I’ve been getting a lot of questions lately from women wondering about what they should be doing to try to find him. The guy who’s Mr. Right for them. And I’m hearing you all very clearly.
What you’re saying behind the words.
You want some reassurance. You want to know it’ll happen to you. You want to know what to do, how do it – basically, you want in on the secret to finding him so that you can finally relax and just know it’s coming.
Your own true love.
So I’ve decided to do a special series of blog posts for you on something I think you’ll all benefit from. I’m putting myself in your shoes and remembering when I was wondering all those same things, too. Except I didn’t have anyone to ask at the time.
So come listen in on some words of wisdom from who I am now to the inexperienced woman I used to be, when I was desperately trying to figure this all out …
Part 1: If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t hold on so tightly to relationships that I thought were the best I was going to get.
I would know that I deserved better than that, and that it was only in refusing to settle for less that I would finally get it right.
Why do we sometimes hold on so tightly to something that isn’t working for us?
To someone who isn’t giving us what we deserve? Isn’t treating us the way we deserve to be treated? Isn’t loving us the like the way we were meant to be loved?
Any time a relationship I was in started taking a turn for the worse – whether it was that he wasn’t calling as much, wasn’t paying as much attention to me, he was out with his buddies more than he was with me, or I just had some gut feeling that something had changed for him – I started hanging on tighter.
Yep. Tighter.
As in, I started getting scared tighter. Started thinking he was on his way out and I had to quickly do something to turn it around.
So I’d decide to try sexier. Prettier. Funnier. Cooler.
You get the picture.
Instead of looking at the current state of affairs and choosing to either come right out and ask him about it, or to ride it out and see what happened while focusing more on me and living my own life, I dug in my heels.
Nope. Not healthy, not honoring of me, not about realizing my own worth; when he pulled away from me, it brought out every abandonment issue I’d ever had and left me desperately trying to turn things around by pulling out all the stops and becoming everything I thought he wanted me to be.
Instead of just being myself. And accepting that maybe we just both weren’t on the same page and maybe it was time to see the writing on the wall.
Anyone relate? Why do we continue to do this to ourselves?
Let’s just come right out and ask him what’s going on with him or take what he’s able to give us but expand our own world to make up the difference and see if anything changes.
But hanging in there and remaining silent on what we’re observing, while we’re pretzeling ourselves to be whatever we think we need to be more of to get him to change, isn’t going to bring him any closer to us. In fact, it will most likely have the opposite effect.
But what if we could see it as a gift?
That he’s not where we are, not on that same page as us right now, and not quite sure how to let us know except by putting some distance between us.
Because he’s insecure too! He doesn’t know how to tell us directly – that he’s not the guy for us.
And whether we like it or not, what we see is who he is and where he’s at right now.
And that’s the point. The present. Right now.
That ideal we have in our mind, those dreams we’ve got – they're all ours, not his. And whether he’d be the perfect guy for us if he’d just spend a little more time with us isn’t the point.
He’s showing us what he’s capable of right now. And that is the point.
So decide.
Talk to him or let it ride while making up the difference with your own life. But don’t hold on so tight when he’s not. When he’s letting you know by his actions that he’s not as into you as you’re into him.
Give him the space he’s asking you for. And then reassess what you’re really getting out of this relationship.
And if the writing’s on the wall, let it go. Let him go. Without hard feelings.
Because as hard as it is to admit it to ourselves sometimes, some relationships are just not meant to be. Some guys are just not the ones for us. And you deserve better than that.
Better than settling for someone’s crumbs.
Because there really is someone out there who will treat you better than that. Who’s waiting for you to come along as much as you’re waiting for him. The irony is, it’s only when we refuse to settle for anything less than we deserve that we find out we don’t have to.
Can you relate to any of this? Share your thoughts with all of us here in the comments!
I believe in was in that situation. I was with my current ex for one year one month and something days. The last month was full of no visits even though his work is about 10 minutes from my parents house, slow response time and he was distancing himself. The day he broke up with me was when he told me his feelings changed over time slowly and his path in life was changing, he may have to move to a city 2 hours away from me and he didn't want to be in a relationship. He said it was mostly a lot of personal things and said it's not you it's me. Now at that point my heart was full of strong emotions because it was like that for a long time. We had good times together overall when he still liked me, we got along pretty well. It's been a few weeks now since he said bye and i do forgive him. I'm not sure if I can erase him completely from my heart.
Diane, how about not trying to erase him from your heart, but instead, put memories of him in a small capsule thats inside your heart? That leaves your beautiful heart a lot of room to fill it up with someone else yet preserves the piece of you that still wants to honor what you had.
Exactly the process I'm trying to get at. While I'm not bitter it's over, the hard part is just taking it all in emotionally and being strong about it overall . I've never said I liked you to someone first before or felt so strongly about someone or take them home to meet mom and dad or be invited to meet their folks and actually went. It was and felt like my first real relationship of great joy and pain. All this went down before I had finals 2 ish weeks ago in nursing school.
Hello,
I can relate to this post so well.
I've been with my partner for 3 years and the last 6 months we were moving in together. My partner is wonderful and we get on so well. Unfortunately my partner is scared of taking the next step, but assured me he loves me and wants it all to happen naturally. Not put dates to moving in!
In the new year we had a honest conversation as I was to be moving in this month. He's not ready. I was about to leave and he said he didn't want to lose me. We decided to do a trial moving in. This to happen by April. We are having a chat about it next week. But I fear that I will have to walk away. I said in Jan that I would if we didn't move forward.
I feel that I've met the right person just the wrong time. I deserve more, but also very frustrated as I don't know what's in my head or real anymore!!!
Just dont move in yet.
Stay where you are and focus on the interaction of the relationship first.
Thank you. Your right. I think I'm so focused on moving the relationship forward I've lost sight of my relationship.
I think it's my fear that it won't happen that has really pushed me. Thank you.
for my whole life i've had so many Mr Wrongs and not Mr.Right. i even say to myself i need to find Mr.Right who is he? i've had 6 exes and i'm single still looking for Mr.Right. i have a list of what i want and need in a guy
there is a guy who've i known for 5 years going 6 in Dec 2016 and still friends n i feel he likes me n there has been times where he hasn't replied to my msgs or say goodbye on 6mar. i said happy easter to him n he read my msg yesterday but didn't question me like how was your easter etc. i wish i had his number n still wanna meet him for coffees as casual in future. he ticks every box
in the meantime i've been meeting new guys on trains and buses. 1 guy i met 4x n he remembers me, at the stage of getting to know him. idk whether to give him my number to him when i see him for the 5th time and he has the same firstname as 1 of my ex's but he isn't my ex which is good. another guy i met n seen him 1x and hope to see him another time.
i thought either the guy i met 4 times or the guy i've known longer could be Mr.Right. when it comes to meeting guy i like to start off being friends & get to know them first for 6 months n if i like him n he likes me then i go ahead to r-ship and make sure he ticks every box. if i don't like him after 6 months i will stay friends with him even if he goes out with someone else.
Idk whether to give this new guy (i'm getting to know) my number when i meet him on the train for the 5th time? or is it worth giving a guy i known a long time my number?
i thought of giving the guy i met 4x my number so that he can txt me if he's on the current train or the next train.
i do picture my future as being married, rich and have no kids but be an auntie.
this just made my whole morning because that's exactly what I'm going through but instead of asking him I hold on tighter and I also started seeing other guys now he's hurt and hates me he's blowing my phone up when I should have just walked away I feel bad cuz two wrongs don't make a right