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Why Asking Him "Why?" Never Works

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A beautiful woman stands looking into the camera wondering why her boyfriend is getting emotionally distant, hasn't called, or won't commit or make a commitment to her.I know - you want to know why.

Why hasn't he called?

Why is he getting distant?

Why won’t he commit?

You had a great first date, maybe even some wonderful second and third dates, maybe even a couple of great months where things seemed to be getting serious. And suddenly you haven’t heard from him and it’s been a week.

Or he asked for your number and then he never called, until you bump into him somewhere and now you really want to know why. Or he’s not ready to commit and you've had the conversation all too many times but you still don’t understand what’s really going on.

You want to know why!

The problem is that as much as we want to understand what’s really going on and get to the bottom of this behavior that doesn't make any sense to us, trying to get an answer out of him isn't really going to tell us anything we don’t already know.Continue Reading

Drop The Rules

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A beautiful woman wondering should I call him looks at a laptop computer screen confused by all of the conflicting dating rules because he hasn't calledDo this. Do that.

Don’t do this. Don’t do that.

No wonder you’re exhausted and ready to give up, my beautiful friend.

Trying to figure out how to find love is exhausting when you’re doing it like this!

But what if he might have called but I accidentally turned my phone off for just a minute and even though the cell phone company said a text or missed call should still be on there, there was still a 0.1 percent chance it wouldn't show up - so should I call him just in case? Or would I sound too desperate if he hadn't called but was planning to call and now do you think he won’t call – even though he was going to – because I called him?

My sweet friend, I more than understand what’s going on here.

You want him to call.

You want him to like you enough to call you and ask you out again. You want to have made a good enough first impression so that he’ll want to get to know you better. You want to have a chance to see where things might lead because he seems to be everything you’re looking for. So you don’t want to do anything to mess this up. You want to have a second chance to make an even better impression.

So what do you do?

Well, if you're like most of us, you confer with all of your girlfriends and they all collaborate on the answers with you.  Do this, don’t do this. More rules.

You check in with your mom – she tells you what she thinks you should do, or shouldn't do.

You check in with your guy friends. Don’t do that!

You read through all the advice on the entire internet and find that everyone out there has a different opinion on what you should or shouldn't do. What you should or shouldn't be like.

No wonder you are so sick and tired of being single! This is no way to live!

The reality is that regardless of whose advice you follow or what well-meaning friend or family  member you decide to listen to, what’s missing here in all of this is that person you know better than anyone else: you!

And somewhere along the way, she got lost in all of this and hasn't yet found her way back.

Because with everyone else’s voices coming through so loud, hers is barely audible anymore. And considering the ways she’s seemed to have led you down the wrong road in the past, you’re really not sure if you can trust her anymore.

Follow your heart? That’s all you've been doing lately and that hasn't worked out.

Let your mind guide you? Yeah, but that only leads you to the guy who looks great on paper but not anywhere else.

Just relax and see what shows up? Yeah, right, and what do you do when Mr. From Another Planet keeps showing up and no one else?

I get it.

Believe me, I do.

Not so very long ago I went through exactly this process, accumulating more than my fair share of good and not so good advice on what exactly to do.

But you know what I found out?  None of it worked.

That’s right. None of it.

Because it had to come from me. When I was ready – really ready. The kind of ready when you come to the place that you realize in no uncertain terms that the way you are living isn't any way to live and you’re ready to hear the truth.

Yes, that kind of ready.

Because, doing and being what someone else thinks you should do or be isn't sustainable.

You can do all those tricks, try all those things, but if they’re not coming from that authentic place of who you really are, nothing’s going to work. Nothing. Because you can only play a part – or someone else’s part - for so long. At some point the real you is going to come out, and if that's not the woman he fell for than it's not going to work.

So drop the rules, drop the trying to be perfect, drop the trying to be someone you’re not.

Whatever you are is beautiful. Because that’s who you are.

If you don’t like who you are, ask yourself why. We all have things we’d like to change about ourselves, but it’s one thing to want to work on becoming a better person in certain areas and a whole other thing to loathe ourselves when all we need to do is change our scenery so we can see ourselves – and all there is to love – in a whole new light.

The kind of scenery that involves removing the influences that bring us down and make us feel like there’s something wrong with us, and replacing them with people who love us for who we are and see all the beauty in us even if we can’t see it yet.

Do you see the difference?

You, my beautiful friend. This is about you being your true, authentic self.

No tricks, no rules, no agenda. Just you.

Beautiful, confident, radiant you. Nothing else matters.

Does She Deserve This?

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A beautiful woman sits alone in a coffee shop hoping he will call but he hasn't called.I saw her sitting there all alone today, watching all the couples laughing around her. She was still waiting for him to show … does she deserve this?

I saw her trying to hide the tears as she kept checking her phone for that message that never came … as she was silently wondering why he hasn't called...does she deserve this?

I heard her telling them he's been so busy at work lately, that's why she's there without him again, and she knew what they were thinking, even if they didn't say it out loud, because she thought it, too … does she deserve this?

I heard the door slams, the awful language, the harsh words, and then the pleading not to leave, as he left anyway … does she deserve this?

I heard her talking on the phone, telling him never to call her again, then I heard the sobs that came after she put her phone down when it all sunk in … does she deserve this?

I heard him telling her so many lies, stringing her along, for a reason that never makes any sense – but still she stays … does she deserve this?

You think it will be different this time, but you've chosen someone with the same story.

You think he will be different this time, but you've found someone who's actually the same guy as the last one, even though he's got a different name and a different look.

You think it's going to get better if you just give it a little more time.

You think he's going to come around and make a commitment to you if you just hang on a little longer.

It's time to stop believing so much in him, and start believing in someone who is worth believing in – YOU.

You choose, you decide.

The only person who can change this is you.

So What If He Hasn't Called

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Close up of womans hand using mobile phone on a bokeh background, symbolizing that her boyfriend doesn't text her.
Do you see a pattern here?

I remember it all too well. We had exchanged phone numbers, and now the ball was in his court. Then the anxiety would start: Would he call? How long would it take? Why hasn't he called? Did he lose my number? Should I call him? Has it been too long?

There was so much stuff around that all important phone call. Even if he had already made that initial call, it didn't always change. Instead, it became: Would he call again? How long would he wait before he called again? If I call him, will he call me back? If we talked about getting together and then he didn't call, what did that mean? What if the plans weren't firm? How long is too long? And on and on and on.

You get the picture.

And even though we know we can call him if we really want to, if it means more to us to ease our own anxiety than to wonder when or if he'll call, we don't really want to. We just want him to call us.

So because this seems to be an almost universal condition of us loving, giving, well intentioned women, this waiting and wondering why and when we're going to hear from him, I've given this some thought lately. And here's the way I see it:Continue Reading

Having the Confidence to Just Say "Next!"

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She's confident, so sure of herself, that everyone around her knows she's not going to accept anything less than she deserves. So full of confidence. A table card with the word "Next" sits on a white table.
Photo Credit: Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos"

What do you do when you're simply not the type who can just say "next!" when he doesn't call or when he won't give you the commitment you want? I know, it's not you. But you so want it to be.

You know exactly the type. She's got that mesmerizing confidence, so sure of herself, that everyone around her knows that she not only knows what she wants, but that she's not going to accept anything less. She's not going to sell herself short and she wouldn't dream of settling.

But you're not her, and you can only wonder how she got there. So full of confidence and sure of herself.

But what you don't know is that she never used to be this way either. She never used to be able to just say "next!" and let him go like that as soon as he wasn't treating her the way she knew she deserved. She had to learn how to do this just like you are going to learn to do this too, so that one day, you will be the one that everyone looks up to and wonders how you did it, how you got to be this strong and confident in yourself.

It begins with getting a life. It continues with living that life. It gets better with an unwavering commitment to yourself above all else.

It means having enough support for the real person that you are by people who love you and bring you up instead of tearing you down.

It means you know the difference between being alone and being lonely, and you're not afraid of either.

It means you know yourself well enough to like yourself. It means you choose to love yourself because you know you were created as you are for a reason, and you are here at this time and place for a reason bigger than you can understand.

It means you know your worth because you truly understand, and know in your heart that no one is worth more than anyone else. You really get that, and you don't feel the need to prove your worth to anyone. You say yes or you say no, but you don't respond out of guilt because you don't need to feel guilty, and you don't do things to try to please others because you know that the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Real people see though that and don't want a surface relationship like that with you!

It means you set and stick to your firm boundaries, you won't accept bad behavior and you know what that looks like. You know you've set the bar high enough and that you won't let anything less than what you really want slip through. You know you don't ever have to accept anything less than this because you know you control how people treat you by whether or not you allow them in your life if they aren't willing to live up to your standards!

It means you know you deserve nothing less than this and you refuse to let anyone, no matter who they are, treat you any other way because you know it's only in refusing to settle for anything less than you deserve, that you will eventually find only what you do deserve!

Once this has become your mantra, deeply ingrained in you, you will find that you surprise even yourself in how quickly you're able to say "Next!" when a man isn't treating you the way you know you deserve to be treated.

And then everyone will be looking at you, wondering how you got there.

It's Time to Raise the Bar!

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We just keep lowering the bar on what we'll settle for, and in the process we teach him how little we will require from him if he'll only choose us. A beautiful woman is lifting a barbel on her shoulders.Don't ever doubt that you teach him how to treat you. That each of us teaches each and every man out there how to treat us and every other woman who comes after us. When you're wondering how he can ask for your number and then never call. When you're wondering how he can text you at the last minute on a Friday night and ask if the two of you can get together. When you're wondering how he can lead you on and then one day reveal that he was never interested in anything more than a casual relationship when you finally get up the nerve to ask.

There's only one reason: it's because we've put up with this.

He learned that from yet another beautiful woman who went before you that accepted less than she deserved. And the ones before her as well. We've all collectively taught men that they can get away with treating us like this.

You see, we've made everyone so proud of just how accommodating and understanding we are, that we never knew, in our hearts, that someone has to earn the right to be with us. To have us in their lives. We learned that good little girls simply agree and go along with what others want us to be if it means they will love us and give us the life we're looking for. That security, and feeling of being chosen, being lovable, that we so crave on every level of our awareness.

And so we lower the bar.

We just keep lowering the bar on what we'll settle for, and in the process we teach him how little we will require from him if he'll only choose us.

And so we jump when he calls us or texts us. We hold off on making plans until the last minute in the hope that he'll finally make plans with us first.

We wait.

We hold off on living our own lives, blazing our own path because he's so close and he's all that. And our own missed opportunities come and go. Our own dreams never see their fulfillment. He has no idea what we're capable of, of the woman we really are, because we're afraid to scare him off. After all, we tell ourselves, he might not want a strong woman or one who isn't afraid to speak her mind.

We forget that someone who is truly meant for us is looking for exactly who we are! He isn't intimidated by any part of us, and in fact, he has been waiting for someone just exactly like we are.

And the most important part is that when it's right, he feels the same way about us as we feel about him. That's what makes it work.

Not anything you think you have to do to make him love you.

Not anything you believe you have to settle for to get him to keep coming back for more.

Not anything you think you have to prove to have someone like him love you.

Because every time you behave like this, every time you show him that it's OK to treat you like this, you teach him that it is OK.

But it's not.

It never is. It's time to raise the bar. For you, and for every woman that comes after you who comes to understand this truth, too.

You, my beautiful friend deserve so much more than this!

 

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