letting go

Moving On After a Breakup

A beautiful woman sits on a park bench thinking about moving on after a breakup Our dear friend K has never felt more conflicted, and is having trouble moving on after a breakup.

Her story:

Hi Jane,

I first stumbled across your blog a couple of months ago after I decided that I needed to have a heart to heart with my boyfriend. At the time, I was really struck by your gentle but steady way of giving advice - it's obvious that you've been where so many of us have been before, and where I am now.

I spoke to my boyfriend then about what I wanted in our relationship - feeling like I was being prioritized in his life at least some of the time, feeling appreciated and loved, needing to know that he cared about me enough to consider what I had to say about us.

All of these things had felt lacking at some point in the last few months of the relationship, and I told him then that if he couldn't do those things for me, we shouldn't be together, that maybe we just wanted different things in our relationships.

Initially, I thought that he really listened to what I had to say. He was more attentive, more loving, more present with me when we spent time together. Sometimes, it felt like the lovely beginning of our relationship all over again.

Fast forward two months, and he's decided to end it with me. He said he's never been so in love, and that he's not even sure that this is the right decision, but that he doesn't know if he is capable of being the kind of boyfriend I deserve.

Jane, I've read many of your articles, and on the one hand, I know that I should recognize that this is him telling me what he can and can't do and that I should be grateful for his honesty. I know I should use this information to move on.

But it's just so hard to let go!

I've never felt more conflicted about a breakup - I really thought that we could be in it for the long haul. The beginning of our relationship was wonderful, truly.

Although I know that I am using the beginning of the relationship as a kind of benchmark for how wonderful things could be with us - if only he would change, if only he would show up for me the way I want him to, if only he could see the potential that I see - I know that this optimism is only in my mind, not his.

I guess I don't know how to let go.

I love this man completely, even though he's sometimes treated me in a way I don't deserve. We weren't perfect together, but many of the memories I'll take with me are beautiful and full of love.

I want to believe he'll miss me in his life now that I've cut off contact but... part of me knows I'll probably never hear from him again, and that if I do, it may be like we're strangers again.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

- K

My response:

Dear K,

Thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad you’re finding a voice that resonates with you here.

And you're exactly right - I have been exactly where you are before and it’s why I understand so well not just the words, but the emotions of what we go through along the way.

It’s why I know there is nothing that keeps us holding on tighter to what if and if only than the strength of the fantasy of our hopes and dreams becoming a reality. Your words echo what so many of us have thought in our own similar situations: “if only he would change, if only he would show up for me the way I want him to, if only he could see the potential that I see - I know that this optimism is only in my mind, not his.”

What you've captured here is exactly that – this is about you.

It's not about him.

You did the talking. He did the listening. He heard what you wanted him to hear.

He did listen to what you say, he did try to be what you wanted him to be – what you wanted the two of you to be. But he found out what he was and wasn't capable of.

He did what he needed to do, based on what he knew he was capable of.

And you found out what you couldn't live with: more of the same.

And so the story of your relationship ended in the only way that it’s meant to: with two people realizing they aren't on the same page and cannot give the other what they really need. They say goodbye, they thank each other for the experience of loving and living and learning together, and they let go and move on to live their own lives and find someone who is on their respective pages. This is how it happens in the logical, practical reality of our minds.

And yet it’s never how it feels when you’re going through it.

Instead it’s about the feelings of a lack of worth and the loss of a dream. It’s about the fairy tale that somehow forgot the happy ending. It’s about the love story in our minds that came crashing down around us in the world of reality. It’s about how close we were to finally having someone to save us from ourselves and give us a reason to live.

Even when it doesn't go that deep, it goes deeper than the reality of true compatibility.

What to do with yourself, K, is to start by wrapping your arms around yourself and holding you through your tears.

You feel what you feel and experience the emotions you experience and no matter how logical an explanation anyone can give you, your feelings deserve to be acknowledged and validated. They need to be acknowledged and validated.

But there’s so much more to do.

You let go by holding on to you. Your life, the people in it that love and adore you, the places that feel like home. The activities that bring you joy. The things you’re passionate about that remind you of who you are and what you have to offer regardless of what someone else can or can’t give you.

Write him a letter, K.

This is for you, so you’re not going to send it, but what you're going to do is write out everything you want to say to him about what you feel in your heart and soul.

And then write one to yourself. Put down the words you want to say to yourself about what happened, about what you wanted to have happen, about why this hurts so much.

Give him back what is his. And take only what is yours. Those parts of you that wanted so much more that you left with him. They’re yours. They're not his.

Letting go is never easy. Moving on after a breakup is never easy.

It’s never easy to let go of what might have been but it’s the only way we get to catch a glimpse of all that is waiting for you today and tomorrow.

It's the only way, K. And you can do it. You can do this. Not for me or anyone else, but for you.

And remember, I’m with you all the way.

Love,

Jane

Should I Wait For Him?

65 Comments

Our beautiful friend Doreen is in a situation where she feels like she is waiting in limbo for her man to make a commitment to her. Her story is below.

Her email:

Hi Jane,

So wonderful to hear from you what an encouragement you are!! I was wondering if you would mind if I shared my story with you!!!

I am 63 years old and my man is 69 years old…….we have been involved for about 2 years now. We met in cyber space in June 2012 and he was mailing me from Spain on a daily basis. He lives 5 months of the year in Spain and the other five in South Africa. He phoned me every night from Spain and the mailing continued by then I had gotten to know him quite well. Anyway the time had arrived for him to return to South Africa in October where we made arrangements to meet. We hit it off the first time we were so connected……and it was like we knew each other forever.

We use to spend time at his house and vice versa and we did everything together and yes we did have our differences but we were very compatible……. there is a very strong bond between us. In February 2013 He had a foot operation due to an old injury and I nursed him twenty four seven for three month’s where I really got to know him intimately……he is not the easiest person to live with as he is a perfectionist, controlling and very impatient. That did not bother me as I love him unconditionally.

He has been very good to me and his a wonderful person with a beautiful heart…….. and has all the qualities that I have always wanted in a man and we have a very strong bond…..however whenever I brought up the question of where do I stand in this relationship he would say I love you very much…….. but I need time and space to decide whether I love you enough to live with you forever. He has always been up front with me but I feel like I am living in limbo. Anyway it was time for him to go to Spain again and he left May 2013. You can imagine how upset I was and still had no idea where I stood with him. He arrived in Spain and never failed to mail me and still phoned me every night from Spain. two months went by corresponding with each other when he finally said I miss you so much and need you by my side and I now realise what you mean to me. I left for Spain on 20^th August all expenses paid and it was the happiest day of my life I was ecstatic!!!!!!!

We had a wonderful time in Spain I was spoilt rotten!! We got closer and closer I was radiant and glowing with happiness. I left Spain In the middle of October and he returned on the 1^st of November. I left my home to open up his and to wait for his return. When he arrived at his home in South Africa I was so overwhelmed by his warmth and tenderness he mentioned I have never missed anyone so much as I have missed you.

I stayed at his home for four months and can honestly tell you that he was loyal to me. By this time we have now spent two Christmases together and he was still not ready to commit he is very indecisive when it comes to making decisions ……. and I always put it down to maybe it’s because he has lived on his own for the last 9 years and set in his ways and had one two short relationships in between but it never lasted.

Jane call it women’s intuition the day I lay eyes on this man I said to myself he is going to be my soul partner. And deep down I still feel that way. He left for Spain on the 18^th May 2014 again……but before he left we spoke about our relationship in depth. And he mentioned that he needs a little more time to make up his mind as this is our last journey so to speak …… and I gave him an ultimatum which was probably the wrong thing to do!! I have given him time until he returns from Spain in October and if he still not sure I am going to walk away from this relationship. I know I will be devastated but I cannot live an emotional roller coaster like this anymore it’s unsettling for me and not to mention what it is doing to me emotionally!!

As I mentioned before Jane I have no doubts about him because I know he loves me and come a long way together. I all most forgot to mention two weeks ago before he left for Spain I happened to walk passed his office and found that his computer was open and saw that he has been mailing a women for the last two weeks there was no romance in his mails to her they were just chatting in general. I was shocked and confronted him and ready to pack my bags!! He was shaking and crying begging me to stay and mentioned that it’s nothing that he was doing this to make sure that I am the one he wants. I told him that it makes no sense and that he was still keeping the back door open. His reply to that was she means nothing to me which I found hard to believe. Needless to say I stayed and I have never got so much attention from him since that altercation. But the hardest part for me is what guarantee do I have that he is not going to meet her as she is on holiday in Spain!! I guess I will never no I’m just going to have to trust him and see what happens.

Jane I love this many deeply!! My question to you is do I wait for him????? I would appreciate it so much if you could comment on my story.

Kind regards

Doreen

My Response:

You have to decide what being with him on his terms is worth to you, Doreen. It sounds like you’re riding an emotional roller coaster with him – and one that he’s more than happy to continue riding with you as long as you’re willing to ride it with him. Such intense highs and lows are so common with men who aren’t comfortable with more of a commitment because they create a space for them to distance themselves emotionally when things get too intense. It’s the reason everything can be so incredibly amazing for a short time, but then it all falls apart soon after, only to repeat the same pattern all over again for as long as you remain a willing participant in this pattern.

The fact that you’re seeing this for yourself is huge, Doreen, because no one deserves to live on an emotional rollercoaster with what it does to you emotionally when you live like this with someone who thrives on this type of lifestyle. It’s no accident that he’s chosen to divide his time between two places; what better way to keep everyone and everything at a safe distance than by actually having to leave each place after a few months for his job! He has the perfect setup.

While I don’t doubt that he has strong feelings for you, the fact that he is still conversing with another woman and defends his actions with an explanation that he needs to know if you’re the one, is an excuse no matter how innocent it seems. You obviously knew what was going on here, too, Doreen, or else you wouldn’t have had such a strong reaction to seeing this and it’s also why his explanation didn’t satisfy you. You always know.

Regarding this woman you've found him to be corresponding with, you have no guarantee that he’s not going to meet her on holiday in Spain. The most telling thing about all this is that not only do you not trust him, you also don’t believe he can give you what you want without you giving him an ultimatum. And that’s why you have two clear options here, Doreen.

You can choose to go with the part of you that loves the lavish attention, the exciting highs and the incredible feelings you have with him when everything is wonderful. You can change yourself, your expectations, your requirements that he needs to meet and make a life for yourself independent of him outside of the times that he spends with you. You accept who he is and what he can offer you as well as who he isn't and what he can’t. You find your peace with that acceptance and no longer live your life trying to get him to change or commit to you. You accept this reality as what you are choosing and let go of what you want from him that he is clearly unable or unwilling to give you. Instead, you make this silent exchange, and choose to find the parts of him that he can’t give you in your own life and in you. You choose this from a place of power where you recognize what you're getting and what you're not but not because he's in control, but because you're the one who's choosing this.

Or you can choose to let him go. You recognize that your expectations and requirements you have of him – of the relationship - are your own. You decide that the emotional lows you’re living aren't worth the highs. You decide that what this is doing to you emotionally can’t be changed by focusing on you, getting out there and creating the life for yourself that you’re looking to him to give you. You decide you can’t live with the uncertainties of not knowing if you can trust him, or if there might be some other woman in some other port of call. You wait or don’t wait for his answer to your ultimatum, depending on whether you want to make your own terms for this relationship or wait to hear his. You realize you’re the one doing the choosing here, and regardless of the time invested and the initial devestation of the loss of him, you come to term with the fact that you’re not willing to live like this anymore.

It’s not his decision; it’s yours, Doreen.

Only you can take back your own power and make the choice that you can live with. You can’t have it both ways without doing more damage to yourself. You have to decide what you want more, because with this particular man, you can’t have the part you want with him without the other part that you don’t want.

As we all discover sooner or later, you can't change him, but you can change you.

What do you think? Do you have any other advice for our beautiful friend Doreen? Tell us in the comments!

Don't Ask "Who's Next?" Ask This Instead

19 Comments

Where is he? We wonder.

We've done our work, we say.

We've learned more than enough lessons and we’re finally starting to see the role we play in these relationships that aren't the ones we belong on and we’re learning to stop holding on so tight.

But when will he come along? You wonder.

Where is he? You come right out and ask.

You've kept your end of the bargain, is what you’re really saying, with the universe, with God, with whoever it is you’re bargaining with; now where’s your reward?

And there you are. Alone. And it hurts.

It doesn't seem fair. So much work, so many lessons, when is it going to be my turn? is the silent question never far from your lips.

Just move on. Let go.

“I've done that”, you say. But is it possible that, like me, not too long ago, you were expecting to move on to someone else and not to more of you, alone, like before? And is it this new expectation that’s bringing with it a whole other belief system with its own set of “shoulds” and assumptions and new stories that are simply replacing the old?

We think we move on to a who.

All too often we wait for someone better to come along before we take that leap. But it’s actually the reverse that’s true. You move on for yourself. You move on to a what before there becomes a who.

The what that you move on to is a life that’s waiting to be lived. Your life.

You move on to your dreams, your goals, your passions. You move on to your hobbies, your causes, your impossibles that become possibles. You move on to the amazing life you create for yourself!

I used to fight it. I’d stay in that bad relationship until something better came along so that I wouldn't have to be alone, so it would be easier to give up what little I was getting that seemed like so much at the time.

But it never quite worked that way. The ones who came along were all very much the same as the ones they replaced. Or they were the ones I should have been interested in, but they could never compare to my view of what I was giving up at the time.

The question of whether I was really better off alone would always set in.

I know you wonder that, too.

That it sometimes feels like you've been sold a bill of goods. That it wasn't supposed to be like this. That the right one was supposed to have come along by now.

And I know that you’re so tired of being alone. And going on that blind date. Or getting online “just in case”.

We all have it

If I could spend a day with you, I could tell you exactly what your particular “it” is. We all have one.

It’s the reason behind the reason. It’s what you can’t see because you've been doing it for so long even though you believe you've been doing it different every time.

If you didn't have one, if there was no real reason except that you’re not enough, or there’s something wrong with you, it would be just that simple. But there is one, and you are. Enough and perfect just the way you are, for someone who’s truly right for you. But without this thing that’s holding you back and keeping you where you are.

Find that what that you need to move on to. Peel away those layers some more to see who you really are. To discover what it is you really want, and why it’s so hard to find just that.

I've heard so many women who say they've done it all and tried everything and they know that there’s nothing more they can do to find “him”.

They’re just unlucky, they falsely believe. And so they’re spending all their time and energy fulfilling their own self-fulfilling prophecies. And yet, when I see who they’re choosing, when I see who they’re not choosing, it’s clear there’s some disconnect between who their story tells them they want and who their heart of hearts desires.

Are you the damsel in distress?

Are you the princess waiting to be rescued?

Are you the strong, grounded, responsible one who only wants what you can’t have?

Are you the girl who was never allowed to play and so there he is, the player?

Are you the one who’s still trying to prove herself to someone who only exists in your mind?

Is it the fairy tale you’re stuck in, or is it someone else’s reality that he has to be so much more than what he is?

Who’s doing the choosing for you? Your mother, your father, your sibling, or some other “them” that hold you to a certain type?

What about a different type? What about someone completely different from all the ones before? Have you really tried them all?

Go there. Dig around. See what you find.

And while you’re there, check out your belief system. What do you really believe about love behind the ready answers you give so well?

And while we’re peeling away those well-rehearsed answers, what about those things that stir your soul? What about those fascinations, those passions, those things that won’t be silenced, but have been for so long?

What about all those things you love to do that others who share your values, your interests would also be doing in the places you’d be doing them, too?

What about those random moments in that coffee shop with other connoisseurs, those cozy chairs in the book stores with other book lovers, those times volunteering with animals, children or causes where other like-minded individuals find each other?

What about the whole new world that’s opened up with online-dating? Could all those real-life couples we all know who found themselves through this medium - and would never have come across each other otherwise - really all be wrong?

So much to explore when you see yourself and your world for what it is; opportunities to live, to create, to build, and to grow.

A life without fear, without making it into “finding him” and instead making it about finding ourselves.

Because remember, it’s not about trying so hard. It’s about two people on the same page who want the same thing and are drawn to each other in the living of two lives.

It’s a life. And it only takes one.

You.

What about you? Have you gotten caught up in the trap of constantly searching for your Mr. Right? Tell us about it in the comments! We've all been through it, and we're here to help.

Find It In You

26 Comments

There’s a reason you’re so drawn to him. It’s no accident he’s the one you've chosen, even if it doesn't seem like it.

And it makes perfect sense that you feel like you can’t live without him, that you can’t let him go, that you need him in your life to live.

I understand completely even though most everyone else you use these words with doesn't. And they don’t understand because they can’t.

But you do, so well.

This reason you’re so drawn to him, it’s because you’re so good at attracting exactly what you need. It’s because you’re such a beautiful loving, caring, sensitive soul that you've found exactly the type of person who gives you a new feeling of confidence and boldness that you, too, can do anything and be anything when you’re around him.

Of course he makes you laugh, of course you’re so happy when you’re with him.

His is the life you want for you! His way is the ease with which you want your life to be lived by you. And he makes it seem so believable, so possible, and so within your reach.

You can let down your guard, stop trying to please everyone, stop caring about what everyone else thinks, and stop being oh so responsible.

You can breathe.

He's almost everything you wish you could be more like, even if you don’t realize it yourself. His lack of caring about everyone else, his lack of needing to please anyone but himself, his ability to set such strong boundaries to keep everyone from getting too close, his attitude of irresponsibility.

He knows what’s his and what isn't and he has no problem separating the two. He may even tell you this is who he is, and people can either like or leave it.

And of course, he’s talking about you here, too.

It wasn't until I finally realized how little I was actually getting out of these relationships, how one-sided they truly were, that I started seeing a pattern to the men I was attracted to and attracting. They were one and the same. They were all various versions of this same theme.

It was because I was always looking for someone outside of myself to give me permission to live the life I always dreamed of. It was because I didn't think I could do what I wanted to do on my own.

It was because I cared so much about what everyone else thought about me and wanted everyone to like me, to approve of me, to accept me for who I was. It was because I feared failure, I feared disapproval, I feared being discovered that I wasn't everything I was supposed to be by the standards I had allowed others to set for me that weren't my own to begin with.

It wasn't until I repeated this same pattern enough times that I was finally able to see what was really going on.

I stopped trying to live off someone else. I started living for me.

I started making a list of everything I wanted to do. I ventured out of my comfort zones. I started asking myself the big questions I didn't think I had a right to ask.

I started looking at me, not him.

I started finding my own way, baby steps at first, not knowing exactly what I was doing, but knowing it was my own right to find my own way.

I stopped apologizing for not knowing.

I started accepting the things that I had always hated about myself.

I stopped seeing my negatives as liabilities and started seeing them as the qualities that made me who I am.

I made a list of things I wanted to work on, things I really did want to change, but I also started to accept where I was and who I was right then as well. And realizing that wherever I was starting from was OK. I realized I had nothing to lose and everything to gain, and the only thing I was wasting by not getting started was my own life.

It was time.

It didn't happen overnight. But it did happen.

Not without doubts and not without fears. Not without so many two steps forward and one step backward wondering if I was doing the right thing or if any of this was really necessary. And not without having those moments where I simply wanted to give up and go back to the old model that seemed so much easier because at least then I didn't have to do this on my own.

But I didn't go back. And I finally found what I had been looking for in me.

I stopped caring so much about everyone else and what they thought of me, and I started living the way I wanted to live my life. I stopped trying to please everyone because I realized I was the only one I answer to and what someone else wanted or needed was their business and not mine.

I started setting strong boundaries to keep myself strong in who I was and keep other people’s issues from becoming enmeshed with my own. I started being only as responsible as I needed to be, and not responsible by anyone else’s standards.

I started knowing what was mine and what wasn't and being able to tell the difference.

I stopped changing myself into what everyone else wanted me to be. I began to live my life for me without listening to that little voice that I was so used to hearing tell me I was being selfish. I finally knew the truth.

Now it’s your turn.

Find it in you.

What does he have that you don’t? What does he give you that you can’t give to yourself? What wings does he give you that you can’t give yourself? What does being with him bring to you that you don’t feel you can do without him? What is it that draws you to him? What need are you trying to fill?

This isn't about proving to yourself you don’t need anyone but you. It’s not about saying no to someone who is on your page and compatible with you. It’s about discovering that you don’t need to settle for a relationship with someone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated simply because you don’t think you can live without him. It’s about giving to yourself everything he gives you so that you can have the life and the love you’re always wanted that’s found in the true living of your own life. It’s about feeling that beautiful confidence of knowing you can do this for you.

You don’t need the halfway version of living vicariously through someone else

Go find the real thing in you.

How about you - what need are you trying to fill with the men that you've been choosing? Share your story with us in the comments.

It's Time to Let Go

50 Comments

As 2013 draws towards its close, like most of us, I’m doing some reflection on the past year.

There's always been something about the prospect of a having a clean slate and a fresh start that has always inspired me. Over the years I've made my share of New Year's resolutions, resolving to do this or that, or becoming more or less of something else.

But one of the things that's frequently forgotten in the anticipation of the glittering promise of the New Year is leaving the past year behind and letting go.

Letting go of what we want to do differently.

Letting go of what didn't work, what wasn't meant to be, of what we can’t change.

Letting go of regret.

Letting go of loss.

Letting go of the fear.

Letting go of so many things, depending on what we're talking about.

We can get so caught up in the getting to where we want to go part that we don't even realize all the baggage we're still carrying around with us.

Because it's only when we let go that we open ourselves up to all that's still to come.

It’s only when we let go that we allow ourselves to move forward instead of backward.

It’s only when we let go that we can see what’s been there all along, but we couldn't see before.

No matter how much we believe we have every right to keep hanging on, no matter how much we convince ourselves that it's serving us well to keep holding on, it doesn't.

It serves us nothing to keep holding on like this to whatever, or whoever, we're holding onto so tightly.

Yes, you may have every right to be angry, you may have every right to be devastated. But where does that get you? What does that do for you, my beautiful friend?

Whatever happened, whatever didn't happen, whatever should have happened according to you, what does holding onto that get you now?

That's right. Nowhere.

It only eats away at you, tears you apart, and leaves you with nothing.

Enough of the past. Enough of what didn't work. Enough of all the trying, the endless second-guessing, the crawling, the begging, the pleasing, the endless beating ourselves up, lamenting what we could have had if only we had done or said something different.

Enough.

We can spin such a very powerful story around why we can't let go, why we have to keep hanging onto this, why we have to keep doing this to ourselves. But we don't.

The truth is it's hurting us.

It's detrimental to our beautiful selves.

When we hang on to what was, we miss out on what is.

When we hang on to what could have been, we can't see what can be.

When we hang on to our story, we miss the new story that's just waiting to be told.

We all have our reasons.

We all have our stories.

What do you need to let go of? Let it go here and now.

I can't explain how it happens, but something changes when we finally let it go. Release it, let it go, and know that, in the long run, it doesn't really matter.

Later, when you look back on your life with the happy heart of your future self, you will see how small this was in the grand scheme of things. You'll see how even this was part of your journey, as much as you don't see it now.

Looking back at 2013, what do you need to let go of once and for all? Share it with us here in the comments as we support each other on this journey of letting go.

Go Where You Are Loved

9 Comments

Why is it that we keep finding ourselves with people who don't love us like we deserve to be loved?

It doesn't matter whether we're talking about our friendships, our acquaintances with co-workers or our romantic love relationships, the point is the same. We're often drawn to people who aren't good for us.

There are so many reasons. Whether it's because of our backgrounds, our internal programming, our belief systems, the way we view ourselves or the false belief that we have to do something to be loved, we keep finding ourselves in that same place we think is the best we can do.

We don't even realize it.

It's so subconscious, most of the time we don't even realize it. In fact, even when we have that twinge of something not feeling quite right deep within us, that feeling of unease or anxiousness that we can't quite put a finger on, we still choose to stay where we are, believing that everything will work out if we just give it some more time.Continue Reading

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Moving On After a Breakup

Her story:

My response:

Should I Wait For Him?

Her email:

My Response:

Don't Ask "Who's Next?" Ask This Instead

We all have it

Find It In You

It was time.

Find it in you.

It's Time to Let Go

Enough.

The truth is it's hurting us.

We all have our reasons.

Go Where You Are Loved

We don't even realize it.

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