Where is he? We wonder.
We've done our work, we say.
We've learned more than enough lessons and we’re finally starting to see the role we play in these relationships that aren't the ones we belong on and we’re learning to stop holding on so tight.
But when will he come along? You wonder.
Where is he? You come right out and ask.
You've kept your end of the bargain, is what you’re really saying, with the universe, with God, with whoever it is you’re bargaining with; now where’s your reward?
And there you are. Alone. And it hurts.
It doesn't seem fair. So much work, so many lessons, when is it going to be my turn? is the silent question never far from your lips.
Just move on. Let go.
“I've done that”, you say. But is it possible that, like me, not too long ago, you were expecting to move on to someone else and not to more of you, alone, like before? And is it this new expectation that’s bringing with it a whole other belief system with its own set of “shoulds” and assumptions and new stories that are simply replacing the old?
We think we move on to a who.
All too often we wait for someone better to come along before we take that leap. But it’s actually the reverse that’s true. You move on for yourself. You move on to a what before there becomes a who.
The what that you move on to is a life that’s waiting to be lived. Your life.
I used to fight it. I’d stay in that bad relationship until something better came along so that I wouldn't have to be alone, so it would be easier to give up what little I was getting that seemed like so much at the time.
But it never quite worked that way. The ones who came along were all very much the same as the ones they replaced. Or they were the ones I should have been interested in, but they could never compare to my view of what I was giving up at the time.
The question of whether I was really better off alone would always set in.
I know you wonder that, too.
That it sometimes feels like you've been sold a bill of goods. That it wasn't supposed to be like this. That the right one was supposed to have come along by now.
And I know that you’re so tired of being alone. And going on that blind date. Or getting online “just in case”.
We all have it
If I could spend a day with you, I could tell you exactly what your particular “it” is. We all have one.
It’s the reason behind the reason. It’s what you can’t see because you've been doing it for so long even though you believe you've been doing it different every time.
If you didn't have one, if there was no real reason except that you’re not enough, or there’s something wrong with you, it would be just that simple. But there is one, and you are. Enough and perfect just the way you are, for someone who’s truly right for you. But without this thing that’s holding you back and keeping you where you are.
Find that what that you need to move on to. Peel away those layers some more to see who you really are. To discover what it is you really want, and why it’s so hard to find just that.
I've heard so many women who say they've done it all and tried everything and they know that there’s nothing more they can do to find “him”.
They’re just unlucky, they falsely believe. And so they’re spending all their time and energy fulfilling their own self-fulfilling prophecies. And yet, when I see who they’re choosing, when I see who they’re not choosing, it’s clear there’s some disconnect between who their story tells them they want and who their heart of hearts desires.
Are you the damsel in distress?
Are you the princess waiting to be rescued?
Are you the strong, grounded, responsible one who only wants what you can’t have?
Are you the girl who was never allowed to play and so there he is, the player?
Are you the one who’s still trying to prove herself to someone who only exists in your mind?
Is it the fairy tale you’re stuck in, or is it someone else’s reality that he has to be so much more than what he is?
Who’s doing the choosing for you? Your mother, your father, your sibling, or some other “them” that hold you to a certain type?
What about a different type? What about someone completely different from all the ones before? Have you really tried them all?
Go there. Dig around. See what you find.
And while you’re there, check out your belief system. What do you really believe about love behind the ready answers you give so well?
And while we’re peeling away those well-rehearsed answers, what about those things that stir your soul? What about those fascinations, those passions, those things that won’t be silenced, but have been for so long?
What about all those things you love to do that others who share your values, your interests would also be doing in the places you’d be doing them, too?
What about those random moments in that coffee shop with other connoisseurs, those cozy chairs in the book stores with other book lovers, those times volunteering with animals, children or causes where other like-minded individuals find each other?
What about the whole new world that’s opened up with online-dating? Could all those real-life couples we all know who found themselves through this medium - and would never have come across each other otherwise - really all be wrong?
So much to explore when you see yourself and your world for what it is; opportunities to live, to create, to build, and to grow.
A life without fear, without making it into “finding him” and instead making it about finding ourselves.
Because remember, it’s not about trying so hard. It’s about two people on the same page who want the same thing and are drawn to each other in the living of two lives.
It’s a life. And it only takes one.
What about you? Have you gotten caught up in the trap of constantly searching for your Mr. Right? Tell us about it in the comments! We've all been through it, and we're here to help.