Who am I?
When I look back at some of my toughest single days – the days when I really questioned whether I was ever going to get it right in the relationship department, I realize that so much of the heartbreak and fear of abandonment that I felt stemmed from not really knowing who I was.
Oh, I thought I did.
But I didn’t understand that in order to connect with another person in a real relationship, you have to first connect with yourself, to understand who you really are, what makes you tick, what you’re all about, and all things related. Not just who you’ve been brought up to be.
Not who your parents told you you were by the things they said and the way they treated you. Not who your friends and past boyfriends tell you you are by the ways they treat you. Not who your coworkers and bosses tell you you are by the way they interact with you and judge you.
You've been told who you are
All of these outside sources, people close to us but still completely outside of ourselves that we often don’t consciously think about, tell us about ourselves by the way they treat us.
It begins early on with our parents, and gradually expands to include all the people we’ve come to interact with. Somewhere along the way we end up with a view of ourselves that reflects what other people see.
Eventually we end up influenced so much by this treatment of us that we don’t have a clue who we really are inside -without these people’s opinions.
Do you get that?
You can change it
So let’s do something about this.
If you’re like I was (and most of us are), I subconsciously became so focused on what other people thought of me that I didn’t even know there was a me without another person validating me.
So being alone was a really scary thing.
And that’s probably why I would choose to be in a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere, wasn’t in my best interest, because it was better to be in it than to be alone. Especially if I didn’t believe there was someone better out there for me.
And I didn’t.
So if you find yourself getting what I’m saying here, you can do something about it right now.
Get to know yourself.
Find out who you really are.
It begins by asking yourself some basic questions that you may not have thought about before. Like what do you like to do?
What do you really like to do.
So if your guy were to ask you, instead of saying, “whatever you want to do”, what would you say if it didn’t matter what he wanted? And then ask yourself what drives you, what excites you, what are you passionate about?
What would you do if you could do anything? (Because you can!) Where would you go if you could go anywhere? (Because you can!) What would you be if you could be anything? (Because you can!)
Then find a guy that's right for you
Here’s the really important question … would you be in the relationship you’re in if you truly believed you were worthy of the real thing – true love? If not, what type of guy would you be with?
Then describe him.
Because once you know yourself, once you figure out who you really are, what you enjoy, and what you are passionate about - then - and only then - you can begin to understand what you’re really looking for.
It matters. Because without a you, you’re just a mirror of a him, and let me tell you, you’re no mirror; you’re it.
You have worth and you matter and you have everything you need inside you just the way you are, just because you exist. And that’s why getting clear on who that person is inside you is the first step to getting to true love.
The real thing.
This post is an excerpt from my book Find Your True Love: 10 Simple Steps to Getting the LOVE You Want...and Deserve. Want more? Get your free copy here.