Our dear friend, Sophia, has recently had an experience with "the disappearing man" and needs our help!
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I have been reading your blogs and they have really made me start to look at my life. The information is very helpful and also the advice of others that read your blog.
I am in so much pain. I recently got dumped by the disappearing man. It has been very hard because even though I felt like something was wrong and asked him throughout the relationship did he want to be with me he lied and said that he did.
My problem is I have read the blogs on letting go and your recently one today about using your head and heart, but am so angry.
I still want to see him, I still think about him, and I still want an answer to why even though I know there really is no reason for you to just disappear on someone without an explanation.
I feel like this may become an obsession and I do not want this to happen. I realize today that it will be going on a month since he disappeared from my life, but I seem to be focus on just that.
I am hopeful that others that have been through this experience can help me. I know am meant for someone better and something better in my life, but why do I feel like someone was the one when they obvious did not feel that way about me!
I am at a place where I want to heal and be healthy, will this ever happen?
My Response:
It will happen, Sophia; you will heal and be healthy.
Know that it's a process; this dance of letting go and moving on. It never happens as fast as we'd like it to, but over time as you begin to find yourself again as your own person and engage in those activities and relationships with people that bring you joy and happiness, you will find a gradual shifting back to your own beautiful center.
Embrace all the emotions that come up for you. Of course you're angry; it's all part of grieving this loss, which is just as much about the loss of your dreams and plans and hopes with him, as it is about him.
Write out your feelings. Write out all the things you want to say to him, and what you want him to know, but don't share it with him. This is about you, finding that deep inner strength within you that is always there.
When you're ready, try to see beyond the anger to the practical reality of what is. As much as you want this relationship to be everything you saw the potential for, he wasn't there, Sophia. He couldn't pretend any longer. He didn't know how to tell you - and he probably didn't want to hurt you - so he thought that lying to you was easier.
This wasn't about you; it was, and is, about him. Try to focus on what this is about - two people on two different pages who want different levels of commitment - and nothing for you to take personally!
You didn't do anything wrong, Sophia; there isn't anything you could have done or been to give this a different outcome.
You can't make anyone love you or be there where you are. It's heartbreaking, but it's the truth. And realizing this will help you to start healing.
You didn't ask for too much; your expectations weren't unreasonable. You knew all this deep down, and that's why you asked him about it. You knew!
Trust yourself, trust in that knowing, and let that same knowing open up new doors, and new relationships that are just waiting for you to see them all around you. Comfort yourself by knowing that if he gets there, if he gets to that same page, he knows how to reach you.
You'll be the first to know, and then you can decide what you want to do. But don't wait for it; don't wait for him. There's a beautiful life of yours to be lived right now.
Don't waste another single minute waiting for someone else; this is your time! Let that glimmer of hope shine through and show you all that you deserve, and all that is your birthright - right now! Simply because you are you!
Love,
Jane
Do you have any words of encouragement for our beautiful friend Sophia? Tell us in the comments!
Hi Sophia,
I have been reading Jane’s work for a very long time and I always admire her way of thinking. This time I am of a different opinion about your situation. You can take it or leave it.
You started a relationship with this man that lasted 3 months. Right from the get go, you wanted to know where this is going. How on earth can anyone, man or woman, know where it is going and how committed they want to be after just a few dates? It takes a lot longer for a man, especially for a man, to have no doubts about a commitment to a certain woman that he is just starting to get to know. Men do not enjoy pressure from the women they date. This is a lifetime commitment we are talking about, as in for the rest of your life!!, not what to eat today or what to wear!! He did introduce you to his business partner - that’s huge!!, he wasn’t being secretive or hiding your relationship, he said when you feel it’s right he will want to meet your parents - that’s huge!! He treated you like he loves you and you say he was devastated when you told him he is preventing you from giving other men a chance.
Of course he is going to run, I am not a man and I would run if some man was putting so much pressure on me to commit after just a few dates. You don’t know that much about his habits and he doesn’t know about yours just because you slept together.
Babe, love takes time to develop. Sometimes years, sometimes just a few months but it needs patience and dedication. I can’t stress it enough - this is a lifetime decision! It’s not something that a magic wand can make it happen. How do you know it won’t drive you up the wall if he grinds his teeth at night, if he burps after dinner, if he laughs at stupid jokes, if he spends time gambling, if he is a cheater, if he has some crazy past? You can’t know this after such a short time so how can you expect him to decide to make a commitment of a lifetime to you after such a short time? Men in general are afraid of a commitment so you need to be patient and gentle in your approach about the subject. I could understand if it was at least a year that you do that but 3 months??
He told you himself - take it easy and see where it is going, but you didn’t want to hear it!
I hope you will take my view into consideration even if you decide against pursuing this man who disappeared (with a good reason) and it will go into the next relationship.
Give it time babe, no use in rushing a good thing. It’s like a half cooked meal. Can you rush the cooking? Will it taste good if it’s not fully cooked?
A marriage starts with puppy love and it grows from then on. It takes 2 to tango, it’s hard work and devotion to one another. It is so easy to get married but young people today give up so fast after a few fights, no compromising, no trying, it’s also so easy to get a divorce. This is why 60% of marriages end up in divorce. It shouldn’t be a spur of a moment’s decision to get married. It has to be for the right reason. Why do you love him so much? Is it his looks? Is it his money? Is it his status? Or is it because he truly and whole heartedly makes you happy!!
There is a saying that I find very true in every situation:
Do not marry the one you THINK you can live with, marry the one you can’t live without! Now do you understand that in order to know you can’t live without that person, you need time??
I am talking to you like you are my daughter, Sophia! I would tell my kids the same (I have 3). My kids married for love and their marriages are solid! My daughter in law tells me that she is so proud of the way I raised my son because he is the best husband she could ask for. The same with my sons in law.
So I am a grandma of 5 now and I just want you to know that it all came from my heart so that you will act differently next time if this man is completely out of your life.
Hugs......
Sophia- I am still trying to come to terms with my disappearing man. I don't understand why, what or how this could happen. We first met in our 20s, I knew he was the one, we spent nearly every day together, great friends as well as everything else. We were together for over a year and then he was gone- no reasons, no good bye, just gone.
We found each other again after 30 years, both of us married and divorced, met up and it took off again. I lived in a different state, but we spoke regularly for hours and then he had plans to come see me. We spoke about it, picking him up at the airport, what we would do when he was here, and then I never heard from him again. I texted, called, emailed and nothing. This was just over a year ago.
My heart is broken by him again, and hard as I try, it doesn't seem to heal or get much better because I know what could have been had he not run away. How do I know? Because no one has made me feel the way he did. It hurt terribly, but we have to accept that we may never know what happened or why. He obviously can't express it whether it's fear, someone else came along, or he was just having a good time until he got bored. I don't understand how anyone could play with someone else's heart that way, knowing how the other person feels.
Give yourself time to reach that point where you just accept, no closure except within yourself by realising there is nothing more you can do. Maybe for you he will come back but then it's up to you where it goes. I know for me I will not be giving my heart away again- at least not so easily.
Wishing you well with peace you will find inside of you.
Great perspective! Very true, men are slower at processing and do need the time. He did show he was interested, he just needed to come around at his pace and not Sophia's speed. As women do we focus too much on the 'where are we going' in this relationship rather than taking the time to see someone for who they are. As a 50 year old woman I am seeing and learning that right now with the man I am dating. The more I give him his space, the more he opens up and comes around. Yes my anxiety kicks in and my tapes of self doubt play through my head but that is one me, not on him. Having this awareness now allows me to do what I need to do to distract myself from these negative tapes that play. Life certainly is a journey with many new pages and chapters.
hi everyone
I am glad there are sites like this. It is somehow helps in moving on.
I had a bf of three months who just decided to stop talking to me, this all happened just last June18. I didn’t like him at the beginning but then I saw the good in him and trusted all the words he said about him being a good man so if I am looking for a long term relationship then he is the one, how he cannot take another break-up so he is looking for a serious one (he is divorced long time ago as in about 20years), how he believed in Karma and that he is a conscientious man. All these made me believe him and like him more. He drinks a lot thought. I on the other hand don’t drink at all. when he is drunk and forgets about meet ups or calling me, I get upset, as I feel like it was affecting the relationship. He tried to control and even ask for my permission to drink when we are together or on video call (I never told him to ask for my permission or tell me anything when he is drinking–I just told him to control it). With regards to leaving without goodbye, we just randomly sharing our deepest thoughts about relationships, we agreed that if that time comes when we don’t want to stay in the relationship, we have to say it and not just leave. He agreed and said that leaving without a goodbye is such a bad thing.
So came June 18, the 2nd day that I didn’t hear from him. I tried to call him but no answer (although I knew that he was already up and about because our phone then was link so we can see our step count), then after a while he called back. He just sounded like nothing happened like he didn’t ignore me the day before and asked me how I was. I just replied in a monotone saying I was ok. Then he inserted saying that he didn’t answer the phone because it was on silent and that he was feeling awful because he had drank a lot the night before–Hang over as he said. I said ok. and then he was gonna do something so he said he will call me back to see what I am doing later that evening. He would usually call back. But that was it, nothing. It was weird, because a few nights ago he was still saying how amazing I was, all those sweet words, and then telling me how much he miss me and that could mean something. All these words just a few days before he disappeared!
I tried sending him messages. not angry ones, but saying that if we are ending the relationship we should at least talk and have a closure. Nothing from him. Silence like he just vanished. My last message was to tell him I respect his decision and that I am moving on with life. Later on, I heard from his friend that he said he just feel tired of feeling like a teenager-I suppose this is about the drinking thing that I get upset about. That’s it. relationship over.
It still haunts me and makes me cry. It is not easy. but day by day, I can feel strength and peace coming into me. I thank my family, friends and websites like this for the support. Most importantly, thanks to God for always giving us hope. With His great power, we will heal and learn to love again.
I understand both your hurt and your confusion. That was me 35 years ago. I met the man of my dreams, but I too had the same experiences with drinking concerns. Many nights, many days, so much pain and anger during the 32 years of marriage to an alcoholic. You can deny all you want, as I did, that’s what’s going on here. After four drunk driving incidents, years in and out of recovery, trying to fix, support, forgive, love, sacrifice, etc for him to change. It won’t work. Please let it go now. I knew deep down I should have, but just couldn’t. I paid a huge price for that decision. Note at 65, hoping to find love and someone to share my life. Maybe I will, maybe not. I wish you the best and the strength to do what I didn’t do.
I’m going through this right now...the second time a guy disappeared on me. The latest guy just became my bf a few weeks ago but has already stopped contacting me after I came back from a trip, and it has been almost a month since we last met. He gave me crap excuses like “I’m busy” and he just stopped talking completely. I’m broken. I’m really broken.
You will feel broken, Light, but what you are is awakened. Awakened to the reality that you can no longer ignore. It's only your beautiful heart that feels so much that can't yet discern the difference between broken and enlightened in a way that's just beginning to shine the light on where you're supposed to be instead of with someone who dares to give you these excuses that insult your intelligence and break you down for being the light he can't see.
Hi Sophia,-
Bless you! I am going through the same emotional pain as you are. It is horrible! Very raw at the moment.
My ex-fiancé left me for another woman two days ago- so I know what you are feeling. Try to move on, I'm going to have to, but it will take time.
I am in SO MUCH PAIN at the moment BECAUSE of him I don't know where to turn. \You are not alone though. Lovely thoughts going out to you- take care xxx
Am going through the same situation right now. Its close to a year we've been dating. I didn't really know he was the disappearing man. During the initial stages of the relationship I knew deep down in ma heart dat I couldn't trust him. From his constant lies, to his inconsistency to his coldness, I knew one day he was gonna leave e. A few days to ma burfdae, I didn't hear from him, neither did he call to wish me a happy birthday n surprisingly, I haven't tried to check up on him or asked why. Have known about Geminis for a while now buh reading your blogs jxt recently gave me a proper insight into who the "disappearing man"really is.Honestly, I questioned maslf a lot when he started ignoring me because I didn't really know what I did wrong. Have been crying for days but after reading everything here, I realized I wasn't at fault buh he is. Am bent on leaving things as they are now and move on in ma life so ma dear, do same cus we all got ur back. We're all in this together. Its jxt a mater of time n then u'll be alright, trust me. Its been a week since he starer "ghosting"me even though I see him online normally.
I have had seven years of this now with my bf he has just left again a few days ago, no calls no texts nothing, it drives you crazy and it's so hard to accept that someone you share your life with can treat you with such lack of thought and consideration, I said I wouldn't take him back last time and I was starting to get in with my life! But alas his promises and bullshit reeled me in again for the last 9months only to be left again, sick of this awfull pattern
He sounds like a narcissist. Actually all the men in these stories sound like narcissists. Read up about this personality disorder. It’s interesting. And most narcs go after women who are empaths, the ones that have the kindest most loving hearts. Ladies guard your hearts from these types of men!!!! I know I’ve had to.
Same thing happen to me! I met this guy. Drop dead gorgeous. I was a little apprehensive but I gave it. I wasn't trying to date or get to know him because of past issues with men. Anyway, he was charming and cool. He just recently got his divorced finalize. We went on two dates. The first date, I paid and the second he paid. On the second date night, his car caught a flat and we wound up waiting hours for someone to tie us away. Anyway, he dropped me off home, because he lives almost 3 hours away from me and was doing most of the driving, I allowed him to stay the night by me. We were intimidate that night. The next day, we had plans to go to a lounge, but he canceled because he said "something came up". I said cool and didn't make a big deal. Then I didn't hear from him for almost 2 weeks before I texted to ask him was he ok, of course he hit me with the "I been busy" line. Again, I didn't make a fuss because technically we aren't bf:gf. He made plans to make it up to me that following Sunday. You guessed it, no call no show. I texted him the following day and asked what happen, no response. Then I sent him this long text telling him how I don't want to get my feelings hurt and it's obvious that he's not interested in and I told him I'm not upset or mad just disappointed. Again, no response. Do you think he would ever tell me what happen or do you think that's the last I would hear from Mr. Disappear ?
Nothing happened. He's just not a guy worth your time. As you said, he's not interested.
It's awful we've gone through this, but at least we're not alone. I just went through this. Nov. 20th is the last day I saw/heard from him. It's only been 6 months that we were together, but it felt like the best of my life and I was absolutely in love with who he portrayed to be. I did see signs that something was wrong, but when I was with him, he made me feel as though I was just afraid to let my feelings blossom. Then everything started to happen one event after another. The gaslighting, the ghosting, feeling like I wasn't understanding or patient enough... everything became about him. I knew I should end it because I started having anxiety attacks, I couldn't concentrate at work, I lost weight... I was all consumed. Then I searched the internet for answers and realized I was dealing with a person with serious emotional issues, serously. I am willing to accept the healing phase from him just up and leaving without explanation. Amongst all else, a person who loves, cares for you the way you deserve, just wouldn't do this. The void of empathy is so disturbing and renders him completely untrustworthy. Hope he stays away.
This 'phenomenon' is called 'Ghosting', look it up, very interesting and consistent pattern of behaviour in some people especially associated with Social Media users.
This happened to me 2 days ago. I was in a relationship with an awesome guy who could have been tailor made for me. We were great together and went away for a holiday two weeks ago. We had started planning a future, mostly encouraged by him. He told me I was 'perfect for him for the last part of his journey' (were both 50+). He introduced me to his family and it was clear that he never brought anyone home before because of the fuss they made, everyone was there and some came over after work. Anyway, we came back from hols marvelling at what an awesome time we had and how it further confirmed we are on the right track; he talked about moving in and he started staying over since then. All was lovey dovey, including a wonderfully loving Sunday. Then Monday I didnt get the morning text nor the call at lunch time to 'touch base' with each others day. He said he sent them, came over after. Tuesday, no text or call then BOOM 2.30pm (his usual lunchtime call time) I get a text 'Dunno how to start but I dont want a relationship at the moment....I love you but I want to go it alone for a time'.....................then nothing! I couldnt reply cos he blocked me from whatsapp text; blocked me from facebook immediately too..........ninte since then, not a sausage...................Ghosting at its best. I am turned inside out upside down, I feel like I have been blasted into a brick wall and nothing makes sense any more.
I've been reading from dating coaches the reasons many men do this. It's making me crazy as it just happened to me after all the wonderful stuff you described after a wonderful six month ride
In 2014, we broke up and he change his number the first time. I contact him on Facebook and ask him 'why did you change your number without no explanation'. He ignore my messages and act like never read it. When I started to move on with my life, being single and happy. He contact me a year in half later, to apologize what he said to me and I forgive him. We spending time together and have fun. I thought he would be a different person and mature. It turn out, he did it again, change his number again. This time is the second time. He don't give me a reasons why and explanation changing his number. When I tried to contact him on Facebook messager, he ignoring me and don't want talk to me at all. I feel very hurt why would he do that to me again.
Very sorry. I meant he ended up not caring as much. Typing omission error! Sherry Ritter
It seems that he really did end up caring as much as you did. He wasn't as committed. You take this experience to grow and learn what you DONT want in a man. You can be stronger or be stunted by another human being. Choosing to build discernment and self esteem is learned through situations like this. Decide to enjoy yourself and the gift of the day God has given you!! He is not worth this pain-you are better than this!
Hi Jane
I have been in a relationship with this guy for 5 years. In a year and a half of being together, I realised I loved him. He fell in love with me, 7 months into the relationship. Our relationship was a complete roller coaster. We both have cheated, he flirted with my best friend and we broke up a few times due to pride issues.
But what hurts is that I was always the one working hard to fix things even though he would be the one to come back after each break up. I loved him so much, I started to see just him in my future. I asked God for a sign that he was the one for me. I feel he is but that could be the love talking. He taught me how to love myself through him loving me. He taught me how to see that I am beautiful too. Being an insecure person is hard cause every girl poses a threat even if it's just a friend. He would drive over to see me. His family knew about me and they loved me.
He said he was gonna marry me. He kept saying that. Public and private. He told people I was going to be his wife. We talked for ours about our future together. He would try hard to make me understand just how serious he was. He taught me how to fight out our differences until we felt good and we understood why we were both wrong in the situation. He never liked going to bed with unresolved issues. He loved peace.
In the last month, he disappeared. He just stopped all communication with me. He sent a text 2 weeks ago asking to meet up so he could explain everything, face to face and he loves me, but he never came back to me about where and when. So we never met up. I feel devastated. I am beyond heartbroken. How can the person who loved hard be the one heartbroken? I feel so insecure. I want to ask why. I feel he might have found better looking women. But couldn't he end things instead if leaving me distraught like this? Confused on whether to move on or not. Does he still love me? Will he come back? Am I that ugly that he can't even say goodbye? It hurts so bad. Why did it happen to me?? Why? ??
I was in a one year relationship with a guy who was 2 years separated and almost one year divorced. We met online and progressed slowly. Things were easy and when together were magical. I finally found someone special. He did have trouble communicating which he always made known and we worked together on improving this in our relationship. I now look back and see signs of him pulling away because he was scared. He even told me one night he was scared of getting hurt. We had a really heartfelt conversation about it and thought that was a huge step in our connecting. He ended up via text blowing me off one night and I felt my stomach sink. I sent him a flurry of texts asking him to call and explain. That's the least he could do after a year. He texted he didn't want to talk about it and sent "it's not u its me" freakin line! I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks. I thought he had truly done his processing and was in a good place. I guess there were still issues he was still dealing with. I know in my heart he loved me dearly. We both met each other's families and got along great. Will he ever realize he just threw away the best thing ever ? I'm still trying to cope with this trauma.
I am going through this right now its been 11 days since his disappearing act and I find out bits and pieces from people and family about what a scumbag he is and I know I did not deserve to be treated like that with no explanation, at first I blamed myself that but Im learning that I knew all along and seen so many red flags but I really cared about him and he cared about me but not enough to be honest,...story short its like a really good movie or book with the shittiest ending ever and I know there will be a movie with a Happy ending one day.
Thank you, Jane, for this very encouraging article. The Dissappearing Act just happened to me recently. It has hurt so much, and your article has helped me make sense of it. Thank you for the comfort. I am going to start reading your articles!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Audrey. Sorry for your hurt, but glad you've found some comfort here. 🙂
Hello All,
I'm in desperate need of your opinions.
About 3 years ago I met this guy and tthere was something about him I couldn't shake and come to find out he felt the same way about me but every time he'd try to flirt with me I wouldn'tgive my all I guess because I was still trying to figure him out and then I disappeared on him because all of these people were consistently in my ear talking about him in a negative way so I just walked away (Whic Iis a no-no but I did it) and then the next year came around and he called me on it and then we started back up again and that didn't last long because 3 days after we were "back on" my friend said she'd mentioned me to him and he'd said all these horrible things about me so I walked awaywithout cconfronting him about it and then we didn't speak for at least 8 months until I got a text message in the wee hours of the morning and it was from him. He got my contact information from afriend of mine and at that point I finally confronted him about the horrible things he'd supposedly said about me and he denied it all so i instantly contacted the friend who told me about it in the first places and she said he did say it so she contacted him immediately and they began going back and forth needless to say i let it go because he got upset at me , I'm assuming he got fed up with me walking away all the time and he gave me an ultimatum and basically said he's struggling with whether to walk away from me or keep chasing me so I said okay, I'mready for you. And then it really started, we talked everyday all day and could never stop smiling at each other and that went on for a few months until I started to feel that something was off and I askedhim about it and of course he said there was nothing wrong until our conversations started dwindling and then nothing and it broke my heart.
i guess what I'm asking is do i finally confront him not necessarily to patch things up but just for closure?
P.s. It was weird that when asked what he loved most about me he smiled at me and said"how forgiving you are,you forgive me for my bullshit." red flag i guess!but back then i was happy with him...
Reading about other peoples' experiences has given me some strength.It has been a month today since i last heard from him.our relationship lasted for about a year.before that we dated for three months,but he vanished.he came back two months later telling me he would do things differently if he only had another chance with me.i laughed it off and kept talking with him friendly throughout last year.i had forgiven him but didn't want anything romantic.that changed when he begged me back and wooed me.he charmed me,tried to make me fall for him.i gave in after months of him chasing me.we were official,he kept telling the world how much he LOVED me(i never expected to hear these three words from him),drunk dialed me to tell me he is in a pub and can only think of me,hinted a future trip together,told his family about me.but things had always been a bit distant inbetween those great moments.i always felt i could never touch him deeply enough...he became inconsistent,started forgetting to call me,promised to do things which he didn't do in the end.at first i stayed calm.but time passing,he became more and more inconsistent.he could go days without even saying"hi".got drunk often,forgot to pick me up at the airport.or wish me happy new years.i felt like a convenience.he would tell me to "chill","only love matters".i started nagging when i should have ended things.he gave me the silent treatment when he felt conflict was coming,would stay silent on the phone til i get the hint i should hung up.even asking him calmly to tell me what the matter is made him run away.finally,he went back home over christmas and stood me up on skype dates very often,would come online a lot later or not at all.i tried not mentioning anything but one day i blew up.told him how disrespectful he was treating me.he pushed me away telling me he had no time,he was busy booking some tickets to a show.i got angry told him to be honest for once.he never answered.to this day i never heard a word.i know he has done it before,and i am not his only victim i suspect.
The roller coaster of feelings finally stopped,for that i am thankful.i wake up feeling stable.but this behaviour from him feels like a backstab.i believed in all those promises and loving touches.he was the most positive and funny person,with dreamy looks,and everyone was telling,including my family,that i had found a great guy...it hurts.:/
It always hurts initially, Alie, but being free of someone who "forgets" to pick you up, "stands me up on skype dates" and leaves you feeling like nothing more than a convenience is a much better place to be.
True,and this is what i keep telling myself hoping that at some point i will be able to see him as an old"friend".it hurts trusting a second time and being disappointed.i supported him in everything.but he would avoid me after any intimate moment or conversation.it was as if i was not allowed to be 100% there and he often said while drunk that he thinks he is not as exciting as i am,that he thinks of himself as a boring person(he def is NOT).
I guess though that it shouldn't matter anymore...i am trying to reestablish my life after his sudden vanishing act by doing things i have always wanted to do,i kinda lost that while i was focusing on this hot-cold relationship..
This site is really informative and being able to express myself and read other womens'stories,helps me to not feel alone.my folks support me but none of them can really put themselves in that place i am now in. Thanks a lot:)
I'm probably a little late, but I'm going through the same situation at the moment. I've been with him for a year & a half and everything was flowing good, until last Sunday morning when I woke up I tried going onto his Facebook page & I couldn't, he blocked me! So I told my friend to try & go to his page she did & she found that he posted a picture on Saturday night (the day before I found out) of him grabbing some girls hand & kissing her on the cheek. that just completely devastated me. I couldn't believe it. offcourse I cried took my anger out & texted him. He didn't reply. & I haven't heard anything from him. The last time we talked was on Saturday night he was telling me how wonderful he thinks I am and all of a sudden, boom. I just don't understand what happened. He would always tell me that I'm different than the rest. Worst thing is that the girl on the picture is the same girl he always told me not to worry about. I miss him so much but I just have to move foward. My gut instinct always told me there was something wrong, but I never listened. I just hope the best for him. I know that one day he's going to realize what he let go, but it'll be too late.
I'm sorry that happened to you, Lily.
Try not to take this personally. I know that it hurts, but it's good that you found out now. You get to move on and find something better in life. He just wasn't the one, but there's a one out there for you. Don't doubt that for a second.
I'm hugging you right now.
You'll be fine. We'll all be fine in time.
Don't take any of this personally, Lily. It wasn't you. It's him. You've been saved from so much more heartbreak down the road by finding this out now. See, you really can trust your gut instinct! You know! We always do, but we usually don't want to believe it because we want it to work out so badly. It's ok, though, this is usually the only way we can see it. When we want to keep hanging onto something or someone that isn't good for us, they have to do this for us. But the end result is always the same regardless of who finally ends it; you're free. I know it might not feel this way right now, but it's true. You deserve so much more than this!
For the past 41\2 years i have been in a relationship that has been a roller coaster. We broke up and reconciled so many times and always with his promises he wouldn't break up with me again and yet he would. So we moved in together only because he lost his place and wa going to live in his vehicle and because i loved him i took him in. All was wonderful, he went out of town for work and when he came back we were happy. Then he stopped working for 3 months i had to work overtime to make ends meet as i have two kids and he would complain i was never home. After a year we broke up always he wouldn't speak to me and that drives me crazy, I decided i would move and start fresh was doing great and he surfaced again with promises and charm and made me feel like there was no one else on earth. A week ago we had been drinking and although i have a bit of a black out I remember being calm and telling him he was being melodramatic we will talk about it tomorrow that i had to work in the morning so i was going to bed assuming he would follow but he kept saying he had a lot to process. I woke up at 5am reached for him he wasn't there got up and he was gone. I haven't heard from him he wont answer my texts or phone calls. I don't know what i could have possibly said to warrant his action and now im left broken again and searching for a way to cope and move on. He has walked out of his kids lives and his siblings lives with no word so why would i think i was different. I am so hurt and angry, and i deserve so much better, yet i kept letting him back in. Reading what i have written sounds stupid I know, and I am not really an emotionally weak person and when i make a decision i go for it and just when i start to get stronger he pulls me back in. How do I stop looking for closure on why he just left in the middle of the night without a word and move forward because he is in my thoughts way too much for my liking.
We always want someone to answer our "whys", Wendy. We think if we can just understand the reasons for their behavior, we can move on. But the reality is that this rarely ever helps the way we think it will. Instead, it keeps us tied to them, needing something from someone who can't give us what we need in a relationship, let alone when they're no longer with us. We can't move forward because we're still giving them so much of our power, instead of looking for the answers within ourselves.
The reality is that he's only in your life like this - and in your thoughts - if you allow him to be, Wendy. As much as it doesn't seem like it, or it seems like he's the one who has this power over you, if you decide to be, you are that powerful! Once you decide you're done with this rollercoaster ride with him, and you put a stop to it by refusing to allow him to be part of your life or your thoughts anymore, it all stops. But it has to come from you, and you have to want it to stop badly enough.
Ask yourself why you keep letting him back in, Wendy. Figure out why he has such a pull on you despite the way he treats you, or the way you know he is and you will find your answer. What does he have that you don't feel you have without him? What does he bring to your life that you don't believe you can have without him? What can he do that you can't? There's always a reason we allow someone to remain in our lives even though they're not good for us or don't treat us the way we know we deserve to be treated. You're exactly right that you're not emotionally weak, Wendy; you're as strong as you want to be and you can be as strong as you choose to be with him. You're the one doing the choosing here, and whatever you decide is always your own decision.
Thank you Jane everything you said to me I have been saying to myself this past week. I don't know what is is I have been to counseling and realize due to my childhood this is familiar and comfortable and I need to break the circle. Here I am 45 years old and starting a completely new journey. Everyday when i wake up and think of him I say to myself don't give him the power. In reality he didn't really give me anything, his snide comments about the way i looked or my hair or dinner weren't positive things. He was very protective and i think i liked that, in a weird way i felt safe. I believe he has an alcohol problem spoke to him about it but kept letting him back. I have been through way worse in my life than this and that is what confuses me is why he can emotionally mess me up like this. Do i want to stop it badly enough the only way I will have the answer to that is when he re-surfaces as he always does - I am working very hard to be strong enough to not let him back in again.
You're never too old to begin again, Wendy; in fact, it's often only when we've lived more of our lives that we're open to seeing what's really going on and start asking ourselves the questions that we couldn't understand before. I know exactly what you're saying about the familiar and comfortable scenario of our childhood. That kind of awareness is exactly how we start to recognize these patterns in our lives and start breaking the cycle. You're so not alone, my beautiful friend! You are already that strong!
I don't know what to do! He disappeared for 3 months. Just came back telling me he was sorry and that he loves me. He asked if I found someone new. i told him no because my heart still belonged to him. I asked him the same, he said "God no!" He said he wants more, but needs to take it slow. I just found a profile on a dating site that he updated just yesterday. So... he's looking for someone else. Your advice is greatly needed here.
You do know what to do, Veronica. Listen to your gut instinct. Listen to what you do know. Ask yourself what you're looking for from him and if he can give you that. Ask yourself what advice you would give your best friend if she were in your shoes, describing this same scenario and wondering what to do. What would you say to her? Trust yourself; deep down, you know.
Hi !! we are on the same shoe. It's been a month that I haven't heard a news from him. For no reason at all, he stop communicating, he unfriend me in facebook. I could not think of any possible reason why he treated me that way. And I spend most of my time wondering why he dumped me just like that. It affects my everyday LIFE. I get easily irritated, I am short tempered person. Iam it seems I can't let go and I cant go on. It hurts like hell. But, one day.. I realized that If a person does care and truly love you he will never do that. He will always find ways to make you happy and will provide ways and reason to keep you. Yes, It's only one sided love affair. Hmm' But now, I focused on my job, family and friends and to those things who makes me happy. There's no reason at all to dwell on him. He doesn't care bout your feelings. Move on, and bear in my mind someone out here is waiting for you. And you will be EVERYTHING TO HIM. GOD BLESS !! Hope this helps.
It's exactly this realization of the truth that you came to, Daisy Jane - "But, one day.. I realized that if a person does care and truly love you he will never do that." - that gives us the reality check to see "what is" instead of what we so want it to be. Thanks for your beautiful show of support here, you understand!
"Move on, and bear in my mind someone out here is waiting for you. And you will be EVERYTHING TO HIM."- Yes, exactly!
When we become emotionally connected to someone who is no longer interested in us, we torture our own selves emotionally. You know from the beginning of a relationship that it is not going to work when it does not feel right. But rather than being alone, we try to fix the problems as they come up. No one can use you unless you allow them to do so. So now that this person has disappeared instead of thanking your lucky stars, you want him back because you have become accustomed to his misery. Yes you have some good times, but the bad out weighs the good if you are honest. The fact that we would rather be miserable than be alone says that we are not ready for a real relationship. Two people interact with each other in a healthy relationship. One does not suck the life blood out of the other. They each can stand alone but choose to be together. Two way communication is the key to all of this. If the two of you cannot talk move on until you find someone who can.
Thanks for this insightful picture, Carolyn. It's so true, yet so very hard to hear when we're looking for any other answer than the one that always leads back to ourselves!
Hi Rita,
I know how you feel it is a daily struggle dealing with your mind and heart. I was doing okay until recently I just started feeling bad again. Still wanting to be with him, knowing that I was not happy, but still thinking about if he is with someone else crying nonstop. It is hard, but we have to go through pain sometimes to get to a brighter place. It is takes time, but there as got to be something better then wanting to be with someone that does not have enough guts to say they don`t want to be with us anymore.
Say this to yourselves daily with the mindset that any man who simply disappears is a coward: "Accept me as I am or watch me as I go." You don't see it now, but I promise you that the coward you love or loved did you a huge favor by disappearing from your life. He freed up the space you will need for the right man when he finds you, and find you he will. While you are waiting, focus on yourself and the inner strength we all know you have. Love yourself enough to know you deserve so much more. Goodbye, coward, and good riddance!
"He freed up the space you will need for the right man when he finds you, and find you he will." - So true, Brenda; thank you for this reminder!
When I read all the comments , my logical part of my brain knows I have to let go but the heart can never bear to let him go... I wonder why thoughts are like a roller-coaster... Most of the time it is a debate between the mind and the heart. The moment the mind has convinced the heart to let go, I begin to have a bad day... I run out if energy , My face becomes sour... everything really stops.. except time.. Then the mind knows the heart is suffering so it plans not to let go and just go with the flow. I never knew love was like this..Inspite of all the drama, my favourite place in this world is next to him.
Rita Kenwood
I so hear you, Rita. "In spite of all the drama, my favourite place in this world is next to him." A different place and a different time, and I could have said those exact same words. It cuts so deep, and you're exactly right that it is a conflict of our hearts and heads. It is so hard to accept the reality of what is staring us right in the face when our need for this person and our need for this love in our lives is so great. Know that you not alone and this process of letting go is a dance that is never about a set time, but it's about your own time, and not anyone else's.
You will get there, Rita, you will see it; one tiny, baby step at a time.
All the comments on here have been so helpful and I just want to say thanks to all for sharing their experiences and insight. One thing I can say for sure is that it helps just having this support. But it all comes down to the same thing as Jane said- the person we thought we wanted to be with just isn't on the same page or level of commitment as we are. Maybe some day he/she will be, but the time between now and then will hopefully be spent realizing you don't want to be with someone who only makes you an option- you want to be with someone who can openly and willfully give you the same kind of commitment you are looking for. When you can step away from everything and look at the big picture as if you were an outsider looking in, you will find yourself wondering why you held on for so long. Time does heal, although this is a process and sometimes it takes a while, and it's o.k. that we go at our own pace. In my case, I think what I've discovered about being in these types of relationships is that I realize I just want so badly to have that deep level of love that resonates in the soul with another person which makes me think just because I feel a "connection" with a guy or we have so much fun together or share such an intimate passion with each other that it qualifies him to be "the one." When in fact just because it seems like someone is into you, you find out the "shocking" truth that they had a different agenda or maybe their feelings changed or they just don't know what they want. Like Jane has mentioned, it's not about us, it's not about trying to figure out why we presumably weren't good enough, which is what I usually think. But fortunately for me, I know I don't want to be with someone who does not want to be with me, no matter how much I think I love him. And although it still hurts the same I never chase after anyone who does this to me, I cut off all ties and give myself time to think about things. And every time I'm glad I did because I always discover when I give myself time to really think about the situation and who this person really is and did I ever really know him, I always come out of it realizing this guy wasn't "the one" for me, and I don't know why I fell for him so hard to begin with. Oh wait, I know why, it's because I still need to do work on myself! I need to recognize the worth in me, to hold on to my standards and not turn a blind eye when I know I'm not getting back what I'm putting in, thinking oh, he will come around, he will see how great I am and fall in love with me. No. I'm just setting myself up for heartache with this kind of thinking. I know in my gut that when it's right it won't be about trying to win over anyone's love, it will just be there already. I haven't found it yet, although I've fooled myself plenty of times, but one thing I always tell myself is that there is always a positive you can take from a negative. Things may not have ended the way you hoped but we can always become wiser and more aware from any experience and make better choices next time.
I look back at my 'disappearing man saga' and what I now see is something I didn't want to see. Perhaps I wasn't ready to see the truth. My ex and I spent 3 years together. I knew he wasn't happy the last year due to personal and work related problems. I gave him the chance to deal with the things he needed to and...poof... Just like that he was gone. Haven't heard from him in months. No response to my attempts of contact. I have re-read my journals and what I read, surprised me. I always knew...call it that little voice....that this was going to hit a wall. I was never really happy, because I knew intuitively ( I know that now) that he wasn't committed like I was and wanted him to be. He always struggled to say ' I love you' yet would buy me lovely gifts, take me on wonderful trips etc. The future was full of problems regarding how ' we' would be together. These kind of men,.. And women I suppose, live in the moment only for their own comfort and satisfaction. My heart still hurts enormously, but I am glad I now have the chance to attract a ' real man' into my life. I heard a great quote the other day. " Some people are SUPPOSED to be part of your memory... Not your destiny". With that thought... I lay to rest this relationship...knowing that I am Meant to have a loving REAL relationship in my future.
Beautifully worded, Julie; thanks for inspiring all of us!
"I know in my gut that when it's right it won't be about trying to win over anyone's love, it will just be there already." That's exactly how it happens, RJ! Thanks for sharing your journey and your beautiful experience of coming to see the reality of "what is".
Thanks, Babe
The vanishing act is very common. Women do it too. Don't take it personally. This is just how most people deal with things.
"Don't take it personally" ... so much easier said than done, but so necessary and so true; it's never about you.
It is much harder to do than say, I agree, and have been through it. I just keep telling myself that the fact that he disappeared in the first place is all the red flag I need. If he ever says hello again I will say goodbye or just blank him.
But so many dating coaches state the reasons many men do this and that it is common such as being too needy and getting ahead of them emotionally that they freak and run
Thanks, Jackie
Hunnay...!!Just let him go..The fact that he left shows the lack of respect he had for you...If you care about someone you will have the courage to tell them the truth even if it hurts...I believe there is someone better out there but he will find you when you are at peace with yourself and happy...He is not worth it.. You were a precious prize for him..
"If you care about someone you will have the courage to tell them the truth even if it hurts" - Thank you for this reminder, Tash, and your support.
Dear Sophia, well the same thing happened to me, although it was someone who re entered my life after 20 years!!!. He said all the right things and made me feel special, but then one day - poof- just vanished without a trace. Yes, we all would like closure, but is it worth asking him. My answer would be no. He will never tell you the truth anyway. A disappearing man is essentially a coward,and sometimes the only closure that you need is to realise that he is just NOT WORTH IT and is scum. You deserve better than that. Dont contact him either by text, email ,social media. Just fall off the face of the earth. Let him realise what he has lost. Try to move on. Enjoy your life and know that you will meet somebody who will love you and cherish you in the way that you deserve.
"Enjoy your life and know that you will meet somebody who will love you and cherish you in the way that you deserve." - Exactly, Tracey. When you've been there, you understand in a way that connects us all and makes us all feel a little less alone.
The dissapering is like magic.
Something happens inside you and your heart. The reality(sometimes a fairytale) you had
Is suddenly also changed.
And in some crisis like your going through you will probably ask yourself why
Did he disappear?
Sometimes it's not necessary to ask 'why' in life.
And do not judge on him, let him be.
Your not responsible for him or his actions.
. You should carry on and live.
Now when this happend to me i felt really bad.So i just want to tell you
Some feel 'free' other like me feel like heartbroken... The 'free' part comes
After the pain and healing!
Love how you summarized this for us heartbroken types, like myself 🙂 ... "The 'free' part comes after the pain and healing!"
And this part is oh so true, Maris -"And do not judge on him, let him be. Your not responsible for him or his actions". We forget this part all too much of the time. We are never responsible for someone else's behavior!
Ladies affirmation for the day: I can be changed by what happens to me but I REFUSE to be reduced by it.
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I REFUSE to be reduced by it." Beautifully said, Ashayla!
Same story here. After a relationship of almost a year, he broke up with me after a very nice holiday. We hardly ever had arguments, had met esch others family and were very much in love. He even told me so during the holiday.
It has been nearly two months now, and I am starting to find my self again. I have been able to ask him what happend. We e-mail each other every now and then. He does answer my questions and I do believe him. He is just too scared. To scared to dissapoint me, to lose himself in the relationship. At first he was able to 'switch off' his feelings. Now he is feeling the pain too. I think men are not always in contact with their feelings. They sometimes really do not know what they feel. (I had an ex who didn't know what he felt too)
I know he was mistreated badly as a child and therefore is afraid for an intimate relationship.
He has a big problem and was trying to keep it from me. I now really believe it isn't because of me. It is because of him. He has not been sincere with me nor himself. I think unconsciously he knew he would have to open up, but was too scared to.
So please don't blame yourself. Someone who wasn't hiding for you wouldn't leave you like this.
Thanks for sharing your story here, Anne, and for your insight. When someone has deep fears like this, we may never be able to understand the "why" of what they do, especially when they don't even know themselves. They just know that disappearing is the only way that feels comfortable to them, and that's as far as their thinking goes. It's never something to blame ourselves for; it's never about us.
Dear Sophia and all the other beautiful marvelous women out here, I just want to comment that the exact same thing happened to me in April 2012; and not only did he disappear but I found out a week later via Facebook that he had actually moved in with another woman that wasn't even half the woman that I am. I was heartbroken, shattered and felt that he tossed me out like yesterday's garbage. When guys like this (the disappearing man) just leave without a trace it makes u think something is wrong with u. When in actuality it's something very wrong with him. Men like this tend to be VERY insecure, selfish, and immature. He clearly doesn't deserve you and use this time to rebuild your self esteem and self worth. When you least expect it and are totally over this jerk 9 times out of 10 he will try to come back into your life. Well that's what my ex did a year and a half after he disappeared. I finally got the closure I thoughtI so ddesperately needed and now the tables have turned. Not only do I now want nothing to do with him but now he's BEGGING to be back in my good graces. Just remember Karma can be a bitch and your ex will reap what hesoils....TRUST ME
"When guys like this (the disappearing man) just leave without a trace it makes u think something is wrong with u. When in actuality it's something very wrong with him" - so true, Ashayla, thank you for making this so clear.
If we can only remember this, that this isn't about us - it isn't a rejection of you! - that you've been saved from anymore heartbreak from someone who isn't there, who isn't on the same page, who isn't capable of giving you what you're looking for, no matter how much potential you see. There is no "if only"; there is only "what is"!
Thank you, Ashayla
I just hope to be more wiser in my choices next time.
Dear Sophia, I am going through the exact same thing right now. I met an incredible, tall, gorgeous doctor in NYC and we were together for six months. It was the happiest time in my whole life. I thought he was perfect and told him that every day. He treated me like a princess and met my family, and we went on our first vacation together in the last week of October, a month ago. When we got home from our trip, he disappeared, I never heard from him again. I called every day and left tearful messages. After 10 long days of crying and not eating, he called. He told me I "liked him too much" and said he knew he would "end up disappointing me down the road, whether it was after six more months of dating, or another year of dating". I used his exact words, in the quotes. I was shocked and stunned. This man treated me like a treasure and I was sure he was planning to be with me forever, as I was with him. He wasn't. I am like you right now. I cannot seem to let go and feel like I am waiting for him to change his mind and come back to me. But what if he doesn't?? Am I still going to be sitting here crying and waiting for him, at this time next year? Sophia, we are in the same boat now. I am going to Re-read all the advice given to you, and try to apply it to myself. I am devastated and heartbroken that he doesn't love me the way I love him, but my month of crying has not changed anything, so let's start our journey to letting this go, together.
Oh gosh I feel our pain and joy through so many comments I read on this site, and regularly check when I am going through my "letting go" process.
All I can say is it hurts, feel the emotions, accept the love you both had it was real. It’s unfortunate, really is. I want to say so much , but life is one hell of a journey, through every disappointment in my journey, i keep thinking this must be happening for a reason. Know that your great at relationships and partnership, unfortunately nothing is guaranteed. But I would like to believe my true love, our true love is out there, whether it be your current ex or the right man. It’s the uncertainty. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong generation, as I come from a stable family where we all work together like a team, with the ups and downs , smiles and frowns. That’s all we can do. Do what you have to get through this, we are women and we play things over and over again. WE SHOULDN'T, but we will, because that is how everyone of us women are WIRED. Do it, go through it, because one day you will have enough until you get bored, until you get sick and realise ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, like says in our OWN TIME. You will realise, everything was right and ok. The weird and funny yet quite disturbing thing is, my experiences also end on high, as it progresses. What I find weird, unfortunately what I have realised and accepted there are some men or a Western trait where some men are weak, and are scared of happiness. I MEAN WHO THE HELL WOULD BE SCARED OF HAPPINESS. IT MAKES ME LAUGH, THESE CRAZY PEOPLE. To have that joy, open communication, spark the bond, then quit. It's because they have their own issues of insecurity and also know deep down they cannot maybe step up . I really don’t get sabotage issues, I mean there are people in third world who just want survive, We have everything here in the West, and people make life more difficult. I mean why be scared of happiness, with life’s struggles I would be glad and hold onto my man if he was stable and that bond. I wouldn’t sabotage it, why the hell would anyone. Life is full of daily problems, why add to it. I feel to quote a son right now by JAY Z “99 PROBLEMS and the B##TCH ain’t one”. That is what I want to sing when I meet my life partner.. My point is, i have to believe and know that you and I deserve that partner who will do what it takes to take on life together for our union. Yes it will have its ups and downs and the spark may go, but you keep working at it. A woman will sometimes or most times will work at it a bit more, but as long as he is there and present, just keep that open line of communication and grow together. I want to say this is happening for a reason. if you feel strongly about him, go fight for him girl. If you feel you done enough then let it go. The choice is yours. No judgement. Our lives are not performances and we are not being judged by anyone.
So beautifully put, Hope; thanks for putting the words to all of this in a such a way that resonates with so much of what so many of us have been through - and are still going through!
Thanks for adding your support here, Adrienne; and for sharing your own story. This is what so many of can't understand because we don't think like this, yet the reality is so clear. Please reread what you have written here; this so isn't about you! We do such a disservice to ourselves when we take this all so personally like we do to the point of hurting our beautiful selves by becoming physically sick over them, by not eating, not sleeping, and crying for endless hours when what it all comes down to is two people on two different pages looking for a different level of commitment.
It's as he told you, Adrienne, he couldn't do this, he couldn't keep it up, and he knew what you were worth! He knew what you deserved! And yet even as he knew this, he wasn't there. Even if he didn't know why or didn't understand it himself; he knew he couldn't sustain this even as you know you couldn't sustain settling for less than you deserve by being with someone who wasn't there either. You never ask too much; you never do anything wrong!
It's by being your true self, by being who you are that these men know this about you, they see you, they see this essence of you! And it's a wonderful thing, my beautiful friend, because instead of seeing this as a negative, see it as a way to sift out who truly is right for you and who truly is worthy of you and on that same page as you! That's how you know if someone is right for you; because he sees you for all you are, he picks up on that beautiful essence of you, but rather than finding this terrifying because it means he has to do something that he's not comfortable with, he embraces it and celebrates finding you by falling for you becuase he's there, because he's ready, because he chooses to be with you!
These are my experiences too. The men I get to know, see that I am genuine, have heart , soul , a sense of humour, open communication and know how to deal with life's problems. Know what I want and don't want. See that I won't be a door mat either, but they see the warmth and the love and the glow, and most of all they see I am STABLE. As I was born here in the West from a stable family from the East, I see the insecurities the West can nurture in people. But there is no excuse for insincerity or being in humane or not being a decent human being. Life is simple when your honest and authentic, and not trying to be perfect!
I started to feel weird, as i thought am I too mentally strong and secure and stable, IMAGINE THAT. I started to doubt myself. I'm emotional just like every woman and I will remain to be one. But i did start to doubt myself, maybe I'm too secure. Meaning I'm secure of my flaws and just honest to myself, that is all my culture and family know. Hence why they are mentally strong through the life struggles they have been through. I CAN'T & WILL NOT CREATE ISSUES, or act weak to be with a man, or to be considered more womanly. I have insecurities, know my needs, my fears just like every human, but I was born ready to share that bond with the right person. It's how my family raised us to be part of a team. No mental games , our word, respect , loyalty and Commitment is guaranteed in my family. We are direct speaking culture and passionate.
It's scary to see how many men have their issues, demons and can be weak.
I have never made any man I have been with feel less of a man, I discuss my needs, my fears when I feel to and am open to listening to theres. We were also raised to support people and love purely. So I know we should or can(?) help others, but being born here I have seen girls and men be used when people try and "Rescue" them. I think there are just selfish and bad seeds in the world who will just use people. But its up to an individual to not let them be used or abused.
My experiences end on high, as they progress, as the man realises " she's the real deal, I have so many issues that I am insecure about" Then they mess up or decide to end it respectfully couple disrespectfully. Either way I have been hurt in the process, even though i know it wasn't me. When it keeps happening I started to doubt myself. But then I realised and remembered I am a great partner to have for the right person who wants to take on life together who see's my heart and soul and wants to step up to make that commitment, even if they have issues and insecurities. They must be ready to share and grow together. I haven't met that person yet. I believe he must be out there, whether its my ex who I let go to deal with his issues, or a the right one who is experiencing his own journey, and taking his Damn time to get here. So either way we are all waiting in some form. But I am living. My advice to you all is keep living the way YOU want to. I am focusing on progressing , still I cry , I am hurt. I miss him everyday, but what I won't do is put MY LIFE on hold if he does sort himself out. NO WAY. I'm lifer. We get one shot. I'm going to live it the way I want, I do not care to please my family, I am not living for my future man nor my future kids( as they are not here yet). But when I am ready to start my own family, it will be from the choices I made to build something real, authentic and strong. I hope to look back and laugh. Till then I'm living in the now, taking small baby steps forward, back , forward and forward.
Thank you for sharing your journey, Hope. Your story is so inspiring to read as this is always how we bridge that divide from where we've been to where we're going; when we discover our beautiful strength, our inherent worth and our power that we never knew. It's all in those small baby steps you've discovered for yourself, the love and acceptance for yourself for being human, for being real. Right here, right now, two steps forward and one step back, but further ahead today than yesterday. Yes, you can do this!
I feel you should do what makes you feel best. From my own experience I learnt to choose me after some breakdowns along my journey in meeting true love. Jane has real insight here on her website, and you can tell she has been through things we can all relate to. We are all on our individual journeys.
STOP READING SELF HELP BOOKS WHICH ACTUALLY ARE SELF HARM.
Love and relationships are not textbook. When it’s meant to be it flows, like your great friendships which are also relationships.
Just LIVE, this society keeps writing so many books and there are no right or wrong answers, methods here. We have ONE LIFE. You choose who you live it. Yes always try , love and work at things for someone you think is worth it. We do not know when our life ends, so no dating manual can put time on how one should approach things.
Women just live, love and learn. Be honest and authentic to yourself
Be WOMEN, we are wired to care, to love to nurture to point men in the right direction. Women are strong, we have to deal with our emotions, giving birth to our beautiful children. We are resilient. Do not avoid pain, learn to deal with it, you will be stronger for it. You will see what resources you have when another obstacle may come in life. We need to stop analysing and live. Obviously do not put yourself in harm, don't keep hurting yourself for the sake of someone. Its great o be loving, and not selfish and healthy selfish too. Many cultures apart from the West are very loving, and have no games, no pride and are very direct with their love and their needs, their communication is open hence why their relationships are authentic and real and long lasting. For some reason here in the West most people are doing more self-harm from analysing, playing games holding back on communication, people have too much pride. Be a Women, that is how we are made and wired, we overthink, we worry, we live with our emotions, we care. DON’T EVER CHANGE THAT!
Men are wired differently unfortunately.
Live your one life!
Love all your beautiful words here, Hope. So inspiring, so true!
Ok not every woman is built that way though. Sorry but you make a one size fits all comment for women where some are wired differently than others.
Please don't confront him because you will feel like crap for giving him any satisfaction that you care. He is a worthless piece of trash for tormenting you the way he did. Move on and take the best care of yourself and you will feel much better about yourself. He had the issues not you. Good luck to you and be strong. I have been through this for 12 years. I know now that I should have never ever reached out to him after the first time of him leaving. I feel powerful now knowing I will stay strong and make my life better. I want to thank Jane and everyone on here for that.
Because the reality as you've found out, Deb, is that so much more comes up for us when we become tied to that need for closure, when we seek to know "why". Most of the time, he either isn't capable of giving us the answers in the first place, or he isn't comfortable with being honest with us which is the very reason he chose a disappearing act instead of being upfront with us. Either way, we're the ones who suffer from holding onto yet another need that we look to him to fill, rather than filling that deeper need for ourselves.
Embrace your beautiful power, Deb; it's such a beautiful thing when you discover just how powerful you truly are in and of yourself, and when you use it to create your own beautiful life that is exactly what you deserve!
Very well said !
Thanks, Alex.
Interesting about the closure desired is just trying to get him to fill a need. I desire closure desperately. It's been a month since the text arrived. Four days prior I got the I love you so much text. I want to know do what's the problem. I should have asked then but now it's too late.y pride won't let me. I never realized I was looking for him to fill a need by explaining it. But bits making me crazy
dear Sophia. I am sorry to hear about the pain you are going through. About 4 months ago I went through the same scenario (somewhat) with another partner but she did explain to me why she was leaving me...that we were going in 2 separate directions. She did not wish to get married in a couple year's time (we talked briefly about it only) or really wasn't sure about having a man move in with her....-- EVER!! hmmmm..... I was devastated!!! I still think about her til this day but now I realize that it was the best thing ( we went out for 6 months) but it was intense for me. 1st relationship after my divorce. She found someone not long after she broke up, claiming I was the best, amazing man, etc, etc...I think it was her next door neighbor....yeah... I know. But I did some research and found out her attachment style: AVOIDANT!. Although I don't know your situation and I'm guessing at best, I believe your boyfriend had/has a particular attachment style: AVOIDANT. And you latched on to an unhealthy relationship. Hey.... I DID IT!! Communication is never great and you kind of always feel they are keeping you at a distance, then real you back in for a bit until they feel uncomfortable- then when committment is desired by the other partner or better communication, etc... off they go again... keeping you at bay. It can lead to a teetter todder relationship. Let me give you a book which is beginning to transform my life. It comes highly recommended by JOHN GRAY "Men are from Mars, Women Are from Venus." This book deals and explains in detail the 3 attachment types: AVOIDANT / SECURE / ANXIOUS. It if filled with actual case studies, TONS of clinical research, tons of advice- and I now recognize the 3 types. Now... I am much better able to "see" "avoidants" and eventually when I spot them, I will now steer away. Communicating your needs very early on in a relationship is a great tip and if they don't follow through....not good! You and I need "SECURELY" attached individuals. The book is called "ATTACHED. THE NEW SCIENCE OF ADULT ATTACHMENT AND HOW IT CAN HELP YOU FIND-AND KEEP-LOVE." authors: Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller. Good luck and hang in there, ok? You're going to make it!!! I have!.... Your new "friend", Luc.
Thanks for sharing your story, Luc, and for your support here. I'm not familiar with this particular book, but it sounds like it's helped you and that's what this is all about; finding our own individual paths to what resonates with us and helps us live our lives knowing who we are, just how powerful we are, and what we truly deserve!
Thanks, Luc
I will look into getting these books. It is such a hard journey letting go, but with the help of our online community i think that it will be alot easier. I just trying to understand how someone can spend that much time with you and disappear like you were nothing, hopefully these books will help along with the great advice am already getting.
Wow LUC,
How great of you to go into such depth and give us all such an insight.
Thanks.
Sophia, My view is different because i feel you need to confront him once and for all. You need to know the answers. It is vital to face him and get it out. I have done that everytime my man has dissappered. Why do i do that ? because I love that fellow... i see it in your words.. even though we are sometimes on a different page, sometimes you need to pace yourself to get to his page... life is not perfect, the mind must plan to get what the heart wants.
Sophia go and confront him. get the answers. Then decide for yourself.
Rita Kenwood
Thanks for sharing your view here, Rita. We all have to follow our own gut instincts and do we what we need for ourselves. Regardless of what decision you make in seeking your answers, there's always something to be learned in the process. If you've chosen whatever action will bring you the greatest sense of peace and calm and leave you with the least amount of regrets, then that's what matters at the end of the day more than what anyone else thinks or says.
Thanks ever so much Jane,
All your advise has made me recover everytime I get sick when he stops calling. Your advise has made such a difference to me. May you be blessed for all the wonderful advise you share from your heart.
Thank you
Rita Kenwood
Thank you for your beautiful words, Rita. I'm so glad to be able to be here for you in whatever way I can. You inspire me more than you know! 🙂
Sophia, the "disappearing man" happened to me too. A truly selfish tactic from those who don't have the decency to end things on a mature level, giving you the opportunity to have a voice. I, too, questioned him at times in the relationship when I knew things were feeling off and he responded with a ridiculous amount of lies that ended up hurting and humiliating me. Then he just got plain mean. When he disappeared, I focused on me, my interests, dating, and growing strong. Fast forward two years and here he is trying to get me back. He was caught off guard with the fact that I was a stronger person with my same good heart who received his lackluster attempts and presence with indifference. I know it hurts, but don't blame yourself; although anger helps in realizing he was no good for you, don't hold onto the anger, and try not to think about him (eliminate any aspects of social media). That will keep you from opening yourself up to bigger and better things. Enjoy all that life has to offer and embrace those in your life who truly care about you. I hope this helps. Take care!
Thanks for sharing this beautiful advice, Kimster. "He was caught off guard with the fact that I was a stronger person with my same good heart who received his lackluster attempts and presence with indifference" - love this description! That's what it truly means to have that beautiful authentic confidence that you absolutely know who you are and what you deserve!
It happened to me as well. We stayed together for a year. Sometimes he was caring, sometimes he was stand-offish and this really destroyed my (already low) self-esteem. I became anxious and insecure and of course it didn't help. He started telling me that he loved me and hated me at the same time. I felt worthless but he wanted me not to think about that and to be happy and loosey-goosey. He blamed me for my fear of losing him. I did my best to change my faults but it was never enough because often I couldn't avoid being sad or fearful and as I changed what wasn't good, he would find another fault of mine to undermine me (too emotional, too sensitive, too intelligent, too passionate about life and my interests). He responded to my zest for life with negativity, sarcasm and blunt provocations just to try and make me angry and to be able to say that I wasn't meeting his needs. I succeeded in not losing my self-control, even when he told me that he didn't feel like being active in our relationship, that he didn't know what he felt for me, that he didn't know what could make him happy ....but that, at the same time, maybe, he wanted me to be part of his life in some way. Finally, since he couldn't blame me anymore for my behavior towards him (fear, attempts of standing up for myself), he started telling me that my love for him and my good qualities were a problem because "I loved too much, too deep" and because "I was incredible" (????). He felt he couldn't be himself with me... but he couldn't tell who he was in the first place and wasn't able to say what he wanted from his life and from a partner. It's been 20 days since he left me (after 2 months of agonizing indecisiveness) and I'm shattered. I feel like the useless and worthless garbage bin in the world. It's the fourth humiliating relationship I've gone through and I'm not succeeding in recovering from pain or getting back to myself, my interests, my life. ...I'm sorry my post is not very encouraging but, for sure, Sophie, being angry towards him is a good first step to getting back to your life. I wish I could feel the same.
Pick yourself up, my beautiful friend, shake off all those feelings that someone's behavior has triggered in you. This was him, not you.
Reread what you wrote here, especially where you wrote "...he would find another fault of mine to undermine me (too emotional, too sensitive, too intelligent, too passionate about life and my interests)". You can never be too much of anything for someone who is right for you!
"He responded to my zest for life with negativity, sarcasm and blunt provocations just to try and make me angry and to be able to say that I wasn't meeting his needs". Don't ever allow anyone to respond to your love of life like this! Embrace these parts of you that he couldn't handle, that were so extremely opposite of where he was at in his own life that he felt he had to try to destroy them in you.
I know you feel shattered right now, but someone who is right for you would never treat you like this. Someone who is truly looking for you and all that you have to offer - and is on the same page as you - will adore these qualities in you! Don't take this as the rejection it feels like right now; take it as the gift it is. You are free now to be loved by someone you truly deserve, who is looking for everything you are. Shine, my friend, shine; radiate that beautiful confidence that comes when you accept your beautiful self with all of these beautiful qualities that he was never capable of seeing!
Hi Rob,
My heart goes out too you. This is a journey we can go through together there is nothing worse then being with someone that makes you feel worthless. My boyfriend would act distance with me, but pretend like everything was fine. I was pregnant by him and I felt alone. I felt bad for feeling this way because he already had three children by three different baby mamas and had just started working on a part-time job. I was worried about how things would affected him and the pressures on him. I didn`t even ask him to go with me to the first appointments because I knew he had to work night shift. I did ask him to go with me to the next ultrasound, but my baby had died. When I called and told him about I asked could I come over and when I got to his house the first thing he asked me was could I take him to the store because on top of this he did not have a dl. I had to take him to work every night all he did was hold my hand then started talking about his little girl while I was grieving the lost of our child. He never said an
He never mention the baby. I was sad by myself I did have comfort from someclose friends. I even had to ask him to go to the d&c. When I told him I was sad about the baby he said he was to, but he was going through something. Rob I know how it feels right now to feel like you are worthless, but Jane is right what they decided and how they acted is not a reflection of who we are we just gave our heart to the wrong people for whatever reason could not give that same love back.
The fact that he is not bothering himself by checking on you clearly. Shows that he is not int you. Let go of him and start living your life to the fullest. There's better men out there waiting for you to comeout of that misery. Make sure that when he sees you again you are at your best! U'll be owk with time.
So true, Babes; thanks for your insight and support here!
This happened to me too.This guy was with me for a year and a half and then just disappeared. Yes it hurt, but trust me when I say you will heal. Please do not contact him, because if you do he may come back but it will only be to hurt you again. Only this time it will hurt worse. With time you WILL heal and do remember that living well is the best revenge. Keep strong, and know that you are not alone in this.
Exactly, Ann; thanks for sharing your experience -and for the reminder that we are never the only one going through this!
Hello Friends... I'm here for sharing my similar experience. Firstly i want to tell the premise of the story..it may be a bit long..but still i want to share..i'm suffocating like hell and drowning in depression..i somehow want to share. I cant express these to anybody..So I'm choosing this forum. Thanks for creating such a forum Sofia...may be after sharing this i'll feel much much better.
I was in relationship with a person from last 1 yr, we became friends before 2 yrs, at that time..my friend was with a disturbed married life with unfulfilled desires and I was separated from my husband nd procedure of divorce was in progress. I was emotionally a bit down and disturbed but I was not looking for any relationship at that point in time. I was an independent, successful lady with full of positivity. My marriage didnt work, I believe in ''Live and Let Live''..so.. me and my ex husband filed divorce mutually. Nothing was problematic there. started my own healing process with shifting my focus towards career from emotional termoils. I started preparing for MBA entrances beside my work. My parents and office colleagues are very supportive, with their help somehow i kept myself ok. When i was about to came out from the post separation stress.. the person entered into my life. I met him in my MBA coaching centre, we used to study together there. I was noway interested to his personal life and never felt emotionally connected to him during first couple of months. He left his job to prepare for the exam, his home was just beside my office. He used to meet me for exchage notes and books. After few months he started sharing his personal problems too.. we became friends, started meeting 2-3 times a day for tea and smoke at tea stall beside my office. Days passed, months passed...our friendship became deep and a support system developed between us. During first couple of months i was not interested to hear his personal problems, but eventually i came to know beside his marriage he is dating with lot f women, spending his time doing sex chats etc. I felt bad for him and his wife. My marriage was broken, i knew how painful is it to handle a divorce in your society in a country like India. So I met his wife and tried to know their actual problems, suggested her few solutions too. But...what i felt was his wife used to treat his husband as her property, and respect towards marriage and his husband's family was very less, she wanted to enjoy his father-in-law's money, home, car, security...but she wants to throw them out(in India we still believe in family values), she even doesn't love her husband..she wants to use his husband as a social taboo. She was not that beautiful from inside and outside too. And after that meeting i understand where the actual problem is and experienced an emotional dip towards my friend but I didn't express. After one month of this meeting, my friend left his wife and his home too. And proposed me. A relationship started, it was like fairy tale.. spontaneous, intense, full of emotion, care, love...
Then my friend went to MBA college and i also got transferred to another city. But our relationship didn't get affected. We continued like before. But His wife didn't leave his house, she tried to call him, text him from different numbers, she took this personally, she took an oath to take his husband back, her mind was full of revenge....again and again she was asking for a second chance. My friend was monetarily depending on his parents, he left his job and doing MBA, huge expenditure was there and his father retired from his work and staying at a rented house far from their own house, because this girl can lodge fake complaint against them...
After almost 12 months, my friend came to my current city for his internship, stayed with me.. i have drained myself out physically, emotionally, monetarily during this two months. He never hesitate to ask for any kinds of help from me, he enjoyed my cooking, he enjoyed comfort at my house... i also never hesitated before contributing my effort and money on him. After completion of his internship he went to stay with his parents for 5 days... he came back and met me at our hometown, he met my father at my house, we went outside, met with a friend..but i found certain changes in him, still we enjoyed fifa wc together till 2am, he slept ..just the next morning I was on the way to meet him, her wife picked my call and told that she is with him and due to my blackmailing his husband is ill and he is unable to study etc bla bla.. I tried to defend but i felt.
My life became black.. next day he deactivated his fb profile, blocked me from other social networks too.. i drowned in depression wondering answers .. He didn't even gave me a minimum time to digest the whole thing. I am a very positive person...even at that super low phase too..i took a positive step.. i should come to an end..wrote an goodbye email to him.
After 8 days i came back to that house where i stayed with him for 2 moths... im having a small supportive friend circle, they are trying to pull me out from the deep well of depression.. still I'm staying in the same apartment with his thoughts, memories...in the dark..
Days passing, weeks passing...but I'm still there with his thoughts. Sometimes i feel like I'm drowning..there is no reason left for living in this world..but yess...my parents are there..
At this time I'm in huge short of money too... so i can't leave my job, cant take break. I took a loan, giving emi.. what money i spent on him...to keep him happy.. to give him a comfortable life.
Don't know...what should i do, where should i go.. I'm just living each days... cant eat, cant talk to my friends, cant go outside for fun... one f my old friend proposed me before few days...he is trying to communicate me ... I'm unable to do anything.. actually i dont believe in anything, anybody... myself too.
So what does CAN eat, CAN talk to my friends, CAN go outside for fun, ABLE to do anything, DO believe in something, somebody ... myself too look like? What does it look like for you to recognize that he's not worth this, not any of this, and certainly not you? What if you were free of his thoughts, his memories? What if the dark turned out to be light just on the other side of this? Our programming plays such a cruel trick on us, convincing us turning all these deep feelings inward on ourselves somehow gives us a sense of control where we feel none. It doesn't. Give it back. Not to defend, but to put it back where it all belongs. Not on you. Not on your beautiful heart and soul, not in your head, not anywhere near your mind that needs no reason to overthink in overdrive. Shake it off you. You don't deserve what you're putting yourself through.
How do you know he will do that again? There are many different situations and some of them work out when he comes back
Cathy, because when you allow someone to treat you badly, they'll do it again. Period. I can only imagine how much you're hurting, but realize that a man who's immature and flat out weak, just disappears regardless of what you do and don't do. It has nothing to do with you, but with his own crap and awful, cowardly ways. In time, you will stop feeling pain and realize you don't want a coward for a partner. They can never be good partners to anyone.