It all seemed so incredible. He seemed so amazing. He made you feel beautiful when you were together – and even when you thought you weren't.
Your relationship had all the makings of the real thing. All the fireworks, all the excitement, all the magic.
Until suddenly, you’re noticing some subtle changes. He’s not calling as often. His emails and texts are fewer and shorter. He’s busy a lot more often. He’s a lot less romantic than he used to be. If you've been intimate, he becomes less intimate.
His plans may or may not include you – unlike before when they always included you. He’s showing up late and doesn't call to let you know he’s going to be late.
You bring it up.
You tell him that you've been noticing some differences and you want an explanation. He says he’s just been busy with work or tired lately and that nothing’s changed with him. So you let it go. But you miss the way it was, and you don't understand why he's suddenly getting emotionally distant.
It’s a scenario that’s repeated countless times every day all over the world, and yet, for many of us, no matter how strong we may be, no matter how confident we may feel, the feeling that something’s changed can send us reeling, trying to figure out how to get it all back.
What happened?
What went wrong? Why the change? He provides us with few if any clues, and we don’t seem to have done anything different. So we do what we've always done. We call our friends, try to remember every detail of the last few days and weeks, put our feelers out, and play detective trying to figure out what happened, and more importantly, how to make it all go back the way it was.
Until we realize, there’s no going back. The reality is, this is what the relationship has become, and while you’re still seeing each other, it’s not the same. You can sense it. You start feeling more alone than when you actually were alone.
Click here to get my free PDF guide "3 Biggest Warning Signs He'll NEVER Commit"
You keep telling yourself you didn't do anything different.
But you did do something different: you fell for him. You committed to him, he’s won you over and now he’s got your heart. And suddenly, he realizes that now it’s his turn. He got you to commit to him, and now it’s his turn to commit to you. The problem is, he thought he was ready, but now he’s not so sure. So he’s doing the only thing that makes him feel OK: He’s pulling back.
Yes, he still likes being with you and believes you really are all that. And he might even believe that you really are the one for him – if – and it’s a big if, he were ready for that level of commitment. But he’s not right now, and that’s the most important piece of information for you to have.
Because it calls you to action.
There is something to be done. But it’s not going to get him or the relationship back the way it was. It’s time for you to move on, to let go, to live your life.
If you've talked to him about the changes you've noticed, and he isn't giving you anything more to go on than that it’s you or he’s just been busy, stressed, tired or whatever lately; if you've let him know that you expect the same level of commitment from him that you've given him, and he can't give you the commitment that you're looking for, then there’s only one thing for you to do.
Move on.
Let go and focus on yourself, on living your life. Because actions say so much more than words. And while your actions might not change him or the relationship back to what it used to be, you will keep your self-esteem, your confidence, your you intact. And that’s more important than whether or not this guy is the one for you.
If he is the one, just this simple art of letting go will let you know – because he'll be back and ready to commit to you and you only. And if he's doesn't come back, you’ll have that confirmation that he wasn't the one for you.
Either way, you don’t settle for being treated in a way that's less than you deserve, and you open yourself up to receive love from someone else who is the one for you because you won’t be waiting around, still committed and attached to a guy who’s just not ready for the level of commitment you’re ready for right now.
Because when someone is truly right for you, they will also be ready for you. And that means committed to you on the same level you are. And that, my beautiful friend, is exactly what you do deserve!
How to transfer a Joomla website from one computer to another? from one host to another?
https://fishneeds.com/
Jane! It's so refreshing to have come across this! I'm familiar with this concept and worked with previous dates however they weren't as serious as the relationship I was just in. (I think this also works with same sex couples)
My guy and I have been together a little under 2 years... of course some up and downs however we worked through those moments with healthy communication, understanding and continue forward with many great times. I'm a graduate already however he now in this last year of college. Yes the past semester were hard adjusting to the strict schedules however once summer hit, it was amazing.
To give some history. We approach the relationship with understanding that he isn't complete out and he has boundaries which I agree to however I questioned if the time was right would be change that and he said yes. I was his age and afraid of this so I didn't want to apply pressure in any way. This includes that school came first which we managed to spend any open time together.
Recently we talked, had some warm embraces however we talked about roles in our lives that I would like to include him especially to family/friends events. I asked if he would compromise and he said no leading up having some thoughts the past couple weeks of being single yet not wanting to be single. I got confused because I felt comfort this last year of school and realized this is a temporary thing. He said he still loves me and misses me when I'm not close. He put me in a position of feeling unsure as to what is going on. He asked me to stay over and I refused because I didn't want to be put on hold until he has time to give me. I let him know that I know what I want and if he doesn't i can't be waiting. I left while he was trying to hold me back.
I now think it was a commitment issue because if I didn't have mentioned serious topics of our relationship, we still would be breezing through what HE is comfortable with. It very, very hard to be the one to walk away but he gave me no choice.
After reading this Jane, I feel empowered that I didn't allow myself to be weaken by his words. I don't want to move on but I know I need to. I would hate it if he decides to come back when the timing is bad and I'm put in a difficult position.
I read some of your other advice given to others about not giving into texts messages or simple reach outs because that is what HE wants to feel comfortable........should I ignore them or wait until he comes to me physically or do we gradually talk after a certain time as past to see he position.
I do want to continue placing my wants and values ahead of me so that isn't over looked.
Thanks Jane sooo much!
Armando
And if he does come back, you'll deal with the timing of that and where you're at from a position of knowing your own power, Armando. Do whatever it is you need to do concerning him to give you enough information to make the best decisions in your best interest. Doing what gives you the greatest sense of peace along with the least amount of regrets of what you did or didn't do, is how you deal with someone like this. Yes of course those little validations of your interest that come back in the form of a returned text or response are exactly what makes him feel good knowing you're still an option, but playing hard too get isn't the answer either. Being true to yourself, living your own best life, filling your time with the people and things where you are the priority is the best way to be genuinely not at his beck and call whenever it's convenient for him. It is so easy to lose in ourselves in someone like this; don't. Who you are and what you need matter as much as anyone else matters to you!
You are a blessing Jane! Of course one would believe their own understanding of what needs to be done but either scared to do it. You give us an amazing platform to share each other experiences. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this article. My boyfriend was behaving just like you described. I tried communicating that he had become distant and he made excuses. Once I realized he wasn’t going to be like before I ended the relationship. He apologized saying he was “sorry, he thought he could commit but was wrong”. It hurt a lot, specially because he was the best relationship I’ve had and truly a good man but I want someone that isn’t on the fence about me or the relationship. I want to be with someone that would be terrified to lose me. Hopefully these experiences bring me closer to that person someday.
-T
I think it’s because we don’t make them work for it anymore. We give ourselves so easily to them. They need to “hunt” for us for a long time to get it in their head that we are the prize. I’ve been in the same place as you. Isn’t it funny that the guys you don’t want, keep coming back. But the ones we want, don’t want us...
What about when he won't commit and yiu break things off and he keeps texting you. The first one was a week after i ended it and i ignored him , he said I just wanted to say hi, the following week was I hope you're doing well, you deservev the world. I'm REALLY trying to end it but why is it so hard, why won't he just leave me alone so i can move on.?????
Because it serves HIM, Amy, not you. Because it feels good to HIM. Because it makes HIM feel better. See a pattern? It's all about him, not you. Unless you see some specific change in behavior that shows you he's now able - and willing - to give you what you're looking for, don't fall for these texts. He KNOWS what he's losing by losing you. He wants to make sure you're still in contact in case he changes his mind or becomes ready for you at some point if it works for him. He's not going to make this easy for you because that would make it harder on him. You have to be the one to do what makes it easier for you!
I've been with my bf for 3 half years and I have left him many many times only to go back, he's a nice guy but isn't consistent, there are no plans he just comes and goes as he pleases , usually tue fri late on after he's done everything he wants to do, weekends are never planned , he plays football and that's his priority not me, I have left him, it's been two weeks and I'm adamant I will not contact him, I miss him but what am I actually missing ? Few hours a week with a man who didn't care about how I felt! I held on all these years thinking he would realise what he had but 3 half years later we are still in the same place, him doing as he likes while I get on with my own life!! There was no partnership no thought no care for me! He was sweet sometimes but very few and far between! I've had 3 relationships was with ex husband 18 years but I'm finding I'm getting the same type of man all the time , just wish I could stop thinking about him 🙁 x
Hi Jane,
I hope you can guide me through this!
I have been dating my boyfriend 4 months. We have wonderful relationship together .
Last night i asked him about his plan for our future and if he want to marry me or not.
He answered he loves me so much but he will not marry since he is living in Iran (we both planning to study abroad) and said we might go together!
The problem is who knows about the future, maybe just one of us be accepted in a university or anything else.
What should i do? Should i cut the relation completely or not?
I really appreciate your advice.
Thanks
Parisa
Of all the articles that I read so far this is I think the most relatable to me. The only difference is that it's more difficult because he was my first heartbreak, but never the boyfriend. I left him because I can't take how his words and actions are so different from each other. There is still a little regret from my part, since he was the first guy I trusted (I have family issues regarding guys) and he told me all the things I wanted to hear.
I was with my guy for almost a year. He's divorced for several years and shares custody of their 2 dogs. I met his family, friends, spent holidays with him. Over NYE I said that I loved him. He changed after that. He broke it off with me 6 mths in saying he thinks i'm amazing and cares for me but doesn't think he can ever love me, or probably anyone. We got back together because he missed me and said he wanted to be with me and make me happy the best way he knew how. We got back together too fast and I see now we didn't really try to make things different. He grew distant and when I asked what we could do to have more affection between us he broke it off again saying he just can't love me. We didn't speak for weeks, but he had shoulder surgery recently and I contacted him to see how he was. I brought him some food and we've texted a little back and forth about 2 weeks. He sent mixed signals, like wanting to bring me something I hadn't asked for and I brought up the fact that I thought he might be having second thoughts about the break up, he assured me he cares for me, misses me, but stands by his decision. I told him the mixed signals upset me. He ended up saying we only got back together because it's what I wanted. He says he'd like to be friends. I said I would be friendly, but I have no interest in just being friends. When he left, I felt a loss in my feelings toward him, seeing how uncaring he'd seemed. Several hours later I texted him saying the talk helped me and I no longer feel the same as I did, so I feel better about things. We had a few more surfacelike texts. I know I don't feel the same about him, but I'm not over it by any means. Is there a chance I can turn things around for him to want to try again?
When he said he doesn't think he can ever love you.... He told you the truth. Believe him, take him at his word and walk away. Look for someone who can love you and give you what you need. Stop wasting your time. I know what you're thinking: you think you can make him change his mind trying harder. That never works. Don't hurt yourself more and take care of yourself. We have all been there, falling for the programming, thinking if we do x,y and z we would love us. Life doesn't work that way. Love doesn't work that way. Remember your worth, your strength and your value. Go after what you truly deserve. It's somewhere else waiting for you.
I dated this guy for about a year and a half. Everything started off intense. He pursued me fully, we fell in love. I was the first girl he brought home to meet his family, we spent holidays together and had just the best relationship. We were best friends! Things started to spiral when he found out he had a 6 month old daughter conceived before we were met due to a one night stand. . He began to shut down with our relationship, he was dealing with the stress of a new baby, a girlfriend wanting more affection and her best friend back, school and work issues. We decided to part ways cause love turned into constant fighting. I found out he started to talk to other girls here an there after we split.. Though he denied being in a relationship or seeing anyone. He said he believed I was his soulmate but he was confused and not sure on what to do or what he wanted. I suggested we cut off all communication and he agreed shortly and a couple of days later he would text me again. After that time he graduated from college but lost his job 8 months ago. Its been a year since the split now and since then it hasn't been much progress, we only text, rarely go on dates but he still contacts me every couple of days at least. He said the feeling just wasn't there, and he didn't want to feel pressure to get back together.. He mentioned the fact that he was unemployed and still trying to figure stuff out but im left confused. I need help on how to see things and what to do.. He called me on my birthday and holidays and still get me a souviner on his family vacations.. I don't know if I should walk away or is he stringing me along.. He said he wants to be in a relationship with me but he doesn't know when it will be a right time again. I know he has been through alot but it sounds like an excuse.. I told him a week ago i couldn't handle it anymore and its been a year and no major progress and he didn't fight for me to stay . I mentioned I should walk away before a couple of times and he said he didnt want us to give up and that it would make it complicated not to talk. What is he thinking? and what do you suggest i do?
Also he still lets me have the key to his apartment to feed his pets when he is out of town.. i gave it back after we split but he gave it back to me once again.. A week ago when i told him i couldnt handle things he still hasnt asked or wanted it back...
He "lets" you - oh Monica, this is the mindset we've got to change!
i understand you completely with that thought! thats true.. what do you think about my initial comment?
I really like this article on how it articulates your self worth. I am a male, mid 20s, seeing a guy in his young 30s. Although I had no set out intentions of looking for a relationship, he showed up into my life and we dated for 3 months. There were a few red flags that maybe I was blinded by his good looks, or really starting to have feelings for him but he was very into me, and very persistent about continuing to hang out and even making comments(plans, events to attend etc) that there was a future. Shortly after Pride weekend it became evident that we might be looking for different things(he was attending parties in the gay scene that are provocative etc) . Being now that at this point i had patiently waited about 3 months of hanging out and both expressing and vocalizing high interest in each other, I decided the grey was giving me to much anxiety. I sat him down for the conversation to really just ask if he wanted to make this more serious, was this going anywhere etc. in short he told me I was one of the first guys he has been this into and he wanted to(which is now not helping in the move on process) but......he paused for about a min, "i have a huge fear of commitment" the conversation shifted and i was trying to better understand and make him know that monogamy is what I needed to feel comfortable and after a long talk I could tell he wasn't going to even commit to saying that and his actions weren't going to either. I decided at that point this wasn't for me, but at one point, and whats still bothering me, he brought up my trust issues. This is weighing heavy on my self esteem and insecurities because i feel like if i was dealt w more fair cards, and knowing we were exclusive, I would have been able to work on my trust issues. Keep in mind i really didnt make my issues that visible. Bigger picture, i know it would have been a bumpy road to continue especially after revealing all that we did so I ended it. I appreciate his honesty but a few weeks later and i am still hard on myself dealing with trust issues(that stem from events like this) and I am also upset because we did have such a good time together. I'm feeling a number of emotions, sad overall, i miss him, apprehensive of what else is out there and a bit angry that I didn't bring it up sooner/i feel a bit led on. I just want to move on..
Hi everyone .
I've finally cut the cord!
I was with him for over 2 years and met him a few months after he seperated, big mistake!!
The first 2 months were nice we had fun had the same banter sex was great we had a strong connection and we talked about a future, but then things changed , he has a young child so he was feeling the guilt of leaving , he had disagreements with the ex but I stood by him through all this. He did what he wanted out with the lad , holidays, trips but dud nothing with me! He had a new excuse every month , we were on and off, it was usually me breaking it off and me going back. He said he can't seem to move on . I kept patient and put up with his behaviour making excuses for him.
He said he loves me but I never felt loved most of the time.
He basically lived his life and fitted me in when he had time. He never planned anything with me or did anything special.
I invested 2 years of my life in this man and lost me in the process .
He was emotionally constipated and I tried my best to make him see that he had this great girl but it was all in vain.
Sad thing is I never got to meet his child, he promised me I could meet her but over 2 years on its still not happened.
He's dead to any emotion or commitment.
I now have to try and find me again I feel a prize idiot for believing him and sticking by his side for all this time. Like one reader mentioned I'm mourning the man he made me believe he was ...... He's still trying to be friends but I'm cutting all contact as of today x
Be so proud of yourself for having to courage to finally choose you, Diane. You knew! And you're not a "prize idiot". This is how we love until we realize there's nothing loving about it. And that's when we find true love!
This happened to me too. 😞 I broke it off for the third time in two years. I don’t understand why they come back. It makes it so hard.
We met on Social networking 12 months ago. I'm 45 he is 55. He told me from day 1 he fell in love w/ my picture and also w/ me,Love at first sight just because of my picture. Wow. (Pretty cool, I thought.)
He messaged me every day, he was beyond sweet. I told him that the things he said to me; people dream of hearing their whole lifetime. He seemed so genuine & he was so handsome. I was in the middle of a crisis & told him about it. He was so amazing & understanding. No man ever cared that deeply for me and listened like no one else ever had. He texted me for a month telling me he wanted me in his life and he was in love w/ me. We finally met, he gave me a gift, a beautiful piece of jewelry. He was sweet and thoughtful & extremely attractive. He texted me every day 10 times a day. He told me he would marry me & also take care of my kids. He called me every other day on the phone. We had an unbelievable connection. We became intimate & it was amazing. He said I was the best lover he ever had & he was for me also. TOTAL FIREWORKS. Finally after 3 months I FINALLY told him I loved him. He had said it every day & I Hadn't said it back yet, when I did it was like from a movie. He continued to to adore me. I met his parents a few times. He wrote me beautiful cards, he was so emotionally available, it was incredible! I loved it, he couldn't live w/ out me and the love was so deep. He bought me more jewelry, took me out. I was in love! He became my best friend. He referred to me as his GF. He was so caring, I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet! We were in love like no other couple, it was like this for 10 months straight. BUT THEN--- he stopped. Slowly but sudden. It's a feeling like no other, he was pulling away. WHY? I panicked. For the past 2 months I started chasing. I was calling first, texting first, texting cute "I love you" Good morning texts, good night". I questioned him, he said he had a lot on his mind but he still loves me. I made plans with him and he would say "maybe", then cancel. I am going nuts. I would do anything to get him back to showing me love again. I was tried to make him jealous, anything!! I waited by the phone, checking for texts. I was trying to be amazing & adored again. We started fighting, I was cursing at him, calling him names, crying. Nothing helped. I threatened to end it several times & soon he could care less. He kept saying he wasn't seeing anyone but that he had a lot going on in his head. I can't blame myself anymore. All I did was Love him back, that's what it's all about right? Well yesterday I really ended it. I'm hurting and dying inside. I blocked him on FB & on my phone too. Not sure if he's even contacted me yet. But I mean business this time. I'm so upset. Don't know what to do. How did this happen?? The heartache & rejection is so painful
Am not sure if this would reach . I hope it does.
U see I have this guy I met online and we have everything in common. We do chat at every opportunity available and he knew that I liked him. He just said I just wanted to talk to him and that's not love, plus he mentioned the distance. We're still friends and we chat just the same. I do start the conversation and he could stay as long as he could. We do have the connection and I know he likes me too, not sure if romantic to the point he told about me to his mom. She is totally curious about me and had been my FB friend recently. I'm not sure what he's trying to do because he can openly say his mom suspect us having relationship but he tells me he is a stone and would not want to have children and sorts. Thats really mixed up and while I'm at it, I'm thinking of disconnecting myself to avoid more pain. Thanks for listening and I hope you can enlighten me.
Dont do it. He is creating hurdles life hasn't created yet. Believe what he says.
Really wishing someone would reply. I am a wreck and in need of desperate and sound advice.
I recently broke it off with a guy I was dating online. He slept with his ex a little over 2 wks after dating me. He broke it off with her and promised me they weren't talking anymore. I was very hurt and angry and we both talked through it together. We were both honest about our feelings. He gave me the option to continue or end it..I decided to continue as I wanted to give him credit for being honest and since I really liked him. Deep down in my heart, however, I knew I couldn't trust him and he was going to put a lot of effort into the relationship.
He came on too strong initially when we first started talking so the sudden lack of warmth and his withdrawal after the incident really threw me off. He was different so I called him on it. He confessed to, "Maybe I'm just not there yet.." and apologized for not giving me the attention I needed. We decided to take a few minutes to think things over..and then he sent me a text saying he had "doubts.." and he felt he wasn't "good enough" after he messed up. He calls me the "perfect" woman for him. At this point I was done since I really wanted him to MAN UP and take responsibility for his actions. I know for a fact that what he's really trying to say is that he isn't ready for another serious relationship. I was also turning into that crazy girlfriend who automatically assumed he's sleeping with someone else since he hasn't initiated contact. Needless to say, I ended it.
This is no way to start a relationship. I told him he needed to figure things out and I wasn't going to put my life on hold for him. He agreed and said he was sad to let me go but that I deserve someone who is "ready.." We both said we would miss each other very much..that was our last conversation.
Should I text him saying he can reach out to me when he's at a better place emotionally or when he's "ready?" Or should I just leave it and have him figure it out on his own? I don't want to emply that I'm sitting around waiting either. I just don't want him to think I'm burning bridges. I also think we rushed things too soon..it sounds crazy but I'm starting to regret that I decided to cut off contact. It's what's best, I know, but it's so sad to see things end when we both have feelings for each other.
2 days of no contact and I miss him like crazy! We had very good countless conversations over the phone and have plenty of things in common. He was going to see me next week and we had all of these plans together. He really was an awesome, smart, good-looking, ambitious and sweet guy.
What should I do now?
Don't text. He knows he needs to step up to keep you. Any man that fears losing a woman won't keep her on the shelf.
Hi there,
I really love your adivces and thoughts to a guy who doesnt ready to commit. In my case, I am from Philippines and he was from USA so its a long distance relationship.. We met from a dating site. He came here in my country just to see me. But my parents working in abroad so he ddnt have a chance to meet them. So after we met, we do have some issues. I was fell for him which he has a good personality even he keeps drinking and that his biggest issue on his self is being drunk. He wants me for a sex which i ddnt give because it was our first time to meet and im proud to say i still have my purity which is my plan is to give it on my husband to be.And when he came back to US he told me that he loves me we connected except only physical. He said he wants to flirt etc and if i want to be exclusive with him i should make flirt. But still we continue communication, even his family knew me and im talking to his sis also in chat... But im still seeing him in other dating sites. Because im typing his code name in google and it will appear all. So last November my parents went here for holiday and he also came here for second time around, i thought he was serious bcoz he planning already to settle down and its the right way to meet my parents first before anything else.even his family knew that also that he wants to take a next chapter in his life now. But when he came, the temptation i cant control so i gave it all to him.everything... Because i do love him. We are more than a year talking in chat. Then after he met my parents he telling to them that he loves me then the next day he was drunk telling me i deserve more better which is im too good. My heart was broke. But since we will have an out of town so i havent decided to leave him. And im concern for him here about his safety and etc. we had a good times and bad times.. So a week before he go, he was drunk again and telling me that he wants to travel the world first that so unfair to me to wait for him etc... So i left him, and then he texted me he was asking his self if he was ready, i told him nobody is telling that we will gonna get married and he can do whatever he wants. He texted that he was so selfish and he was scared on how much he care for me and he knew that im his future, so i went back again to him to fixed issues. And when he going back in US he told me we have to decide that we should fixed our papers to get me there. But after a month, still no progress on what he told me. So i decided to tell him if he will just play me and hurt me in the end just let me go. Then he told me he cant think of marriage and kids first as he has alots of things to do at first. So i said to him just go. And he told me i pushed him away, and two weeks we dont talk he texted me today that he miss me... I still love him but i dont wanna wait for nothing. ?
As a guy, I am begging you to take the advice in this article. Break up with us already! Let us go! Free us! If you don't do it, we're just going to ghost you anyway. And apparently you don't like that, so please just break up with us. Or better yet, don't even get involved in the first place.
Hi John or men should be men and not get into a relationship when they aren't ready. The beginning act of desperation to fulfill loneliness to then turn into a non-verbal coward and shut down like a turd is pathetic. We would be happy to leave men alone if they were honest from the beginning then we as woman wouldn't be left wondering what we did wrong and how we should fix it. Grow up Men...Man up.
.....and this was as nicely as I could put it.
I recently gave someone my heart. He told me he loved me and I told him I loved him back. We talked about the future and he would constantly tell me how deeply in love with me he was. We talked about everything and anything. He was different from most guys I talked to. He was patient and kind. He defined love better than a dictionary, because I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was love or if I was in love. In a way before he defined what love is I knew I was in love. He made me want to be better and he made feel every motion I always hid. You see I'm not the type of person who falls easily for someone or allows them in. I'm usually in control of situations and one step a head of the game, but he made he feel like he knew me better than I did. He would call me almost every night and we talk everyday, but then one day he didn't text Me. So I texted him saying " goodnight and I hope you have a good day tomorrow" his reply seems short " thanks you too " I felt like that was a response I would give to a friend. 2 days went by and I texted him "hey" and his his "hey" was more enthusiastic so I asked how he was doing and no response. So I sent him a long paragraph of how I felt and that i didn't think I could do this. He told me " I don't know what to tell you or where this coming from but if that's how you feel, cool I guess. Sorry you are upset and all." I should've cut it off there. But I responded by telling him I understand we all get busy but I wanted to know if he still felt the same way about me as before? His response was " I feel about you as I always have. I've just been caught up and I don't know. Maybe that's not right for you" I wanted it to work so bad that I responded saying i understood and that if he met someone else it was okay to tell me. I told him I still cared about him and loved him. I said i only want this if he wants this. It's been a day since I sent him that and hasn't respond. On top of the waiting game he added me on social media but was unable to respond to me?! I am trying to move on but it's hard when I've always been so cautious and now I was silly to give someone my heart. Mrs. Aquarian! You are right! I love your words of wisdom! If he wants to talk and be with me he will do it! There is no way that someone can be so busy 24/7! The thing is I am hurt and like other responds I didn feel sorry for him and thought it was my fault but now I know that I shouldn't have to try this hard for love to work! This all happen in a month and I know that some people would say a month but I thought this love was true since I never gave my heart a way. It's a life lesson and now I'm not sure if I should just work on myself or get back in the game. Before this guy I was single for a long time and it was because I want to focus on myself and was goal oriented. So now I feel maybe it would be best if I went back into the game? Any thoughts?
I'm just coming out of a similar situation. He's been divorced for years and has had girlfriends. We started dating and everything went well-he texted me almost daily and our time together was magical. He pursued me heavily and I stayed closed to emotion so I wouldn't get hurt.
He was affectionate, loving, fun. He travels a lot for work (months at a time), and four months in he texted me that he loves me. He would tell me I was his, we were meant for eachother, and I finally let myself fall in love. He began to distance himself and I gave him space. He would check in every few days saying he missed me, so I let him rubber band and I was supportive. He came back and was loving. He told me he doesn't like to fall in love, but for a few months it seemed like he really was.
Then something changed. He went away again and really distanced himself. I would send a sweet text every couple of days and it would be met with a "me too" or be ignored. He claimed to be busy but was all over social media and liking my photos. He stopped asking me about my life, and seemed to just not care if I was alive.
So I confronted him with the intention of ending of it. He blew up at me and made it all about him and how hard his life is. A week later he came back and seemed fine. He called me a pet name and was back on my Facebook. So I texted him something sweet. That was 2 weeks ago. I sent something else. Nothing.
Why didn't he end it when we fought? 7 months and he won't end it he just ignores me. I haven't tried to contact him in over a week and before I sent a message saying I hope he's ok.
How did he go from being so loving and caring to this?
I should add he does have issues with trust (he told me) and he doesn't like to feel anymore. I would have kept things casual, but he got emotional first. I've considered there's someone else, but he's been doing the hot and cold thing for a few months now, it's just been bad the last 2 weeks. I'm so upset. I do really love him.
Hi there,
I'm pretty much in need of some help and guidance, and any comment is going to be very well received.
I've met this guy on an online date site on January of this year. We've talked over email and then over whatsapp for months. After we've finally met over coffee four months ago, we have been in touch every single day. Whatsapp in the morning, in the middle of the day and at the evening. Every saturday we went out to the cinema. On sundays we've talked over the phone for an hour or so. At the evenings he usually called me and we talked for an hour.
We kinda "click", and have spent a lot of time together as friends. He divorced a year ago (it was +20 years of marriage), and told me that he has been feeling lonely, and that laughing with me was very good for him, and that he felt very at ease with me.
There was some sort of sexual tension between us, the way he looked at me from bottom to top, and some double meaning phrases that usually made us laugh. We talked about everything.
He then goes to have a long planned vacation with a divorced male friend of him. He planned it before we started to date. It was a 2 weeks vacation.
He started to sparingly sent me audio messages over whatsapp, they were nice messages. He kept asking me how was I doing, but didn't listen to the replies that I sent him.
One day that I was feeling really low, I sent him an audio telling him that he didn't even listened to my messages, that he didn't even know nor care about how I was doing, so we should stop sending messages and wait till he returned. The tone was very serious and plainly rude. He has being very friendly up until then. He stopped any message after that. He was clearly offended (it was a rude message I must admit).
I tried to apologise (after realising my rudeness) using text, but he didn't respond.
After a lot of thought I ralised that I was just missing him a lot more than I thought possible and that I was being quite jelous because I imagined him with other women. After he came back, I call him and tried to talk to him. He told me that he was hurt and angry for that message, and that he needed time.
One week passed and I call him again, saying that please, we should meet in person, because I wanted to apologise. He say no, he wasn't ready.
So I call him once more and told him that I've missed him, that I was jealous and that I realised that my message wasn't one of a friendly friend, but that it sounded different, and that it was because I started to have some feelings for him, and that I didn't know how to deal with those feelings, and that I was very sorry for my rudeness. That he didn't deserve that message, that it was me that was so confused because of my feelings, and that I just realised them. I told him that I wasn't used to be in contact with my feelings, and that I didn't know how to act or do, and that he was very nice, that the fault was all from my part. I really think that way, after all, we were just friends.
He told me that he needed to think about everything, that I couldn't expect for him to call me or send me messages that it was before, and that we should wait and stop any contact, because he was still in a bad situation because of his marriage breakup. And that he still felt bad about the whole thing, and that he didn't felt like talking or meeting me in person right then.
A week has passed since then. He didn't call me but since he came back from his trip he has been every single day (at least twice) on the dating site looking for women. I know because he inadvertedly contacted a friend of mine. And she checks on him and tells me that he keeps being online.
So, I think he just shut me down for good, and he won't think of me again, or call me again. Am I right?
We've talked for four months, and I can't belive that he didn't accept my apology, nor wanted to meet me in order to clear this thing out. I'm not sure how to feel about the whole thing right now, because I still miss our talks, and I miss his friendship. Doesn't he miss me a bit? Not in the least? I'm thrown away just like that?
I really appreciate any comment on this.
Lidia
There was nothing there, Lidia. You were alone in that non-relationship.
He's clearly emotionally unavailable because of his condition of newly divorced. You didn't do anything wrong. You were expressing yourself and you apologized when needed. That's all you can do. Stop chasing him and start chasing your own life.
I read a quote once and I think it applies here: those who are so quick to leave never intended to stay. Cut contact, let him be and tell your friend to stop telling you about what he does or doesn't do. I know it sucks, but the less you hear about him, the quicker you move on.
Thanks for your reply. Yes, it sucks to know that someone doesn't care about you, nor miss you in the least. I really miss his friendship, but you're right, and your quote is right too. He was just looking for someone to fill his day because he felt lonely. And now, after quickly dismissing me, he is just chasing other women. And I shouldn't care anymore about him.
Thanks for your words, they made me feel somehow a bit better.
It's ok to feel your pain, don't avoid it altogether. Feel it, understand it, soothe yourself and then spend some time doing things that you love to do, spend time with people who truly love you and cherish you, who make you feel good about yourself.
When you feel a little bit stronger, play detective and watch the story of Lidia with men as if it were a movie and see what you do and what they do objectively and how the pattern plays and what you can do differently.
It has helped me a lot to do this exercise. Be compassionate to yourself. I think that's the part we forget the most. We beat ourselves up, and that's not helpful at all. We're good women, we deserve beautiful things.
Hang in there Lidia and keep coming here. Hugs.
I'm 34 asian gal and met an 49 yo divorced American man when I was traveling alone in asia. He was travelling alone at that time too. We are 15 years apart but We hit it off and got into romantic relationship very quickly. I got injured and he offered to send me back home (he happened to have an return air ticket back to my country).
Instead of fulfilling his dream to travel Asia, he stayed put and offered to take care of me. He has met all my friends and family. We talked about the future and having our own family, and even who to move if we were to get married. He wanted me to go back US with him to see his family. I was excited but at the last min, he told me he might not want to have kids since he is nearly 50. I was very sad as that wasn't what we envisioned in the first place.
I went ahead to US with him, thinking he might changed his mind again. Everything went on very well and happy , but after 2 months, he broke off with me giving me the reasons that he doesn't want kids as he is too old being a dad. He sent me back to asia and travelled for another 2 weeks telling me that he needed time to think over again. In the end, he said he wants me back but we have to maintain long distance relationship until I finished my studies.
After 3 months, I finished my studies and he insisted me to find a job in my country. But I insisted that I'll visit him since that is the only time I had with him before settle for a job. He flew to fetch me to the US again. Following that 2 months, everything were amazing. We visited his extended family and travelled to other country for holiday. I feel like a queen and thought that things were going very well for us. I even brought along my certificates hoping to find a job there, but in vain. After 2 months, I asked him about our future plan. He told me that he feel financial burden if I were to leave my home country and move to US with him. The fact is that I am not financial independent if I were to move since I can't get a job in US that soon, plus I have family to support back home. He broke off with me again (2nd time) telling me that he cannot support so many people (though he is earning above average). I know he loved me a lot and even asked me if I was able to stay for another 2 weeks as he can't bear to let me go. We cried and hugged each other every night till the day I left.
We still kept in contact telling how much we missed each other. 1 month later, he said he regretted his decision and "let's get married!" I was furious but happy yet lost. This emotional coaster ride was unbearable. We talked about marriage over Tango but it was never a happy talk. I ended up blaming him for causing me so much hurt in the first place and had broken up with me twice. 4 months later, he came and I expected him to propose to me. He came without a ring, saying he wanted me to choose my favourite ring but never got one. We went to registry of marriage to find a suitable date but never set one. We also went to the US embassy to check for visa process. During all these process, I feel I was the one who pushes him along to get things done and felt he was reluctant to initiate it. When it was due for him to return, I asked him again about our future, he broke down and say he was sorry and couldn't do it. I was devastated (again!). He told me he loves me but he said he is actually able to retire comfortably if he wants to. If we were to get married, he has to continue to work till old age (probably 70 years old) if we were to have kids. I was again disappointed! I was angry of why he said he wanted to get married in the first place after the second broke off. He had given me so much hopes again and again and it was hard for me to give him back the trust everytime he broke up with me. It was hard for me to give up my independent life and family back home but I chose to give up to be with him.
1 month later, he told me he regret his decision and wish he can go back and change things (again!). He broke all the trust I have in him. I still love him a lot.. should I give him another chance?
BROKEN
Do I let him go?? I have never been this close with anyone before, I have opened up to him more than I have with anyone in my life! But its like when we get close he pulls away.
Oh and our sex life is amazing, even when he is distant. I feel so compatible with him, I didn't know i could feel like this about a guy! Sorry for the multiple posts!
I'm so sorry. If I may give my humble opinion this is a mess. Is this working for you? You're in love with an idea, not this guy because clearly he's not relationship material. Do what you need to do for yourself but know that the longer you stay in this toxic off and on thing the worse it'll get, and the longer it'll take to recover your self -esteem and sense of self worth. He's already shown you who he is, don't paint a different picture. True colors came up. Be in the reality of things not in the nice memories but the now.
He won't change. Don't fool yourself. And his issues are his alone, they have nothing to do with you. Get busy living your own life. No one should be the center of the universe for you other than you. Be responsible with yourself.
I don't think I really worded this the best I could. Yes he is very on and off but he doesn't speak badly to be or anything like that, we have maybe had one or two fights since we have known each other. he was in a bad relationship before and it's like he is scared to be hurt again. It's been 12 months now. I am 22 and he is 23. I don't think he purposely does this to hurt me he is just confused as to what he wants so I guess I need to let him go, me always being there for him is letting him have the best of both worlds.. But this is the hardest thing Iv ever had to do, the way we connect is out of this word, we have the same sense of humor and beliefs and plans for our life so I feel like why can't this work!!! Why can't he put his fears aside and just decide what he wants!
You're not him. His issues are for him to sort out. Your sole purpose in life is to make yourself happy. That's it. Always think of that. Being understanding is a great quality, just don't let it override your good judgment and let others take advantage of you. It doesn't matter if he's a good person. If you're not happy with things as they are, it's not right. You deserve a man who not only is good but who steps up and gives you no reason to doubt him because he means business and he proves it with actions and consistent commitment to you. Anything less is a waste of time. Think about you and let others be what they are.
Not sure if anyone is still reading this but I need advice! My situation is the same as some of the others on here.
When I met my partner we clicked instantly, we spent pretty much every day together for the first 6 months and were crazy in love. then one night we went out and he was drunk and forgot to wait for me and left me with his friends in a town that I did not know. When he got back his friend told him that what he did was not on and that he shouldn't be treating me like that, the next day he broke up with me and said that he didn't know what he wanted and he knew he shouldn't have left me behind.
This lasted less than a week and he came back crying saying he loved me and asked that I forget what he said. 2 months later he did it again, this time it lasted 4 days then he messaged me, I was more distant this time and he told me that he stuffed up and he was just scared of falling deeper in love than he ever thought he would be. So we decided that we would start hanging out again and after a month see what we wanted to do. Well it has been 3 months since we said that, I have brought it up a few times and he says he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. He isn't messaging me as much and I sometimes don't hear from him for days but when we do see each other were like best friends and we kiss a lot and tell each other we love each other.
Whenever I try to talk to him about t he gets nervous and doesn't talk, it's like he doesn't know what to say. So I wrote him a letter saying I love him and I am willing on trying to make us work and asked if he was willing to commit to us, then I left him for 2 days and messaged him, he asked me to go out and see him and we could talk but we ended up having his family over so we didn't get to talk, he works nights so I havnt really had a chance to ask him again so I messaged him asking if we could talk and he said that he would see me the next day, then I didn't hear from him until he messaged me to say he was going out for a friends 21st. I love this guy more than Iv ever loved anything so the thought of not being with him kills me but I know that by always being there for him I am enabling him to keep treating me this way.
thank you so much for what you have written on your site. its so wonderfull and encouraging
I'm so glad, Nafuna. Thank you.
I have been dating a woman for about 5 months. Our time together has been very close and high quality. I have been very giving to her emotionally and express my love to her often. She tells me that she cares for me but has never used the "L" word with me. She has introduced me to and included me to her grown children. We've had a talk about "being exclusive." I always have to ask her how she feels after I am emotionally forthcoming with her. While I haven't pressed the issue, she prefers to let me pay for our travel and entertainment. I feeling that I am shouldering the financial part of the relationship which I can live with if I feel certain that she wants to be with me. She's divorced and collecting alimony. Therefore, we can't live together for several years. Also, she has a cat with diabetes and kidney problems which requires that be there for feedings and providing medication. This means that she has to be home a lot. Recently, when I was there, she received a call from a guy that she met at a book club and without explaining that she was seeing someone, she cut him off abruptly. She claimed that she didn't know where he got her number. Other calls have come in which she does not answer. Within the past two week I discovered that she had profiles visible on Match.com and OKCupid. When I asked her about that she said that she wasn't active and she took down the Match profile. Then she asked me to help her take down the other sites she is on. Recently, she friended on Facebook a very handsome engineer man outside of her professional interests of Life Coaching and Positive Psychology. This guy's profile has several photos and is devoid of all content except that he was a "man looking for a woman." I sent her an article sighting research that "Some new Facebook friends may signal relationship troubles." She does not show her relationship status on Facebook and she continues to include this guy as a "friend." In our last conversation, she said she wants to spend more time with me, cares for me and is "in" in wanting to create an authentic relationship. I am 65 and have a history of cancer. There is good reason to believe this behind me and my hope is to have a quality relationship at this point in my life. But I don't want to waste time, energy and money in the presence of ambiguity and ambivalence. Thanks for helping me sort this out.
I've been with this guy for a year and a half and we love each other a lot. The problem is when we argue he's been very rude to me (which I admit I have been too in the past occasionally) especially recently. The first time recently he told me to f*** off, the second time he attacked my friend because he said he was just trying to protect me and thought they were hurting me and the other day he'd been drinking and kept starting arguments with me all night and kept shouting bitch at me but was fine to everyone else? Each time he's said he wants to change and doesn't want to be that person and every time so far I've ended up believing him and going back to him. I know the answer of what to do must sound obvious but I do honestly believe he wants to change because he says he loves me all the time and talks about a future with me and wants to see me all the time. he also always looks after me and when we're not arguing we get on so well and are so happy together. it's just when we argue everything goes so bad and it upsets me a lot because he just doesn't think about how he's being at the time it's not until after where he'll be non stop apologising and telling me how much he wants to change and be there for me. then he's back to normal for a week, or so, so I go back to him then it seems to happen again. I'm just not sure how long to wait to see whether it'll actually stop or whether he's just saying it but can't. he has had a bad past relationship and has now promised me he isn't going to drink until he see's someone about his anger/problems but I don't know what to do. I want it to work so much, as he's the only one I can trust and talk to etc, and I know he does too I just can't let this happen again and am not sure whether he deserves another 'last chance' because I'll feel so stupid if he does it for the 4th+ time!
I am 64 years old and met a 61 year old widower in January. We hit it off immediately. After a week had an intimate interlude. Things were wonderful he even would send emails with xoxo and can't get you out of my mind. All the good things to start a good relationship. One email ended up being misinterpreted by him and after a few days said we were through. Well after 6 weeks we got back in contact and he wanted to see how things would go. Of course we slept together and things were good for about a week. He is a christian man and after going to church he told me we could no longer be intimate but he still wanted us to be friends. He said he needed to decide if he wanted to get married again. So I asked him, are we still considered a couple without the intimacy? His reply was yes. But it seemed he changed, he no longer used words of endearment towards me, I just didn't feel the same connection. I one day sent him a copy of a email he had sent in the beginning and said where is the old ??, I miss him. He replied that he had decided he didn't ever want to remarry but wanted to have me in his life to do things together. Most days I am OK with this, thinking he needs time to heal from his wife's death, by the way, when we met, she had only been gone 3 months. I didn't know this until later. A few weeks ago I agreed to go to bible study with him. Last night I went on my own, he didn't know I was going. When he arrived I was already there, he came and spoke but nothing more. I had told myself to face the situation that being around him would help me get over this, but when he walked in my heart just dropped. When it was over I had to walk right by him and he didn't even acknowledges me. I thought he would call after he got home but did not. I have been crying for hours, asking God to help me, to take the pain away. This is not new to me, my whole life has been this way.
I'm sure he will call tomorrow. I have been wondering if I should just ask him if we are in a relationship and if he says yes to ask what do we need to do to make this a dedicated relationship without the intimacy. So that we can have all the aspects of a relationship. Maybe then I will know where I stand for sure. I think I already know where that is but can't seem to let go. I feel so much for him and thought he felt the same, as he had told me so, but then he said he wanted to live as God says he should. I don't believe he is seeing anyone else, so can you help me see what needs to be done? Can I convince him through talking to him that we can work through this if it is what he wants, but I really think he might be scared. Thanks for listening.
He's not available and sadly there's nothing we can do but live our own lives and go after what makes us truly happy. He's not holding on to you. Why would you want to settle for half a relationship when you are worth so much more? This is one valid question and the answer lies within you. It pains me to see women so wonderful settling this way when we never ever have to.
Thank you Jane. Your advice is valuable and very much appreciated during this difficult time in my life. I like that you empower women to make better choices for themselves.
I have walked away from the man l truly love and want to build a future with because I am becoming increasingly insecure about the lack of progress in our relationship. We have been dating for two years and he is a good, kind man. He is a full-time father to two wonderful children and I share custody of my beautiful boys with their dad. We have been very sensible, taking our relationship a slow pace, because our children have always been our number one priority and we have both been hurt by previous partners. I thought that our relationship would evolve naturally, but we still only see eachother 1 - 2 times a week, sometimes 3. I have been wanting to spend more time with him, but he is very time poor due to family and work commitments. I am respectful and understanding of his circumstances but I have got to the point where I realise that I will never get what I deserve while I continue in a pseudo-relationship, despite my love and commitment to him. He has been separated from his wife for three years but has not finalised his divorce due to the expense. He wants to settle privately because he will be unable to keep their marital home if it goes through court. His wife has no interest in their children but he does his best to encourage contact with their children. What he tries to achieve is really admirable but his wife continues to take advantage of his good nature. We recently found out that his wife is a sex worker, which has increased the stress on our relationship further. She lies and creates a lot of unnecessary drama. I respect that everyone needs to deal with things at their own pace, including divorce, but my heart can't take it anymore. I do not think he wants to reconcile with his wife, but I am sad that there is no divorce in sight. I am embarrassed to admit it, but I have started to check his wife's profiles on social media because I feel so insecure. I am usually a level headed person, but I know my self esteem is taking a huge battering because I am choosing to stay with a man who isn't choosing me. He told me that he can't see anything changing in the foreseeable future, due to his circumstances, so I swallowed my pride and said goodbye. That was four days ago and I haven't heard from him since. I am hopeful but heartbroken because I know he loves me, but is emotionally unavailable for anything more at this time. I don't know if you can offer any more advice or words of encouragement, I just wanted to share my story to help me heal. Thank you.
Hi Jess. You did what was best for you, no matter how much it hurts. Give it time. Time for you to slowly feel better without him and to realize there are way too many men out there who would stand in line and available for the wonderful woman you are. For now, feel your feelings and never doubt yourself for a second. You had the courage to leave a situation that wasn't honoring the worth you possess. Be proud of yourself for knowing and discerning. Your feelings should be honored and welcomed and in time, they'll show you there's nothing to fix, nothing but amazingness inside you. Hang in there. We're all here for you.
Thank you Angel
I still love him so I think it will take a long time to get over him and the hopes I had for our future. I am looking after myself though so I can move forward in my life. I am enjoying spending time with my children and friends. I go for daily runs and have deleted social media. I have applied for masters level study and I am just about to renovate my house too. I have a lot to be grateful for The situation was making me feel really insecure, but I am not an insecure person, so I have no desire to date other men to validate my self-worth. Healing comes from within. I have learnt that the right man will be respectful, trustworthy, and make it very clear that he wants to build a future with my children and I. But right now, I am in no rush to meet him. I just want to enjoy my life
Hi Jane
First of all I think your advice is just wonderful. Thank you for this forum, it honestly feels like the only place in which I can express myself.
I had a best friend for 3 years, he was there when my previous relationships didn't work out, we had massive amounts of fun together and always stuck by each other. 8 months ago we went on holiday together and I met his family (who adore me). On the holiday he told me that he thought he was in love with me. I had just come out of a hard break-up and told him that I was not ready to commit to him because it would be for the wrong reasons and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. However, about a month later, after much pressing from his side, I acquiesced. At first the relationship was all him being in love with me and telling me he wants kids with me and asked me to move in. I was always cautious as I knew I was still sad about my previous relationship. About three months into the relationship I started falling madly in love with him.
We have now been dating for 7 months. The last 6 weeks have been a nightmare. First of all we stopped having sex. He couldn't achieve an erection and told me his sex drive was low. I know he was and is deeply embarrassed by the whole situation. In addition, he has stopped returning my affection and wants to be alone. He is very aware of how this is affecting me and has made an effort but things are just not right. He told me that he still loves me but that he feels like I grew more in love with him and that he is . He suggested that we see a relationship therapist (which was surprising as he is usually anti such things). I am just confused. Another change is that in the beginning he couldn't stop going on about wanting to get married and have kids and now he says that he is scared to have kids because of his daughter (who lives in another country with her mother - this is very hard on him and he has a lot of guilt in this regard). On the one hand I want to be there to support him through this but on the other I am getting so hurt and feel rejected. I am terrified that our relationship is going to end because I truly will lose my best best friend.
Please help. Do you think that he is just not in love with me anymore and that I should move on? Or is this something that we can work out?
Thank you so much ladies! Felt united when reading all the comments... relationships are just down right difficult.
Regards
Heart Broken
So glad you've found a safe place for you to express yourself here, Heartbroken. It sounds like you're finding out more about him, about how he handles closeness and intimacy, and his need for space and what that looks like to him. The fact that he wants to see a therapist tells me that he wants to try to figure this out and it's worth it to him to try to make this work. I would see what that does for the two of you. It sounds like he has his own demons he's fighting that have nothing to do with you, but everything to do with him. Try to take step back and not take this all so personally, while at the same time, remember that this also has to work for you. This is about being on the same page with him, wanting the same things and both being willing to do whatever that takes to make that happen. You can work it out if you both want to work it out. But it always takes two.
Hi Jane,
I am in a similar situation and I was wondering if you could help me as well. I have been in a relationship for 2 years and it has been wonderful. We truly love each other, or so I thought and fought very little. We did always disagree on communication and how he lacked great communication skills. Either he was unable to communicate his feelings until he exploded (he is a ppl pleaser) or he would be around friends and didn't feel the need to reach out to me for hours on end. I wouldn't know what he was doing half of the time. When we were together, it was great, but it always was a struggle for us to be apart and for me to get what I need when it came to communication while we were apart. Anyways, back in Feb, he asked for a break out of the blue. This confused/shocked me. He was just repeating I don't know about us over and over again and saying he is not sure if he really loves me/ or if he was sure I was the one for him. He didn't want to waste anymore of my time if he didn't see a future. I let him go and within 3 days, he was back saying he made a huge mistake and how he was so sure about us now. Fast forward two months later and he does it again. I felt like the only thing I could do this time was to break up with him. He was saying the same thing- how he didn't know about us and what he wants and not sure if I am the one. Up until I walked out of the door, he was so emotional (I was completely stoic) and he was saying how he still doesn't know what he wants and he is not 100% okay with this decision. Without talking to him for a few days, he sent me a text and said "until I am 100% committed, I think it's time for you to move on. Kills me to say this, but you deserve better and any man would be lucky to be with you"-- I am just getting so many mixed messages. I responded how he could tell me he loves me and can't live without me one day and the next he is forcing me to break up with you. Please help! I am left so confused and not sure what happened.
I have absolutely no closure.
Thanks so much anyone!
NB
I know this is an old post, but your story is very similar to what im going through now.. could you give any updates, please??
Do I have to have the dialogue with him that "I need him to be as committed as I am", before I decided to move along? We aren't in a committed relationship, we have never been physically intimate, but we have been best friends for almost 6 months, talking every day, having coffee plans every morning for that long. We have kissed and talked about future plans, that he is open to marriage, commitment etc, but lately he has gotten so busy at work he says, and I don't really hear from him much. He says now that he doesn't think he has enough time to give me or that I deserve. Do I really have to tell him that I need more of a commitment before moving on, or can I just move on? It has been 3 days since we have spoken and I would like to just keep moving on. I honestly don't want to contact him and open a wound that I am trying to heal. Can you give me any advice?
You can do whatever you want to do, Catherine. In fact, listening to your own gut instinct here is the best thing you can ever do! Your actions will always say so much more than your words ever could, but if he has any questions, or wants to know more, rest assured that you'll be the first to know.
Do I have to have the dialogue with him that "I need him to be as committed as I am", before I decided to move along? We aren't in a committed relationship, we have never been physically intimate, but we have been best friends for almost 6 months, talking every day, having coffee plans every morning for that long. We have kissed and talked about future plans, that he is open to marriage, commitment etc, but lately he has gotten so busy at work he says, and I don't really hear from him much. He says now that he doesn't think he has enough time to give me or that I deserve. Do I really have to tell him that I need more of a commitment before moving on, or can I just move on? It has been 3 days since we have spoken and I would like to just keep moving on. I honestly don't want to contact him and open a wound that I am trying to heal. Can you give me any advice?
I had to end a friendship with a guy I had met recently. He and I started out as a friends with benefits thing. After it happened and we hung out a couple of times (no sex, just as friends). We realised we could not continue it. He did not want a relationship. I was starting to get feelings for him.
We stayed friends a bit longer. I even met his neighbours, parents and kids. We seemed to be on the same wave length, get along really well. I even was starting to get along with his 2 kids also. I could tell his daughter really liked me. Had inside jokes with he and his kids. Always had so much fun hanging out with them. I started getting stronger feelings for him and feeling confused. I had never been this close with someone in this situation before.
I mention us hanging out on our own. We mostly hung out with my other friend and her daughter. He was fine with that. He says we can be each other's wing man and stuff when we go out for drinks that would not be weird for you? We spoke about things and I realised he did not see me that way.
I wanted to try pull the friends card but then realised by making myself to available and around he might not have seen me as more either. I did not want to be waiting around for something that may not happen so cut ties with him. Sending that text was the hardest thing. I really felt like he and I were a good match.
He replies along the lines of 'I completely understand and respect your decision. It's a shame it has to be that way but I guess it's for the best. You deserve someone who loves and respects you. I know you will find the right person because you are a cool chick' he reminded me that he did not want to hurt me that was why he did not want a relationship and apologised if he did as well.
It just all ended up being a whole bunch of confusion. Feeling pretty down, because I really did feel like something was there...
No idea how I found this thread but I am so glad I did. I'll try to explain my situation as briefly as possible - and before I do, I would like to add that I am well aware of how wrong an affair is. Please no judging - I kick myself about this enough - I promise you!
Last November an aquaintence and I started talking while both marrie. We became fast friends - best friends. We were so much alike, eerily similar if you will. After a month of just friendly talk - we started talking more personal. We were both married unhappily and had both gone through great lengths to work things out with our spouses but came to the conclusion that things would never change and we would just live unhappily married forever. About a month later we became romantically involved. Over the course of the next 6 months we planned to get divorced and be together. Well, we both did separate - both around July. Almost as soon as that happened - he was gone. Excuse after excuse as to why we couldn't see one another or be together. I became needy bc he was pulling away. So he just pulled further. He ended up dating other people while we stayed in touch and were casual. When I was ready to end it he told me he wanted to be exclusive and see if we could work on things. A month later I found out he never quit seeing other people. At that point, he wanted to do anything to make it work and wanted me to be his wife one day. He was going to a therapist bc he obviously needed to find out why he couldn't be alone and needed acceptance from others to feel ok (his words not mine). BLAH blah blah. That lasted a week. He then needed space to work on himself. We saw each other once or twice and I found out again he was talking to others - so I confronted him saturday. He told me he needs to casual short term and doesn't think I can do that but he believes if we are meant to be things will work themselves out and he loves me. But he just can't be in a relationship now. I told him good bye and to call me if he changed his mind. I haven't heard from him since (only 4 days but feels like eternity). Now I'm wondering if I did the wrong thing and if I should be casual to see where things go. I don't want him to forget about me? How sad is that? I've never been so sad in my life.
(He had been with his wife since he was 18 - he's now 36)
I'm not going to berate you for having an affair -- my hope would be that you're already doing that well enough on your own. Your situation with this man should be a lesson to you. No, you didn't make a mistake by walking away. You respected yourself and communicated to him that you weren't going to settle for less than you deserve. If he truly values you, this will only increase those feelings; whereas, if you were to stay in a casual relationship, you're communicating to him that you don't respect yourself and you'll settle for anything. This man already had an affair with you... agreeing to a casual relationship would set you up for a marriage where he would have an affair on YOU (because you demonstrated that you're ok with being a side chick). In fact, his actions are demonstrating that he most likely cannot be faithful, so the real mistake would be to wait for him and marry him. Do you honestly believe that you were his only affair? I doubt. I know you feel like you had an amazing connection, and I don't doubt that he cares for you, so while it's possible that he's simply "getting it out of his system" given that he probably didn't seriously date anyone but his wife prior to marrying her, the overwhelming likelihood is that he wants to marry you for the emotional connection and security that you provide (just as his former wife did), but he would never remain faithful because he doesn't truly respect you. Proceed at your own risk.
I dated someone for 2 months; our relationship was playful, fun and we had a lot in common. Out of nowhere he became distant. After a few days of not hearing from him, I got him to call me. I did ask him why he was being MIA and he said he just was ramping up at work (just got a new job). During our phone conversation, He asked me what I wanted for us and my response to him at the time was: "I don't know" which led him to say "I don't know either". His response and the distance between us got me nervous so the next day, I initiated a few text messages to which he responded. After that, the silence between us increased which made me realize he was in no condition to make a commitment. To protect my feelings, I decided to send him the following message a couple days later: "I know what I want Jason even though I told you I didn't. I am genuinely looking for a relationship. I know I have fingers and a mouth and can contact you (he had suggested during our last phone call for me to call him more) but to be honest, I'm not interested in chasing after someone who doesn't want to be with me hence me not calling you. It's ok for you not knowing what you want, you'll figure it out eventually."
I know I can't force him to be in a relationship. A part of me is regretting sending him that text. He never responded to it. It's been 1 month of no contact now; I truly miss him because I saw a lot of potential in us. He pursued me so intensely. It seems the minute I put down my guard and put my trust in him is the minute he got distant. I'm having a hard time letting go.
Hi Alize. I'm really sorry this happened. I know exactly how you feel. What he does or doesn't do doesn't matter, much less his potential; EVERYBODY has potential, the point is that's not who they are right here, right now. I do however have some questions for you: why did you say you didn't know what you wanted for the two of you when he asked? Just try to answer that question for yourself. The answer is just for you. If it was out of fear, ask yourself what it is you are truly afraid of at the core. This is crucial.
What is the part of you that is regretting sending him the text? What is that part saying exactly and why? Is it feeling insecure? What was this person giving you exactly that you really think is what got you hooked? What exactly is the feeling? I figure we have to let go of the "I don't knows " inside of us, those are the ones that are keeping us stuck in men who simply are not right for us.
Quite frankly, if he doesn't step up and you can't be transparent and honest with him for whatever reason, it is not the right relationship for either of you.
Big hug. You'll be fine.
Don't regret saying what your heart could no longer be silent about, Alize. You didn't cause him to go away; he was already away! You simply brought out what was already there by being clear on what your own terms are, on what you can live with and what you can't. And what you got back from him simply confirmed where he was at and where he isn't. Don't make this about you! I know you miss him. I hear you're having a hard time letting go, but what you're seeing is the reality of what was there and what is his to sort out, not yours. Feel every one of your feelings but don't blame yourself for being true to yourself. Now it's all out in the open; you've raised the bar. The rest is up to him.
I've been with my guy for a year, and there's nothing I'd like more than to live together and be a family. It's not entirely straightforward, he is disabled and can't work, so is supported by the state on benefits. He has his own adapted bungalow and had been there almost a year, he's happy and settled. I work, own my house which would not be suitable for my partner to live in. When I talk about living together, he says one day, eventually, maybe etc. mostly non committal noises. He's very loving and attentive, makes my dinner for when I come in from work, is always there for me when I need him. I just want a future and natural progression. He's 42 and I'm 32. He has lived with a woman before, a divorcee with a kid! I have no children or baggage at all. I'm kind, supportive, loving and understanding of his condition. I do everything he asks, we spend a lot more time at his place, but I'd like to spend more at mine. I'd love to marry this guy, I think he'd be a wonderful father and although he can't earn, I'm independent and can support us. It didn't end we'll with the woman he lived with, I also lived with a guy, for 9 years, but it was a disaster. My current boyfriend thinks I moved in with him too quickly and that I need to be patient. He says he lives day to day because of his condition, but I think his illness should make him want to make plans. I just want what is normal, I'm tired of going home to an empty house and being alone. I feel like he doesn't take it seriously that I want this so much and that partners should live together if they are serious about one another.
Hi Jane,
I'm in agreement with one of the people that commented about your caring way of answering. On the majority of the websites out there, they are harsh and negative, and I needed to hear something positive.
I have been dating a man for three months. Now typically, I wouldn't develop feelings for someone that quickly, however, this man contacted me every day and he was the one who sought me out. It's hard for it not to get personal on that regard. I had been through a horrible break up about 4 years ago and I had sworn off the possibility of meeting anyone, until this one. It just seemed to click as you stated above. It was fun and I really enjoyed his company. Then it got weird. When you mentioned in your article that we don't think anything's changed, but it did-that's exactly right. My dialogue changed. I look back on it now and I see it. I mentioned it to him and his response was exactly what you'd indicated. He's too busy, etc. I didn't think much of it, because he is a supervisor over an entire facility and can sometimes work 70 hours a week. He also has 3 boys from the age of 3 to 6. One of those children has health issues, and another has Asperger's Syndrome, and so I didn't think much more about it. His behavior was different, and the texts became shorter, and not as personal as before off and on, but then he'd be like he was in the beginning. One night, approx two weeks after that situation, we'd gone out to dinner, and that whole night went weird. It would take too long to describe the events, but he ended our night abruptly, and then checked in to a bar on a popular social media sight, and it popped up on my newsfeed. I was hurt, because it was like he "got a better offer" so to speak. I then backed off a bit, and he asked what was going on. I was honest about it and he assured me that how it appeared wasn't what truly happened. I really had no choice but to believe him, because he has been honest up to this point. Fast forward now about a week. I sent a text to him, just light and fun and said hi. I got the, "You're too good for me" and "I don't deserve you" and "I can't be in a committed deal right now you know." I told him that I was just me, and that everyone deserved good...yadda yadda yadda. All the things you tell someone that would say that. Needless to say, I've not heard anything since from him. I haven't texted anything else either and that was two days ago. I guess I just needed to know if that's the right call. I don't want him to think I'm upset with him at all, because in all honesty, I'm realistic that we basically were just dating and not a couple, but I'm being respectful of his decision to part. I will move on with my life and maybe meet someone else as your article suggests, but right now, it's hard to let go, because I did get signs from him that he liked me as well. He's not deleted me off of his sight, which to me is a good sign, and I'd be open to see him again - if that's at all possible. Just not sure how to play this hand.
Whenever you're not sure what to do, Marcia, allow yourself to sit with your feelings without doing anything. Feel what you feel and lovingly and compassionately accept wherever you are and whatever you want to do. Then if you feel moved to do anything, choose what brings you a sense of peace. Choose the action that leaves you with the lease amount of regrets. Yes, we all bring our own expectations and assumptions with us wherever we go, but don't beat yourself up for not knowing better. We all do the best with what we know at the time. If someone is truly right for you, what we do or don't do - or how well we do it - won't matter. What will matter is two real people on the same page who want the same thing with each other and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You deserve to be happy and to be loved for being the beautiful being you are, regardless of any "mistakes" you make along the way. It's what makes us all human!
hey Jane .. I want to tell you my story ..
I've been with this guy for 3 years .. at the first 2 years .. we were amazing .. we were the perfect couple .. I know he loved me for real .. I loved him too .. but the last year was a total disaster 🙁 .. we were fighting alot .. so .. I asked him to broke up .. he agreed !!! .. there was a lot of crying from his side .. but he agreed .. so .. we were friends for like a month .. but then I realised I make a mistake .. so I called him .. and I told him how I feel .. he said that he was happy being single .. and he's better off being friends .. I didn't take no as an answer .. so I started begging and crying .. this went for one week .. then we agreed to date .. but not to be in a relationship .. we were going out .. kissing .. acting like a couple .. saying I love you to each other .. but no commitment .. I thought this was better ..
after 6 monthes .. we had a big fight .. we stopped talking for 5 days .. so .. there is this Friend of us .. she was jealous from me .. so she told him that I'm in love with some other guy .. so he told her he is going to see this new girl too .. she told me .. I freaked out .. I called him non stop .. I begged .. I was a door mat .. for over a week .. at last he said that there os no other girl .. and he said that just to make me upset .. because he believed that I'm in love with someone else .. so we were back together .. I couldn't trust him anymore .. so we were back to fighting all the time .. and at last we broke up again .. I was stupid again .. I begged .. I was a door mat .. non of these effected him .. so .. I walked away .. after 2 weeks .. he called .. asked me out .. and in the date .. he told me he loved me .. and that he want to give our relationship a chance .. so we were back together as a couple this time .. and we were commitment to each other .. but .. I couldn't trust him again 🙁 .. he told me he slept with some girl .. and it meant nothing .. and that he regrets doing that because he doesn't believe in sex without love !!!!
so .. after a while .. we had another big fight due to my trust issues .. we broke up .. I tried my best to be with him .. and to solve the problem .. but he would not listen .. and he wanted me out of his life .. so .. I walked away again .. in 2 weeks .. we started talking again "I unblocked him and he talked to me immediately" .. so we were pretending to be friends .. till 2 weeks later .. he told me he loves me .. at my birthday he planned me a wonderful surprise . like in the movies .. he was amazing .. so I talked about our relationship with him . he said that he loved me more than anything in the world .. but he doesn't want to be involved with me again .. because we are awful together .. so I convinced him that we should give it a try .. no commitment .. but we will work on ourselves .. he agreed .. for the next week everything was perfect .. then .. he started working and got really busy .. so on his weekend .. Instead of spending time with me .. he went with his friends .. and he was treating me bad 🙁 .. so I got mad .. yelled at him .. said some mean things .. and asked him to never contact me again .. he said he'll never forgive me this time .. and that he won't talk to me again .. we broke up .. and then after 2 weeks I ran into him ( at the last year we were graduation students .. and when we graduated he moved back to his town .. so I was shocked to see him in my city and that he didn't call me ) .. I tried to call him .. I was on black list .. so .. I texted him non stop for a day .. he never replied .. I tried to call him from another number he yelled at me saying to leave him alone .. then .. after 2 weeks of doing no contact again .. I called him .. we talked for half an hour .. he said he'll never forgive me and that I hurt him so much .. then I texted him asking to talk again .. he refused .. and then I make a big mistake .. I offered him sex as an ice breaker 🙁 .. he agreed .. but because he was leaving in a different town now .. I talked to him naked on Skype .. he was happy .. he told me that he missed me alot .. and he wishes that things were different .. but what happened has happened and we can't change it .. I asked him to be friends .. and that we can use sex as an ice breaker .. he agreed .. so .. for like 1p days .. we were talking.. laughing .. and having sex talks .. so .. yesterday he was in my city .. we met .. we ended up making out .. I thought he did this because he had feelings for me .. but when I said : "I hope this won't effect our friendship " .. he said : " of course no .. I always thought that we'll work as friends with benefits " .. i was shocked .. I didn't know what to do .. and I don't wanna this kind of relationship .. I want him back ..
what do you think?
what should I do?
and how can I say NO to being friends with benefits without losing him?
Hello again Jane!
Thank you for your message I actually cried when I received it. I understood that the relationship I was in was nothing what I pictured it and wanted.
The man I now had dated for almost 10 months was nothing like the man I met. I realised that although he constantly tried to manipulate me, the love was not right or real. I thought about what you said to me and Bryan Adams's song "Have you ever really loved a woman" and the relationship was far from any of that. In the end we officially broke up yesterday although in my mind we were broken up days before but for him no we had not! Anyways in the end I once again tried talking with him but there was no talking, this man was not capable of doing that. Instead everything went on his terms and everytime I asked him something, he would accuse me for not believing him, understanding him, being too jealous. In the end he said that now he will give up! It was so strange and it left me completely surprised but during this relationship I have learned so many things about myself that I realised he was playing mind games and none of it was my fault.
So although it will take time for my heart to heal I am relieved I am no longer being controlled and manipulated. Because although he accused me of being too jealous even last night, I always had a feeling something was not right and a couple of days ago I actually found out he did cheat on me with at least one girl. I found out this through a friend and apparently he had told this girl he was single and had repeated similar steps he had with me. Of course I was gutted but now that I know what this man is like I'm ready to move on towards healthier and more mature relationships.
You are right I have so much to give and I am no longer afraid to say that. I am no longer scared that part of me is exposed if I dated someone close to me. I realise that now, I have been hiding a part of me and that has been a reason why I havent dated people from my own culture. It is strange but I think it is my insecurity I had of myself and my family that I have tried to hide. I feel like I came out of this relationship as a winner so I no longer need to learn or grow to be the best I can be I am already that person and somewhere out there is that man who is right for me.
Thank you Jane I think I finally start realising my self worth and what a beautiful person I have become!:)
Hello Jane,
I was subscriber to your web site before but then I met someone and this year has been great 'cause in January after 7 years of being single I thought I met the One.
It started as a holiday romance but developed into LDR since we live on the other side of the world. Everything was going well I visited him in May in the same place we met and I was happy. Then about a month and a half ago things changed. He became so busy that we didn't Skype anymore but instead communicated via odd phone calls and Whatsapp voice messages. I became frustrated and anxious and afraid he was not so interested anymore. The only thing that kept me not confronting him entiseltä was my upcoming holiday visiting him again at the same place. That meant we could talk then.
I'm now on that holiday and we have discussed some. He has told me he thinks I would have better life with someone else 'cause he is not making much money and is so busy with many things. I asked him how he feels and he said he still loves me and does not want to lose me but maybe we don't have a future. I suggested him that if he feels this way maybe we should break up but he does not want to now. I am a bit confused 'cause I don't know what he wants. All I know is that my holiday is very different what I thought it would be. We hardly see each other as he is busy working every day, helping family with a brand new built house and also studying or doing diploma in business. This situation is hard but understandable since he is not a Western guy and lives in a different world than me but I am pretty much spending my holiday on my own. He does call me and sends messages every day but I'm alone during the day and night. He does not sleep with me at my hotel every night 'cause after work and sturdy he is so tired he just goes home instead. Last time I saw him was two days ago and although we supposed to have met tonight he wasnt sure if he is coming to see me. I'm disappointed and alone. I am trying to keep myself calm in this situation and enjoy my holiday but sometimes feel like I want to scream. I want to give him the time he needs and I dont pressure him since he is already stressed out. I focus on myself but cant help feeling lonely. I guess although I still love him and some days I'm thinking it can work out but am I fooling myself? I mean I came here for him and although I will stay here another 3 weeks I would think he'd want to see me now that I'm here....Maybe he has already made up his mind...
I maybe could see myself living here also but I dont know if things would be any different. I guess I hope he wouldnt be nice to me now it is my holiday but told me the truth. Although I have asked him if he has lost his interest in me, the answer is always same. He is just too busy and he still loves me.
I now consider this as a learning experience and a time for growth since I'm trying to keep calm and not freak out. I'm trying to be the best person I can be and give my support to him without expecting award from him. It is hard though but I have so far managed well. I just think this must lead to something better and there is a time and place for everything. And even though I have experienced something similar 7 years ago I will not give up on love even if it does not work out with my boyfriend now. I just wish I'd know 'cause I am afraid and sad if we apart even though one day I may realise it was for the best.
That said I will stay strong by reading your web site and hang in there day at a time.
Thanks for reading this and I wish all the good hearted women here all the best in love and life.
-Annie
Hello again, Annie. How nice to hear from you again and have this update from you. I do remember you! And so you are seeing the reality of what he can and can't give you, the reality of who he is and what he's capable of and what works for him. And then there is the beautiful Annie, who knows who she is and is learning more and more about what she can and can't live with. That's what matters. How we find that out is a different road for all of us, but being true to yourself, making sure that you're taking care of yourself and doing the most loving thing for you is what matters most. You may be fooling yourself, but if you listen to your gut instincts, that beautiful intuition that tells you the truth about what's really going on, you won't be playing the fool. We live, we learn, we grow. And then we meet someone and go through it all over again. It's ok as long as you're ok! But enough of the caretaking for someone who can't - or won't - take care of what you're feeling, too. You deserve to be loved, to not be lonely when you're "with" someone, to feel like you're better off alone. Do what you can live with, what brings you a sense of calm, and leaves you with the least amount of regret. You're the prize, Annie, don't forget that. You have so much to offer someone who's truly deserving of you! 🙂
Hi. I have been reading through some of the posts and I can relate to a few. I am a single mum of 3 beautiful children and I met a wonderful man who I love so much and he says he loves me and the children. His relationship with the children couldn't be better, he especially has a very close bond with my youngest who's 8, he treats us all well and we have holidays together with his daughter and we have many weekends to ourselves and we always have a fantastic time. Today he tells me after nearly 3 years it's over. He says he felt pressured to take the next step for us to live together and he started to question himself as to why he hasn't moved in before rather than spending extortionate money out on renting his house ( I own my house although it's the house I lived in with my ex husband, my children's Dad but I bought him out so its my home). He has come to the conclusion that if he is having doubts as to why he doesn't want to live with me, it must be because he dosent love me as much as I love him. It's been on his mind apparently for a few weeks. I am totally devastated as he agrees we were happy and had such a great time. We were / are so compatible, we laughed, we cried together, we always had fun and never argued. I truly believed he was my soul mate. I was married for 19 years and my boyfriend who ended our relationship today was married for 18 years and has been divorced for 5. He has 3 children of his own but only sees his youngest as his ex wife has completely alienated his 2 eldest and he has not seen them or had contact for over 4 years despite every attempt by him possible. I am struggling to believe him when he has said he does not love me enough. Surly he would have known that before now? I think in my head and heart that he does love me but he is scared and his Ex was a narcissist abuser and she has ruined his life and I think he has run scared and put his barriers up. Our families get on so well and all our friends are shocked and confused as its so out of the blue. Like me, everyone thought we were so well suited. We are. I love him, I thought he was my soul mate and I am so confused as to why he has suddenly decided I am not the one for him. I now have the heartbreaking job of telling my children although he offered to help me if I wanted. He is such a genuine, caring, loving, generous person and it's killing me to think he has chosen to let me and my children who he is so fond of, go. I just don't understand, he is everything I could ever ask for and no-one will ever replace him, he is one unique special man whom I wish would realise how much he is letting go of. Devastated.
Im trying to live through the heartache of my very first LDR and even though it’s only 2 hrs between us it’s still horrible. I’m a Texas girl and he is an Oklahoma guy so the distance isn’t as bad as the lack of time. We are both in our 40s and have very busy lives, him more than me, but still busy. He works oilfield so that is a large piece of his time and he is also trying to build a home, his burnt down last year, and that Is another big chunk of time. He has two girls and is an excellent father getting them and spending time he has left there. Then there’s me. What’s killing me is there is only 2 hrs between us and I haven’t seen him in 6 weeks. We text or talk everyday, he knows I miss him and want to see him whenever I can. He always lets me know what he is doing it where he is going and I do trust him. I honestly don’t think he Is avoiding me or trying to blow me off, I know he is the type of man that would tell me straight up if he didn’t want to be in this relationship. I have met his family and some of his friends and he has even introduced me to his girls so I take that to heart that I mean something.
I’m trying to live through the heartache of my very first LDR and even though it’s only 2 hrs between us it’s still horrible. I’m a Texas girl and he is an Oklahoma guy so the distance isn’t as bad as the lack of time. We are both in our 40s and have very busy lives, him more than me, but still busy. He works oilfield so that is a large piece of his time and he is also trying to build a home, his burnt down last year, and that Is another big chunk of time. He has two girls and is an excellent father getting them and spending time he has left there. Then there’s me. What’s killing me is there is only 2 hrs between us and I haven’t seen him in 6 weeks. We text or talk everyday, he knows I miss him and want to see him whenever I can. He always lets me know what he is doing it where he is going and I do trust him. I honestly don’t think he Is avoiding me or trying to blow me off, I know he is the type of man that would tell me straight up if he didn’t want to be in this relationship. I have met his family and some of his friends and he has even introduced me to his girls so I take that to heart that I mean something.
I try to stay busy and focus on what I want, which is him, knowing soon this house will be done and hopefully there will be more time for me. I cry every night because it hurts so bad and I feel so foolish for it. I don’t want to be clingy and needy and have him think I’m a weak person because I never have been before. It’s just very different for me this time relationship wise. I’ve started a journal and every night I write how I felt that day about me, about him, and about how this makes
I
I'm sorry about that posting like that! Goodness!
No problem, Stephanie; I can still read what you wrote. 🙂
This is your life, Stephanie. You get to decide how you want to live it. You're not clingy, needy or weak if you want more than he's able or willing to give you. You just might be on two different pages. You have to decide for yourself what you can live with and what you can't. Pretending you can live this way when you can't only hurts you more in the long run. If you want to be with him on these terms he's set for your relationship, then enjoy your time with him and make a great life for yourself the rest of the time. But if these aren't your terms, and if you can't live with this the way things are, don't fool yourself into thinking you can. Do what brings you the greatest amount of peace and happiness, and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. Crying every night because you're hurting and then beating yourself up with accusations that you're foolish is not how any of us are meant to live. You can't change anyone but yourself, Stephanie. But you're never the victim; you get to choose!
I've been with a guy for 10months now, and to cut the story short, it's been all smooth sailing until he got a work promotion and started getting very stressed up. He asked if we could be friends for now 2 weeks ago, and he broke down so badly in front of me. He said he know that he has been making me very sad and insecure recently and he doesn't want that, and he doesn't know what he wants anymore, but he still wants to take care of me. He told me to move on if I can and not wait for him as he doesn't know how long he needs to settle his life down again. None of our friends know about our breakup and we still hang out together(without holding hands or hugging whatsoever) and we still text once in a while. I know he is really stressed up, but I'm really confused about whether I should wait for him.
Is anyone on here?
I need help... I feel like I am in this situation, but the peak of its negative intensity is because of his late nights out with our friends. Our two friends are very close to us and very down to earth, though unemployed due to understood reasons, they have all the time in the world to be out late. Where my boyfriend works a ton and still manages to keep up with these friends of ours.
He has always stayed out late, until 1 it 2 am... but over the last year it's been until 3...4....... sometimes 5am.
I believe him and have a strong feeling he is telling the truth when he says he's not cheating. So no worries there.
But every time I try to reason that staying out so late isn't right, and it shakes me from sleep subconsciously knowing he's not yet home... he says he's not doing anything wrong. Most time hes not even very drunk, but spending all night with the boys.
I not sure what to do anymore.
I don't want to fight over this anymore.
I just wish he would stop staying out so late....
And somehow made anywhere near the same level of commitment to me in our time alone...
Help me. I feel this is different.
You can't change him, Merrranonymous, and trying to, or making this into what "isn't right", will only leave you spending far too much time and energy believing you can. You've told him how you feel, and yet he continues to do this, so now you know his terms for your relationship. Now the question is what are your terms? Can you live with his? Can you live with things like this? That's what matters. What's "right" is subjective; this works for him, but it doesn't for you. For any relationship to work in the long run, both people need to be on the same page, want the same thing, and be willing to work together to make it happen. Without this, what's right or wrong become mute points. What matters is what you can and can't live with.
I have read all the comments here over many threads and one thing is starting to be come obvious to me ...that this is not about the man but how we rate as a dynamic.
When a man has an easy time having a woman fall for him, or a man sees a woman acting in a way that says she will not be okay without his love and commitment, then a man is TURNED OFF and shuts down on a emotional level.
This is a man's basic emotional response when he senses a woman "needs" to move forward too fast too soon. He senses that the reason she wants to move forward is more about satisfying UNMET emotional needs than about true connection and appreciation... and it triggers him to pull away.
When this happens, a man sees you as desperate for more, and potentially emotionally unstable rather than seeing you as a woman who is stable and grounded emotionally, no matter how things go in that moment.
The truth is that a man wants the woman he chooses to get closer to, and open up to , to have a level of control over her life and her emotional state. So when he senses this "need" for a relationship, it sets off red flags for him.
On the other hand, when a woman is SELECTIVE about how and when she moves into a more serious and committed relationship, she's not coming from a place of "unmet emotional needs."
Instead, she's coming from a place of INVITING the man to be with her, but at the same time being clear that her life is going to continue forward and be full and rich NO MATTER what a man does.
This "attitude" is a subtle shift, but the RESPONSE that a man will have to it will make all the difference. When a man feels that a woman is coming from this place where she doesn't "need" the relationship but that it could be something she knows would make life even better, a man has an entirely different experience.
When a man senses that the woman he's with is also carefully deciding whether or not she should CHOOSE HIM or not, suddenly a man will jump into the "space" that brings a more committed relationship together.
And this is what is missing from nearly all of the posts I read.
We all need to step up and raise the bar !!!
Exactly, Laine!!
I agree. However, remember that most of these woman have invested and shared their bodies with these men. That's where the doubt and confusion began.
Hello. I guess I'm not the only one going through the hot and cold, off again on again relationship. I have been seeing this guy for a little over a year. Several times we have broken up and got back together which has driven me mad. We broke up a few days ago (his idea) and I told him I was tired of the off again on again relationship, either he wanted me or not and I would find someone who does want what I want. Here's the confusing part. HE still texts and calls me everyday! He asks me what I'm doing, how's my day at work, and I'm stuck because I asked him why he still wants to talk to me and he says he still "cares" about me and has real feelings he just doesn't want it to be a relationship. I don't know whether to respond and just be his friend with boundaries of no spending time together or any thing that even resembled a relationship or just simply MOVE ON! No contact no anything. I don't really mind being his friend. I have guy friends but I am not waiting for him to come around. I've decided to date other men and even started a profile on some dating sites. Is it wrong for me to respond to his texts? Down deep inside I wish we could work it out but I'm forcing myself to accept his decision and talk to other guys....if I find one then I will let him know I have moved on. Are these decisions good?
Thank you so much for this. My (ex) boyfriend and I met in February of 2012 and when I first met him I wasn't in to him at all! But he chased me for almost a year and through knowing me, he improved as a person to someone I could be okay with. We started to date in January of 2013 and we had a nearly perfect year. We hardly ever disagreed or fought and he was attentive and sweet and the man of my dreams. I broke up with him in December of 2013 because he was my first relationship and I was unsure if I shouldn't explore a little bit. I knew instantly of my mistake and he took me back days later. This year, it's been difficult. He called a little less and became less attentive. It started about may or so of this year. But he always told me he loved me and that he was happy with me. During one of our particularly bad rows where he exhibited some unacceptable behavior, he begged me, pleaded me not to leave him. I stayed. Because, I love him. And I see a future together. Besides, once is a mistake, right? Anyway, he has never had a problem discussing marriage and kids with me. He's been telling me I'm the love of his life for months. A big deal for him. In early July, he told his family he wanted to marry me. It's one thing to say it to yourself or the girl you're with. Telling him family was big time. It's now early august and we're broken up. Why? Because he told me at the end of July he thought he was unhappy. How does this happen? How does someone go from one extreme of feeling to another?! He says he thinks he might be interested in other girls. Something completely shocking and NOT him. At all. I am completely blind sided. He is under an exorbitant amount of stress and he claims this is maybe why he feels this way. He says he's so stressed he doesn't know what to think. So he stopped calling and texting me. Well, I broke it off with him because I felt that's what he wanted and that he wasn't going to do it. There was no crying or begging this time. And he hasn't called since. I know I have to move on. But I love him and I still see a future with him. I don't know if stress is a good excuse. I don't know if he realized I'm the real deal for him and got spooked and needed to get his last bit of single guy out of his system. It just hurts because I love him and I want to be with him. How does someone flip so quickly? I'm lost. And after reading your article, I know I have to move on. But it feels like I'm existing without a left arm. I feel totally incomplete without him. But he's not calling. Hasn't since we broke up five days ago. And you'd think, if he wanted to be with me, needed to be with me, that he would have called by now.
I'm just so baffled.
And I don't want to move on.
But I know I deserve someone who is sure. And I can't and won't wait for him to decide. So for now, I'll book mark this and read it everyday. The words are healing. And maybe one day I'll be able to live them and stop waiting for him to call.
Thank you so much.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Confused. I so hear your hurt, your confusion, your longing for this man. All the whys will become clear when you're ready to see them, and that time will come. For right now, focus on you, on all that you are and all that you have to offer. You're the prize! Accept yourself for being right where you are; it's where we all begin.
It's been very interesting reading all the posts. So many women with the same story. I tend to think a lot of it has to do with our nurturing side ... So we should take this nurturing instinct and just nurture ourselves instead. I've just come to the decision to walk away from an unhealthy relationship where he struggled with commitment. We're definitely on the same page with that but for some reason men seem to think that if you want to spend time with them that you are automatically looking for commitment. Not always true. The other issue that men seem to have is that they have this idealized picture of a woman in their minds ... The picture being filled with mostly superficial things like hair color, eye color etc ... And they discount women that don't fulfill this superficial list of unimportant stuff totally missing out on the many women that have qualities important to relationships like kindness, loyalty, etc.
Love yourselves ladies ... And when the time is right someone will see you for the beautiful person you are inside and will love you the way you deserved to be loved.
And we do share so many of the same stories, with the same hopes and dreams, SusieQ. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your story. Someone who's right for you will always see the real you for all that you are and all that you are worth.
I was with the father of my children for 9 years we broke up on bad terms and over a year later I'm still dealing with him and his anger, that's just the way he is. Months after our split a guy sent me a note to say he liked me. I was so not ready but family and friends told me to have some fun and get out of the dark place I was in and be treated right for once. Cut a long story short, I messaged him and we clicked everything about this new guy was amazing. We have spoken every day from morning until night since I responded to his note and we laughed incredibly. Our dates have been so much fun we have the time of our life's when together. He was so thoughtful and caring. He told me to trust him, let my guard down he had fallen for me big time and I worked hard on doing this. We both are single parents, he had split up from his wife years before they are still friends and I didn't think much of it at the time. As time went on and I fell further in love it came apparent that his ex was very much still involved in his life and called all the shots regarding when he has the kids (mostly on the days we had made plans) and family parties he still has to attend. He is willing for all this and even says he doesn't want his life to change regarding his family they made the kids together and will bring them up together even though they are apart, which I understood. Iv respected this for nearly a year now. I found it so hard knowing the guy I loved was having cosy nights in with his ex and children, he claims nothing is in it they are simply best friends which I do honestly believe. Over the year he tells me he's not ready to commit yet we have always talked openly and been honest, iv left it on a few occasions but he fights to win me back, his actions speak louder than words and that's what confuses me. He says he loves me but is scared because of how much it hurt when his wife left him. He simply isn't ready. I think he's trying so hard to move on with me but is still completely living in the past and can't let go. He says I'm different and never thought would love again, we are not fwb but at times that's how I feel as he won't make me his girlfriend and for me that's not what I want! I have just ended it now again due to his decision of joining a family holiday with his ex, he states it's only for the kids but I cannot see a future here for us when he is so involved in his past. He doesn't tell anyone about me either, at first he told the world but because I was recently out of a relationship I told him to calm down and let's see where things go. Now it's flipped and I'm ready and he's not. We have become so close we've become best friends we both know what we have is really special and kept it just for us but he can't take it to the next step as he said he feels torn between me and his family and it appears that they come first which I have to respect. He's a good guy and has always been honest. Now I have left it and told him no contact as we just keep going around in circles he still texts me to see if I'm ok. I haven't replied because I know I need to let go and give him time to work out what he really wants. I feel so hurt, I give him a chance when I really wasn't ready. He's been my rock and to lose him is devastating but I know I cannot remain friends with the feelings I have for him. I adore him, he said he thinks the world of me too and is gutted that I can't remain to be even friends with him but it's not working out at the moment. Should I let go completely or hold on I love him deeply but I know his situation I cannot accept for me to move forward with but I do respect his ways. He's a loyal dad and I admire him for that but I told him I wouldn't ask for him to change his ways, just show me my worth, reassure me that I am important too and to make me real in his life instead of keeping me for himself. He's so confused and due to that I'm hurting. Any advice would be much appreciated I feel so lost without him. I think I have done the right thing but it really hurts he means so much to me.
Dear Jane, I'm right smack in the midst of a break up and so unsure about the situation I started to google questions and stumbled across this page, I never search the web for advise like this and this is the first time I've ever commented on a site but when I read your piece from last year it was shockingly familiar it sounded like you were describing what has happened to me over the last few months so I was wondering if you could please offer some advise or maybe even your thoughts on if I've done the right thing I'd really really appreciate it 🙂
So I'm currently travelling and right now on the other side of the world. I've been single for 2 years before that in a 4 year relationship and I've been so happy and so comfortable in my own skin and not being involved with anyone, it was such a calming feeling enjoying my own company.
I moved from one city to another and only in this place 1 month and I met this boy ( I'm 25 & he's 24) and from the get go the physical attraction and chemistry we had was off the richtor! We went on 1 date and hit it off right away.. On our 2nd date we went for a walk by the water front and I've never experience getting to know someone so quick we were both so eager to find out everything, there were so many 'moments' we had that night one I actually felt a euphoric experience sounds mental but it honestly felt outer body like. I went to bed that night processing what just happened and I realised I had fallen in love. We catapulted from there into a relationship. We tried (without saying) to keep it cool but naturally it was just happening. The more I knew about it him I couldn't believe I'd found him and the feeling being totally mutual. We couldn't express ourself enough. We chatted about our future me staying in his country and what we wanted to explore together. I am not naive at all but this completely blew me of my feet but I always had control because it was so healthy and 2way we never had to have a talk about being official it all just flowed I honestly felt like holy crap am I 25 and I've actually found the love of my life. Anyways I had to move for work reasons but we spent hours on the phone and we spent weekends together. Then after a month he had to move home which was 4hrs from me on a flight as he did his back in quite badly and had been out of work so I supported him, he really wanted me to move and after weeks of discussion I really knew it would be best for me to stay where I was with my friend make the money that I needed and I'd be in a better position to move because at the time I had no real savings to support me and although he said money would not be a problem I couldn't put myself in that situation on his turf we'd have to stay in his Mothers until I got work in his city and until we got our own place and after all I only met him 3months prior I gave it good thought though and the finances stopped me I thought if this is the real deal he'll be there in a few months time! So the talking continued and then after 2 weeks it one day stopped I noticed it instantly a week passed and even the calls slowed or if I'd ring he wouldn't answer and me being used to an answer straight away even a txt to say I'm busy babe call you in 10 anyways it sounds needy or crazy but that was enough and I had a gut feeling something was up so when he called back he sounded off and that he was going on a fishing trip he would be out of coverage for the weekend I asked was everything ok and he said yeah fine and he would call Sunday evening, he never called until Monday so that's fine. The days after were the same, he sounded real down and off which sparked something in me which started me off holding back on things I'd normally say so freely because deep down I was wondering if his feelings had changed. If I did say something that was normal for us I wasn't getting the normal response. Weeks passed and he asked me to visit but I couldn't afford it at the time, he wanted to pay but I was completely smashed and couldn't visit with absolutely no money so I didn't. Even how he asked me didn't sound loving. So I confronted him not long after this and said something feels different and I was honest how I felt his response was that amount of communication was bound to slow down eventually. Not in my books esp not after 4 months even if it does consistency is always there he didn't reassure
Me anyways but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. We talked but I still had a niggly feeling. Weeks passed again and he asked me to visit this time I felt I really needed to see him to figure out if I was imagining things. I flew to see him and was so nervous/excited we hugged and kissed but he was quiet we had a 2hr drive to his place and he was still quiet I talked most the way and we sat in silence. Instead of having hot steamy love making I gave him oral and nothing came after. That really hurt me and sirens were going off we basically sat in his room the whole 4 days I was there, he was in a lot of pain with his back but even when we did have sex he just lay there, there was no intimacy we barely cuddled. And after all we spoke about and how unreal our first meeting after so long would be it was such a let down. I had to share my feeling face to face and he honestly looked annoyed telling
Me I was imagining it and that his feelings never changed. I thought him being out of work and in a lot of pain being stuck in his room was getting him down so I reassured him to know I don't need to be out doing anything I just want to spend time with him but he never let me in ( before I met him he had spent 8months in his room because of back trouble so he'd told me he couldn't believe he was back to that) so I felt I should put meself in his shoes and again I let it go. It went from bad to worse when I got home our phone calls were meaningless and I hated them I tried to push through but seriously why should anyone, I'll admit I tried more than I normally would because I really believe in what we shared. It did get too much about 2weeks ago and I called him and told him this wasn't working for me. I told him I felt let down and had a gut feeling something wasn't right and even though I don't want to I really don't want to continue this way. He didn't even put up a fight he actually said best of luck with everything and stay in touch we are still friends! Ha! That made me laugh I was heartbroken I had never wanted someone so much in all my life even my ex of 4years couldn't compare! He txt the next morning saying it didn't feel right and I ignored it that evening he called over an over and so I answered he said he couldn't walk away from what we had and he is sorry he was so blind that he made me feel that way and that his back pain takes over his whole mind and without realising he felt he was depressed. He asked me to give him a chance to prove he wanted this more than anything I said I wanted
To give him a chance and so I did...and low and behold absolutely nothing changed! Taking us up to the last few days I was moving to a remote area where I thought I wouldn't have signal for 1month and I txt him night before I left telling him I will miss him and be in touch when I get the chance. Turns out the remote area was in full signal and I received nothing from him I was so shocked he obviously doesn't care at all. Eventually a txt came through very blasé! I would have liken to speak to him at least before I went and the guy I fell in love with would have been awake and calling first thing I'd seen him in action with this kind of situation! So that was it I'd had enough I called him that evening and he kept saying hello as if he couldn't hear me, I instantly thought he was lying for some reason and going to use my signal as excuse but he txt saying he had 'just' let his phone fall in water. Anyways I txt saying I am not happy anymore with how things have been going and I'm tired of asking you and not beings satisfied etc he never replied or called! He called today and he said am I going to be able to change your mind on this? And he doesn't feel he should have to keep justifying himself to me, to which I replied I would never expect him
Too or ask that of him I said it was obvious I want something he feels he's already giving and we're not on same page anymore then I had
To go so the call ended an just like that my relationship is over. I'm devastated and so shocked but I couldn't continue the way I was I already feel in more control cos at least I'm certain of where I stand but my mind is a mess and really need a clear outsiders prospective I'm
So sorry I went into such detail but if you can I'd really appreciate your take on this.. Thank you so much, love
Well, he now says he wants to be "just friends" he still wants to talk sex but mostly just emails every morning and night telling me "Smile for me beautiful" "I miss you" things like that. I want to tell him to leave me alone but I don't know how. He has become such a part of my life every single day, I don't want to let him go but I have him in my head constantly. How do I get him out of my head and get my life back?
So glad I found this website. I can truly relate to so many of you. My story starts with high school. We started dating and I fell in love. We seen each other for about 7 years and then he went into the army, we eventually lost touch and I let it go 30 years ago. I seen him about 20 years ago, but was married and just talked as friends. About a year ago he contacted me and told me he has thought of me quite often since seeing me 20 years ago but knew I was married (he also married) and knew it wasn't right to contact me. Honestly, we mostly have a passionate sexual chemistry. We have emailed every single day for one whole year. My husband had been goung out on me and broke my heart, I needed a friend and my "angel" came into my life when I needed him. He helped me feel better about myself and I started taking care of me. In the beginning he said he wanted to see me but made a vow to his wife and couldn't break that. I am the kind of person that seen that as so sweet and honorable, however, we then started sexting over email, then pictures. Grant you I'm 49 years old and my a$$ knows better, but this guy is like an addiction to me. I am, have always been and always will be in love with him and would do anything for him. Unfortunately he knows that, after about 8 months of this, I told him I just can't do this anymore and he said "okay, thanks for everything". ! $@# well, naive me let him lure me in again. He said "I make him happy" He makes me feel better about myself and made me happy...so I thought.
I am in a situation that I am trying to understand/fix.
I was once engaged and I thought that was what I wanted until I met this other guy. Spending time with this guy made me realize that there was too much damaged in the relationship I was in and jumping into marriage was not a good idea. I called off the engagement and the other guy and myself started hooking up. FWB was the plan. In the beginning he told me not to fall in love with him and we'll be good- everything was fine. We spent time together, told each stories- got to know each other. Until he told me he had feelings for me. I was happy because I was feeling it to. Eventually we didn't really has a FWB relationship. He would tell me things like, "this isn't for sex" "I use to be the guy that would sleep with a girl and drop them until I wanted sex again" we had a pretty good connection. We both agreed that we understood how we felt about one another, but we didn't want to hope into a relationship just yet. We did a last distance for a month and you can say the communication was amazing. Even when he went out to bars with his friends they would tell me that he talks about me all the time and that I treat him good.
When I came back to town I stayed at his place for a week. Granted realizing now it was too long especially since we didn't establish a relationship with one another. Sometimes he would reference me as his girlfriend, but when we were alone- he would basically take it back and say that he panicked.
Along this time frame he was changing. His affections were a little less and he would tell me that I should go spend time with my friends, but I refuse to do so. The day of my birthday I had him come out to meet my friends and his friends and spend time. He was definitely showing signs of distance. As the night ended we got into an argument and he told me that, "he thought what he wanted was there, but it's not" "I've tried for two days and I just don't feel the same" we argued back and forth. He ended up telling me that, he was feeling trapped and smothered and he just wanted to come back to his place and relax. He said at first it was nice having me over- it's what he wanted but each day kept rolling and started to feel content and the annoyed. He told me he needed space and that he couldn't do us anymore.
Here is my concern. I don't know if I should just drop my feeling for him and go. I've promise to give him space, but I would like him to know I'm still here. The feelings between us were so strong and it scared me that they just dropped and I know that giving him space and freedom he'll think things over. I just don't want him to think things and turn out the wrong way. We have only really been "together" for like 2 months. What should I do?
Can someone please help me? i am so very sad right now. My long distance boyfriend of 10 years just disappeared. I can't figure it out? 3 weeks ago we went on a wonderful vacation to Mexico for 8 days, and never felt closer. He talked about the next vacation, and things were great. We haven't argued at all! I talked to him Sunday afternoon when he was on his way back home, and we laughed, talked for about 20 mintes. That night I called him at our usual 8:00 pm evening call, and the machine picked up. He called back 2 hours later and sounded mad about something, and was very vague.I asked him if anything was wrong, and he said no. We said goodnight, and he said "I'll call you tomorrow". I haven't heard from him yet. I haven't slept, eaten, and it just hurts and confuses me. If we fought, I could see the space, but things were normal. I have decided to give him his space by not calling/texting, and let him work out his problem, because I know I've done NOTHING wrong. Why do men act like this? So hurt...I'm walking around like a zombie right now.
I really hope you answer because im so confused. but let me get started on this "relationship". so this guy ive known since I was 18/19 years old (now im 24) was my bestfriend cousin. When felt saw him we had chemistry but he had a girlfriend at the time so i didnt bother to make it seem like i was interested but we've became friends and he would always check up on me. Now its Sept 2013 and i havent heard from in years and we hit it off right away when i found out his was single. i felt like he was my bestfriend because we talked about EVERYTHING and i was always attracted to him so my guard went down faster. When we were dating, he would always bring up his past relationship with his mothers child. i knew this was a red flag but i just wanted to help him get past everything. eventually he did stop bringing her up but he would tell me how she broke him and it would be harder for him to open up. and i was willing to wait for him until i seen some changes in him. my heart began to open fully when his was still so cold. i had to constantly ask him if he was into me. Even though i felt like he liked me sometimes i felt like he didnt. he would be so hot and cold. SO now its MAY 2014 aound mothers day. ALL in one week he lost his wallet, his grandmother in hospital, money wasnt flowing in a usual, another job oppourtunity came but he didnt get it, he lost his car and also no money to pay phone bill. we were texting though a message app constantly until i felt him slipping away. i would constantly tell him i was there for him if he need me. and i began to freak out because he wasnt texting my phone and then eventually he stop ALL CONTACT for a whole month. June 2014 is our bday months. i called him on the day after his bday because i was scarred of him not picking up the phone but he DID! i wasnt mad i just wanted answers. he told me i deserved more. i deserved someone who was better looking had more money and had their own apartment and car basically pushing me away but i knew this was all BS! I felt like it was easier for him to push me away because he didnt really open his heart fully to me? so the pain didnt hurt as much to him as it hurt me. he actually took the time to open me up and he can just leave just like that? Now its July 15, 2014 i called him because i needed closure from all this i asked if we could meet up but he couldnt give me a direct answer of saying yes or no. he just said he'll let me know but when i told him i missed him and was thinking about him it was just a longgg pause not i miss you too. NOTHING! im so confused! there he go not expressing hisself again
There's nothing to be confused about, LeftOut; he's telling you in every possible way that he's not on the same page as you, that he's not interested in pursuing a relationship with you, and that you should move on and find someone else. It's only you who's not listening to his words and his actions and believing him. Find out what it is in you that keeps you holding on to someone who can't give you what you're looking for, who can't be what you want him to be - and doesn't have any interest in doing so. Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. You're not being rejected; you're being released to be with someone who is on your same page, who does want what you want and wants this with you. You'll never be confused if you're with someone who's truly right for you!
My bf and I have had a long. History together and have been on and off for 6 years. He has some things going on in his life and has now decided to end our relationship and tell me he wants to be alone.
He said he loves me but I deserve better and he can't make me happy. I told him he could but pushing me away isn't the answer. He said he needs time to let things settle before he can think about being with me. I am so hurt, we have a wedding this Saturday to go. To. I asked him if he was still coming ( stupid question I know). He said it's not a good idea right now and to tell my friends he had to go away for the weekend. I then asked him what do I tell my parents as they often wonder what is going on with us, he said tell them were on a break so I can get mylife on track. In the mean time he doesn't want me to contact him or ask him questions about us etc. he said too much has happened and we went about our relationship the wrong way and that I tried to rush it. I did try to get things moving only bc I am 28 and he is 31 and it's been a long time I just wanted us to move forward. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 13. She is currently furious with both her parents bc she feels they are lying to her and she is confused as to who her dad is with. She asks him if he is with her mom and he says no but when she asks about me he just doesn't say anything. He tells me often he doesn't want to be with her and he said in his heart he wants to be with me but feels like we've been torn apart with all the arguing... I don't want to give up just yet...what can I do to help this...like I said he's told me he wants to be alone for a while and I just don't seem to get it...it's embarrassing I know but I live him and I'm just so sad and heart broken-- he fought for me so hard at the beginning. Promising he'd never hurt me again..and now this. I have tried contacting him a few times but he tells me the same thing...he needs this time to get his stuff straight, and be happy. Tells me to be strong.... I just feel like he wants to break up and is doing it slowly but I am holding on to hope for us. I cry all the time and now I am really trying to leave him alone bc I'm scared I'll push him away more, I know I'm a great person and he's even told me I am and that he doesn't deserve all this love I show him but it's just who I am with him. What do I do, I feel desperate and pathetic.
Thank you!!! This reading just gave me life!!!!! I feel better and when/if I begin to feel bad or begin to miss him, I will re-read this post.
Big hugs!!!
I'm so glad this post resonated so much with where you are right now, LKF. Thank you!
Hi, thanks for the great article.
I myself happen to be in him pulling away situation.
But I have a practical problem - how do you "let him go in order to bring him back" how do you initiate the talk, do you break the contact and say au revoir and hope he will come back? How do you approach this situation without gambling??
By remembering that you're both free to choose who you want to be with and within that choice, comes the knowledge and acceptance that you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you. Instead of formally letting someone go, I would focus instead on you and your own life and let go by detaching yourself emotionally from this person first. It's more of a mindset than anything else. You give them some space by stopping being the one doing the initiating, by shifting the focus to living your own life, spending time with your friends and family and pursuing your own hobbies, activities and things you're passionate about so that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't matter so much. Then you notice what's going on within that space. Does he pick up the slack by initiating with you? Or does he let the space be, showing you that he's content with it? There are no gambles, there's just allowing space to see if you're both on the same page, looking for the same thing with each other, and if there's a willingness on both your parts to do what it takes to make this relationship work. You can't make anyone love you or want to be with you, you can only shift the energy from one where the focus is all on him and the relationship to where it's now on you and your own life and see where you both stand from there. If it's meant to be, it will be, but it always takes two.
What if they wanted to be with you first? I find this happens so often, I am blown away by their presence, their response to me, then POOF! After me feeling comfortable and hope that I can be with someone they do the slow fade.
This is more painful than I can ever bear.
You're not alone, Ballycastle. Slow things down so that you really take your time to get to know someone before allowing yourself to be "blown away by his presence". It's the only way to know if he's truly worthy of you before you give too much of yourself away.
I am glad I found this site and read everyone's comments. What if the person you love is confused/hurt from a recent breakup? I say recent but it isn't, they split last Jan 2013 but he is still trying to get over it. It was OK in the summer when we met/became lovers but when the house sale came through (they lived together) he got worse and more distant to the point where I found the rejection so hard to take. I am not sure if I can take anymore, he hardly contacts me and says he is settling into his new house and will feel better when more secure. But I don't think I can take it anymore, I have waited for almost 6 months thinking he will bounce back when I need to realise that he has 'checked out'. What gets me so angry is when my last relationship before him ended he told me (when we were friends) that my ex (ex) partner who ended it was 'an idiot' and now he is doing the same thing, abandoning me, exactly like the first guy did. Why would someone say to me, say that they love you but yet not invest in you? I have been everything, I have been patient for him to work through his hurt from his relationship ending, been patient, understanding, but it is never enough for these people. As you can see with 2 relationships ending in 2 years I feel a total failure. I am mid 40's and have not had a successful relationship for almost 15 years. I don't want to be alone but can't carry the pain of being heartbroken again. Why do men time and time again say they want relationships when they are not MAN enough to commit. It makes me so angry. I feel jealous of anyone in a relationship now.
Welcome, Bally! The thing about rejection is that it's never personal even though we make it all so personal. It's always about where someone's at and has nothing to do with us. But it's the hardest thing to see when we're going through it, I know. Don't feel like a failure, you're simply attracted to a similar type of guy with the same MO, so it makes perfect sense why you're finding the same outcome with them both. The key is figuring out what you're attracted to in these types of men so that you can recognize it before it happens again. And that's where noticing our stories and our beliefs come in.
When you see the role you play, and use it to empower you instead of another reason to beat yourself up, you'll find someone different shows up and you'll be ready for him - and he will be man enough to commit! Don't look at anyone else, this is about you, Bally. And you deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else. It sounds like you're angry at yourself as much as any "him", so if you can explore that further and discover what's at the root of that, you may find more of your answers. And of course, it's always our first relationships with our fathers that often reveal so much more.
You have a right to your own boundaries, and it's not your job to convince anyone of your worth. Let him own his own confusion. That's his and not yours, and when you refuse to take on and make your own what isn't yours, you'll find yourself free to be yourself. Take some time to focus on you and figure out who you really are and what you're honestly looking for and it will be that much easier to know it when you see it and when you don't.
Hi Jane, thanks for the response. And yes you're right I am angry with myself for being the idiot that believed all his BS about me being special, creative, attractive yet, when I asserted any emotion, like the others he bolted. I have been doing a lot of reading about showing emotions to men, and even though he showed his to me (devastated with his recent split with ex) it seems I can't be vulnerable with him. I have gone no contact for 22 days and he hasn't reached out to me, and I won't him, as his actions tell me everything.
My father was emotionally unresponsive so I guess I will chose men that do the same as this is 'love' to me. So I am taking myself out of the dating game because I cannot risk being hurt any more for now. I am 46 and still trying to understand the dynamic of intimate relationships. My father never seemed to be happy with anything I did, hence again why I try to convince these men (who are always so KEEN on me first, chase me, love me, etc etc) that I am worth staying with. I honestly don't think I can 'do' relationships with men.
But I do know that I will have to play the game going forward and keep all my emotions hidden until I know it is safe to reveal myself.
Hard I know, but I have to protect myself.
thanks for your help.
You'll get there, Ballycastle. Awareness and recognition of your triggers and blind spots is the first step. After that, you'll see more because you'll know more - and you'll know what you do and don't deserve!
This site has been really helpful but my situation is sort of unique. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and this morning we had to have a conversation about whether to stay together or not. You see I'm at a loss. In the beginning neither of us wanted a relationship we were just buddy's. We hung out and became close friends. Then we started sleeping together regularly and began a relationship. Over the years we have gone through these ruts. He will start thinking of me less and I pull away so I don't suffocate him but then he really starts to pull away and I go into overdrive mode/sort of crazy and we have a big blow out fight then things are better until it happens again. We have been able to work through most of our bad habits. The big now out fights are few and far between. Things are decent but he doesn't understand when I say I need affection. He just says that he's not that guy. But that's a lie if it were true then he wouldn't be thoughtful at all. He brings me home a candy bar sometimes when I'm pmsing. I'm not a very romantic pain myself and he knows I don't expect much he has said it himself. I don't want to be the queen. I tried to tell him I just want to feel like he is genuinely interested in me. If I say something don't cut me off if I look like I'm in pain ask if I need anything don't just say sorry. He wants me to do all the girlfriend things but treats me like I'm his roommate. We still laugh together we still hangout. When I tried to say I just want to feel like you are actually in live with me he says it's high school stuff. He says he just wanted to work hard for us and to make something of himself. I don't understand how he can be so understanding and wise sometimes and others times it seems like he just don't care to put the thought into maybe doing something a little extra for me. Just cause things aren't bad doesn't mean their good. Especially when sex hardly ever crosses his mind. He just makes it seem like he has no idea where I'm coming from. We wanted this to be special but we each feel like we're the one doing all the work. He says I'm ungrateful because he does do things for me. I just don't know what to do. Do I accept him with his bipolar relationship tendencies and buck up because being number one isnt what life is about or do I work with him some more to level out the flops or do I focus more on myself and hour he doesn't get so involved in his life that I might be forgotten or do I leave and hope it makes it easier for us or do I leave it up to him.
What does your gut instinct tell you to do here, Amber? Listen to what comes up for you when you ask yourself what you really want and whether it's this. Ask yourself what decision will bring you the greatest amount of peace and happiness and leave you with the least amount of regrets. Our answers are always telling. It comes down to what he's worth to you and what you can live with and what you can't. It doesn't have to be so cut and dry. You should never have to "buck up" in a love relationship, but being open to see the reality of what is and not just what you'd like it to be will tell you more about what you really have with him.
Are you both on the same page? Do you want the same thing? Are you both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen? Those are things that matter, that make you compatible in the ways that matter in the long-term. If you both want this to work, it will. But instead of trying to get him to give you what you're looking for, try making the shift where you find other ways to fill your own cup outside of what he doesn't seem to be able to give you and see what that does to shift the energy in your relationship when you're not feeding the push and pull dynamic.
You can't change him but you can change yourself by focusing on yourself, by creating a life for yourself so full of your hobbies, your interests, the things you're passionate about, and the people who love and support you so that what he does or doesn't do isn't as important as your own life. Only you know what that looks like for you. It's always your decision, but getting in touch with yourself and defining for yourself what matters most to you is how you find that out. Know that no matter how involved someone gets in his own life, you can never be forgotten by someone who doesn't want to forget about you!
I am so happy I found this blog. I, like Amber K have been in this "bi-polar" type relationship. Known each other 3 years, dating/bf gf a little over 2 1/2. I am very understanding and giving. I want to be able to live my life and go out and travel with and w/o my BF and I respect that with him too. Any time he has pulled away it has only been for a few days and I have always respected his space bc he is very moody. Each time he has come back (4-5 times already). Well this time it's different. About 2 months ago I noticed he started making excuses about staying over (we only see each other about once a week b/c of schedules and his preference - in the beginning it was every 3 days or so). Then the sex stopped - always an excuse (sick, low testosterone, or bc he wasnt staying over). He totally blew me off a few weeks ago having gone fishing with his boys (yes drank too much I expected it but I didnt make a huge deal out of it). This past week we were supposed to have a date night (Friday). I just started a new job that Monday and wanted to unwind and celebrate w him. He told me (through text) that he was in a very bad mood and wanted to do it another night. Apologized knowing I was really looking forward to it. I sent a text back "ok well when you are better you let me know" if it was verbal he would have caught on that i was being nasty instead b/c it was text he was like ok im sorry. I decided to do my usual backing off did not contact him. Sat night he simply sent a text "hi" - I responded about 1 1/2 hrs later (bc I was out w friends and not going to text back asap) simply said i was thinking of him and asked what he was up to. He replied still at work almost 3 hrs later (he's a cop). Sunday morning i text him back just saying "hope youre feeling better, love you." he writes back early after noon "little tired. still blah. love you" i told him "hang in there just be patient it will pass. iam here if you need anything. love you very much" he writes back immediately "thank u. loe u". I call him later that night, no answer. I followed up w a text "just called to say hi. hope night is going well" I do not hear back but did discover that he was at a Pool Party one state away w his boys. I was upset - why didnt he tell me? Did he decide last min? He has lied to me in the past about being at work and then I will find out he was at a bar, or somewhere else. I decided not to reveal what I knew - maybe he would tell me. I did not contact him on Monday. Later in afternoon he sends a text "hi baby. hope your day is going well. thinking about you". I answer hours later "day is good. busy" (he hates when Im short w my answers). I called him late that night. Left a vm this time simply saying i wanted to know how he was doing bc I hadnt spoken to him in a few days (Thurs night b/f date night we were supposed to have was last I spoke with him on phone). He texted me a few mins later "will call you in a bit" and he did. Said he was tired. Working and on bullshit assignments. I didn't ask if he worked Sun as his shifts go 4 days so Sat-Tues. He did not breathe a word about pool party. He hasn't made any indications of getting together this week. I spoke w him on phone briefly tues afternoon but didn't not contact him afterwards. Later that night he called I pretended I had just fallen asleep (i was out w a friend) told him I went out and had a few drinks. He sounded surprised. I asked how he was he sounded blah. Today was his first day off I spoke w him told him o enjoy his day - usually I ask if we will get together. He was just blah on the phone. I haven't heard from him and wonder if he will make an attempt to see me tomorrow. He is off. WHAT IS GOING ON>?
P.S. we had a fight about a month ago and I brought up the fact that I felt he didnt want to spend time with me and he yelled "i dont want to worry about losing my gf bc Im not hanging out with her. We will hang out" Was he indirectly telling me he needs space or a break?
Thank you Jane; deciphering men is so difficult! We have again had a few sporadic texts but it is the same thing - words ("when I get time I want to see you" ) but no actions to match (not initiating to ask/check in, or make any firm arrangements. Its funny because me and my friend were laughing about it as she has a similar issue with her guy and we were saying that they like TALKING about seeing us rather than ACTUALLY seeing us! I was also listening to a song the other week called "Only Love Can Hurt Like This" and although I'm not in love with the guy, I am hurting due to his distance, where he appears not to be and the only explanation for my hurting is that I am making it an issue because my feelings for him are stronger than his are for me. I agree with you totally and I have pulled right back now; no contact from me at all; like you say why want a guy who doesn't want me? It has been 10 days; I know that doesn't sound a lot but its 10 long days!! I still wish he would just turn round and say "look i'm so busy I don't think we can make this work" - you know what I mean?? I would have more respect for the guy if he was honest instead of drawing this out!
I love these posts about commitment and letting go if the guy is not on the same page..we are so thought that WE have to do everything for love and that there is only ONE person out there that deserves your feelings that once we feel that, we are over shadowed and do not realise its not at all like that...This is great reading! I have started to compare falling in love and being in relationship with a friendship lately because I am so use to have friends coming and go, different places I lived on, people moving etc, depending on where you are in life you connect deep to a friend and that lasts for a period..and I always taken it as a natural thing and never been afraid of not finding new friends, so why should I be that on finding a new love? Its the same thing right with that little extra magic added, an awesome connection that prolongs. And depending on where in life we are, we feel it to different people. I don't think I have even been this year when I had this huge crash on this doughbag. If I would, I don't think I would have fallen for someone that can´t make up his mind. Thanks again, see you soon 😉
What a great perspective, Alva; how interesting it is to see how different we view friendships versus romantic relationships when you put it like you have. I'm so glad these are resonating with you! 🙂
hello there
I am writing because I have recently got together with someone. it happened pretty quickly and we already told one another that we love each other. The problem is he says that and then for a day or two a week he completely disappears. I don't hear anything from him. i don't like to pester him so just write a couple of messages or texts. this time he has been ignoring me for 2 days nearly. it is driving me mad and despite my feelings for him I am thinking about finishing it. I find it so confusing. another thing is he broke a date last week and still hasn't replanned it. i have hinted I want to see him again soon and actually been very honest I Want to see him more. He just says I can come over when ever I like but How can I feel like that when he turns his phone off and his messages remain unread and un replied to. I am so confused. its like a game! I know he has been depressed- had anxiety and other issues but he says i help him feel better but then he ignores me completely and i am about ready to leave it for good. Thanks for listening...
It sounds like he's confused about what he wants, Sara, and that's why you're getting such mixed messages. You're not going to change him, so you have to decide what you can and can't live with and what having in your life - on his terms - is worth to you. You have a couple of choices. You can accept where he's at and what he's capable of giving you right now and keep living your own life and keeping your options open so that what he does or doesn't do with contacting you or being available to see you doesn't affect you so much. Or you can move on to someone who is on the same page as you, who does want what you're looking for, and knows himself what he wants. He's going to do what he wants to do regardless of what he may say; you do the same!
hello!,I love your writing very much! share we communicate extra about your article on AOL? I require an expert on this house to solve my problem. May be that's you! Taking a look forward to look you.
This post is over a year old and still getting responses! I can see why. About me: I was in a relationship with a guy about 7 years ago and due to a move it didn’t go anywhere. We recently reconnected and have been seeing each other for 6 months now. Yesterday I told him I had to move on and asked him to refrain from texting or calling me as well. Sometimes I felt like his one and only, other times I felt like his friend. When I would call him out on it he would say, “you know I have feelings for you” but then he would follow it up with, “if you can find someone to move forward with go ahead; I understand.” My thought was, why, if you’re my “man” would you even think about me dating someone else. It’s all mind games. He wants to see what else is out there (all the while telling me he wants me to bear his child!!) and if nothing is better then what? He has me to fall back on. No way. Anyway, I have loved him for a long time and I thought maybe if I stick it out he’ll turn around. BUT after reading this I realized I did the right thing.
I'm so glad this helped you realize this for yourself, Jaliya. And as you can see by all the responses; you're so not alone!
Hi Jane
Ive just come across your website & found it so interesting. It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one having to deal with difficult times. I've not been the luckiest person in relationships, my first serious boyfriend run off with my best friend, my ex husband cheated on me, got her pregnant (I can't have children but would love them) & I suffered both mental and physical abuse from him. On my 30th birthday I decided life was too short and left him. It was the hardest decision I've had to make but looking back two years later I should have done it sooner. Only now all the mental abuse is causing difficulties in my new relationship. I've been seeing a guy for 18 months, he's the most amazing person. He's the only one I've ever trusted since day one. We moved in together after six months but unfortunately three months later his business went bankrupt and we both ended moving back to our parents so we could get back on our feet financially. It was hard being back at parents and there was no intermancy between us which ive found difficult. We've got a house now (in joint names) but he's just not ready to move in (I'm living in the house). His dad is isnt very well and he's struggling to leave & he feels like he needs to be there. We have been through a tough time over the last few months but we've come through it. I feel he's scared of getting close to me again because he thinks I deserve someone better. We've spent hours talking & he said he's worried our relationship is too damaged!! I'm the first person he's really been in love with and that's he's committed to. There hasnt been any intermancy since we moved out of our old house. We don't get to see much of each other due to our work patterns, it was easy to deal with when we lived together. This week would have been my wedding anniversary, although I'm so glad to be rid of my ex & free I've struggled because I feel like such a failure from the marriage & now this relationship isn't working. Is it something im doing? I really struggle with body dismorphia & have said to my boyfriend he might be better with someone much slimmer, prettier. I can't help thinking I'm a constant reminder of all bankrupty etc!!
I have no doubt this man truly loves me, I can still see a future for us and growing old and grey together. I just don't know what to do to get our relationship back on track and for him to see once he moves in with me we can rikindle our love & get back what we had. Any help or advise is welcomed as I'd love all this pain to go away so I can get back to being happy 🙂
No one's damaged, Miss C, we're all doing the best we can with what we know at the time. Every single one of us. Our issues may be different, our struggles may not be the same, but the fact that we all have our stuff - whether we're open enough to see it or not - is what connects us and makes us all human! Leave your past in the past, and start fresh right now with where you are.
Don't go there to that place where you're tempted to play the victim and tell your boyfriend he'd be better off with someone else. He wouldn't be. It's only fear that makes us say those things; someone who loves you for you won't want anyone else no matter what you feel your "flaws" may be. He'll love you for you and only you.
My best advice, Miss C. is always to focus on you and what makes you happy first. Don't give away your power, you've got everything someone else does, no matter how much you think you don't. Give him some space to be himself and don't nag, don't try to manipulate or control him. Don't play games. Your role isn't to make anyone love you; it's to be yourself - to be honest - to be real.
Remember that you'e the prize here - because you are! Make your own life so full and happy with the things that bring you joy so that you won't be looking to him to complete you or fill you up. Because when you live your life like this, you'll find out that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter as much as you do, and if he's ready to take things to the next step, you'll have given him the best chance to do this on his own. That's what this is all about; living your own beautiful life in such a way that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't matter; what matters above all else is your own happiness!
My boyfriend of 2 and1/2 years (to the day) broke up with me last week. We started dating 4 and 1/2 years ago, when we were in high school, but at that time, he was more interested in me than I was in him, so it never really went anywhere. When I went off to college, I started to realize how much I missed having him around all the time, so I agreed to finally (after 2 years of being chased) enter into a committed relationship with him. The next two years or so were the best and happiest of my life. He made me laugh, supported me, made me feel loved, and made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. He was the real deal. I was close to his family, and he was close to mine. We talked every day because we wanted to, and, together, we showed the world what true love really looked like. Fast forward to about four months ago, he left home for the first time and took a new job (about 3 hours away) in the city. I was still in college, so nothing changed for me, but his whole world turned upside down. This job gave him his first taste of independence, and he loved it more than any job he'd ever had before. I knew, when he decided to move there, that I'd see him less often, but he assured me that nothing could ever change the way felt about me and that this move would only strengthen our relationship, so I believed him. Slowly but surely, he began to call and text me less. It eventually got to a point where I was starting to feel like talking to me was one of his chores and like he only contacted me because he had to. In February, he didn't even get me a Valentine's Day present (yes, I got him one). This job, though, was consuming so much of his time. He was literally working 12-17 hour shifts, so I knew he was busy and tired, and I tried to leave it at that. About one month ago, I decided to start opening up to him and letting him know how much it hurt me that he didn't have time for me anymore, and with that, the flood gates were opened. He told me I wasn't being supportive of his new job and lifestyle, and I told him he wasn't making an effort in our relationship. We had this same argument over and over, and nothing ever seemed to get resolved. We still saw each other about once a week, and when we were together, everything seemed fine, but the second he went back to the city, the arguments started again. I was hurt, but I was hoping we could work through this situation together because we'd already been through so much, then two weeks ago, he stopped contacting me all together. I didn't hear a peep from him for 4 days until, on a Wednesdsy night, at 10:30 pm, he sent me a text that said he did not want to be in this relationship anymore. I told him to call me, but he, of course, was at work, so he didn't until the next day (about 25 hours later) at 11:00pm. When he called, he told me that he doesn't know who he is, what he wants, or who he wants to be now that he'd started his new life in the city. He told me that being with me was holding him back from focusing on work and hanging out with the group of bachelor guys he worked alongside. He told me that he loved me and that I was one of his best friends, but that he wanted this new lifestyle more than he wanted me. I was absolutely crushed. Before we hung up the phone, he told me he didn't want to erase me from his life, and he assured me he's make an effort to make sure that didn't happened, but that conversation took place a week ago, and I still haven't heard from him. Going against everything my heart has been telling me to do, I've been holding back the urge to contact him. I decided that I want to talk to him, but only if he truly wants to talk to me. This week of playing the "waiting game" has been heartbreaking because I've seen via Facebook that he's had time to contact other people. He even made plans to take a week long summer trip with the guys he works with which made me realize that he is much more committed to his new lifestyle than he is to me. I was the only thing holding him back from complete independence and freedom. This article helped me realize that this is his problem, not mine. I've spent all week wondering what went wrong and how I could fix it, but this article helped me see that the only thing I did wrong was love him with all of my heart. I don't know what I'm going to do from here because I love him so much and I miss him evey day, but things make a little more sense to me now, so I'm trying to stay strong. Thank you for putting these wise words about commitment out there. Reading them helped me find more clarity than you'll ever know.
I'm so glad this words are helping you through this hard time, Heartbroken. I so hear your pain as it is never easy to accept that someone has changed, that they're choosing something different and you're no longer on the same page as you once were. I hope you're seeing that this has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you. In fact, it's a story that I hear so often where circumstances change and you're left alone when someone you thought you knew finds a new life for themselves that doesn't include you.
"I decided that I want to talk to him, but only if he truly wants to talk to me". These are such beautiful, strong words, Heartbroken. Be so proud of yourself for coming to this on your own; that you only ever want to be with someone who wants to be with you!
You have your whole beautiful life ahead of you! Focus on you, on creating your own full life. Don't ever make anyone the center of your universe. Let someone be themselves and you be your own true self. Fill your life with your own friends, your own hobbies, your own passions. Don't try to manipulate or control circumstances or people because of what you think makes the most sense for them. You can't know someone's path and what's best for them. You can only control yourself. Don't be tempted to play games. Be yourself; your beautiful authentic true self so that you will easy to find for someone who is looking for someone exactly as you are - and is on your same page!
Keep your options open and adopt the mindset that you are the prize here - because you always are! And when you make your own life so full and happy with the things that bring you joy, you won't be looking to anyone else outside of you to complete you or fill you up. I hope this helps, Heartbroken. You're never alone here. And you deserve to be loved for who you are, for what you want, and where you're at. If someone's not on the same page as you, you haven't lost what you think you have. It matters as much as anything else.
Okay, I'm just a teen and I understand trying to get a 20 year old in college to commit is like getting a cat in the tub. We've been talking for a few months but he lives about 100 miles away. When I go see him it's all couple stuff like holding hands and kissing and cuteness but he only labels is friends. I finally told him of he's going to label is friends he has to stick with it, he can't have both. After I do that I won't hear from him in days. Being just friends with him is killing me but I feel like I have to stick with it, ultimatums never work and I can't just give up on him. Help please?! I don't know what to do here, is he embarrassed of me or too scared to commit? Of he wants to at all. Am I just a toy to entertain himself for right now?
You're not just a teen, Hopeless, you're a beautiful young woman with so much to offer someone who is truly deserving of you! This is such an exciting stage of your life with your whole life ahead of you! It's so important to understand that your role is never to convince anyone of your worth, to "get" someone to commit to you. Your role is to be your beautiful true self and see who shows up on his own without needing any convincing of why he should want to commit. If this guy is right for you, you'll know because you won't have to do or be anything except yourself. You don't need to be chosen, Hopeless. You decide what you want and what you won't.
Don't take any of his actions or behaviors personally. This is all about him and not about you. A 20 year old guy is rarely, if ever, looking for a committed relationship when his own like is just beginning. Don't put yourself through this! Enjoy his company if you want him in your life! But if you can't just enjoy without wanting more than he's willing to give you, then don't do this to yourself. You're the one who gets to choose how you want your life to be, and feeling like there's something wrong with you or that you're a toy to entertain him is not what you deserve!
I just ended a fwb situation tonight and I feel so good about it!! I haven't felt so great in awhile. My feelings for this man made it so I almost felt like a slave to the situation. I started dating him 10 years ago when I was only 18. We ended up moving in together and our relationship went on for over 2 years. I stuck by him through some of the most horrifying circumstances. I was young dumb and in love. One day he just up and left. He was not stable. I was hurt and didn't hear from him again for about 6 years or so. He got a hold of my number and called to simply apologize for everything that happened and that was that. Well I recently got out of a 5 year relationship with the father of my very young daughter and we began talking again. Eventually it became more than talking but we both agreed that we didn't want anything serious. This went on for months about once a week. We went out and were very affectionate. Had sex a lot. One day after staying the night at his place I remember i woke up from a nightmare of him with another woman. He comforted me and I just straight out admitted right there that I had deep feelings for him and didn't know I could continue with him like we were. He told me he had feelings too but just wasn't ready. I said ok and I'd continue to see him but was glad I told him how I felt. So I continued seeing him but it didn't feel the same. I started to almost feel disgusted with him. He would say that he hoped he wasn't treating me carelessly and that I meant the world to him and he never wanted me out of his life ever again. But I just don't care anymore. He WAS being careless with me. If he valued our friendship so much he should've ended the sexual relations. But he didn't so i did. I texted him that I hoped we could be friends but I needed time apart and no longer wanted to have sex with him and needed to put my foot down. You'd never believe his response jus confirmed i indeed did the right thing. He said i understand. maybe we can do lunch next weekend. It's whatever u want. Sex is fun too but it doesn't have to be every week. Everyone gets attached including me. I know u prob r gonna want to hook up with someone else eventually and I don't wanna get in the way of that (sheesh) but in my experience relationships haven't been very productive and not what u think in the end and they consume years of ur life. But maybe that will change for me someday.- I thought to myself, "really??? First of all u do not respect that I want time apart and that I DO NOT want sex with u. Then u express ur unhealthy view of relationships as tho you'd expect me to adopt those views. (Funny how he shared those strong opinions immediately after assuming I'm interested in looking to hook up with someone else who will possibly provide for me what he cannot) then give a false hope statement like maybe someday it'll change for me... Hmmmmm.." It's just so clear how incredibly selfish he is. He totally lacked respect for my feelings in the situation and was looking to keep the whole thing going but less frequently. What a jerk! I responded saying naw I need more time than that. Again I do not want to have sex anymore nor do I want to be in the situation where id be tempted to have sex. I don't feel good about it anymore. Lets just stay in touch maybe if u want then. Ttyl." I'm gonna take a time out for awhile and then maybe in the future consider my options as far as emotionally available men that will respectfully date me with the prospect of there being a future. I want a real life long partner one day, and I'm not going to let a commitment phobe ruin that for me. I don't care how invested I believe I was or how much history I had with the guy. I love what u r doing on this page. Women need to find the strength to move on from these unhealthy situations. I felt even more betrayed by this man bc he knew all the pain I suffered through w my child's father. One night I cried in his arms bc of it. He took advantage of me. But he also may my realize the level of pain he could've caused in the situation. Seems he inflicts enough on himself to be honest. Is the guy truly happy? I wouldn't bet on it. But I would bet my life I am and I'm not about to throw my happiness away for one man. Thanks again for what u r doing here. This is so encouraging!! I hope my comment here will provide further encouragement. Cheers!! 😉
May not realize the level of pain*** what I meant to type
Thanks for sharing your story, Vanessa; it's truly inspiring to hear! That's the kind of power that comes from within, when you realize how strong you really are, how much more you deserve than what you're settling and how in the end, as you found out, the reality of what was true all along is suddenly crystal clear. But only when you've had enough, only when you come to realize what you're worth and draw your own line in the sand.
I'm so glad you've found your freedom, your life, your you again, Vanessa. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be loved the way you love! Now you're the one who's open and available to find the love you so deserve with someone who's on your page, who wants what you want and shares your view on what relationships are meant to be.
Thank you for encouraging and inspiring all of us!
Hey jane,
@confused story really resonated with me coz I have a similar situation with a guy I've been loosely seeing.
My guy is a lot younger than me and pursued me hard. It was a physical "arrangement" but we text every day to check in, say goodnight and good morning, we were acting like a couple; he was initiating but I would always respond, and although we lived an hour away and both worked, we would catch up every couple of weeks. Things were great and we talked about our feelings; he said he didn't want to go a week without seeing me blah blah and I felt the same and had no reason to not believe him. Things were easy, and great.
Then we had a sleepover - our first one - at a hotel so we could spend the night together and wake up together. It was great and I dropped him back at work the next morning. Then the distance began. Just 3 days later after he hadn't text me I asked what was wrong n he replied that he had some family stuff he had to deal with and that he needed time to sort it out. I said I understood and I would give him what he needed in terms of support. I reached out to him most days to say I was thinking of him and sometimes he replied and always apologised for "putting this on me" and always said he missed me. Tbh the lack of seeing him and this support was really start to drain me and I tactfully told him that I would now give him space so he could deal with his stuff. He was totally fine with this, so he said but by now I was initiating every text and not him. He would respond sometimes and completely ignore at other times. This push pull went on 2 or 3 months and I started to ask him when we would see each other. He would then always say he was too busy at work but when he got time he would see me. That was all he kept telling me. I got so fed up and I tried to end it with him twice but immediately regretted it and apologised and he said he was ok with it. But onetime he got a day off and I couldn't see him due to my work commitments he ignored all my text messages for 3 weeks!!!! After another month we kept in touch sporadically but when I asked again about seeing him he then said he had more family problems to deal with but he wanted to see me soon. I said fine but he couldn't keep pushing me away by ignoring my communication. He said ok yet immediately he reverts back to Ignoring me and my texts. By this time I had enough. I told him that he was displayed all the same behaviour and it showed lack of interest and rudeness and I asked him to choose someone else. His response? "Take care and sorry" . That's it. Nothing else. I didn't reply and haven't since. I get the fact that the guy is just not into me anymore but why be a coward and push someone away, and why does it feel like you are dealing with two completely different guys; the first one if so loving and attentive and fun and the second one is cold and mean and heartless. Which one is the genuine guy???
I know this is hard, Skinnyram, but it sounds like he's not sure himself what he wants or why his actions contradict what he says when you confront him. Don't take any of this personally; this is about him, and not you. He's showing you what he's comfortable with - the type of space that works for him. When someone isn't sure what they want, or when they think they're ready for more but in reality they're not, you have that feeling you're with two different guys that you've experienced with him. If you look back at what you wrote, you can see that he's been most comfortable leaving the initiating of most of the relationship up to you, allowing him to take his place in the easy non-committal role of responding when and if it worked for him, without having to invest very much of himself.
Try not to get caught up in overthinking his response to your telling him to choose someone else. He doesn't see it the way you do, and you'll probably never be able to understand why. It doesn't help in the long run. The only thing that does is remembering that when you give someone space and see what he does with it - if he comes closer with his own initiation or if he lets the distance be until you decide to make it up - you find out where someone really stands. And that's what matters, you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you. Someone who's on the same page as you, who wants the same thing you do - with you! - and who is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That's what you deserve, and nothing less!
I broke off with my boyfriend his week. We've been together 3 years now and its been what I thought was a committed relationship. WE spend all of our free time together, which amounted to me spending 4 nights a week at his house, the other 3 weeknights we talk on the phone throughout the day and at night 2 hrs before bed too! We go on holidays and overseas trips together and our lives are entwined with each others families. So its like we are living together, but we're not. I feel like his wife, but I'm not. Anyway he has to move out of his flat in December and he wants to buy a place. I thought this a good time to discuss our future to see if we were on the same page...well...he became very defensive and refused to talk about by ending our dinner at the restaurant prematurely and dropping me off at my place.There have been a few other occasions were he refused to say whether he wanted to marry again and also times when he made sarcastic comments about marriage but I made it clear early on that I wanted marriage again in the future and he said he was open to marriage. The future conversation was a week ago and have not heard a word since...so I went round and collected all my stuff. Ive now removed him from FB. After all that time. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
PS we are in our early 50's
He has no children and lives alone
Hi Jane,
I came across your website as sort of a last resort to the way I have been feeling the last wee bit. I too, have like so many of the women here, have experienced in the recent weeks, heartbreak from a man that cant commit. What I struggle with is that he is unable to commit to me it seems. Over a year and a half ago, I went a social event where there were lots of people that I had gone to school with. In that group was this guy. While I didnt remember exactly at first, I did recognize him, and we seemed to hit it off with no trouble. From there this relationship blossomed. At first (since he was just recently seperated) it was friendship, and I was the friendly face and ear that he needed. I was always, day or night there. After not so long, the feelings became clear, he openly admitted that he was falling, and I knew in my heart that it was what i was feeling as well.
So after a world wind romance, a love that was palpable at times, and we both jumped in with both eyes closed, and both feet. We moved in together, we wrapped ourselves up in each others lives, and it was blissful state of happiness for a while. Then it all came crashing down. One morning I discovered that there was an email that said he had signed up for a dating site. I was crushed. I approached, and he said flat out it wasnt his. It took weeks for me to let the suspicion go. I then just as I was coming out of it, and felt, yes he was being truthful, did I not only find it again. I again was swimming around in uncertainty. He swore that he was here, with me, that he had always been here with me, but my heart didnt feel right. Something had either gone in that moment, or i was becoming aware that it was missing all along. I dont know....
In the months afterwards, I turned into a woman that I didnt even recognize. Everything was hard, everything had an ulterior motive, and my heart and head told me every day its just a matter of time before he actually leaves. Until 2 weeks ago....
We had gone out socially, and a dear friend of mine, told me to just observe. Watch what goes on around me. Let me tell you, I saw more than my heart could handle. It became so obvious that he was indeed searching for something else. So of course, the girl I am, I pushed for answers. I got them alright, he told me he needed a break, and that he was no longer in love with me in this moment. My worst fears had been realised.
So here i sit, alone, never really having given much of myself before this relationship, wondering if it was really all my fault. For the week after he told me he no longer was in love with me, he did admit that him and I had started too fast after his break up, and that he just wasnt ready. But I had a week of sheer torture. I shared my life, where I slept, and yes even gave into intimacy in the week before he left. Im absolutely devestated. Some days are good, and some not so much.
We promised we would stay friends, we promised that we would always be there for one another, but as the days go on, the angrier I get, the more sad I become, and the more I feel like I just cant.
My first love (whom I'm still not over) set the track record for not committing in the past. That's why we're not together now after 10 years. I married someone else 3 years ago, even though I knew I wasn't over him. We've remained in touch over the years. We both agree that we should have gotten together years ago, but we never move in that direction. He says that his waiting on me to show him and I say that I'm waiting on him to shows signs that he's ready. He says that he won't open up until I'm single. I say that he should open up regardless and you should have opened up years ago!! This situation is so difficult. I've been going back and forth with this situation for years and I feel like it is time to settle it. I really need your advice!
If you're married, Young and confused, then making that commitment that you made to your husband needs to be your first priority because that's the reality of what is right now. While our first loves can seem to have a certain kind of power over us if we allow them to, the reality is that they are rarely more than a fantasy or else they would be your reality. Know that it requires so little from him to tell you from where he stands with you obviously married, that he won't open up until you're single. It gives him such freedom, such a comfortable space to play with your emotions like this when you're committed to someone else. Trust yourself; there's a reason you moved on, there's a reason you married someone else. Give all this energy you're spending on someone who most likely would never be able to back up his promises with reality, to the person you have right now who loves you for who you are and was and still is willing to honor that commitment to you every day. You knew. Now it's time to focus on making what you've got right in front of you the very best relationship and marriage it can be. A fantasy is only that, a fantasy. It can never make you happy the way reality can.
I've been seeing someone for about two months. When we met, he had just moved to the city and broken up with his girlfriend of 2 years after she left him with a Dear John letter. We met on an online dating site and he said he was on there as a distraction and said that he wasn't expecting to meet me. We had fairly serious feelings and at one point had a conversation about slowing things down because he was worried about where he was emotionally.
We talked a little less and didn't see each other that week. I was disappointed but needed the break. Almost 2 weeks went by and we still hadn't seen each other. I was feeling disconnected from him and things felt odd. I suspected that he was dating someone else.
He finally made plans with me for what would've been 3 weeks later but then needed to cancel because something happened with his sister. I told him that I felt that maybe we needed to move on. He said he didn't want that and asked if we could talk about it. 2 days after he didn't call, I asked him if he didn't want to talk about it anymore. He told me that he did but there was something else. He had maybe met someone but wasn't sure. He was interested in her but has very strong feelings for me.
The hard part for me is that I care about him and I think being new to the city and fresh out of a relationship, he should date. It's what I want for him as his friend but it's not what I want. We talked extensively about it and he doesn't want to lose me but wants to explore this connection he has with this other person. He wants to date.
I feel that our connection is special and I want to invest in it to see where it goes--without the distraction of other people. I said this to him and said that. I don't want to take things slow and I don't mean that we need to rush things along either. I just want to be in it and give it a fair chance.
I don't think I can handle his dating someone else because I don't think I'd be "in it" as much as I would want to be and I am too jealous to handle it. I would obsess over details and wondering whether he prefers her. I like your comment to another poster to "Do what you can live with. Do what gives you the most peace and calm, and do what leaves you with the least amount of regrets." I think I know that I need to let it go and live my life--that if it's meant to be, it will work itself out--but I still worry that I am cutting this short because my expectations of him are too great. Is it fair?
It is fair, Piper; to you. These types of scenarios where someone is wanting to keep more of their options open and see what else is out there while you're ready to be more in the picture to give the two of you a fair chance to get to know each other more, is all about what you can live with and what you can't. Your concerns about "obsessing over details" and wondering about his preferences are completely valid. It doesn't sound like you're both on the same page here with all the confusion he's expressing and being new to a new time and place in his life.
There's a reason a real relationship is always about two people being on the same page and looking for the same thing with each other and being willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. It's never more complicated than that when it's what both of you want, Piper. And you get that when you say "I think I know that I need to let it go and live my life--that if it's meant to be, it will work itself out" - Exactly! And if you're not as sure about whether you're expecting too much too soon from him, then give him some space - give yourself some space - and maintain a level of contact that you can live with. This isn't about any set of rules and it doesn't have to be all or nothing; it just has to be what you can live with!
I walked away from my guy this weekend. One of the hardest things I've ever done and I've been crying ever since. We've only been seeing each other for three months, but have been talking for five. On our first date, he was very open about his past (3 divorces where 2 of the wives cheated on him) One of the divorces I actually don't count because he was a teenager and was forced to marry the girl he got PG with his daughter by his father. That marriage lasted 9 months. Once the baby was born, the mom disappeared and he's raised his daughter on his own.
Anyway, he was pretty clear that he wasn't sure if he wanted anything serious. Didn't really believe in relationships lasting and always said that the woman always left him in the end. We did start seeing each other with the understanding that we were exclusive, because we were sexual, but we were not in a relationship. IF things changed the road, then they changed but we weren't pushing anything. About four weeks into our arrangement, he got real distant on me and I asked about it. He blew up and said very clearly, "Once its complicated, I'm out." I guess that should've been my first warning, but instead, I just gave him some major distance because I knew about his past and was trying to be understanding. Then something bad happened in his life and I was there for him. Then he changed again. All kinds of mixed signals were being sent my way that eluded to his feeling having evolved. He sucks with good emotions if that makes sense. The bad he's able to express pretty easily, but good ones its like he became mute. But he'd do things so out of character for him. Cook me dinner. Wait on me. Ask my opinion on things he wanted to buy for his apartment because he wanted me to like the stuff in his apartment. Play slow romantic songs and sings them to me. Just very weird behavior and what I was used to. And I found myself on a emotional rollercoaster with him and falling helplessly in love. I tried giving myself a time frame to wait it out. It didn't last. This weekend he switched on me again.
After giving him some "attention," he went outside to smoke. He has never done this in the three months we've been together. Just left me by myself. I felt used and my mood changed. When we to the grocery store, he kept studying me and asked, "You haven't smiled in awhile. Are you okay?" I wasn't ready to talk about it because his "Once it gets complicated" statement is always in the back of my mind. I just said I'm find. But he had a troubled expression on his face and he took my hand and held it the rest of the time we shopped. He never does that. So I got mixed signals everywhere and my emotions all over the place. I decide to let it go and see how the rest of the day plays out. We watched a bunch of movies, he held my hand, cuddled with me, cooked me dinner…but never touched me. We have always had a very healthy sexual appetite for each other. The fact he got some attention, while I got none really started to mess with me. By the time, we went to bed, I was close to sobbing. He said, good night and in hindsight I can hear the hesitation in his voice now. I really don’t know why it was there. I spent the last movie with his head in my lap, finger combing his hair. Anytime I would stop he’d squeeze my ankle, which he was holding on to, and I would start combing again. And he’d relax. But as I lay there, I knew I was going to cry because I didn’t understand what was going on. I’d been fighting the tears all day and in the darkness I was losing. I couldn’t do it with him laying beside me. So I got up and said I was going to go home.
He rolled over and was like “Why? Why are you going home?” And it all just came out like verbal diarrhea. When I told him about the earlier and how it had made me feel used, he said what about the movies and dinner this afternoon? Doesn’t that count for anything? I told him that I feel like he invited me over to get his and then I was put in the friend zone. I also have needs but that wasn’t meet. That’s when I told him I didn’t think I was cut out for what he was looking for and it was time for me to walk away because I had feelings for him.
I went into the living room started getting my stuff, realized I didn’t have my glasses on and went back into the bedroom. He was sitting up on the edge of the bed at the time. He handed me my glasses and said, “I think you need to go home, calm down and think about this.” I stared at him, “What am I supposed to think about?”
He said, “You used walk away like you’re never going to talk to me again. You need to think about that.” I said, “Have you not heard a word I said? I am falling in love with you. You're the one who told me once it gets complicated you're out. I'm complicating it.” He said, “We can still be friends. Not have sex. Text. Talk. Still be in each others lives. You don’t have to completely cut me out.”
That’s when I realized I filled a void for him, but I don’t believe its actually ME that fills that void. I think maybe any woman could fill that void for him. It hurt. So I said, “I can’t just be a friend. I have deep feelings for you now. Its all changed.” He looked down at the floor, wouldn’t look at me, and said, “So its all or nothing?” That hit me badly. Like I was issuing him an ultimatum. I said, “Its not about all or nothing. Its about me and what I can handle.” He remained silent after that. I left. He let me. Then he deleted me off FB and no more words were needed.
The saddest part about all of this is he's not a bad guy. He's actually a good man who has been hurt so many times that what is left of him is ruined. Walking away from him Saturday was the hardest thing I've ever done. Not only was I love with him, he was my friend. Its so hard knowing I'm never going to see him again. Hear him laugh or see that smile of his again. I just can't be what he needs me to be, not with the way I feel about him. I just didn't expect to miss him so much.
We're never quite prepared for the reality of how much we can miss someone when we finally come to a decision to end it. Know that you're not alone, Denise. You came to this after a lot of consideration, after a lot of trying to make this work, after going over all the different possibilities of making this work. You came to what was the best thing you could do for you. You didn't come to this lightly. When you're with someone where the threat of "if it gets complicated, I walk" is there all the time as your reality, you don't have a whole lot of freedom to be and to live the reality of a real relationship that needs two people on the same page, ready and willing to do whatever it takes to make a relationship work.
You're exactly right, he's not a bad guy. We're all doing the best we can with what we know, and where we're at. But if he isn't willing to do the work on himself, to figure out his own issues how he wants to get past them, you can't do this for him. It's always about what you can live with and what you can't, and how compatible - how much on the same page you both are. You can't do this alone; it has to come from him, too.
Try not to focus so much on what you're going to miss or what you don't have now. Look at what you do have, trust yourself that you made this decision that was best for you. And know that whether it's him or someone else, when someone is truly right for you, they'll be there. On your page, wanting the same level of commitment as you, ready and willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. If it's him, he'll get there. If not, there's someone else out there looking for this with you. For now, be as loving and gentle on yourself as you can, Denise. Surround yourself with people who love and support you, and most of all trust yourself. You always know, deep down, what is best for you.
girl, you need to move on. Believe me, easier said then done. I have been in the SAME SITUATION and even until recently almost got wrapped up in that nonsense. The guy acted like my boyfriend: was protective, jealous, very affectionate, always wanted to see be with and talk to me, etc etc he said he loved me and I was totally in love with him. it was intense and passionate, whatever "it" was. He is 10 years younger and trying to go to dental school so he is completely wrapped up in that. yet, he was on a dating site so he must want something right? and if he claims he doesn't just want sex (and it didn't seem like it) well, what else would he want? casual dating I assume, problem is, most women aren't gonna be so casual after mos. of dating a handsome, charming extremely charming and passionate, caring guy so I see this as problematic and leading women on. If you CANNOT commit, then stay single and/or MAKE ABSOLUTE CERTAIN the other party knows this is just a FWB situation. I told him afte rI started to see a pattern of him giving then withdrawing "look, I can't do this in between.we are FWB or we are more." IF we are just FWB there was no need to speak to me night and friggin day, no need to call me up at work and talk to me all night when work's slow, no need to say you "love me" or you want to hold me and cuddle, no need to make future f*cking plans with me or talk about how cute our children would be, am I wrong for thinking I was led on? hell no. BUT I WAS WRONG FOR BEING LIKE YOU AND THINKING IT WOULD CHANGE. My sitaution with him only went on not even 2 mos, but yours looks much longer. I knew I wasn't gonna settle for this nonsense. Also, guy I'm talking about is 24, your guy has no excuse in his late 30's. how it has ended for me was me getting mad bc he would take hours and even a day to respond to a text message. This seemed disrespectful to me and I called him on it. He texted back (next day) and said "You know how many times I've wanted to text you but what's the point? I can't give you what you want and as you would say, I;m not stable. I would rather you think whatever you wanna think about me as opposed to us getting hurt". well, too late for that I said. I told him he was flake and that's fine, even though I was really hurt. He responded you knw I am always here for you and "I'm sorry for talking to you before knowing what I want". lol he did a lot more than talk. I responded that I don't need his pity, if he doesn't want me it's his loss and take care. That was about a week ago. do I feel like you, hurt, confused, wounded ego, angry, upset, missing him and everything else? YES. HOWEVER, THIS IS THEM WITHDRAWING IT. Do not blame or second guess yourself, have pride and dignity. people respect confidence. I've even talked to guys (lots of guy friends) and read a lot of posts and the guys have said verbatim regarding EU (emotionally available men) that they wiull stick with women who put up with their noncommittal-ness and the ones who put up w/ the guy who won't give you what you want, they don't VALUE the woman putting up with them and turn even more non committal. please read Evan Marc katz, his whole dating philosophy is for women to be the CEO and fire any intern not pulling his weight, including unresponsive EU guys and ones stringing us along. When we stand by what we say and do and have high value upon ourselves, other act accordingly. If you keep letting this go get away with this, he will continue to act this way. It's unfortunate but the cycle must end. You said you don't even push him for anything or to call you his girlfriend, well at this point that should have happened. Look, the guy knows your settling. Hell, YOU KNOW you're settling and unless you think your market value is low the why settle? like you said, too old for that noise. I am 34 and I sure as sh*t wouldn't tolerate that after a year and change. I hope you go no contact with this guy bc all I see is heartbreak in your future.
hard to read ur story. reminds me of 2 guys I was head over heels in love with.. one still texts me on occasion he says we are "friends" despite the fact he acted like my boyfriend for 6 mos. I cut him off a couple mos. ago. we never officially dated or did anything but I recognized the cycle of an EU guy/player.
last guy I wrote about , broke my heart. he acted like he loved me and I loved him and we did date but he got distant and cold and quit txting and calling as much with little to no explanation. I stood my ground and wished him luck, he'll need it lol he's gonna have a heck of a time finding some woman whose gonna be supportive, have sex with him regularly, be part of his life and have all the fringe benefits of a relationship minus the emotions and committment! not gonna happen. Sad part is, many guys have pulled this with me. I am not a b*tch nor am I crazy and guys seem to like that type. I am mentally stable and a great person. good looking, have a lot to offer but there's only been a few instances where a guy has *not* tried to dick me around in a relationship and that was generally when he was super into me but I didn't like him as much 🙁 My ex was always crazy about me and I was into him but not in the same way bc he was an alcoholic, huge flirt and could not drive, I've read the book when men love b*tches and I have found it to be true but problem is that I'm not like that and I don't wanna pretend. so, I will protect my heart and not get involved. Men like to say "nice guys finish last" well guys, Nice women get dogged.
Hi Jane, this article has really spoken home to me. I feel a bit lost as to what to do at the moment and I could really use some advice.
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just over a year and a half. He works at sea in the merchant navy, which means that he can be away for 4-6 months at at time, and then back home for 3-4 months. The long distance is quite hard, but it hadn't been an issue until recently. We also live together - since last summer - basically, I have just started studying to be a nurse and I needed somewhere to stay, and it seemed to both of us that it would be a good idea if I lived with him. I love him very much, but sometimes I feel a bit insecure about our relationship (not helped from the distance) - so about a month ago I asked him where he saw us going - if we had a future together. I just wanted to know that he really wanted to be with me and he wasn't just pulling me along. I kind of deflected the question, told me not to worry about it, and said that we were already in a kind of long term relationship. I know he doesn't like these sort of difficult questions, so I was reasonably satisfied with this and told myself to just focus on the here and now and enjoy our relationship.
However this morning I woke up to a lengthy email from him. He says that he's been thinking a lot about us and that he's worried. He says that he doesn't know about our future. His words are 'The truth is that I don't know and I've been feeling like it's the end, that's it forever, trapped etc and I suppose seeing it that way it's a good thing but still it scares the s**t out of me and I don't think I'm all that prepared for it.' He also says that he doesn't know what to do, but he hopes I can help. He's worried that maybe being away and having time to think about it all is making it worse, and that he's worried that the next time he goes away it will happen again and maybe be even worse. He says that he wanted to tell me now rather than later, and that maybe it will get worse than get better.
Obviously I'm feeling a little devastated right now, and very confused. I'm really happy that he told me how he feels and that he's being honest - and the way he spoke about it makes me feel like he really cares about me. It sounds a lot like it's not me that's the issue - and that maybe he's scared of losing his freedom? I think that everything gets so complicated because of the long distance. He's been away now for nearly 5 months. We've dealt with this length of time before, but this time round it seems that things are feeling very different for him. I know he misses me and loves me (at least I hope he means it), but it seems like he's less willing to make plans with me and doesn't have the same passion and desire to come home and spend time with me.
I just feel really lost as to what to do. I know this is something he needs to come to terms with, and i'm willing to be patient and see how things go. I think once he comes home, it might help things and he may come to realise why he wants to be with me, but at the same time I'm not sure if I am being overly hopeful. If things ended I'd be heartbroken. And I'd also have to move out, so logistically it will be quite upsetting on many levels. Do you think there is any hope here? Or do you think he's trying to be nice so not to hurt me, whereas really he wants to break up with me? We are going to talk more over email, which I'm glad to do, but it's so hard for me to come to terms with the fact that he feels what he feels, and that I have no control over that whatsoever.
I wont go on anymore, It all kind of spilled out, so sorry for the length. I just feel so sad about this
I so hear your sadness, Kim; and it's understandable that you feel like this after reading this email from him. The most important thing you can do is remind yourself that as you've realized, this is about him and not you. He's sorting through his own issues and going through whatever he's going through and whatever he needs to do to come to terms with all this and decide where he wants to go from here, this is his to sort out, and not yours. I'm sure the distance doesn't help, but at the same time, it may give him the space to go through this process and come through with a greater sense of clarity than he would have otherwise. Don't jump to conclusions here, don't imagine worst case scenarios for you or your relationship with him. While you can't control what he's feeling or what he's going to come to, what you can have full control over here is you. Live your life. Focus on your training right now to follow your own passions and this new career as a nurse. Get involved in all the things that make you happy and give you a sense of community and belonging so that you don't feel like he is your whole life. Surround yourself with loving, supportive friends and family and don't get too far ahead of yourself.
It doesn't sound like he's just trying to be nice; it sounds like he's being as honest with you as he can be right now. Never lose sight of the fact that as much as you may love someone and want him to be with you, you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you, who comes to this on his own, and is ready and able to commit to you in the same way that you are committing to him. If you're not on the same page, it won't be what you want. Keep living, keep focusing on your own life and feeling like the prize you truly are, Kim, and trust that what's meant to be will be here. For both of you. You deserve nothing less than someone who wants to be with you - and is willing to do the work he needs to do on himself - to get there. Take it one day at a time; if it's the real love you so deserve, it's going to be there in the end!
I had more or less the same, and I cut it off after only a short amount of time. A guy on a dating site, we started to mail. Then after 4 days, suddenly he was gone without a word. Then he came back and gave me his mail adress. I guess I should have seen the warning sign in that already.
We started mailing, chatting and it was really fun. There was a huge 'click'. He was the one telling me he really liked me, he liked talking to me. He started to text me good morning every morning and we kept each other updated during our days. I started to really like him.
We met only once, since he lives 2 hours drive from me. This night was amazing. The click we felt was really there. But as I asked him what is going on, are we gonna date now, he immediately told me I don't want a relationship right now, I am only slowly opening up to that. So I said to him: maybe it's better to slow down the contact a bit then, not flirting and building up tension and sending kisses everyday, since I started to like you.
From there on, almost no contact. He has been offline on Skype where we spent the majority of time talking. I know he is very very busy with his new home. But this just gives me an awkward feeling. I told him I liked him, I opened up to him, made myself vulnerable, and I get... silence. The only response he has given me is: what's going on? As if he really wouldn't know and he was not there himself making me fall for him. And now that I have, he completely shuts down and runs away.
He has been in a long relationship of 15 years and single for 2. I guess he really has some issues with himself. But I think it is not fair of him to treat me like this, and blocking any form of further communication. It has made me feel sad and I have difficulty not feeling rejected.
I removed him from Skype but added him back on because I do want to give him the chance of contacting me in case he would like to.
Hi Jane, you are simply amazing. So glad I found this topic.
My situation: I have been seeing this guy for 8 months now. I met him at my work and we talked occasionally. Finally, he asked me out and I accepted just for fun. I already knew he has some issues or problems but never really thought about it. After a month or two I fell for him and of course we had first fights and misunderstandings during which he told me that I should run away from him as far as possible and that he doesn't see any reason for me being with him except his selfish desire. When I asked what he meant he said he has issues, he is bad in relationships and doesn't want to hurt me. Even though he was saying all these things he wasn't willing to really let me go. So we kept seeing each other.
I want to say that he is a perfect gentleman, always treats me nice and cares about me (getting up in the middle of the night to check if I am cold, hot, if I need anything...).
During those months we were seeing each other we had few "break-ups" but always ended up together and he was mostly the one to initiate it.
My problem is we never talked about being in a relationship, we are just seeing each other, text and call daily but never talked about future. Actually, we have a problem to talk about "us'.
I recently mentioned what bothers me and he said that he likes me, enjoys being with me but he has issues and he is not sure where all this goes. I told him then we don't want the same thing obviously and that I don't want to do that anymore. But he insisted that we should keep seeing each other and see what happens.
I stopped seeing him after that (it's been a month) but he didn't stop calling me or texting me and trying to see me.
Additional info: He never told me what his issues are and doesn't feel comfortable talking about it. I know he had few long relationships and was cheated on once or twice. He told me he didn't kiss or invited anyone to his house before me for over three years and that it is a big deal for him. I guess he wanted to say I mean something to him???
My question is what do I do? Should I be more patient or he is just never going to change? I was pretty much loved in my every relationship and now my confidence level is not as great as it used to be but, on the other hand, I am truly in love for the first time
You have to decide what you can live with and what you can't, Emy. And how long you're willing to wait for him if that's what you decide to do. You have the reality of where he's at - he's not comfortable talking about the future and doesn't see the reason to, he wants to go with the flow and see what happens, and he's admitted he has issues but doesn't care to share them with you. So you know what you've got, and what you don't. And by the fact that he wants to keep things the way they are, and go with the flow, and see what happens while he leaves it up to you to make your own decision, he's clearly showing you his terms with his "this is who I am, take it or leave it", type of behavior, he's at least being upfront with you. So now it really is up to you.
He's going to do what he wants to do, he's going to live at the level of commitment that he's comfortable with unless he chooses to do something different. It's not your role to change him, and the reality is, you can't. My concern would be his original words to you when he told you that you "should run away from him as far as possible and that he doesn't see any reason for me being with him except his selfish desire." While those words may seem like a plea to save him from himself, there's a danger of falling into a role of rescuer, of trying to save him, of seeing so much potential in what could be, but what ultimately is his to change, and not yours to engage in.
Listen to your gut instinct, Emy. Hear your own heart, and the reality of what you know from his words and from his actions. You always know what to do if you can listen in and hear what's speaking to you more. Do what you can live with. Do what gives you the most peace and calm, and do what leaves you with the least amount of regrets. If it's meant to be, it's going to be but only if you both want the same thing, get on the same page, and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. It has to come from him as much as it comes from you.
We are hopeless only when we GIVE up hope. And I highlight GIVE because our hope is much like our faith there is always a solution. And though we may love and be hurt it is necessary to hold on to your TRUE self who can not be self destructive .
it is self destructive to ignore your sixth sense we hv it for a reason. We know when its going nowhere .. he probably even told you its going nowhere and that's ok.....it doesn make you anyless beautiful or wonderful it jus means you are not in the same space. So instead of tryna validate your worth by wasting precious days months even years tryna change his mind then getting upset wen it doesn change...use that time on your happiness YOLO...YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE .....and while u may try and blame the dude noone ever said you couldn't walk away.
the day you walk away is you empowered not him defeated because he didn want you to stay anyway. V hard pill to swallow but once its done and you put your needs first you do it for u not to get back at or hurt him.
And if u walk away broken hearted that's ok too ...noone ever died from a heartbreak. dont fight it accept it it hurts....but before you know it it won't hurt. If you gotta work on who you choose to commit to in the future do that too. its your life you are living it whether you are happy or not....so y not live it happy
What is it they say...time heals...yes it does but wat to do inbetween nw and the healing???? smile more laugh more dance more exercise more dream more work more eat less kkkkkk
There is always something to do and before you know it time has done her job.
I wish you all ladies the best with your time because once you realise that what you are afraid to let go of is actually the time you have put into him and realise that the more you hold one is more time you logging onto him still....u wont waste another minute .....u will drop all like a hot potato and put time into yourself ..
Gudluck.. ..
Hi Jane,
It's been really interesting to read your adivces about aquarius, I am leo woman in crush with an aquarius man. He happened to be my professor in my college. My qualities would be that I am at the center of attraction in my college as I am studious, intellectual, and talented and I take part in all stage shows.Iam doing my MBA college age 20 and his age is 24. Its been from SPetember 2013 I was his friend, then I opened my feelings and I got committed first and next he got committed to me. I am also working in my college as well. So, he comes to work once a sunday in our campus as we have our campus throughout UAE and I stay in UAE. Now the thing is this we committed in month of December, I felt he was very clingy I also felt he might leave any time if I dint give him space and my parents loves this tracking stuffs they came to know about our relationshipand for temporary I just said we broke up. He told me to tell like that and be ready to scraifice though we like eachother and his parents also came to know by him as he cannot control his emotions so he opened up and told then said broke up. Then I was on my vacation for one and half months we didnt contact due to tracking as my dad works for tele communicaiton department. When I got back he said he wont come to my campus but to my suprise he came and his classes would be once a week. He doesnt take class for me. I decided not to go for him I tried all tricks then he came back to me. W e argue a lot and I offered him letter notes and gave him suprises. He was telling stuffs what happened and how many girls came for him. I was like oh yeah! I forgot so many guys came for me. He had a love break up before and I had my love break up too. I can know his feelings exactly like mine. My doubt here is I guess is he trying to show his interest to me by being open or is he doing the same stuff of break up again? I really love him but I do not show it on my face instead I try to be his freind and I am waiting for the time he comits to me. He also kind of got attracted to that attitude.He keeps sharing his family problems with me and I wil be a good listenr though its kind of boring. I am thinking of offering him to play table tennis next week with me as he loves sports.WILL THAT BE A NICE MOVE? The next month I vil be doing some stage performances for my college as I love audience and he would be there to see it. All Iam trying to do is to make him realize the loss of me so that he would come back. I am also trying to get along with his interests but not sure if Aqua's loves it.He escaped before thinking of his job and then when I came back he came to me tell Iam not worried about jobs anymore.
BUT IAM KIND OF GETTING SCARED TO COMMIT AND SAY i love you AS ANY TIME HE MIGhT DISPEAR DO THINK I SHOULD WAIT FOR HIM TO COMMIT?
You can't make anyone realize what they had with you, Sruthie, unless they realize it for themselves. When you keep deferring to someone else and what they want, or what you think they want, instead of being true to yourself and focusing on your own life and getting your own needs met by people who you don't have to convince of your worth, you sell yourself short. Only you know what he is worth to you; only you know if waiting for him is working for you. If the two of you are on the same page and want the same thing with each other, there won't be any need to play games; it will happen naturally and easily. But you have to decide what you can live with and what you can't. You can't change anyone but yourself, and if someone is truly right for you, you won't have to convince him of why he should want to be with you. He'll know this for himself.
Hi everyone,
I've been split from my boyfriend for about 2 weeks now and it's been really hard. Two weeks ago I found out he went on a date with another girl because he felt trapped in our relationship. When I delved deeper, he admitted that four months before he met me he was due to get married. Long story short - he never really recovered from that and was going to date around until suddenly he met me and fell for me.
Hence the problem.
He felt awful about the date and left after an hour, yet I found out and was naturally devastated. This was when he admitted everything about his past and broke down. I said he needed to get help and that we cannot be together until he stops being afraid of being with someone again. He wanted to keep seeing me but I said no. That wasn't a risk I was going to take right now.
Fast-forward to now and we have minimal contact - 2 calls a week on designated days. He's gone to see a psychologist and will continue to do so. He seems completely depressed but says he doesn't want me to wait as the psychologist said he is suffering from a depression and it could take 6-12 months to sort through. He says he doesn't want to see anyone else, he just wants to sort his head out. He says if I believe anything he tells me, to please believe that none of this is my fault, that I am the most perfect person he's ever met and that he is beyond sorry for all of it. He wants to keep in touch. Basically, his words were "right girl, wrong time."
So what do I do? I admit that after speaking to him I feel better... and I know time will heal my wounds... but is it possible he will sort himself out? He says I have to let him go because he doesn't know how long this will take and it is completely unfair to ask me to wait. He cannot take up that much of my life. I agree with that.
I'm just stuck at the moment. I've managed to not cry in a few days, am listening to uplifting, moving-on music and spending my time keeping busy, but a part of me also wants to see if he does get better and if we can work things out. I don't believe he is a bad guy - just a good guy who made bad decisions due to a mental illness which he suffered at the breakdown of his past relationship. I don't want to completely cut him off and regret anything. My gut tells me he's a good guy who needs help.
What do I do? What would you guys do? Any help and thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
if he tells you to move on, do so. Get on with your life, I guess that is what Jane's message is in almost every blog she writes. Take some distance. Do the things that make you happy. And if there is a level of contact you can manage without feeling too involved with him or wanting to help him, maybe you can stay in touch as friends somehow? But only if it doesn't make you sad all the time when staying in touch. That way, you will stay way too much involved in something and hoping for something that is not gonna happen, or maybe maybe maybe in the far away future... You never know of course, but try to live in the here and now.
I'm kind of in the same situation myself with someone I have never been with but who showed loads of interest, seemed to really like me but it's not what he was expecting still managing his own life and not being ready for a relationship. I really like him, I expressed this to him. He was honest with me, has told me the same words, go out, live, enjoy, don't wait for me. So I will, even though I would so much like to see things differently, it just is not the way it is right now. I try to let him go, we are still in touch but on a very low level and I wonder what will happen. But in the meantime, I will live! I am even going on a date tonight.
Thanks, Emily; that's exactly what I always say. You've captured my words beautifully in your own! 🙂 It sounds like you're living this, and realizing that the very best thing you can do when someone tells you they're not ready, they're not there, is to live your own life. Fill your own cup so full that what someone else does or doesn't do isn't isn't what you hang onto. And no, he said it well, it's not because of you. Love to hear those words; "I will live!" And I'm excited for you about your date tonight. It means you're doing exactly that; living, not waiting, living. Because if he comes around, if he gets there, you'll be the first to know. But in that time and space between now and what might be, it's in the living of your own beautiful life that you find a life worth living, and all that you deserve!
Hi everyone. I really need some help please and although I have found this information extremely insightful it's just not helping a great deal.
I've been with my partner for 6 years now but my mother killed herself 2 weeks after we met as he told her he was going to look after me. He pratically moved into my family home but didn't pay any rent as I was unaware at the time that he was a very bad gambler. I was eventually evicted from my childhood home and now I live in a caravan as it is cheap and easy for him. He works very hard and makes around £1500 a month but all he pays for is the rent. We never really have any food, or toiletries as he gambles the rest. His mother lives nearby and she deals with all of his finances, even though I worked a year in a corporate finance group. I believe she is a gambler too and they always lend each other and help out. They even have a car together leaving me in the position where if I would like to drie I have to do it all on my own. I have no other family. Now he is pushing me out of social events he would usually take me to as I love dressing up and being with him at a party's he is abusive and has physically hurt me so many times dragging me to the door and trying to throw me out by my legs amongst other things like punching me in the face at weddings. We do goto weddings or friends no more we never do anything anymore. He told me the other day that I'm not the one and he won't ever marry me unless I have a child. I can't have anymore children as I have polycystic ovaries and need treatment. I already have two kids with an ex who live with their father and visit me every weekend. My partner also told me that if I wanted to be married I should have stayed with my children's dad but I had post natal depression after my 2nd baby as I were intimate with my ex due to emotional blackmail. I was quite young.
My partner tells me that he loves me and he'll stic to me like glue but when he gambles he lets me down. Hell leave for hours and not answer my calls to him. I had to go to work the other day and he was supposed to look afte y daughter but he didn't come back and I had to drop her off at a friends house. Causing so much inconvenience. We actually live in a caravan, there are evil people around me and its dangerous. It's destroying my soul but because he gambles we can't leave even If i have half the money for it. I had the opportunity to move into a flat but he told me I could go on my own and I couldn't leave him so I lost it!
I really don't know what to do. I'm losing myself completely I cry every day at the smallest thing md noone knows. He also cheated on me and I know about 2 times although there's probably more. I don't know whether all this pain is worth it but I can't physically leave. I love him and wanted so much. Please please help me.
Please get some help for yourself, Em. The way you are being treated is not any way for anyone to ever be treated by someone, let alone someone you are supposed to be in a loving relationship with. There is nothing loving or caring about the way you have described his behavior towards you. Of course it's destroying your soul. Of course you're losing yourself and crying at everything. Find someone you can trust who you can confide in, Em, and let them help you. You mentioned you have no other family, so find a doctor, a counselor, a minister, someone who can help you to see what's really going on here and can give you some specific help for your situation. If you don't have the finances to pay for help, seek out a minister or if you have access to free healthcare, seek out a doctor. They can help you find where to start to get back your life, to find that support at your level of finances,in your area, to find yourself and discover the life that you deserve to have with the kind of love that treats you like you are loved. This is your life. You deserve nothing less!
I have been seeing a guy for almost a year now. Our relationship moved quite quickly and after five months I met his family. We were besotted by each other and hoping to get married as soon as possible after when suddenly he got cold feet. He told me that his family did not think I was the one for him and therefore we'd have to call everything off. We stayed in touch and still spent time with each other and I assumed that despite his families wishes he'd marry me one day. Why else would he treat me like im his girlfriend and give me so much hope? However he recently told me that all we are is friends and he never wants to get married. I'm stuck and unsure what to do for the best. He is a big part of my life and I dont know how to let go.
This is all great. I am currently in a similar situation as some of your readers. I am 29 and was in a bad relationship for almost 2 years. I met someone who was sort of in our circle of friends and we instantly clicked, the chemistry was out of control. I immediately let go of my previous relationship and jumped into this new one. He seems to have everything I wanted from my previous relationship, smart, funny, attentive (or was), noticed the little things, driven etc. Everything was going great until I showed him a little bit of my needy side. I am not a very needy person, I like my space but when I didnt see my new guy for almost 10 days (vacation) and he immediately went back to work I got frustrated and told him I was upset. Then, things changed. He was noticeably distant, he hasn't been complimenting me as much, calling as much or sending me sweet texts about how much he likes where this is going. In a nutshell, we went from 0-60 and now we are at 30.
2 months later... things are just OK. His work is very demanding (new job too) and so he does make that a priority. I support him by giving him space, sending sweet texts (not too often) and making him feel appreciated. Last week I felt like he snapped at me so I told him I didn't deserve that (well, I FELT like he snapped at me). So we talked and he told me he wasn't that happy and questioned if I was, he still feels pressure (which totally boggles my mind). He even said, at the end of the day when im stressed I dont have the urge to be around you (that hurt). Basically I said I wasn't going to beg him to be with me and I said maybe the best thing was to step back and just see what happens. The next day we went to an event where we had a great time together. Although we were drinking, he said something along the lines of 'forget what I said yesterday'.
Thankfully, I haven't forgotten what he said- it hurt but I thanked him for trusting me enough to be honest with me. I do think we are a good match, I want to make this work but I am worried that I am just setting myself up for heartache. I want him so much to be happy with me but I know he is in the uncertainty phase of this relationship. I know he can commit (has been in long term relationships before, very grounded etc) but I am not sure if I should keep it going. WE moved WAY too quick but it felt so good, now it hurts that its not going in the direction that I thought it would. Should I move on or ride the wave? How long should I stay?
I would back off and give him time. Focus on yourself and stay busy. It is so hard to get wrapped up in someone..but don't loose yourself.
If there is anything my boyfriend has taught me...its patience..you both have to want to make it work. Try to change the pace of this relationship and see what happens. It will be hard but you can do it. Don't be needy and do your own thing. He will come around. Realize the things that could've been different and make subtle changes. Let him come to you..hope that helps
@twinmom. I loved Ur story. Are u and you man still together.. If so how is it going
He is trying to come back. Every time we have broken it off he has come back. He won't commit but he won't let go. I broke it off like I said earlier because I wasn't happy. I am playing a bit hard to get with him right now. He is so persistent.
He text me yesterday I really miss you. I didn't respond..then I got a smiley face and an invite to see him. I declined.
I don't want to play these games...bit if he wants to come back every time...he needs to step it up and figure outta what he wants and quit being so emotionally challenged 🙂
I think we just need to talk...have a heart to heart...we aren't far from a year. My Buddy told me that we will play games and at that year point it will stop..but I am not sure.
Its rough...but I hate to say it..there is obviously something there because he keeps coming back.
Twinmom
I hope you don't mind me sticking my nose in? It's just that my situation is a duplicate of yours. We split up or rather I walked away without a word to my man. He is now contacting me wanting to meet etc....I am now the one doing the ignoring. I would make yours sweat for a while longer before you meet for the heart to heart. Let him see he can't keep treating you the way he has. This is what I'm doing and it seems to be teaching him that I won't put up with the bad treatment from him any longer. After reading Jane's blog about raising the bar and bieng hard to get, it made me so much stronger and more able to deal with him.
Good luck to you
Sam...thanks for sticking your nose in it 😉 It is comforting to hear that others go through it too. I am sorry for your situation but it seems to be working.
I have been playing hard to get. He kept asking me out and I wouldn't respond..then finally declined.
He finally said please just go out with me...I said only if we talk. So we did. The conversation went well. He admitted to liking me but he is also scared. His last girlfriend he was with for 4 years...she moved across the country for a better job. He said she was my identical twin. But she is married now. I simply explained to him that its not fair that I don't get a fair chance to be anything with you because of your scars.
We had a very open conversation until the wee hours of the morning and he really opened up. I jokingly said so how do I get a chance to be tour girl...he laughed and said don't push me or I am going the other way.
Only sure if yoppu believe in astrology...but he is Aquarius and so am I...wow...everything I read is him to a T. Distant..aloof...cold...freedom loving. When we are together it is amazing...but when we aren't I hardly hear from him...maybe a couple times a week...but it has been like that from the start.
Oh my word mine is Aquarius too!! He's hot then cold, he's all over me then gone. I can't keep up with him. I don't know what mood he will be in next. He doesn't keep in touch with me, but then when I back off he is texting all the time.
Spoke to him on Tuesday, he wanted to see me, when I told him I couldn't, he said it's best we call it a day. When I said maybe your right! He steped back up. It's such a mad situation.
Jane if you have any in put on how to deal with this I would be grateful.
Same thing...wow.
From the word go he has been in contact once a week. When he wants to get together last minute he expects you to go with it. They cannot plan in advance...and if they do...they cancel.
I have been upset and have ignored texts..he blew up my phone..6 calls and 8 texts in 3 hours. They hate that.
My advise...if you are into him...read up...so much info its unreal and spot on. I have been with mine for almost 10 months
Same here....I just don't get it....I got up enough strength to leave....only lasted a week....he came right back....sux because I'm in love...I am so tired of this I swear...it's beginning get to control my life...I feel weak....smh...I can't put it all on him mi play my part as well...When he would get close...I would leave....and i guess he got tired of it....we will be having a face to face discussion tomorrow....wish me luck is all I can say 🙁 he gives me butterflies....but...I have to tell him how I feel...I even went as far as telling him I was seeing sum1 else...he dsnt care...he wants to keep proving to me tht he's really for me....uuuggghhhh....I HATE....HATE.....HATE.....love
I'm hurt...confused...crying....upset....I have been seeing this guy for a year...at first he was ready to commit...but i was too afraid...now that I'm ready....he is afraid....gives me excuses as to why we aren't together ...he loves me...I'm everything he wants...but he's making me wait because he is afraid of being heartbroken so he says...and the fact that I keep giving up on him and leaving....then coming back is not helping either...I don't know what to do anymore....I'm drained...Don't want to date anyone else...not even attracted to anyone else....I just want him....do I leave again for good...or.....stay? Either way...I'm hurting
It's so hard when you're not on the same page at the same time, Denise, and I so feel your pain. It doesn't sound like he's going to be the one to make a decision here, so you have to decide what you want to do for you. If these are his terms, can you live with them? Is it worth it to you to have him in your life like this; is he worth it to you? We're not here to change anyone or convince them of why they should do their own work on themselves to get to the bottom of their fears and choose us. That's a decision that he has to make on his own. If these are his excuses and he's so afraid of being hurt that it's not worth it to him to figure out what he needs to do to get past this or take a chance on committing to you, then you have a clearer picture of who he is and where he stands.
It doesn't have to be one or the other, Denise. You can take a step back, fill your own cup with the people in your life that love and support you who you enjoy being with and with the activities and hobbies and things you're passionate about that make your life your own. You can choose to make your life so full of so many wonderful other things so that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter so much to you. Ultimately, only you can know what he's worth to you and what having the type of commitment you're looking for from him is worth.
Denise I feel your pain. I was in the same boat. I even was dating another guy at the beginning of things with him. He said I can't date you, you have it too bad for him and I don't want to compete with that. Luckily, that man became my best friend and I didn't loose him all together.
In a moment of weakness I told him my friend had said that. He said but I haven't even done anything. It didn't matter, I wanted him and no one else. I have allowed him to hurt me over and over. Until..my friend..the guy I tried to date..said you are too good for him to be treating you like that. He is walking all over you...he is right...told me that for months. I didn't want to listen I was blinded. Then I started taking care of myself...broke it off with him over a week ago. Promised myself I am not crawling back. If he wants me he needs to SHOW me. I haven't heard from him nor have I contacted him in 8 days. It isn't even bothering me this time. Of course...I don't know where he stands or if he is even coming back...but I am not upset either. His loss.
He has been burned. I am paying for those burns and him being emotionally unavailable. Is that fair to me?? He can't deal with emotions and he said 3 months ago he wanted a relationship with me. But no calls, no texts, and won't make time to see me...sorry his loss. The biggest issue he is failing to see....we get along perfectly..never a fight or argument in 9 months...we have so many common interests. But he won't open himself up enough to enjoy those things with me and that hurts...but he is doing it to himself and has a woman that would move mountains with him...but he won't even move a hill for this woman.
Sorry for the rant..hope that helps.
Hi Twinmom I hope you still read this!!
I had to do the same thing as you and break things of with my Aqua. Same as you said, no texts, no calls, no time to meet etc.....He kept saying we will have to sort something out...It was all talk as nothing ever seemed to be sorted out.
Spoke to him last week...he rang me....saying we could get together. That was last Tuesday. I am sick and tired of it so told him. I have known you since 2010 and you still find it hard to answer a simple message. If I don't hear from you this time I'm gone. Guess what I heard nothing, so I take it that is that. At least yours got back to you.
Wow...my situation word for word. I am so glad I came across this article.
I have been seeing this guy for 9 months. He has broken it off with me 3 times and now I have 2x. We were hot for each other last fall...went out...had fun..he went away for 2 months and his energy was amazing. Was calling me..texting me...it felt good. In October he said when I get home I think we should work on being in a relationship...I have had time to think and I really want to be with you.
Well he came home in November.. saw each other the day he got back. Then nothing for a month. The calls...texts..became less and less. I had an emotional break down...more or less needed to protect myself with the holidays...because I knew I wouldn't see him. I broke it off. Felt bad a week later..and apologized. We spent some time together the past couple weeks. Then I realized I cannot continue on like this. It is a week before I hear from him. He never calls. What in the world happened to all of his energy he had only a couple of months ago?!?!?!
Well I broke it off with him almost a week ago. I just simply said...I have to be honest with myself after 9 months that it isn't going to be more. No calls..no texts..and you are too busy to see me. Three months ago you said you wanted me to be your girlfriend and wanted to work on a relationship when you got back...and that clearly isnt whats going on here..It was fun and thanks for the memories.
That was this past weekend and no word from him. It is hard when they don't know what they want because they drag you along with them. I know he will contact me...what he will say or do...not sure. But until he wants to man up...and figure out what he wants...I am done. It isn't worth it to go through it when there are plenty of others who will treat you right and will know what they want and make sure you feel secure. There is way more wrong with this situation than there is right. When you have to cry because you are so confused as to what's going on...it just isn't worth it. It has been a learning lesson..but don't let them do it to you. Please don't sit around and hope that one day it will be something..it probably won't. I am just showing him some tough love and if he comes back...ground rules and boundaries will be in place after a long long discussion. If he can't step up..I am done..life is too short.
"When you have to cry because you are so confused as to what's going on...it just isn't worth it." Exactly, Twinmom. Someone who's truly right for you will always be on the same page as you, will want the same level of commitment as you, and will be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen - with you! We shed so many tears crying over what we want it to be, instead of looking at the reality of what it is.
I'm so glad this helped with your own situation, Twinmom; so many of us have been there, in such a similar place. Be so proud of yourself for being willing to seeing the reality here and not just what you wanted it to be! We can go for a long time on hope, so to set your own terms, to decide what he is worth to you, gives you back your power and reveals just how worth it you truly are!
So true....my current situation...i just can't stop the tears....I'm not happy with him...and not happy without him....and he isn't mine..smh
Hello,
I just came across this article, and I would love to have your advice on my situation.
I met this guy a few months ago and we instantly clicked. We began talking and started going on dates, and hanging out frequently. He joined me in my birthday festivities in December, and we hung out on each holiday. We hung out pretty much every day, and always had an amazing time together. Things were going so well. I could really feel the connection and felt that he genuinely liked me. Last week, I went over his house on his birthday and met his mom. I felt so excited and that things were developing. The next day we hung out together, and had a great time. He texted me good night. Then I woke up the next morning to a long text from him saying that he's not ready to get in deep and isn't ready for a relationship right now because he has a lot going on in his life (he's finishing college, applying to become a cop, has to go to rehab for a recent injury, etc), and that he wants to remain friends for now but says maybe in the future when things are sorted out we could see what happens. I just don't understand because he would always make future plans with me and insinuate relationship type behavior... I never even implied anything about a relationship ever (although deep down I did see one and want one with him). I just don't understand why he ended it when it was going so good, especially out of nowhere with no warning signs. And part of me also feels like if he really liked me, he would make it work no matter how much he has going on.
People that are close to me and who've known him before I met him think that it has to do something with commitment issues, since he had a rough up-bringing with his parents/family.
Since him breaking it off, he hasn't reached out to me, but he asked my close friend's boyfriend how I am multiple times. So I know he cares.
But I just feel hurt. and SO disappointed. I was wondering if I could have insight from you.
Thank you so much.
Hell0,
I am in a situation where Im 28 and he's 55 we've been dating for 3 and a half years, long distance relationship. Love him and his family vice versa so now we are at the stage where he tells me he has commitment and focus issues.... WHAT? Is this his way of saying " IM DONE" I just don't now anymore.... HELP?
There's always a reason people say what they do, Colleen, so he obviously is feeling the need to pull back and is attributing it to commitment and focus issues. If you're not sure what's going on, first ask him about it. Then based on what he says, you'll know more, you'll know what your next steps need to be. Whatever it is, this is about him, not you, so don't take it personally. Just get enough information so you can decide what you need to do for you, to take care of yourself and protect your own heart. You're what matters!
I am sorry, I am now 23. I was 19 when I conceived my baby.
Hi Miss Jane, This past few weeks I spent most of my time browsing the internet world looking for the Answers to my confused heart. To start with, I am 19 years old, a single mom. Currently i am in a relationship for which i calle an uncertain relationship. He's 26 years old. We've been together for 2 months now, in this short period of time i already loved him. On the first stage of our relationship I could feel his sincerity towards me. He usually picks me uo at rhe end of my shift at my work place around 4 am. And ate breakfast together. We sed to hang out with my friends. And by the way, he already knew that I am a sibgke mim before getting into a relationship with me. On the other hand, I also knew that he still had communicatiob with his ex gf. They just broke up two weeks before having me. Most of the time, i get jelouse but he always remind me that he loved me. I feel secured at that moment. But everything has changed, three cosecutive days he didnt communicate with me, I take the initiative to built bridges just to reach him. I text him from time to time- i still got no reply even a single text. I called him up, he will answer the call and the call will be disconnected. I was ashamed for doing that. After thise days, i was abke to talked to him over the phone and asked him what happened, he said he was busy filing his requirements so that he can get schedule for his exam- he's a seaman. I know that, i inderstand how busy he was on those days. But I know theres something wrong, the way he talked on the phone was so cold. I asked him whats wrong. An he said it waa his family and my family. It made me confused. He said he cant take the consequences he may encounter along the way and the reaction of his family if they foubd out that his gf is a single mom. That made me shocked. I was stunned for a moment. I still try to understand him. And choose to go on with the relationship. But some tjings were changed. He didnt text, he may text but seldom. Still he always went to my place. And said he loves me, but everytime i asked him if he want our relationship to continue he will never gave a straight answer. Not a yes, not a no. He doesnt want to talked about it. What should i do? Is it a clwar sign that i need to quit in this relationship? Or he just might confused about his feelings towards me? Please clear this cobweb of doubts and confusions inside m my head. I am happy more thanhappy if i get a responce with this. Help me get through with this situation.
It's always you who needs to come to your own decision, Daisy Jane; because you're the only one who knows what someone is worth, what having someone in your life is worth to you. That's something no one can answer for you. But if you would, please read the words you wrote here to me and let them sink in for just a moment; you said that he told you that he can't handle his family's reaction if they find out you're his girlfriend because you're a single mom. My beautiful friend, don't ever allow anyone to be in your life who is ashamed of you. Ever. You made such a courageous decision when you made the decision to become someone's mother instead of opting for an easier option. And courageous it is indeed for there is no role you will ever play that is as honorable, yet unrecognized, as being someone's world. If he can't handle this about you, that's his issue and not yours. Two weeks is not a very long time to jump from one person to another, Daisy Jane, and while I know you may believe he loves you and you love him already even though it's only been two months, it takes a lot more time than that to really get to know someone and find out if you're both truly on the same page and looking for the same level of commitment in a relationship.
You know more than you realize, my beautiful friend. Trust yourself and your gut instincts a little here. There's always a reason you start contacting someone more frantically when you haven't heard from him like you usually do. There's always a reason you feel a sense of shame for doing something that you would never have to do with someone who you knew in your heart was right for you. Listen to those instincts and listen to what that little girl inside you knows that you deserve. You're worth so much more than any crumbs anyone throws out to you. You deserve more than words that belie the actions and behavior that you know are telling you there's more going on than you're being told.
You're the one doing the choosing here; you don't need to be chosen! We can get so confused about this, believing that it's about someone choosing us and not the other way around, but it's time to take back your own power and realize just how powerful you really are, Daisy Jane. You deserve nothing less than someone who adores you, who loves the part of you that's strong enough to take on the role of being a single mom. Don't ever be ashamed of the fact that you are a single mom or feel you deserve less than simply because of your status as if it defines you. You are so much more than this! You have so much to offer someone who is on your page, who wants the same thing as you do with you and isn't afraid of other people's reaction to anything about the choices he makes. Make sure someone is worthy of YOU, my beautiful friend. That's what this is about. Does he deserve you? Does he treat you the way you know in your heart you deserve to be treated? That's what this is about, Daisy Jane. Is he worthy of you?!!
Helloo Jane,
I am desperatly needing your help. I am 19 years old and I was with a boy who is 1.5 years younger than me for six months. Everything was great, he gave me so much love and showed a lot of affection. We texted eachother every day, from good morning to sweet dreams. He has lost his mother when he was a baby and he grew up with his dad an his brother. His dad never got a new relationship. Everything between us was fine. But still he broke up with me a 3.5 weeks ago. In the month before the break up i had noticed he acted a bit distantly. I asked him twice in real life whether his feelings for me had changed. He promised me that nothing had changed and that he still loved me. I believed him. I was so shocked when he broke up with me. He told me that his feelings had become less for a month. The reason he did not tell me was because he thought the feelings will come back. He was afraid that i would dump him if he told me. He compared our relationship after six months with how it was the first week. He said that he didnt feel the urge anymore to talk to me all the time. But isn't this normal? During the break up he was hugging and kissing me all the time. He also insisted on staying in touch. We stayed in touch for two more weeks. But he was sending me confusing messages all the time. He said he wanted to be friends, But he also had to get used to the situation. When i asked him if there was a chance of getting back together if we kept seeing eachother, he said i don't want to give you hope at this moment because then your will be waiting for it and you will feel bad. For me this is not a clear yes or no. Every time i asked for a clear answer, I got some confusing answer . Once he whatsapped me and kept talking for two hours and then all of a sudden he did not answer anymore. He also told me that he still had feelings for me and that he really did not want it go this way. 2.5 week after the break up he deleted from Facebook that we have a relationship. The day before that he said Hi on whatsapp and I said Hi back an hour later. He immediately asked if something was wrong. This was so weird for me, he sometimes did not reply for a day, But when i don't reply for an hour he assumed that something was wrong. I reached a point on which i could not deal with this yo yo ing anymore. I told him exactly a week ago that i can not be friends with him. My feelings for him are too strong to be Just friends. He did not known what to say. I asked him if he was over the break up, he said yes i don't think it can be as it used to be. I asked him if his feelings had become less? He said yes. I told him that i could not go on like this and that his confusing messages kept giving me hope while he has no feelings for me anymore. He answered that he still has feelings for me. I did not reply anymore. I just don't get it. Also one time he said he said he was afraid to talk to me because he thought i hated him. He has had an girlfriend for a year when he was 14. Sheen cheated on him and he told me he could not trust any girl for two years until he met me. I noticed he has difficulty talking about emotions and problems. We never had any issues. How can feelings change when nothing has happend? He told me he did not understand it either. Is it possible that he has commitment phobia without knowing? Is it possible that he is blocking his on feelings unconsciously out of fear, because of the loss of his mother and the damage the cheating ex has done? It is so hard for me to move on because things ended so sudden and I truly love him. A week of no contact has passed, I even did not send him birthday wishes. He turned 18 saturday. I just don't know what to do. I miss him so much. I know he really loved me, but i don't understand the change and his confusing behaviour. What is your opinion on the situation? Do you think that now we don't have contact he may unconsciously stop blocking his feelings? Or don't you think that blocking his feelings is the problem? I really would love to get some answers. I am too hurt to move on like this.
As much as you're hurting, Christina, please know that this is about him and whatever is going on with him, and not about you! This isn't about him rejecting you; this is about him not being there, not being on the same page as you are and able to give you what you're looking for - and no, you're not asking for too much from someone who's ready and looking for the same thing! We do so much damage to ourselves when we take the actions and behaviors of someone else so personally. There's so many reasons why someone might behave the way he is, but trying to understand it for ourselves - and make sense of it! - only makes this harder on you and keeps you holding onto him when he's clearly not still holding onto you.
Accept that this is where he's at, Christina; and where he's at or what he's thinking are his own issues to sort through if he's motivated to do so. Don't spend your beautiful life waiting for him to come back around or figure himself out. You only want someone who's on the same page as you, who wants the same level of commitment in a relationship that you want, and wants all this with you!
You never ever have to convince someone who's right for you of why they should want to be with you, my beautiful friend. Give him the space to move on and live his own life while you do the same when you're ready. Letting go and moving on is always a process, but when you look back on this down the road, you will see it for the gift that it really is. You have so much to offer someone who is looking for you; don't waste a single moment of your time on someone who just wants to be friends if you want more!
Who ever one day
(assuming it hasnt happens yet)
That fines and keeps your love,
Will be a very lucky human being.
Well done Miss Jane
They will be, Alex; so glad this resonated with you!
Jane, your website has been a lifesaver. I was in a relationship for 9 months with the love of my life. However, HE was the one who realized he was unable to commit and instead of stringing me along, chose to let me go. He had told me a month prior to the break up that he didn't know if he was ready to give up his freedom, and he wanted to do 'what he wants when he wants' etc. He is a sports coach and that takes him away from town every weekend, as well as two practices a week. On top of working two jobs, which is keeping him very busy (we met up 5 days ago and he told me how busy he is) I think he realized our relationship would have struggled with my resentment about his coaching and his very unavailable schedule. He is 29, and lives at home. This is the first longer relationship for him.
Long story short, a busy schedule, lack of relationship experience, and me being ready for more commitment than he was ready to give, is what I believe lead to the break up. He doesn't really date much, and I truly believe he's just not thinking about women at all right now (at least dating or relationship wise .. he doesn't have casual sex, I am only his 2nd partner).
I know you're not a fortune teller lol but I'm just curious because this seems to be mostly about women who realize their men will not commit, and the woman leaves. So I guess my question is, when the guy realizes he is not ready for commitment and cuts the relationship off, do you think he could possibly come back? Moving forward with my life has been easy, but moving on from being so in love has proved to be a lot tougher
The fact that he was able to recognize where he was at and was able to be honest with you is always a positive sign, Kazza. That shows a certain level of awareness of himself and where he's at in his life, which means he's also able to recognize when he will be ready for something more than what he's got and no longer sees being in a relationship as an either or proposition when it comes to his freedom. That's an awareness that many men lack, especially those who are the emotionally unavailable type, who are not in touch with themselves like it sounds like he is.
And yet as much as we all would like to have a crystal ball to see into the future, the reality is that you never know what someone else is going to do or not do. The most important thing for you to remember here, my beautiful friend, is simply that if someone wants to be with you, when they're ready, if they're on the same page and ready for the same level of commitment as you, you'll be the first to know. Don't wait around for it, though; you're not the waiting kind. If it's meant to be, it always will be, but only if someone else also wants it to be. That's what you're looking for here, Kazza.
And thanks for your kinds words; I'm glad to be able to help you through this - and I completely relate to wanting to have something more to go on!
Jane, thank you for your wonderful (and prompt!) response. I've read some of your responses to other people on here, and even when it's what we don't want to hear, you have an amazing way with words .. being truthful without being hurtful.
I have taken this time apart to work on myself. I have been focusing on myself - going to the gym, joining a new activity, and rebuilding my relationship with God, I've tried online dating but my heart just isn't ready to get back out there. I have put a lot of my faith in, as you say, if it's meant to be it always will be. That God has a plan and I have to have patience and wait for the things I want the most. Not to run after or chase them.
He truly is an amazing guy and I know it hurt him to hurt me, but as he said himself "this is the best for both of us". I know he put a lot of thought into the breakup and I don't think he wanted to lose me, but he knew it wasn't fair to continue on when he didn't know when he would be ready. I truly feel Jane, that we were put on this world for each other. It hurts me so much that I waited for 27 years, being the 'single girl' and I finally met someone so amazing, and the pages just aren't in sync. It's been so painful and I know I'll be OK but it hurts so much. I'll have to continue coming to your page, your words have brought me peace because I know it really wasn't me, it's him.
Hi Jane,
I'm replying to your reply to Kazza because her story seems to fit so well with mine. I am in love with the guy who ended our relationship after a year for the exact same reasons Kazza listed. He is a great guy and we had a very good relationship. He has strong feelings for me and the decision was difficult for him.
We talked things over once since the breakup and he left feeling we should stay broken up. Some days I am so overwhelmed feeling like I should contact him and ask to talk one more time - to tell him we can take it slow, spend less time together, whatever will make him more comfortable being in the relationship. Then I wonder if that's sending the wrong message and I talk myself out of it. I am torn between wanting to fight for the relationship (being afraid that I'm missing out on my chance to fix it) and letting him make the decision on his own. I miss him terribly and it's hard to consider that he might really be letting go for good.
As hard as it is to accept, GS - and I know it is! - the reality here is that he has told you he wants to stay broken up. For whatever reasons he's given you, he's made his decision. You can contact him and ask to talk that one last time - we all want to believe it will make all the difference. But it never does. You can become who you think he wants you to become, that person who he would still want to be with, if you could only put yourself on hold and give him only what he needs to make him more comfortable being with you. But do you see what you do to your own beautiful self when you consider this? Do you see what you're talking about here? You're giving him all your power.
You're putting him up on that pedestal again, assuming that he's got something so much more than you do. That he's worth so much more than you. He's not, GS. He's a guy who's not there, who's not on the same page as you are right now. And it's not up to you to fix this; this one's his and his alone. The only way this might ever be something is if you allow him to make his own decision. But don't wait for that.
Trust that if it's meant to be, it will be. But only if you're both on the same page and want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That's how you know you're truly compatible. That's how you know he's worth any of this second-guessing you're doing here. It's not about you; it's about him. Don't take any of this personally. See it as a wake-up call to create your own beautiful life, to focus on you and who you really are and what you're really looking for.
You only want to be with someone who wants to be with you, GS; remember that part. And if it's him, you'll be the first to know. And if it's not, there will be someone else now that you're free to be with him. You know this already deep within your heart. Trust yourself enough to believe it.
Hello Jane! I have a problem /: Me & my boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years, im 17 hes 19. We both go to that same trade residential school so were together most of the time. In the past hes said that he was confused and didmt know if he wanted a realtionship, which lead to a 6 month breakup. During the break up we acted like a couple all time. When we got back together we were much better and he acted like he was fully into it. Now, hes telling me he confused again & he doesnt know if hes ready for a relationship but he doesnt want to lose me. He said if he were to be w someome else it wouldnt feel right but he just doesnt know if hes ready. He says hes thinking about the long run. I asked if he wanted to break up & he said he didnt want to say anything at the moment. Then i just said its done, & that if its over it stays over because im tired of it. He just stared at me & said he hates doing these thing's & i just walked away. How do i deal w this ? I really love him, hes like my bestfriend. I also live w him & his parents but we only go home on weekends. I just want to be Happy with him, i want him to value and appreciate me. I want him to see my worth. I dont want to let him go, i want to help him, i just feel hurt, im cant stop thinking about it the whole day, its really bothering me, i just need some clarity ):
Is anybody here?
I'm here, Stacey 🙂
Very nicely written!!
I am feeling a bit ups and downs from a recent break up - reasons similar to what you wrote here. I just found your website last night and decided to check out what was posted on my birthday (Jan 9), and voila, here it is, exactly what I need.
Although it is hard when you have fallen for someone, you gotta choose YOU. I have been working on that for a couple of years now, but this recent break up shows me I still need to put in the continuous work. I've walked away, and maintained No Contact for almost 3 weeks now, very proud of myself. I'm afraid that he won't come back (typical!!) but I need to trus that it happens for the right reasons, for my best interests.
I choose myself. It's the absolute right thing to do. And I believe I will come out on the other end, GRAND! 🙂
Thanks, Jane.
You're so welcome, Cecilia - I'm so glad you found exactly what you needed here. 🙂
And yes, without a doubt, you have discovered that in choosing yourself, it is absolutely the best thing you can do! Be so proud of yourself for getting to that place, Cecilia!
We always seem to fall the hardest for the ones who can't or won't commit. It seems for the ones who treat me like a queen I feel no passion whatsoever. I guess it's true that in life we want what we can't have. Sad, indeed. I just keep hoping that the right one will come along one day, who will treat me like a queen and for whom I will feel the passion.
I hear you Brenda; and it is sad because we miss out on so much when we're stuck in these types of relationships - even though we can't see it at the time. You've inspired a post about exactly this, so watch for it in the near future, as reading your words, I'm reminded of the many times I said the exact same thing when I was single and couldn't figure out how I was ever going to break out of this pattern. The key is in getting to the root of why this keeps happening to us, and figuring out how to change this pattern without selling out or selling ourselves short.
@Brenda I remember feeling that exact way, getting drawn to the guys that found it hard to commit or just WON'T, after sitting down and thinking why I would pursue such relationship then I figured it was because I usually got what I wanted so I felt I was not about to give up on this guy until I get what I want, it was a challenge that insisted on mind games & manipulation from his part because he knew what I was after & he knew what I wanted, that fairytale end result knowing he weren't going to give it. He just done things to make me believe omg he will soon commit and take us to the next level & get me excited & my hopes up even more & then it will never happen. So after this 3years roller coaster I thought there's no man worth me waiting that long to get what I want out of a healthy relationship. @confused they act hot & cold like that & try and reel you into where they feel comfortable that you won't go no where and find someone that can give you what you deserve because they are selfish & know deep down they will miss out but that doesn't mean anything because he still can't bring himself to commit, so he's not scared of losing you that bad. He still has his options open while your stuck on him, go and date and make him see it's not all about him with you, your focusing on you and getting what you want out of life & love. When you try and help him to realise stuff like his own issues, it will become annoying & you'll seem like his mother or something & he will distant himself even more because he's obviously not ready to face those fears. He will do it when he's ready & like Jane said if you guys are meant to be it will be but if not it won't happen. You never know what could happen... You can even move on find someone that treats you amazing like a queen & the feeling are reciprocated by you, someone who makes you feel safe, secure & never leaves anxiety or doubt in your mind & if this guy came back & said he was ready. It just might be TOO LATE and you'll then have the strength to send him on his way because you've found someone else that makes you feel amazing & you wouldn't want to go back to him. He may have came into your life for a reason to be a lesson for you to figure out more of what you want and don't want from a relationship. Then when someone great comes along and you've worked on yourself and figured out what you really want out of a healthy relationship. You'll be able to appreciate a GOOD GUY that wants the same thing as you a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. 🙂 do not wait for this guy to make up his mind live your wonderful life because you might be waiting a long time. Life is too short & you only live once. No time for worries just be happy & smile. STRESS FREE when you walk away from those situations.
This is exactly what i needed to hear, thank you so much
Thank you so much to both of you!! (Jane and Miss Aquarian)
It is a relief to know you are not alone and when other share their experience and give you insight it helps to put things in perspective.
It is very very tempting to want to "help" him. I think this is what has gotten me stuck the longest. I know its there if only.... (betting on potential i guess) This is probably the hardest part for me. I so much dont want him to be confused because- a) i can see how painful it must be for him to not even know himself what he wants, to be confused, scared, unsure or worst, not even be aware that you may have a problem. I dont know, I guess i am just a very caring person and see the best in others. At the same time I hear what you are saying Jane to not go there. His confusion will only cause me to be confused and its not up to me to "help" him or fix him or figure it out for him. I have to allow him to go through his own journey/path and there is nothing i can do to speed things along or change them. I try to remind myself that people come in to our lives for a reason, season or a lifetime. Perhaps him and i were only meant to encounter eachother for a brief moment during our journey. As heartbreaking as that sounds and scary as it is for me as well ( as i have my own abandonement fears) I know the best thing for me to do is to just keep moving forward.
I have that book that you mention Jane and I think i will go back and re-read it. You just can't help to see these confused commitment phobic men and not let that nurturing side of you take over and want to be there for them. I will work on this for myself and my health. Miss Aquarian is right.... its not healthy to be in something like this. I have gone back and forth with him several times and yes we get back together but with things still being vague and eventually going back to "his terms" I have seen *some* improvements every time but most of the time we get right back to him withdrawing again or getting scared or whatever it is. So when i think of this i think... "ok so its not that he doesnt care about me or that he is trying to hurt me its just that he doesnt know any better". And thats what keeps me hooked and going back and giving him yet another chance, I guess because if i knew that he was doing this deliberately than i could easily get angry and call him an "A**hole" or something but instead, I feel bad and want to not give up on him. Ok ok I see my own pattern here and i promise i will try my best to understand myself better so that i can heal and not return to the cycle. Things are good for a period of time (like 2 months) but its like he cant sustain it. He reels me back in and then its like he needs to gain control again and things are back to being the same. I thought with time, by being patient, understanding, not pushing and basically accomodating (or should I say enabling) his behaviour that he may see that i am not a threat. That he could trust me with his heart, that i wont suffocate him... that i am just someone who wants to love him. Am I co-dependant? Because these were truly my only intentions and instead of him appreciating this and wanting to get closer......he practically runs away from me.... so sad!!! 🙁
Again-- thank you so much (to both of you) for your words, support and advice. I can't tell you how good it feels to know that you can turn to others who hear and understand what you are going through.
I will keep my head up, i wont contact him and will try not to think about it. Any other advice or resources, please let me know. If others have been there and can do it, I know I can.... 🙂
Usually codependency and loving - and staying - with someone like this go hand in hand, Confused, but you are well on your way, just recognizing all this is huge! 🙂
I'm assuming you've read Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More and other writings, but if you haven't, they're great. The Language of Letting Go, was an especially good one. Know that this is his work, and there's no way you can know what is best for him and what he needs to learn, and how he needs to learn it. Even though we always assume we know 🙂
You have a beautiful heart to care so much, but take that concern and time and energy and spend it on figuring out why you are attracted to someone like this and how you got here in the first place, and you will discover your own journey that will be so much more rewarding because you are working on someone whose life you can actually improve, because the only person you can ever change is yourself, no matter how much we want to believe otherwise! Hang in there, and comfort yourself by knowing that if the two of you are ultimately meant to be together, you will be, but only if you both want the same thing and and are both willing to do the work to get there - that means him, too, not just you.
We started as friends/coworkers I never planned to hook up with him. We went out 2x and after we slept together he changed. If I went out without him he had the nerve to get jealous and text me saying things like I see you had a good time last night. He then got mad and said to me that he wants to go out with me so I told him from now on he will get invites from me whenever I'm going somewhere. A month into trying that strategy he always had an excuse for why he couldn't make it. So NYE I told him why does he keep contacting me he isn't serving any purpose he said he won't ever contact me again and unfreinded me on Facebook. He said he's going through alot and wants one night out with his friends and I'm throwing a temper tantrums after all of the ones he's thrown. I blocked him on Facebook and Instagram this morning. I don't know why these he felt the need to cling on to me like that when I never called him or bothered him I really cared about him but I refuse to reach out to him. If he shows back up and I'm still interested fine but if not that will be his loss!
Sounds like he's confused, JJ. When you draw your own line in the sand, you find out where he really stands. And it sounds like you did.
I have been dating a guy for 2 years. We are both single parents, which makes things complicated. Or maybe that is just an excuse? If he really loved me the way I need, the kids wouldn't be a complication they would be something that makes us even more special? He was married for a long time (13years) and I am afraid that has left him jaded. His need to protect his son from the unhappiness of the divorce has caused him grief and guilt. I can't fix that, and I can tell I hoped I somehow could. Definetely a pattern for me to think that my love will make it all work out. And it does stem from my childhood issues as my dad wasn't in my life, and gave me up for adoption while raisiimg his 3 kids he had after me. I have resentment.
So my boyfriend says he loves me, says he sees a future (just not right now because his son isn't anywhere near ready for that). He isn't able/willing to give me the commitment I need. I fit into so many postings as I am afraid if I give up it will be right before he was going to be ready. He is perfect in every way, except he can't commit. I haven't been able to even tell him what I need, as I know his answer will be he can't because of his son. So for 2 years I have waited, as patiently as possible, for him to be ready. But I can't do this, I am not happy and he knows this. But I can't ignore my need for more.....he says he doesn't want to lose me, that he loves having me in his life. But at this point I don't know what is right or wrong anymore.
What a difficult place you are in, Sad; my heart so goes out to you in the midst of this. At least you have some insight into why you are there and an awareness that you have that belief so many of us share that our love will conquer all and make him come around and give us the love we know is possible if we just wait long enough. How many of us have found out the hard way that this is yet another one of those fantasies we buy into. Only you know what your timetable is here, but know that you have an alternative. It doesn't have to be so cut and dry. You can choose to live your own life now, letting him and your relationship with him fall into the background while you, my beautiful friend, and your life come to the forefront with the focus on those activities and hobbies and passions and social interactions that remind you of all that you are and all that you have separate from him. If you can live your life this way, shifting your commitment to yourself first, and him second, what he does or doesn't do won't matter nearly as much as it does now with so much energy and time and focus on him! No one deserves that kind of attention when it's so one-sided.
And while I understand the delicate balance of respecting his son's needs while recognizing and fulfilling his own, if he is truly on the same page as you, he will know how to make this balance work. Two years is a very long time to wait, Sad, and unfortunately, it doesn't get any easier over time. In my experience, the heartbreak only worsens as you invest more time and energy in someone you love like this but who just isn't there yet, and may never be.
Take the right and wrong out of this; make this about you instead with no right or wrong decision, only what you need, what you deserve, and what you want deep down in your heart. You say he is perfect in every way, except he can't commit. I'm wondering though, if that doesn't negate everything else if that is the one thing you need more than anything else. Time will tell, Sad, but it's up to you to decide what you want to do with that time between now and when it tells.
It's been a while now and I hope your doing much better Confused. I read your post and I can totally relate to your past situation. The hot and cold relationship with that one guy who wont commit (so he says) but for a while, his actions all point to commitment. I currently made my own decision to remove myself from that type of relationship after being in it for a year. It's very difficult as you know but it's do-able.
Anyways, I would like to know how your doing now? and maybe you can tell me what worked best for you during your healing and renewal process? thank you
@confused
Reading your situation had made me think about a situation I had to let go of. Things were the same as what you described above and mines went on for 3years. The being hot and then cold when we got close. Making up excuses on why he weren't ready and saying were just friends when his actions made me feel like we were in a relationship. In this case I think you go with what he's saying if the actions are contridicting his words because he's playing games and putting you through Hurt while he's confused and making up his mind on what he wants to do. It's not fair on you. There's nothing worst than not knowing where you stand with someone & them not reassuring you like you reassure them. When I walked away from the guy I was seeing I just simply told him that I love him and probably too much just to be friends and that I'm not sure if we should continue our situation if he doesn't feel the same way via text and I left it at that. That was a month ago and he hasn't replied. Since then i really wanted to move on, my close friend for 7years and I was spending more time together and I started to see him romanticly and he's on the same page as me, he wants the exact same things. Sometimes you have to walk away in order to see if that guy is the one for you, this is your only way to know where you stand, do not call him. Even if you told him to leave you alone if a man really loves and wants to be with you, no words or nothing will stop him from coming back and being with you and if he doesn't just accept you guys are't meant to be and move on. So you can find the love you know you deserve and stop seeking it from this man that doesn't recognise the good and doesn't seem to want to commit to you and have you to himself... He doesn't deserve your love. You'll be fine, if it's love you wouldn't have to ask anything you'll just know and feel secure. You don't want ups and downs and on and off situations, it's unhealthy. You want someone that will make you smile everyday and who isn't scared to be with you. Hope I've helped. 🙂
Your words are beautiful, Miss Aquarian,and ring so true. Thanks for sharing your story and for the reminder that true love really is like that - "you won't have to ask anything, you'll just know and feel secure". That's exactly what it comes down to. Don't ever settle for anything less than love that's exactly on those terms. 🙂
Thank you @ Jane, I just needed to let @confused know she wasn't the only one that's recently going through the same situation. I also wanted to say when your blinded by this hope of finally getting this guy to commit when he's not ready, your not giving yourself a chance to let someone else in who may be ready for the exact same things & are on the same page as you are and is willing to give you everything you deserve and desire. When you move on and really want to move on, you will be able to allow someone who is genuine into your heart & if this guy decides to come back you don't accept him back unless he's sure and ready to give you what you want because if you accept him on the terms it was on before, that's what it's going to be all over again. So make sure he's on the same page as you if he's not say Goodbye again before another day goes by & he disregards what you want again & don't regret it because if you go back on the terms it was on before you'll regret that more & end up trying to find a way to end it again & that just becomes a endless cycle. Just go through the short-term pain of letting him go and you'll feel empowered & strong when you start to feel happy again & realise the reality. I remember after several break-ups or whatever you'll call it because we weren't really together, that I would think OMG I don't want to go through this pain, so that meant me going back and gaining more pain from the toxic situation I was in. Moving on or should I say Running away from him is best for you & your health right now. Trust me. Soon you'll be laughing at the situation & how he's missed out on a great Woman. 🙂
Hi All,
I've been going the same with a guy for two years now .. I finally got the courage to walk away , my story is so very similar to Miss Aquarian , he last message to me was he is not going anywhere and if I need a friend he is there , but I cant do it anymore .. the game playing , not knowing where I stand .. I am hurting at the moment , but I know its the right thing to do for me , he isn't ready for commitment and I am not his "sometimes" . Thank you all for the support is lovely to hear you are not alone in feeling this way.
I think this makes perfect sense and thanks so much for your insight and this website. You have a very kind and loving way of coming through.
What is hard to understand however is when the guy is giving you completely mixed messages and is entirely inconsistent. I have been with someone for a year and a half and his "ACTIONS" seem like we are in a relationship "acting" like we are a couple- holding hands, spending almost 4-5 times a week together including weekends. Me hanging out with him and his little boy. Cooking together etc.... and everything will be great for awhile and then suddenly he will begin to withdraw as if he feels that things are too good or i decide to say something sweet such as I love spending time with you or even an I love you. He withdraws by not asnwering my calls as much, and him controlling more when "we" get to see eachother etc... This has happened like a cycle about 3-4 times already in our year and half relationship. This break up and get back together. This last time i broke it off because i cant take the ups and downs and the mixed signals anymore. When asked (and this is after spending christmas together at his request) what was going on, he always gives vague answers such as... i just have a lot on my mind. But that unfortunately isn't enough anymore or ok with me. I feel rejected when he withdraws because how do you go from hot to cold from one day to the next? I read a little bit about attachment theory and i truly think he is an avoidant. He withdraws not only emotionally but sexually too and its very very hard for me not to feel insecure with someone who you can never truly know where you stand with. I want it all but only if its for REAL. We were even talking about going away together. Why all of this if he isnt serious about me? This final time when i felt him withdrawing and beginning to act different again and he gave me the same answer i said to him that the mixed signals was driving me a little crazy and that i didnt like feeling that way and that it wasn't fair to me. That i dont push him to even call me his "Girlfriend" out of fear that i may push him away even further but that i needed to know what this was. When his answer to me was: We are friends and im not looking to be in a relationship right now it cut so deep and i was so confused that i simply said "Then do me a favor and please leave me alone.... Goodbye" and i hung up the phone. Its been a year and half of this and i just feel that at this point if you are still "telling" me one thing but "doing" something else that i needed to put a stop to this roller coaster ride.
Its funny because everyone says "Actions speak louder than words" but what on earth is going on with a guy like this? His "ACTIONS" are saying one thing but his words say something completely different. Does he love me and is just afraid (because there are times i truly feel he does love me and he has even mentioned to me that, i would be the perfect woman for him) so what is the problem?
I just now feel that maybe i should have just kept my mouth shut and not said anything but at the same time i would still be in limbo "playing house" with him for what? I am 37 and he is 38.... we are adults. I just dont get it and its been very very hurtful and hard to have to let go of someone when you dont want to. You just cant help but to think, if i wait just a little longer? Maybe if i help him through his fears? If i dont push.... I just dont know and am left just so confused.... I followed the "actions" and thought i would get a different response and its completely baffling for him to have said that. Is he an avoidant? Is he afraid to commit? He is also like a best friend to me so this makes his absence feel even worse and like a huge void. Today is one week since I hung up that phone and told him to leave me alone. I dont want that feeling of not knowing where i stand ... but i dont want to be without him either (SIGH). What is anyone's thoughts on this?? Please help....
THANK YOU!!!
My heart goes out to you, Confused, because it is so difficult to be with someone like this when your heart is so attached to him and you truly want him in your life and what to be with him. But what I'm hearing loud and clear is that this man, regardless of his age, is so confused himself. He doesn't know what he wants, he's scared. He's going back and forth with you and giving you such mixed signals because that's what he's doing with himself in his own head, whether subconsciously or not. But don't go there with him. You've been in this with him for so long that of course you wonder what your game plan should be and how much you should help him. Don't go there. This is his work that he needs to do on himself and taking it on, taking him on, will only make you crazy. The only person who can help him sort out his feelings and what he wants here, is himself, and maybe a therapist trained to help men who can't commit, who get scared of losing control like he does. His behavior makes perfect sense for someone who is feeling out of control in a relationship, but as sad as this is, you are not here to be his counselor. This isn't about you figuring him out or playing games to hold back your own feelings so that he will come around; this is real life and a real relationship and he simply isn't there.
What this really is about is you; be so proud of yourself for finally having the courage to stand your ground with him and go a week without contact with him. That is no small thing when you want to be doing anything but this. Honestly, the only way he may come around is by your taking a stand and being true to yourself and what you want - and deserve - in a relationship. If you haven't already, the most insightful and helpful book I read after my many experiences with men who couldn't commit, was the book Men Who Can't Love (I refer to this in my resource section) - reading this will give you such a new perspective on your situation and you will see just how you are so not alone in what you're going through. That back and forth behavior is the trademark of someone who's scared and doesn't know what he wants, so you have recognized this well. Keep focusing on you, and living your life, and try not to think about him, although I know firsthand just how hard that can be to actually do. Get as much support as you can for yourself right now and keep busy focusing on you and the things you enjoy doing. If he is the one for you, he will come around and be ready to make some changes and get some help for his relationship issues.
You deserve so much more than someone who doesn't know that he wants you in his life, and you should never have to second guess yourself or wonder what your gameplan should be to be with someone you love!
I know this is old post so not sure if u still come here but @confused I have same situation only its been six months we have broken.up once then got back together now he has done it a second time. like you his actions were I love you his I need to.be with you all the time if I'm not with u I need to speak to you when I'm with you I act like I love you so much and sorry about you. then bam suddenly this is just not going to work out I like you but it isn't doing beyond that for me despite two days before telling me he didn't want to ever go back to not having me he was lucky I took him back and I was so special to him now he just wants to.be friends. its bull you know when a guy likes you and when they live you what we didn't count on was an adult man not being able to.face his fears and ct selfishly to get away from that fear. s
mine won't even.be anywhere neare becAuse he knows he would be able to pretend he doesn't love me so s wouldn't be able to pretend sorry. so case is this everyone says if its right it'll happen but I don't believe love will always happen way you want it to and its a question of do you be here for that man no matter Wjats it takes or do you simply move on. question is can you move on. me I don't seem able tp I seem so lost in this that I need tp help fix him but isn't possible without him wanting to be fixed
girl, you need to move on. Believe me, easier said then done. I have been in the SAME SITUATION and even until recently almost got wrapped up in that nonsense. The guy acted like my boyfriend: was protective, jealous, very affectionate, always wanted to see be with and talk to me, etc etc he said he loved me and I was totally in love with him. it was intense and passionate, whatever "it" was. He is 10 years younger and trying to go to dental school so he is completely wrapped up in that. yet, he was on a dating site so he must want something right? and if he claims he doesn't just want sex (and it didn't seem like it) well, what else would he want? casual dating I assume, problem is, most women aren't gonna be so casual after mos. of dating a handsome, charming extremely charming and passionate, caring guy so I see this as problematic and leading women on. If you CANNOT commit, then stay single and/or MAKE ABSOLUTE CERTAIN the other party knows this is just a FWB situation. I told him afte rI started to see a pattern of him giving then withdrawing "look, I can't do this in between.we are FWB or we are more." IF we are just FWB there was no need to speak to me night and friggin day, no need to call me up at work and talk to me all night when work's slow, no need to say you "love me" or you want to hold me and cuddle, no need to make future f*cking plans with me or talk about how cute our children would be, am I wrong for thinking I was led on? hell no. BUT I WAS WRONG FOR BEING LIKE YOU AND THINKING IT WOULD CHANGE. My sitaution with him only went on not even 2 mos, but yours looks much longer. I knew I wasn't gonna settle for this nonsense. Also, guy I'm talking about is 24, your guy has no excuse in his late 30's. how it has ended for me was me getting mad bc he would take hours and even a day to respond to a text message. This seemed disrespectful to me and I called him on it. He texted back (next day) and said "You know how many times I've wanted to text you but what's the point? I can't give you what you want and as you would say, I;m not stable. I would rather you think whatever you wanna think about me as opposed to us getting hurt". well, too late for that I said. I told him he was flake and that's fine, even though I was really hurt. He responded you knw I am always here for you and "I'm sorry for talking to you before knowing what I want". lol he did a lot more than talk. I responded that I don't need his pity, if he doesn't want me it's his loss and take care. That was about a week ago. do I feel like you, hurt, confused, wounded ego, angry, upset, missing him and everything else? YES. HOWEVER, THIS IS THEM WITHDRAWING IT. Do not blame or second guess yourself, have pride and dignity. people respect confidence. I've even talked to guys (lots of guy friends) and read a lot of posts and the guys have said verbatim regarding EU (emotionally available men) that they wiull stick with women who put up with their noncommittal-ness and the ones who put up w/ the guy who won't give you what you want, they don't VALUE the woman putting up with them and turn even more non committal. please read Evan Marc katz, his whole dating philosophy is for women to be the CEO and fire any intern not pulling his weight, including unresponsive EU guys and ones stringing us along. When we stand by what we say and do and have high value upon ourselves, other act accordingly. If you keep letting this go get away with this, he will continue to act this way. It's unfortunate but the cycle must end. You said you don't even push him for anything or to call you his girlfriend, well at this point that should have happened. Look, the guy knows your settling. Hell, YOU KNOW you're settling and unless you think your market value is low the why settle? like you said, too old for that noise. I am 34 and I sure as sh*t wouldn't tolerate that after a year and change. I hope you go no contact with this guy bc all I see is heartbreak in your future.
@alissa. Wow I just want to say that you are right when you say that we should not second guess ourselves. After all, how can you move on when you are still hanging on to the guy and hoping it will work out. I just told a guy today that I was not looking for someone that just texted me all the time. We had been talking for about 6 months now. We used to see each other about once every two weeks when he lived in the same hometown as me. For the last 3 months he moved an hour and a half away. I think that if the guy really likes you he will make more effort to try and build the relationship. We would only text and see each other in person maybe once a month when he moved away. He still texted me everyday, but when I asked him to call me he would ignore me; then he would text me like nothing had happened. I felt a big sense of relief when I was able to tell him I was looking for a boyfriend, not someone who texted me regularly. I had read Evan Marc Katz advice. I am glad I did. Now I can keep my options open and feel like I don't have to worry about where I stand with him.
Hi. This is an amazing post, it gave me a sense of relief. I was in a similar situation, only i told the guy I was dating that we should take a break until I find a job, since I had no income for 2 months and was going through a hardship. Long story short, a week later, I found a job, but he wanted us to no longer date since he was so busy with work and stressed out with school. He confirmed a few times that he still liked me, he just needed to focus and get his life to where he wants it to be at. In 3 months, I was the only one who made an effort for us to stay in contact. He let me know that even with him not taking a class over summer, that he still did not want to date because he feels as though I want more then he can offer; he doesn't want to be attached to anyone and wants the freedom to do as he pleases. Well, 2 wks later I saw him snapchat a picture of him and another woman so I asked if that was his gf. He told me that it is not his girlfriend, he does however like her. I became upset and basically told him that we should not be in contact anymore, however after that, I let him know that i have strong feeling for him. I did make the mistake of telling him that he did not have to respond, however, he did response, but for some reason, I was unable to view his msg. After letting him know that I was unable to view his msg, he has yet to respond. I feel like reaching put to him again is irrational. At the same time, it just so hard wanting to hear from someone, anything and not getting a response. What do you think about the situation?
Dear Donny,
He is not interested in you. I am sorry. I know how much it sucks and must hurt, but that is the truth. He is looking for another person, he is not the guy you want. It's not personal, you didn't do anything wrong at all. Don't forget that you only want a man who really wants you. A man who is interested will show it with actions and words that match. He wasn't straightforward with you because of course he didn't want to hurt your feelings. But he has already said everything you need to know. He doesn't want to date you, he wants freedom, he likes someone else. He didn't reach out to you. It's more than enough. Don't waste any more of your valuable time on this. It's hard, but you are now free to find another man who truly wants you and values you.
So me and my middle school, first boyfriend started seeing eachother after 9 years. We're both 22. First, he chased me like crazy, saying I reminded him of being in love, i was his first love, he was really happy with me and thinks I will be a good girlfriend for him. He even said he couldn't wait for the day he will call me ''love''. After one month, he changed. He invited me over his place and said that It should end because he doesn't want to play with my feelings, he said he was tired of relationships, he doesn't want someone to ask him questions about his whereabouts and he was likely to cheat on someone because he looks at other women. I am completely devastated about how this whole thing went downhill. I stood there and almost said no words i nodded say i respected his decision and tried hard not to cry. He kept saying he liked me and he was so sorry for hurting me. He texted me and Left it on read, still talking about how i was a good kind hearted person. How can i change his mind or get over him?
Cut contact. You won't get over him if you continue hearing about him. You cannot make anyone do anything. That's on him. And remember, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". He's already shown you he's not who you thought he was. Good luck.
Wow, you're situation sounds like mines from a-z. I'm so hurt and confused.
Great article. I jist recently let someone go. It was hard because he didnt want to go. He wanted to stay and not commit. I had to be strong and stopped answering him.
Great articles and response..
My situation is the same...and I finally I could not take being his secret, hearing from him everyday and spending time together, to nothing A ghost
my question you ,,
Is it wrong to say to him that i have not heard from him and if he didn't want to talk or be together that he could at least have the courage to tell me than to leave me hanging?
Jackie, so many of us have been there, including me.
If you want to say how you feel and send a last letter /email /text, then do.
But
(1) consider sleeping on it after writing it and give it at least 24 hours before you look at it again.
At that point, you may want to edit it a bit and/or you may decide to give it another 24-48 hours.
Sometimes after a few days of doing that, one decides to wait a week or a month, and then send it or perhaps ends up deciding not to do so for the time being.
What is nice about doing it this way, is that you give yourself several options and opportunities.
Plus, if you do send it, by then, it will be a very well-written clear message and address everything you wanted to cover. --That way, you won't feel like oh I should have said it this way or added that , etc....
(2) be prepared that he still won't reply. :/
For most guys who act like this, being called on their behavior , however kindly , will result in them continuing to act the same way.
This is because they acted the way they initially did bc they wanted to avoid any conversation or anything that might make them feel bad or cause them to examine what triggered them to pull away or disappear.
Also the longer they stay silent, the easier it is to remain silent and hope if they bury their head, it will disappear or pass them by.
Ugh of them!
In fact, I think sometimes the cowardly way they do it is as upsetting as the actual break up.
For me, it felt like I must have meant very little (or what we had was so easily dismissable) if they couldn't even have the courtesy to see /call /email /text.
Though, if they had just text, that would have felt rather rotten as well. 🙂
But I started to realize them acting like that was a GIFT.
Bc it was hard evidence , clear proof, that the guy I was mourning was not them.
I was mourning the guy I thought they could be or perhaps who they had even hoped to be (based, more likely than not, on a great beginning anywhere from a couple dates to 3 months, and cultivated by my rationalizing away a number of red flags).
Bc the guy i was mourning would never ever treat someone like this, let alone me.
And it helped me to remind myself (often) that I was missing an ideal and not a real person.
I was sad bc they couldn't be the person they initially tried to be.
And that made me realize that the "guy" i was mourning and the future I was grieving for were actually both still out there!
I had just attached it to the wrong person.
Mr. Right is out there and on his way to you and he will never treat you this way.
And after this guy, you are one step closer bc you know more what you want and what you don't want.
It all stinks right now, and break-ups are so devastating, but one day you'll find you didn't think of him as much that day.
Another day, you will go an entire day without thinking of him.
And then one day you will feel that tinge of excited anticipation because you are free and who knows when or where or how you will meet your guy?
But in the meantime, let him know , if that is what you need to do to close the door.
Because what matters now is what you need to do to move on.
Mourn him, pamper yourself , take it easy, do things you enjoy, try something new , and if it takes sending one last letter /email /text , then by all means do!
Just continue to be the loving kind person you are , the one your husband is going to be so excited to have by his side.
You are now officially closer to meeting him!
Thank-you!! If and when I decide to send a text or email, I will definitely take the time to put it all together. I realize it is over, and I am ok with it. I understand that I may not receive a response but I do feel I should voice my feelings.
For myself, I would rather know then not know.
I do feel one day I will meet the man for me. I feel that if someone likes you, they should be happy and proud to be by your side , not some secret and behind doors. Which showed me that he did not respect me and I have more respect for myself then to be treated this way.
I will continue as I have been. I am a very sporty active person which loves the outdoors. So, I will take the time to enjoy!!
It's all sad but I will be fine?
This is an old thread but. I hear what you're saying and I can identify with what you said right now. WTF is it with men. When you live them you give them all but they don't want to own up to being your boyfriend. They go to disappearing on you. I tell what I currently do. It is call for call and text for text for me. I can't give you what you don't give me. Ok no call no show or follow through with NewYears plans I will not waste my breath or time looking for you. It's gonna be like....Next. I'll pursue other personal interest but I will not be chasing nobody. Good luck to you mate. Stay up!
You should have kicked him in the balls to start the New Year off right.