Our beautiful friend, Ashley, is concerned that having sex on the first date with a guy she's crazy about may have ruined her chances for a real, long lasting relationship with him.
Here's her story:
Long story short, I am crazy about this guy I've been seeing for a week and half. lol.
He lives and hour and half away.
I met him at a DJ class he was teaching a few months ago. He gave me his business card and I emailed him about DJ stuff. He responded then I heard nothing from him until 2 weeks ago.
He invited me to go to a DJ cafe with him in his town. So I went we hit it off, he was a gentleman and paid for everything.
We ended up having sex that night.
And we've been texting ever since. He texts me good morning and text throughout the day. He came to my town to celebrate my birthday with me on Saturday.
I know it's kind of soon, but I want more out of this relationship, I want him to be my boyfriend. It hasn't even been a full 2 weeks yet though, and I'm nervous that having a sexual relationship with him so soon ruined my chance.
What should I do?
Oh, the never short story of sex on the first date.
This is one that comes up so often. Mostly, with regret.
There's nothing quite like the regret we experience with this giving of our bodies like this. For rarely is it just our bodies, but our hearts and souls as well.
Even if it's only the first date.
We can go there to the place of "the one" and "fate" and "meant to be" and even "happily ever after" before we even really know this person that we've just given so much of ourselves away to. We can get so caught up in the heat of the moment, even if we have a plan, even if we prepped ourselves with the determination that we were really going to stick with that plan.
Crazy about him.
I so hear you on this one, Ashley. You're not alone here.
There's just something about him, isn't there? That energy. That vibe. That feeling that you just have even if it's nothing you can explain.
But what do you actually know about him?
Is he kind?
Is he compassionate?
Does he have the character of someone who you want to be with? What if you got pregnant out of this first date interaction? I know we never like to go there, but it's important that you do. And of course, most importantly, is he worthy of you?
Ask yourself why exactly you're crazy about him.
Is it about the things that are going to really matter in the long run?
Yes, sex absolutely matters. You want to be attracted to someone who you're with. But there's a huge difference between being attracted to someone because you feel an energy, a spark, between the two of you that is solely based on lust, and a real kind of attraction that comes from getting to know someone well enough to know that you're on the same page, that you want the same thing – with each other, and that you're both in this for the same reasons.
That you can respect him. That there's enough of what's real than what's simply the romantic idea of him in your mind.
Deep, I know.
It's not what we're usually thinking when we find ourselves in that heat of the moment.
Because after all, we can. We earned that right with the whole woman's lib movement and feminism that occurred in a forgotten time and place from where you are today, where now it's become the norm to sleep with someone whenever you want to.
But can you? That's the real question.
Because as much as we always think we can, we usually can't. Or at least not very well. Not without over thinking, not without second-guessing, not without asking the very questions that you're asking here.
Does it send a message when you sleep with someone on the first date?
Yes. It absolutely does.
There's a chance that it may be the message you want it to be – that you're an evolved woman who enjoys sex and doesn't feel the need to beat around the bush or wait with something that you're both feeling in that moment.
But more likely it's the message that he doesn't have to show you more of who he is and what he's about or prove himself worthy of you before you'll sleep with him. And that really lets him off the hook easy.
He's wired to prove why you should choose him. He's wired to have to do the work to win you over. He wants to know you're not willing to give yourself like this to just anyone. Because he knows you don't really know him that well yet either.
I know it's a double standard in our culture. And no, it's not fair. Where men can get away with this kind of behavior and women simply can't.
But it's more than just our culture. It's within us as well. Because emotionally, mentally, physically we're affected as well. When we have sex it affects us, bonds us, attaches us to him before we know who it really is that we're attaching ourselves to.
But there's something else that's equally as important here.
Not beating yourself up.
Not shaming yourself for what you've already done that can't be changed.
This is such a delicate subject to address because if you haven't already, I want to send out the message loud and clear that you should always behave like a woman who knows so clearly her own worth that she wouldn't consider being intimate with someone who she doesn't know well enough to know that he's on the same page as her and is giving her the commitment that she's looking for.
But the reality is that we usually don't get that until we learn that. This one we almost always have to learn the hard way. Through living it ourselves. By seeing how he disappears, how he pulls back, how things change.
But don't be afraid of that. If it happens, be grateful because then at least you'll know what's real, and what's not.
At this point you have two options.
You can move forward with the relationship as it is now, knowing that he's going to assume there's going to continue to be the same level of intimacy between the two of you.
Or, you can let him know that you have regrets about what happened (if, in fact, you do), that you got caught up in the moment, but now you want to take a step back and get to know him better before being intimate again.
Do whatever you need to do to remember that you're the prize. That you're the one who's worthy. And more than anything else, remind yourself that you don't even know him well enough to know if he's all that. Or if he's even deserving of all that you are and all that you have to offer him. Or if his qualities are even the ones you're looking for. Or if what he has to offer you is even what you really want in any relationship that you're a part of.
Regardless of what you choose to do, take a step back within yourself. Regroup. Get your focus back on you.
What's done is done. There is no one size fits all answer. It's really about what you're feeling, about what you're comfortable with and being honest with yourself. The fact that you're writing to me in the first place sounds like you've got some doubts here. Let your own comfort level be your guide. Some guys will care. Some guys won't. And since you don't know which one yours is, doing what you can live with is what matters more than anything else.
No shame. No regret. Just learning more about navigating relationships and remembering your worth in the midst of those heated moments where all you can think of is what you're feeling right then.
You'll know what page he's on soon enough. You'll know if he wants more than one thing by his actions. Don't go putting him on that pedestal, because then you've given him the power to reject you. He hasn't earned that right.
Try to keep your dates public, don't go back to each other's houses. Too tempting.
Yes, I know this may seem extreme. But we're talking about your beautiful heart and soul here, Ashley. And until you've had a chance to see what he's really made of, until he's proven his worth to you, you've got to slow things down enough so you can see him for the reality of who he is and not for what you feel he's going to be.
And that takes time.
You're human, Ashley. Allow yourself to be one. Regardless of what you do or don't do, remember that you only want to be with someone who wants what you want and wants to be with you. He's human, too.
I hope this helps.
What do you think our beautiful friend Ashley should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!