Getting to TRUE Love

Finding your YOU that leads to TWO

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Finding Love

The posts in the Finding Love category relate to bringing love into your life, whether you are currently single, dating, or in a relationship. This category includes topics such as finding yourself, knowing what you want, living your life, etc.

The Biggest Lie You Were Ever Told

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A beautiful woman looks down, sad, wondering if her boyfriend is getting distant.
You give and you give. And then you give some more. Because they told you to.

I see you, you know. Maybe because I've been you.

He treats you like he's got so many options you should be lucky he's paying any attention to you, and what do you do? You give and you give. And then you give some more.

He's a no-show. You track him down to make sure he's okay and when he finally answers you, you tell him you're the one who's sorry.

He doesn't call when he says he will. You get tired of waiting and send him a message only to hear back from him hours later that he worked late or fell asleep. You empathize with him and tell him you're sorry. You hope he gets some sleep.

Even when he ends it, you're telling him you'll always care about him and always be there for him. He doesn't say anything like that to you.

Even as he's walking away, laughing behind your back to his friends as he tells them the story. Still caring, still trying, still pining, still care-taking for his emotions, his fragile ego, his wounded younger self.Continue Reading

Is it love? Or just what you're used to?

9 Comments

A heartbroken woman with her head in her hands, wondering how do I let go?
Why does it feel like a punishment?

I've noticed a theme in the conversations we've been having lately.

I hear you say you think you're being punished.

You've had such bad luck with men, you're convinced it's got to be some form of punishment.

I hear you say you think it's because of something you did or something you should have known better to do.

I hear you say there's just some reason that you're being put through whatever it is you're going through - as if someone or something called God or love or fate - or whatever you believe in - could do something like this to you.

Drop that story, Beautiful. It's old. It's not true. It's not loving. And it's so unkind to you.Continue Reading

Lucky

7 Comments

Woman upset at her crush with other girl on a sunny day
She's just lucky? Here's what really happened.

Don't tell me it can't happen for you.

She had every reason it shouldn't have happened for her, but it did.

Don't tell me it's not the same for you.

I've seen this too often. No, she didn't just get lucky. Sure, the right place and time happened. But you know why it happened?

Because she finally dumped the guy who wasn't the right one for her who she was settling for once more because she didn't want to admit she'd failed again.

Because she stopped pretending it was working when it wasn't, and she finally got up the nerve to do what she knew in her heart she had to do and started creating a life for herself doing what she actually WANTED to do instead of following what she was SUPPOSED to do.

And yes she had a horrible childhood and was divorced twice and had kids of her own and all kinds of other baggage.

But you know what? So did he. So do we all!

So when you say she just got lucky - the way you see it, so sure, let's go with that - you know when that happened?Continue Reading

What I've Learned About Fathers

22 Comments

Father and daughter playing outdoors in superhero costumes, on top of mountain looking in sunset
We always wanted him to be our hero.

I've written a lot about fathers. Especially about how it's our primary father-daughter relationship (or lack of one) that sets the stage for who we're attracted to when we're older.

Our entire understanding of the emotionally-available man is built around the type of relationship we had with our dads.

And so today, as I called my own dad to wish him a Happy Father's Day, I was reminded of what I've come to know for sure over the almost 2 decades since I've been with my husband now, a man who couldn't be more unlike my dad.

I know my dad did the best he could with who he was and what he was taught when I was the little girl I used to be.

See, there's a process we go through when we first realize the cause of so much of our pain is because we're chasing after a mirror version of what we were missing in our relationships with our dads.

If your dad wasn't someone who sought you out, who pursued you, who came to you instead of you always having to come to him if you wanted a relationship with him, you won't think twice about chasing after men now.

Continue Reading

Your Worst Fear

39 Comments

Rear view pensive thoughtful woman sitting on sofa alone, lost in thoughts, upset female having psychological problem, heartbreak, thinking about being alone
Here's why it's not going to happen.

We have to talk about your worst fear. I know you've got many, but this one stands out because it's the one that's hurting you the most.

There's too many of us here hanging onto a guy who's already missed all your checkboxes only because you're afraid you'll never meet anyone else as good as him.

This is the absolute worst reason to put up with what you're putting up with right now!

See, there aren't all these people walking around on this planet right now and no one who could possibly be someone for you.

This is one of the biggest lies we've ever been programmed with; that you have to ignore how badly someone is treating you, that you have to minimize and excuse away all those behaviors that you used to say you'd never tolerate, just to avoid being alone.

No, you're not going to be alone forever!Continue Reading

Kindness, Shame ... and Hockey

7 Comments

Silhouette of sad woman looking at sunset over water, shame concept
I didn't realize just how beaten down I was.

We've all had those pivotal moments in our lives when we're provided with a contrast so opposite to the situation we've found ourselves in, that we can't help but question why we're still there.

They remind us not everyone will treat us the way we've become so used to. They give us hope.

And they provide us with something to look back on when we try to make sense of it all.

One of those moments for me was at a hockey game with my boyfriend at the time, this guy I felt so beaten down by (he was the one who also made me literally sick at the end.)

Yeah. That one.

It was  during one of the intermissions where I went to the concessions by myself and to have someone smile at me - another man smile at me, say something nice to me, be kind to me - it felt like such a rare thing.

I felt so grateful, overly grateful, and as proof of how beaten down I’d become, I was thinking, you’re so kind.

You’re so nice to me.Continue Reading

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