for me every day...I am simply thriving and soaring now in my life. I'm not spending all my energy helping my man-in-need or trying to make the relationship work. I am feeling grounded and safe and happy and I am going out into the world and spreading that around. So in the end I would say that chemistry is a bit over-rated and it dissipates in the first few years anyway. Instead, it is wise to understand the things we need from a partner that will make us feel our best in the world. I wish I had learned that lesson in my 20's instead of my 40's but at least I found out it's never to late to soar.
Love is not the feeling. Love is the commitment! Love is someone who is there for you everyday, does what he says, appreciates you for who you are and doesn't try to change you.
I am currently in a wonderful committed relationship! I was not initially attracted to my boyfriend but he was honest, caring and willing to commit and now I can't imagine my life without him! He is everything I never knew I wanted! Go with the man who loves you and is willing to give you the world! You will be so much happier in the end!
Yes! All of this!
Let go of the guy who moved away, and grab onto the guy who's choosing to stay FOR YOU.
So many times exes have risen from under their rock when they hear I'm with someone else, and realised how much they messed up, how much they want to change for me. I've been foolish and let one of them back in, and all he did was hurt me again. Say he's not read again, tell me he can't commit yet, but one day I'm the one he'll be ready for again. It's all just words, and he probably really believes they're true. But they're not, he's fooling both of us. But not me anymore.
Close the door on your ex, until you do you won't be able to move on. Give this new guy a chance without the relationship you imagine you could have with your ex to compete with. Jane is so right, he will never live up to the dream life you've thought out for you and your ex.
I've given up on finding love again, I can't take anymore hurt and false promises, and I'm happy in my life right now. And I won't let anyone, especially my ex, come along and mess that up.
Don't let your ex mess up a chance to be with a guy who actively makes you happy every day. I bet once you let your ex go, you'll fall head over heels with this new guy 🙂
Thank you!!
Let go of BOTH of them- neither is right for you... the right one will come along when you completely let go of the one in the past...