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You are here: Home / 2014 / Archives for October 2014

Archives for October 2014

I'm Heartbroken, but Not Over My Ex-Boyfriend

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A beautiful woman is feeling a strong connection with a man at a cocktail party.One of our beautiful friends, Jessa, has recently gone through a break up after a six year relationship with her ex boyfriend. She now finds herself utterly heartbroken, but not over him.

Here's her story:

Dear Jane,

My name is Jessa and I have quite the complicated situation going on.

It's really tearing me apart and I'm not sure what the next step is.

I recently broke it off with someone I had been in a relationship with for almost 6 years. I actually feel good about the situation - it was a long time coming and even though he was a great guy I knew we were not right for each other.

My issue is - I am heartbroken, but not over him.

I never cheated on him, but I did emotionally fall for someone else. For the past two years I have had a serious crush and it happened to be on one of his old college buddies. I met this person, X, through my boyfriend. I started having feelings for him almost immediately, and tried to reign it in, coach myself out of it.

But the feelings only grew.

Then I moved across the country with my boyfriend and, while I still had feelings for this person, I didn't have any expectations because we no longer lived in the same area and I was obviously in a relationship, but I still thought about him a lot. Then, he moved back to the east coast and made plans with my boyfriends good friend, (also his friend) to come visit together.

When he came to visit, I told myself he would not seem interested, that I should not expect anything. However that was not the case. We had a strong connection and I can't really explain it. We had a lot in common and I just felt this gut feeling around him.

This was again proved true when we (my boyfriend and I) visited him a few months later where he lived. We all went out, but X and I were the ones talking. He would ask me questions about my life, play my favorite music whenever I was around and I just wanted to be around him.

After this trip I was devastated because of how real my feelings were for him. I was with my boyfriend and told myself this cannot EVER happen. I can't even believe this while I write, that I was visiting him with the boyfriend and feeling all of these things. Just makes me realize it was such a ridiculous situation.

To try to make this slightly shorter than the very long post it already is… about a year later (after I thought about X every day and certainly began to have expectations/hopes that we would have a chance to get to know each other...) - my boyfriend and I mutually broke it off.

It had gotten bad, not only because of my secret feelings for someone else, but because we did not work on a very fundamental level.

We didn't accept each other, adore each other, we both lost the interest to even try to make it work. We probably stayed together years longer than we should have just because we were both bad communicators and also understanding people at the same time.

It was a recipe for limbo.

So after this rather intense break up, I have to admit I had hope that maybe X would come around. It was very black and white in my head and I thought - if he really has feelings for me, he will come around. But then I see online, 4 weeks after my break up, that X had started dating someone. And it was obvious it wasn't a brand new relationship.

I was absolutely heart broken.

A few weeks ago (now four months after the break up, and I hadn't reached out or talked to X at all in about a year), I texted him about a concert, hoping to open the lines for communication. He texted back and asked about the concert.. I said it was awesome or whatever.. but then that was it.

I have been looking at this text as my "answer".

That if he were interested, he would have at least continued the conversation. So this is very painful to come to terms with. Although I do also realize I did not reach out to him for over a year, I was always in a relationship and completely unavailable, and after we visited him and my feelings became so real, I still stayed with my boyfriend for another year.

And we don't live in the same city.

So I guess I do feel like I expected too much. I really go back and forth between these two ideas. The "if he's into you he will call" vs "no, no, its much more complicated than that and you were never an option, you were off limits".

So now all I have to work with is - he is dating someone and he is most likely no longer interested.

What do you think? Should I text one last time, sharing my real feelings, making it obvious that I don't want him to become a stranger? That I would love to stay in touch?

This would be to see if he reciprocates, and if he does not, I can move on. Or I can just move on now, as he is now in a relationship with someone, but then I would always wonder.

So - do you think it's possible he still has feelings for me?

Is he not reaching out because I am the ex girlfriend of his college friend? I realize that does not make me much of an option. But they are not very close and I tell myself, this kind of screwed up situation happens all the time. People get together all the time that "aren't supposed to". And if he really wanted to be with me, it wouldn't matter.

I'm just lost and in a lot of pain because I had real feelings for him, felt a connection and had hopes and expectations for the future. Even though it wasn't right and even though I do feel guilt about it.

I know I can't expect him to just whip around and be in my life with all of this complexity. Honestly a lot of people would be like "you've got to be kidding me" if we started dating.

So I guess it is not really in the cards for us?

I've obviously overanalyzed this to the maximum and am really ready to make a decision so I can quiet my head and move on for good. Either text him being honest about my feelings and get my answer, or move on now.

I feel like an outsiders perspective or opinion would be hugely helpful. Please let me know if you have any thoughts. And apologies for the longest question ever.

- Jessa

My Response:

So many unanswered questions, Jessa, and so many opportunities to over analyze and second guess yourself as to what might be and what could be.

And then you have the reality of what is.

You have no way of knowing for sure what he’s thinking and where he’s at unless you come right out and tell him where you’re at and what you’d like to know from him.

The bigger question is, are you ready for that? Are you OK putting that out there not knowing that his response may not be what you're hoping for?

You’re absolutely right that it comes down to two clear options: “Either text him being honest about my feelings and get my answer, or move on now.”

It’s the dilemma almost every single one of us has come face to face with at one time or another.

And yet, if you listen to your gut instincts, you most likely do know.

Because someone who's really  interested will certainly be looking for signs of an opening like the one you provided by initiating contact with him, and however small and insignificant it might have seemed, it would have been something for him to notice if he was ready and looking for some indication.

But I also know that even if we’re 99% sure that we know the answer, it’s that tiny chance that we missed something, that he might be just waiting for one more thing from us, that can make wrecks out of even the most confident of us!

So, Jessa, I say to you what I finally learned to say to myself first and now to anyone else who is at that crossroads between becoming more vulnerable in their need to “just know”, and knowing enough to move on – you have to do what you need to do for you.

Can you handle the feeling of “rejection” from him if you get that kind of response? Can you not take it personally (because it never is!)? Or will that have more of a detrimental effect on you than this no man’s land you’re feeling stuck in now?

Above all else, this is about you, not him.

You have to do what brings you back to the centered place within yourself where you have a sense of peace and calm about what is, where you can move forward without regrets, without looking back and wondering "if only" or "what if?".

Do what you need to do to really live! To get on with your life!

To create a life that you’re happy with, that brings you joy and peace and calm and confidence in you. Get what you need to get from him if he’s willing to give it to you, but don’t base your sense of worth on what his response is, regardless of what it is.

You don’t need someone to validate you to tell you what you already know. Regardless of where you've been or what you've gone through – or the guilt you carry for all the past regrets you can come up with to shame yourself with – let it be enough.

There is no right or wrong answer. There is no right or wrong decision. There is only what is, and what that looks like is already there right this moment in his situation, in his status, in the page he’s on, in where he’s at. Saying or doing something to move in his direction only fills in the blank for you, or makes it more real by having it revealed in a way that you can understand right there in front of you.

But it won’t change what is already there or what isn't.

For me personally, I know that feeling of angst all too well, of being in limbo over someone who there was never any question of what his feelings weren't except in my own mind.

That’s where your power lies, within yourself.

But to get there, you have to do what you need to do to bring you to that place. And so, if you can’t move on without that missing piece from him, find out for yourself.

Don't do it for him. Don't do it for what could be. Do it for how it allows you to finally be free!

Love,

Jane

It’s quite a dilemma for many of us to risk putting ourselves out there versus the benefit of finally knowing for sure. What do you think Jessa should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with her in the comments!

The Power of Clarity

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A beautiful woman is getting clarity on what she really wants in life.I have an important question to ask you - in fact, it may be the most important question you can ask yourself:

What's the one thing you want more than anything else in your life right now?

Is it to be loved?

Is it to get married?

Is it to start a family?

Is it to live somewhere else? Somewhere better?

Is it to change jobs or begin a new career?

Do you even know what it is?

Think about this for a moment. We put so much time and energy into thinking about why we don't have what we want. We can come up with so many reasons, so many answers to our own questions, as to why we don't have what we really want.

But I've learned a thing or two along the way about what's really going on here. It's not about you not being able to have what you so want. It's not about there being anything wrong with you. It's not about you being not attractive enough, or intelligent enough, or whatever enough you believe you need to be in order to have what you long for.

It's about something so much simpler than that.

Oh, I've been there. I've thought it had everything to do with what I wasn't enough of and what I was too much of, and how there was no one left who would appreciate who I was or what I had to offer.

But what I didn't realize back then, when it all seemed like such a struggle, was that I was the one getting in my own way of finding what I was looking for.

All of these emotionally unavailable men whose actions were showing me they weren't really looking for a committed relationship; why was I choosing them?

Why was I making it my mission to try to do everything I could to get them to commit to me, to make them love me, to make them want to be with me, when there were so many other available men out there? These other men didn't require this kind of work that I was doing to the detriment of myself, but I wasn't open to seeing them.

I blamed myself, I felt that I should have known better, I thought of a million things that I wished I had done differently but, of course, I didn't at the time.

Because isn't that what we all do so well?

We think it's about us.

We think it's all about us, that it's all our fault and that if we were only someone else - anyone else but our true selves - it would have had such a different ending!

Why do we insist on making this as complicated as we do? If all we want is to be loved for ourselves, there's plenty of men out there waiting and willing and capable of loving us the way we deserve to be loved!

If what we really want is to get married, why do we insist on trying to make a marrying kind out of a man who doesn't want that kind of commitment from anyone, not just us?

If what we want is to have children in our lives, why do we settle for someone who, while he might turn us on in every other way, doesn't share the desire to make a family together, hoping beyond hope that he'll change his mind?

If what we want is to change our jobs or start a different career, why do we come up with all those reasons why we can't, rather than taking a chance on ourselves for a change and going back to school, taking out a loan, moving in with a friend or family member, and seeing what is possible instead of letting our fears keep us stuck in something we're not happy in anyway?

If what we really want is to start fresh somewhere, or to feel the sunshine on our face in the middle of winter, what holds us back from making a geographical change? Is it really that we're so tied down to where we are right now that we can't make that move? Or is fear of being "wrong", or answering to the naysayers who think we're crazy for leaving what we've got behind and branching out anew?

What about you?

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It doesn't matter if it's not what you pictured, if your life isn't turning out the way you always thought it would.

So maybe you chose the "safe" career that your well-meaning teacher/counselor/parent convinced you to pursue; does that make you happy now?  Or have you always wanted to try that less-traveled path that you never thought you could do?  That someone else never gave you permission to do.

That's the point. What do you really want now? At this stage of your life, not the one you used to be in or the one you're still holding onto. What about now?

Find that clarity.

Peel away the complicating layers to find the simple, sweet clarity of what you really want. If you can't have what you want without what comes with it, is it worth it to you to keep trying to make it work?

Or is it time to let go of what isn't working and clear a path for what wants to work, and is right there waiting for you to see just how much simpler this can be.

You don't have to be right.

You don't have to please anyone else with what you want. But you do deserve nothing less than being true to yourself and being happy with what is always your own choice. Don’t make it about what anyone else wants or thinks you should or shouldn't want; make this about you.

You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy. And you're the one with the clarity to make it happen for you.

What do you need to get clear about most? What is complicating your life that you need to simplify down? Tell us about it in the comments!

I Know I Should Run and Never Look Back, But I Still Love Him

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A beautiful woman sits on a park bench with her head in her hands, knowing that she should run from her relationship and not look back, but she still loves him.Our beautiful friend, Crystal, knows that she should run from her relationship and never look back, but she still loves him and wants him to fight for their relationship to prove her wrong. She needs our help!

Here's her story:

Good morning Jane,

I need your help! I'm devastated!

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months and at first things were fine when I first met him. We came across the, "have you ever been married" and the "do you have any kids" question - I told him no to both and he told me he had a daughter but that he never had been married.

About two months in he went missing for like 3 days and I began to get worried so my best friend said well look him up and see what you can find out because this doesn't seem right. So I did and low and behold I found out he was married!

I was crushed I was heartbroken!

I later got in touch with him that night and I questioned him about it and he continued to lie until I told him if he told me the truth we could work it out. He finally confessed that he had been married and that he was going through a tough divorce but he's getting one.

He began to say that he loved me and he wanted to be with me.

He promised that, that weekend we would go out of town on a much needed get away to work on our relationship and I agreed to it because I liked him a lot. We were supposed to leave that Saturday and then that Friday he called me and said that a family member had passed, so we couldn't go.

When we first met he told me that he was a regional manager so he would have to go on site sometimes where work was being done and he would be gone at the most 2 weeks and then he would come back home.

Well Jane, he was always gone and it became a long distance relationship that I didn't sign up for. He started being gone a lot and just recently I hadn't seen him in a little over a month.

His jobs were going slow and he switched companies a lot because he couldn't get along with the people he worked for so money got low and then I started sending him money because I wanted to show him I was there for him.

Well this past Saturday was his birthday but he said he would have to "work" so he came back Friday 10/10. Just so happen funds were really low for me after bills but I was going to buy him an outfit and some shoes for his b-day.

Well he called me back Friday and said, "You're not going to believe what happened...man I'm mad."

I asked what happened and he says, "Some transaction hit my account and wiped my account out so now I have no money." He then said, "You didn't buy me anything for my birthday yet did you?" I told him that I hadn't picked it up yet but that I would after I got off. He told me, "Good well don't, you don't get a man gifts he should spoil you with gifts...give you money,"  so I got dressed for us going out that night and I just didn't feel right Jane!

Usually I would go without and give my last for him because I did it in the past but something wasn't right. He took me on this drive to the north side because his friend told him about this movie dinner place.

Here's a side note: every time we go somewhere someone recommends we should go and which are normally expensive places he always complains about the food and he ends up eating and getting his meal for free so Friday it was no different except for it was much worse - he caused a scene and I was so embarrassed we couldn't watch the whole movie because the uproar he caused. He's lucky he didn't go to jail - his profanity was out of this world - he cursed and cursed and cursed and when we got back in my car he said, "So you not gonna say anything and they just talked to your man like that?" 

I told him I was very embarrassed and in mid sentence he said, "Shut the f--- up and let me talk."

Jane I was so hurt and outdone that he had talked to me like this and on the way back to drop him off at some random building I picked him up at he told me he was sorry and that he loved me.

I still had this feeling that something wasn't right with him.

I drop him off at the building where his "homeboy" is supposed to pick him up at and I made a circle just to see. Well as soon as I turned the corner he power walks back into the building at 11 PM and when he enters he looks behind him to see if I saw him.
I just drove off he called me and I talked to him on my way home.

The next day for his birthday I never heard from him and it's not like I could call him because his friends phone number shows up no caller ID and he never gave me the number - how convenient.

Sunday morning I wake up crying because I know he didn't call me because maybe he was with someone else like his wife or some other girlfriend. He calls me Sunday around 5:40 pm and he kept calling until 9 because I wouldn't answer him.

My Mom and sister said that I should leave him alone because he is a gamer and that he doesn't care for me, so Sunday when he called at 9 I picked up and then he told me another family member passed and I definitely didn't believe him this time because almost every time he knows I'm mad someone dies.

Well because I didn't give him the response he wanted he said that he thought we should put our relationship on pause because he has a lot going on mentally and family wise. He said that he needs to be a better man for me so he wanted to get off the phone with me to "pray" and he'd call me back...he hasn't called me back..

I'm so hurt Jane because I know something isn't right but he made me feel Sunday before he said we should take a pause that somehow this was my fault...after he lied to me and I found out it was never the same because when he would be out of town I just felt like a man isn't going to stay away from a woman he loves this long.

I know I should run and never look back but I feel so weird and crazy for still loving him and wanting him to fight for our relationship and to prove me wrong.

What really hurts Jane is that he is supposed to "move" back to Houston on 10/17 and my birthday is 10/22 - how convenient does he put a pause in our relationship when it's time for us to be together for good and when my birthday is coming up?

I admit I complained about him not spending time with me but am I wrong for that? Should I have kept my mouth closed?

Please help me because I feel like a crazy woman on Lifetime movie network who I would normally yell at and say she was stupid.

Help me Jane! Help me!

Thank you,

Chrystal

My Response:

You answered this one yourself, Chrystal.

There's a reason you feel like a crazy woman on Lifetime movie network who you would normally yell at! It's because when it happens to us, when we see all the warning signs and refuse to see them for exactly that, when we have such a strong sense as you did so many times here that something "isn't right", it's so hard for us to see just how crazy it really is.

You're not stupid - you're just blinded by what you think is love.

And you're in good company - some of the most intelligent women in the world have been involved with men who were never right for them!

It's about the way you see yourself. And it's what you don't see about how you deserve to be treated. It's how you can't see that the fact that this man is essentially still married and that means he's just not available for you - at least not in the way you want him to be.

I know you have the most beautiful of intentions.

I know you have such a capacity to overlook, to excuse, to understand, to look past all the glaring red flags and warning signs that tell you everything you could possibly need to know about whether this man is someone you really want to be with.

I know you see so much more of his potential than the reality of what you have in front of you right now.

Here's the reality: he's still married, regardless of where he is in his divorce. And even if he wasn't, does he really have what you're looking for to offer you? When you look at what you're really looking for, what you know you deserve, does he have that? When you say you didn't sign up for the long distance relationship it turned into, what does that tell you about how little say you have in this?

How convenient is exactly the point, Chrystal. This isn't about your birthday, his "moving back" or anything else about you. This is about him and what's working for him.

Trust yourself - you know! When you say "something doesn't feel right", you know it doesn't feel right, because something isn't right.

You second guess yourself and question whether you had the right to complain about him not spending time with you, and then you wonder if you should have just kept your mouth shut, because you know something isn't right with not saying something, but you don't trust yourself to know because of how conflicted you feel.

Of course you're hurt, of course some of this "really hurts", because you can't be with this person without being hurt. It hurts that he turns the tables on you and is blaming you for what happened because you know in your heart of hearts it's not your fault.

It has to be put on you to get it off him. He knows what he's doing, he knows what he's getting for putting out so little in return. And he knows he can because you're letting him. He has no reason to do anything differently because this is working so well – you are working so well – for him.

What more does he need? Obviously, nothing.

That's the point of this, Chrystal. No one needs to tell you what to do here, because you already know. You just need to listen to your own instincts, to your own true voice that keeps trying to show you that something isn't right so that you'll listen to yourself and see what this is really about.

It's not about him, it's about you seeing this for yourself so clearly this time so that you don't have to go through this again. That's why people show up in our lives, to mirror what's really going on within ourselves.

Would that strong, confident version of yourself who's just biding her time waiting to be seen, allow herself to brush aside all these red flags, all these feelings of something not being right, just for the chance to be with someone like this? Would she accept such crumbs, tell herself the stories you're telling yourself to keep on keeping on with someone who treats you like this? Would she give her "last" to someone who would never give her his?

I know you know the answer, but before you answer, I want you to know it's OK. There's no shame in falling in love with all of your heart for the wrong man - like I said, this happens to the very best of us.

This is about real life - your life. The kind of life that comes with feelings, and beliefs, and self-esteem, and cultural programming. The kind of life that falls in love and falls hard.

But behind that person who can't see, who doesn't see, is a better life. It's a life that deserves to be held compassionately and lovingly and treated gently for only being able to see up to the light that she knows.

It is OK, because it's you - a real, live human being. A beautiful soul with feelings, and dreams, and hopes, and plans.

You're human, Chrystal. And as much as it may feel like it, you're not alone. No matter who we are on the outside, we're not so different in what we'll do for love, if we're willing to admit it to ourselves. What others see so clearly, we can rarely see ourselves when we're so enmeshed and caught up in our own unmet needs that we can't see beyond this chance to finally get what we so desperately long for – to be loved.

That's why we call it love even though it hurts. If it's what we're used to. If it's all that we think we deserve. It doesn't matter how intelligent our minds may be, if we hold such a gaping need within us, how can we possibly see?

Tread gently with yourself here. Love yourself enough to allow yourself to see. Yes, it's clear to me and to others who share an outside perspective, but it has to be clear to you, too.

You run, Chrystal, into your own arms, into your own life. No matter who you are or what you've been through, it doesn't have to be such a long road back to learning to love yourself and create a life that's worth living, with only the people in it that are right for you.

But it has to be the choice that you make, not one that anyone else can make for you.

It always seems so obvious to everyone but the one asking the questions. Do you have any advice or thoughts for our beautiful friend, Chrystal? Please share them with her in the comments!

Having The Confidence To Know Where You Belong … and Where You Don't

62 Comments

A beautiful woman is smiling, happy because she is full of self-confidence.Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while have heard me talk many times about the importance of inner confidence. About how you can attract exactly what you’re looking for simply by being more confident.

And most of us, myself included, have often wished for much more confidence than we have.

But what does that really look like?

You can try to fake it and just act more confident, even while inside you're secretly terrified (yes, I've tried this method myself, and I know firsthand that it's just not much fun!) While pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone like that can certainly help to build your confidence, and I do recommend trying it if you feel up to it, I also know that it can be too difficult for many of us to attempt.

The good news is that there’s an easier way to being much more naturally confident in yourself that has nothing to do with acting, trying, pretending, or following someone else’s formula for finally getting it right. And the best part is that it will result in a much more authentic kind of confidence because it will be reflecting your true nature.

You see, there’s something that confidence is about more than anything else. It’s about knowing where you belong and where you don’t.

Think about it for a moment.

When you’re heartbroken over the fact that someone didn't call or text you like he said he would, or when you’re with someone for a few months and they start getting emotionally distant, or when you find that he's not wanting any more of a committed relationship with you when you’re ready for more, what’s the first thing you usually do?

You take it personally.

You make it about you and what you’re doing wrong, or why you’re not enough or why there’s somehow something wrong with you. You start thinking about what you can do to change yourself so that he’ll call or text you again, or come to see that you’re someone worth making a commitment to.

And when you don’t get what you’re so longing for from him – this guy that you think you can’t live without – you let it affect you in a way that no one ever deserves to be affected.

Without even realizing it, you do such damage to your self esteem and self confidence by making your worth dependent on what you get from this one person.

What’s wrong with me? You wonder.

Why can’t I ever get this right? You ask yourself and anyone who’s still willing to listen to you.

What does everyone else have that I can’t seem to get?

You compare yourself to everyone else. There’s no end to what you’ll see and do to yourself, what you’ll put yourself through to try to  make your beautiful self fit into a mold or a place that you're never meant to fit into.

Remember the whole square peg in a round hole analogy? That’s the one I’m talking about here.

It’s so obvious when we see it in others, but we never see it when we’re in the midst of such a poor fit ourselves.

And that’s the whole point.

You’re not meant to be with someone if you have to try to be something other than yourself to win their affections.

You’re not meant to be with someone who you have to be quiet around, who you have to walk on eggshells with, who you have to follow any set of rules (self-imposed or otherwise) just to maintain the relationship.

You’re not meant to be with someone where you have to constantly wonder where you stand.

You're not meant to be with someone where you have to create a fake profile for yourself to “spy” on them to see what they’re really up to.

You’re not meant to be with someone who’s not on the same page with you, who doesn't want what you want, who can’t give you what you’re looking for.

This is no way for any of us to live, and especially not you!

Why would we ever choose to live this way? Why would we willingly choose to do this to our beautiful selves?

Oh, we rarely think we’re choosing it. We think it’s just what happened to us, that we’re simply finding out what someone’s really like. And yes, that’s true, but it’s more than that. We’re finding out more about ourselves. And where we belong, and where we don’t.

What would it mean for you and the way you live your life if you listened to that small voice inside you that recognizes when something isn't right with who you’re with instead of believing there’s something wrong with you?

What would it mean for the way you treat yourself if you stopped to consider what you were really getting out of this relationship instead of believing someone else’s programming that this is your role to play?

What would it mean if the words, “You’re too (fill in the blank)” or “You're not (fill in the blank) enough” were taken as the reality check they are instead of the rejection of ourselves we take them to be?

Could it change everything?

Could it mean the difference between feeling like a whole person versus one who never feels like enough?

You see, it’s not just in romantic relationships that this happens; it’s everywhere we find ourselves.

I remember a very similar scenario not too long ago in one of the social groups I used to attend where I never quite felt comfortable sharing what I wanted to say. It was a local Mom's group that I joined because the description of it, and what I had heard from others, sounded like it would be such a perfect fit.

In fact, it sounded like such a good fit that I just kept on trying to make it work, even though inside I felt just a bit awkward and uncomfortable with the group.

It wasn't until a couple of years later, long after I left the group, that I finally understood what that feeling was about. It was not about me not being “good enough” for them, but it was about me and this group simply not being the right fit.

It wasn't that I couldn't meditate long enough or be quiet for as long as they wanted me to meditate and be quiet for, it was that I wasn't looking for the same thing they were. The reality was that I was looking primarily for more social interaction, and this was a group that was more about the spiritual component than the social part.

I tried to fit in over the course of many months, and then had a natural reason to leave when I moved away. It was later when I moved back and reconsidered joining them that I recognized my internal reservations about fitting in there. It was then that I realized what I hadn't understood before.

They weren't wrong and I wasn't wrong; we were just wrong for each other. I felt such a relief when I realized that while they're a great group, they weren't the right group for me. I was then free to move on and find a group that had more of the social component that I was craving.

It was the same as all of those relationships from my single days. I poured my heart and soul into them no matter what was going on with him. It was my story, my belief that I had to keep giving, keep proving my worth, keep showing what I had to offer him that would eventually make him mine.

My story, not his.

My story, not anyone else’s.

Not the groups I chose and then never felt like I belonged. Not the friends I chose because they were the kinds of people I thought I should be more like, but who were never capable of being real friends.

Not the careers I chose because they allowed me to hide from what I really wanted to do, but was too scared to try anything else at the time. Not the stories I kept repeating to myself that only reinforced the same underlying beliefs that tell us so much more about ourselves than we ever see.

It took a long time, but I finally realized that I am enough, just the way I am.

You're enough.

You’re enough. Period.

Don’t give so much of your power away like you do. You know you’re enough. You know you’re not too much of something or not enough of something else. You know the truth.

You might say you don’t, but you do. Deep down, we all do. And that’s why we can only play the part for so long.

There’s a beauty in this you can trust. It’s telling you where you belong, and where you don’t. It’s showing you who’s safe, and who’s not. Who’s available to you, and who’s not. Who’s right for you, and who’s not.

Trust it. Trust yourself.

This is how you know!  Don’t take on someone else’s judgment of you that only says you’re not right for them, not that you’re not right at all. There’s a huge difference there and you understanding that difference is worth everything. Really getting that, truly understanding that difference is what brings true confidence.

It’s time to stop hiding in the dark.

That’s why you’re here. That’s why you’re not willing to settle even though you’re not quite seeing how you don’t have to. That’s why you keep coming back even though you’re not quite ready to let go. That’s why you’re slowly but surely being gentler with yourself; not because you've learned how to love yourself yet, but you’re starting to understand how.

And that’s why I’m here.

To remind you of what I've taken so long to learn myself. Never all at once – seriously, it took you years to get here, you’re not going to change this overnight.

Keep showing up.

Keep asking the questions here to me and the other people who you’re seeing are not so different from you.

You’re OK. More than OK.

And when you're with someone who's right for you, you'll have all the confidence in the world. Naturally.

Know that you’re never alone. I read every comment you write.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re going through, I'd love to hear about it, and so would the rest of this community that we've built here. Share your story, your struggles, your “aha” moments with us here in the comments. That's what we're here for!

A Love That Keeps You Hanging

46 Comments

A beautiful woman and a man are sharing a romantic kiss in front of a fountain - love concept.One of our dear, sweet readers is in a back and forth romance with a guy that disappears on her and then keeps coming back, and she's wondering what she can do to finally move on. She has signed her letter "Anonymous", so I've called her "Beauty".

Here's her story:

Good evening Jane,

I know that you are very busy and I looked through the posts and there isn't anything that really answers my question and I truly hope you could answer this. I am in a very unfortunate predicament and my heart really needs healing.

It all began two years ago.

I was backpacking across Europe when I met the one, who I believed and hoped, was my soulmate. We had this instant chemistry, something so rare.

He was with a friend and I was traveling alone, the three of us decided to travel together. We met in Venice, we would spend the day on the water taxi, he held me in his arms and from the very beginning, I had warned him that he shouldn't fall in love with me and that wouldn't be allowed.

Right away, he was afraid it was too late, he was worried he would never again meet someone like me.

A couple days passed and we were now in Rome, we still had not kissed. He brought me to the fountain of love, my eyes were closed and when I opened my eyes I saw this brilliant and beautiful fountain and we shared our first kiss. my oh my was it beautiful. We then kept traveling and about a week in, we needed to part ways. I knew I would never see him again, but he really made me feel the way no one had ever made me feel.

He just clicked.

Well, that all sounds beautiful until.... He ended up realizing he would never see me again and basically ditched me in Athens late at night... I was heartbroken.

He then messaged me saying he needed to see me again, whilst we were still in Europe. I forgave him and accepted. Of course he was not very mature, and kept me waiting for 5 hours at the port in Santorini... he never made it.

Months passed, and he decided to message me again, he had confessed his love for me and said he would do anything to be with me. We then started doing long distance (he lived about a one hour flight from my home town). We skyped once in a while, though he often had excuses.

He kept telling me he wanted to come see me, or that he would pay my flight to see him.

Well, he did neither.

I bought a flight and went to see him and stayed with him for two weeks. Met his family and spent two nearly perfect weeks with him. He seemed so doubtful, he often had this look in his eyes as if he was thinking, contemplating. He told me he loved me, I believed him and loved him so so much.

Fast forward a couple of months and he begins to ignore me, for weeks at a time. Thinking that was okay to do. Finally I tell him I can't sit and wait, he was supposed to come see me at Christmas, but told me he was not able to. He then kept me holding on by saying he loved me and didn't want to lose me and that he would try harder.

It was in October of 2012 that I said, I couldn't hold on to these broken promises anymore and that it was time for me to move on.

I have spent now two years, doing amazing things, working with children with special needs. Went to Kenya twice to work on projects for sustainability for local centers in Africa. I have done wonders. I was very happy without him, but still felt a bit empty, still missed him often and longed for the love we had.

He would often pop in and say "hey lets catch up soon, you always cross my mind and I miss you". I would respond and not hear back from him for months. He would then do that again and again.

This lasted two years.

One month ago, he contacted me.

He seemed to have grown up and seemed to really have a lot to say (he knew that I would be returning to Kenya for six months in November).

He told me that he loved me, that he has not and will never find someone like me and that he needed to find a way to get me back. I reassured him, saying that he had in fact never lost me. he was so pleased that I would yet again forgive him and give him another chance.

He explained to me that he had moved provinces, that I could finally go live with him and we could start our lives.

He was so quick to talk about having a family together and really starting our future. I was skeptical, but so thrilled. I would see him before leaving for Kenya then return to Canada to go live with him, and start our life together.

It was incredible, it was a feeling of ecstasy. I was in amazement. He had grown up and wanted to be with me. It was so easy for me to once again drop everything and go right back to him ... after everything he had put me through.

Well, this is where the story gets even more messy.

He then begins to act sort of different and I know for sure there is something going on.

After ignoring me for a couple of days he finally confesses that during those two years of not speaking to me, he had gotten a woman pregnant. This was just a couple of months ago and that she was in fact carrying his child as we speak.

He explained to me no more than the fact that she was expecting this baby and that he had moved to a different province wanting nothing to do with the infant.

This is a huge indication of what sort of person he is who can just pick up and leave when a difficult situation arises. He told the woman he would not help raise the child and left.

The fact that he didn't tell me this before telling me how much he loved me and that we would be together again just blew my mind.

Had he told me he had gotten someone pregnant and that he and she would not be together but that he would still take part in the child's life, I would have been a lot more understanding. Well he didn't even discuss any of it with me he just said "I am sorry for hurting you, you deserve better".

Everyone makes mistakes and I am a very forgiving person and so I said to him we can work this out we can talk about this. But he made this assumption without conversing with me, that I deserve much better and that I should just carry on.

He has not spoken to me since then. It has been a few weeks now and he has not said a word to me besides "you deserve better"

Now, my question to you sweet Jane, is how do I get closure, how do I even begin to just put this all in the past? You see it seems easy and I know I have a bright future, I am headed to Kenya in two weeks for six months to go seriously improve some lives out there.

I have a lot of people who love and care for me. But the love I have for him is unimaginable, I don't know how to see past this. I don't know how I can put him in the past and leave him there.

Please help me!

I just want closure, I want to know that it is the end and that I will not continue to look back. I have called him several times in the past couple of weeks and he refuses to talk to me. I know he also is going through a lot but he is just leaving me hanging...like he has from the beginning. It is almost like I am his safety net, he is afraid to lose me it seems...

I just want to be able to love again, to smile and feel as though I can put him in the past and look forward to a brighter day.

I just would love advice because I love him so much, my heart overflows with love for him, and he just leaves me hanging.

xoxo

- Beauty

My Response:

Oh the capacity we have to overlook and override the reality that doesn't fit with the stories we tell ourselves when we become the heroine in our own tragic fairy tale, Beauty! You are such a beautiful soul; so passionate, so full of life, so full of wanting to help the innocent, to make a difference in the world in such a meaningful way.

The depth of your love comes through so clearly; you want to make a difference in this rare soul you've stumbled across. He seems so close, you sense in him such a similar longing in his soul, too, if he could only get there himself. And this is why there is such a passion shared between the two of you. He senses in you something he longs for too, and within him, you sense that same pull too. And yet that pull has everything to do with something I've spoken about before in my posts about the Spark.

Something about him triggers in you a response so out of proportion to what the logical version of yourself would see in him, in this potential you keep coming back to.

To forgive, to have grace for, to accept, and to gloss over such important clues that are telling you the true story and giving you every possible red flag and warning sign for you to see clearly what you would be getting yourself into were you to follow your heart so blindly and become further involved with this man.

And yet I understand, Beauty. All too well, I do!

It’s the rest of the picture that only someone like you can see, only those of us who've played the part of the tragic heroine in the epic fairy tale that had the ending completely written except we forget that we can’t be the only ones writing it.

He has to want this, too.

And yet here he is, committing the worst of possible things that a man can do to show you how not on the same page he is with you. He dumps you, he lies to you, he stands you up, he disappears on you, he refuses to answer you – the list goes on and on.

This is where your focus must be.

On what he shows you about himself. On what he does, not what he promises or what he causes you to feel in your giving heart when you look at him as the picture of true potential. This is all about you, Beauty, not him. This is all about what you’ve created in your mind, not about what’s really there with him.

It’s the hardest part of letting go.

Recognizing that this is all about you. That there’s nothing loving about it on his end, and only unrequited love on yours. Why else do we struggle so much to let go? It’s because we don’t really want to. We don’t want to have to.

There’s a part of us that wants to hang on, that wants to keep seeing where the story goes, that wants to keep dropping in to find out what’s next. We’re waiting for that happy fairy tale ending!

You have such a full beautiful life in service to others which is the very best way to make you feel fulfilled. You have family and friends who love you, and adventure and opportunity all around you.

And yet, it is not enough.

Would anyone else do? We can set such high standards for ourselves, or allow others to set them for us, that no mere man can fit the bill. So we look for someone who seems almost out of this world to our own minds, who comes and goes, and disappears only to come running back like you are indeed his “savior” time and time again.

Even the amount of time that he has exhibited this type of pattern with you is confirmation that he is something of a lost soul that somehow needs your love to save him, and yet it is this very fantasy that we buy into that gives him so much power in your own mind.

And while your friends and family and anyone else you tell this story to will undoubtedly tell you to let him go and move on and never contact him again or allow him to contact you, when you are as enmeshed as you are with the fantasy of what could be if only he could see it too, the only way out is through seeing him clearly through your own eyes.

What can he really offer you?

You are an advocate for children. He wants nothing to do with his own child and thinks nothing of impregnating another woman and leaving her to have this child and raise his own flesh and blood alone. Who does that? A loving man? A kind man? Someone you could ever be truly happy with in the long term?

And so, to move on, you have to see for yourself who he truly is.

Write down everything he’s done to show you his true colors since you’ve known him. Write down everything he can’t offer you. Write down so you can see it so clearly on paper how easily he can disappear and ignore you,  then tell you a story that will admit him back into your life.

And then don’t make this about trying not to contact him.

Reach out to him as many times as you need to so you can see firsthand for yourself what he is really made of. So you can see the reality and separate it from the fantasy that only you can see. Rarely can we get over someone like this without allowing ourselves to see as clearly as we can what they are truly made of.

Don’t run from it.

Face it. Face the reality of what your life with him would be like so that you can feel the power of making your own choice here. That’s always a part of this too. The feeling of not being in control, of not being able to have someone when we are offering so much and expecting so little in return, can trigger us to keep holding on to an even greater degree.

Only you know why you allow him to have such a hold over you, Beauty.

But it could be he holds the illusion of a love that you don’t have to commit to yourself. It may be that the idea of being with him allows you to try to rescue him - just like the children you are so passionately helping - that he falls into that category as well.

When we give and love and care so deeply, when we’re willing to forgive and overlook the most blatantly “wrong” of behaviors, this tells us so much more about ourselves than we can ever know. Let yourself see who you are, and what you deserve. Let yourself imagine what life with him would be. Because when you've seen enough, you’ll know.

Take back your power, Beauty.

He can’t leave you hanging if you don’t allow him to. Don’t doubt your own strength; with a word from you, he’s gone. It’s only in your own mind that you have to be sure this is what you truly want to have happen, and it will be.

You are just that powerful!

What do you think? Do you have any additional words of advice or encouragement for our dear friend Beauty? Share them with us in the comments!

Why There's Never, Ever Anything Wrong With You!

183 Comments

A beautiful woman is in a field with her arms outstretched facing the sunshine realizing that there's nothing wrong with her.
I'm afraid he won't want me if he knew the truth about me.

We say or do something we regret. We long for the chance to have a second chance to do it differently. We feel like we missed out on some amazing opportunity.

And then the worst damage we can ever do to ourselves begins; we beat ourselves up and label ourselves as damaged goods.

Oh we might come across on the surface like everything's OK, but only because we've learned over so many years how to play that part so well.

But inside, it's a different story.

We're mortified that we didn't handle the situation better, that we didn't listen to what we knew we should have done differently.

What's wrong with me? You wonder.

Why can't I ever get this right?

Why can't I be more like her [insert name of friend you secretly wish you were]?Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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