Archives for 2013

Am I Wasting My Time?

One of our radiant, confident, beautiful readers, Lisa, writes to me wondering if she's wasting her time with a guy that isn't able to commit to more of a relationship with her right now.

Her letter:

Hi Jane -

I've been dating a man for almost a year now.

We get along great we have great chemistry we are a lot alike, he treats me well when we are together is a very nice man and we enjoy our time together. Note I have known him since I was 19. He was my brothers college roomie. My whole family knows him so it's been easy.

It caught us off guard. But we began dating recently at age 42. We both are divorced. Very similar situations. It's sorta our bond. I know what he deals with. His more recently than mine and his world is turned a bit upside down because of it. He right after we began dating had to be the full time parent to his teenagers and begin raising them. Needless to say this was a huge thing for him and for us.

The dating dynamics for us changed drastically. He is managing his kids he works like a maniac and he has tried to maintain what we have. Note we live an hour away from each other;it's a lot to manage and keep going.

Our time is limited but I like it and it works for now. It's been going nicely but I find myself wanting more eventually. When? I'm not sure. My kids are still pretty young. I don't think he can give me more at least not now.

We see each other about every weekend one night. It's been great this far and we call or text all week long. But at what point do we do more? I'm not around his kids. He said long ago they wouldn't be ready for that.

We have never discussed our feelings for each other and I have them. I'm afraid if I share them it will spook him or add more pressure to what he has we don't talk of anything about our relationship. We just enjoy eachother have fun and bond.

Do I walk away? Am I wasting my time hoping one day he will want a serious relationship w me?

We act like bf gf already but just don't discuss it. This week he mentioned he is tired of being 100% parent and working. He is burned out.

Says maybe he should go to Costa Rica and be a bartender. I didn't reply. A couple days later he sounded down I asked if he was okay he said In his words..... I'm having a hard time w life in general... Honestly I have a lot going on. I put too much pressure on myself and I need to figure myself out and chill and finds ome internal happiness and contentment. R u sorry u asked????

I didn't even know what to say. What does that mean???

So as long as this is. At age 43 wanting a relationship again and wanting someone special in my life again am I wasting my time here? Is this man depressed? Wasting my time? Not into me?

I'm so confused and sad.

I really like him and I feel he likes me. It makes me sad he said all that. Please email me with your thoughts.

- Lisa

My Response:

It's really about what he's worth to you, Lisa. He's definitely got a lot going on his life right now, but that's not to say you can't be a part of that life, just the reality of raising teenagers and trying to be a good father and provider and all things to all people can weigh on someone and make it hard for them to take on anything more.

If you enjoy being with him, there's nothing wrong with simply enjoying your time that you do spend together and fill the rest of your life up with close friends and others you can talk to without putting pressure on him, because it doesn't sound like he's in a place to give you his best answers when it comes to meeting your needs when he can barely keep up with his own.

When comments like "bartender in Costa Rica" come up, that's your clue that he feels overwhelmed, not unlike something many of us feel at one time or another, but it is a reality check on where he's at right now, so it is something for you to consider.

He won't be raising teenagers forever, but what this is always about is you and what you're willing and not willing to put up with. He is at a different life stage right now than you. So whether that's a deal breaker for you is something only you know for sure, but again, it's the reality of what is that matters and not the fantasy of a different time or place.

Only you know if it's worth waiting for, or if you can focus your energies on other areas of your life - leaving your options open - while still having him in this one area of your life where you enjoy your time together.

If you're focusing on you more than him or "us" than what he does or doesn't do, or what mood he is in or isn't in, won't matter as much. But only you know what he's worth to you or whether what you do get from him is worth what you're aren't getting and would like to get from him.

Does that make sense?

Hope this helps a little. I know these matters of the heart are never easy decisions, but know that you also don't have to make any decisions now either. Sometimes, just shifting your focus from him to you and "us" to you can make all the difference. We sometimes expect someone to be the be all and end all to our lives, when if we get our needs met in several different places - through friendships, hobbies, passions, events, animals, children, classes, etc. - we find the answers become that much clearer.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Is Lisa wasting her time with this man? Tell us your thoughts in the comments!

How Self-Love Saved My Dating Life

14 Comments

Today’s post has been contributed by Alexis Meads, a lifestyle and wellness coach.

When I was in my early 20's, I moved to a new city, broke out of my comfy relationship and started a financial career in search of my dreams.

I went on dates, spent my newly earned money and partied. My life seemed good from the outside and it was exciting and fun…for a while.

A few years into this new lifestyle I realized that I hated my job, I never got over my first love, I had gained 20 pounds and racked up some hefty credit card debt.

I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted or how to get there.

I thought that if I just met the “perfect” guy, than I would be happy and all would be well. So I spent all my time searching hopelessly. I went out with my friends, tried internet dating, met guys at work. But in every single relationship I either found myself bored and unhappy, or seriously hung up on unemotionally available men.

I was keeping myself busy to avoid being alone. Sitting still and being alone meant that I had to face my own demons. I was scared that I’d realize how lonely I was. The voice on Friday night that said, “you’re tired, do something for yourself, just stay in” would be silenced in fear of feeling like a failure.

After receiving my M.A. at Harvard University and still not having any luck in the dating world, plus feeling dissatisfied with my life all around, I did what any normal person would do…up and moved to Hawaii.

I spent the next four months in what I now look back as my “self-love discovery.” Although I didn’t know it at the time, that is exactly what it was.

For the first time, on my own, I learned what it was that I really wanted. I found that I loved to dance and did it daily, I spent time meditating, shed that 20 pounds by treating my body right and learned how to say no. I began accepting myself, and from that acceptance, began dreaming up my ideal life.

I no longer felt lonely when I was alone.

When I moved back to the mainland as Hawaiians call it, excited about my new life and focusing on myself for the first time, an unexpected thing happened.

I met someone.

And he didn't check off my previous boxes. I had always gone for a certain “type” of guy that I was attracted to, but that also never worked out. I was made to believe that “the one” would just show up and sweep me off my feet and it would all be happily ever after. Plus the timing with this new guy seemed all wrong.

Luckily the universe had grander plans than our own. Even though I wasn't out looking for a relationship, now that I had fully embraced myself, it was looking for me.

I kept him in the friend zone for a while, convinced that this wasn't the guy for me and not the right time. However, I couldn't deny that I enjoyed spending time with him. That I felt comfortable talking to him and that when he hugged me it felt like home.

One fated day on the beach, after a really fun time with him, I made a final attempt to keep him at arms length. Even with growing feelings, I told him that I just wanted to be friends. To my total shock and awe, he said “okay”.

Like it was nothing! I figured for sure he’d be angry, or controlling, or never speak to me again. Like every other guy in my past. But he just said “okay”, completely willing to let me go, and then even had the audacity to see if I wanted to hang out again as friends the next day!

I’m pretty sure I fell in love with him at that moment.

Here was the first man who had come into my life who would allow me to be in a relationship while also allowing me to be free.

We are now engaged to be married in Greece this May. While it’s not always perfect, its perfect for me. I have grown so much within this relationship and feel blessed to have found it. But it would have never happened if I hadn't first found myself.

Alexis Meads received her M.A. at Harvard University. She is a Certified Wellness Coach and Self-Love Expert. She helps women to fall madly in love, feel sexy and confident every day and create a life full of adventure.

You’re Already Her!

10 Comments

No, that’s not a typo. It’s not a place we’re talking about, it’s a person.

You.

You know all those things we keep aspiring to be? All those places we keep aspiring to get to in our level of awareness? All those parts of ourselves we’re working on and trying so hard to overcome? All those things we’re constantly beating ourselves up about and trying to do differently?

That perfect version of ourselves that we're struggling to become.

What if you were already her? We do such damage to ourselves when we’re so hard on ourselves, berating ourselves for all the things we should have done differently, should have known better, should have seen coming, if only we were already there! But what if you were?

What if you already have everything you need to know within yourself, what if within you was everything you needed to be that beautiful, confident woman you want to be? To be that beacon radiating out your beautiful essence of who you truly are. What if all that was missing was simply for you to realize this to fill in that one missing piece?

You!

You see, I received a letter recently from one of our readers who was telling me of a trip she’s taking to a place where I had lived for a while. The memory of this place came crashing back to me, and along with it came the memory that the entire time I lived there it was for one reason and one reason only: to try to convince someone of my worth and why he should choose me.

For almost three long years that was my one and only purpose in life until I finally realized I couldn't make him love me the way I dreamed our future could be if only he would realize it, too.

The experience left my self-esteem and self-confidence in tatters. The memory got me thinking about what I would have done so differently now if only I had realized all that I've learned -and lived- since then.

I now know that I had it all within me even back then, I just hadn't realized it.

And that’s why I’m here to remind you of what you might not realize either.

Be that woman.

Be the woman who’s so confident, who’s so sure of herself and her power. What’s keeping you from seeing that? What’s keeping you from believing that? What’s holding you back from living like her? What’s stopping you from giving yourself permission to be her? Who are you allowing to hold this kind of power over you? Who are you letting define you and limit who you can be and what you can do?

You’re her, my beautiful friend. She’s already there.

Release her; release the you that you know is in there, and go out and create that beautiful life that’s just waiting for you to embrace it. It’s full of all the love in the world that’s ever been there for you, but it only begins when you tap into that overflowing cup of self-love for your true, beautiful self.

You can do this. You know you are this. You might not recognize her when you first catch a glimpse of her when she steps out like this, but trust me, you know her already.

She’s YOU!

He Disappeared Without An Explanation

106 Comments

A man is walking down a path through a green field into misty fog representing a man who disappeared without an explanation from his relationship. — I am in so much pain.

Our dear friend, Sophia, has recently had an experience with "the disappearing man" and needs our help!

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I have been reading your blogs and they have really made me start to look at my life. The information is very helpful and also the advice of others that read your blog.

I am in so much pain. I recently got dumped by the disappearing man. It has been very hard because even though I felt like something was wrong and asked him throughout the relationship did he want to be with me he lied and said that he did.

My problem is I have read the blogs on letting go and your recently one today about using your head and heart, but am so angry.

I still want to see him, I still think about him, and I still want an answer to why even though I know there really is no reason for you to just disappear on someone without an explanation.Continue Reading

3 Things to be Thankful For In Your Love Life

14 Comments

It's Thanksgiving here in the United States, and I wanted to take the opportunity to let all of you know just how thankful I am that you're all here, and for the words of encouragement that you share with me and with our community.

I also wanted to thank you for sharing your lives with me and touching my heart with your personal stories.

If I had my wish, I’d want all of us to spend Thanksgiving together this year.

Forget the logistics, because, yes, I’m well aware that we’d have to rent a small stadium to hold all of us, but wouldn't it be wonderful?

All of us together, free to be our best, most beautiful selves, free to do what we want and live the way we want. Just enjoying the day without worrying about what others are thinking, wondering if they're judging us for being alone.

You could just be.

You could just enjoy.

Free of the worry about those inevitable questions from your well-intentioned family members about whether you are dating anyone, leaving you to wondering about the hidden messages behind the questions.

Barring us all getting together in this one joyous gathering that I can, at least right now, only dream about, we can at least be with each other in spirit. We can feel good knowing that we all have a safe place to turn, a community of beautiful, encouraging women that we can reach out to in order to get the support we need.

So, in the spirit of being thankful, I wanted to convey to you a sense of what I hope for you to feel this holiday season. I want you to see that it’s not about any lack. It’s not about anything you don’t have. It’s about what you do have!

It's about seeing the opportunity, the endless possibilities that lie before you. It's about being grateful for everything that you have in your life right now, and forgetting about what you think might be missing. You see, what very few of us see when we’re still in it, when we’re still in that place where things aren't yet the way we pictured our lives at this point in time, is that we have some very special things to be thankful for.

So, while there are many more, and I'll ask you to come up with your own that apply to your specific life and circumstances, to get you started here are three things you can all be thankful for in your love life right now:

1. You!

Yes, you know that beautiful woman otherwise known as you? The one that knows her own worth, who refuses to settle for anything less than she knows she deserves? You know how she figured this all out?

By going through what you've been through.

By being willing to put yourself out there and refusing to let your heart get hardened.

Few of us learn the things we do without going through our heartbreaks the hard way. Few of us remain unscathed. And yet, just by getting to this point, just by finding your way here, you’re showing that you've got that resilience to rediscover your true beautiful self and find a love for yourself first that you never knew you were capable of.

It’s only when we learn to love ourselves like this, that we shine that beautiful light of our true selves bright enough so that someone who’s truly deserving of you will be able to see exactly the woman he’s been looking to find in you.

2. That he didn't call or wouldn't commit.

I know it seems like the last thing you want to be thankful for. After all, that’s exactly what you wanted – you wanted him to call or maybe you were hoping for a commitment from him.

But please hear me when I say that if he wasn't there, if he wasn't on the same page as you, the very last thing you would have wanted in the end was a guy who was leading you on, giving you just enough to keep you hanging, wasting your life away waiting for him to finally be ready for commitment.

You would have found yourself in that miserable kind of a non-relationship with a guy who isn't really into you, a guy who is committing just enough for you to stay stuck in a relationship that he didn't really want.

No matter how much you wanted it to work out, know that you only knew the part of the story that was all about the potential only you were seeing; the rest of the story was the reality that he knew he wasn't on your page. The only ending that two people on different pages end up with is heartbreak, and you know you deserve more than that.

3. For all that is still to come.

This isn't how your story ends, no matter how much it seems like it sometimes. Your life up until now has just been one story, one way of seeing, one way of living. You are just beginning to catch a glimpse of the life that is still waiting for you.

We can get so stuck in that place of doubt, where we begin to think that the love and the life we desire, the life that seems so effortless for everyone else, is somehow out of our own reach. But when we come to see that there isn't a select chosen few who somehow deserve more, when we come to see that there is nothing we don’t have that someone else has, a type of shifting begins to happen. We start to question, we start to say why not me?, and we start to see the cultural factors that have played into a programming of how we believe ourselves and our lives to be.

With every learning experience along the way, a little more light shines through. A new way of seeing becomes that much more of a possibility, and a new energy and confidence begins to replace what was once only heartbreak and despair.

It doesn't matter where you've been, or what you've been through. See yourself the way I see you; see all that is still to come for you the way I see it for you. You haven’t been forgotten, you haven’t been passed by. Keep that beautiful dream alive in your heart and soul and don’t let anyone or anything extinguish it.

You have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday and every day!

How about you? What are you thankful for in your life right now? Tell us about it in the comments!

What Expectations Are Reasonable?

30 Comments

One of our beautiful readers, Kathy, recently wrote me a letter that brought up many points that really resonated with me. So many of the things she wrote about are such central themes to this blog, and I know from her letter that what she really needs right now is our support.

Her letter:

Hi Jane,

I feel like I'm treading water surviving the emotional pain that's ongoing as I adjust to my boyfriend of 4 years breaking up with me suddenly..turning me off like a faucet after telling me he is in love zillions of times..that we are compatible etc.

In response to your newsletter and so many painful stories people share it seems like so often it's difficult when one is in a relationship to know what expectations are reasonable. If we haven't had good role models in our past sometimes we don't trust our instincts when we "think" there are red flags. I said think to show doubt..as often we don't even know if everyone has these kinds of problems!

Often when we find something in the relationship to be upsetting to us..and we share that with our boyfriend getting a negative result we can feel like OUR perspective on the situation is the problem because we don't have confidence in knowing what is reasonable...or we don't trust our instincts.

Also I find myself being the introspective one in a relationship..if a conflict arises I think about what I can do to make things better and I put myself in check to understand why something is so important to me. It's so painful when one's partner is not also caring enough to think about their own behavior or position.

When one doesn't trust their instincts or perceptions then there can be an unfortunate result of caving in to another's position. Eventually this can even become demeaning to one's self. It seems that if two are truly in love they'd be willing to do whatever it takes to resolve a conflict, to compromise at the very least..and to absolutely seek to share their thoughts and understand.

Jane, thank you so much for all your support!

My response:

I so hear you, Kathy; everything you're saying, and exactly as you're saying it. We can feel so alone in this, feeling like we are the only ones going through this journey of trying to navigate what is reasonable, what is not, and how to honor and love yourself while still relating to another person with their own ideas about the same things at the same time.

And when we're not sure if we're worth it, or if we can trust ourselves, let alone what anyone else says, we drift even further from our beautiful true selves.

I'll be addressing some of your thoughts here in some future posts, Kathy; you've brought up some of the very things I used to ask myself. You're never alone in what you're going through and as hard as it is right now, stay with yourself, listen to your own beautiful heart and soul and know that you will get through this by remembering that this is about him, not you; that you have to be on the same page to have a real relationship, and that the very last thing you want to do is blame yourself or beat yourself up here for anything you think you could or "should" have done differently.

We all do the best we can with what we know at the time.

Much love to you, my beautiful friend. We're going to get there to that place where it doesn't matter about our past and what we didn't have or didn't get doesn't matter. You are worth more than this and just because someone behaved a certain way or answered you in a certain way doesn't mean there is anything wrong with what you want or what you're asking for.

You can't ask for too much from someone who is right for you!

Love,

Jane

Can you offer any additional words of encouragement and support for our beautiful friend Kathy? Tell us in the comments!

M	T	W	T	F	S	S
			1	2	3	4
5	6	7	8	9	10	11
12	13	14	15	16	17	18
19	20	21	22	23	24	25
26	27	28	29	30	31

Am I Wasting My Time?

Her letter:

My Response:

How Self-Love Saved My Dating Life

You’re Already Her!

You.

You!

Be that woman.

He Disappeared Without An Explanation

Here's her story:

3 Things to be Thankful For In Your Love Life

1. You!

2. That he didn't call or wouldn't commit.

3. For all that is still to come.

What Expectations Are Reasonable?

Her letter:

My response:

Latest Tweets

Recent Comments

Calendar