This week's letter comes from beautiful Corinne, who tells her story of an on-again-off-again relationship with a man who can't seem to commit.
Here's her email:
My boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 years. We had a beautiful, fun relationship with so much love. The only thing that bothered me was that I always felt as though he was searching for something wrong with me.
Our relationship was really strong for about two and a half years, until things in his life started to change (he was graduating from college, I had already graduated but was staying local for a job). He talked about finding jobs together and moving in together, and sounded really optimistic about it.
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, he broke up with me and really didn't have an explanation.
He came back about a week later wanting to reconcile and told me he was just not ready to move in together, which was fine with me. We were back to ourselves and continued dating, but he left again when he got a job offer and I had to go through a serious surgery, again with no real explanation.
This time he took a few weeks and came back to me, telling me nothing in his life was right without me and that he wanted me to be there through his successes.
I helped him move and we had a blast exploring his new city and things were really great - we were communicating better than ever and he finally told me he wanted me to look for jobs near him and move closer, in my own apartment.
I started getting interviews and last week I looked at apartments while staying with him. He called me on Thursday to make plans with me for the weekend, MADE THE PLANS, and in the same phone call told me he couldn't make our relationship work anymore.
Again, no real explanation.
This has all been so confusing. He tells me in person how happy he is that we're getting stronger and working through our problems, but then hit me with this breakup. Again.
Maybe 12 hours before breaking up with me he told me he was thinking about our dream house someday - why on earth would he say that if he didn't really mean it? He said he doesn't believe that relationships require effort and it should never be difficult. I have been in other long term relationships and I KNOW that they take work and they get stale from time to time and that effort makes all of the difference.
I know that I can't make him see that, but I'm so hurt and so very frustrated. I still love him, and part of me wants to give him time to figure this out, but part of me doesn't think he'll ever be able to handle taking steps forward in a relationship.
Will he ever learn what it takes to be in a relationship, or am I wasting my time and my heart?
-Corinne
My Response:
This, Corinne. This.
"He said he doesn't believe that relationships require effort and it should never be difficult."
This is what he believes. This is his programming. Whether he’s hiding behind it or using it as an excuse, the part that matters to you is that this is where he goes when a relationship requires effort on his part. And since you’ve actually been in real relationships before, of course you understand this.
He, on the other hand, doesn’t. And more importantly, he isn't showing you he wants to.
He bails. He runs. He leaves.
It was easy when he was in college, before he had any real life choices to make that could affect anyone else, namely you. Now he feels responsible.
He doesn’t want to be the reason you move, much less sign a lease. He doesn’t want to bear the responsibility of being the person you’ll blame if things fall apart. He doesn’t want to be the one who couldn’t live up to your expectations even though he thinks he could.
He was there for those past 2 1/2 years just like you, Corinne. He had fun, too. He loved being with you. He enjoyed all those moments you enjoyed, just like you did. He loved the plans, the dreams, the future the two of you talked about together.
But the important disctinction is that he loved the idea of those things more than he could handle the reality of what it means now to actually make them happen.
No, it’s not a lot of work. No, it’s not that hard if the two of you have the type of relationship you describe where you’re both in this together and working toward the same goals.
But in his mind, it’s overwhelming him.
He’s got too many messages coming up for him that he doesn’t know what to do with them. That’s the reason for the back and forth.
He keeps moving forward because it’s easier to keep doing the same thing, until he reaches the roadblock. Then he stops. He calls it off, stops in his tracks and tells you he can’t do this.
There’s your truth.
He can’t do this. And it’s in your absolute best interest to believe him. In fact, it’s the only way he’s going to step up and do anything about different. By realizing he has to. By realizing it’s the only way to keep you.
Believe him.
And believe your own intuition. Every woman who's been right where you are is going to tell you to believe him. We’re all going to tell you that we wished we had believed our own versions of him!
That we’ve lived through the heartbreak of pushing our own gut instincts aside, fearing that the heartbreak of believing him and the actions that needed to follow on our part would be far worse than hanging on for what we thought would just be a little longer, until he had more of a chance to grow up and get his act together.
You know what happened with that “just a little longer”? Ask any one of us. You’ll hear months, years, decades.
So I’m going to make this easier for you.
Believe him now. Take him at his word. The clear words. Not the back and forth words. The clear ones that come through. The actions that support those words you can’t depend on, you can’t plan around, you can’t move forward with.
Believe that part of you that doesn't think he'll ever be able to handle taking steps forward in a relationship. Those are your words.
That’s what you’re sensing from being right there next to him, walking through this relationship with him for the past almost 3 years. You, more than anyone else, know him!
Will he ever learn what it takes to be in a relationship? He might. But that part isn’t up to you.
The only way to show him, convince him, make it clear to him is to the detriment of you.
Why? Because the more you try, the more you invest, the more you make him your project, the less you’re going to find yourself in an equal relationship.
The more you're going to have him resenting you and you resenting him.
Reread what you wrote to me. Reread my response. Ask yourself if you can honestly see yourself signing a lease to an apartment because you just want to see where it goes with him, only to find out days, weeks, months later that he’s breaking up with you for good this time and you’re in a place you only chose for him, in a job you only took to be close to him, and a life you only wanted if you were living it together in a relationship with him. I've been there, Corinne. It loses its fun factor fast!
So please do yourself a huge favor and be honest with yourself. If you know in your heart of hearts that scenario is a real possibility, then you have your answer loud and clear.
I think you already do.
Love,
Jane
Alright, Beautiful! Your turn. I know this hits home with so many of you. She needs your stories, your reassurances, your “been there, going through, got through it!” Let’s share them all with Corinne in the comments below.
Corrine, you are a powerful and beautiful force. You never indicated in your letter that you guys had disagreements prior to the break ups.
Nonetheless, his randomness is a sign that he is very much in his own head, his own imagination, which he deems is reality.
It's hard to change someone's reality or belief system. We try so much , thinking that our love, strength or will is enough to move the mountains of fear that have existed perhaps since childhood.
Go, be free, find more self love and joy. Allow someone who appreciates the wonderful things about you to enjoy you as you also enjoy him. Bam, done....(in time, of course?.)
I have always been someone who hates to give up. I believe I'm giving up on someone when I let a relationship go. I also know by being like that I have slowly lost a lot of confidence and esteem. I think if he tries to come back again and you really see a future with him. Make him show you. Don't just say yes right away. See what he does. Then you'll know if he's worth the time and effort. If he shows you effort and change hes a winner. If not....move on.
Corinne, i think he has very unrealistic expectations about how a relationship should be. Even the greatest and most harmonious relationships take mutual effort and go through some challenging times. I think he wants you to be ok with him not making any effort. He only wants to participate the fun part of the relationship. You deserve someone who makes effort, who doesn't leave you alone, who doesn't come back like nothing happened. You have power to set your standarts. Don't lower them so that you can continue being with him. Let him reach your standarts if he really wants to be with you. You are not asking for too much. You are already making too much effort despite the heartbreak he caused. Don't you want to be loved the same way?
I cannot thank all of you enough for your honest, kind responses.
I am the one who sent this in, and everything you all are saying is making me feel so much better. I am hurt and absolutely crushed. I still love him so much and I still miss him, but you are absolutely right...I do deserve so much better.
I just accepted a new job, in a new city closer to a lot of my friends, and it's in my dream field. I will absolutely take your advice to take care of myself and focus on myself. I am enough for myself and although I want to share my life with him, I understand that cannot happen right now, or possibly ever. I will be okay.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the support.
That's a good move you made, family and friends are very are important, you gonna need all the support you can possibly get from them.
All the best, it's not gonna be easy, but you are better off without this guy, he is a confused soul right now and he might end up making you loose your own focus if you let him.
I'm so glad you reached out, Corinne. There is this and so much more support for you, for your new stepping out, for your new life. I'm so excited for all these new opportunities coming up for you! With a focus on you, on what you deserve, on how much love has your back, there is nothing - NOTHING - you can't do! Keep in touch. 🙂
Why are you fighting for someone who isn't fighting for you? I did this for years with a man thinking it was something about me that was pushing him away. It was him and his fears and his hangups and had nothing to do with me. Finally, it freed me up to find someone who really wants to be with me long-term and isn't playing games!
I'm suffering from a recent break up and I keep thinking that something I did push him away... we weren't together for long and my head keeps speening trying to find what I could have done differently...
it's good to find comfort here, that I'm not alone with those feelings... hope I have your strength.
Oh but you are that strong, Anna. It's only the habit of rehashing that keeps you there. Whatever it was, it's his to own and yours to free yourself of. You don't deserve such a sentence!
I am so sorry you are going through this, Corinne! Jane, Lindi, Sarab, and Angel are all right. Corinne, I spent 15 years with a man who was never fully committed to me or to our relationship and just strung me along, so please trust me when I tell you to get away from this whole situation as fast as you can. It's your turn to run away, but to do so for your sake, for the sake of your sanity, your self-respect , your dreams and goals.
This guy needs a swift kick in the butt! He is a selfish jerk and needs to grow up!!! Corinne, please don't waste any more of your time with this guy. If you want a committed relationship, someone to share your life with, it's just not this guy. My heart breaks for you, Corinne, as you deserve so much better than this guy is giving you.
There really seems to be a lot of these types of people around, people that think that the whole world revolves around them and they don't need to be held accountable for how they treat others. Don't take him back, Corinne. You deserve to be treated with respect and treasured, not put on a shelf whenever this guy changes his mind.
This is a clear one. Relationships are always perfect according to him? He's in for a rude awakening in his life. But that's his business. Not yours, Corrine. Do yourself a huge favor and focus on you. Your goals, your dreams, who you are. He's not you and your life doesn't revolve around him. It's easy for us to get lost in another person's mess, but this is your cue to refocus and reassess. Don't move because of him. If you ever move, do it because of you and your plans, no one else's. Remember that how your experiences turn out is your responsibility. Things that are not your fault will happen, but it's up to you how to handle them. You already have all the info you need. He's wishy washy and he's disrespectful towards you with his inconsistency . This is who he is. Is this what you want for yourself, for your life? I'm not you, but I'll take an educated guess and say it's not.
Don't do anything now. Just focus on you, your own thing, your own family and friends and let him go. Get clear within yourself. It's the only way people stop messing with you.
Well said Jane. His actions and words say it all and its time to actually say I believe and understand what you are saying but I want more. Dont compromise and dont be a door mat to him. Think about what your soul wants and honour that. You deserve the life you want. Only you can give it to you, once he knows you are serious he can decide. Be strong girl. Its tough but honestly best to clear this hurdle now, not in 5 years time when you want to have kids etc and he still has not got his act together. It is painful but be brave. The universe will honour your honesty to yourself. You have given him enough time to show up. He still has not. Pay attention to that.
"the universe will honour your honesty to yourself " - I love that 🙂
Me, too! 🙂
By Corinne Am really sorry about that, but the truth is he doesn't know what he wants You might be wasting your precious time and your heart will be always bleeding . Just let it go because he is unstable and he mighty be using you. Thanks