We’ve been programmed to be so “nice” that it’s no wonder we’re confused. We have so very few role models to show us what it means!
So many of us were raised by mothers who either were always “nice” or eventually blew up into something that was anything but what they preached at us to be. And the same went for grandmothers, aunts, cousins, sisters.
You name it, we women have so much to learn about being confident, assertive, and yes, that word “nice”.
It’s about setting boundaries and teaching these men in our lives how to treat us so that we don’t get to the point where we blow up into something we’re not, which is often how we end up before we realize something needs to change.
Sound at all familiar?
If we don't know ourselves how to be nice without being a doormat, how to assert ourselves and set boundaries without compromising our genuine niceness, how can we possibly teach a guy how to treat us if we don’t know what it is we want in the first place? How can we possibly let him know what we are - and are not - okay with?
After all, we want to let these guys know in a loving, but firm way, what is and isn’t acceptable if they want to be with us, as things come up - and they always do - in the relationship.
It’s a proactive way of living that saves us so much stress, and heartbreak in the end. We lose so much of our power when we behave in a reactive way of living, where we haven’t embraced the simple fact that we have a right to our ways of being; our preferences, our limits, our boundaries, our deal breakers.
But if we don’t truly believe that we have a right to state what we want and don’t want, what we’re okay with and what we’re not, what we want out of this relationship and what we don’t, then we’re going to continue going along with being “nice”, always in agreement. Not rocking the boat for the sake of keeping him happy and thus keeping him with us.
Isn’t that really what’s going on here?
We’re afraid if he knew the real us and we might disagree with him on something, then he might not like it and leave us. And that’s scary. Really, really scary because we actually believe right down to our core that we need him.
To live. To breathe. To be okay. To be happy.
That’s why we do “nice” so well and keep on doing nice so well because we’re so scared that if we don’t, if he’s not happy, then he’s out of here and on to someone else and we’ll be left alone.
And that's a scary place to be.
Our greatest fear is to be rejected, not wanted, thrown out, worthless, discarded.
Oh, I remember all too well what it was like to finally have enough of "nice".
Finally, finally, our true selves can't bear one more moment of selling our own souls to yet another man like we do, this giving up our 'us' for him. Finally, in the moment everyone else on the outside had been waiting for, that true self says "enough is enough". You can do this no more.
Because you couldn’t not. Because you had to. To save yourself.
Isn't that how it happened? And the words came out, spilled out before you knew what was happening and before “nice” could stop them, so that you said your piece, and he heard it and the words were out before you could take them back. The reality was, this really was always under the programmed nice – he knew it was, and he knew this moment would come. You both did. And so did something else, waiting for this to get him out of there and give you a real chance at a real life with someone real.
And he left. And as much as you begged him to change his mind, to take you back, to come back – you didn’t mean it, you shouldn’t have said it, you lost control, you just lost it, you’re not really like that, that wasn’t really you or whatever else you said – but it’s done and you’re done and the whole thing’s done and it’s a good thing but it’s left you in pieces.
You didn't know what to do.
And the worst part is you weren't mad at him, no, you were mad at yourself.
Furious.
This is where the "if only’s" begin. If only you could just have kept up the act for a little longer, kept playing the part of the perfect girlfriend who puts up with everything and makes your guy so happy, and never rocks the boat, you would have had him forever.
I know how it goes. Believe me I know.
You try to convince yourself now that he was so close to realizing what he had in you and make the commitment to be with you and only you forever. You beat yourself up over and over again because you think you blew it and he’s gone and you can’t get him back no matter how hard you try and now you’re just feeling worse than even before.
Desperate, alone, ashamed, embarrassed, and so mad at yourself that you couldn’t keep up the facade because you were so close!
The truth is, Beautiful, you weren’t.
You were the only one who thought this because when you’re in deep like this, you’re in denial. When we’re in it bad and we’ve got it bad and we can’t see the guy for what he is or the relationship for what it is and we only want to see it the way we see it but we can’t see that’s what’s going on.
That’s called denial.
And I know I’ve said it here before, but when you’re in denial, it’s just not real, and without real, you’ve got nothing. But I know why you’re hanging on – because he’s a great salesman. And you want to be that woman he wanted to have it all with him!
I did, too! Beautiful, I’ve been where you are. I’ve walked in your shoes. I’ve had that same longing for this to be it – the one, the guy.
But you can’t make someone out to be the perfect guy for you if he isn’t actually the right one for you. Wanting it to be doesn’t make it that way. No matter how much you want it to.
Deep down, your true self knew it was time.
You won’t be open to someone new while your heart is still with someone else. You can’t be ready for someone else while you’re still convinced making someone into what you want him to be – no, need him to be – is your number one goal in life.
Yes, you’re nice. And you always will be.
But there’s also a part of you that knows your limits, that recognizes when enough is enough. When the writing is not just on the wall but all over that wall. That’s when nice becomes real. And that's when that real part of you that’s so much more than just nice steps in and help out when we just won’t get it any other way.
You can’t see it now, but you will. I promise you, you will.
You couldn’t have convinced me of any of this either when I was in the throes of hanging on and trying to make “nice” be enough. And the life I’m living right now with the guy who’s everything I ever could have wished or hoped for in a man to spend my whole life with, could never ever have happened if I had hung on any tighter to the guy I finally had to say goodbye to.
But no one could have told me that back then, because I thought I knew better.
So it’s okay if you don’t believe me right now; I didn’t believe it either. Just plant that little seed back there in the back and know that at some point, this will all make sense to you.
I’m not worried about you, Beautiful. I know one day, at the moment when it all begins to click for you, that’s when you’ll be the one writing to me to tell me you got it, and you’ll be sharing your own love story with me.
You've never been "too nice". It's that you've been someone else's kind of "nice".
Been here? Realizing you can only go so far with being everyone else's kind of "nice"? You can share your story here in the comments and find out you're not the only one.
Angel says
I noticed something this week in media that speaks to this exactly. The bachelorette this season walked away from a guy she liked because she wasn't getting what she wanted from him. And it was awful, but not surprising how people were swift and merciless against her. Funny how society reacts to a woman choosing herself instead of someone else, in this case the noncommittal guy who wants things on his terms.
Judith says
Thank you Jane. I know this fear of rejection too, of being abandoned and not wanted. And I had my share of falling for men who triggered exactly this fear. And I am working on building the life I want right now. But sometimes I still ask myself whether it would have worked out if I could have been real with him. There is still some regret left. And I am wondering about this "right" person for me. What does that mean? What does that feel like? Could he have been "right" if I would have been real? But I guess I have to wait and experience it to really know. Sending lots of love
Fiona says
Dear Jane and all the beautiful women out there sharing on this amazing blog!
I am so happy with this one!
I have been with a guy for 7 years in the beginning I was sooo sweet and nice..letting him come whenever it suited him having lots of sex and then not hearing from him for weeks..listening to his stories of his work up til early morning while I needed my sleep..oh how I was nice..he just did what he knew.He has and still does do the same with his mother!he is 40.. so when I put up a boundary he would go to his mum.
Anyway in the years I have been in therapy and learned that it is the little girl inside me who is still scarwd to be left alone and has learned to survive by putting her needs and longings tucked far away and been receptive to others needs especially men.
Niw I have slowly awoken and have become less nice and pleasing and actually speaking my truth and my dealbreakers and..he calls me bitchy butch etc..so painfull.
But I know now he feels caught out he knows he is stringing me along he knows how unhappy I am with the choices he makes which has negative influence on our relationship (work hours smoking addiction temper problems etc) but he still does minimal to change them..
So I have changed instead.
Changed my values..changed my way of thinking about myself my addiction to him(!) Focussed on MY work not his..just in all not focussed on saving him and the relatinship..scary yes..but I cannot do it any longer!
And guess what..that what I was always scared of is happening..
He is not calling he is not making an effort to pull the realtionship together nothing silence.no reaching out..it's been me all along dping everyt hing I possibly can to save us both to save him..hard to swallow but this needs to happen.
Your topic today came at the perfect time Jane to confirm that being nice is actually not nice to ourselves..
Thankyou all, Love Fiona
WJ says
Well said and researched, Jane.
Heard "too nice" my whole life. It's an upbring thing that needed to be updated. Thank you for making common sense when no one else does. WJ
Jane says
Oh I try, WJ. So glad this is resonating with you. Been on my heart for a long, long time!
Jane's Fan says
Very timely post!
I was watching the season finale of the Bachelorette last night and was reminded of how the path to true love has lots of false leads and confusing guys who can't commit. (The second runner-up/loser was one of those confusing/confused guys.)
Thank you Jane for reminding us that setting boundaries with the confusing guys is super important! We can be super capable & nice women in many areas, but it's not our job to go above & beyond for men/boys who aren't putting forth effort and commitment. Our efforts would be much more appreciated elsewhere -- whether with other men, or in friendships or projects.
Starting today, I'm going to make my life easier by avoiding unnecessarily complicated and frustrating dating situations. Thanks for the encouragement! 😀
Jane says
Exactly, Jane's Fan! (BTW, you made me smile!) You've got this!
Nola says
Thank you Jane for your excellent writings. You so know where we are coming from! I have always been "too nice" and never want to rock the boat. I think I am finally "getting it" The last guy I dated started the game playing,etc. At first- I was the nice girl as usual. Then- I tried being nice and assertive. And asking some questions about some things that just didn't add up. I think he knew I was starting to figure him out. Then- he just disappeared- no more calls or texts. You're right that so many of them are good salesmen. Again- I beat myself up for making the same mistakes that I have made with other men in the past. After reading so many of your wonderful articles and knowing I'm not the only woman who's experienced or done This- I finally feel like I am in a better place. I have made a vow to myself to do better in the future- that I can still be nice- but set boundaries and stick to them. Thank you so much for always inspiring us and encouraging us to love ourselves first. 🙂
Jane says
"that I can still be nice- but set boundaries and stick to them." - Exactly, Nola! So glad these messages are resonating so deeply with you. We've got a whole lot of deprogramming to do, one step at a time. 🙂
ella says
Thank you for another very helpful post!
When I was in high school, I heard a song that addresses this topic and was reminded of it while reading what you wrote (-:
https://youtu.be/F4V8UtSlFuA
Jane says
Thanks for sharing, Ella. Always love to inspire you! 🙂
Lolly says
"Our greatest fear is to be rejected, not wanted, thrown out, worthless, discarded." this just sent shivers down my spine because i just realized that this is probably the reason why i always try to be nice not only on love relationships but to family and friends as well, i always try to make sure that everyone is ok and well taken care of, always calling, checking up on them etc, and this only leaves me with emptiness in my heart when i feel like my actions are not reciprocated.
My mother walked away on me when i was only 2 and my father died when i was 9. so i always try to work so hard to make sure that someone doesn`t leave me. As much as i am now aware of this and try to avoid being too nice it`s not that easy.
The guy i dated for a year who broke up with me via text told me that i don`t give him stress that is why he liked being around me but he eventually left because i guess he could no longer take my being nice to him, and i heard rumors that the woman he is currently dating told him straight up that "he needs to sort himself out first, be sure of what he wants before dating her" and guess what? they recently went on a weekend away together. i`m not hurt by the fact that he has moved on however i`m angry at myself for allowing him to date me for a year without wanting to commit and him eventually saying he is not ready for a relationship, why couldn`t i be like that woman who said "fix your issues first before coming to me"? why am i being so nice?
So i dated someone else briefly after that one year relationship and guess what? he also said to me "i like you, you don`t have drama, you are not dramatic when i`m with you i feel at peace" and a day after he said that he just stopped communicating altogether and i`ve also been quiet. Now when i translate all of these comments about me not giving them stress and less dramatic all i can hear is "you are nice". The challenging part though is that i don`t know how else to be, i really do want to be confident, assertive, strong and nice at the same time but where do i start?. Thank you Jane for shedding some light in all of this.
I`m on a break now just to work on myself, i shake every time when i think of entering a new relationship, i`m just tired, i`m scared of starting something that might eventually not workout, i`m tired of being too nice.
Jane says
Oh Lolly, thanks for sharing. This echoes true for so many of us. Start with getting clear on your own boundaries first. Find out what you like and what you don't. Figure out what your own deal breakers are. Make that list of things you won't ever compromise on or settle for, and the things you will. But make it about things that matter like character and values and morals more than the surface things that won't matter in the long run.
When you're so used to deferring to what everyone wants, over time you lose sight of who you are and what you want and what you'll accept, etc. So you have to start with getting to know yourself, figuring out your own lines, your own boundaries, your own everything. Then practice the little steps of thinking something through before responding, of saying a simple yes or no without the long, justifying explanation because we're not sure if it's really ok to say no.
At first it feels awkward. Expect that. You'll feel like you don't have a right to. You'll hear that voice saying "who do you think you are?" But keep walking through, walk through the awkwardness until you start to feel your wings. Until you start to feel light and free with your own preferences and boundaries instead of the heaviness it feels like in the beginning. Practice, practice, practice! At the grocery store, at work with people you're comfortable with, around friends that will support you in this process. Save the tougher people who aren't that supportive for later when you've gotten more used to hearing your own voice.
Small steps is the only way we do this, Lolly. Look at how long we've been programmed for. You didn't get to this point overnight, you have to expect a process to get out of it. One step at a time. You've got this!
Lolly says
"But keep walking through, walk through the awkwardness until you start to feel your wings."
Thank you so much Jane I can slowly feel my own confidence coming back to me. it`s such a relief to feel even the small little progress, and like you have said nothing happens over night, baby steps is all that needed.
I like the fact that I am able to apply all of this in my other aspects of my life and not only in relationships alone. I am looking forward to joining your programme soon.
sjh says
You always have just the right words. So insightful. Totally love your posts.
Jane says
aw, thank you, SJH. I always know someone needs to hear a certain message if the words keep coming around 🙂