One of our beautiful readers, Annie, is heartbroken after a recent break up, and is questioning whether she's just not meant to ever be in a loving relationship.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane,
It's been less than two months when I broke up with my ex who lied to me just about everything and cheated on me with number of people. In fact the 10 months he made me believe he loved me, he never did while I was in love with him.
He was honestly the worst person I've met. He broke my heart, took an advantage of me and it still hurts a lot.
Since then I have slowly started healing but this break up has made me almost lose hope sometimes.
I'm 35 almost 36 and not getting any younger.
I have also met not only one but many wrong guys and although some people always say I'm a relationship type person I seem to be alone year after year.
The last relationship being the tip of the ice berg of him taking advantage of me, of wrong person since I had been alone for a very long time before that also only having short 3 month things with other wrong people.
He chose wrong and it was unfair 'cause I am not like the others.
I'd rather be alone and happy than be trying to find someone through online dating or going to nightclubs and bars to look for someone. I don't need someone to hug me just for fun. If I ever meet someone it is because we share something in our hearts and that now brings me to question my life.
What if I am just not the relationship type of person?
I have always wanted to meet someone to share my life with and have a family but what if that is not meant for me? What if my other dream of travelling is what I am meant to do? Travel as much as I can but forget relationships, men etc.
What if the train has already left or the ship has sailed and I should focus on other things?
What if it is time to move on from thoughts of having a family and meeting the One? He is obviously avoiding me and the men I have met have only disappointed me. Sure I have learned a lot from them and especially from my ex which is type of person I've never met before.
The worst type that I didn't know even existed.
Anyways I did learn a lot from him and I'm grateful for that but since the break up I also have a lot of emotions and I'm confused. He also stole my happiness away from me.
I don't know if I should put myself out there again or focus on my dreams of travelling which is what makes me happy. To be honest I feel dreadful and anxious and all I wish is to forget and to get that feeling of happiness I had before I met my ex.
I was happy on my own living my life.
I had put my dreams of someone and a baby aside. I simply thought this is my life now, I might as well enjoy it without anyone. I was in a phase where I had rejected every guy I had met randomly and who just wanted a bit of fun. I was happy 'cause I wasn't wasting my time with players but waited that next person to come some day later in the future. Little did I know that when I met my ex and he seemed like a good guy he actually was a devil in disguise.
Now I feel like I'm back feeling the anxiety and trying to let go.
I feel angry and I also have started to think maybe I'm just not relationship type. Time goes fast and although there occasionally are some single men they start choosing younger women. Soon going on 36 I am not so interesting anymore.
So I don't know what I hope you to reply to me but perhaps all the things I believe in is just in my heart but world has changed and the love I wish for (both give and take) does not exist. Maybe that kind person who has stayed true to himself and has a good healthy heart is not out there anymore? Cause he is either married or taken or I was never meant to meet him?
I do try to stay positive and never going to give up on love but what if?
I'm happy for my family and friends who have met the person they can share their life with and I wish everyone the best. For all single girls out there I hope they meet their right match.
Thank you for your encouraging articles and happy New Year!
Regards,
Annie
My Response:
Dear Annie,
Your letter struck such a chord in me, for so many reasons, but mostly because I could have said your same words not too long ago.
On one of those nights when everything seemed darker with the ending of a relationship that showed so much promise and potential. Alone and with no real prospects in sight, I uttered those same words to the only friend who could understand what it feels like to be in that place.
What if I've been born at the wrong time in a place where what I'm looking for and what I'm all about isn't what anyone else is looking for? What if I'm not meant to be in a relationship, what if my dream isn't relevant anymore and this isn't part of the plan for my life?
What if I'm fighting against something that isn't meant to be, and I should just resign myself to accepting that all the ones who would be right are already taken and there's no one left for me?
"No," she told me emphatically, "you can't be born in the wrong time and place. Life can't be that cruel to play that kind of a joke on you, when you have so much love to give, when this longing is such a real part of you. There's got to be something more."
No, there's not any cruel act of fate that's decided you're not ever going to be in a relationship. In fact fate, the universe, God - whatever you'd like to call "it" - wants only one thing for you - LOVE.
It's we humans that mess things up with our choices based on our programming from before we were old enough to even remember.
It's not up to anyone else, it's only up to you. It's about you deciding what you want for your life.
No, this guy wasn't the one. And the first place you've gone to is that place within you where you're blaming yourself for what you didn't know, for what you feel you "should " have seen, for all those things you see now so clearly, with that gift of hindsight.
Forgiveness. Love. Compassion. Understanding. Gentleness. Those are the places I want you to go instead. For you!
You didn't know, Annie. You couldn't see it coming. What you saw instead was something he created, that he wanted you to see.
It wasn't your fault.
If you want your dream, don't buy into a story that takes that away from you, that has you giving up on the very thing you want in the name of fate. No one is ever not meant to be in a relationship if that's their true heart's desire. Go travel, go do what you love, follow your beautiful heart's desire, but hold onto your dream, your belief, that you're meant for love. Because you are.
How do I know? Because we ALL are meant for love. It's what we're made for.
You're still that same beautiful woman you were before you met him if you will only allow yourself to be! Don't take on what isn't yours.
Don't let him – or anyone else do this to you. Give it back to him, every single part that you feel he took from you.
He can't take anything away from you that you don't allow him to. Yes, it might feel that way. Yes, it makes for a great story that makes you the victim and takes away your power to choose by blaming it on some force beyond your control, but if real love with a husband and a family is what you want, then don't accept anything less than that.
He didn't take your happiness away unless you gave it to him. He can't do anything that you don't allow him to. That's how powerful you are even if it doesn't feel like it. Take it back! I know just how hard it is to see this, but he's given you a gift. The gift of a broken heart. Because imagine how much worse things would be if this happened five or ten or fifteen years down the road!
Doesn't that change things when you recognize that?
Now change that story of "I want a husband and a family but I'm afraid I'm never going to find it", to the one that says that I know he's out there, but I haven't seen him because I haven't known what to look for.
And then start looking for you, for that beautiful woman you are, reflected back to you in the most caring, loving, giving eyes of a man that you've never known before. The one who's perfect for you.
He's not on your radar because you've been looking for something else. For something that fits someone else's story for your life. Give that one back to them, too. It's time for your new story. The one that reflects your own heart, your own passion, your own desires.
What do you want your relationship with him to look like? What qualities does he possess? What does it feel like to be with him? What are his values? Imagine him completely in your mind, and know that you're going to meet him, and soon.
That's how you change your story.
Don't let someone who wasn't capable of giving you anything more than what he was leave you settling for so much less than you know in your heart of hearts you deserve! Feel your power, take it with you wherever you go. You've got an amazing life ahead of you, Annie. It's so clear from here!
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other advice or words of encouragement for our beautiful friend, Annie? Share them with us in the comments!
With the very big change in the women today from the past, which really does make it very difficult for many of us single men today unfortunately.
Thank you Jane for your reply very kind of you I do so hope I meet my miss right some day
Chris
With so many women today that have their independence since they just don't want a man anymore, really does make it very difficult for many of us men to find love now unfortunately. So many women have have their very high unrealistic expectations, along with very high standards as well. And with so many career women nowadays that are making a six figure salary, they now act like their all that too. So these are very excellent reasons why so many of us single men can't find love at all, now that the women today are the very complete opposite from the past when finding love back then would had been much easier with no trouble at all. A very big change in the women today unfortunately.
Women have healthy expectations and standards for how they should be treated with respect, for a man's character and integrity, for feeling emotionally safe. Instead of whining and complaining about how women have such high standards, maybe try to be a better man, a better person, and maybe you'll find someone.
Hi everyone I've just gone through a very similar situation I fell hook line and sinker for a girl she was all I'd ever wanted in a girl it felt perfect to me I gave my heart and soul to the relationship but she ended it last week and absolutely broke my heart I just don't understand we're things go wrong when you both seem very happy and in love and the hard part is she said to me when she broke it off on the phone was I wish I'd never met you which sticks in my mind I just feel now I'll always be alone and never meet my lover and best friend that will be the one for me for the rest of my life I've been married got 2 young children all I want is to love someone and be loved back
Good luck to all of you we all deserve some happiness
Cookie 5
As do you, Chris. Remember that when you're heart is breaking is never a good time to judge the future and whether or not you'll always be alone, so don't go there right now. Someone who could end up like this is obviously not on the same page as you, so as hard as it is to see that when it seemed like everything was so wonderful, trust that you've been saved from more heartbreak down the road. It never feels like a gift when we're going through it, but on the other side of it, one day you will absolutely see that it is!
Well lets face it, many of us have been in bad relationships which makes it very hard to connect with the right person for both men and women these days. Then there are many of us that Don't want to get married anymore especially when we were Married twice already which many of us Weren't at fault why are marriages Failed unfortunately. Remember it Takes Two To Tango as they say to make the marriage work. My first wife Cheated on me which i was a very Good Husband that was very Committed to her and showed her a lot of love and respect as well which it still Wasn't Good Enough for her. She turned out to be a real Low Life that i Never knew to begin with. The second wife was Bi Polar which i Never even knew until a few years after we were married and her daughter had Autism which as you can see i really had my hands full there. Now Single again and will proceed with caution.
Then just make friends, Paul. Find your tribe. Focus on getting to know one more person out of the millions in this beautiful, big world of ours. If we make it about the destination instead of the journey, it's no wonder we get overwhelmed and discouraged along the way. It sounds like you've been through a lot. My heart goes out to you; I'll bet you've risen to the occasion and been quite the father to your sweet daughter because of all this. Hang in there. That you're here tells me the best is still to come.
Thank you very much for your support. Have a good holiday. Peace.
Thank you, Paul. You're so very welcome. And to you, too!
Always so good to read these stories! I recently went through a string of bad dating situations with 3 different men within a year and it hurts like hell. The second one really did a number on my self esteem so when I met the third one, I told him how scared I was that he'd do what the last one did. It was going well and I was happy and I hoped that he'd reassure me that he was different but instead he did exactly what the last guy did. So now I feel worthless, started to tell myself that no one will ever love me or even like me. It starts to feel uncomfortable when men compliment me now. Before I was confident and loved to hear compliments, now it feels like some cruel joke. I lower my head a lot when ever it happens. I'm sure this feeling will pass once I rebuild my self esteem but I don't want to meet another man whose going to tear that down again. More and more I want to be alone and sometimes despise and hate men. But I have so much love to give. It's hard to find but I know it's buried down there somewhere. I love children and I want nothing more than to have a family but it seems the only thing I have going for me is my career. My career seems to be taking off like a rocket ship! So I'm pushing my nose into my work life and ignoring everyone and everything else around me. I never dreamed of becoming a workaholic type of woman but being a workaholic feels like a safe place to hide. At least I feel good about it. I wish it wasn't so hard though. Can't believe it's this difficult to just find a lover and a friend to talk to and to love. Seems like it should be the easiest thing in the world but it's mostly been frustrating and soul crushing.
Good guys finish Last all the time Unfortunately.
My all dear sisters here' hope you all are doing well.
(please ignore my mistakes as english is a second language to me)
First of all , I want to tell you that you all who are going through toughtimes in life' all of you are amazing beautiful extremely talented women. but more important here is you need to tell this to yourself. you have to love yourself .value yourself . analyse your own worth. if you once realized how much precious you are you will not give the chance to any wrong guy to take any kind of advantage of you in any way. Don't let to yourself fall for the wrong guys. wait for the right one. have hope if it is meant to be for you it will happen. if there is someone for you in this world, meant to be sent here only for you , no matter where you go what you do , one day he will appear right in front of you from the least expected corner of the world. and if it isn't meant for you ' no matter what you do ' you not going to get it my dear lovely sister. You are more precious you deserve more that just to be played over by wrong hands . and even if theres no one'till you have waited enough ' there's always your Creator' No matter in what form you pray' to him, as a jew ' as achiristian ' asabuddhist 'asa hindu'as a muslim. No matter what your pattern of connecting to him is, ' He has always been there watching over you. Ask him to show you the right path ' to show your heart the path you should follow . u ill be answered.
He knows it hurts , He knows u r broken, He knows u r vulnerable, He knows u r alone, It is said that God loves humans more than love of 100 mothers sumed up.then y u r going through such difficult situation. the answer is to make you realize what you have been missing '' and that is expecting Love from others ur for the time being boyfriend ' partner 'but u don't get what you expected . so its clear it wasn't worth it. they were not the right people u have been with' so they din't realize ur actual worth and left a gem. U need to be strong ' to be aware of urself own worth ' to not let any such people to ever take advantage of u' . So God has put u here in this situation to give sense of worth for urself . to not waste ur precious feelings for those who dont deserve it. to make the mist of ur life by chasing ur dreals in terls of ur career or whatever u want to do 'to be able to make urself happy by ur own ' not to be emotionally dependant on a man for ur happiness. When ur heart breaks ' there's nothing that works ' u might want immediately another man hoping to make u forget that existing agony and in that hope u start looking around and there's the mistake u eventually again give the chance to the very much worse match again available at that time. Don't do that. I beg you . u ill only land urself in more pain. just concentrate on some other things hobbies / job / anything that keeps u busy to forget about this dating thing for awhile. In 6-7 months u ill be fine' ur wounds would be healed . at that time you would in a better in position to decide what you want for your life.to be fooked over used over again and again or just be by urself until you dont meet exactly your type of guy. it may happen u ill never meet him . Movies world love cliche not necessarily going to happen in real life. So here's the need is to Love urself , Value urself and to know theres God who always will love you no matter if you haven't even given few minutes to him out of ur whole lifetime period. May u all have what ur hearts desire for. Ameen
My all dear sisters here' hope you all are doing well.
(please ignore my mistakes as english is a second language to me)
First of all , I want to tell you that you all who are going through toughtimes in life' all of you are amazing beautiful extremely talented women. but more important here is you need to tell this to yourself. you have to love yourself .value yourself . analyse your own worth. if you once realized how much precious you are you will not give the chance to any wrong guy to take any kind of advantage of you in any way. Don't let to yourself fall for the wrong guys. wait for the right one. have hope if it is meant to be for you it will happen. if there is someone for you in this world, meant to be sent here only for you , no matter where you go what you do , one day he will appear right in front of you from the least expected corner of the world. and if it isn't meant for you ' no matter what you do ' you not going to get it my dear lovely sister. You are more precious you deserve more that just to be played over by wrong hands . and even if theres no one'till you have waited enough ' there's always your Creator' No matter in what form you pray' to him, as a jew ' as achiristian ' asabuddhist 'asa hindu'as a muslim. No matter what your pattern of connecting to him is, ' He has always been there watching over you. Ask him to show you the right path ' to show your heart the path you should follow . u ill be answered.
Well with so many women today that are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, and very greedy, really speaks for itself as to why many of us good single men are still alone today which there is no reason to blame ourselves, and many of us are certainly Not single by choice.
It sounds like you've been badly hurt before, TryingtobeRealHonest. I have many wonderful male clients who've been there, too. There are so many other kinds of women out there looking for someone just like you so don't despair, and certainly don't blame yourself; empower yourself instead to find the places and people and activities that reflect more of who you are and what you have to offer. You deserve nothing less.
To Jane, thank you for your support.
You're so welcome, Trying; it's always here for you.
I wouldn't deliberately give a person false hope just because they act like a lost puppy in order to manipulate people's emotions so they'll tell them what they want to hear - and I'm not going to start now.
There are enough people in this life - past and present - who have never been loved and never will be. There are plenty who have spent their entire lives alone and died alone and it wasn't for lack of trying or because they weren't attractive enough or smart enough or funny enough.
There will always be people who are forced to live their lives without 'true love' and 'happily ever after'. As to the question of whether they're "just not meant to be loved" isn't a question anyone can answer in all truthfulness, because nobody has the answer to that...but it does seem as though that's the case.
Sometimes life is just stupid and cruel and unjust. That's the simple truth of the matter and there's no point dressing it up and pretending things are any different.
My advice to those whining about reality is to get a pet.
We will always see what we want to see, Jaqui. Like anything else, there is love for each and every one of us if we're open and willing to be honest with ourselves about what's holding us back from seeing that love. The only truth that matters is the one you choose to believe.
Sorry, Wayne, you took it personal. I did not mean you, I meant those kind of pathetic guys who are only good to drink, gamble and entertain themselves at clubs, bars and one night stands. I wish they did not exist, but unfortunately they do more and more in our days.
Dear Annie,
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.(Isaiah 55:9)..Sometimes we don't understand why something is happening ...that's the works of the universe to help us in our destiny we can't control People we can't control any Circumstances but there is a something that you can control under your jurisdiction. its your thoughts its your Faith its your Hope its your Heart...i know that One day you met the right one at God perfect time..we love you..i love you
Love:Kristine♥
Thank you for the comments!
Every day gone by it gets a bit easier.Although I shed a tear or two yesterday I feel little bit better. I know he is not a good person and part of me still have wanted to cling onto him in many ways with different excuses but as the sun rises again and I face a new day I feel more like you said Nina "like weight is slowly lifted off my shoulder". I feel little bit more better, little bit happier and little bit luckier I have so many opportunities ahead of me.
Letting go has been hard and the storm is rough but once I start letting go it is like the storm slowly starts to pass, the clouds start to apart and sun slowly comes out. 🙂 Then I actually start feeling free and very blessed I'm here living these moments right now and getting great advises from this blog I once came across with.
-Annie
Long distance relationships are always complex and very rearly completely exclusive. This guy seems to be a bad idea in general, since he wanted to get things from you, not nourish and support you. Sometimes we make that wrong judgement. It is easy to make a mistake, especially since everyone seems to be so fascinating at a good amount of distance. I have made that sort of mistake twice. Yet, I realised it was my mistake, my ignoring red flags and being too dreamy, too far from reality of things. Yet, once I got all the facts streight and could see a clear picture I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, cause let's admit it, long distance relationships are difficult to maintain over long period of time.
Thank you so much for Jane and thank you for Angel and Nina! I guess the process of forgiving and accepting takes time. I think the most difficult is to let go of that person. Even though I know he is not a good man I wish he would apologise, I wish he would say I'm sorry I hurt you but he never does and even if I have wished him well, he never replied.
Sometimes accepting what happened is even harder especially because I have had my fair share of men who were not ready to commit. Also because I really spent time of accepting being alone, taking things easy and not looking for anyone before I even met him. I felt it was only way to live and I was so happy when I finally heard that tiny voice disappearing from my mind which was constantly reminding me that if I don't do anything and look for anyone I will end up alone. I was just so happy I was finally calm and brave doing my own thing, not needing to be afraid of being alone while travelling or alone in any situation. Then I met him and I wonder what happened, wasn't I meant to go forward meeting better men and not the worse.
When it comes to my ex he is definitely something else but even though he is some kind of sociopath I still have memories of what his friend told me after me and and another girl found out about each other, that he was sorry that the relationship with the girl he was seeing (during the last weeks of our relationship) went bonkers. When I heard those words, my heart sank and I felt so bad. The memory of those words still hunt me. I sometimes still feel a sting in my heart, I mean he still cared about her but what about me? I was kind to him, helped him and did almost everything for him and he tossed me aside like an old cloth.
What you don't know is that I actually found out about all the lies etc. when I was visiting him. Nina asked if he was there for me. No, he was not. About two days later I went to visit him he suddenly started disappearing and coming up with absolutely unbelievable excuses why he wasn't spending time with me. It was hard time for me. I had almost no one I knew at that place and here I was left abandoned by my so called boyfriend who I had come to visit. I was beyond sad but then started finding out his lies and in the I caught him red handed. In fact now I'm memorizing this, I feel chills down my spine.
It was all a long distance thing with someone who was just so wrong from the beginning but I wanted to believe it could work since he seemed so different from the beginning. He seemed like I had met someone like myself, someone who still believed in real love and who had same values. Little did I know he was lying to me all along and using me because he thought I was wealthy.
It is also true that along the way in the long distance I started thinking of breaking up with him. I probably even said something about it but he still made me believe his words and I decided to see what would happen when I visited him. I also had doubts 'cause it seemed almost too perfect and I got a funny feeling something was going on about 5 weeks before my visit. I also asked him many times if everything was fine and should I change my plans but he never mentioned about anything being wrong. No, because I had helped him to get something online and he was waiting to get his stuff from me!
So there you go, Finding out that someone who you truly believed in was never the person you thought he was and then finding out all the lies and that the person probably never loved you in the first place, hurts the most. Because to me it has been the most unfair thing that has happened. Someone I trusted going under my skin and making me believe he was my prince Charming.
I know you may think I'm a fool of helping him especially with money but I was in love with him and wanted to follow my heart and be open. Although it did turn out to be a complete scam I am glad I was able to fall in love and be open because that is what they say "Never close your heart" and I never did.
There is a possibility of meeting someone anywhere but since I'm now focusing on my job and I need to learn to be happy on my own I am not looking.
All the best and once again I am very happy for your support!
Lots of love!
-Annie
You're never a fool, Annie. The things we do for love are unique to each of us, but we've all been there, unable to see the reality of what is because of what we so want to believe - and what we've been led to believe about love conquering all, about what love can do. Oh it can, but the reality instead, is that it always, always takes two.
So he might have messed up with other women...upsetting as I know it is, it might be not the end of the world, your love life or even your relationship. Even a strong couple like Will and Kate went through a period in their relationship, where Kate complained that he did not have time for her at all because of all the other women. I strongly suspect that nearly all attractive men go through this stage. If you really want a guy that will never be tempted by other girls you will probably have to settle for a loser, that no other woman wants. I think the key is to ubderstand that at some points of your relatiobship it is fairly normal, not overreact to it, keep an open mind, be patient, keeo your options open and your position clear. Try to even see it as an opportunity to improve your relationship, have fun, guve yourself a little space to do things you like and look on the bright side. OK, so there were other gals ib picture, did he still see you, make time regularly for you, was nice to you, said he loved you? If so, it might just as well be true. He may be still a bit confused and messed up especially in the beginning of a relationship, but gice him time and he might figure it out. I think him messing up with other women really only becones a problem if he starts neglecting or mustreating you because of those other women. Other then that there always will be other women around and there pretty much is no guy, who never gets tempted, so we need to keep that cool...
Sorry, but nobody is a loser.
I agree, Wayne.
Ah, and also, take care of yourself, be daring and unconventional and never think that it might be too late, I have known people, who found their true love when they were 55 or even close to 65. Everything before that was just a challenging experience, and no, it is never too late.
I think travelling and doing business is a great way to meet new people and high profile men. Stay open to new opportunities, do not close your mind and your heart, Annie, and love will find you all over the place.
Hello everyone!
I am so surprised to see all your comments! Thank you Jane for sharing my letter. I had tears in my eyes when I was reading your reply. Then thank you Angel, you have replied to my comments before also and I always feel inspired to read them! Thank you Sky because actually what you said about facing the fear was exactly what I had been practicing before I met my ex. I will continue facing my fears, accepting and letting go on the need to control my life. After all that is the only way I know I will be happy and calm again.
My past relationship was something I had not known even existed. When I said he lied I meant he deceived me in fact although he told me he loved me he probably never did. He was indeed a pathological liar. Not only did he cheat on me with one girl, he cheated at least four girls as that's how many women he had at the same time. And why he pursuited me was for my background. So you may guess now this was no ordinary dating with a guy from next door and it was easy for him since I had been practicing kindness and following my heart for a couple of years then. I'm also very open person so when I thought I had met a person who was like minded he was actually mirroing me. When I did fall in love, I actually fell in love with my dreams or even myself 'cause he only copied me. So when he said we both travel, he meant I travel and perhaps he could use me in some way.
Anyways I am still in the process of forgiving him. Although I am very busy with a new work assignment that takes me on business travels outside the country I still think about him every night and question how can a person act and be like that. I just simply don't understand and it is so hard that although he did wrong to me this person seems to get away with it maybe. For sure my ex will continue his play again but I dont care then anymore 'cause already I have other things going on in my life like my work now.
So although I feel like the men I have met are just going from bad to worse I still never want to give up on love and I'm focusing on my career now.But then the questions or the fear of what if my job and my desire to travel (on business and on holidays) is preventing me to meet that right person? What if I was meant to continue building my career and continue my travels without having a man and a family? After all Quite often I see that some people who don't have this urge to go and explore the world and are settled down, more often have that relationship and family. So what if I am choosing the other option subconciously?
I know this is my fear and that I will need to face it and continue my life. It will be hard but I have done it before and I think I also have learned what I am and what I want in my future boyfriend. When in doubt and every time I feel sad or lonely, I will turn to this blog because since for a few years now you Jane have helped me so much and I am so grateful that also so many people commented. You truly have giving me more courage and strength to live my life happy on my own. 🙂
All the best and may your hearts resonate happiness and love <3
-Annie
I'm so glad you've been able to experience all the love and support in the responses to your letter, Annie. It's not easy to go through what you've been through alone, but as you can see, you've so not alone!
Thank you for sharing, for being a part of this community. There is so much more to come for you, Annie; be your beautiful true self, let that beautiful light of yours shine and all your answers will become clear to you along the way. 🙂
I'm so glad we've been able to help, Annie. We're all struggling, we're not alone even if we think we are.
Big hug to you
I will advice you just go for what makes you happy,no one can ever be incharge of your happiness except you,so,live your life and forget what might have happened in the past and face the future..I believe you are meant to find love because that's the way we were made. Goodluck dear.
Annie I no how u feel the same thing that happened to u has happened to me yes its hard and I no why u are going through please don't give up on love I'm not I take it day by day I always said why if if u pray to God every night he's gonna help u I'm not giving up on love I'm going to continue to find Mr right I'll be 4s yes old in 5 months and I no that man is out there Annie take it day by day but u got to give it back or the keep the power forgive him baby then forgive yourself and move on I hope this finds u love always arlene
I saw her as smart, a no nonsense customer service manager, sensible, dignified, a sultry personality with a smokey look. Not a Lauren Becall but you get the idea. (she did smoke but was discreet. I am a former marathon runner who never thought I would fall for a half a pack a day habit who drank 18-24 beer a week). Proof that I overlooked a lot...because I loved her.
Most of those things about her were true, but an extreme independent mindset with a cool, harsh heart came with the package. She was careful in the beginning to not allow that independence to define her. Her confident nature allows her to deal internally with her coldness, and be confident that her behaviour is just fine.
I think she enjoyed all the attention and special treatment I gave her for awhile, even though she was very miserly with words of kindness and warm affection towards me in the end.
She had a lot going on just behind the scenes. Beyond what I saw. And she was very critical of others, even friends. Being human, I was bound to make a mistake but I thought I was different from the men in her past who were summarily dismissed with efficiency. I was wrong about that, too.
I only saw what I wanted but I also saw what she created...what she wanted me to see. Until she no longer wanted me to see that. It left me in a vacuum. Simply because I wanted something so bad, I was fooled onto seeing just what she wanted. By her and me. Because I wanted it to work.
It's interesting that you mention she was very critical of everyone, Wayne, even her friends. It wasn't just you. And I wouldn't be surprised if she represented someone to you who was also very critical of you. It might be why you're having a hard time letter her go, not just because it's her, but also because of who else she represented to you.
I'm coming to a conclusion, that perhapse we need to adopt a culture, where friends and family would be involved in matching young people up. This is what good, rich and high class families do anyway. They don't want their children to bring someone from the street, so they cooperate between a bunch of families and friends, organise outings and socual gatherings for young people to see if some couples will emerge. Then they encourage those couples to settle down. I guess the problem is that with so many options available to young people these days settling down part is hard to do. So young people might go to those gatherings, yet look for partners online or in night clubs, where they can avoid committments.
If they would go. Most of us - especially young people - want our freedom to choose whoever we want to until we discover way down the road that there might be a better way. That's a tough one, Nina, and probably with ample support for both sides. That's where my mission comes in. I'm hoping to help women of all ages recognize these things as early as we can, before the heartbreak and the damage that hurts so much is done.
I think three problems that may be the case here are overreacting to things, judging people too harshly, and/or perhapse having unrealistic vision about what love is all about. And yes, some people, who keep doing that perhapse are not ment to find love untill they change something. I would probably know better which one has happebed in this case if I had more details, but all that the young lady mentioned about the problem was "he lied". And it might be totally true in her case, but it all depends what he lied about. Something unimprortant? Then maybe talk about it and forgive him. Seing other women? Then it all depends again. Were they maybe old friends whom he could not just dump for somebidy he met a few months ago. Perhapse again there is some room there to understand and forgive. But let's say he just left her for a younger woman and she is perfectly in the right to be upset, because he made her believe they were in an exclusive committed relationship. In that case I guess, there's a lesson to learn here: don't be exclysive with a guy too soon. Befire you put all your hopes and aspiratiobs in one busket take some time to get to know him and give him a chance to get to know you beforwle he gives you those big promises. A promise of eternal love from a man you recently met is sweet, but needs to be duscounted a bit, not as a total lie, but just for the pure fact that the guy does not know you yet and therefore has pretty much no clue what he is talking about. And all those guys who were rejected because they were labelled "players" perhapse they were not "just players", but rather "honest players". They did not want to cultivate big expectations in a woman they have just met. They wanted to take their time to get to know her through playing and then decide if they could be couple once they know what they are getting themselves into, rather then woo her right away with big promises and then break her heart.
Anyway, thise are jyst sone ideas. I might be wrong. Dating world is complex. But don't you wish sonetimes we were lije India, where parents would chise your spouse aND have a wedding arranged, so that you find yourself married withing a week to your cousin, ir soneone you don't even know at all?
And I've heard those arranged marriages generally make for happier marriages, Nina, although, I'm not sure if the real-life stories of those who've experienced the opposite and have no other choice would agree.
Annie,life is beautiful ,power to change your future is on your hand.dont give up your life,your beautiful dream one day you going to find true love and right man.God's time is always the best,keep moving
Thank you for adding your sentiments here for Annie, Isaac.
Actually i am thinking the same thing .but im giving up on finding love period. The guy i want doesnt exist
And if you change your mind or catch a glimpse of yourself reflected in someone's loving, caring, gentle face along the way, I'd love to hear about it, Melissa.
Annie, I telling you from experience, YES it hard to want something so badly that it hurts when things go the other way, but I am a testimony that it gets better!! We stop our selves from happiness and love by giving our power to someone else. Annie as Jane said "take your power back" No man deserve that!! Time heals all wounds just stop picking at them!!! I am dating this guy that is everything I have asked for in a relationship. Annie do you, take trip, do what you enjoy doing that is when you will find someone that enjoy you!! We attract what and where we are in life!! Pay Attention!!! Don't stop loving you!!!
"Time heals all wounds just stop picking at them!!!"
I love this! So true!
So true, RealDavis. And I'm so happy to have this update from you! You deserve nothing less than someone like this, who can actually give you everything you've asked for in a relationship! 🙂
I am going to repost what i posted on your blog late last night, because this letter is almost word for word the thoughts that have gone through my mind. While I took a very radical approach to this situation that may not work with most people, I still wanted to share it because it is working big for me. Not trying to encourage anyone to give up, but rather to learn to let go or face their fears perhaps?
Hello Jane,
I have been following your blog for a while, and I wanted to share my progress. I've been mostly single for about 6 years, with a handful of potentials that fizzled out or things that wouldn't work for a variety of reasons.
I swear Jane, I tried everything to make love happen. I tried actively looking. That led no where. I tried not looking, and focusing on myself and my life, that didnt work. I would make amazing friends and a thrilling life but no sign of a relationship. I waited and waited, surely my match was right around the corner, surely destiny was waiting for the perfect moment to bring us together. I purposely stopped looking, it happens when you stop looking right?? But it never happened. Year after year it didnt happen. Not looking didnt work. Maybe I needed to actively look, sort of like finding a job. You dont just wait for a job to appear, you have to actively seek it right? Well... looking didnt work either. None of the advice worked. While all around me everyone else was finding it so easily and effortlessly. Even this blog was mostly geared to people in wrong relationships, but I couldn't even get a wrong relationship, I just had nothing! I began to wonder what was wrong with me, why everybody was getting this but me, why I was meant, cursed, doomed to be alone forever!
I found myself doing so many things you've mentioned, chasing after people, getting into cycles of panic as they withdrew (and acting so not-myself) that they would withrdaw even more. I did things wrong. I did things right. But no relationship, nothing I would do would work, and I was miserable. It felt so unfair, I would get so lonely, so unhappy. And at some point I began to realize how horrifying it was that I was cursed to be alone forever. The more the probability of beign alone for life crept into my reality, the more the loneliness overwhelmed me and the more the panic would drive me into any sort of action. With no results.
And eventually I decided to do something the exact opposite of everything I ever read. All the positive thinking wasn't working. All the visualization wasn't working. And the fear was real and overwhelming. I kept running from it, but it wasn't working. So eventually I decided to stop and do the exact opposite.
I faced it. I faced and accepted it. I looked at the fear, that I would end up alone for life, and completely accepted it. I embraced it, and it burned like hot coals in my soul. A part of me screamed "No, don't expect the worst keep visualizing the best!" But part of me realized that this fear was so strong and buried deep in my subconscious and was the cause of so much of my misery, my fear, my worry, my loneliness, that i needed to STOP running from it.
So I kept embracing it. I began to do the opposite. I grasped those hot coals. I started imagining and embracing my life alone. I accepted I would be on my own for life. That I was meant to be on my own for life. I grieved as I did this, but I stopped running, stopped resisting, stopped fighting, and brought all these emotions up to the surface.
I did this for a while, I'm not sure how long. It was not easy, it was a rough process and a lot of weird feelings and fears about life, destinity, the universe, and my own personal inadequacies bubbled to the surface. And one day I realized something interesting had happened. I wasn't lonely anymore. I wasn't desperately looking. I wasn't scared that I was going to fail what I once considered the most important thing in life. I stopped wondering what was wrong with me, I stopped wondering what everyone had that I didn't. I stopped struggling and fighting and worrying. This fear deep within me gradually vanished.
I can't say any miracles happened. No magic soulmate appeared as soon as I did this. But the thing is, I don't care! I no longer am looking constantly for my destined soulmate, or grudging against the universe for my cursed aloneness. It's the dead of winter now, the time when the loneliness becomes so overwhelming for me, and this year I feel fine! The coals burning in my soul are gone!
Alone until the end? I've accepted it, hell I've embraced it! I'm not closed against any possibilities if they arrive, but, I'm happy, stable, and feel complete with the possibility of never finding my soulmate. And even if I'm "alone" for life, I'll never really be alone 🙂 If anything, it has just given me complete control of my life to live and love it the exact way I want, and make it something incredible and just for me!
Interesting how that happened huh? 🙂 No idea how long this will last, but it is wonderful for now 🙂
I thought I would share this story, even if it is way low on the blog comments. Surely this method wont work for everyone, but maybe somebody in the world will read and gain something from the idea of truly accepting one of their greatest fears.
I haven't checked your blog much since this happened, but I love your articles, and your positive energy and light that shines through in all your posts and responses! Thank you for being a shining light and helping so many people with your wonderful blog and your on point advice!!!
Sky11
oh Sky, I can't even tell you how much your words here inspired me. I had tears in my eyes reading them, feeling what you were saying, feeling the depth of how deep all of this was for you, reliving so much of my own past experiences where I felt so much of what you felt and came to such similar realizations in my own journey. I've gotten to know you little by little since you've come on here and been such a beautiful part of this community. You always asked the questions that showed there was so much more underneath for you, and you kept me digging deep into my own answers to try to find just the thing to resonate with you. I sensed so much more, and here, in your story, you have filled in all the missing pieces. I am so excited for you!
Excited because you have discovered this for yourself in the only way that can make a difference. When you take all the little parts that you pick up from all different places that resonate even just a little with you, and you run with them on your own. You see them for yourself in a way only you can. You make this your own personal new way of being in the world and not a one-size-fits-all solution that you try to make work for you. It's from this place that the possibility of anything and everything comes into play. And it's an exciting place to be. Don't worry if you still have your ups and downs, that's all a part of accepting yourself for the beautiful human being you are. It's the foundation that's solid - the you that now knows there's nothing to fear.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey and inspiring us all. And thank you for your kind words. It's because of you and all the other beautiful women just like you that I'm here. I wouldn't want to have missed this for the world! 🙂
Thank you for sharing Annie and for your comments and experiences Sky. I'm a long time reader and this is my first post. As a 36 year old who shares a similar story to Annie's, I have recently met some people who see past my happy spirited self, people who cared enough to tell me to own those deep sorrows and disappointments in love and life. I thought I masked it so well but to these people who haven't known me for long, them wholeheartedly suggesting I face my fears and heartbreaks, feels liberating. Reading Annie's letter has helped me further express my own sentiments and reflections on this journey of mine.
I'm currently travelling North America (from Australia) on my own. I've been fulfilling my passions for travel sometime now and do it whenever possible. I do it almost solo (as I meet so many kind, like minded souls that the lonelier days are always outweighed by wonderful encounters with new friends). It's very fulfilling as I have yet to have a reciprocal love and a family to call my own. Although doubt has crept into my mind every so often, I'm certain deep in my heart too that we are all destined for our true love but until then let's be happy fulfilling our dreams.
Beautifully said, Wendy. Thank you for sharing your own story and experiences. I recently read something that talked about how often we look to being happy as everything, as if all of the other emotions and feelings we feel are of no value or purpose. But in reality, they can provide such a rich opportunity for us to really get to know ourselves better if we choose instead to embrace these other feelings as they come up, letting them have a place in our lives to show us what they have to help us grow, and not being so quick to dismiss them or squash them down.
It makes sense, when we consider how much being happy is positively reinforced for us from the time we're children, babies really, from when we're told "not to cry", and to "look on the bright side", and sent the clear message that the happier we are, the more everyone loves us and accepts us. Is it any wonder than, that we long to be loved and validated for every part of us, including those parts of us that hold the deep sorrows and disappointments in love and life.
It's no wonder, then, that you're finding this liberating. To be known like this, to be accepted like this, to feel the love and acceptance from these people you've only just met who've allowed you to see these parts of you that have longed to be known, to be expressed to show you more, to give you more of who you are and what you're all about, to provide a place for you to discover what you couldn't have any other way than following your heart and going on this journey that called to you. Inspiring indeed! 🙂
I have certainly felt like I would never find a reciprocal love that was healthy for me. I kept choosing poorly. Last year I finally got to the root of my patterns and beliefs in therapy and met an amazing man 7 months ago. I reluctantly tried online dating and after a few first dates that went nowhere with other men, I met him. I should be honest and say that I didn't think it would work after the first date. He wasn't my type! Ha! I also knew he had been nervous and decided to give it a second chance. Thank god I did. Yes, he wasn't my type and that was good. My type had always been charming but distant and evasive. Here was a guy who was genuine and kind and truly emotionally available. Lucky me. We are both ridiculously happy. I am 42 and he is 43 and we both thought we might never find this. We are both incredibly emotionally generous with one another. It's amazing!
AND...I had started Jane's course a few weeks before I met him. I am sure that helped as well! Thanks Jane!
How inspiring to have this update from you, Tracy! Thank you so much for sharing your news here to inspire us all on what is possible for every single one of us. I'm so happy for you and thrilled that you were willing to take a chance on a type that wasn't your usual type and discover happiness instead of a type! "We are both ridiculously happy." - So thrilled for you! 🙂
Oh how understand her story!
I have been divorced fur 14yrs. All I have found was emotional unavailable men and finding my self with self doubt and hurt . Now I working on me learning to love ! I want love but I don't want to settle . Im 46 its hard but so sick of finding the wrong ones or they seek me out somehow. But I will just keep loving me . Just work on your self and love your self first.
That's how it happens, Denise. Slowly but surely when we change what we've always done and always seen, and start to see the beautiful woman who's been waiting for us to see her all along. There is a different kind of man out there, and he's looking for you and wondering where you've been all his life, too!
Hi.
Great letter to show us. Who hasnt questioned all of these questions that Annie has. I have.
I have to be honest Annie, so don't take it the wrong way.
You are going to fast with a man.
Date him and see the first 6 months, if it is what you want. I see myself in you. Because when you meet a man, you can fall quickly in love. When you fall for a guy quick, you loose a bit of logic and you can't see clear. If he is good in bed, you can loose your mind 🙂
10 months is not a lot. You know a person the first and second year. Love can come and go. It can cheat on you, he can die, he can just leave, he can go to jail etc.
So I think it is very not realistic to say If u fall in love, he will Always be there! That it will be forever.
This is fighting with reality.
I do believe what Jane says, you deserve love, kindness, funtime, conversations. Yes you do! I do too!
I used to think like you about dating and finding "him".
But guess what you are the one who attracts these men.
You want to travel, google travel trips in your area for singles. Why? Why not....
Internet is a huge source to find more people and activities!
You want to have conversations with a guy? Why don't you ask a man to go out with you to a certain movie or meeting... And chat about it..
What I am trying to say, date where you feel "Annie" where you can have fun, and he will just go along with you.
If he does not, well date another! Don't wait 10 months..
Go travel or do what you love. It remembers me an article of Jane, stop the haunt or chase. Where you take a break and live!
Bless Jane and her blog. Bless us women with big hearts who get lost.
I couldn't have said this better myself, Maris. Thank you for adding these great points to the conversation and reminding us all just how much each of us are in control of our own lives, whatever we want, whatever it is we are looking for.
"Bless us women with big hearts who get lost." - Isn't that the truth, Maris. Every one of us. We simply get lost along the way.
And the article is Don't spend all of your time hunting. 🙂
I just went through the same thing. What keeps me sane is knowing that others have been through the same. People like this are pathological liars. Its a character issues with them, not you. Hurt people hurt people. Healthy well adjusted decent people don't go around creating all this useless drama. Read the book "Dangerous People", written by a retired profiler. You may just recognize your ex in one or more of the categories. You may have met a psychopath. I did and got away fast.
"Hurt people hurt people." - So true, Catherine. I'm so glad you were able to see this for yourself and recognize that it was never personal - and get away sooner rather than later.
Hi Annie. It sucks that you went through that. I know what you're feeling and it's ok. Honor your feelings, whatever they are right now. They are your navigation system. I know how hard it is to just be with them, because we want to escape them and usually we blame ourselves for everything. That's also not good. Running away from our feelings and blaming ourselves never accomplishes anything. Those things don't help us grow. Choose not to believe every thought you have or every fear that pops up. Entertain the thoughts but challenge their validity. Is it even possible that love is not for you? Really? I know you believe you don't deserve it. I believe that about myself as well, but I have decided to challenge that because if you look at it objectively, it's just plain ridiculous. We all deserve love. Our humanity just gets in the way. I was just reading a book and this following though got me: " So, rather than ask yourself something like 'why do men treat women so badly? I encourage you to ask more productive and powerful questions like 'In what ways am I allowing men to treat me disrespectfully? ' 'Who am I keeping an agreement with by attracting abusive people?' 'How does the poor treatment I am getting reflect the way I feel about myself? '" This is powerful beyond measure but it's challenging, especially because we are used to looking for answers outside ourselves and making assumptions and generalizations about others. We're so caught up with the idea of right and wrong that we don't see clearly. It's like we're going in blind, and we are!!! Because nobody taught us this. Instead they all said we were wrong, we were this, we are that and we swallowed it all hook, line and sinker. Be compassionate of yourself and look at the whole situation without emotional interpretations. Try your best and see what you can discover. Find where you can do something different for yourself.
Much love to you.
Beautifully said, Angel. Thank you for sharing what resonated with you and what you're learned in your journey. It's so true that when we turn our questions around and look at them objectively, the answers become so much more clear. It's being objective when we're in the "going through" part that's the hard part!