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Is Your Relationship Moving Too Fast?

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Why did he pursue me like that if he didn’t really want to be with me? A man is romancing his woman with lavish gifts and flowers.
While flowers and romance can be wonderful, too much too soon is a red flag.

One of our readers wrote to me last week saying "I have a friend who recently met a man who is going absolutely overboard with professing his love (after 2 dates) and giving her gifts. She's, of course, eating it up while all I see are red flags."

This is one of the questions I’m typically asked after it’s all over (which is usually fairly quickly), but not when it’s still going on. The question is commonly phrased something along the lines of "Why did he come on so strong if he wasn't interested in a committed relationship with me? Why did he pursue me like that if he didn't really want to be with me?" But in this particular case the woman in question has a beautiful friend who is looking out for her, and is concerned about the situation while it's occurring.

I have to say that I agree with her concerns. While I'm sure there are some exceptions to the rule, the whirlwind love-at-first-site romance that turns into a lifelong love affair is, unfortunately, very rare. It's much more common that the intense burning flame quickly turns into a flame-out.

I've lived through it myself many times, and I've heard too many similar stories to count. How is it that he can treat us like such a princess, going almost overboard with flowers and gifts and romantic gestures, and then just disappear from our lives as soon as we’re completely smitten and ready to say I do?

There is a reason.

It’s because this is what he does best! This is what he’s all about. It’s the chase, the conquest, the prize – this is what it’s all about to him until he knows he's got you and suddenly he realizes on some level that this has become all too real and now it’s his turn to deliver on his promises and make a commitment. It’s at that point that everything starts changing. For reasons that have everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you, this is the MO of the guy who we have the hardest time understanding.

Because it doesn't make any sense. At least not to us.

You see, my beautiful friend, this guy knows all the moves, all the right things to say and do because he’s practiced this more than a few times. He may say he wants a relationship and a commitment, he may see he’s just never met the right woman before, he may say he wants exactly what you want, but the reality is, he hasn't figured out what he needs to do to make this happen, and his own insecurities give him no motivation to do anything different. He hasn't looked into what holds him back, what makes him not want to commit, what makes him fail to get past the incredible beginning of a new and exciting conquest. And he doesn't have to because we keep making it so easy for him to continue behaving like this with us!

It may help to know that your friend is not the only one who’s fallen for this type of man. Most of us loving, giving, caring, believing women have experienced him at one time or another. This type of surface relationship catches most of us off guard because it seems – he seems – too good to be true, but at the same time it feels so true. And we so want to believe it, believe in the fairytale.

And that should be our red flag.

Because the reality is, he doesn't even know who you are yet! He doesn't even know (yet) that you’re worth all this time and energy and expense this early in the relationship. And he certainly doesn't know if he's in love with you yet.

And just like you don’t even know him yet, or know if he’s worth giving any part of yourself too, yet, you need some time to spend getting to know him and who he really is, not getting caught up in all the surface things he’s doing or saying, no matter how flattering it is!

My advice.

My advice to your friend would be to make sure, through all of the abdominal butterflies and fireworks, to remember what it is she's really looking for: a real guy who’s looking for a real relationship with a real woman, like her.

She can enjoy the attention from Mr. Speedy while making sure that she keeps her head clear and her eyes and ears open to reality. She can also keep things at a more realistic pace on her own terms – If he's not happy with that and disappears, then she has her answer – he wasn't the real thing after all. And she found out sooner rather than later.

On the other hand, if turns out to be the real thing, and he's proven to her that he's in it for the same reasons she is, and that he values the same things she does, he wants the same kind of commitment that she wants, then things will just keep getting better and better. Until she knows that for sure, none of the words, gifts or romantic gestures matter.

I'll finish with a short story:

I was out with one of my girlfriends on the day I met my husband, and she met a guy the same day. By the time my husband and I had arranged to get together and he picked me up for our first date, they had been together 24/7 for about a week straight, and were already planning to move in together. She told me that she knew it was the real thing, it was just so intense, so passionate, so amazing.

A month or two later, just as we were starting to get serious, their relationship was over. Now, about twelve years later, my husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.

Some things just can't be rushed.

How I Knew My Husband Was Marriage Material

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It turns out all of these superficial things don't matter one bit as far as love is concerned. A bride and groom walk hand-in-hand after their wedding.

In the early years of my dating life, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, and I was absolutely sure I was going to get it: a charming, great looking, well-built guy who dressed well, made plenty of money and drove me around to nice places in a nice car. He'd have been a bit of a bad boy in his not-so-distant past, but once he met me, he would fall so hard that he wouldn't so much as cast a glance at anything else in a skirt, forever treating me like the queen he could see I was.

Intent on this vision, I summarily rejected any guy who didn't measure up, whether it be the way he dressed, the car he drove or any other number of superficial reasons. After all, I was going for the fairytale; I didn't want to waste any time.

It took me too many years and too many rocky, failed relationships to finally figure out the problem is that it is a fairytale. It turns out all of these superficial things don't matter one bit as far as love is concerned. Fortunately, I finally figured this out before my real Prince Charming pulled up in his ten-year-old Jeep Wrangler to take me out on our first date.

Just a few years earlier, the sight of his car would have caused me to spend the first half-hour desperately trying to think of ways to end the date early. But for the first time in my life, I saw things differently. Continue reading on YourTango...

The Reason Your Type Is Not Really Your Type

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It starts off amazing, like nothing you've ever experienced before. He says all the things you've been waiting to hear, he does everything that you've been dreaming of. A beautiful woman is wondering sitting in a room looking sad with man in the background.If you are anything like I was back when I was single, you know exactly what your type is. You can spot him as soon as he walks in the room. He's got that certain look, that air of confidence, that vibe that calls you out like no one else in the room. And when the two of you finally talk, finally connect, it all becomes that much more obvious to you: This is it! He's the one! This is your guy! Usually sooner, rather than later. And then you're off, once again.

It starts off amazing, like nothing you've ever experienced before. He says all the things you've been waiting to hear, he does everything that you've been dreaming of, and you find yourself unable to do much of anything else except think of him. It doesn't matter that you barely know him or that you just met; those first blissful days and weeks have you convinced he's different from all the rest.

Except that it hasn't worked out quite the way it seemed. In spite of all its potential – all his potential – here you are once again. Alone and heartbroken wondering what's wrong with you. It was the same story, the same guy, just a different face and name. And even though you told yourself it was going to be different this time, it wasn't.

I have good news for you: It wasn't you. There isn't anything wrong with you. The problem is with who you're choosing, who you're attracted to and why you're attracted to him. Because the reality is this type you're so attracted to isn't working out for more than one reason.

These men you're attracting may seem like your type, but the reality is, they're not. You deserve so much more than the surface relationship they're offering you, based on all the bells and whistles but nothing of the substance that makes up a real relationship. You may think this is what you want, that he's the type who can give you what you're looking for if only he was ready for a commitment or on the same page as you, but the reality is, he's not there and he's not going to get there anytime soon, if ever.

You see, the real you isn't willing to settle for this one type that never works out. The real you knows that there is so much more to love and being in a relationship with someone than this! He isn't looking for the same things you are. This type wants so much less than you know in your heart you're worth! He may want the surface relationship without a commitment, but that isn't who you really are!

This type of guy you're so attracted to isn't real. He's based on a fantasy you have of what a relationship should be like and what happily-ever-after looks like from the fairytales, the movies and TV shows and romance novels we've been led to believe are real. But they're not. A real, committed relationship requires two real people who know the difference between fantasy and reality and aren't afraid to find out if this might be the relationship you've both been looking for!

Deep down inside, you know all this. Every time your type hasn't worked out, and you ask yourself what is wrong with you, your true self knows that this isn't about there being anything wrong with you; but about two people on two different pages who want different things. You can't make someone love you; you can't make someone change. What you can do is get to know yourself, the real you. And take a pass on the type that isn't working. Over time, you'll find yourself less attracted to this type that had such a hold on you before, and you'll learn that it's only when you're with someone real, who's on the same page as you, in a relationship based on the reality of what is, not what you know it could be if only he were different, that you'll get to that turning point where you'll find that relationship your heart has been longing for.

That, my beautiful friend is everything you deserve!

It's Time To Celebrate YOU!

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Loving yourself and recognizing all of the wonderful, valuable, and lovable qualities that make you the beautiful person that you are is the first step to having the kind of love in your life that you've been longing for. A beautiful woman is celebrating herself by giving herself a bouquet of flowers.You're pretty great, no matter what you think about yourself. How do I know? Because everyone is pretty great. We all have our own unique qualities that make us special, interesting, valuable and lovable. It's time to start celebrating those unique qualities that make you you. It's in the noticing and celebrating of our own special qualities that we let the light of ourselves shine out for the rest of the world to see. If we don't see it ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to?

So it's time to celebrate this beautiful woman that we all know as YOU! The weekend is here and there's no time like the present, so let's make this weekend into an impromptu celebration of everything that you bring to the table. Let's get started…

Love yourself

Write down three things that you love about yourself – they can be three things that you do really well (think knitting, organizing closets, putting together beautiful flower arrangements) or personality traits (kindness, generosity, patience). Don't sell yourself short – we all have things that we're good at, the problem is that remembering these things isn't one of them. Sometimes the things that we're good at come so naturally to us that we don't even realize what a gift they are. So if you're having trouble thinking of three – don't despair. Just start with one for now, and pay attention to yourself over the course of the day and think of two more. You'll be amazed at how many things you notice that you're great at!

Pamper yourself

Focus on making yourself happy this weekend. A few ideas:

Immerse yourself. Sure, it might be a cliché, but it's a good one - Draw yourself a nice hot bubble bath complete with some relaxing, rejuvenating aromatic bath salts, candles, soft music (or simply quiet if you prefer), and enjoy a long, hot soak. We are all intimately connected to water, and the feeling of water against our skin is simply renewing. Think of how it feels on your beautiful skin (yes, you have beautiful skin!)

Grab a cup of coffee, a friend, your dog, or just your own inner thoughts, and take an early morning stroll around the park and simply breathe in all of the nature.

Curl up on the couch with your most comforting comforter and read that book you haven't gotten to, watch a movie or catch up on your favorite shows.

The point is to do something you enjoy for yourself, and not because someone else wants you to. This is your time.

Go buy yourself something pretty

It doesn't need to be expensive, it just needs to be something that makes you feel special, feel good. Some pretty new cotton panties, a new pair of simple earrings or some new lipstick or eyeliner are all easy ways to bring beauty into your life.

An inexpensive bouquet of local flowers each week from the grocery store in a vase by your bedside table can brighten up your mood on a daily basis and doesn't cost much.

Put your best self forward

Wear your favorite knock-their-socks-off outfit just to go for a walk or to the grocery store. You can't help but strut your stuff with that air of confidence when you're wearing your hottest outfit, complete with all the accessories. Stop saving it for that special occasion and get some use out of it now!

Another way to feel your best is to wear your favorite lingerie under your everyday clothes even when you're doing mundane everyday things like running your errands. You'll be amazed at how much more confident you feel!

Make a dream list

Make a list of all of the things you've always dreamed of doing, both grand and simple. Wanted to walk on the Great Wall of China? Put it on the list. Wanted to go take a sailing lesson? Put it on there. Wanted to check out the famous theater downtown? Write it down. Then organize your list from most outlandish down to the simplest.

Now go down the list starting at the top, pick the first one that you can reasonably do now, and then go do it this weekend. You'll feel great when you scratch it off the list, and then you can plan another one for next weekend!

Connect with a friend

Call up one of your gal pals and let her know that you're ready for a celebration – just because! You can go out and celebrate each other – make a deal that you will prepare to tell her all of the wonderful things that you love about her in exchange for her telling you all of the things that she loves about you. You'll both feel great afterwards!

Loving yourself and recognizing all of the wonderful, valuable, and lovable qualities that make you the beautiful person that you are is the first step to having the kind of love in your life that you've been longing for. And the best part is, it's completely under your control!

So don't wait another second to start your weekend celebration of the beautiful, radiant, confident woman known as YOU!

He May Never Be Ready To Commit To Me

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I get this fear that makes me nervous in my stomach that he may never be ready to commit to me. A beautiful woman is looking sad behind her boyfriend, wondering if he will ever be ready to commit to her.One of our dear readers, Carla, wrote to me about her fears that her boyfriend may never be ready to commit to her. I hear this from so many of you that I wanted to highlight it this week in a post. After reading, please offer any additional advice you may have in the comments.

Hi Jane,

I hope you can help me. I am a 25-year-old woman and I am currently in a relationship with a 23-year old man for the past 10 months. Prior to this, I had been in a relationship for 6 years with a man who I believed was the One until the passion slowly fizzled out between us. For 6 years, I was always certain that this guy loved me and wanted to marry me some day- he told me this. We always talked about our future together and made lots of plans together and we never really had any issues. Distance eventually got the better of us and the passion and romance died, so after months of trying to make things better between us, I broke up with him and a few months later found my current boyfriend.

My current boyfriend has never had a long term relationship- 10 months with me is the longest he has been with a girl. We are both very compatible- have lots of the same interests, like doing the same things, we are both very attracted to one another and both very communicative and honest. After 5 months of being together, I told him that I love him and he told me that he loves me also. I was thrilled as you can imagine. We both live about half an hour away from each other so we get to see each other at the weekends. We have both talked about our interest in going abroad to work/travel, but never mentioned about the possibility of going away together. We are both in the position to do this, so about 2 months ago I suggested to him that maybe if we did decide to go travelling in the future that we could go together. He dropped the "bomb" and told me that he's not sure if he's ready to take that step with me yet. He said that he has always wanted to go abroad with his friends or even on his own and it's something he intends to do to get out of his system. He said that he doesn't feel that he's "emotionally mature enough" to make that commitment to me just yet but some day he thinks he will be.

Honestly, I cried for days after this conversation, so much so that I became very bitter towards him but I also started to analyze every bit of effort that I've been making to make our relationship work. I realized that I was the one who was making all the plans for us to go places and surprising him with little things to show him I love him- yet I found that I wasn't really getting those things in return. Sure, he asks to meet up with me every week, but not once yet has he talked about going away for a few days or a week during the summer on holidays (when he knows that as a teacher I get 9 weeks off this summer so I would be flexible to go anywhere he wanted whenever he is able to).

I realize that it's mainly me operating this almost one-way system. I feel like the way I love him is different to the way he loves me. I feel like I depend on him a lot more than he depends on me. Don't get me wrong, I love doing things for myself and spending time by myself or with family and friends, but I feel like if we were to spend a whole 2 weeks apart that it wouldn't bother him as much as it would bother me. I would want to see him and I would miss him dearly during those 2 weeks but he wouldn't really react like that. For the past 10 months he has made me very happy but ever since he has told me that he cannot commit as much as I want him to commit, I just feel more and more like I'm on a completely different wave length to him.

We have had many arguments recently over this issue, where I have actually told him that I feel we both love each other in very different ways. I said: "I love you so much that I would do anything for you..I would go to the ends of the Earth for you. But you love me because you love hanging around with me and being with me and you love how we like the same things". I got no response to this. I'm starting to turn into a person that I don't want to be. I feel like I'm nagging him to spend more time with me almost, or trying to convince him to want to commit to me. He says that he sees me in his future but that right now he cannot give me what I want, the commitment that I want from him. We have had many conversations about this, and even though I wake up every day trying to start afresh and say "just enjoy the present with him and wait until he's ready", I get this fear that makes me nervous in my stomach that he may never be ready to commit to me. I show so much love for him, I try so hard to make him happy. I don't try to contact him too much by text or phone or I don't try to hog all his free time. He enjoys being with his friends and I admire that I never complain about the amount of time he spends with them.

I have really enjoyed our relationship right up until our conversation about commitment. It was a shock to me, I'm not sure why, but it feels like almost since then, I've become harder to deal with as a person and I cry a lot more than I ever used to. I want things to work between us because I always believed that what we had was great but I find recently that there are times when I find myself mulling over the fact that during my last relationship of 6 years, my ex never had commitment issues and we were always on the same page in terms of what we wanted and our feelings for one another. I would just like advice on this because I feel I'm at my wits end now and it's beginning to get me down a lot. I would really appreciate any advice you have to offer. Thank you.

My Response:

Dear Carla,

It sounds like you've figured out something that so few of us figure out on our own. That this relationship is about you making it easy for him to be with you, without him having to do very much at all in return. Oh how so many of us have fallen into this trap! So it looks like a wonderful amazing relationship, and yet, in reality, when we can look at it honestly like you have and see just how one-sided it is with you doing most of the initiating and him mostly just responding to you, it really isn't all that incredible after all! So of course this is such a disappointment to recognize this reality, when without this awareness, everything seemed easier, more natural, lighter, and more amazing.

But that wasn't reality. That was the picture that you were seeing through a lens that wasn't seeing the full picture. And whether because he truly isn't emotionally mature enough - which may well be the case since he is still so young at 23 - or something else entirely, it really doesn't matter. It just matters that this is where he's at and now you know and can decide what you want to do with this information before you give him any more of your beautiful self or waste any more of your time and energy on someone who may only break your heart down the road.

I hope you can see the strength you show in being able to see this for yourself, Carla; for that is no small thing. It takes courage to dig deep and honestly see what's going on. From here, it really is up to you where you want this to go. He's made it clear he sees doing things with his friends a priority and doesn't picture the two of you the same way you do. I'm not surprised if you love each other in different ways as well, and yet this isn't about any of these particulars as much as it is about you and what you want to do with all this. You deserve to be with someone who wants the same thing you do and is on the same page as you, but on the other hand, only you know what being with him is worth to you.

So this becomes about you, deciding for yourself what you want from him and a relationship with him if this is all he can give you right now. It is never your role to make anyone else happy, Carla, and I have a feeling that you haven't been given very much at all from him. So maybe it's time for you to look deeper there, and see what you are really getting out of this relationship. Why you're with him in the first place, what it is that you're really attracted to, and why you're willing to be with someone who gives you so little in return, when you're honest with yourself. The reasons we have for being with someone can provide so many clues to what's really going on, what you're really looking for and what areas you need to look deeper at within yourself.

It sounds like you're trying hard to get things back the way they were before you had this conversation about commitment with him, but I would question whether or not there was anything of substance really there for you to even to try to get back. Sometimes, it becomes about accepting what is, instead of what we so want it to be, and know that it could be if only he were different. But that's the point. You can't change him, he is who he is, and he's showing you that now. This is the reality right now. You, on the other hand, deserve someone who meets you where you are, who shares in that natural give and take that comes so easily when it's truly meant to be, and is just as concerned about making sure you're happy, as you are about him. It always takes two to make a relationship work, and when it's meant to be, it is. Simply because both people are on the same page, want the same thing, and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

You, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than that, as well.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Carla? Please share them with her in the comments!

Is It Impossible to Find a Guy That Wants a Commitment?

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Don’t commit to him any more than he’s committing to you. A beautiful young woman sits on a plane discussing how hard it is to find a guy that wants commitment.My mother was out for an all too short two week visit, and, as usual, I cried when we dropped her off at the airport last week to fly home. I'm never ready for her to leave. When she got home she told me all about the young woman she sat next to on the plane, and her story sounded so familiar and universal that my heart just went out to her. I was her not so long ago, and from so many of the letters I receive I know that so many of you out there are going through the same thing. If I knew who she was, this is what I would tell her.

To the young woman on the plane:

I don’t know your name or really anything about you, but my mom told me she sat next to you on her plane trip home last week. She said that you had a conversation about dating, love and relationships, and you told her you were taking a break from men. You’ve had enough of giving your heart away and getting nothing but heartbreak in return. And you’re wondering what you’re doing wrong, what you should be doing differently, and how to tell if a guy is really interested in you or if he's just in it for one thing. You just want to be in a committed relationship with a guy who wants to commit to you, too, but somehow, you’re finding this next to impossible to find.

So I have something to say to you, my young, beautiful friend with so many dreams for the future:

Don’t give yourself away.

Don’t commit to him any more than he’s committing to you.

Don’t put him on a pedestal, ever.

Don’t go looking for someone to choose you; you do the choosing!

Don’t get taken in by his good looks and charm; you need to get to know him, the real him, before you know if he’s even someone you want to be with in the first place.

Don’t ever settle for someone who doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated; you know what you deserve, even if you don’t always remember this in the heat of the moment.

I know it’s not always easy to remember these, much less stick to them when you’re so sure this guy is different from all the rest and he’s saying and doing all the right things and he's oh so charming. I had to learn these things the hard way, and so I know firsthand just how hard it is to actually stay strong enough to follow these.

But if you’re going to have a different type of relationship next time, with a different type of guy, this is what you need to do. Especially do not give him your body and soul before enough time has passed for him to prove to you that he truly is worth any part of you.

You see, my beautiful friend, it’s by your actions and by your behavior that you teach him how to treat you; you let him know what your boundaries are; you tell him what you will and will not put up with. If he doesn’t like it, if he wants more, if he pressures you or makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you, those are all sure signs that he’s not what you want. He’s no loss. This is one of those times to be glad you found out early, rather than later. Because that’s the whole reason for following these guidelines.

It will separate the men from the boys.

The players from the real guys. The ones you want to get to know better versus the ones who don’t deserve another second of your time and energy, much less your heart and soul.

Let him go, and know that if he doesn't come back he wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t the right one for you. It’s only his loss, not yours. And the best part is you’ll find this out sooner rather than later. Before that kind, tender, loving, giving heart of yours gets broken again.

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