One of our beautiful readers, who has chosen to call herself "Always Baby", or "AB" for short, has been in a long term on-and-off relationship with a guy who just can't seem to truly commit.
Here's her email:
I am 40. I met my boyfriend when I was 36.
We were together for a few years, split for 12 months, and got back together. We have now been back together for over a year.
My boyfriend told me on the first date he would never fall in love again, he would never marry again, and that was that. Maya Angelou says when people tell you who they are the first time, listen.
I should have.
Our chemistry was amazing..the date was planned around my loves (a play, dinner at the most romantic place)...the banter between us, sexual tension, instant connection--it was all there.
So I dated him.
The process of our relationship -- dating, to committed in regards to being his girlfriend took almost 7 months...and slowly, it hasn't grown much. We broke up when he took Chantix to quit smoking. It had horrible side effects on him including a withdrawal from life, passion, intimacy, his child who he has primary custody of, his personality -- he just became a depressed, dark man. I tried to stay with him. He eventually cut me out.
I thought about him every single day for that year that followed.
We ran into each other a few times. He looked drained. Sick. 10 years older.
I was taking care of myself -- kick boxing classes, dancing with friends on Saturday nights, etc...but I still loved him. I dated a bit but nothing serious or remotely close to what I had with him. I would think I will go on this date and feel better. I would leave nearly in tears and frustrated with how much I missed him.
I am normally the girl who takes very little crap. When I walk, I walk. I have expectations of the men I am romantic with...but with this guy, I have never had that stand.
It has taken me years to get to where I am with him today.
He still hasn't said he loves me. He has admitted that he does...and he will work on saying it...but after four and a half years, he still doesn't say it. He was married for over a decade, and with one woman the majority of his younger years -- then he had a rebound for six months and then seven months later, he met me.
He is very traditional (still opens my car door even at gas stations), very good old boy southern manners, an amazing primary care giver to a daughter, a hard dedicated worker at his job, etc)...he is a good man, but he certainly hasn't let me in.
He is quiet. I am not.
I have recently learned to be quiet long enough and he will talk. We went away to a cabin for a get away together and he told me some family secrets -- I get more than I am sure anyone has ever gotten with him but it is not enough.
The trip above was rare. It was the first time in years he spent more than an entire day with me. He has his daughter six nights a week and he is overly protective.
He blames himself for the marriage going south, leading his ex to stray, and therefore carries guilt about his daughter's split home...I have seen this guilt go from tears in his eyes when mentioned to dealing with it more effectively -- but nonetheless he is so protective over her that he won't blend families.
He also works -- a lot.
He puts work and her (as he should) before me every single time. After four and a half years some of our date nights are him coming in late from travel ball in a different state, and talking for a few hours before crashing for him to leave at 6 for work the next morning. (He works seven days a week)....
He has very little time for me and at the cabin we discussed this. He said he needed me. (Big sh** for him to admit), that he planned to marry me and wanted to keep me, and he would blend our families soon.
Although some of those statements are BIG for him, and he is a man of few words who always says it when he means it, and only when he means it, and one who takes commitment seriously in an age where many people no longer do -- it still translates into weird boundaries (which he does admit to the past year or so), as well as an emotionally unavailable partner...
I recently bought a book on this topic -- a self help him and her book and asked him to highlight areas we could talk about and I would read it too. He did agree. And works on it with me but not with the dedication he could.
I am always his Thursday/Saturday date. He would never stray or cheat however he is fairly absent in my life. I am lonely with him. . .
I know he takes me for granted. I am always here...he gets a loyal, committed, loving, faithful girlfriend who he puts little energy and time into. I am always the last priority of the three...as I told him, I am never in your front seat....I am in the trunk.
I would like to stay in this relationship..everything else is magical. But without this element we really don't have a relationship, do we? : ( I do know I need to make some changes...and allow him to chase me. I need to be busy on myself right now...and stop campaigning my value and worth to him.
My friends say he's a great guy blah blah but until I walk, he won't every truly show up.
I have seen his growth..ability to express emotions, etc. but he still isn't present fully.
So frustrating. So hurtful. So stunted.
AB
My Response:
Dear AB,
I'm glad you're here.
You've come to the right place. It's the one safe place you can know your pain will be understood. Your frustration will be felt. Your sadness at this situation that shows oh so much potential but in reality, only leaves you lonely with him will be shared.
You're not alone here. Even as you're alone with him.
No, he isn't really yours. And as much as you've seen his growth, you know he's still miles away from where you are – and where you want to go.
Because, as you say, without this element, no matter how magical everything else may be, what do you really have?
That's what you have to settle within your own heart and mind, AB. This one isn't going to come from him. It can only come from you. He's told you where he stood from your first date, and while his words and actions along the way may have given you some reason to hope that you might somehow be enough to change him, the reality is that not much has changed.
Your friends see this. And anyone who reads your words sees this, too.
And so do you, in your heart.
It's never as clear when it's you. When your heart knows what it wants so badly, yet it knows what it wants can't only come from you.
Will he truly show up if you walk away? Maybe.
But if he only shows up in that kind of space that comes from walking away, that tells you so much about who he really is - and who he isn't. Someone who needs that kind of space. Someone who can only give you as much as he has. Someone who considers the way things are as enough for him. Someone who's only looking for what you've got.
Yes, you can have him. You can keep him in your life. You know exactly how to do that.
Lower your expectations, settle for what he is capable of giving you, accept him for where and who he is, and don't try to change him or manipulate him.
This is who he is, AB.
Regardless of how you got here – how do any of us ever really understand how we get here when we look back at the path we took that we said we'd never take again - except that it happens to the best of us.
Because it fits with what we equate as being "love", because it taps into a trigger that takes on a life of its own when it becomes unfurled, because we are, after all, the always believing type of human beings that we are.
Because you're you, AB.
Beautiful, vulnerable you. Vulnerable to the things that only you know about.
There's nothing wrong with you; there's only this distaste we have for having to be the ones to choose what we don't want to choose. For having to accept what we don't want to when that pull – his pull – is so strong.
We get so stuck romanticizing it, making love out of nothing at all, making a committed relationship out of a connection that's anything but.
But at the end of the day, if all you are is lonely and alone when you're supposedly with him, if all you are is longing for him to be different than he is, or you spend all your energy looking for what still isn't there that you have no energy left to spend on you, then it's time to take a look at what you really have.
If it's enough, let it be enough, regardless of what you've heard, regardless of what "they" say, regardless of what anyone tells you it "should" be like.
There's only you and him.
Your friends aren't in your relationship; you're the only one there with him.
If you can live with his terms, his words that he doesn't want to fall in love again, doesn't want to marry again, and can only give you as much as you've gotten to in these four years, then let that be enough. It only matters that the two of you can live with each other and where you stand.
But if you can't, if these differences weigh as heavily on you as they appear to here in your words, if you can't truthfully accept him who he is and still accept him in this role in your life, then give yourselves both the courtesy of setting each other free to find someone who will.
You deserve to have what you want, AB, and so does he. Whether with you or with someone else.
The choice is yours.
But don't pretend you can do this – that you can happily live like this if you honestly can't. Don't pretend you can let whatever chemistry you may have preempt this one essential element. You hurt yourself so much more in the long run when you're only participating in a facade.
I know it's never easy, but I know you'll make the best decision for you. It's why you found your way here. Because you want to. And you will.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other encouraging words or advice for our beautiful friend AB? Please share them with us in the comments!
I'm sorry you are going through this but you will be stronger and clearer as a result of standing with yourself and for yourself.
I identify with your situation. I was in a relationship that took a lot of head space and not
getting my needs met.
I did end it and now I am a different person. I'm grateful for the courage to walk away and I'm attracting new wnd wonderful men into my life but also feel very secure and happy being on my own.
I wish you strength to take care of you mentally, physically and spiritually.
Peace,
Suzanne
Thank you for these words for AB, Suzanne. They're so inspiring. We never know who we're going to become - and what beautiful things are out there waiting for us - until we take that step!
AB,
I can relate to most of your story other than the age difference. I am 28 and my boyfriend was 42. I recently ended things with him for all of the reasons you stated above. I wanted to move forward and I always felt like I was taking a backseat to his work and softball life. I later in the relationship found that he had some abuse issues as a child and after that everything really made a lot of sense. Logically I know that he is not right for me at this time, even after 3 years together, but that doesn't make me wish he was. It's been almost 4 months since the breakup and my heart and emotions are on a rollercoaster. I went no contact with him for 45 days at the beginning and then we started to talk again. He told me he was continuing in therapy because he wanted to be the man I needed...it's now 4 months later and no real change. I have again gone NC and i've heard through the grapevine he is deeply upset over it. The problem is, there are ways he could contact me if he really wanted to...he hasn't tried. I don't think he will try. I have been focusing on myself and trying my best to move on. I am in therapy myself to work through his childhood abuse issues that caused me pain and everything else that has gone along with this. Relationships with the non-committal man tend to make us feel like we have something wrong with us. AB it's not you, it's him and I know that statement doesn't help your situation but just continue to tell yourself everyday you are beautiful, and lovable and you deserve someone who makes you an equal priority in his life. I wish you the best and I hope for both of us, you get some closure and help on moving on so that you can learn to be happy, with or without him.
Thank you for sharing your own story here, Michelle. When you've been there, you understand like so few can. You're doing all you can. You're getting help, you're doing what you need to do for you, you're choosing you no matter how much your heart is breaking. No, it's never about you, only him. We only feel like there's something wrong with us, but there never, ever is. "... he hasn't tried". These three words say so much. If he hasn't tried, why do we?
Greetings,
The day of acceptance will come when you realize you are truly a beautiful bright star.
A high value woman chooses!!!
This is a snippet text I sent to an ex lover who thought I was going to be his forever fallback girl.
Blessed Uprising. I choose to live by my choices, not by chances; to be motivated, not manipulated; to be useful, not used. I choose to excel. I choose self-esteem; not self-pity. I choose ME. 1 Love Always...
His response was k, I wished I cared.
My response was I do care and that is why I choose ME.
Love the life you live. Live the life you love.....
Beautiful, Sharri. Thank you so much for sharing.
Yes, my heart goes out to AB too. Regardless of what advice she is given, she's have to come to terms in her own heart what she is willing to accept or not. I hope for her sake that AB is able to see for herself what she needs to do. I would rather be lonely alone than lonely with someone. I've been in that situation and being lonely alone is far better.
Taking time to love ourselves is wonderful therapy for the body, mind and soul. I'm beginning to see this more every day, and I pray that AB will discover this too. She came to the right place for love and encouragement. May the Lord bless her richly in the days ahead.
Exactly, Anne-Marie. Thank you. It's always about what each of us can live with and what we can't, regardless of what anyone else says or does.
Learning the alphabet of life, AB....
Thank you all!
Glad this resonated with you, SB!
All I can read here is a woman who's unhappy but who keeps making excuses for the guy who doesn't give her what she truly needs and desires. It seems to me she's not really clear on what her true, heartfelt desires are and that's why she's sticking around a man who clearly is uncapable of adding to any happiness she could build for herself.
Only she knows what beliefs she's holding, but from where I sit, it doesn't look good, no matter how "magical" she says things are.
I hope God shines light on her path to choose life and happiness for herself above all else.
Oh the power of clarity, Angel. When we first become clear ourselves on what we can live with and what we can't, our answers become so clear!
Poor lady. I can relate. It's like we always want to make it work no matter what, show the guy we're amazing (because we are) dedicated, there for him, while almost always we hardly get anything back. Why are we meeting men like these??
After 1.3 years my ex broke up with me , I knew after 8 months we shouldn't be together and yet I was there, doing my best! I felt sorry for him. He was emotionally unavailable, one thing among lots of other problems he had with women and with himself. Why I can't break up with a guy when I know it's not going to work, I'll never know. But what happened was that I got over him so fast I felt relieved!
And shortly after, I got introduced to a new guy who is exactly the opposite of him!
But I noticed a slight pattern: Work. He is also very busy with that, especially now that the company's project is coming close to an end and really have to push hard. I have been patient, I kept going over to his place to be together (we would watch something when he would take a break) He told me i'm a very good girlfriend. I am with him for almost 7 months, I hope things won't stay like this forever and maybe even have a life together at one point.
Before I met him I went over in my head to list the good qualities I have and what i can offer; then I told myself I'm looking for someone who wants to have a life together, in a loving and a positive relationship where we both contribute equally, give and take etc.
But why are we meeting people who can't give that to us, Jane? it doesn't seem fair.
Elisia don't settle for what you do not want just to have a boyfriend. Think about this, "you are waiting on him to come around, get it together, find out what he wants, etc., you have missed so many opportunities waiting on NOTHING", Create some happy memories and let him be where and who he is!!! Busy gurl bye!! YOU GET BUSY with Elisia!!!
Beautifully said, RealDavis. Thank you.
We all have a story, Elisia. Find your story, and you'll find your answers there. When we believe we know what's fair, when we think it's about doing our best, we miss the point of what we're here to learn. Give someone a chance to give something back to you! Love is not meant to be so one-sided, and you're not meant to be a martyr. Look at your beliefs about what it means to be a "good girlfriend". Look at what you believe about your role - and about his. We meet the men who we choose to meet even when we don't realize that's what we're doing. There's always, always a reason within us to be found. Take back your power, find your beautiful you, Elisia. Choose you! That's when the men you're looking for start appearing; when you catch a glimpse of your true beautiful self!
Thank you, I appreciate both your feedback. I give him credit, he has been trying despite the sudden busy schedule. I'll see what happens after things calm down.
You're welcome, Elisia. You always matter here!
Sorry did not mean to call you Jacki, AB!!
AB, you deserve so much better than this. The saying that women think with there head before they are intimate and men think with their head after. A saying that my mother told me along time ago, "when you step out of mess do not step back in it because then it will stink" (that was the nice version). I had never went back until the last relationship I kept walking away, then going back. It got stuck worse every time I went back. Jacki let someone else deal with the foul smell!! Go back to taking care of Jacki. Life is short!! Create happy memories and leave the past where it is in the past!! LIVE!! LAUGH!!! and LOVE YOURSELF!!
So true, RealDavis. As hard as it is to see when we're in the midst of the going through.
I feel your pain. We as women I feel, are more open minded than men. I found once a man has his mind made up you really can't change their mind. They may try for a while, but they revert back to their old ways. Consider yourself lucky that you are not married to him. I was for 11yrs and we are getting a divorced. I am also much older too. My husband has 3 children. I helped him raise 2 of them. He actually changed for the better for the first few years than everything went south. We didn't rush into marriage either. I dated him for 5 yrs. The red flags were there from the beginning. I just chose to ignore them. I also felt like the last one on the list and very lonely. Also a rescuer. When things went wrong, I approached him one day and said to him, "I feel you don't care about me anymore". His response was "We had a good 15 yr run". And that was it. Something I learned from this is that people come in your life for a reason. I grew from this. I don't think I was put in his life for him, I feel I was really there for his kids. I was a mother to them and instilled values in them. I have lost touch with them since this whole thing happened. I just hope what I gave them will help them through their life.
In the beginning I begged him not to leave. I so resisted this until I finally let go and focused on myself. Best decision I ever made. I am a much stronger person for this. It has made me more aware of what I am looking for than trying to please someone. And not ignore those red flags. I am very grateful for what I have now and for the people that are in my life that have helped me through this.
It's been almost 5 yrs and I haven't dated anyone. I needed the time to get to know me. I did recently go on a date. Had a nice time, but it didn't work for him. Struggle a little with it, but not devastated. I know I will bounce back.
Everyone's situation is different. If you feel you can still live this type of life with him, I wish you the best. But if you can't, get out now or ask him to get professional help. If he resists the help than he doesn't care enough about the realationship as you do. Both of you need to be on the same page. Don't worry about if you walk away he won't follow. You deserve better. Give yourself some grieving time if you do, than begin to work on yourself and get to know you and love yourself. I won't lie, it will hurt, but you will be better off in the end. WISHING YOU WELL.
Thank you for adding to the conversation, Jacki. Your words for AB mean so much when you've been there and understand her pain. We can all look back and see things so much more clearly when we have the gift of hindsight. But when we're going through it, we rarely have that kind of clarity. Know that his children were touched by having you in their lives. And yes, we grow from these experiences in more ways than we can ever know at the time.
Sounds like many of us have a similar story. I have one comment to make, which I may receive negative feedback for. If you are as madly in love with this man, as you sound, (and I am relating to your story with my former boyfriend of 4.5 years); and you feel that you will not be able to replicate the connection with another person, than you have two choices as I see it. You can stay with him because you feel that you cannot live without him, and realize he will probably not change very much, but may subtly. Or you can end the relationship and feel like I do. Pretty much dead every day. A third choice would be to meet a new person, but if you are like me, that isn't even an option.
oh Nancy, thank you for being so honest! My heart goes out to you as you go through this. This is why no matter what advice our friends, family, and even well-meaning strangers are so quick to offer us, we each have to do what we ourselves can live with. It's the advice you won't hear anywhere else, and it's why so many of us have found our way here. Don't settle for a life without options, Nancy. Find those options for you, not for anyone else, but for you. No matter where you've been or what you've been through, there is always hope, no matter how hard it is to see this right now.