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Don't Ask "Who's Next?" Ask This Instead

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A beautiful woman looks into the camera wondering not who's next but what's next. Where is he? We wonder.

We've done our work, we say.

We've learned more than enough lessons and we’re finally starting to see the role we play in these relationships that aren't the ones we belong on and we’re learning to stop holding on so tight.

But when will he come along? You wonder.

Where is he? You come right out and ask.

You've kept your end of the bargain, is what you’re really saying, with the universe, with God, with whoever it is you’re bargaining with; now where’s your reward?

And there you are. Alone. And it hurts.

It doesn't seem fair. So much work, so many lessons, when is it going to be my turn? is the silent question never far from your lips.

Just move on. Let go.

“I've done that”, you say. But is it possible that, like me, not too long ago, you were expecting to move on to someone else and not to more of you, alone, like before? And is it this new expectation that’s bringing with it a whole other belief system with its own set of “shoulds” and assumptions and new stories that are simply replacing the old?

We think we move on to a who.

All too often we wait for someone better to come along before we take that leap. But it’s actually the reverse that’s true. You move on for yourself. You move on to a what before there becomes a who.

The what that you move on to is a life that’s waiting to be lived. Your life.

You move on to your dreams, your goals, your passions. You move on to your hobbies, your causes, your impossibles that become possibles. You move on to the amazing life you create for yourself!

I used to fight it. I’d stay in that bad relationship until something better came along so that I wouldn't have to be alone, so it would be easier to give up what little I was getting that seemed like so much at the time.

But it never quite worked that way. The ones who came along were all very much the same as the ones they replaced. Or they were the ones I should have been interested in, but they could never compare to my view of what I was giving up at the time.

The question of whether I was really better off alone would always set in.

I know you wonder that, too.

That it sometimes feels like you've been sold a bill of goods. That it wasn't supposed to be like this. That the right one was supposed to have come along by now.

And I know that you’re so tired of being alone. And going on that blind date. Or getting online “just in case”.

We all have it

If I could spend a day with you, I could tell you exactly what your particular “it” is. We all have one.

It’s the reason behind the reason. It’s what you can’t see because you've been doing it for so long even though you believe you've been doing it different every time.

If you didn't have one, if there was no real reason except that you’re not enough, or there’s something wrong with you, it would be just that simple. But there is one, and you are. Enough and perfect just the way you are, for someone who’s truly right for you. But without this thing that’s holding you back and keeping you where you are.

Find that what that you need to move on to. Peel away those layers some more to see who you really are. To discover what it is you really want, and why it’s so hard to find just that.

I've heard so many women who say they've done it all and tried everything and they know that there’s nothing more they can do to find “him”.

They’re just unlucky, they falsely believe. And so they’re spending all their time and energy fulfilling their own self-fulfilling prophecies. And yet, when I see who they’re choosing, when I see who they’re not choosing, it’s clear there’s some disconnect between who their story tells them they want and who their heart of hearts desires.

Are you the damsel in distress?

Are you the princess waiting to be rescued?

Are you the strong, grounded, responsible one who only wants what you can’t have?

Are you the girl who was never allowed to play and so there he is, the player?

Are you the one who’s still trying to prove herself to someone who only exists in your mind?

Is it the fairy tale you’re stuck in, or is it someone else’s reality that he has to be so much more than what he is?

Who’s doing the choosing for you? Your mother, your father, your sibling, or some other “them” that hold you to a certain type?

What about a different type? What about someone completely different from all the ones before? Have you really tried them all?

Go there. Dig around. See what you find.

And while you’re there, check out your belief system. What do you really believe about love behind the ready answers you give so well?

And while we’re peeling away those well-rehearsed answers, what about those things that stir your soul? What about those fascinations, those passions, those things that won’t be silenced, but have been for so long?

What about all those things you love to do that others who share your values, your interests would also be doing in the places you’d be doing them, too?

What about those random moments in that coffee shop with other connoisseurs, those cozy chairs in the book stores with other book lovers, those times volunteering with animals, children or causes where other like-minded individuals find each other?

What about the whole new world that’s opened up with online-dating? Could all those real-life couples we all know who found themselves through this medium - and would never have come across each other otherwise - really all be wrong?

So much to explore when you see yourself and your world for what it is; opportunities to live, to create, to build, and to grow.

A life without fear, without making it into “finding him” and instead making it about finding ourselves.

Because remember, it’s not about trying so hard. It’s about two people on the same page who want the same thing and are drawn to each other in the living of two lives.

It’s a life. And it only takes one.

You.

What about you? Have you gotten caught up in the trap of constantly searching for your Mr. Right? Tell us about it in the comments! We've all been through it, and we're here to help.

Release the YOU You Never Knew

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Release your inner diva. A silhouette of a beautiful, sexy woman in high heels and a skirt stands against a lavender background with white swirls. She's confident, attractive and sexy.Find and get to know your inner diva.

I’ve got some breaking news: you don’t need a man to define your life! You don’t need a man to have a world to fit into. You don’t need a guy to feel like you can start living. In fact, it’s the opposite – your life is exactly that – yours. Men (at least the healthy ones) like women who have their own life. If a man wants a woman who’s going to devote their entire being to him, and cater to his every whim, then he’s got his own issues and we don’t want to go there anyway.

Your life is what you choose to make of it. You can keep waiting and hoping for the right guy to hurry up and come along and rescue you from your current life because you think it’s easier to be in someone else’s ready-made life than make one of your own. But the price you pay for that is your self-esteem, your worth, your confidence, your you. Because you can do it, too! Did someone forget to tell you that you can be anything you want to be? You can! You can do anything, be anything, and achieve anything, if you believe in yourself that you can.Continue Reading

The Simple Truth About Playing Hard To Get

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A beautiful blond woman in a black sweater sits near a man on a park bench looking away slyly, not only playing hard to get, but being hard to get. We've all heard the advice at one time or another:

Play hard to get and he'll come around and finally make a commitment. 

Back when I was single, I heard it too - a lot.

And while it made sense on one level – if he has to chase you he'll be more likely to want to – on another level, it seemed so fake, dishonest, even manipulative. It just felt like a misrepresentation of the real, authentic person I was working on becoming,  both with myself and everyone else.

But since this advice is still among the most popular advice given in one form or another, I wanted to address it here.

What I've come to realize is that while playing hard to get is the last thing you should do if you are looking for a real, authentic, honest relationship (which we know you are), being hard to get is a whole other thing.

And that's exactly what you do want to be.

Genuinely. Honestly. Authentically. Irresistibly. Hard to get.

Because if you can just see yourself the way you really are, with all that you have to offer someone who is truly deserving of you, there would be no question that you aren't going to drop everything and suddenly become available to just any guy who happens to look good in a tight t-shirt.

Be Hard To Get

You know that you have every right to be picky about the right things, every right to make sure he measures up to your high standards before you even consider making a commitment to him.

You have every right to keep living your own life – keeping your options open – until he gives you a clear rock-solid reason to do otherwise.

You know that you deserve to be called with enough advance notice that shows you're more than just an afterthought when he's got nothing better to do. You continue to make your own plans and keep them even if it means saying "no" to him if he called too late.

You know that if he doesn't call (or text, email, etc.), it's not anything to blame yourself for. It just means it wasn't meant to be right now and he isn't the guy for you at this point in time.

You don't beat yourself up about it, because you know it's his loss.

You know that your happiness doesn't depend on him choosing you. You have already chosen yourself.

You know that your worth doesn't depend on him choosing you. You already know you have worth just because you're you!

You know that you have nothing to prove, nothing to lose, and nothing to live up to. This is simply about getting to know someone better to see if you are compatible, enjoy being with each other, share the same values and are looking for similar things in life.

You know that it takes two people on the same page who want the same thing to make a relationship work, and you would never blame yourself or take more than your share of responsibility for the relationship if it didn't work out the way you wanted it to.

You Are Priceless

Because you, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than someone who genuinely wants to get to know you better and treats you like the confident, beautiful, priceless woman that you truly are.

This isn't about making someone love you.

This isn't about being the perfect girlfriend or perfect potential wife, or whatever else you see yourself as being to this man that hasn't given you any reason to commit to him any more than he's committing to you.

This is about two people getting to know each other better on this adventure we call life. That's it.

Don't take it any more seriously than this. Enjoy, have fun, live in the moment, and most of all, remember that this is about you living your life and raising the bar on how you choose to be treated!

You truly are all that...and yes, you are hard to get!

I'm Confident and Adventurous – Why Can't I Find Love?

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How does a woman in my position keep from feeling there will actually be no one out there for her? A beautiful confident woman leans against a tree in a park.One of our confident, beautiful readers, Ashley, wrote in asking for some advice on what she can do to find love. Since this is a question so many of us can relate to, I wanted to share her question and my response.

Hi Jane,

Thank you for offering to answer questions!

I am a confident woman who is 29, I have my career where I want it and feel great about everything except my love life. I belong to sports clubs, I'm adventurous, I keep myself busy with hobbies and a great social life but find that the dates I do have(very minimal) don't go anywhere. I have only ever had 2 relationships and keep getting told "when I'm looking for it the least, it will happen" It's been about 7 years since my last relationship so I'm starting to laugh crazily when I hear that. Honestly I've considered moving cities as the place I live in is notoriously hard to date and have tried every avenue from online to speed dating. How does a woman in my position keep from feeling there will actually be no one out there for her? Is moving cities a crazy idea? I'm at a loss for love.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this!

Ashley

My Response:

Dear Ashley,

I'm so glad you wrote to me. I hear exactly what you're saying and could have described myself at 29 in your description! I'm not sure where you are in your small town, but I know that even living just outside of Vancouver, Canada, I, too, was so tired up finding only heartbreak and a lack of available men for what I was looking for back when I decided I needed a whole new outlook on life and moved down to California to start a new life. So I have always been in favor of a change of scenery if you are feeling in a rut and want to see what doors open up to you when you check out what might be waiting for you in a new locale. At the very least, just looking at your options elsewhere can be a reminder that there is so much more to life that where you are currently at and can jump start your passion for life where you're at right now!

And whether you decide to stay where you are or try a new city all together, I have some things to think about that might help, too. First of all, if you haven't already downloaded a copy of my ebook, be sure to start there. But specifically, what I would start with is giving up your search. Mentally. It's a mindset when you do that. Without knowing you and your history and being able to have a direct dialogue about all this, I'm guessing that this search is very much a part of your everyday life. So my point here is about living your life as if you weren't searching so hard for this elusive love. It's about living your life, doing all those things that you enjoy doing and stretching yourself into activities and interests, while being open to see who shows up in those spaces. Not looking for them, but being open to them. Men and women, people from all walks of life who you can meet and get to know just for the sake of making a new connection. Maybe it's volunteering for something you never realized you were passionate about. Maybe it's about stretching yourself to join something you didn't know existed. The point is to live your life in such a way that you're in broader contact with more people than you are right now. For the purpose of meeting new people and expanding your horizons without being so focused on meeting Mr. Right.

The next part is more about creating an energy within yourself that comes from expanding your horizons like this without the pressure of trying to find your true love. It's about giving up the behind the scenes fear and anxiety and instead replacing with a trust in love and the universe or god or whatever you believe in, that those beautiful desires of your heart for someone to share your life with are there for a reason. Someone is out there searching for you, wondering the same things you are, looking for exactly who you are. And part of this mindset is trusting, really believing that love is working on bringing the two of you together in a way that you probably wouldn't expect. So it's learning to let go of the specifics and just open yourself up to a renewed energy that can only come when you let go like this. You'll know when you feel it because they'll be a lightness in your step, and a sense of yourself being the most beautiful gift that a man who's truly deserving of you will be so excited to have found.

And it's also about feeling as good about yourself as you can. Whatever those little things you do for yourself to make you feel special, it's about treating yourself the way you envision someone who is in love with you to be treating you. Maybe it's some fresh flowers, maybe it's a special dinner or a fresh new outfit or a day at the spa, or some beautiful, sexy lingerie that makes you feel so desirable and wanted. It's all about creating a new energy for you, for your life, for all that you are and all that you have to offer that man who is looking for you without feeling like you aren't all this. You have to feel it if he's going to feel it too and be able to find you above all the noise. It's about having your light shining so beautifully from within because you get what all this means, and it isn't about time or numbers or anything tangible, it's simply about being.

It's this combination of living physically like this, while living mentally with this mindset, that makes such a difference, Ashley. And while some of this may resonate with you, while other parts you just don't get or understand or you feel like you do this already, I would suggest that you just sit with these ideas and see what comes up for you. Where you go, what things you think of. Everyone's journey is different, and I believe that we all come to what we need to when we're ready, so don't compare yourself to others or see what you don't have. See what you do have. See if you can find more love around you than you might have even been aware of. It's such an individual thing, such a personal process this loving ourselves and then really getting to the point where we attract and are attracted to the type of love that honors ourselves and reflects back to us the light and love we put out there in the world to everything around us.

I wish I could make it more exact, more specific, but I hope you're able to get enough from what I'm talking about for it to resonate on some level that makes it clearer to you as you think about this in the light of your own life, of your own history, of your own very personal and individual journey.

And remember, above all else, you're not alone, Ashley. Someone who is the right man for you is looking for you, too. And he's on his own personal journey as well, that eventually will intersect with you, too. He might not be anything like you would expect, so be open to seeing the real him, not just what's on the surface. Sometimes who we eventually end up with surprises us in all kinds of ways.

I hope this helps on some level. Remember that you're still so young, and you truly do have your whole life ahead of you, even if it doesn't always feel that way. If you feel a particular place calling to you, explore it; you never know where that might lead if you don't at least check it out. You deserve nothing less than all that love and life have in store for you!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Ashley? Please share them with her in the comments!

 

Be Confident: You Know Who You Really Are

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That internal voice - it's always there, undermining your confidence, silently eroding your self-esteem, but you know who you really are. A beautiful young woman is thinking about who she really is, and her confidence level.There's that little voice inside your head that seems to pop up whenever you're at your most vulnerable. Whenever you're already questioning yourself and what you're doing and whether or not you really do deserve the best that love and life have to offer.

For many of us, it's subtle and not loud enough to do too much damage. But for some of us, it's very loud. We never hear the actual words, but the damage it does to our hearts, our souls, our very beings, is catastrophic. It's always there, undermining your confidence, silently eroding your self-esteem.

It beats us down, keeps us down, and causes us to lose sight of our dreams, our goals, our hopes. It does the most damage to the most sensitive among us, who heard those words often enough in our lives from outside of ourselves that they are now just part of who we are.

We don't even question it.

It starts as subtle as being told to dream small. To protect ourselves by not expecting too much. Or it might be that we were laughed at when we had an idea that was all our own. It seemed brilliant to us, but to them, it was laughable, cute, funny. Which would be OK, if we weren't so serious.

So then, the next time, it's not surprising that we don't think it's so brilliant, and eventually, when we have these ideas, or think we can do something or become something or even try something, our very next thoughts are that it's laughable, cute, funny. Until, over time, as we repeat this process, we start to not only view our ideas and dreams and aspirations this way, but we come to see ourselves like this too.

Because it's not too big of a stretch when you're young and impressionable and the people who respond to you like this are your world. At a time when you see your ideas, your thoughts of all that you can do, as not being so separate from your self. This all happened before you learned that they don't know everything, that you might even know more than a thing or to, that you might actually know exactly who you are and what you can really do!

But once the suggestion is there, once we've heard those voices from the outside telling us what we can and can't do – as if they know us so much better than we know ourselves - then it's such a small step to internalize that voice and make it our own.

Which is exactly what happened.

Which is exactly why we didn't even know this voice was there. Until we find ourselves later in life wondering why we think so little of ourselves, and why we make choices that don't honor our true selves. Choices that leave us settling for less than what we know we want, and deserve. It's exactly why we find ourselves repeating the same patterns over and over again no matter how much we try to do things differently.

Because that voice is just too strong.

And too prevalent. And too much a part of us. In order to change our internal voice we need to be reminded over and over again, just as many times as we heard it in the first place, that what our current voices are saying is just not true. Until we can make the truth the only voice we hear and make it our own.

There's nothing laughable, or cute or funny about any of this. This staying small, and giving ourselves away because we don't believe we're worth more. This accepting of crumbs and whatever someone will give us to make us feel worthy. This life we've accepted that is so much less that the life we were meant to live! This inferiority, or it's opposite - the inflated superiority - that only hides that hurting little girl underneath the facade.

We've lived like this for so long, we don't even realize it's this subtle internal voice that's underneath it all. Keeping us stuck. Holding us back. Reminding us that it's not worth it, that we're not worth it, whenever we summon up enough courage to attempt to let our lights shine bright.

Until now. It stops here. No more. That voice is wrong. That message is incorrect. Mistaken. You are all that! You deserve all that! It's time to take back our confidence and self-esteem. There's only one response to that voice – tell it that you know exactly who you are! And you deserve the very best of everything beautiful, and wonderful, and amazing that love and life have to offer! There is so much more to your life! And they didn't know better and still no one knows better than you do. You can do that. You can have that. You can be all that! You are all that!

So be confident, dream those dreams, set your goals high, and allow yourself to feel that confidence. Don't allow anyone to tell you that you can't do that, not even you!

Because it's not really you. It's them.

And they didn't know. You have nothing to prove, there's nothing to show them. Just do it for you, and all that you're worth, and all that you are. You, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing, absolutely nothing, less than this!

How Long Do I Wait For Commitment?

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Woman upset with boyfriend because he won't commit
What does waiting do for you?

You've read my post Why Won't He Commit? 7 Things You Can Do To Move Things Along. You've tried everything I've suggested, and now the only thing you're left wondering is how long do you wait to see if he comes around and gives you the kind of commitment that you're looking for? You're so not alone if this is where you're at. Of all the questions I'm asked, this is by far one of the most common.

The simple honest answer is you should never wait for someone to come around to commit to you! Honestly, if he isn't on that same page as you, open and in touch with himself enough to know what he wants and that he wants a committed relationship in the first place, before he met you, waiting around for him to come around to where he is finally ready for commitment to you is wasting your time.

He's not going to come around and commit to you because you're waiting for him. In fact, the very fact that he knows you're waiting for him, and willing to put your life on hold to wait to see if he does commit, lets him know that he's more important than you; that you value him more than you value yourself, and leaves him with no motivation to figure out what it is he's really looking for, why he's behaving like this with you, and what he would be losing when you finally give up on him and leave.Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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