Archives for June 2020

Is it love? Or just what you're used to?

A heartbroken woman with her head in her hands, wondering how do I let go? — Why does it feel like a punishment?

I've noticed a theme in the conversations we've been having lately.

I hear you say you think you're being punished.

You've had such bad luck with men, you're convinced it's got to be some form of punishment.

I hear you say you think it's because of something you did or something you should have known better to do.

I hear you say there's just some reason that you're being put through whatever it is you're going through - as if someone or something called God or love or fate - or whatever you believe in - could do something like this to you.

Drop that story, Beautiful. It's old. It's not true. It's not loving. And it's so unkind to you.Continue Reading

He says he needs space. What do I do now?

8 Comments

Sad woman hugging her emotionally unavailable boyfriend and looking down. — I'm terrified he won't come back.

Our letter today comes from Cyndi, who's wondering what to do when her boyfriend said he needs space to figure things out, and she can't stop thinking about him. Sound familiar?

Here's her letter and my response:

Hi Jane,

My boyfriend asked for some space from the relationship to figure things out. Not contacting him is so so difficult and I’m terrified that he won’t come back. I know I need to take this time to focus on myself but it’s all I’m thinking about right now.

What do I do?

- Cyndi

My Response:

Of course that's all you can think about right now, Cyndi. He's the one who asked for space, not you. You wanted things to keep progressing. You weren't expecting this. Continue Reading

Lucky

7 Comments

Woman upset at her crush with other girl on a sunny day — She's just lucky? Here's what really happened.

Don't tell me it can't happen for you.

She had every reason it shouldn't have happened for her, but it did.

Don't tell me it's not the same for you.

I've seen this too often. No, she didn't just get lucky. Sure, the right place and time happened. But you know why it happened?

Because she finally dumped the guy who wasn't the right one for her who she was settling for once more because she didn't want to admit she'd failed again.

Because she stopped pretending it was working when it wasn't, and she finally got up the nerve to do what she knew in her heart she had to do and started creating a life for herself doing what she actually WANTED to do instead of following what she was SUPPOSED to do.

And yes she had a horrible childhood and was divorced twice and had kids of her own and all kinds of other baggage.

But you know what? So did he. So do we all!

So when you say she just got lucky - the way you see it, so sure, let's go with that - you know when that happened?Continue Reading

What I've Learned About Fathers

22 Comments

Father and daughter playing outdoors in superhero costumes, on top of mountain looking in sunset — We always wanted him to be our hero.

I've written a lot about fathers. Especially about how it's our primary father-daughter relationship (or lack of one) that sets the stage for who we're attracted to when we're older.

Our entire understanding of the emotionally-available man is built around the type of relationship we had with our dads.

And so today, as I called my own dad to wish him a Happy Father's Day, I was reminded of what I've come to know for sure over the almost 2 decades since I've been with my husband now, a man who couldn't be more unlike my dad.

I know my dad did the best he could with who he was and what he was taught when I was the little girl I used to be.

See, there's a process we go through when we first realize the cause of so much of our pain is because we're chasing after a mirror version of what we were missing in our relationships with our dads.

If your dad wasn't someone who sought you out, who pursued you, who came to you instead of you always having to come to him if you wanted a relationship with him, you won't think twice about chasing after men now.

Why do I still need his validation?

10 Comments

A beautiful woman is leaning on a railing against a sunset, disappointed she hasn't heard from her boyfriend. — I shouldn't care but I do.

Our letter this week comes from Micah, who's wondering why she's still looking for validation from one of the worst guys she's ever been with, and why it still matters to her that she hears from him.

Here's her letter and my response below...

Hi Jane,

I'm having weird feelings about my "boyfriend" who moved away.

Normally, whenever I'd think about an ex or him, I couldn't help but long to be together again, the thought of having just one more time and how I'd do things differently - the whole 9 yards.

Whereas today, with him, I don't even get to that sad place.

I'm reminded of how everything he ever said and did was a lie. It's not enough to say I get mad when I think about him but more so, uninterested - can't be bothered mentally.

Though lately, well, I've been in a mad mood. A lot of people have been hearing from their exes and so naturally he's been on my mind, as each month goes by, it's a reminder how someone I cared for cared so little about me.Continue Reading

Your Worst Fear

39 Comments

Rear view pensive thoughtful woman sitting on sofa alone, lost in thoughts, upset female having psychological problem, heartbreak, thinking about being alone — Here's why it's not going to happen.

We have to talk about your worst fear. I know you've got many, but this one stands out because it's the one that's hurting you the most.

There's too many of us here hanging onto a guy who's already missed all your checkboxes only because you're afraid you'll never meet anyone else as good as him.

This is the absolute worst reason to put up with what you're putting up with right now!

See, there aren't all these people walking around on this planet right now and no one who could possibly be someone for you.

This is one of the biggest lies we've ever been programmed with; that you have to ignore how badly someone is treating you, that you have to minimize and excuse away all those behaviors that you used to say you'd never tolerate, just to avoid being alone.

No, you're not going to be alone forever!Continue Reading

M	T	W	T	F	S	S
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30

Is it love? Or just what you're used to?

He says he needs space. What do I do now?

Here's her letter and my response:

My Response:

Lucky

What I've Learned About Fathers

Why do I still need his validation?

Here's her letter and my response below...

Your Worst Fear

Latest Tweets

Recent Comments

Calendar