I see you.
Over there, sitting all alone with your head in your hands.
Oh you think no one notices you, but I do.
How could I not? Not where I've been.
Because when you've been there, you're the first one to feel it when you see all the signs. Broken heart, broken dreams, broken everything, or so it feels. How can it not feel like this when you feel everything as deeply as you do?
Why?
Why did it end? What did I do that was so wrong? What did I do to deserve this?
You want to know. You weren't ready. Not like this, not the way it ended and not the way you feel now.
If you can just find some reason for it – if you can just make some sense of it - you know you'll be all right.
But until then, here you are. Searching for a sign. Looking for an answer. Waiting for a miracle.
Here's the answer - the only answer: It ended because it had to.
You can't do this to yourself any longer. This pretending that you both want the same thing, that he's on the same page as you, that you both want the same ending to the story of the two of you you've been creating together.
Only if you look closer than you've ever allowed yourself to, you'll see that you've been the only one creating this story for awhile now.
It never starts out that way, but it's where we get to when we're so caught up in seeing only what we want to see that we miss the reality that's always somewhere there, right in front of us.
It ends because we can only convince ourselves for so long that we can actually do this. That we can live like this. That we can accept the reasons, the excuses, the inconveniences, the apologies, and keep going back for more.
After all, if we're honest with ourselves, without that ending, without it blowing up in our faces like it often seems to, we can waste an awful lot of our lives away.
It ends because you weren't made to live like this.
It ends because your body isn't willing to feel the physical effects of what you're going through any longer.
It ends because your loving, caring, giving heart can't keep giving like it does without receiving something back in return.
It ends because you're not the victim.
It ends because this isn't the role you auditioned for.
It ends because there's so much more for you instead of what you've been settling for.
It ends because if he doesn't end it, you never will.
It ends because it's the only way for you to discover someone who will be on the same page as you.
It ends because that someone can't find you while you're with someone else.
It ends because the part of you that knows all this knows it has to.
It ends because God, the Universe, Fate, the Infinite Potential – whatever you call that source of love and grace in your life – has got so much more in store for you than this.
It ends because you can't get to the next part, the better part, until this part ends.
It ends because you need it to.
You don't have to believe it. You don't have to see it. You don't have to understand it. You don't have to do anything more than read these words if that's where you're at. But I want you to try to grab hold of just a tiny piece of faith and trust that there just might be something to this.
It might be a long shot from where you are right now. It doesn't matter.
We're going for the long-term picture, not the shorthand view. Two steps forward, one step back. One step at a time.
Baby steps.
Until you see this, too. We're going to get you there together, you and me. You're not alone here. Grab on to whatever part of my work speaks to you. And then hold on tight.
Once you start on this new way of thinking, new way of seeing, you're in for the ride of your life.
Jane, your words are electric! For over a year I've been struggling to let go of the guy I know isn't right for me, despite his awesome potential. For the most part he is one of life's decent guys, and I'm sure if we didn't have a sexual past we'd actually have been great friends. My Dad died recently, and the boy took a week off from work to come be with me and my mom. He carried my father's coffin. He helped my mom when she struggled to get up in the mornings, and he organised things that needed to be organised.
But now a month later we're back to being the 'us' we have been for so long, him acting out and getting angry with me, being unpleasant and changing his mind about what he wants with us constantly. I know he doesn't want to commit to me, and to be honest the way he behaves a chunk of the time I don't want him to commit to me either!
I came across your site this morning when searching for how to reconcile in my head a guy that is decent and reliable on the one hand, and spiteful and absent on the other. I am so glad I found your site and other women who have been through the same! We're currently not speaking and for once, I am totally ok with that....and kind of excited to meet someone new when the time is right. Thank you!
Welcome, Coralie! I'm so glad this resonated so much with you and you're finding out you're not at all alone. You never are.
Jane, please help me. I am in so much emotional pain. The man I love slept with another woman, and she is now pregnant. Walking away is so hard, to know you got so close to this person and that the last three years spent with them now means nothing. He claims that he doing paternity test but she says she has no doubt, all this means nothing for me, I would like to find some way to move on.
I have upcoming exams and I just do not know how to focus. All I can do is cry. Jane I gave this person my all. I got him a new job, I was there for him endlessly when no one else was, he acknowledges this. How can someone hurt you this bad, and now it seems so easy for him to walk away from us. I am going crazy, I try so hard not to call. the pain is unbearable. If it is that I gave my all to someone, my absolute best and it wasn't enough for him why would it be enough for someone else?
"If it is that I gave my all to someone, my absolute best and it wasn't enough for him why would it be enough for someone else?" - Because you weren't on the same page as him, Maris. That's how you know. The ones who you'll be enough for won't sleep with another woman. They'll choose to be with you and only you. I know this is so painful right now, but don't make this into the rejection that it feels like. You only want someone who wants the same thing you want, who's on the same page, who's looking for the same thing you are - with you. If that's not him, he can be everything you think you want, but it still won't be what you want it to be because that same page compatibility is everything.
Yes, he had to do it cause i would never had the heart to. I knew it was never going to lead anywhere. So thank you for this cause this is so true in my life right now. My heart is hurting but this is the only way to go on with my life.
The paradox of how much it hurts, yet how it may be the only way some for some of us to see what we could never otherwise see, Kristie. Keep your eye on that part - the part that's still to come.
Jane this was such a powerful post for me. I truly believe you are our guardian angel who can relate to us in so many ways.
I agree with it all especially all the reasons why it ends, when we finally look back at our past experiences we do know intuitively that we were blessed that it ended, that we didn't totally lose ourselves in a situation which was unfulfilling and unlovable,
I suppose I'm at a stage in my life
where I'm feeling that perhaps the whole romantic relationship thing was not meant for me, that my true purpose is something else
To keep attracting similar situations which are always challenging especially at the beginning has to be a sure sign its not right as things should not be so difficult and therefore I am questioning that perhaps my path in life is a different one
I do believe the universe is always looking out for us and our highest good,
Thanks Rosy
And it is, Rosy! Find that clarity in who you really are and what you are truly looking for and you will find exactly that - just as easily as it will find you. Shift your thinking from romantic - which so often brings up the unrealistic and fantasy-based notions we carry deep in our psyches, to inspiring, compatible, enriching, true, passionate, real relationship, and see what happens. Don't give up your own dreams, just clarify them for yourself and bring them out into the light of reality. Keep me posted; I have a feeling you're going to find something bigger than you ever thought possible here. 🙂 And thank you so much for your beautiful words. I'm so glad this resonated so much with you.
Thank you Jane for your beautiful Inspiring words of wisdom, uplifting, encouraging and fulfilling
You are a beautiful gifted soul and we are so very blessed to have you in our lives:):)
Rosy xo
Thank you, Rosy. I'm so honored to receive these beautiful words from you. 🙂
Hi, Jane.
Everything that you said makes sense. I was in a relationship about 3 years ago with my ex-bf for 8 months, and when we broke up, I was devastated. my ex-bf said I wasn't being affectionate enough. I really wanted to stay with him, because I was comfortable and I had never been in love before but I was unhappy, and my happiness was important to me. At first, I thought I made a huge mistake, but now looking back I realize that I made the right choice. I think that everything happens for a reason, and if things are meant to be then they'll work out. If a relationship has to end it's usually for the best. There's a saying that goes "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince" and so right now I'm waiting for my prince.
So glad you're seeing this so clearly for yourself, Alysha. There's a reason we do the things we do, and as you say, if you're with the right person, you'll always find a way back to each other if you're both on the same page and truly want the same thing. If you don't, then there's a reason for that, too. It always takes two. It's trusting ourselves that's a new thing for so many of us. And all it takes is one; the one that's looking for you, too. 🙂
Thank you Jane for your continued support through my journey by these emails. Amazing words my heart continues to need to hear. I have printed out this list and included it in my journal to remind myself on those sad days, those days I fantasize the potential of the relationship, what reality truly is. I continue to hope to find the person on the same page as me because I don't think I could be in a relationship anymore not being myself. Thank you.
Exactly, Natalie! You're not meant to ever be with someone who you can't be yourself around. That's how you'll know. And thank you for your kind words; so glad you're finding the support you're looking for here. You inspire me!
Hi Jane and everyone!
I have this fear, this insecurity that runs deep in me I think. It's impossible to help it.
I have been with a man for a little over 2 months. It started very good, we were on the same page, but as time goes on I can't help to think "when is it going to be over?" "when are things going to get cold? It's always so nice in the first few weeks, then you get to know each other and the daily routines. He's a very busy but he does try to make time for us so far, again I keep thinking when is he going to pull back? I noticed he hardly calls me any affectionate pet names, like sweetie etc. why? I thought maybe he doesn't do that, but I like being called pet names. But since I've been here on this site long enough, I know it's the actions that speak louder than words. I'm being such a fool right now, making a big deal out of something small.
My mind just doesn't stop, I fear the unknown. I don't want to be like this, it scares guys away. They always seem to want that super confident woman. It's horrible and I hide it so very well. But it'll surface I'm sure. In reality, I actually think I'm worth it, I'm lovable, dedicated, supportive, always give it 100%, you name it.
I am my own worst enemy.
Please advise.
Take a deep breath, Elisia, and remind yourself that if you have two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other, you're going to get there - wherever there is - together. Two people creating a relationship together. Equals. Not him on a pedestal and you deferring to him. Equals. You're getting to know him better - to see if you even WANT to be with him, and he's getting to know you. You're both fully in control of this relationship. If it doesn't work out - if the two of you turn out to be on different pages, the only loss will be your dream of what could have been. But it's so much more important to have what is! You want reality, you want the truth, you want what's real. So calm yourself with that first. And then focus on you and your own life and fill your own cup with enough of the people and places and things that speak to you, so you're not hanging onto his every word and action and behavior trying to figure out where he's at or what you should be doing. You can't possibly know what the future holds, but you're not supposed to know. You're meant to live. To create your beautiful life. And have him as part of your life, but not all of it. Bring him back down off that pedestal to stand next to you as your equal, and take it one day at a time. This is how you build a relationship. One step at a time. Together. Same page. At the end of each and every day, you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you. Hope this helps. 🙂
Yes, it does. Thank you and for your time! I was thinking I do need to fill my life with something to keep my mind off going overboard. Alright, I'll look into having some kind of hobby. Thing is, I tried doing so many activities, then I meet someone and I stop doing that. Sad thing is, I don't have long til I'm 30 and this is how I act, as I've described above. Sometimes I feel I'll never get it right.. but okay, we'll take it one step at a time. Together. And then see if we're on the same page still.
Have nice weekend! =)
You're so welcome, Elisia. Run, don't walk into your own beautiful life. No, none of us want to "have to", but when we get used to focusing on our own lives for a change instead of simply trying to fit into someone else's life, something wonderful happens and we're never quite the same. 🙂
You are subjecting yourself to degradation over and over again if you don't accept the fact that the person that you think you so desperately love and need, doesn't care about you at all. You have been duped. He got out of you what he was after, whatever that may be, You wanted to believe him so desperately, that you overlooked the truth, or didnt even bother to look for the truth, you just blindly ran with what he was dishing out at the moment. That was it, you surrendered your precious self to some who wanted nothing more but to ruin you. So now you are sitting with your head in your hands because you failed to protect your heart. Poor me, I am that woman who failed to guard her heart.
Don't beat yourself up, Sherry.
You're not the only one who's been there. We all have. We don't have to guard our hearts, we just have to nurture them and take care of them. They're meant to be open and of course, given to who appreciates them.
We give, we love, we dream, we hope and there's nothing wrong with that. What we have to watch out for is the why. We need to see the place from where our giving is coming from. Sometimes we don't realize that we're overgiving and we do so from a place of lack and forgetting our innate worth. We just forget so much and we give ourselves away because we're after some things that are not real. We fall for fairy tales and detrimental beliefs shown and handed to us by our family, friends, movies, songs and society as a whole. That's that. We just need to keep on keeping on for ourselves, our dreams and our happiness above all else. You may be sad and heart broken now, but you'll come out of this as the wonderful woman you are and have always been. We're all here with you. Taking little steps to a better place, to remembering who you are and that you're perfect no matter where you've been.
Lots of love
Thank you, Angel. You summarized this so well.
Sherry
Please don't do this to yourself. He isn't worth all your effort. There is so much more to life then settling for crumbs. Action speak way louder then words ever could. I know this first hand. 5 years of which none where good for me. It's give and take and that's the bottom line. No one is that special and it took me along time to see that. Even though my heart still hurts I know that it's all about me and my happiness then and only then can I make others happy. So take it as a lesson learned and move on with your life as hard as that may sound it's the only thing you can do to heal the heart so the mind can follow. Good luck and all the best.
Thanks, John.
You're human, Sherry. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. We've all been there with those open hearts, shared with men who could never see us for who we really are or appreciate those qualities in us. Don't change a thing about you; just change when and who you give that beautiful heart of yours to.
John, I'm in the same boat. ..on/off relationship for 5 years with a man I love deeply. While I didn't want it to end, I know I deserve more than endlessly waiting for him to be ready and willing to take the leap. And you deserve more too. Letting go is hard as hell, but you will get there in your own time. It's only been two months for me as well so I can imagine your feeling of emptiness. But we have great strength to overcome this. Someday you will find the one that is right for you. In the meantime, just try to focus on you. And remember to be gentle with yourself 🙂
Thank you, I hope everything works out for you as well. Life and love is what you make it. I will focus on me and try to see the good in all the bad that has come from all this. Learn from my mistakes and move on to what ever life has instore for me next. Till then healing one day at a time.
Thank you, Stacy. Beautifully said.
I have been back and forth with this women for five years. Truth be told we hurt each other in many ways. But at the end of the day I changed for her more then she did for me. And still with all the changes I made I could never really feel loved how I wanted to. The guilt and pain that comes with all that has happened. The dreams smashed, my life seems hallow with out her. My days a blur as I move forward letting going is harder then I would have ever thought. I now know that I am holding on to a dream of what I wished it could be and accepting isn't coming as I wish it would. This on again off again just isn't what I want out of a relationship. Being scared of what may or may not come is what keeps me holding on. Living in the past is not what I want for myself. I wish I knew hat to do. I'm just so hurt and lost that this time. All this must be for a reason. I know that I'm at where I should be at and this is all for a reason. I just want to know what that is. 2 months in and still holding on and letting go at the same time.
I so hear you, John. It's never easy to let go of someone you don't want to let go of. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time. Do you know what you're blaming yourself for? What's there, hanging over you, in that guilt and pain you mention here? Get to the bottom of that, and find out what's real about it and what you're taking on there that isn't yours to carry, and I have a feeling you'll find your freedom there.
There's a letter I answered on the blog from a kind, sensitive, caring man going through a similar situation that you'll find here. And an earlier article I wrote about why it's so hard to just move on, may help you as well.
It always takes two, John. And it's never about the rejection we think it is, but always about two people being on the same page at the same time. If you don't have that, you're missing the biggest part - the part that you so deserve.
Thank you Jane
I'm really trying to see the light. This isnt my frist time around this block but always feels like it is.
Afternoon John,
What Jane is saying is absolutely correct. It's hard to see right now, but the fact really is that the two of you were simply not on the same page about what you wanted out of each other. If the two of you are not on the same about one another, the wanting to see where a relationship might go between the two of you, then it simply will not be at all. The key is to not take this personally, the breaking up part. It's not because you're not good enough for her or anything like that at all. To say that is giving her too much power over you. It's your decision to choose to try and save it or to get her to like you by trying to be somebody you're not, but quite frankly, when two people are in sync and on the same page about wanting to be with the other person to see where things will go, you can't do anything wrong as you are simply getting to know each other.
Another thing to remember when you start dating again is to not put the person on a pedastal. Often we elevate the other person into such a position over us that we completely lose ourselves in them rather than seeing them as a human being just as ourselves and we end up blaming ourselves if things should not work out. Don't go there, don't do this. You are a person deserving of a great relationship and the right woman is waiting to be with you.
I'll close this out and tell you that Jane is absolutely right: Don't blame yourself at all about what happened. The two of you were just not on the same page and it did not work out.
Eric
Eric,
Sounds about right. I have been really putting myself in a place where I only see what I want to see and
Not what is real. Your right in saying that I gave up to much power and that I would say was my ultimate mistake. I have these bouts with myself becuase I can't seem to ignore her when she reaches out to me. I'm starting to see things as I should. And taking back my power is what I'm focused on now. Thanks you so much everyone for the replyes this has helped me so much!
Thanks, Eric.
I hear you, John. One step at a time, the light becomes more clear as you go along. You can't possibly expect to see from here what you're going to see from there.
I love this post I can totally relate to everything u said in the post I'm going through some of this as we
So glad this resonated with what you're going through, Latosha. Thank you.
Hi Jane:
Been busy trying to forget and not one day goes by when I think about you and how you have helped me through my days. In reading your article the spark of words that speak to me is 'GOD'. It was totally so weird I was sleeping and I said to myself when I woke up you need to Thank 'GOD' too for not contacting that man anymore. Two other women mentioned 'GOD'. Sometimes it takes all my power to not contact that man and believe I do think about it and it is not nice.. But in finding you as a great friend and I have always been a believer in 'GOD" that gives me more power to believe in myself and I can do this. BTW I am going to a live latino comedy in our town this weekend that is another thing in my bucket list. Jane have a great and blessed day. BTW I am going to share a beautiful pic on my timeline.
Enjoy, Catherine. This is your beautiful life to create the way you want it to be! And thank you so much for your kind words. There is always more to these "coincidences" than mere chance. 🙂
Thank you , now I'm sure it was suppose to end. After a two year rocky roller coaster relationship. he no longer wanted to be intimate and I was suffering emotionally. I feel strong enough to let go with the help of God to wait for the good, and wonderful to show up
Linda you took the first step. Believe me the GOOD and WONDERFUL will show up. Love yourself enough to be patience and in the meantime go out meet people, get a hobby, take a class, etc. stay busy!!
And it will!
You're worth so much more than rocky roller coaster rides, Linda. I'm so glad you're feeling your strength - and getting that confirmation that you knew in your heart all along.
I can't begin to tell you how much your emails mean to me. Every single email you've sent me has talked about almost exactly what I'm going through at the time. I don't know how that's possible but its true.. And the things you say and advice you give is amazing g and gives me hope . it means the world to me and I want to hank you for that. God bless you
Mary
Thank you, Mary. There's a reason that has everything to do with you and what you're open to seeing; this is how powerful you truly are that the words that you need to hear are finding you. This is all you. 🙂
Many more good days than bad now. But, still love him even though I know he's gone. And I know he should be gone; our time came and went. And because he didn't choose me, I have the most awesome child alive. He represents fantasy and my child represents reality. So, I can love and keep them both; one in fantasyland and one in flesh and blood. No regrets, flesh and blood is tge way to go.
Wow, your comment touched me, Liz. Hold onto that, it's so beautiful the way you've expressed this dichotomy, the way you can see this incredible gift of reality in your precious child that may have been born from a fantasy, but is your more real than life itself example of how right some things will always find a way to be in spite of all kinds of circumstances. Thank you so much for sharing this here.
It's crazy because a guy that I really liked just broke up with me and then I receive this, i know this was meant for me, this message came right a couple of days after he left me and said he didn't feel the same as I, thank you, i know God sent this message through u for me and for that I say thank u
You're so welcome, Tee. I don't believe in coincidences anymore, I believe we receive exactly what we need.
Your email today, "Why it Ends" couldn't have been more timely for me and my situation. I just had a very abrupt ending to a 4 year relationship. I discovered he was emotionally cheating via text with another woman, and Poof! That was it. He was gone. No apologies, no let's work it out, nothing. I've been dealing with things as best as possible but so many questions and "why's" have been running through my head since it happened. Your email today said SO many things that I now realize I've known in my heart but until I read them in your email today didn't fully realize. And your words were confirmation and made me feel better because I knew things with him weren't healthy and good. All the reasons you mentioned as to why it had to end are true. Thank you.
oh the "why's" that run through our heads as we try to make sense of our endings. I'm so glad this resonated so much with you and your situation, Alli, and gave you the confirmation you needed. Trust that beautiful heart of yours; it's there that you always know the truth.
Jane,
I cannot tell you how very much you have and are helping me regain my sense of self esteem. My relationship (if you can call it that) ended in Sept of 2013 but I am still in mourning for what could have been and what happened at the end. I have no excuses for the way I permitted myself to be treated, except to say that it was my first experience with love and sex. I carry a heart burdened by what happened and an attachment to a boy who never loved me, but your words have helped beyond measure. Especially this letter. I needed to hear exactly those words at exactly this time. I still struggle with questions like "why? when I gave everything", and "what did I do to deserve this?" to "is there really an epic, legendary love out there for me?". Even if the answers to those questions scare me, your words give me hope. Thank you, from a 25 year old girl and her traumatized heart and soul.
Love,
Arie
Thank you, Arie, for your beautiful words. I'm so glad this resonated so much with exactly where you are and what you're going through. I was once a 25 year old girl with a traumatized heart and soul, with the harshest lesson learned about love and sex. I feel your pain, but I know there's so much more for you in spite of - and even because of - what you've been through. So I say to you what I wish someone could have said to me when I walked in similar shoes. Love hasn't left you behind. Love hasn't forgotten about you. You did the best you could with what you knew. And there will come a day when you look back on where you are right now and whisper a quiet "thank you" to this heartbreak, to this boy, because you were made for so much more than this. Oh you'll see it so clearly then. But for now, it's enough if you refuse to beat yourself up like I did for what we can never know at the time, if you promise yourself to never leave your side along the way, if you forgive yourself if you don't get it right the next time or the next time after that, and if you find it within yourself to trust that somewhere, somehow, there really is an epic, legendary love out there for you. I promise you it won't look a thing like you expected it to, but when it finds you - and oh how it will! - you will never wonder why again.
This really spoke to me. I am still choosing to see him and I am not quite ready to let go- but I will.
Baby steps...
Please keep writing Jane and posting your wisdom, it helps, it really does.
oh I plan to, Gill. It's those baby steps that inspire me more than you know! Be proud of yourself for each and every one of those; those first ones are the ones that require the most courage.
I just want to try to win him back
You're so not alone, Di.
I've come to understand why it had to end, and I'm trying to have faith that I will feel this way about someone again. This week has really been a struggle for me. I guess because it's been 2 months since I broke things off (even though that isn't what I really wanted, but rather what was for the best for me), and I'm turning 38 this week and now single again. I've never had the connection I had with him with anyone else, and although I have broken things off I still somehow secretly hope for a miracle....that he'll show up at my door with bags in hand saying he's here for good or that he'll call me saying he gave his 2 week notice and will be moving here then. I know neither of those are likely to happen. If I was truly the one for him, he would have moved here a long time ago. It's just so hard to detach my heart from him....to truly let go. It makes it hard that he contacts me every few weeks, and it's always the same...how much he misses me and wants us to be together and how he still has hope for finding a job here. And his contact does bring some relief initially, but then it feels like I lost him all over again when we are back to no contact for a few more weeks. I don't understand why I long to still be with someone who has never made me a priority in his life, someone who is clearly not on the same page as me. Why can't I just let go completely, and move on?
This is exactly what I needed to hear today. This fits my situation to a T. Thank you! You help me pick my head back up and keep moving on. I was totally losing faith that the Universe really does have something better because it kept he and I together. We were on the same page. How do you ever know someone will stay on the same page with you?
What I have learned; How do you ever know someone will stay on the same page as you? You don't. It is unknowable. I really think it is less about turning a page and more about a mask falling off. The best you can do is hope for the best but watch. If they show signs of being deceitful, mean, uncaring, believe it. If they say things that are hurtful, insulting, rude or uncaring, believe it. If they do or say the wrong things, things that are unloving, uncaring, untruthful then believe it is who they really are.
Know your boundaries and recognize when the line is crossed. Begin with knowing what page YOU are on!
Wow, Wayne; you've captured the sentiment of what I was going to say and shared this better than even I could. Thank you for jumping in here. "Begin with knowing what page YOU are on!" - Exactly!
I have a great teacher.
🙂
So glad, Leslie. Thank you for your kind words. How do you know? You take it slow and really get to know someone very, very well before you get so far ahead of yourself that you can't easily pull back. You watch what they say and do - and what they don't. And you believe what you're seeing and you trust yourself that you know more than you think. And you trust that the wrong ones always leave and the rights ones never will. Because that is so true.
Jane...gurl you have done it again!! "It ends because you can't get to the next part, the better part, until this part ends". I could not end it on my own, but he did and TODAY I am glad!! Now I have the BETTER PART!!! I learned that once you stop loving the potential and see the reality you then can see the real person. One thing I will stand on, When a person show you or tell you who they are believe them!!! No matter how much you may love them you cannot change them. They can only change if they choose to change. It is hard to let go of a fantasy...but live in reality and you will see that it is all about YOU!!! If is not making you happy or if you are not in peace choose YOU!!! I DID!!!
And you did, RealDavis. This is all you! Thank you for sharing. This is all so very, very true.
MY WORD!!!! I am at a loss for words because just today or this period-this is what I'm going through.Trying to make sense of alot. Wondering if I am wrong for wanting to walk away. Questioning myself and my morals. Thinking I am unsupportive or impatient by saying I cannnot share my partner. By saying I cannot stick around while him and his ex go through their destructive cycle. WOW.I'm smiling typing this because even though we decided again today that the situation is destroying what we have, I feel at peace. Strangely so because I have decided to find my inner strength &let go. I'm just surprised that Ihaven't felt the emotional rollercoaster with a break up but maybe my inner voice is saying that i am doing the right thing FOR ME! This was such an interesting read. Thank you Jane. I will stay tuned:-)
Glad this resonated with you, Veronica. Enjoy that peace; it's a sign that you're onto something here. 🙂
Thank you Jane. I want to get there, I do. It just hurts. Hurts that he could move on so fast like our twenty years meant nothing. Doing and making the same exact memories with her that he did with me. I wanted him to fight for us, for me, I wanted to matter. Now she does.
Take all those things you want, Jen, and don't change a thing about them. Just take them off of him, along with the expectation that you can change this or him alone, and save it for that someone who will fight for you, who you will matter to, who you be on the same page as you. It's never the rejection you think or feel it is. It's the reality check that - if you allow it to - has the power to set you free.
Once again, I can totally relate to what youve written. It's very true and makes perfect sense and i know this but I just can't walk away. I've posted many comments & truely thank U for responding. U really know and understand what it's like & U make me feel better & make me want to change this but it's still hard. In the past I've mentioned my relationship where I havent met his parents, don't live together, and he won't say I love U and it's been 2 yrs! Well I broke up with him a month ago & told him what I want out of a relationship & if he could give it to me, cool. If not then I was moving on. He was totally distraught & 2 days after the break up, he took me to meet his mom! He said it was 'overdue'. Unreal, I waited 2 yrs for that & couldve avoided all this turmoil if he wouldve introduced me sooner. He realized it was silly to have waited this long. So we are back together but things r still not that good. He's been sayng i love U more so it's giving me hope again, but then he distsnt and I freak out cuz I don't want him to leave me. just when I think he's done he tells me, 'your stuck with me whether U like it or not.' Which makes me feel better but I'm still not convinced. do U think he's really wanting this to work or is he just giving me false hope?
I'm glad this is resonating with you, Danielle. He's showing you more of who he is and what he can live with. So now you get to decide what you want to do with that information. It doesn't sound like he has an agenda or is only giving you false hope, it sounds like he's doing what works for him and what he's comfortable with. Shift the focus to you and your own life, fill your own cup so full of what you're all about - your interests, your hobbies, your passions and activities and social opportunities. When you live your life like this, you'll allow both of you to be who you are without expecting more of him than he's able to give you. Then you can decide from a place of fullness, rather than need, whether this is about him, or about you.
Thank you!! Came at a time when I needed to be reminded that BETTER is on its way n the Universe always has my best interest at heart.
It always does, Vybranthang! You can absolutely trust that.
The title... Precise, succinct.
I'm so glad I ended the whole waiting and feeling like a failure and I'm starting to see light again. I'm feeling much better now and I can now see how much more there is for me to have and learn. Here's to leaving pain behind!
oh Angel how I wish I can be brave like you and just end it without looking back and always hoping things might change.....
Hang in there, Lolly. In your own time, in your own way, you'll get there. We all do. We all come to a point in which we just can't take it anymore and there comes the strength needed to just leave and join life with all its beauty.
And here's to you, Angel.
Holding on tight, but starting to see the light.
So glad, Wayne!
thank you once again Jane for your kind words and for keep on reminding us that we must see things as what they are instead of the way we want to see them as......I need to know from you as to how do I let go of someone who cant seem to take me serious? the only thing He does is to communicate only through whatsapp, no phone calls or whatsoever, he doesn't make any plans to see me at all, the only time when he gets to see me is when I start to complain that he doesn't make time for me and above all there`s nothing, I know for a fact there is nothing more than what this is right now as he is not showing any signs of wanting to make more plans to be with me......the fact that he checks up on me everyday through whatsapp makes it more hard for me to move on from him, I keep hoping that he will finally ask me out or rather make more plans to see me but it doesn't seem like its gonna happen anytime soon.....I tried to communicate this with him and he only gave me a vague response without any clear indication that things might change.....I`ve know this guy for 3 months now and ive only seen him twice this year (2015)........please advise me do I block him completely from my whatsapp so that he doesn't get to send me any messege or do I just leave things the way they are and not respond to any of his messeges??
I'm glad these are helping you to see your own situation more clearly, Lolly. The answer to your question seems pretty clear from here; if "the fact that he checks up on me everyday through whatsapp makes it more hard for me to move on from him", then block him if you really do want to move on from him. I've never been able to move on well from someone who I was still tied to in any way, so don't expect yourself to be able to do this when you have these constant reminders of what he's doing and where he is. You deserve so much more than this, and the irony is that the only way you allow yourself to see what that is, is by letting go.
wow thank you so much Jane,you really know how to make me fill better,reading this e-mail gave me strength,may the good Lord give you more
I'm glad this helps, Makwena. Thank you.
I so look forw
And you will, Shirley. Whatever it is you're looking forward to, it will come.
It has not ended yet for me although sometimes I wish it had and other times I tell myself everything will be fine just stick with it, I feel I am to old for all of this I was on my own for 13 years after my Husband died, and then a friend introduced me to this guy, same age but divorced, we seem to hit it off straight away, I felt like we were equals, time has gone on and as soon as I approached the moving in moving on subject it all changed. I have been told not to mention it ever again....felt like a child on a naughty chair! I know I love him but am never sure if he loves me, he is so wrapped up in him its hard to get a look in. He told me he had been on his own for to long and had got selfish, yet he sends me texts indicating that he is missing me and is very affectionate when we spend time together, which I might add is always only on his terms. I am to weak to just give him up and grow a backbone and walk away, I have experienced pain once before and do not want to go there again, so easiest way out for me is to put my house up for sale and move to the other side of the country towards my Daughter, she will be there for me and at least I know she loves me and wants me in her life always, so it will end but on my terms and in the way that I can cope with, sad thing is we got on so well in everyway, he will never find another me...I guess I just have to say his loss. Your web site has really really helped me see how many other people out there have met the same sort of selfish guys and are also struggling to do something about it. Good Luck to you all. x
The reality of seeing what you really have and what you don't is as telling as it is painful, Bridget. I hear your struggle between whether to let it be or to move on. Either way, take your own power back and choose you. When you do what brings you the greatest amount of peace and calm while leaving you with the least amount of regrets, you'll know you've done what you need to do for you. What you can live with is what matters more than anything - or anyone else.
The reality of seeing what you really have and what you don't is as telling as it is painful, Bridget. I hear your struggle between whether to let it be or to move on. Either way, take your own power back and choose you. When you do what brings you the greatest amount of peace and calm while leaving you with the least amount of regrets, you'll know you've done what you need to do for you. What you can live with is what matters more than anything - or anyone else.
This is amazing & encouraging. It's opened my eye's, made me realise a lot of things & got me questioning. Why hold on to something thats not meant to? He may be cute, funny, charming. But if he doesn't make you 150% happy then it's time to let him go.
It's so true, Lana. I'm so glad you're seeing this.
Well in the past I ended it with my ex in May 2010 after being with the guy in a R-ship after 6 months. I stopped loving him coz he was dirty n had too much uncommon stuff n I wasn't ready to settle with him n he had the same hair as me n I kept thinking he looked like a lady coz of his hair tied up n I moved on quickly n he was hurt n I didn't want to see him again but my best friends would tell me they saw him etc n 1 time I saw him on the train n I talked my best friend about travels n when he looked at me opposite me I would look at my best friend coz I wasnt interested in my ex n 1 time as I walked out of work n he walked In I was scared
In 2013 I really liked this guy who was my crush n I was keen on him n would like a gf 1 day but I could see myself being with him more coz I had loads of things in common but I was obsessed with him quickly on FB n my friends would say stop talking about him n I was gossipy about it n on nye 2013 he deleted me off Fb n blocked my number n I kept adding him on FB but he kept declining my friend requests n Im thinking why is he doing this? So on jan 19th I saw him in person n said sorry to me n that he will talk later n never did, gave him a birthday msg n said "thanks..." N I gave him xmas greetings n hoped for a reply but he'd seen my msg n never replied n on 4 feb 2014 he said he wants to end the friendship in a happy coz nothing happened between me n him
Right now I've got a man who've i've been with 3 months n I get along so well n we both want the same thing like both want to go away together but mum says it's too early to do it n I know I have to know him a year. I only see him 2x - 3x a week but mum thinks he should see me more, I told him we can do it next year n says he can't wait that long n I know I want to take it slow but at the same time I want to say yes n go on the journey with him. I don't want to end it with him coz I know it will hurt him but I'm really keen on him n I like him a lot than my past BFs
I thought if I end it with him then I will be single more n I probably won't find someone in another 5 years. So I thought I'll see what happens after a year together n he maybe the right 1 for me
I'm thinking of msg'ing my crush on FB from 2013 on what he's doing but idk if I should or shouldn't coz he's working, doing gigs & sport etc n I'm scared he won't answer me back n I just want to be his good friend only even tho I've got my bf. In 2013 my crush said if u or me find someone don't be afraid to tell me as being a good friend
Idk what to do anymore
Ask yourself why you want to reach out to your crush - even as a friend - when you have a boyfriend now, Courtney. And it sounds like your mom is looking out for you, here, wanting to make sure he's truly worthy of you before you go away together with him. It's hard to wait, I know, but know that if you're on the same page and he's looking for the same thing you are, he'll understand why you want to take things slow.
Hi Jane,
Thank you sooooo much for these words of encouragement. You have said the very things in this message that I have felt about the relationship that I have been in the past four years. The only thing is it seems as if it will never end. We walk away and end up right back at the same place. I know that God or has more for me. I also know that he will not send him in the midst of what's going on. We don't argue our anything like that. But he didn't give me the desires my heart. He gives me enough to keep hope alive. That's it. I've tried to see other people but it doesn't go anywhere. It seems that I have gotten out of the swing of things in these four years. I have accepted that it is the end several times, only to begin again. Please help!
Sincerely,
Passenger on an Emotional Rollercoaster
You're so welcome, Lasundra. I do hear where you're coming from. Trying to move on, but coming back to that beginning time and time again. The highs of these rollercoaster rides have such a hold on us because it's the dynamic of being with someone who has so much potential - that we can literally feel it - that gives you that feeling you have with when you're on that high. But that's as far as it can go because it's potential, not reality. It's not sustainable. And of course the other ones you try to see don't go anywhere because when you're with someone who doesn't need potential, who's already there within himself and doesn't need to seen through the eyes of what could be and what you might by change be enough to create, it can't match that intensity.
But the reality is, you don't want it to match that intensity. Because as attractive and exciting that this may be when you're on the top of that rollercoaster ride, what you want is the secure attraction and passion of being with someone who's on the same page with, who you can dream your dreams together with, who you can question everything with together, who you can climb mountains with and cross rivers together in the excitement that can only come from two people on the same page who can both handle the real thing.
That's what you deserve, Passenger on an Emotional Rollercoaster. But until you can see that - and tell the difference between the two - nothing will change. This is where you come in. There is where you discover just how powerful you are. Until there's that clarity that comes from you, until you decide you want something to change, nothing changes; until you decide you want it to.
Hi Jane
Thank you for your email. I must admit that I never know how to feel when I read what you send because it is always so applicable and speaks to me. Sometimes I find it hard to acknowledge that what I am feeling is not unique or special and that all
I am going through is just a predictable process. It always feels so much more. I don't think I can get to that acceptance point. I feel like I can't give up on him or my dream for us.
What you say rings true but I just am too sad to be able to apply it.
X
I so hear you, Emmy. If all you do is be kind and compassionate with yourself at this point, that will enough. You don't have to do anything except focus on you and creating your own beautiful life. Choose you, shift that focus to you, so that whatever he does or doesn't choose to do with you doesn't matter nearly as much as what you want to do with you and your own life. We're not meant to move on before we're ready, and I don't know any of us who can truly move on without that.
Hi Jane
I want to thank you so much for your words of encouragement, yes I am in denial and was hoping to get back with my ex, its 2mths since I last saw him, I still text him and he replies only if I text him, I know its a stupid thing for me to do as I am just prolonging the pain, I was told I wont move on if I remain friends with him, which is what he can only give friendship nothing more, he now has a girlfriend which has now made me realise there is no hope of reconciling. I have been out with other guys, but they don't want to commit all good in the beginning then it ends as quickly as it starts, maybe I come across desperate as I don't want to be alone. I have realised now what is important to me finding the happiness within me and accept its ok to be single. I will however keep my options open and keep up the faith that I will find that true love I deserve. I enjoy reading your emails and always feel uplifted afterwards and I am not alone.
It's not stupid, Michelle. We move on when we're ready and not one moment before. Be loving and compassionate with yourself through this part, too. This too is part of the process, of the journey, of getting to where you want to be.
Hi Jane. It ended 2 days ago because he made it clear that he wanted to go on only with friendship. 8 months earlier, I was the one who had broken up because I wasn't getting the commitment I wanted , but I did this break up without a word, without saying anything, just leavin. Now, he came back only suggesting a friendship. I felt so hurt and so insulted because, while he was suggesting this "friendship", he ignored all what had happened between us. As if a stranger, another person was talking to me, without mentioning a word about our story. A kind of denial which left me speechless. He ended up saying : "I love our friendship". And I answered that I don't want it because it is not "up to what our story deserves". He said : I won't insist.
Now, my only question is : Do I remove him from my contacts on facebook ? We dont' live in the same place, so facebook was an important mean of communication. Or is it better to keep him and be totally indifferent with no interaction. I know that indifference is a good way to hurt him, to take a small revenge. But, after what he did, I don't want to send him a mixed signal by keeping him as a friend, as if I was still expecting something from him. Please don't tell me this is a futile detail. It is important for me to know, Jane. I need your advice on this
Jane. Thanks a lot. Kate
Hi Kate,
Don't let Facebook have that much control over how you're supposed to cope with the ending of your relationship. Facebook, and to a greater extent, should not have any control or bearing over how you choose to live your life.
Don't fall into the victim mentality that he let go of everything that you have to offer and nor let him have the power of making you feel like there is something lacking in your ability to lead a meaningful and loving relationship simply because he chose to be friends. The most important thing is not to take this personally. Think about what it was that made you choose to end things the first time around. You simply were not on the same page with him at the time and neither is he with you at this time either. Much easier said than done, but unless your story truly is meant to be a story between the two of you together, there is no sense.
Don't let the question of keeping him a friend on Facebook drive you to seek revenge either. Rather, in letting go of him, let him go in its entirety. Think of it this way, if Facebook never existed, would that change the outcome and how you chose to live your life after exiting him from it?
You have a full life ahead of you and a loving relationship with somebody who will want to be with you and vice versa and time spent on matters like this will only be counter productive in the long run and only keep you from being fully present in that moment and relationship when it arrives. Keep all yourself open and receptive for it and it will come to you.
Eric
Thanks for your insight here, Eric.
Do what you can live with, Kate. Do what works for you. Don't do it to hurt him or to take revenge on him; that only ends up hurting you more when all is said and done. Know that this is only as important as you want it to be; you're the one who decides that based on what works for you, not him. The only person who can give him all your power is you. And while some people are able to move on and ignore someone while still keeping things the same on Facebook and having constant reminders of what he is or isn't doing, that wouldn't be something I know I could ever do.
I do think that often a person would have done the same thing to anyone who happened to be in their line of fire at the time. For the most part, or a variation of the behavior, even if the other people are very different from one another. So there is nothing that any one person could have done to influence another to really behave any differently than they did. That's why it's important to know when it was really you, just a bad fit, or the other person's M.O. that resulted in the ending.
Thank you for adding this, Jackie.