The letter this week comes from our gorgeous friend Gigi, who's finding it hard to move on and let go of a guy she felt she had immediate physical chemistry with.
Here's her story:
I began dating a man right before Christmas.
We both agreed to just see where things went, but we had an immediate physical chemistry. So we had sex on the second date.
We saw each other three to four times a week for HOURS at a time. Not always sex, so I began to really like him.
Then I asked him if he was seeing anyone else because I wanted to make sure we were still on equal footing. He said he was and assumed I was. I told him that I was communicating with other men, but had not actually gone on any dates with them. I assumed this was a casual date or two with this other woman because he said he wasn't in a place to get exclusive as he was trying to find a new job.
For two weeks I continued to see him and sleep with him- basically hoping he would choose me. I got needy and wondered if he was with her...tried not to mention it to him, but I"m sure it was obvious by my moods.
He told me that we needed to stop having sex because it was messing with my mind. He didn't think it was right. Then he said it wasn't fair to HER to go out with her and then come home to me. He had taken HER to parties and out with his friends and his grown kids.
I felt like a slut.
I told him it felt like I was hidden like we were having an affair. He said no, because he told both of us that he was NOT getting exclusive with either of us - he has too much on his plate.
Then he told me to relax and let this thing with her run its course - he didn't see it being long term, but he can't see the future, blah,blah. He says it's because he was dating us both and he liked us both and she didn't ask questions and had already met his friends.
He said he still wanted to see me and didn't want me out of his life. He even kept some personal "sex" stuff at my house and said, "See... I'll see you again." So I left things at his place as well. Believing him when he said, "You act like you're never going to see me again. you might see me tomorrow."
I haven't heard from him since. It's been three weeks.
I left him a voicemail and he texted back "You didn't do anything wrong. it was the timing. Hope you're doing well." Which immediately caused the tears to flow.
I replied in a joking way if I would ever see/hear from him again and he replied, "Occasionally" To which I cried even more.
I haven't contacted him since.
Although I cry and question and analyze every text, every conversation, every time we had sex. From his actions I would have thought I was the only woman in the world. I was surprised to find out that I wasn't.
He said I should have known.
I don't know what to believe and what is BS. When I go back and read all our dialog, it is back and forth. I know I just need to let it go, but I thought it was a real connection on ALL levels and it's hard to believe that he was just using me.
I'm having a hard time moving on, which makes me feel pathetic and desperate.
I'm miserable right now and I need to be OK. How can I make myself accept this and let it be?
I just want peace and not all this wondering and doubting and hoping all mixed up.
Thanks!
- Gigi
My Response:
Oh Gigi, I feel for you! This is a trap so many of us fall into.
Of course you're finding it hard to move on!
I tell so many of the women I work with “Don’t have sex until you’ve got the commitment you want!” over and over and over again. But until you recognize who you are and what you have to offer – and how sex changes all of that – you’re not going to realize just how important this is.
Guess when men want us the most? BEFORE sex.
Guess when we, as women, want him the most? AFTER sex.
And this is why it matters (yes it absolutely matters!) that you don’t have sex with him when you’re still able to think clearly, before you've gotten too attached.
After sex is when you’re hooked. After is when those mind-altering bonding hormones kick in and you can’t think straight, let alone act straight. After is when you can’t stop thinking about him, can’t stop trying to get close again, can’t stop figuring out how to be and say and become everything he can’t resist.
It’s mind altering, literally, and until we acknowledge this part, and not just the part that says we have the right to or that we can, we only keep hurting ourselves over and over again.
Yes, you can, but do you want to? That’s your question. And then come to your own answer. Can you risk what it does to you? Is it worth it for what it does to you?
Go back and reread what you wrote to me. Look at all the things you’re feeling. These are your real feelings and you feel them for a reason.
He’s putting this all on you because it’s so much easier to tell you to just relax, to tell you that you should have known, that he made this oh so obvious to you.
He didn’t.
Not through the lens we live our lives through, and especially not through the lens we look through after we’ve been intimate with someone like this.
Own that view. Own the way you see him. The way you see love.
The way you couldn’t possibly have known when you were looking through the lens you looked through.
Next time, you’ll do this different. You’ll take your time. You’ll make sure you’re both on the same page, exclusive and committed to each other.
Or you won’t. Because you don’t have to. It just makes it easier on yourself if you do.
This is the part we need to accept. You can go there, but it colors everything we see after. It attaches ourselves to him. It takes away our objectivity. But yes, you can always still go there if you can’t not.
The next time, it might be different. We’ve all heard those stories.
But most likely, it won’t be.
The learning we go through to accept ourselves and what we know is too important a part of this journey. And who we meet after we can do that, after we’ve learned how to accept reality and let go of something short of that reality that only exists when we look through that other lens, is someone worth every part of this journey.
Turn the story around, Gigi.
He did choose you. He knew what a prize you were. He just didn’t know what to do with you.
He didn’t know what to do with someone with a heart like yours. But don’t for one minute take what he ultimately decided to do with you personally. We’re never everyone’s cup of tea, only the ones who matter.
Only the ones worth a heart like yours.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any words of advice and/or encouragement to help our gorgeous friend Gigi to let go of this and move on? Share them with us below in the comments!
PS: If you're wondering why he's pulling away, getting distant, or why he disappeared on you, and what you can do about it, check out my program "Why Men Pull Away." You'll be glad you did!
Brigette says
Gigi dear I feel your pain. I am sure you were checking your phone everyday to see if he would call or text. The truth is this guy is not interested. If a guy wants you he will want to spend time with you. This guy is a complete loser. Get rid of him. Tell him you met someone. It will hurt like hell but cut him off he will having you like a yo-yo. A moment of high when he contacts you and extreme moments of lows when he doesn't. Only when you give him up you will leave room and be open to the person who truly loves you. Stop investing on dead ground. In the end you will be broken and an emotional wreck. You also need time to reflect. Why are you holding on to junk. Love yourself enough to let go. There are too many STD's out there to be playing russian roulette. He is not worth it! Choose to Love Gigi for the Awesome Beautiful Amazing Wondeeful person that she is. Someday the right guy will come along who values and appreciates every bit of you. Hugs Brigette 🙂
Jasmine says
Im sorry to hear that gigi. I'm in a smilar situation.
I have known my friend for more than 3 years. he pursued me in the beginning even though I was in a relationship to the point where I had to block him. few months after I broke up with my boyfriend he contacted me again and we would call and text every day and became really close ( long distance). one night he told me he's so conflicted cuz he loves me but doesn't trust me and is insecure. 2 weeks later he was in a relationship. I got so mad at him that I told him never to contact me. he was so upset and kept apologizing. a month later he called to say he's not sure about the relationship and that maybe he and I had a shot. but he still kept seeing her so I cut off all forms of communications with him. 2 months later he contacted me again. he asked me how I was and wanted to take me out for lunch. by this time I was over him and I accepted his invitation. he told me it wasn't working out with the other girl. we stayed friends for a few more months then one night we were both drunk and we had sex and he stayed over and cuddled. he called me up the next 2 days but when I asked him ifvit meant anything, he said he was confused and that he's not ready for a relationship. 2 weeks later he called again and I told him to give me some space cuz I wanted more. he got upset again and told me that he keeps thinking about that night. but he was still not ready for a relationship so he agreeded to give me space and that he respected my decision. but he also reminded me I was the one who pushed him away in the beginning. p. s I was in a relationship and he would call me at odd hours and bugged me throughout so I had to ignore him and block him. but I apologized long time back and I thought we were over that. I met him again at a mutual friend s bday party and he immediately called me and even brought an architect to help me with my new house. He's still updating me about the plans and calls me once a week. I don't understand why he would do this if he didn't love me.
Sorry for such a long post. But I'm in such a dilemma.
Aggie says
OH GiGi do NOT fall for that trap or his pack of lies!!!! sweetie I have been there!!! He's trying to use you and get you into bed only to meet his sexual needs... Because the chemistry was great between the two of you in the past .!!! It's just sex... NOT love....at the end of the day he doesn't want anything serious or real with you. If he did, he would be in constant contact with you .. telling you how much he cares and wants to be with you! Plain and simple, he wants a booty call. I've been there done that. I've given into the temptation before of reuniting with an ex thinking the hot sex and good conversation after would bring us together as a couple. At the end of the day that's all it was ...great sex. We women tend to think differently. It's more like an emotional bond for us... Making love... To a player its, just F***ing plain and simple... You deserve way more than that! Stick to your guns! Don't let him use you! Make certain he wants a loving relationship with you... And the only way to find out it's not to give into the temptation to have sex with him when he snaps his fingers! Hold ur head high and DEMAND respect!
Alia says
Hi Gigi,
Any woman with blood in their veins totally understands the roller coaster of emotions you are going through right now. Can understand how after feeling total rejection you heart began to race when he texted you.
Before you do anything think long and hard. Might be a good idea to go and stay at a friend's house your parents house or anything to give you time to really look at the facts., avoid the temptation to run to his arms.
What are you looking for right now at this time in your life? Is it just casual sex?
I don't think so because otherwise you would have been fine that he was seeing two women at the same time. Casual is casual you can't have expectations of exclusivity and commitment.
Secondly what have you learned about his character ?
Is he honest/ truthful, caring, is he dangerous does he really give a damn about you?
In today's world of sexually transmitted diseases to be sleeping with more than one person at a time is dangerous and callous where was his concern for your sexual health/protection or hers for that matter when he did not even disclose that.
His going silent for 3 weeks shows that he didn't care about your feelings or how you may have been hurt. Did he call to check on you.
Would you really want to invest your precious time and love with this spineless creature, to get in deeper so he can hurt you more.
NOooooooooooooo. Tell him you've been so busy. Then block his number. If you can't be objective for yourself. Look at it as if your best friend was telling you she was dating this guy. Would you tell her yes he
sounds fantastic.
Remember the wonderful saying "Do not make someone a priority when for them you are only an option." He's using you like an on call girl. The "relief" staff. If the regular employee can't make it you are called into fill a gap. In his mind there is no harm everyone is an adult.
But that's an excuse the one with feelings is hurt the one who wants more who wants a relationship is always hurt.
Best of luck Gigi, you are in my prayers that you will choose what is best for you
A
Desertlily says
Gigi, I have been on your side of the text. Men are very different, he sent you that text because at one time you responded to that text..he was hoping you would again and his needs would be met. I know it's hard to accept that he may just have wanted that from you. Regardless if he is seeing the other woman you don't want to be his sex alternantive. If he did not choose to be with you then don't be his sexual alternantive! You are worth more than this...he is fishing to see if you will bite but just for his convenience. I know it makes it easier if you think he is not sleeping with her it hurts less...but don't live in the fantasy world. You deserve someone that wants all of you. Write him a letterrible telling him how you feel and burn it. You are worth it. It hurts to move on but you will be ok. You will get through this!
GiGi says
Hi everyone. GiGi here.
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Every reply was received with love and gratitude.
Guess what? I got a text from him yesterday morning. Made my heart race. I waited a few minutes before reading it. It said, " I woke up horny this morning." I knew he wanted me to engage in this conversation so he could "jerk off".... I did not want to participate in it, so I tried to keep it light hearted and said, " isn't that an everyday thing?"
Then asked how his job search was going...
He then began the sex talk. I told him that he knew I wanted it and when he wanted all of me to date exclusively to let me know. With a smiley face.
Now the ball is in his court.
The thing is - that's how we even got to know each other- it started with the chemistry and the playful conversations. I don't know if that was his way of reaching out to me or if he just wanted sex only. I guess time will tell.
However.... I am assuming that he must not be sleeping with the other woman.
Which does make me feel better. Or maybe I am living in a fantasy world.
Thank you Jane and everyone for your kind words!
Angel says
I'm sorry, Gigi, but this guy is flat out just using you. He has no regards for your feelings and now he's baiting for sex? I really hope you see this man for who he is pronto and that you move on. Don't let him use you anymore.
Nicki says
I think you should go completely No Contact for at least three months in order to totally dissolve the emotional connection on your part GiGi. As long as you accept contact from him, it will keep you at square one and eventually, you'll find yourself right back in his arms. He's selfish. However, this situation will make you selfish in trying to get what you want by any means necessary when all of the red flags and warnings are at your disposal. If you continue to entertain him, you will fall in love with him which will make it nearly impossible to escape. Take the door of escape that you've been given. He's only reaching out to you to see if you are still available, not out of a real and sincere interest. Run!!!!! ?
Faithful says
Hi Gigi,
You are giving him a lot of the credit of the doubt that he does not deserve and this is why: it is almost guaranteed that that other girl doesn't know about you, and if she does, it is 100% guaranteed that she has no idea you were sleeping together. How do I know this? Think about this: would you continue to date a guy whom you knew was sleeping regularly with another woman?
How decent of a guy can this guy be? Not very. He is not sleeping with this other woman, probably because she won't have sex with him yet, not because he doesn't want to have sex with her (or he wouldn't be dating her if he didn't find her sexually appealing). So because she won't have sex with him, he goes behind her back to have sex with you. And then he feels bad about it---- why? Because the other girl thinks they're exclusive and he led her on to believe this. So he either two timed her in the worst possible way (imagine if the tables were turned and he thought you two were exclusive, you weren't sleeping with him, and you found out he's been sleeping with someone else while dating you for months...) or he two-timed you. What makes it two-timing? His feeling of loyalty to her while physically breaching that loyalty with you.
This is a very bad man. This is the kind of guy who cheats in marriage. A man with character wouldn't have let a situation like this happen, and the moment it started going there, showing honor to you and to the other girl, he would have stopped it. Just because a guy can get sex doesn't mean he should take it. Men do not "need" intercourse with a woman, he can always masterbate. A man without self control is a very dangerous man indeed.
If he somehow changed his mind and decided he wanted to be with you, even if you two married, you would wonder for the rest of your life if he is cheating on you. That is a heavy burden to carry.
Of course you couldn't have known he wasn't considering himself exclusive with you. He took advantage of your faithful and loyal nature to be neither faithful nor loyal. A guy who values loyalty and fidelity deep down would never do this to you. It was very deceptive and manipulative and he is not innocent in this regard. The moment he tried to spin it off like this is the moment you can know he has a problem with truth telling.
His text sounds like typical booth call, btw. Straight up booty call.
Just me says
I need to understand something though: so you go on a few dates with someone new, you get close and he wants sex, you say no, you keep on saying no, so eventually he will go find someone else to give him his needs. How do you make him committed this way? how do you even know if there is any chemistry between you? I mean, he can be the sweetest person and the most intelligent in the world but if you don't have any physical chemistry how could you possibly fall in love with him?
I need to understand what will make him exclusive to you if you don't share yourself in every way? and even if he tells you that he is emotionally available to be exclusive with you, what makes you think that he will be exclusive after you have sex with him? yes I know that men are the hunters and the more resistance you give the more they want you, but how do you know when is the right time to give in and have sex with him?
Selu says
I am still recovering from a similar situation and I can tell you that it will get better with time. It is painful but the starting point is to accept that this guy didn't choose you so he doesn't deserve you, you deserve better. The problem with us women is that we invest too much emotionally in a person before they make up their minds.
anonymous says
Awww I Just went through the same situation as you did GIGi.. I know exactly how you feel. It's like a shock to your system when you thought you had something special and real with someone when all the while the person you were with had eyes elsewhere. It hurts and it cuts like a knife in yr soul. In my situation everything was totally perfect. And then one day without warning he went silent. A few days later I asked him what's going on, he said he needed space from us for a couple of weeks when just a few days earlier we were together and so happy. So, The day after he announced on Facebook he was in a relationship with somebody. And it sure wasn't me! This happened after a few months of being with him! I can't begin to tell you the shock and pain I felt at that moment. But like everybody is saying on this feed, a big lesson is learned here. NEVER give yourself physically until he is first emotionally committed. That's the biggest lesson I've learned here. Even so, you still stand the risk of the guy walking. There's no guarantees with love and romance. It's always a risk. But generally speaking, it's always wise to wait a little longer before getting intimate too soon. The only thing that is helped me heal from this, is realizing my self-worth is more valuable than having him in my life and this was a lesson I had to learn the hard way. I've known him for a few years and in between relationships we always found ourselves back to each other, but no more. Never again! The door has been slammed shut. My closure and my karma is moving on with my life and realizing my worth and value is indispensable and he is so undeserving of it and will NEVER have me in his life again! all the best you GiGi ...With each passing day you'll get through this and start to feel better again! Take it one day at a time. And you will see things will start to cone together in your life.
Deb says
Oh Gigi,
It read like it was my story to a T! I am just letting go of a very similar situation. He told me the exact same things, as if they were practicing from the same manual. Except I would take him back... for 2 years, back and forth after all these other women 'he didn't see it working out long term'. I finally said good-bye. But what I discovered was worth so much more, MYSELF and myself worth! I am thankful for this relationship. It helped mold me and teach me unconditional love and to value myself and what I'm deserving of. Like Jane says, if it wasn't for these relationships along the way to the right one, we would t discover what we do want in a partner. It is and has been very painful for me as well. He's under my skin, but thankfully I have beautiful friends thank continue to lift me up and help carry me thru the rough patches when I need carrying. Hang in there. Reach out to your friends and family. But most importantly, continue to Love! Because you did nothing wrong and he could not handle you. Look at him as if he's ill and needs guidance himself. He has the issues. Much Love ❤️
Helen says
My heart goes out to you because right now i am 8 month into trying to forget him. I have loved him for 4 1/2 years and he dropped me one day like a hot potatoe. My mind is telling me let him go but my heart is missing him. I have not spoken to him in 8 month and there are good days and bad days. I pray for me and I pray for him. At the end I have to go on forget about him because he is not worth the breath talking about him. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you let it go...just let it go you better off without him. Keep your head up pray and be strong
Susanna says
Hand in there, Gigi. I have just gone through the same sort of thing with a very selfish and manipulative man who was not seeing anyone else but did not want to commit to me as he wanted to be single. But he kept coming around and saying the most powerful and beautiful things about me. I know how you feel. You will recover from the mind game. You deserve the absolute best so next time I think you and I will wait to attach physically until we know he is attached emotionally. I am also working on being certain that someone is fully emotionally available before I invest any time at all. This will suss out the time wasters and users, and waiting to have sex will eliminate the players. You are in my prayers. Breathe, lean on your friends, eat right and exercise. You will heal. You will love again. Let's make safer choices to protect ourselves! Xoxo
Anna says
Oh, I'm so sorry for you Gigi! That hurts and I think we can all relate...
Don't judge yourself, you did the best you could with the information you had at the time.
In my opinion, if he was on the same page as you it would not have mattered if you slept with him on the first or the 10th date, it would not have changed a thing.
There's someone out there who you are enough for! Just the way you are.
Big hugs!
Lori says
I read this simple reminder and thought it may be appropriate. "Embrace the pain of letting go of that which is not good for you. Step into it. You are stronger than the pain. You can survive and you will thrive again. "
Nett says
I can feel for you reading your letter. You were so excited to have met a man like him so you jump quickly into the next steps of being intimate with him. Been there, done that. Like Jane says in her response, once a woman starts sleeping with a man it's mind altering and we get attached. I learned my lesson to wait until I get that commitment before giving myself away. If you don't, you'll always wonder if he Is still dating or sleeping with other woman and we all deserve better than that. I really hope that you invest the time into taking Jane's online course. It was a really eye opening experience for me. Even today, I go back and listen to her sessions. I'm sure it will help you too.
Angel says
Reading this letter hurt so much. While reading it, I put myself in her shoes and oh God, the feels.
Gigi, I hope you can feel much better soon and that you gain the clarity you need to see this person clearly. Right now because of the pain I can understand why you can't see him for who he is. But you will. Take it one day at a time and ask yourself why you're think you can make someone choose you.
Hugs to you.