let go

Moving On After a Breakup

A beautiful woman sits on a park bench thinking about moving on after a breakup Our dear friend K has never felt more conflicted, and is having trouble moving on after a breakup.

Her story:

Hi Jane,

I first stumbled across your blog a couple of months ago after I decided that I needed to have a heart to heart with my boyfriend. At the time, I was really struck by your gentle but steady way of giving advice - it's obvious that you've been where so many of us have been before, and where I am now.

I spoke to my boyfriend then about what I wanted in our relationship - feeling like I was being prioritized in his life at least some of the time, feeling appreciated and loved, needing to know that he cared about me enough to consider what I had to say about us.

All of these things had felt lacking at some point in the last few months of the relationship, and I told him then that if he couldn't do those things for me, we shouldn't be together, that maybe we just wanted different things in our relationships.

Initially, I thought that he really listened to what I had to say. He was more attentive, more loving, more present with me when we spent time together. Sometimes, it felt like the lovely beginning of our relationship all over again.

Fast forward two months, and he's decided to end it with me. He said he's never been so in love, and that he's not even sure that this is the right decision, but that he doesn't know if he is capable of being the kind of boyfriend I deserve.

Jane, I've read many of your articles, and on the one hand, I know that I should recognize that this is him telling me what he can and can't do and that I should be grateful for his honesty. I know I should use this information to move on.

But it's just so hard to let go!

I've never felt more conflicted about a breakup - I really thought that we could be in it for the long haul. The beginning of our relationship was wonderful, truly.

Although I know that I am using the beginning of the relationship as a kind of benchmark for how wonderful things could be with us - if only he would change, if only he would show up for me the way I want him to, if only he could see the potential that I see - I know that this optimism is only in my mind, not his.

I guess I don't know how to let go.

I love this man completely, even though he's sometimes treated me in a way I don't deserve. We weren't perfect together, but many of the memories I'll take with me are beautiful and full of love.

I want to believe he'll miss me in his life now that I've cut off contact but... part of me knows I'll probably never hear from him again, and that if I do, it may be like we're strangers again.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

- K

My response:

Dear K,

Thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad you’re finding a voice that resonates with you here.

And you're exactly right - I have been exactly where you are before and it’s why I understand so well not just the words, but the emotions of what we go through along the way.

It’s why I know there is nothing that keeps us holding on tighter to what if and if only than the strength of the fantasy of our hopes and dreams becoming a reality. Your words echo what so many of us have thought in our own similar situations: “if only he would change, if only he would show up for me the way I want him to, if only he could see the potential that I see - I know that this optimism is only in my mind, not his.”

What you've captured here is exactly that – this is about you.

It's not about him.

You did the talking. He did the listening. He heard what you wanted him to hear.

He did listen to what you say, he did try to be what you wanted him to be – what you wanted the two of you to be. But he found out what he was and wasn't capable of.

He did what he needed to do, based on what he knew he was capable of.

And you found out what you couldn't live with: more of the same.

And so the story of your relationship ended in the only way that it’s meant to: with two people realizing they aren't on the same page and cannot give the other what they really need. They say goodbye, they thank each other for the experience of loving and living and learning together, and they let go and move on to live their own lives and find someone who is on their respective pages. This is how it happens in the logical, practical reality of our minds.

And yet it’s never how it feels when you’re going through it.

Instead it’s about the feelings of a lack of worth and the loss of a dream. It’s about the fairy tale that somehow forgot the happy ending. It’s about the love story in our minds that came crashing down around us in the world of reality. It’s about how close we were to finally having someone to save us from ourselves and give us a reason to live.

Even when it doesn't go that deep, it goes deeper than the reality of true compatibility.

What to do with yourself, K, is to start by wrapping your arms around yourself and holding you through your tears.

You feel what you feel and experience the emotions you experience and no matter how logical an explanation anyone can give you, your feelings deserve to be acknowledged and validated. They need to be acknowledged and validated.

But there’s so much more to do.

You let go by holding on to you. Your life, the people in it that love and adore you, the places that feel like home. The activities that bring you joy. The things you’re passionate about that remind you of who you are and what you have to offer regardless of what someone else can or can’t give you.

Write him a letter, K.

This is for you, so you’re not going to send it, but what you're going to do is write out everything you want to say to him about what you feel in your heart and soul.

And then write one to yourself. Put down the words you want to say to yourself about what happened, about what you wanted to have happen, about why this hurts so much.

Give him back what is his. And take only what is yours. Those parts of you that wanted so much more that you left with him. They’re yours. They're not his.

Letting go is never easy. Moving on after a breakup is never easy.

It’s never easy to let go of what might have been but it’s the only way we get to catch a glimpse of all that is waiting for you today and tomorrow.

It's the only way, K. And you can do it. You can do this. Not for me or anyone else, but for you.

And remember, I’m with you all the way.

Love,

Jane

Should I Wait For Him?

65 Comments

Our beautiful friend Doreen is in a situation where she feels like she is waiting in limbo for her man to make a commitment to her. Her story is below.

Her email:

Hi Jane,

So wonderful to hear from you what an encouragement you are!! I was wondering if you would mind if I shared my story with you!!!

I am 63 years old and my man is 69 years old…….we have been involved for about 2 years now. We met in cyber space in June 2012 and he was mailing me from Spain on a daily basis. He lives 5 months of the year in Spain and the other five in South Africa. He phoned me every night from Spain and the mailing continued by then I had gotten to know him quite well. Anyway the time had arrived for him to return to South Africa in October where we made arrangements to meet. We hit it off the first time we were so connected……and it was like we knew each other forever.

We use to spend time at his house and vice versa and we did everything together and yes we did have our differences but we were very compatible……. there is a very strong bond between us. In February 2013 He had a foot operation due to an old injury and I nursed him twenty four seven for three month’s where I really got to know him intimately……he is not the easiest person to live with as he is a perfectionist, controlling and very impatient. That did not bother me as I love him unconditionally.

He has been very good to me and his a wonderful person with a beautiful heart…….. and has all the qualities that I have always wanted in a man and we have a very strong bond…..however whenever I brought up the question of where do I stand in this relationship he would say I love you very much…….. but I need time and space to decide whether I love you enough to live with you forever. He has always been up front with me but I feel like I am living in limbo. Anyway it was time for him to go to Spain again and he left May 2013. You can imagine how upset I was and still had no idea where I stood with him. He arrived in Spain and never failed to mail me and still phoned me every night from Spain. two months went by corresponding with each other when he finally said I miss you so much and need you by my side and I now realise what you mean to me. I left for Spain on 20^th August all expenses paid and it was the happiest day of my life I was ecstatic!!!!!!!

We had a wonderful time in Spain I was spoilt rotten!! We got closer and closer I was radiant and glowing with happiness. I left Spain In the middle of October and he returned on the 1^st of November. I left my home to open up his and to wait for his return. When he arrived at his home in South Africa I was so overwhelmed by his warmth and tenderness he mentioned I have never missed anyone so much as I have missed you.

I stayed at his home for four months and can honestly tell you that he was loyal to me. By this time we have now spent two Christmases together and he was still not ready to commit he is very indecisive when it comes to making decisions ……. and I always put it down to maybe it’s because he has lived on his own for the last 9 years and set in his ways and had one two short relationships in between but it never lasted.

Jane call it women’s intuition the day I lay eyes on this man I said to myself he is going to be my soul partner. And deep down I still feel that way. He left for Spain on the 18^th May 2014 again……but before he left we spoke about our relationship in depth. And he mentioned that he needs a little more time to make up his mind as this is our last journey so to speak …… and I gave him an ultimatum which was probably the wrong thing to do!! I have given him time until he returns from Spain in October and if he still not sure I am going to walk away from this relationship. I know I will be devastated but I cannot live an emotional roller coaster like this anymore it’s unsettling for me and not to mention what it is doing to me emotionally!!

As I mentioned before Jane I have no doubts about him because I know he loves me and come a long way together. I all most forgot to mention two weeks ago before he left for Spain I happened to walk passed his office and found that his computer was open and saw that he has been mailing a women for the last two weeks there was no romance in his mails to her they were just chatting in general. I was shocked and confronted him and ready to pack my bags!! He was shaking and crying begging me to stay and mentioned that it’s nothing that he was doing this to make sure that I am the one he wants. I told him that it makes no sense and that he was still keeping the back door open. His reply to that was she means nothing to me which I found hard to believe. Needless to say I stayed and I have never got so much attention from him since that altercation. But the hardest part for me is what guarantee do I have that he is not going to meet her as she is on holiday in Spain!! I guess I will never no I’m just going to have to trust him and see what happens.

Jane I love this many deeply!! My question to you is do I wait for him????? I would appreciate it so much if you could comment on my story.

Kind regards

Doreen

My Response:

You have to decide what being with him on his terms is worth to you, Doreen. It sounds like you’re riding an emotional roller coaster with him – and one that he’s more than happy to continue riding with you as long as you’re willing to ride it with him. Such intense highs and lows are so common with men who aren’t comfortable with more of a commitment because they create a space for them to distance themselves emotionally when things get too intense. It’s the reason everything can be so incredibly amazing for a short time, but then it all falls apart soon after, only to repeat the same pattern all over again for as long as you remain a willing participant in this pattern.

The fact that you’re seeing this for yourself is huge, Doreen, because no one deserves to live on an emotional rollercoaster with what it does to you emotionally when you live like this with someone who thrives on this type of lifestyle. It’s no accident that he’s chosen to divide his time between two places; what better way to keep everyone and everything at a safe distance than by actually having to leave each place after a few months for his job! He has the perfect setup.

While I don’t doubt that he has strong feelings for you, the fact that he is still conversing with another woman and defends his actions with an explanation that he needs to know if you’re the one, is an excuse no matter how innocent it seems. You obviously knew what was going on here, too, Doreen, or else you wouldn’t have had such a strong reaction to seeing this and it’s also why his explanation didn’t satisfy you. You always know.

Regarding this woman you've found him to be corresponding with, you have no guarantee that he’s not going to meet her on holiday in Spain. The most telling thing about all this is that not only do you not trust him, you also don’t believe he can give you what you want without you giving him an ultimatum. And that’s why you have two clear options here, Doreen.

You can choose to go with the part of you that loves the lavish attention, the exciting highs and the incredible feelings you have with him when everything is wonderful. You can change yourself, your expectations, your requirements that he needs to meet and make a life for yourself independent of him outside of the times that he spends with you. You accept who he is and what he can offer you as well as who he isn't and what he can’t. You find your peace with that acceptance and no longer live your life trying to get him to change or commit to you. You accept this reality as what you are choosing and let go of what you want from him that he is clearly unable or unwilling to give you. Instead, you make this silent exchange, and choose to find the parts of him that he can’t give you in your own life and in you. You choose this from a place of power where you recognize what you're getting and what you're not but not because he's in control, but because you're the one who's choosing this.

Or you can choose to let him go. You recognize that your expectations and requirements you have of him – of the relationship - are your own. You decide that the emotional lows you’re living aren't worth the highs. You decide that what this is doing to you emotionally can’t be changed by focusing on you, getting out there and creating the life for yourself that you’re looking to him to give you. You decide you can’t live with the uncertainties of not knowing if you can trust him, or if there might be some other woman in some other port of call. You wait or don’t wait for his answer to your ultimatum, depending on whether you want to make your own terms for this relationship or wait to hear his. You realize you’re the one doing the choosing here, and regardless of the time invested and the initial devestation of the loss of him, you come to term with the fact that you’re not willing to live like this anymore.

It’s not his decision; it’s yours, Doreen.

Only you can take back your own power and make the choice that you can live with. You can’t have it both ways without doing more damage to yourself. You have to decide what you want more, because with this particular man, you can’t have the part you want with him without the other part that you don’t want.

As we all discover sooner or later, you can't change him, but you can change you.

What do you think? Do you have any other advice for our beautiful friend Doreen? Tell us in the comments!

Don't Ask "Who's Next?" Ask This Instead

19 Comments

Where is he? We wonder.

We've done our work, we say.

We've learned more than enough lessons and we’re finally starting to see the role we play in these relationships that aren't the ones we belong on and we’re learning to stop holding on so tight.

But when will he come along? You wonder.

Where is he? You come right out and ask.

You've kept your end of the bargain, is what you’re really saying, with the universe, with God, with whoever it is you’re bargaining with; now where’s your reward?

And there you are. Alone. And it hurts.

It doesn't seem fair. So much work, so many lessons, when is it going to be my turn? is the silent question never far from your lips.

Just move on. Let go.

“I've done that”, you say. But is it possible that, like me, not too long ago, you were expecting to move on to someone else and not to more of you, alone, like before? And is it this new expectation that’s bringing with it a whole other belief system with its own set of “shoulds” and assumptions and new stories that are simply replacing the old?

We think we move on to a who.

All too often we wait for someone better to come along before we take that leap. But it’s actually the reverse that’s true. You move on for yourself. You move on to a what before there becomes a who.

The what that you move on to is a life that’s waiting to be lived. Your life.

You move on to your dreams, your goals, your passions. You move on to your hobbies, your causes, your impossibles that become possibles. You move on to the amazing life you create for yourself!

I used to fight it. I’d stay in that bad relationship until something better came along so that I wouldn't have to be alone, so it would be easier to give up what little I was getting that seemed like so much at the time.

But it never quite worked that way. The ones who came along were all very much the same as the ones they replaced. Or they were the ones I should have been interested in, but they could never compare to my view of what I was giving up at the time.

The question of whether I was really better off alone would always set in.

I know you wonder that, too.

That it sometimes feels like you've been sold a bill of goods. That it wasn't supposed to be like this. That the right one was supposed to have come along by now.

And I know that you’re so tired of being alone. And going on that blind date. Or getting online “just in case”.

We all have it

If I could spend a day with you, I could tell you exactly what your particular “it” is. We all have one.

It’s the reason behind the reason. It’s what you can’t see because you've been doing it for so long even though you believe you've been doing it different every time.

If you didn't have one, if there was no real reason except that you’re not enough, or there’s something wrong with you, it would be just that simple. But there is one, and you are. Enough and perfect just the way you are, for someone who’s truly right for you. But without this thing that’s holding you back and keeping you where you are.

Find that what that you need to move on to. Peel away those layers some more to see who you really are. To discover what it is you really want, and why it’s so hard to find just that.

I've heard so many women who say they've done it all and tried everything and they know that there’s nothing more they can do to find “him”.

They’re just unlucky, they falsely believe. And so they’re spending all their time and energy fulfilling their own self-fulfilling prophecies. And yet, when I see who they’re choosing, when I see who they’re not choosing, it’s clear there’s some disconnect between who their story tells them they want and who their heart of hearts desires.

Are you the damsel in distress?

Are you the princess waiting to be rescued?

Are you the strong, grounded, responsible one who only wants what you can’t have?

Are you the girl who was never allowed to play and so there he is, the player?

Are you the one who’s still trying to prove herself to someone who only exists in your mind?

Is it the fairy tale you’re stuck in, or is it someone else’s reality that he has to be so much more than what he is?

Who’s doing the choosing for you? Your mother, your father, your sibling, or some other “them” that hold you to a certain type?

What about a different type? What about someone completely different from all the ones before? Have you really tried them all?

Go there. Dig around. See what you find.

And while you’re there, check out your belief system. What do you really believe about love behind the ready answers you give so well?

And while we’re peeling away those well-rehearsed answers, what about those things that stir your soul? What about those fascinations, those passions, those things that won’t be silenced, but have been for so long?

What about all those things you love to do that others who share your values, your interests would also be doing in the places you’d be doing them, too?

What about those random moments in that coffee shop with other connoisseurs, those cozy chairs in the book stores with other book lovers, those times volunteering with animals, children or causes where other like-minded individuals find each other?

What about the whole new world that’s opened up with online-dating? Could all those real-life couples we all know who found themselves through this medium - and would never have come across each other otherwise - really all be wrong?

So much to explore when you see yourself and your world for what it is; opportunities to live, to create, to build, and to grow.

A life without fear, without making it into “finding him” and instead making it about finding ourselves.

Because remember, it’s not about trying so hard. It’s about two people on the same page who want the same thing and are drawn to each other in the living of two lives.

It’s a life. And it only takes one.

You.

What about you? Have you gotten caught up in the trap of constantly searching for your Mr. Right? Tell us about it in the comments! We've all been through it, and we're here to help.

Why Do You Want to Be With Someone Who Doesn't Want to Be With You?

79 Comments

For those of you who regularly read this blog, you've heard me ask this question time and time again.

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

But instead of answering this question directly for yourself by digging deeper to get to the root of the problem, you do the easier thing.

You find something – anything – that sounds like it makes your story different. That makes you the exception. That makes it different this time with this particular guy.

And I know why you do it. You do it for the same reason that I did it, and so many others do it too.

You really want to believe it's different. You don't want to let go.

But he does want to be with me, you say, because he says he still wants to be with me, he responds to my texts, he’s still here. He says he loves me, he just can’t give me what I’m looking for right now, but I know he'll come around.

And so, you stay.

And so, you wait.

Because you believe he’s the one. Because you believe he’s the last one. Because you believe you can’t live without him.

Can you see what’s really going on here? This isn't about him. This isn't about everything you believe he has to offer you.

This is about fear.

You’re afraid.

You don’t want to lose him because you’re afraid there isn't anyone better than him coming along and you’d rather have what you've got with him than settle for someone who you haven’t met yet.

It’s that fear that keeps all of us right where we are, whether we’re talking about a relationship, about a job, about a state of being, or about anything else where we’re being nudged out of our comfort zones.

We've all been there; you’re so not alone in this.

There's a way to fix it.

It’s called trust. In you.

The reason you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you is because you don’t believe there's someone else out there better for you. But that’s a lie that you've bought into that doesn't reflect the real truth.

The only ones you want to be with are the ones that treat you well. The ones that respect you.

The ones that are consistent and back up their words with their actions and don’t leave you guessing where you stand or wondering when you’re going to hear from them again.

The ones that show up when they say they’re going to show up and call when they say they’re going to call. They’re the ones that bring out the best in you and make you feel better about being yourself, not worse.

I know you want some reassurance, some way of knowing that there’s more to come than this, that there’s more to love than what you’re getting.

That kind of reassurance is right there, in your heart of hearts, beyond that place called fear. But to see it, to get there, you have to be willing to give up what you've got.

To question your belief that this is all there is. To question what you’re really looking for and why.

Don’t call it love if it hurts. Don’t call it “just the way he is” if it’s not the way you want it.

You’re the one in control here. Instead of focusing on him, focus on you. You’re the one who deserves to be loved. You’re the one who deserves to be respected.

Once you get clear on what you want and what you don’t, the rest is simple. You let go of what you don’t want – no matter how exciting it may feel to be with someone who keeps you at a distance – and you let someone who can give you what you deserve a chance to show you what he’s all about.

It’s always your choice what you choose to accept and what you refuse to allow.

It's OK, But It's Not OK

8 Comments

I hear it so often.

And I understand; I really do.

I hear you when you say "I'm not there yet." I see the tears you try to hold back. I feel your pain when you try to say you have to hold on, you have to keep waiting just a little longer because you love him too much to let go just yet.

And you know I'm the first one to say it's OK.

Wherever you are right now, it's OK. We all get there in our own time, and you'll get there in your own time. One step at a time; one new way of seeing at a time.

However long it takes you, it's OK. You've heard me say it time and time again.

It's OK wherever you are, wherever you're at.

It's OK.

But looking at it another way, it's really not OK.

Because the life that you're living right now isn't the life that you deserve to live. Because the pain that you're feeling right now isn't the kind of pain any one deserves to go through.

Because the amount of hurting you're going through right now is no way for anyone to live. Because the aching loneliness you're experiencing isn't how we are meant to experience life.

Yes, I'm the first to tell you it's OK because wherever we are is our reality and where we all begin. And who you are, and where you are is nothing to beat yourself up about or feel bad about yourself for.

But you deserve so much more than this.

You can keep waiting. You can keep going through the motions. You can keep putting one foot in front of the other until you finally get tired of living like this.

But there's a life to be lived that's just waiting for you. It's your life. It's the life you were made for, the life that you've been putting off living even as it's passing you by.

This is the life I want you to see, to discover, to embrace for yourself.

You see, when I look back at where I used to be back when I was single and living my life in what I now know was the waiting mode, I realize how much I missed out on.

When I think about what I could have done with my life, it tears me to the core. It would have affected so many areas of my life.

Don't wait.

It's your time.

How ever long it's going to take. Whatever action it's going to require in your part. Don't wait another minute settling for so much less than you deserve. Don't struggle another moment living like you are, going through what you are when there is so much help out there for you.

You don't need to.

If it's my program that's speaking to you, then great - I'm here for you.

If it's someone else's that's helping you, that's great, too. If it's one-on-one counseling sessions with someone you're finally ready to try, that's wonderful, too.

It doesn't matter where you find your help, all that it matters is that you do!

So take that time that you were going to spend watching your usual television shows, take that money you were going to spend on that new outfit to try to catch the attention of yet another him, and take that energy that you're only using on over-thinking and rehashing what he's thinking and what you did wrong, and put it all toward the one thing that's worth more than any of these: YOU.

Because when you look back, this time is going to pass you by and be a distant memory soon enough. But it's your life, your time, your happiness.

You are worth so much more than anything else you might think your time, your money and your energy are worth.

Go get that help you need to get past your past.

Go get that help you need to find what you're really looking for.

Go get that help so you can start seeing who you really are and what you really deserve.

Go get that help so you can see what you can't see now, so you can do what you don't believe you can do now, so you can become what you can't imagine yourself getting to right now.

You can and you will. But only if you choose to.

So choose to.

Love,

Jane

It's Time to Let Go

50 Comments

As 2013 draws towards its close, like most of us, I’m doing some reflection on the past year.

There's always been something about the prospect of a having a clean slate and a fresh start that has always inspired me. Over the years I've made my share of New Year's resolutions, resolving to do this or that, or becoming more or less of something else.

But one of the things that's frequently forgotten in the anticipation of the glittering promise of the New Year is leaving the past year behind and letting go.

Letting go of what we want to do differently.

Letting go of what didn't work, what wasn't meant to be, of what we can’t change.

Letting go of regret.

Letting go of loss.

Letting go of the fear.

Letting go of so many things, depending on what we're talking about.

We can get so caught up in the getting to where we want to go part that we don't even realize all the baggage we're still carrying around with us.

Because it's only when we let go that we open ourselves up to all that's still to come.

It’s only when we let go that we allow ourselves to move forward instead of backward.

It’s only when we let go that we can see what’s been there all along, but we couldn't see before.

No matter how much we believe we have every right to keep hanging on, no matter how much we convince ourselves that it's serving us well to keep holding on, it doesn't.

It serves us nothing to keep holding on like this to whatever, or whoever, we're holding onto so tightly.

Yes, you may have every right to be angry, you may have every right to be devastated. But where does that get you? What does that do for you, my beautiful friend?

Whatever happened, whatever didn't happen, whatever should have happened according to you, what does holding onto that get you now?

That's right. Nowhere.

It only eats away at you, tears you apart, and leaves you with nothing.

Enough of the past. Enough of what didn't work. Enough of all the trying, the endless second-guessing, the crawling, the begging, the pleasing, the endless beating ourselves up, lamenting what we could have had if only we had done or said something different.

Enough.

We can spin such a very powerful story around why we can't let go, why we have to keep hanging onto this, why we have to keep doing this to ourselves. But we don't.

The truth is it's hurting us.

It's detrimental to our beautiful selves.

When we hang on to what was, we miss out on what is.

When we hang on to what could have been, we can't see what can be.

When we hang on to our story, we miss the new story that's just waiting to be told.

We all have our reasons.

We all have our stories.

What do you need to let go of? Let it go here and now.

I can't explain how it happens, but something changes when we finally let it go. Release it, let it go, and know that, in the long run, it doesn't really matter.

Later, when you look back on your life with the happy heart of your future self, you will see how small this was in the grand scheme of things. You'll see how even this was part of your journey, as much as you don't see it now.

Looking back at 2013, what do you need to let go of once and for all? Share it with us here in the comments as we support each other on this journey of letting go.

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Moving On After a Breakup

Her story:

My response:

Should I Wait For Him?

Her email:

My Response:

Don't Ask "Who's Next?" Ask This Instead

We all have it

Why Do You Want to Be With Someone Who Doesn't Want to Be With You?

It's OK, But It's Not OK

It's Time to Let Go

Enough.

The truth is it's hurting us.

We all have our reasons.

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