This is the fourth post in our series 8 Signs You Aren't Ready for a Relationship.
We'll be delving into each of these more deeply, one by one, to make sure that you areready for a relationship when your Mr. Right comes along.
Are You Waiting for Your Knight in Shining Armor?
- Does your self-talk sound like "I'm such a mess", or "why am I so insecure?", or other similarly self-deprecating statements?
- Do you think that someday you will meet a guy who will pull you out of the funk that you're in and make you happy?
- Do you think a guy will come along and solve all of your problems – whether it be financial, emotional or physical?
- Do you find yourself typically looking up to your partner? Do you find yourself falling for the professor in college, your boss at work, or someone that you feel has authority over you?
- Do you often get starry eyed over a guy who shows interest in you that you think is out of your league?
- Do you find yourself feeling like your partner is all that, and you really can't understand why he'd even be with someone like you?
- Are you looking for someone to make it all better?
If you answered yes to one or more of these, it's a sign that you may be looking for a man to come along and save you from the life that you're currently living. The truth is that this is a very bad reason to get into a relationship, and it will almost inevitably fail.
The Good News
Nobody is coming to save you.
Why is this good news? Because once we realize that no one is coming to save us, there's a kind of ethereal calming of the soul; a relief, a release of anxiety. Because now you know it's not going to happen, and you can stop waiting and move on with your life.
You can now get to work on making it happen for yourself. You're now in control. Because waiting for someone else to rescue you from your current reality is handing over the reins to fate, and sitting and waiting for something external to happen to you. While this may seem easier, it's actually more stressful, because deep inside we feel stressed when we feel like our lives are out of our control. Taking it on yourself is to take control of your life, accept responsibility for yourself and your actions, and recognize that things don't just happen – you make them happen.
You can now freely let go of the idea that something outside of yourself, something that you have no control over, must happen or change before you can be happy. You can let go of the idea that someday things will be better, and you can start making things better today.
Because the reality is we don't ever really need saving. We may think we do; we may have been brought up amid messages that convinced us to believe we are damsels in distress in need of a wonderful knight in shining armor to come and slay the dragons for us – and that may make for an exciting fantasy, but it's not the stuff of reality. The price we pay for turning over that much control of our lives to someone who may or may not have our best interests at heart is always too high.
I remember all too well when this reality became clear to me. Yet another man, another relationship had let me down, or so it seemed, when in reality, it was just another lesson sent to nudge me closer to embracing my true self, to stop looking outside of myself and start realizing I had it all right here inside me. I was enough! I didn't need anyone to save me. I was no damsel in distress. I didn't need anyone to slay my dragons.
I only needed to find myself to discover that I was enough. In and of myself. And to learn the difference between finding someone to join me as my equal in this adventure we call life versus someone I'd always be looking up to, putting up on a pedestal, losing myself in the process. And that's more real than any superficial knight coming to save me could ever be.
Do The Work
If you want your life to be different, it's time to know that you're in control and that you're fully capable of making the changes that are necessary to make your life different. The first step is in building up your self-esteem and realizing your true worth, your value.
It's in this process of raising your self-esteem and getting healthy for yourself that you change the patterns of your past. Instead of ending up just as unhappy in the next relationship as you've been in prior relationships, with a healthier you, you'll attract a relationship that's both a happier and healthier one. Remember, you need to be healthy before you can be in a healthy relationship.
In the last post I said that you want a partner, not a patient. This time I'll say the reverse – you want a partner, not a therapist. If you have debilitating self-doubt, get the help that you need before you're in a relationship. If you're already in a relationship, get the help that you need outside of your relationship.
Sure, you can rely on your partner for support and encouragement, as you well should, but get the help you need from a professional. If seeking professional help is not practical, due to financial or other reasons, then get yourself some good books to study, and do the work (reading about it alone won't do anything – you need to do the deep work on yourself).
It also helps to find someone outside of the relationship that you can talk to & bounce ideas off of. Maybe it's a friend, coworker, or family member. The important thing is that it be someone who is non-judgmental and trustworthy.
And remember that I'm always here for you also – I'm just an email away.
Next post in this series: Are You Looking for Someone to Complete You?