There's a reason you chose him.
Because, after all, you can choose anyone you want. You know what you want. You know what you don't. And out of all the men you could have picked, you chose him.
Not just any him. Him.
There's something about him that's so strong, yet so sensitive. So confident on the one hand, and yet so vulnerable on the other. He's the quintessential type of all the types you've ever been so attracted to; because after all, it's no accident that he started out every bit as attracted to you.
That's why you're here, isn't it?
You want your own answers. You want to know why. The labels your friends and family and everyone else give him don't quite fit him. It's not that simple, not that straightforward as he's just not into you.
You know it.
And if he was capable of admitting it to himself, so does he.
You know you saw something real in him. You know you sensed something that was actually there; there's no way you could have only imagined it.
Because somewhere underneath this man that you find yourself hardly recognizing now, you can still catch a glimpse of what's been there all along. A heart that's full of love. A hand that wants to be held. A potential that wants to be fulfilled.
Oh you see him, all right. The real him. And it scares him to his core. The very thing that attracts him to you and makes you perfect for him, is the same thing that won't let him commit to you.
It's so ironic that he's not lying when he tells you you're the best thing that ever happened to him, but he might not be capable of holding onto you. Not because you don't want him to. But because he can't.
It's why you've never been able to accept the pat answers you've been given about him. It's why you just always know there's so much more to him – and to the two of you – than what everyone else simplifies it down to.
It's why you just can't move on without an afterthought. It's why you overthink so much of this.
He's triggered every part of you that longs to be enough, and ties your worth to him.
Why can't I be enough for him? Why can't he see what I have to offer him?
Oh he does, Beautiful. More than you know.
He feels it on the deepest level he's ever allowed himself to feel anything before. He knows all you have to offer him. He knows everything you're capable of giving him. He knows just how amazing the two of you could be if he could hold up his end of the bargain the same way you can hold up yours. But he knows deep down inside that he can't.
You can know all this. You can make peace with it, with him, with yourself. But at the end of the day, there's only one thing that matters with all of this. What you do with it.
There's only one thing to do.
Accept who he is. Accept who you are. You've pretended long enough that you can do this, that you can accept his terms that are the only ones he's comfortable living with right now. This is where the disconnect comes in because they're his terms, not yours.
Accept that. Clarify your own terms if you need to, and then accept yours as your own. You have every right to have your own.
And then give him the one thing that will be the only shot you have at turning this around: space.
It's your only chance to let him get his head around what's going on here, that's taken him completely by surprise. This is his time for growth. His opportunity to go where he's never gone before.
Maybe he can and maybe he can't. Only time will tell.
But what you're not going to do this time, is to spend all of your own time waiting for him to come around.
It's one thing to hold onto that shred of hope (can we ever really not have that hope?) but it's an entirely different thing to live for that. To put so much of your time and energy and thinking about that hope that you miss the whole point of this exercise.
You mean there's a point? Yes, it's the most important part of all of this that we usually miss because we're so focused on him. Because it's not only his opportunity for growth, it's also our own.
You know these feelings he's brought up in you? That you're not enough? That you have to prove your worth to him to keep him? That you have to convince him why he should choose you?
This is your lesson. Discover the you you've never known.
Find out who she is. Find out what she can do. Find out what she's capable of. She's going to surprise you if you give her half the chance to.
See why you're so perfect for him? You show him a kind of love he only dreams of. After all, it's the only kind you know.
This is you, Beautiful. All you. Stand in your beautiful, confident, radiant power and own this loving, caring, giving kind of love that offers so much to someone capable of holding this kind of love in his own heart.
With the one who's truly right for you, he sees this. He gets it. Or he rises to it. You can't miss him if he's got this in him!
But don't despair if this one you've placed so much hope in isn't capable of being that one. You can't make him get there. You can't make him cross the bridges he needs to cross to get there.
Don't judge your worth by whether or not he can make that crossing.
Hi Jane
I have a relationshiip i cant figure out..He said he wanted this relationship..He had me move into his home. The first 3 months was the happiest i have been in years then it all went south...he has nothing good to say to me or about me...he blames me for everything...when i go to leave he changes..telling me how he wants me there..that is good for a few days then we are right back to the negatives...I love him with all my heart...he says he loves me...we have been together a year and a month now...he has never let me hug..kiss..or touch him in any way this whole time...he dont show any affection towards me and i am not allowed to show him any either...what went wrong after our first 3 months..what did i do so wrong..this is tearing me apart inside
Thanks
Marlene
Nothing, Marlene. Except to become emotionally and physically attached too soon before he proved he was worthy of you! It's the 3/4 month timeframe that always reveals the man you're with!
Hi Jane,
Your videos have been so helpful. I just watched the how to not attract emotionally unavailable men which had some great points. However, I'm wondering how exactly I can stop attracting these types. The video touched on why they pull away and what attracted in first place but not how to initially attract them. Do I need to work on my self-worth more or is it a matter of insecurity? Is this why this happens and why I seem to attract men like this?
Thanks much,
Kim
So glad these are resonating with you, Kim. The single most important thing to do is to resist the urge to jump in when you feel that amazing connection. These men are amazing for a reason. The feeling you get when you meet him - and when you're with him - is incredible for a reason. It's because it's all about the chase, the beginning, and he knows from his own history the chance of him sustaining that kind of connection with you over the long-term is also incredible - incredibly unlikely. So if you can slow it down in the beginning to make sure you take your time to get to know someone well enough before you jump in with both feet, you're most of the way there. And of course, the more you change your own mindset about what you think you should be looking for to what you actually are looking for, the more you'll attract someone who reflects that reality instead of the idea of who you "should" be with. Hope that helps!
"Because it's not only his opportunity for growth, it's also our own."
"He feels it on the deepest level he's ever allowed himself to feel anything before. He knows all you have to offer him. He knows everything you're capable of giving him. He knows just how amazing the two of you could be if he could hold up his end of the bargain the same way you can hold up yours. But he knows deep down inside that he can't."
"But don't despair if this one you've placed so much hope in isn't capable of being that one. You can't make him get there. You can't make him cross the bridges he needs to cross to get there.
Don't judge your worth by whether or not he can make that crossing."
Two weeks ago, in the setting of a large group of people, I saw the man who pursued my attention for three years but when I opened my heart and responded to his attention, he had backed away, come back, backed away, come back, backed away, and I had lost my peace of mind. Two weeks ago he was alone in the crowd, as usual. He didn't acknowledge my presence. He looked guarded, closed. It is immense progress for me that what I felt two weeks ago was mostly relief and freedom. I no longer see him as mysterious and attractive. I understand that what I am seeing is emotional unavailability. That tiny bit of hope remains that he will cross the bridge but through learning from Jane's experiences and from the experiences of the women in this healing community, I have not put my life on hold for him as I did for 42 years with my first love because I thought that was how to show love and get the love I hoped for.
I am free, and my heart is open.
What I have learned here has also helped me make the decision to let go of my subcontractor position as a medical transcription editor. That work relationship was too much like an unhealthy relationship with a man. What had started as a good way to supplement my Social Security income had turned into being on call (with no pay) for 48 or more hours a week and making very little money when there was work. I had been telling myself that there is no other work that I can do, and that I am lucky to have any income at all in addition to my Social Security check. That sure sounds like an unhealthy relationship, doesn't it? I can use the tools for finding true love as I seek a healthy way to supplement my Social Security income. It is all about knowing myself and knowing my worth. And knowing that I can live on my Social Security check in dignity, while being open to additional income.
There are so many opportunities for growth for us all!
I feel so much gratitude for this article that I am overwhelmed as to how to express it. It has healed me in a profound way and allowed me to hold my head high again.
Sincerest thank yous!!!
For the first time it felt as if someone is understanding how I feel... as if this was written just for me...
Someone does, Michelle, more than you know! So glad this resonated so much with you. Never, ever alone!
Oh my! This article just healed my soul! Your words, Jane, are a blessing to us all. One...it lets me know I'm not alone. Two...it validates all that I've been saying about my situation. One that has consumed me and overwhelmed me to the point of depression. I come here and I get to read your articles and help other women who are going through a similar situation, and it's been the best site on the Internet for those of us really trying to find real love. Thank you for this Jane. I'm going to read this again, for the 5th time.
So glad this resonated so much with you, Wise Chick. And thank you for your oh so kind words! I'm so glad you're here - you offer so much to so many others walking in your shoes from your own beautiful words. For the 5th time, or the 50th time, when we're ready to hear it, it sticks. 🙂
Yes Jane, for me, I must keep reading ... am absorbing everything said by you in your emails and then, the comments and replies.
Today, I DID make a stance for ME in a relationship .. or what I really truly did believe was "some" kind of relationship ...... from my eyes, my view. Way too much to fully explain any details (past short period end of Jan this year to now) that has brought me to today. The point is I did make a decision ... realizing 100% I may be wrong ... it was still a decision I knew I just had to make for ME .... right or wrong ... .. only time will tell.
I just would like to share with you two (2) only of many quotes that TODAY totally hit home for me. Yes, I did use both in a lengthy email to him ...
Both may have been heard before by some ... both are worth repeating ... it applies to both me ... anyone .. no matter the gender - woman - man - or ?
"A friend is a treasure who loves you as you are, sees not only who you are but who you can become, is there to catch you when you fall, shares your everyday experiences, accepts your worst but helps you become your best, understand your past, believe in your future, accepts you today just as you are, and comes in when the whole world has gone out." ~ Unknown
"You will always attract a person who is on your level of health " ~ Debra Fileta
And with this particular one ... Ms Fileta explains her statement ... "Human beings are magnetic, and we're always drawn to people who are similar to us psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. Look inward and deal with your past, discover your present, and envision your future. In your process of becoming whole, seek healing now, while you're standing alone."
Today, both resonate to the very core of my being.
It's been almost three years since my 9-11 day ... Nov 20/12 ... spanning over 34 years of marriage to one man...ending in a complete crumbling of my entire foundation.... and..... 23 years of earlier "mini" 9-11's ... each one slowly, blind-siding me, bit by bit chipping, eroding me deeper and deeper within .. a living death, "dead woman walking" ...
I hope I have spoken clearly enough to be understood. I do not say ANY of this to seek pity, sorrow, sadness from anyone. It is only to share with you and others who have walked before me ... with me ... seen and unseen ... known and unknown. That is all. Hope .. strength ... to pick myself back up one more time .. brush myself off ... take a deep breath .. stand up straight .. focus my eyes, my ears, my smell, my taste, my touch, my heart, my inner self .... straight ahead .. take one more deep breath .. sloowly breath out .. close my eyes ... take one look up to Him ... and go .. straight ahead .. one step .. on moment at a time. Yes, even with the knowledge that up ahead, another one may be there. It's okay ... "A friend is a treasure who loves you as you are, sees not only who you are but who can become, is there to catch you when you fall, shares your everyday experiences, accepts your worst, but helps you become your best, understands your past, believes in your future, accepts you today just as you are, and comes in when the whole world has gone out. " ~ Unknown
Thank you.
S(zmistsc)
Thank you for sharing these quotes, S. They are beautiful reminders we can all use along the way. 🙂 It's in the sharing of what we ourselves have learned that we give another the hope that they, too, will find their way.
Jane, I cannot believe what I've just read. It's as if you were speaking directly to me after I shared my current thoughts. Everything you mentioned is EXACTLY what keeps playing like a broken recored in my mind. I feel what he feels for me, the contrast between his actions led me to ask the very same questions. Reading this piece and now having a label(" Emotionally Unavailable")helps me to understand my situation isn't unique. That because I DO know what I want and need, is the very reason why that relationship didn't/will not work out. Not until he works on himself and his emotions/feelings. Which may never happen simply because he doesn't even realize it's an issue in the first place or doesn't want to admit it. I think my pain comes from the hoping that one day he will come around. What I didn't realize until now is that HOPE is the reason I have yet to move on. That hope has me waiting for something that may never happen at all. Thanks for sharing. I've just experienced a "light bulb moment." I feel very encouraged and strong.
I'm so glad this gave you that "light bulb moment", Mechi. There's nothing wrong with having hope; it's who you're placing that hope on that makes all the difference. Be so encouraged and strong for having the courage to see this for yourself. This is just the beginning!
Jane, your messages always help me find peace when I'm troubled. I cut off my ex completely last week because he was not on the same page as I. But I still have a slight hope within me that some day he would come around and we would be on the same page. So yesterday I was having a constant fight within me because on one hand I wanted him to come back but on the other I felt guilty for having such hope. But after reading this article I realised that it's not possible to give up all hope all of a sudden.
"It's one thing to hold onto that shred of hope (can we ever really not have that hope?) but it's an entirely different thing to live for that. To put so much of your time and energy and thinking about that hope that you miss the whole point of this exercise."
This made me realise that it's not important whether I'm still hoping for him to come back or not. What is important is that I'm no longer living my life based on that hope. Now I'm living my life on my own terms and I'm happy. Whether he comes around or not is his choice and I know that whatever happens it will be for the best.
Right!!!!
Yuri, thank you for sharing your story. I rally needed to hear the last words you wrote. Thank you!!
Dear Jane,
What about this story of a friend of mine, let’s call her Carla. After a breakup she had a conversation with a man who made it clear to her that he wanted only to remain friends, but he left a small ambiguity whether or not he still wanted to see/date her. As for her, she told him clearly that friendship was not enough for her. And now, one month later, all he managed to do, is sending her an invitation to re-like his professional page on facebook (the same page that she previously unliked right after the break-up). Now she is nervous , confused and is wondering whether she should answer this invitation. In one hand, she was expecting something more direct from him and not just this “friendly” gesture. She was expecting him to contact her to tell her that he changed his mind. But, by not answering his invitation, she doesn’t want him to think that she is rejecting him and not giving a chance for dialogue in case he wanted to tell her something important.
In the same time, she is afraid that, by answering this invitation, she will be disappointed again and discover that the purpose of the invitation was only to make a simple friendship gesture. She doesn’t want to have her heart broken twice.
Jane, what do you advise her to do? Honetly, Jane, this man is supposed to know exactly what it takes to give her what she wants. And is he is supposed to know, that, considering what she said about wanting a full relationship, this “invitation” is not enough to prove that he changed his mind and that he wanted to contact her again on different basis. And that if he really wanted to say something, he would have said it in a clear message. Please can you advise me and her? Thank you Jane, for being here for us, always.
Jane just got an email about emotionally unavailable men. I think it would be interesting to do a experiment on women who had families that did not love them and how they pick men.
I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting on why I continue to choose unavailable men who turn into "projects"- thinking my love can save them. And after a lunch with my dad, with that same sense of longing and yearning, I realized that's the source. My dad is distant and aloof in blaring contrast to my "heart on my sleeve", openness and sensitivity. I joke (but not really) that even if I were President, he still wouldn't boost me. And my mom is needy and self-involved and only excited when I focus on her and analyze her dilemmas. Hello? How familiar this is so no wonder I choose love in this way! With many tears and heavy grief, I'm facing this and trying to move on with clarity and strength.
Exactly, Lynn. "Hello?" You've just described the majority of the women on here - and the men as well. You're not alone. I've no doubt your words resonated with just that many of us. That you said you "choose" love in this way is the new part. Now that you can see it's a choice, you can consciously begin to choose something different.
And telling, Donna!
Oh it is a direct correlation for sure. I know that by my own life experiences. I lived in a household filled with love and abundance, but also one that was physically abusive. My father beat my mother for years, he was in and out of our home, he was mean, abused alcohol, and my mother stayed and fought with him. Yet, both of them loved us, supported us and were always there.
My mother made it clear that she loved my much older sister more than she did me, and even my father jokes about it. He never gets in the middle because he does not want to get himself in trouble or appear to be out of her good graces.
I ran away several times to escape the weight of what was going on inside of my house. I felt really trapped and alone much of my childhood. I couldn't wait to start college just so I could have an excuse to get away.
I ate alot, gained lots of weight, and that caused problems in school, so I further retreated from social situations.
I've made some progress as an adult, but I still deal with the fact that my mother still continues to choose my sister over me. She even made a comment saying she valued her life more than mine .
No matter what I did, I found myself always trying to prove myself to my mother. I was a good kid, I stayed in the house, studied all the time, I was super smart, I stayed out of trouble, yet somehow, that wasn't good enough. Of course there were times when she was supportive, she took me shopping, she helped me with my homework and was very active in my life, there was some real damage done and now as an adult I'm so dealing with it.
She wasn't very affectionate, never expressed emotions besides anger, always found the negative in things, never showed me how to express love, never made me feel like she'd ever put me first, pushed me away a lot, and sadly, I end up dating men that are a toxic mix of both of my parents.
I find myself trying to prove myself despite how great I am, I'm always in second, third, fourth slot in their lives and I accept it like that's OK. I'm always put off by too much affection, I'm attracted to the alpha male, cocky, manly guys who end up really being womanizing jerks who make me feel bad, abandon me for women who can't hold a candle to me, and I always fall for the guys who really never express emotions that well. I am myself emotionally unavailable so I know that's why I keep getting them.
Right now, I'm working on myself. I'm thinking of seeking some real help on this, professionally.
We can blame the men, but at some point, we have to take responsiblity for choosing them. These men don't have the power, we do. We don't have control over who is physically attracted to us and who loves and does not love us, but we have the power to decide who we allow in and out of our lives, and in and out of our thoughts. I'm taking my life and power back.
I'm not going to work to prove anything to anyone anymore. My family's issues are theirs, not mine. These men, their issues are not mine. Even my friends, I can't take on everyone elses issues and problems. I have future children to raise and I want to make sure I don't pass down this dysfunction to them. They don't deserve it.
This was beautiful. Bless you. Way to turn your life around!!
the problem is ,I am kind of same situation ,I hold on on something ,I should let go ,I try so hard ,doing everything ,loving him ,100%there for him ,we broke up after 4 years ,now he's back but he wants to move again ,he's not happy ,I don't know what to do anymore ,I did everything ,he just dosnt want to commit ,I will be 40 soon ,have no kids ,I want a man who is willing to give me that ,but I love him
Know that this isn't about you, Ani. This is his work that you can't do for him. Look at what exactly it is that you love about him. Is it enough?
For 2 years I have lived with a sense of longing and compromise. I thought my heart was open and ready for love but I realize how I was conflicted inside and still not ready to be vulnerable. I gave and gave thinking that was the answer now realizing I was "buying" his attention. Takers groom givers with kind words, knowing what buttons are out there to be pushed to get what they want. I opened my home to him which was supposed to be "temporary" and ended up being 7 months with no financial help. Why didn't I see the opportunistic quality of him and immaturity when a 65 year old man lives with his parents to "care" for them? Even worse, he was on dating sites and taking their calls in my bedroom! I refuse to be a victim and have learned a valuable lesson. I can stand tall for being open and sharing my home and heart. I'm ready for reciprocial love but will also approach with caution- be open and giving but wait for them to act and not just talk.
Stand tall, Lynn. Someone who's on the same page as you and truly right for you, will be capable of seeing your beautiful open heart as the true treasure it is.
the message is so inspiring,i love it.feels like you are talking to me
I'm so glad, Elizabeth. Thank you.
Wow! I have to say, I must be onto something since this doesn't resonate so much with me anymore. I'm surprised to find a slight detachment from this story, when not long ago this was and had been the story of my life.
I was listening to a song that I've always loved. "Rinse" by Vanessa Carlton. Every word she sang about what she'd do and feel resonated so much with that story. But today, when I listen to the song, the two sentences that were meant to resonate all along from that song just do. They didn't before. "She can't hold anybody this way" "Everything happens for reasons that she will never understand, till she knows that the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man". I finally got it. Little by little getting there. I hope every one of us finally gets there, when this is just a distant memory and we feel much better about ourselves.
That's the two steps forward part, Angel. Look back and see how far you've come. You're seeing this!
LC, I read your comment and I can see myself in your mirror, it happened exactly like that to me, I was his world, I called him today to try to give one more chance to us, but he voice was so cold and his heart so hard, he is now dating someone "officially".. But I got the streinght to say goodbye, I knew it in my bones. That this time was it. I had finally made my choice, and so had he. He let me go. I was relieved, which I expected. What I didn’t expect was to feel so much grief.
This is so true. I have been beating up myself wondering what did I do why he changed, we were so close and then one day, I wasn't his world anymore. We were not officially dating but the closeness of our relationship did not suggest that.
I will not try to find out where or who his interest is in, I just gave him, his space, lots of it too.
There is nothing worse we can do to ourselves than beating ourselves up, wondering what we did wrong, LC. See yourself with love and compassion for being so human; we always do the best we can with what we know at the time and this is never as much about you as it is about him.
WOW. This was so incredibly spot on. I was blown away. Thank you so much. I'm going through this exact thing, and this was timely. I haven't really tied my self-worth to him (I know better), but I also just can't quite give up. It's just who I am. But this was so beautifully written -- if he can't rise to the occasion, I'm coming back to this to read again! Thank you!!
I'm so glad this resonated so much with you, Colleen. Thank you for your kind words. "It's just who I am" - How I hear you. And who you are is always enough for someone who's truly right for you!
Thank you so much for this letter! It really sheds some light to my situation and hopefully I can get him back by me stepping back and just being me.
Brenda
You're so welcome, Brenda. "Just being me" is the only way to know who's right for you - and who isn't.
You are so presise and accurate thanks,im healing and discovering my worth
So glad this resonated with you, Penny. Thank you.
Hi Jane:
As I always state our words are so powerful and I need to share your words sent.
When I read the words you sent took me back to a song and this is not the first time that I listened to the words.
It is the song by Roberta Flack - Killing me softly with his Song.
You depicted my life he strummed my pain with his fingers and all my dark despair.
I just want us to be over with it. I don't understand why he does not come or send someone for his belongings? He has more belongings here there than I do there, mine are only personal, clothing, lotion, toothbrush and a set of clothing. He has here
books, dishes, a portable table, lots of stuff. I contacted him 11 days ago to what he wanted me to do with his belongings and no response.
He got what he asked for and that is not me...
He needs to let me go and not leaving me lingering on!
Thank you bunches.
It's the one foot in the door and one foot out, Catherine. In his own mind this works for him and that's why he chooses to still have his belongings still there. If you're ready to let go, let him know matter of factly that you're going to donate them to charity if they're not picked up by a specific date. You can't make him let you go, but you can absolutely let him go yourself.
Really liked this e-mail, Jane. And, I know it's true that when you're happy with yourself, so many other things fall in place. When I look back over my life, that's when all parts of my environment were the easiest; when I was internally happy. Slowly making headway back to that girl, and your e-mails really do help. Thanks for all your encouragement!
I'm so glad you liked it, Liz. Thank you. And as for that beautiful girl; she's been waiting for you. So glad these are helping you find her!
Well Jane, I loved reading your last post.
It has just come at the right time.
I met a man who I fully connected with. After saying I was the best thing, I think you could be my soul mate, what a different ending I have experienced.
He ended up saying he wanted to see me again and then a couple of days later, he blocked my number.
At the time I was absolutely gutted and still now I think about it.
With my emotions I wrote a song and sang it. I ended up 3 weeks later recording it and sent it to him via a friend.
I haven't heard nothing from him but I felt so empowered by what I had done and to me it was the right thing to do.
The chorus was 'You were the best but now you're the worst'.
I added that line as he was always asking me if he was the best.
I'm not expecting any response back but I know that if its meant to be, it will be.
Thank you
Sarah.
That's exactly how you'll know, Sarah. Let your song be for you, not for him. You got the empowerment out of it, that's what matters more than anything that he does or doesn't do. If he was always asking you "if he was the best", it sounds like he's got some things to work out for himself. You, on the other hand, can know that you are always your own best, regardless of what page someone else happens to be on. So glad this resonated with you!
As I read the post, I begin to see my future. I already begin the step of loving and enjoying my self. I am truly worth that, and if a any man can't see that, it's very much his loss.
"... and if a any man can't see that, it's very much his loss." - It's how you'll know, Shell.
This was me 2 years ago when I dated a guy in Houston. Long distance relationship. He wanted me to wait until his early retirement until we were together. I dated him for 2 years and I was miserable. He wanted the relationship on his terms. I left that relationship. Now I'm dating a good friend from years ago that is local and it's nice. Houston calls all the time and ask me to come back and he misses and loves me. He didn't appreciate me and I had enough. That was the best decision. I would tell my girlfriends when I was hurt and depressed that I want to look back at this and smile that the hurt is gone and today I continue to smile and I appreciate the journey because it was a beautiful lesson learned.
God Bless
Very inspiring lesson Vanessa! I am still attached to my unavailable guy, but I'll move on when I am ready. Guys always underestimate women. We are so patient and caring, but when we are done, "we are done".
So true! Even as you're sharing over and over that that little by little he's killing the love you feel for him and that if things don't change, one day it will finally be "enough." And like Ingrid said, there's no amount of change that matters once you get to "enough."
I asked why he didn't listen to what I was pleading with him about for all those years and why he didn't care when I cared, and his response was "I always thought I had more time."
Beautifully said, Vanessa; thank you for sharing. I'm so happy you've found the love you were looking for - that you deserve!
I really needed to read this today thank you Jane!
This is my non-relationship with my non-boyfriend in a nutshell...getting tired of the non-commitment and wasting my time on this emotionally unavailable man.
When you're ready to see it, it always becomes that much more clear, Lisa. I so hear you.
Wow - again, another eloquent article! I cannot say enough how much your words have helped me change my whole perspective on relationships.
Last summer, after completing your online course and speaking with you in a coaching session, I entered into what would become an 8-month relationship with a really wonderful man. I remembered the entire time that I was the one doing the choosing, and I was open and honest about who I was and what I wanted. He fell hard and fast, telling me he loved me, wanting a future with me, introducing me to his family. But I didn't let him push me, and I never said anything to him about how I felt about him or our relationship unless I absolutely meant it (the potential vs. actual relationship). We had many a conversation about our beliefs and hopes and dreams, and he promised me he was on the same page and wanted the same things. And when I entered into a personal health crisis last fall, he was a constant support, kind and generous to a fault. I needed him in that season of my life.
And then the new year came. He sat me down one night to say that he didn't know what he wanted in his future. He said he did want me, but he didn't know if he wanted kids, and he didn't know if he wanted to grow in his faith, and he didn't know if he could handle the distance (we lived only 40 minutes from each other). I was reeling. But I looked straight at him, reminded him of the promises he made to me, explained that he had a choice to make, and that I never wavered about who I was or what I wanted. He cried, he said he wanted the same things, that he just got scared. And we continued on a rocky road for the next two months.
But he started pulling away. He picked a fight with me on Valentine's Day. He "became" someone totally different than the man I met last year. He started making excuses and passively aggressively "blaming" me for being too busy for us to get together - I'm involved with community theater and was in the middle of a show with rehearsals every night for about 6 weeks. Yes, it hurt. It was happening again, another death of a dream. A man promising me the world and then taking it all back, breaking my trust. I would have to start all over again.
Only this time, it was different. I am different. I sat him down, said this wasn't working for me, explained that if he ever finds himself in another relationship again that he better damn sure know who he is and what he wants so he doesn't take another woman on an emotional roller coaster ride. Did he hear me? I don't know. But it doesn't matter. I said my peace. I made my choice. Of course I care about him and I miss him. But I did not lose myself in him, and I never forgot that I am worth more, so much more.
He's texted me a number of times after that conversation. I texted him back to give me space and time to determine if I can "be friends" with him. And I haven't heard from him since. I've got this! I'm doing the choosing! We can do it, ladies! We are worth it!
Thanks so much, Jane! 🙂
Wow, Beth. I felt every word you wrote here, and celebrated with you when you could let him own what was his and refuse to take on what wasn't yours. Standing in your own beautiful power saying the words that I wish for all of us to say "I'm doing the choosing. I am worth it" You've absolutely got this.
He was there for the season you needed him, and now you are ready for so much more than he could offer you, ready for the one who wants more than a roller coaster ride, but a real relationship that he's capable of having in the first place. This is how they get there. By discovering there's no one left for them willing to settle for what they can't give. One by one, the more we awaken to this part, the more we inspire them to awaken themselves.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Beth, and for the inspiration of seeing you take these small seeds and running with them in the most beautiful light of your own true self. Inspiring, indeed! 🙂
Every post that I read from you it's like you're reading my diary! You've helped me move on from a guy that I had been in a situationship with for over 6 years. I feel embarrassed when I think about how I let me make me feel inadequate and not good enough when I am anything but! Thank you for this site and I wholeheartedly agree with everything that you said in this post.
Never feel embarrassed, Amber. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time. And oh how much we learn along the way. You are anything but!
This was the BEST thing I've seen written that I could follow & hit me square in the heart as to why this is happening to me right now & the angst I feel trying to decide to stay or go... I now see I must go for me, stop thinking about him. I need to love myself more than him.
So glad this resonated with you right where you are, Kelly. "I need to love myself more than him" - So true; there's always a reason you have to choose.
Thank you Jane. I have got so much from your words that have helped my confidence and worthiness. I am doing great, finally. After being with someone for over 6 years and him on the contrary wanting me! But in a controlling, suffocating bullying way, which is not want, it's control. Started off ok, the charmer, then gradually got worse. I loved him, but now see it was just a fairytail. I've had to get tough which isn't easy, but how brave of me to walk away because I want better, for me, whether I'm with someone or not.
It was my childhood, an unloving father, who I've forgiven, he did his best. I've had to learn some new ways and it's hard. I make every excuse for men, the potential! Finally with him I could not ignore alcoholism and bi-polar. I get hoodwinked because I'm too loving. Your work is astounding, I wish you all the best.
How I hear you, Linda. He did do his best. We all do. The best we can with what we know at the time, whatever that looks like to each one of us individually. How brave of you indeed! Never minimize that very real part. It takes a courage and a strength that we often never know we have to walk away for yourself. Thank you for you very kind words. I'm so glad you're here and you've found something that resonates so deeply with your beautiful loving heart. You can never be too loving for that special someone who is truly right for you. It's how you'll know.
This article is so real that I've read it three times with hopes on what I should do with my situation. Stepping back and hoping that he see what he has with hopes that he will see. I have not gain the strength to leave. I'm still living off hope. I don't want to end up with another broken heart because I have worn so many that its breaking me down.
Be so gentle with yourself, Angelsmile. When it's time to do something, you'll know.
This was on point. It is scary that you are able to write about this the way you do and have it resonate with me. But the most wonderful part of reading this is knowing that that many others go through or have gone through this, and have made it.
We do and they have, Mishi. It's because so many of us share the same hearts. I'm so glad this resonated so much with you.
PS...sometimes they are doing us a favor by not being ready for a commitment. It opens the door for someone who is ready!!
So very true!
Loved this article, Jane, it resonated so well with me (as all of your pieces do). Thank you again for sharing your wisdom with us and for being so compassionate and kind to your readers.
So glad, Rajni. Thank you for your beautiful words. How you inspire me!
Bravo!! I admit I WAS living his life instead of my own. I wanted so badly to be part of something. Which depleted and stress me until I could not see for myself what that relationship was doing to my self-esteem and self worth. I thank him now for making the decision to end the relationship, NOW I have my own life...I do what I WANT to do, I know who I am an what I want for ME!!! One thing he told me that I believe was his truth..."you want a whole person and I am just not there" I took as I am not a whole person and you deserve a whole person. I could be wrong...but it makes me understand better and that is all that matters what I think right? With that being said...I am on whole today..knowing what I want and not wasting time on foolishness. I am LIVING, LOVING and LAUGHING everyday!!
Absolutely that is what matters most, RealDavis. Only you know what you can live with and what you can't. "You want a whole person and I am just not there" - So very true! At least he was honest enough with himself and you to recognize this.
I totally agree with your comments in this article.... it is absolutely true...seek your self worth first and then the rest will fall in line!
The underlying part that we can so easily miss in all the tumultuous stuff of him, Lin. Thank you for pointing this out so clearly!
This article came just right to the moment that my unavailable man, told me few days "he loves me and he always will" after almost three month of no contact, that he still looks at my pictures, and two days after he ask me to move on because he is dating a woman few times already and it might become in a relationship .. What kind of unavailable man do that! If he knows "I am beautiful and perfect" how he can get in a relationship with some woman telling to other woman "he loves her" ... It does not make any sense... Thank and I would love to hear your comments of that.
Because it's so much easier to keep distracting oneself with something new than it is to stop and look at why we do the things we do, Ingrid. He's doing what works for him, even if it doesn't make sense to you. It can't, because it's about him and where he comes from and not you. But what better way to make sure that you'll still be there for him if he happens to get there and see the light about you, then to tell you he loves you and always will, that he still looks at your pictures and that you're beautiful and perfect. It's the very fact that it doesn't make sense that will always keep us holding on!
Oh my God, Jane, you have such beautiful woman heart.. You are so wise and your words are so soothing.. It's the only way to describe all you are doing with all this women who need the light your bring with your words, God will always bless you for that! .. Thankful Ingrid
Thank you for your beautiful words, Ingrid. I'm so glad you're feeling the heart part of these words, the love that's contained in each one for all that you are and all that you're becoming in this beautiful process of growing into your own power and strength. It's only the mirror I'm holding up for you - the rest is all you!
Thanks Jane! I just really wanted him to choose me. I spent twenty years with a man that all I wanted to do was feel like I mattered. I left and he just moved on with someone else, I am devastated that they are so happy together. He says all she has to do is wake up in the morning and she has already set the bar higher. That she has put that light in his eyes that I always wanted to see when he looked at me. What I discovered was why I never left years ago. I didn't matter. I stayed because I didn't want to find out that what I was feeling was true. I felt like if I just kept at it, kept trying, kept doing and saying all the things he needed that I would eventually feel what I so desperately wanted to feel with him. All those years, I loved him unconditionally, only to find out that I was right. I didn't really matter.
Jen,
It's so said that a person can treat another person that way. It hurts so bad when you holding one hoping that maybe he will get it and that you do matter. How can it be so easy to walk away from a person that you love? How is it so easy to just move on? Where do those feelings go or was they ever there from the beginning is my question.
It's so sad that a person can treat another person that way. It hurts so bad when you holding on hoping that maybe he will get it and that you do matter. How can it be so easy to walk away from a person that you love? How is it so easy to just move on? Where do those feelings go or was they ever there from the beginning is my question.
(corrected response)
It is so sad, Luv716. They move on because they can. And the extent that they're able to also reveals the extent that they're able to keep from getting too close in the first place.
oh how I hear you, Jen. You've put into words what so many of us go through. Deep down we know we're right; we know what we feel. But the need within ourselves to just keep at it, to keep trying, to keep doing and saying all those things he needed to have what we so desperately want to have with him - that need is so great! But it's only a need that comes from somewhere else, Jen. From our programming, our conditioning, from somewhere else that is never who you are. You do matter, so much so! But to someone worth mattering to, not someone who can never see you for who you are and all that you have to offer simply because he isn't capable of seeing this within you.
2 years ago I was with my crush n on sep 10th I was shy to add him but my mum told me to add him as a friend then I was completely shy of texting him & msging him on FB n I saw him 2x as oct/nov came I wanted to see him more n talk to him but he was unavailable coz he was doing gigs at the park, play sport & doing his window cleaning which is part of his job.
What attracted me was his looks,tone & personality n I thought he looks so perfect, then Nov 13 I was obsessed with my crush n he gave me txts like " I don't have time to talk, I will talk as soon as I can" n I used to txt " when will we talk next?" N he used to say "I'll let u know when I can talk next"
So Dec 13 came n he was at the stage where he was busy with work n had less contact with him n my friends would say my crush doesn't wanna talk to u or he's got a GF which made me jealous so I didn't believe in my friends who told me rumours n on NYE 2013 my crush unfriended me n I was so upset n think why did he delete me?, what did I do wrong? N it made me wanna add him back as a friend n then he kept rejecting my friend requests which made me upset n on the 4 feb 2014 he gave me a msg saying sorry n ended the friendship in a happy way coz nothing happened between me n my crush
All of last year I gave him a break n on special occasions like my birthday n Xmas I would only give him a simple msg, on July 10 (his birthday) he replied to my msg saying thanks... N I thought what does this mean or will he say something more? So after Xmas I left him alone n keep going with the guy I've got
I'm thinking of adding my crush back as a friend n give him a simple happy Easter n if there's anything new with him, I would like to be friends with him again n be bff with him even tho I've got a bf who've I've been with for nearly 4 months idk if it's worth adding my crush back as a friend even tho I've still got a bf?
My crush is at the back of my mind n think what has he been doing since I last heard from him n I don't wanna go back to square 1 where I added him n he declined my friend request January 2014. I tend to think my crush was so perfect n wanted a R-ship in 13 but now I've changed n I'm already in 1
I find it so hard
Whenever something is hard, it's telling you something, Courtney. Ask yourself how you would feel if your boyfriend added his former crush back as a friend even though he's with you now. That may be all the clarity you need.
Unbelievable Jane! I don't know how U do it but U do and it's kinda scary, but in a good way! You write this as if U know my exact thoughts and feelings & i cant thank you enough for helping me realize im not crazy & this IS happening. I wish it wasn't true though. I will admit that even though I totally agree & understand all that U say, there's still a part of me hanging onto what lil bit of hope I still have. I guess the only way I'll figure it all out is if and when I get to that point when enough is enough. But who knows, it doesn't always have to end. There can be that happy ending right?
I get it, Danielle! And no, you're not crazy, and yes, it is real. You can trust yourself that you will know. In that timing that is right for you. Yes, there is always that possibility of that happy ending, but it's your happiness in the beginning, middle, and ending that matters, too.
I've been writing a male friend for a year and a half (we live in diffrrent countries but he comes here for family, etc.) In any case on one of those visits our eyes met and I fell in love with him and he told me he saw it happen. The relationship has expressed tons of feelings...all mine. He can't and never comments but he keeps reading my letters and comments only on the safe ones...facts based that is. Emotionally he is closed down and can't deal with his feelings... he has them in there or he would have walked away a long time ago... but he can't do it. It isn't that he doesn't care...he does. But it scares him so much that he can't connect in the ways he needs to. And in the end maybe we will stay friends....but we haven't been just friends for a long time now...if you ask him the answer would be we have never been anything but friends because that for him feels safe he thinks..... He had very strict parents as a child and very little to no real affection but instead abuse... he is intellectually brilliant, so was his dad.... but he can't and won't ever be so close that he can break through his own fears in the learning really what it can mean to be safe. The damage runs so deep and I can support but I can't do the work he needs to do to be ok...in his mid fifties now he may never be actually ok and experience so much of what he has missed learning. It is sad.... but I can't fix him. And I know that. But I care and maybe too much that I stay too.
"It is sad ... but I can't fix him." - Exactly, Chris. This is the hardest part for so many of us. That we can't. Oh how we want to! But at least your eyes are open.
You have, quite literally, just taken my breath away with this article!
I am sitting at my desk during lunch break in Switzerland - where I sit every Tuesday and Friday to read your articles when they come through - and this one particularly resonates so deeply within me.
I have had to walk away from the last two relationships in my life due to the fact that my other half and I were not on the same page - both were men with beautiful souls but caught up in their own issues / baggage (one was married and the other was separated - yes, I hear you, I know just how to pick them)! Nevertheless, despite the complications, there was something so profound which I shared with each of them, that letting go of what can only be described of as "potential" has been so incredibly hard.
Reading this article, in particularly the comment below, has finally let me breathe:
"He feels it on the deepest level he's ever allowed himself to feel anything before. He knows all you have to offer him. He knows everything you're capable of giving him. He knows just how amazing the two of you could be if he could hold up his end of the bargain the same way you can hold up yours. But he knows deep down inside that he can't."
Both men, in less eloquent terms, have said the same to me. I just refused to listen because I didn't want to let go. Reading it now, 7 months after my last relationship ended, finally has put things into perspective...so, let the next part of the journey begin.
By the way...thank you Jane! Through your words, articles and your course, you have helped me recover and find myself. You are an inspiration and, quite honestly, I am not sure what I would have done without you. Keep up the amazing work!
You've painted such a beautiful picture of where you are, Mountain Pixie; I almost feel like I'm right there with you. I'm so glad this one resonated so much with you and gave you that long-awaited breath. And thank you so much for your very kind words. How you inspire me!
This is exactly what i needed to read.. I've been blaming myself for the reason he didn't want to commit. Now its time to move on n live my life knowing that I'm too good to be messed about by someone who cant see what a good thing they have..
No man deserves ur tears n the one that does wont make u cry...
Onwards n upwards.
Thanks jane.
Exactly, Jennifer!
"Don't judge your worth by whether or not he can make that crossing"... Thank you, Jane!
You're so welcome, Julia. Thank you!
This has really helped, I've been rejected by a guy recently with some pretty bad self esteem issues who wouldn't commit. When I first met him I thought he was confident and funny. I began to think it was all about me, there must be something about me that isn't good enough, not worthy, not lovable, somehow defective. Now I can start rebuilding my self esteem and move on
So glad, Katrina. It's never something about you that "isn't good enough, not worthy, not lovable, somehow defective." Ever.
I've been with this for about three years and I've never been to his house because he says he doesn't live alone. We only spend time in his car or go out occasionally. When I want to see him he's either tired of he has something by do. When we do see each other it's like a every other week or two. I let the fact that he doesn't want kids go because I thought he would eventually want to get married or the at least wantvto move in together. But when I asked he said that he wasn't ready for that yet. I know I should let him go a long time ago but it was lt was too late I and already fell in love with him. I debate want I should do all the time and it brings me to tears. I don't know if I can be by myself but on the other hand know our future or lack there of hurts to much. I want that unconditional love marriage and kids but I don't think I will ever have that. I'm not getting any older. Reading your article has showed me what I need to do even though it will hurt.
It's never easy to do what we need to do when our heart want to believe otherwise, Krystal. But the pain we go through now by being true to ourselves pales in comparison to the pain we go through when we stay where we don't belong hoping things will change when our hearts and souls know just how much more we deserve!
Your so right jane
Thank you, Luisa. I'm so glad this resonated with you.