One of our beautiful readers, Kat, was in a wonderful long term relationship with a great guy, only to have it all fall apart as soon as she told him she was ready to take things to the next level - sound familiar?
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I am a big fan of your website and read your posts regularly. I am trying to follow your advice and move on from a man I thought was "the one", but I am having a very hard time.
We were introduced by a mutual friend. Initially I thought he was nice, but I wasn't really interested.
I went out on a couple dates with him and didn't feel much of a spark.
We didn't speak for awhile after that. About a month later, I happened to see him out again and this time we really hit it off.
I decided to go out with him again.
Something just clicked with us. He was fun, polite, picked flowers for me, told me how beautiful I was, was very attentive and ultimately became my best-friend as well as a boyfriend. He was 39, and like me, had no children but loved dogs.
Here I was 38 years old, and beginning to think I was going to never meet the one, and I felt like I had finally found him.We spent most evenings together and usually weekends.
It was easy. Relaxed. No drama and I completely trusted him with my heart.
After ONE year of dating which for the most part was almost perfect - we still enjoyed each other, never fought and regularly did things with each others families - however, I began to get concerned.
He was perfect in my eyes, the relationship couldn't be better, we had met the parents, etc. But why did we never talk about the future?
He had been married twice before and I knew he had some issues stemming from that, but he had always said he would consider getting married again. The relationship just seemed to stall. It was still great, but not going anywhere.
So I asked him his thoughts on moving in together possibly. He said he'd consider it. A few months went by and nothing had changed. I was starting to feel like he didn't love me as much as I loved him.
Since the "moving in" discussion, he seemed different. I brought it up again and he essentially said I love you but sometimes I worry that we are too different.
Wow!
He had never said that to me before. I was crushed.
In my eyes it was the ideal relationship and in his eyes there were problems?? We got into our first ever argument which ended up with me in tears and him saying he just needed some space. I told him I know what I want. You need to figure out what you want.
We did the space thing for two weeks and it was so hard. Eventually he called and said he had missed me and I said I had missed him too. We got back together. I thought that he had realized he DID need me and want me in his life and that he loved me too much to let me go.
But things were different.
I noticed that even though we were back together, he stopped telling me "I love You".
He didn't bring me around his friends as often as he used to and always had excuses when I asked about seeing his parents. I had thought the point of the "break" was to realize what we lost, and be more in love than before. But it was the opposite. It was like we were starting completely over and the wonderful first year we'd had never happened.
For the next 6 mos. it was like that- with me trying to be optimistic and hope in time, he would be back to the way he was before.
But I obviously wasn't happy and I'm sure I became more needy because he wasn't the same person he was before. We actually broke up again for a month, and then got back together with the same results.
Nothing changed.
If I tried to talk to him about it he would shut down and say "I just don't think I can make you happy." But he could. He DID once. He even said I was a great person and I deserved to know what the future held, but at the moment he couldn't promise anything.
We stayed together through the holidays and then in January he told me over the phone that he was sorry, he couldn't date me or anyone. That we were both good people but we are different. Neither is wrong or right.
I was crushed. But I accepted it because I was not going to beg and plead.
I went no contact after that call in January. Then in April, maybe because my anger had subsided, I began to miss him more. I sent him a text asking if this break-up was what he wanted and if he was happy. I was not happy and surprised that I still missed him so.
He wrote back and said his thoughts on us had not changed, that he still thought I was great, but we were just "different". He wished me best of luck in the future.
I was very upset, rejected, confused and hurt. What did he mean different? The first year was amazing. I began to blame myself for bringing up moving in together because that's when things changed.
I am so sad. I feel so ALONE.
I've never had feelings like this about any man. He was the first that I could see a future with - kids, marriage. He was my BEST friend.
I sent him another text a few weeks later. I said I still missed him and he didn't need to reply. I just wanted him to know.
He never replied.
So now I'm trying to get over it and him. Its been FOUR months and I still cry about him almost daily. I don't understand how something that started so perfect ended like this.
Neither one of us had done anything bad or wrong. Usually there are major problems in a relationship before it ends. Constant fights, lack of trust, etc.
We never had that problem.
The only problem we had was that I wanted more than he could give. How do I get over and move on from this love of my life? I just turned 40 and can't believe I'm starting over yet again.
Thanks,
Kat
My Response:
There's a part we miss here, Kat.
It's the part we don't see. His part.
Only he knows what was going on for him during that year. It may have seemed so perfect to you, but from what he's said to you, it's clear there was more going on for him. So much more.
There was a reason he didn't talk about the future. And there was a reason you were the one to initiate those conversations about moving things to the next level.
Look back to where you first brought up moving together. What did he say? That he'd consider it.
And when he didn't get back to you with an update, you were the one who needed to bring it up again. And that's when he threw out the "different" part. And then you had your first argument ending with him saying he needed space.
That was you finding out more about him, getting to know him better.
What you had in that first year, was the perfect relationship for him. As long as it stayed that way. As long as you didn't bring up the future. As long as you didn't talk about moving things to the next level, and especially not "moving in".
Once you introduced those ideas, it changed for him, not because there was anything wrong with you talking about what was obviously important to you, but because it changed your relationship for him.
Suddenly, more was required of him. More than what was working so well for him, and seemingly, from his vantage point, for you as well.
And as hard as it is to understand this, Kat, there are some men who don't shift into the next level very well. Some men operate perfectly at the "commitment with no commitment" level. Some men are content to stay there for as long as you'll let them. Until you make it known that you want more.
That's when it matters what page you're on. And that's when you find out very quickly if both of your pages are the same.
He wasn't there.
Not because there's anything wrong with you. Not because you were wrong to say what you were looking for. Not because your expectations of what would happen after such a "perfect" year together were wrong to have.
But simply because you both were looking for two different things.
Don't take this all on you.
You're taking responsibility for the both of you, when there's no right or wrong here, there's just what pages you're on. You may look back and think that it could have been so different if you hadn't said anything or said something different, but in the end, if two people are going to get together for a real relationship, they've got to actually get together!
And that's why he has nothing more to say to you than he wishes you well. Because he knows where you are.
He knows what you want.
But he's not there.
I know it's so hard to get your head around this, Kat. Especially when it was so perfect, especially when it seemed to have everything that a real committed relationship takes. But this is one of those times when looking at the reality of what he is and what he's capable of – and what he isn't – needs to trump any fantasy of what could be.
It's time to let go of the dream – with him.
Those tears you cry are worth their weight in gold, Kat. They're a testament to how much you love, how much you care, how much you can give, and how much you feel. It's not your fault that he's not there.
You can't fix this one for him.
You've done all you can. You've said all you can. You've heard me say that when the only thing left to give someone is space, and you give him that, and he doesn't make any attempt to fill in that space with him, you know what you've got.
I want you to picture your life with him. The way he is now, not the way he was then. This is who he is when it gets real.
Is this really how you pictured it? Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?
You're worth so much more than a fantasy of what could be or what might be, Kat. You're worth something real. Not someone's potential. And not less than you deserve when it comes to commitment if that's what it is you're looking for.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other thoughts, advice, or words of encouragement for our beautiful friend Kat? !
hie.
correct me if I'm wrong I understand men get pissed off if a woman initiates progress like marriage and commitment. maybe you should have let him be the man. experience has taught me that men commit more if you pretend not to have a life which revolves around him. I think next time you ought to wait for him to initiate commitment and pretend to have another life #just saying.
I don't feel like it was a bad idea to ask him to move in. I am not sure if it is a good thing, but I always have time lines set in my head. I feel like at my age, I don't want to wait years before moving in etc., - I'm not in college anymore. I know I want kids, family, someone to come home to and discuss my day with, and life events. In my head, if we are happy and truly in love, I expect by 1 year I should be able to ask the guy if he wants to move in. If he ends the relationship because he is not ready, then ultimately that his loss, and I don't want to waste anymore of my time with someone who does not want the same things as me.
My last ex-bf - ran for the hills when I asked him about moving in. Now after a year and a half he wants me back but I have moved on.
I am now with my current bf. I made it clear early on, that I wanted to have kids, family, etc. - I didn't want to spend my time again with someone who was not interested in the same things. It has been a very slow process with him. 6 months till I met his kids, 9 months till I met his parents. I asked about him moving in about 2 months ago. 1 month later my roommate moved out. I asked if he wanted to move in or if I should look for a new roommate. He stated he wanted to move in. I read and talked to friends about how to slowly get kids used to moving into my place, etc. I've shared all of this information with him. It's been a month and a half, and there has been no movement, with him moving in, or getting the kids used to my place.
I asked the other day again, about what his plan was, and basically stated he needed to start thinking about a plan. He said he would, and jokingly asked if I had a time frame in mind. My response, "Um YES". "I'm not waiting forever". Basically I explained that I love him very much, but I am not waiting around forever for us to take the next step.
He hasn't ran yet, but not sure if me setting time frames and expectations is a good idea. Any thoughts about if this is a good idea or bad idea?
Own what you need, Portia. You won't have to ask if you first get clear yourself on what is reasonable expectations. The trouble we get ourselves into is when we don't know what we want, when we don't know that we even have that right, and when all this ambivalence and uncertainty comes through on our end. Instead, decide what you can live with, what's reasonable to you, and then live that out in your life. It sounds like these men aren't sure either, but they become more sure when it feels like they have a certain timeline to live up to - yours - instead of being able to initiate that timeline themselves. But if you're clear, if you let them know by your words and your actions and by not rushing too far ahead into the relationship before you've gotten to know them well enough to see that you're both on the same page, it will become more of a natural process than one where you're having to initiate next stages.
At this point, if you can take a step back and focus more on you and your own life and give him a little space for him to do more of the initiating, you'll give him a chance to take on the role he's made for. You've already let him know what you want, so the ball's now in his court. Your time and energy - your YOU - is worth so much more than waiting around for him to decide what he's ready for; live your own life, keep your options open so that he can have the space to take it from here.
Thank you! That helped a lot. I know what I want, and have made it clear. So you are right the ball is in his court. Time for me to take a step back and see what steps he takes. I have a time expectation in my mind. If its not met, I'm moving on... 🙂
i earn so much from your emails and here Jane! thank you very much for guiding my lost soul in dating
aw, thank you, Blessings; I'm so glad. Your words mean so much!
Jane,
After posting my comment to Kat last night, I realized that I had forgotten to thank you for all of your wisdom and inspiration. Thank you!!! I have read many things that you have written, but this last email hit home with me. When you said, "Some men operate perfectly at the commitment with no commitment level." My ex boyfriend did just that. Hind sight being 20/20, I can now see all of the red flags that were there that I chose to ignore. I don't want to have another relationship like that. Too much pain involved. I am in therapy and trying to educate myself, as I don't ever want to have to go through this again. I am doing the online dating thing and have been able to use some of my new knowledge already in my interactions with men on there. It seems like there are so many men out there that really don't want a commitment, just a friend with benefits. Ugggghhhh!!! I know what I want and won't settle for anything less this time!!! I am not young... I'm 54. I would like to find that man that I can grow old with, the one who can give to a relationship as much as I'm able to give. I haven't given up hope yet, although it does become depressing at times.
Anyway, thank you again for all that you do. Your words of wisdom have been a blessing to me!!!
You're so welcome, Cindy. I'm so glad you're getting so much here. And remember not to be so hard on yourself. Hindsight is always 20/20!
Wow. This email from Kat hit home with me!!! I went through much of the same thing except our relationship lasted 2 1/2 years. All was great until I started talking about marriage. To make a very long story short, it ended very abruptly with him saying that he had commitment issues and needed counseling. My heart has been shattered as I thought we had a great relationship. It's been almost 9 months since the breakup. I have been in counseling and it has helped, but the pain is still there. Sometimes I feel as though it will never go away as I was madly in love with this man. I am trudging forward, doing the online dating thing... Again. I am 54 years old and hoping that I can find true love again with a man who can commit. My heart goes out to you Kat!!! I know exactly where you are. We will get through this... hopefully wiser.
I'm so sorry but what he did was wrong...saying I love you ...to a single female friend? It's normal that you became attached and hopeful. This is not your error...he was very selfish and exploitative to lead you on and possibly narcissistic.
I MO he can't or won't bond. Your desire for more wad appropriate. He can't or won't and it was utterly lacking in character to not let you know months earlier. The abrupt discard fits the narc relationship cycle as well.
I'm so sorry!!
Well said Jane! Try to know you'll be alright Kat. Be happy for his teaching you about what you want in a relationship. Keep telling yourself and believing in what you want and what you want will appear. I promise!
Dear Kat,
Your story actually brought tears to my eyes because of my own situation in the past. and I am 12 years your junior. I know co-workers around my age who are already married and I just don't get it. Anyway...sorry.
Think like this: The new woman will have a tough time with your ex!
Guaranteed! especially if she wants one day what you wanted from him. She'll probably be equally heartbroken as you, since he's so emotionally shut down and was able to move on quickly. And he knows he can't give what a woman wants.
I wish you well, don't dwell on it too much. The sooner you cut off your emotional ties of him, the better is for you. I always tell this to myself.
I do believe if it's meant to be it will be thing.
Jane, by the way, couple of questions:
If a woman has to be the one bringing up the future with a boyfriend after a year let's say, does this mean the whole relationship is doomed?
Because he wasn't thinking about it and didn't bring it up before?
Jane,
Thank you so much for responding to my email. The response you gave and the reasons make sense logically-and I know I should believe that it wasn't me, that it was where he was (or wasn't). But it is still so hard to stop blaming myself.
I guess looking back now, yes there were things that were not so perfect: I was the one to say I love you first, when I asked about his divorces he blamed the exes- not himself, he was emotionally shut down- he could be happy but I never saw him sad or upset- even when we broke up. Even in the beginning when things were great, there were still things and people he prioritized over me. I always wanted to take a vacation together but we never did- yet he took a week-long guys trip.
I wrote my original email to you a few weeks ago. I have since learned he has been dating someone else. I didn't ask for the details, I just know they were introduced by a friend- just like we were. It was devastating news- especially after he told me he had issues and couldn't date me or anyone. Just the idea of dating someone else makes me feel ill and he just moved on.
So of course I go back to blaming myself. See it was me! He can be happy with another! I know its not rational but I keep finding myself going there.
Again, thank you for the responses. It really helps to know that I'm not alone in this and that feeling awful 4 months out is pretty normal. I just want to feel hopeful again, I want to be able to look back and say "why was I ever upset over this guy?" I want to feel like yes, I do want to date and find love again. I'm just not there yet.
Kat
Kat, I so know what you feel having found out about him seeing someone else. I know how you're blaming yourself and thinking something is wrong with you. In this moment, that's how you feel and I know you must cry yourself to sleep a lot. Bare with it. Just like I did, in time you will see there's nothing, NOTHING wrong with you. From what you wrote on this last post and from where I'm sitting, I can see so clearly that he has issues and he's just not the kind of man a fantastic woman like you wants to marry. Not by a long shot. Two divorces and the women's fault? My guess is this is a man who doesn't want to grow up and be responsible. You on the other hand are willing to grow and learn. See how completely different you are? A man like this could never ever add to the happiness of a woman like you. You'll see this when you're ready and you'll be glad it ended. There's a whole lot for you out there and it's way better than a fantasy that's not based on reality.
For now, feel all your feelings but don't believe the negative thoughts for one second.
We're all here for you. We're all healing together. Lots of love.
Thank you so much Angel. I do want to be able to feel thankful that it ended. He lost someone that loved him. I lost nothing.
Don't blame yourself, Kat! This isn't about you - it's him! That he can be with someone else so quickly after you tells you so much about him - and confirms that he's not the one for you! You will absolutely be able to look back and see all this so clearly soon - in your own time, in your own way, on the path that's all your own. Don't fight this. It's all going to be ok. You're such a beautiful soul!
So when will it get better for me? I went four days without crying and then went out with a friend to dinner last night. When I got home I just felt like I missed him so much and broke down. Even knowing he's dating someone else, I feel like maybe he will realize it was a mistake and maybe want me back. It's crazy! It took me my entire life to find this man- someone I could see marriage with- that was a first for me! How do I just turn those feelings off? Should I have never dated him knowing he'd been divorced twice? I thought finding out he was dating would be closure and I could begin to heal. But I still talk about him and try to analyze what went wrong, what red flags I missed, etc. It is the worst feeling in the world to feel like you still love someone- someone that once loved you too but now acts like you never mattered. I know I could meet someone else, I just doubt I'll ever find the ONE again. And honestly, the idea of dating makes me miss him more.
I'm so sorry, Kat. I know how it feels. But please don't even say he was the one. He wasn't. At all.
This is not how the one acts, does it?
When will you feel better?
When you are done with all this. When you get tired of feeling bad, when you open your eyes to who he really was and who he wasn't in a way that you start feeling relieved this person left. Our recovery is always up to us, Kat. Really. I don't mean to be insensitive but it's true. It's how it's been for me. Time doesn't heal things, we do. Our own minds and desires, true desires and determination conquer the unimaginable.
Hang in there and stop telling yourself lies about how you were a victim. You never are, Kat. You're powerful beyond measure. It's ok to be down for a while, but don't furnish the rut you're in. Never. Better days will come. In due time and when you're open and fully ready to see them and live them.
Tons of love
Angel I just want to thank you very much for what you said here.
I am feeling so down this week. Thinking things over in my mind...what was, what could have been, what wasn't.....
honestly, I am putting myself in such a bad place and I cant see any way out of it.
But having read your post it has given me a push.
We can only do it for ourselves - that's true.
Thanks again, Love always, Wilma
You don't turn the feelings off, Kat, you live through this stage and eventually the reality begins to emerge that this isn't about there being anything wrong with you or him, but simply about two people being on two different pages. Slowly, but surely, it will become less personal, and you'll experience a sadness without the depth that you're feeling it right now. When? As you live your life, as you put one foot in front of each other and do the most loving and caring things you can do for yourself right now. Don't look back at what you've missed. You're going to soon see everything you've gained. I know it's so hard to see that right now, to even imagine that you could when what you're feeling right now is oh so raw. But from all of us who've been there, we can assure you it absolutely does happen, even if the "when" feels so elusive, and the "why" seems even harder to understand. One day at a time, accepting what is, refusing to believe the stories that you want to believe, focusing instead on what you deserve - and it's so much more than this! - and you will get there soon, too. Surround yourself with the people and things and places that get you, that give you so much more than he ever could. It's rarely any one thing that helps us begin to heal, but so many things taken together when we're open to seeing just a little more, and suddenly, we realize we're there.
I can relate to what Kat has experienced. Although I have been married and had a family. After my divorce I met what I thought would be 'the ONE'. We had such an amazing rapport and for 2 years things were good. I wasn't looking to get married again right away - I'm in my 50's and didn't want to rush in. Looking back I can see so many red flags I ignored...sifferences in religion and political beliefs that I didn't think mattered. After 2 amazing years things took a turn and he wanted a break which broke my heart. He very quickly (within weeks) got involved with someone new. But when this didn't work out he came back to me. I took him back thinking we would go right back to where we were. But we didn't. I spent the next 2 years in a completely different relationship from him! He was in 'best friend' mode. He was so happy to be back with me where it was safe an comfortable but had no intention of making me his 'forever' person. I refused to see the signs. He was telling me in so many ways and showing me by his behavior. I didn't want to see it!! 4 months ago he reconnected with someone from his high school (hadn't seen her in 30 years - he says) and now they are married! It seems unreal. I have cried and been angry and been in shock. I'm very slowly crawling out of this with the help of my friends and a good therapist and lots of good books and blogs!! I will be okay - actually probably better but I know how Kat feels for sure.... what happened?
You said it. "He had been married twice before and I knew he had some issues stemming from that, but he had always said he would consider getting married again. The relationship just seemed to stall. It was still great, but not going anywhere." You were fooling yourself about this relationship. Your first instinct about him was the real him. You were so lonely that you grasp at a relationship that was not there. If you have to beg, borrow or steal to get a relationship it is not yours. Move on.
So true, Viola. Thank you for your words for Kat.
I know how you feel. For seven years, I was single and not dating, saving myself for my future husband. Turned to the Lord, and used self-healing books, to change my life around. I was enjoying life, just letting the universe do it's thing.
Met this man through mutual friends. Yes, at first I was reluctant, but sure why not I would give it a shot. We would stay up late talking, but we never really dated. He never introduced me to his friends, even a close female friend. Really! I don't mind anybody having friends of the opposite sex, but if you are involved with someone you would want to have them meet everybody in your life.
Well, I confronted him about this and all he could do and say is that I was the one that didn't want to meet his friend. I explained to him that sometimes it is difficult to meet a friend of the opposite sex because of a fear, but I ask him to take the initiative to have us meet.
Well, through the years, two years to be exact, red flags went up.
He was more interested in being with other females in public than with me, compared me to other women, put down my beliefs and it was all about him. When I tried to talk to him about such things, he would turned everything on me, that I was controlling, psychopathic, made me feel less intelligent, I was the one who always apologized. The more we talked about things, the more I found out he is battling with past hurts and anger from it, which was turning my positive, optomistic views into negative and pessimistic views.
We are separated but still remain friends trying to start from scratch, the way it should have been, but he keeps bringing up everything what used to be in sarcastic jokes.
He asks me why I don't text him, and I told him, sorry, not my place to pursue, if you think this can work then you are supposed to pursue me, just like Jesus pursuing his bride.
Well, I know now. I don't get a text from him unless it is about something unimportant.
Well, I'm involved with church committees, bible study and prayer meetings, and volunteering in places. My life went back to normal since he left. I Am Me.
I do suffer from a lot also, depression, jealousy, anger but through counselling Im learning where this would stem from. It is an exciting journey.
But let me tell you, I am from the Creator, I am beautiful and my light will shine. I am here on earth to help those in need and to be a voice of encouragement and inspiration, just like you Jane.
To all the women out there, Love You for who you are, not to be vain, or arrogant or let the ego take over, Love Yourself like the Heavenly Father loves you Or the universe, Divine Creation loves you. Bring out the lovable inner child in you, and talk to that child each and every day. You are going through emotions, identify with those emotions, write it down and burn it up to the universe, called release and surrender. For those that are Christians, write it down, your emotions and release and surrender it to the Cross, and leave it there.
Beautifully said, Michelle. It's so inspiring to see how you've moved on from this man who clearly has his own issues to work through.
I am at the same point, in my life. It is so hard to move on when things were perfect, in your head. But your right. It was , as long as things didn't change for him. Its better to find out now, then to waste years and years. I love your advice, you break it down in a way, that makes sense logically. I too reached out to "him" yesterday and got NO response. It is very hurtful, but I know it has nothing to do with me. As with this woman, he knows what I want, and he knows he cant give that to me, so what is there to say? A simple I don't think its a good idea if we talk, or SOMETHING would be nice, I think I deserve that, and I think not responding at all is so disrespectful. But again, I know in my heart it has nothing to do with ME. I wish us all strength to be strong and hold out for the one that can give us what we want and deserve.
I'm so glad this resonated with you and your own situation, Gia. You are so right to remind yourself that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. This is all him, showing you more of who he is and what page he's on. Think of it as information, not anything more personal than that!
Jane, can you talk a little about why they don't respond... It is so hurtful. That is why it is good to have the no contact rule. I tried and was doing great, then I have a weak moment. I sent him a song called, I miss my friend. It was nice and ever word was true. I just wanted him to know that. I got no response as if I wasn't even important to him at all ever. we went to elementary school together and know a lot of the same people. Its not like we went out one time and that was it... Its so unnecessary. I also lost my mom 6 months ago, so I am going through a lot and he knows it. And he claims to be a Christian! How do I spin this to get my power back? Your thoughts would be appreciated! Gia
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, Gia. It doesn't make this any easier, I'm sure. But I want to point out that this hurt you feel when he doesn't respond to such a beautiful gesture on your part - a song "I miss my friend" is really so very telling. Not about anything you lack, or about there being anything for you to take personally from his lack of a response, but the fact that he can't even bring himself to respond with even the smallest of responses tells you so much about where he's at. He can't give you anything. He's got nothing to give. And to even go there just a little, would either make him feel too guilty for what he knows he "should" be able to give you, or simply feels like more pressure on him to be something than what he is. It's so much easier for him to not respond, to ignore it, then to go back there again.
But since this is about what you can do, let's focus on getting your own power back. The reason why you're feeling hurt is because you have an expectation of how he "should" respond, or what that response "should" look like. But if you could look at this a different way, and allow him to be who he is without any expectation of how he should be or act, then you can simply take his response as more information about this guy who you've put up on a pedestal as if he was actually capable of giving you something more in response. You see, this information tells you more about him. It tells you more about this man can't be a match for you when you have this beautiful sensitive side to you that sends something like this, and he can't return the sentiment - with any kind of response. Can you see that?
This is why it's always your decision what you put out there, how much you initiate, or whatever part of yourself you want to give someone, but you have to be prepared for a response - or lack of one - that you have absolutely no control over. It can't help but hurt you if you have an expectation of how he should respond and then he responds in a different way. How could it not since that expectation was all about you, not him? He didn't ask for you to send him that song, so to put on him what you feel is the right response for you, only gives him all that power! That's what you're feeling, Gia. Take your power back by not putting yourself out there with someone unless you know for sure you can do it only for you, and not for a specific response that you're looking for from him.
This is one of the most common ways we hurt ourselves, setting ourselves up like this for disappointment because someone can't live up to our expectations. He's not you, he can't be you, and no matter how much you want him to respond in the way that you believe he has the potential to respond, he's showing you the reality of what really is. That he can't! Let him be who he is. That tells you more than anything else ever could.
Sometimes, Gia, it's only by reaching out like you did that you have it confirmed for you as strongly as this, that this is not someone on the same page as you. It's why no contact only works if you have all the information you need to move on. Sometimes, as hurtful as it may be, we need that one last thing. I hope this helps!
This entire response is freakishly accurate. Thank you so much. Man, the truth HURTS. Even when you're a guy and she has gone silent.
Thanks Jane, I hear what your saying. It was really for ME, I wanted to let him know I was thinking of him. I didn't ask for a response... I guess that deep down I was hoping to just have some response from him, to know he is ok. It is so hard when your realize that maybe you didnt mean as much to someone as you thought you did. We were inseparable and now its like I don't exist. I try not to go there, but I keep thinking that he must be seeing someone else, if he is not responding... that him saying he wasnt ready for a relationship really means hes not ready for a relationship with ME. It hurts to think he could be out there lying to someone else, telling them the same things he was telling me. I do believe everything happens for a reason and this is a blessing in disguise. This all happened because I put my foot down immediately, and would not accept crumbs. This means I am getting stronger and healthier, even if I had a few weak moments. Thank you for your input, I appreciate it!
Gia,
When you said, "It is so hard when you realize that maybe you didn't mean as much to someone as you thought you did" hit home with me. It's painful... truly painful. I am 9 months out of a 2 1/2 year relationship. The pain is still there, although it seems to be getting better. It takes time and as much as we want to, we can't rush time. I have been on the dating websites... So many men who just want a friend with benefits on there!!! I keep trudging on. You are so right about not accepting crumbs!!! This time around, I won't accept them either!!! Hang in there and continue to work on you. :))
I am older and alone, no family, and have been with the same man for 7 years. I love him dearly, but it took him many years to admit to me that he loves me. As long as I do things his way everything is ok. He can be demanding, controlling, yet sometimes so sweet. He is hyper, he can go for 14 hours a day without stopping, then the same the next day. We spend every weekend together, he takes me nice places, includes me in his family, cruises, theatre, but our personalities clash sometimes. During the week I'm at home and I catch up on my things on try to rest.
There are times I get so tired doing things for him and trying to keep the peace, that I loose my patience and we get into an argument.
We had a trip planned to Europe, no travel agency, with HIM planning the 3 week trip through 8 countries., making bus and train connections. I walked out on him because he was hyper all day and yelling at me.
When I walk out he always (so far) wants me back and I do go back, he's very sweet and loving and needy then, but then the pattern starts all over again.
Now we're back together and he refuses to take me on the Europe trip; says he'd rather go alone with his elderly male buddy so we can't have an argument in Europe and I spoil the trip.
I need faithfulness and question if he tells me the truth. I have seen makeup I his sink and he called me by another woman's name one night when I walked in his bedroom. He deletes all his outgoing calls. But I stay because I love him, and at my age, I don't want to have to start all over again. I don't want to be alone, and I get scared and sad when I think of leaving him.
Everything I've walked out on him I've gone back, he's like an addiction. I don't know if I should hang in a little longer where he's sick and getting old, or leave him completely and look for someone else. As I said, I am getting older and alone, and whenever I leave him I go back. It's a vicious circle. I need your help, ladies.....
Thanks so much,
Laurie
He's showing you the opposite of what you say you need from him, Lauri; you can't even trust if he's telling you the truth. And yet because of your own story that you stay with him because you love him and you don't want to start over all over again, nothing's going to change until you change that story within yourself. This is really about you. If you can create a different story and try to prove that one, the one that has you realizing you're only as young as you feel, that you deserve someone to love who treats you lovingly in return, and that starting over again could be beautiful if you want it to be, things will begin to change. But if you don't want to change it, if you don't want to take that chance, that's ok. But be honest with yourself about what you can live with. Choose it the way it is - the way he is - without any expectation of change, or else do something different. That's the first step to getting your own power back, Lauri; recognizing that you have that power within you to begin with. Because you do!
Jane, I'm hurting with this. I'm feeling less strong, both physically and emotionally. I think it's fear of if I break it with him again, that WILL be the end and he won't come back. I'm finding it very hard to break away from him. It's like he's an Orio cookie, I'm addicted to him, only poison - and I know that. He isn't going to change, and I can't accept his control, manipulation and demeaning me. He's negative and hyper, but he says I'm negative and I won't let him teach me.
I had this same situation with my first husband who was an alcoholic, but that was 37 years ago and this guy is not an alcoholic.. Since then the men in my life have been good men. Can you please put this out from more posts from the group?
Laurie
Hi Lauri,
I know and understand how you feel.. the man I just had to let go is the same way. Very negative, unforgiving, demeaning, always putting me down.
it's funny how these men can twist words, action and thinking on you. These are narcissistic behaviors.
I'm worth so much more, I'm a treasure from heaven.
just think you are so worthwhile, not to be mistreated.
Vulnerability plays a big part. Narcissistic men will prey on the strong, vulnerable woman and when we women knows what's truly being seen in them, they fly away, can't face their own reality, but like to point it to you and lay blame.
the old saying goes:"if you find blame in someone, three times of what you see comes back to you." Judgment.
anyway, keep your head held high, be confident in yourself, and pray, believe, and have hope that their are better days ahead. Time, patience and love.
you are not alone in this my dear, Lord will guide you.
God bless.
My story is very similar. I'm 10 months out of a 3 year relationship with "the one". I finally had to accept the fact that we weren't on the same page and were never going to be and move on. He was a master at ambiguous language and telling me what I wanted to hear but when I started focusing on his actions and the reality of the relationship, it was so clear that he didn't want what I wanted. Sometimes they are happy to get the benefits of the relationship and don't want to give those up by breaking up with us even though they know they can't give us what we need long term. It's heartbreaking. I cried everyday from about 2 months before the breakup to 2 months after. 10 months later, I am in a much better place, thanks in part to Jane and her advice! It does get better. I am almost grateful for the experience now because it taught me so much about myself and what I am looking for and not looking for. Please hang in there, it does get better.
So glad you're in a much better place, Sallysue. Thank you for sharing - and your wise words!
Thank you for your response. It fills me with hope. I do want to get to that point where I'm not sad anymore. Even now, I can see what I have learned from this relationship and what I will or will not put up with the next time around.
Kat, I have gone thru almost the exact same scenerio. My boyfreind and I never had an argument in over two years. Suddenly, he blew up over an innoculous comment I made on someone elses Facebook page, and wanted to take a break. He was to call me when he returned from a business trip..........I never heard from him again, I e-mailed once, called once and texted once. No reply. That was six months ago.
I belive you need to look at his past....in my case, he had gone thru 3 divorces, and had never had a successful long term relationship, although two women left him that I know of.
Go out and start dating!.....Get on a reputable dating site.....and just go out and don't expect or project.....this is the best way to try to forget! My old boyfriend, I see, from Facebook is now dating someone new, but I am guessing, that that, too, will not last.
My mission now is to ask up front if the person I am dating is seeking a long term committed relationship, and what their past has been. Defiantely no more men with multiple divorces, I have to think it was them, not the women!
Best Wishes.
Great advice, Lake Girl. Thank you for sharing your story!
Thanks for the reply Lake Girl. When we're were introduced I knew he had been divorced twice. After a few dates I DID ask if he would ever get married again and he said yes. I thought he meant it. Any maybe he did- just not to me.
I did decide to join a dating site. I don't know if it's bc I'm picky or comparing everyone to my ex, but there's not a lot I'm interested in. Granted, that was how I felt about my ex initially and he grew on me.
I'll stick with it though. I have good days and bad days. I try not to think about him and analyze the relationship but sometimes I can't stop the thoughts.
Wow three divorces! How are you feeling now? I hope you are doing better.
Hi Kat, I read your story - and it could have been mine !!
Although I am older than you and don't have young children, my hopes and dreams were very similar to yours.
But, having gone through the same kind of break up as you have (a few months ago) I am beginning to see the bigger picture.
Who was pushing the commitment further - me
Who was looking to move in together - me
Who was looking to live 'happy ever after' - me
It was never, ever, ever HIM...... all one sided. But when you are in the middle of it all its just not clear.
It wasn't clear to me because I so so wanted the fantasy...the dream....the happy ever after.
As Jane has said before - I was seeing the REAL him - the one who didn't want to move things on. Quite happy going on dates for 3 years, holidays and weekends away.
But when it came down to everyday living my ex didn't want to know.
He was the same as your ex Kat. He didn't like talking about the future - because then he would have had to be REAL with me and tell me the TRUTH.
You are too precious to waste your life on someone like this. But it all takes time. You need to heal. You need to see that you have so much to offer the right person. He wasn't the right person.
We don't have to work hard when it is the right one. It all fits into place.
So, even although you will be feeling raw with it all I hope you meet someone as loving and caring as you. Don't settle for less. You really are beautiful.
Thanks for sharing your story Kat - it was the same as mine - and we are not alone.
Love, Wilma
Thank you, Wilma. You've added so much to this conversation with your words for Kat. When you've been there, you understand like no one else can.
Hi Wilma- Thank you for sharing your story with me. It really helps to know that I'm not alone in this. I guess I felt at my age, being older, we both knew what we wanted and there wouldn't be the mixed messages you get when younger and dating.
You said: "Quite happy going on dates for 3 years, holidays and weekends away.
But when it came down to everyday living my ex didn't want to know."
I think this was what our "relationship" was to him: someone to date superficially for the FUN part of the relationship, but not willing to put up with the problems or realities of a REAL relationship.
Kat
Dear Wilma (& Jane of course) ,
Your words about that he did not want to talk commitment, future plans, and all the other trappings of the fantasy happily ever after struck me to my core. Thank you very much for taking the time to write, share and help me see the truth of my projected fantasy. There is nothing wrong with him as he never ever led me to believe in anything other than he liked me, hanging me with me and sharing small talk with me.
-dlw
I am in a similar situation. Dated a guy for 6 months, and we both fell in love. We had a great time together. But, he was in this area on a work contract, and that work contract expired. While he loved me, he wasn't interested in a long distant relationship. Intellectually, I understand that and realize the complexities and costs of trying to maintain a long distance relationship. Emotionally, I wanted to hear, we'll try to make this work.
There were many mixed messages from him. I really felt he was torn. But, yet there was no real indication that we'd keep in contact or try to meet some where in between. It's hard to let it/him go. But, I want someone who is afraid of losing me. While I do believe he loved me, for whatever reason, it wasn't enough. That is hard to accept. Some days are better than others. I am trying to keep busy, but the evenings are the toughest. Love does hurt.
Love never hurts. It doesn't serve us to believe that, Marcie.
Love is just not enough to make a relationship work. It takes two people on the same boat who want the same things, are compatible and want each other and grow together. Love is foundation, but it's definitely not enough, especially if compatibility is not there at all.
I know how you feel. It will pass. I promise you will smile and be happy again.
Hugs
Thanks for sharing your story, Marci. Real love doesn't hurt. That's how you always know. I know it doesn't feel that way, but it's true. Love is only enough if both people make it enough; not just by words but by their actions. You deserve nothing less than someone who's on the same page as you, who's willing to do whatever it takes to make your relationship work.
I'm so sorry you're going through pain, Kat. What I see here is just your fantasy projected onto someone who just cannot live up to it. That's ok. No one is wrong it's just two different people who want different things, Kat.
You're mourning the loss of a fantasy, but he's not the love of your life. He really isn't. You didn't know him enough to draw that conclusion. It was a good year, but that was it. When you're ready, think back and see things objectively and see where you may have overlooked important things or ignored your intuition. Right now you are only holding onto the good memories, but I'm sure there was more going on.
You'll be fine. Feel the feelings and let him go.
good advice Angel! So true! It was a fantasy, you weren't in the same relationship. If he was the one, it would have worked! I am going through the same thing, so this is to me also.
So true, Angel. Thank you for adding your thoughts for Kat.