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The Dance of Letting Go

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We all want to know the secret to just letting go and not going back. But the reality is that there is no secret. A beautiful woman sits on the floor leaning on the couch with her boyfriend several feet away, in the middle of letting go.If you've found yourself struggling to let go of someone you know isn't right for you, who you know isn't on the same page as you, but it’s just so hard to give up on the dream you had for both of you and you still want to believe in the possibility of a miracle, well, you’re not alone. It's one of the most common questions I'm asked.

How do I let him go? How do I move on? How will I ever get on with my life? How do I finally break free of this hold he has on me? You get the idea.

We all want to know the secret to just letting go and not going back. But the reality is that there is no secret. Each of us comes to it in our own way. We finally come to the realization that what we've been doing isn't working. If that realization means we need to let go of someone that isn't right for us, then we also have our own individual way of letting go and moving on.

And for most of us it looks more like a dance of one step forward, two steps back then a cut and dry ending with no looking back.

We start out standing firm in our newly found resolve, feeling our fresh confidence, then find ourselves falling back, full of new fears and self-doubts that reel us back in again. We get a little stronger each time, repeating this back and forth pattern several times until eventually we come to a point where the clarity is finally there and we see what we have to do.

The exact process is different for everyone based on your own unique situation, but what’s most important is to be gentle with yourself and resist the urge to beat yourself up for taking the long way around. It took you a long time to get as involved as you have; it will take you a long time to get un-involved. And along the way, in this process, it helps to remember a few important things.

  • If it’s meant to be, it will be.
  • If he’s really worth it, you’ll find that out.
  • If he’s not, you’ll see that, too.
  • Sometimes you can still be friends, but most of the time, you can’t be.
  • Do you really want to still be friends? Or is this just a way to hold on to false hope and more of the same?
  • You can always change your mind; if he’s not able to accept a change of heart, this confirms what you already knew.
  • You will eventually be able to let go because at some point things will become crystal clear as you start to see things more objectively.
  • It doesn’t matter how long it takes to let go of someone and move on. Some people can do this in a moment, but for most of us hopeless romantic, optimistic believer types it can take weeks, months or even years.
  • The only reason to speed up this process is to get on with our lives; if we’re not there yet, it’s ok.
  • You absolutely need support to get through this!

I’m sure I’ve forgotten a point or two, so if you’re currently going through this or have already experienced this, please add your additional points in the comments. We all need to know we’re not alone!

The Reason Your Type Is Not Really Your Type

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It starts off amazing, like nothing you've ever experienced before. He says all the things you've been waiting to hear, he does everything that you've been dreaming of. A beautiful woman is wondering sitting in a room looking sad with man in the background.If you are anything like I was back when I was single, you know exactly what your type is. You can spot him as soon as he walks in the room. He's got that certain look, that air of confidence, that vibe that calls you out like no one else in the room. And when the two of you finally talk, finally connect, it all becomes that much more obvious to you: This is it! He's the one! This is your guy! Usually sooner, rather than later. And then you're off, once again.

It starts off amazing, like nothing you've ever experienced before. He says all the things you've been waiting to hear, he does everything that you've been dreaming of, and you find yourself unable to do much of anything else except think of him. It doesn't matter that you barely know him or that you just met; those first blissful days and weeks have you convinced he's different from all the rest.

Except that it hasn't worked out quite the way it seemed. In spite of all its potential – all his potential – here you are once again. Alone and heartbroken wondering what's wrong with you. It was the same story, the same guy, just a different face and name. And even though you told yourself it was going to be different this time, it wasn't.

I have good news for you: It wasn't you. There isn't anything wrong with you. The problem is with who you're choosing, who you're attracted to and why you're attracted to him. Because the reality is this type you're so attracted to isn't working out for more than one reason.

These men you're attracting may seem like your type, but the reality is, they're not. You deserve so much more than the surface relationship they're offering you, based on all the bells and whistles but nothing of the substance that makes up a real relationship. You may think this is what you want, that he's the type who can give you what you're looking for if only he was ready for a commitment or on the same page as you, but the reality is, he's not there and he's not going to get there anytime soon, if ever.

You see, the real you isn't willing to settle for this one type that never works out. The real you knows that there is so much more to love and being in a relationship with someone than this! He isn't looking for the same things you are. This type wants so much less than you know in your heart you're worth! He may want the surface relationship without a commitment, but that isn't who you really are!

This type of guy you're so attracted to isn't real. He's based on a fantasy you have of what a relationship should be like and what happily-ever-after looks like from the fairytales, the movies and TV shows and romance novels we've been led to believe are real. But they're not. A real, committed relationship requires two real people who know the difference between fantasy and reality and aren't afraid to find out if this might be the relationship you've both been looking for!

Deep down inside, you know all this. Every time your type hasn't worked out, and you ask yourself what is wrong with you, your true self knows that this isn't about there being anything wrong with you; but about two people on two different pages who want different things. You can't make someone love you; you can't make someone change. What you can do is get to know yourself, the real you. And take a pass on the type that isn't working. Over time, you'll find yourself less attracted to this type that had such a hold on you before, and you'll learn that it's only when you're with someone real, who's on the same page as you, in a relationship based on the reality of what is, not what you know it could be if only he were different, that you'll get to that turning point where you'll find that relationship your heart has been longing for.

That, my beautiful friend is everything you deserve!

It's Time To Celebrate YOU!

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Loving yourself and recognizing all of the wonderful, valuable, and lovable qualities that make you the beautiful person that you are is the first step to having the kind of love in your life that you've been longing for. A beautiful woman is celebrating herself by giving herself a bouquet of flowers.You're pretty great, no matter what you think about yourself. How do I know? Because everyone is pretty great. We all have our own unique qualities that make us special, interesting, valuable and lovable. It's time to start celebrating those unique qualities that make you you. It's in the noticing and celebrating of our own special qualities that we let the light of ourselves shine out for the rest of the world to see. If we don't see it ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to?

So it's time to celebrate this beautiful woman that we all know as YOU! The weekend is here and there's no time like the present, so let's make this weekend into an impromptu celebration of everything that you bring to the table. Let's get started…

Love yourself

Write down three things that you love about yourself – they can be three things that you do really well (think knitting, organizing closets, putting together beautiful flower arrangements) or personality traits (kindness, generosity, patience). Don't sell yourself short – we all have things that we're good at, the problem is that remembering these things isn't one of them. Sometimes the things that we're good at come so naturally to us that we don't even realize what a gift they are. So if you're having trouble thinking of three – don't despair. Just start with one for now, and pay attention to yourself over the course of the day and think of two more. You'll be amazed at how many things you notice that you're great at!

Pamper yourself

Focus on making yourself happy this weekend. A few ideas:

Immerse yourself. Sure, it might be a cliché, but it's a good one - Draw yourself a nice hot bubble bath complete with some relaxing, rejuvenating aromatic bath salts, candles, soft music (or simply quiet if you prefer), and enjoy a long, hot soak. We are all intimately connected to water, and the feeling of water against our skin is simply renewing. Think of how it feels on your beautiful skin (yes, you have beautiful skin!)

Grab a cup of coffee, a friend, your dog, or just your own inner thoughts, and take an early morning stroll around the park and simply breathe in all of the nature.

Curl up on the couch with your most comforting comforter and read that book you haven't gotten to, watch a movie or catch up on your favorite shows.

The point is to do something you enjoy for yourself, and not because someone else wants you to. This is your time.

Go buy yourself something pretty

It doesn't need to be expensive, it just needs to be something that makes you feel special, feel good. Some pretty new cotton panties, a new pair of simple earrings or some new lipstick or eyeliner are all easy ways to bring beauty into your life.

An inexpensive bouquet of local flowers each week from the grocery store in a vase by your bedside table can brighten up your mood on a daily basis and doesn't cost much.

Put your best self forward

Wear your favorite knock-their-socks-off outfit just to go for a walk or to the grocery store. You can't help but strut your stuff with that air of confidence when you're wearing your hottest outfit, complete with all the accessories. Stop saving it for that special occasion and get some use out of it now!

Another way to feel your best is to wear your favorite lingerie under your everyday clothes even when you're doing mundane everyday things like running your errands. You'll be amazed at how much more confident you feel!

Make a dream list

Make a list of all of the things you've always dreamed of doing, both grand and simple. Wanted to walk on the Great Wall of China? Put it on the list. Wanted to go take a sailing lesson? Put it on there. Wanted to check out the famous theater downtown? Write it down. Then organize your list from most outlandish down to the simplest.

Now go down the list starting at the top, pick the first one that you can reasonably do now, and then go do it this weekend. You'll feel great when you scratch it off the list, and then you can plan another one for next weekend!

Connect with a friend

Call up one of your gal pals and let her know that you're ready for a celebration – just because! You can go out and celebrate each other – make a deal that you will prepare to tell her all of the wonderful things that you love about her in exchange for her telling you all of the things that she loves about you. You'll both feel great afterwards!

Loving yourself and recognizing all of the wonderful, valuable, and lovable qualities that make you the beautiful person that you are is the first step to having the kind of love in your life that you've been longing for. And the best part is, it's completely under your control!

So don't wait another second to start your weekend celebration of the beautiful, radiant, confident woman known as YOU!

Dying Inside

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I love him still so much and I'm so depressed and I don't know what to do. Please for the sake of God help me, I am dying inside. A beautiful middle-aged woman is crying with her face in her hand.Friends, we have one of our beautiful sisters who is literally begging for our help! You can read her question below (edited for readability), along with my personal response, but she is also asking for advice from our community. Please help her by giving her any advice that you can offer in the comments.

Her Letter…

I beg you all to help me. I have been in a relationship for 8 months with a married man who was supposed to be in divorce proceedings. He had a big problem, a sickness, in lying to me all the time. I moved in with him, as he's no longer living with his wife and child, then I discovered from his wife after calling her (I was suspicious so I got her contact info) that she is the one who wants the divorce and until now he didn't. We suspect he didn't want to pay her money rights which is quite a big figure and he can't afford it now. I discovered that he used to call her and go to their home for the sake of his kid no more, but when I asked him he said that he never calls or goes over there, and he just sees his kid at the club!! I confronted him after finding out the truth from her, he didn't utter a word and started saying that it was just for the sake of the kid and that he never planned to return to her at all. I took my stuff and left him and I pray to god never to bless him, I love him still so much and I'm so depressed and I don't know what to do. Please for the sake of God help me, I am dying.

Signed, Strawberry

My response…

Know that you made the right decision, Strawberry, and be so proud of yourself for standing up so strongly for yourself and what you deserve, even though you feel like you are dying inside right now. You deserve so much more than what this married man was giving you, and it's only in standing up for yourself and refusing to settle for this type of treatment of your beautiful self, that you will find the love that you truly deserve.

This is the hardest part; right when you make this decision to leave him. But you will get through this, you truly will, even if it seems so hard and sad right now. Focus on you, Strawberry, and the beautiful woman you truly are, with so much to offer someone who proves himself deserving of you. Someone who is available to you now, not in a loosely promised distant future. Someone who is honest with you that you can truly trust with your tender heart.

Take this time to do those things you never knew you could do, stretch yourself, take advantage of new opportunities and try some new activities that give you an opportunity to meet new people, both male and female, and do new things. Give yourself a fresh new look, update your wardrobe, or do whatever else that gives you a fresh outlook on life, and the confidence that you can do anything. There is so much more in store for you.

Surround yourself with support, from people who truly care for you, and that support your decision, and know that you also have my support and the support of everyone here. This will get easier, over time, so be gentle with yourself. We all make mistakes, we all learn, and we all get to the other side only from learning some things the hard way. You are so not alone, Strawberry, even if it feels so lonely right now.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Strawberry? Please share them with her in the comments!

You Don't Need Permission

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You don't need anyone's permission to be the beautiful, radiant, confident women that you are. You don't need anyone outside of you to tell you it's OK to do anything. A beautiful woman walks radiantly through a field of grass with a scarf trailing behind.We all have times when we feel like I'm just not sure if I can do this, or Who am I to think that I can be like that?

It seems like such a stretch to think of ourselves as strong enough, or good enough, or just enough in general to aspire to actually be or do something outside of our comfort zone.

I felt this so many times when I was single, it was like an old friend.

Who you do think you are that he would choose you?

Why would he want to commit to you?

What could you possibly have to offer him that would make him want to be with you?

It was enough to squelch what little self-confidence and self-esteem I had managed to muster up, and once again I would find that I was looking outside of myself for someone to validate me. Someone to give me permission to be all that I knew deep down inside I really already was.Continue Reading

Having the Confidence to Just Say "Next!"

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She's confident, so sure of herself, that everyone around her knows she's not going to accept anything less than she deserves. So full of confidence. A table card with the word "Next" sits on a white table.
Photo Credit: Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos"

What do you do when you're simply not the type who can just say "next!" when he doesn't call or when he won't give you the commitment you want? I know, it's not you. But you so want it to be.

You know exactly the type. She's got that mesmerizing confidence, so sure of herself, that everyone around her knows that she not only knows what she wants, but that she's not going to accept anything less. She's not going to sell herself short and she wouldn't dream of settling.

But you're not her, and you can only wonder how she got there. So full of confidence and sure of herself.

But what you don't know is that she never used to be this way either. She never used to be able to just say "next!" and let him go like that as soon as he wasn't treating her the way she knew she deserved. She had to learn how to do this just like you are going to learn to do this too, so that one day, you will be the one that everyone looks up to and wonders how you did it, how you got to be this strong and confident in yourself.

It begins with getting a life. It continues with living that life. It gets better with an unwavering commitment to yourself above all else.

It means having enough support for the real person that you are by people who love you and bring you up instead of tearing you down.

It means you know the difference between being alone and being lonely, and you're not afraid of either.

It means you know yourself well enough to like yourself. It means you choose to love yourself because you know you were created as you are for a reason, and you are here at this time and place for a reason bigger than you can understand.

It means you know your worth because you truly understand, and know in your heart that no one is worth more than anyone else. You really get that, and you don't feel the need to prove your worth to anyone. You say yes or you say no, but you don't respond out of guilt because you don't need to feel guilty, and you don't do things to try to please others because you know that the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Real people see though that and don't want a surface relationship like that with you!

It means you set and stick to your firm boundaries, you won't accept bad behavior and you know what that looks like. You know you've set the bar high enough and that you won't let anything less than what you really want slip through. You know you don't ever have to accept anything less than this because you know you control how people treat you by whether or not you allow them in your life if they aren't willing to live up to your standards!

It means you know you deserve nothing less than this and you refuse to let anyone, no matter who they are, treat you any other way because you know it's only in refusing to settle for anything less than you deserve, that you will eventually find only what you do deserve!

Once this has become your mantra, deeply ingrained in you, you will find that you surprise even yourself in how quickly you're able to say "Next!" when a man isn't treating you the way you know you deserve to be treated.

And then everyone will be looking at you, wondering how you got there.

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