Finding your YOU that leads to TWO
What does it feel like to not have to be perfect?
Or to not care about what anyone else thinks?
Or to be the woman every man wants?
Or to finally be able to let go of him?
What is it like to live like that? To not feel like there's something wrong with you, to live your life like that confident, sassy woman you know, to say "next" when he's not ready for the commitment you are? What would it be like to live your own life like this?Continue Reading
I've recently taken up ice skating again.
You may remember this post where I mention my aspirations to become a professional figure skater as a young girl. I rediscovered my love of ice skating in my late twenties during my own personal quest to find my passions and create the life I always wanted – and rediscovered the little girl with such big dreams in the process.
As happens with life sometimes, the ice skates went into a box and got put in the back of the closet along with a lot of other things while more pressing priorities (like raising small children) took over the forefront of my life.
But now, I'm happy to say, they're once again seeing not only the light of day, but the beautiful cold smoothness of the ice once again. This time around I'm skating with my kids, and it's an amazingly enjoyable activity for me to do with them.
Whenever the music's playing over the sound system, the disco lights are flashing and I'm gliding over the freshly cleaned ice, I get that feeling like the world's my oyster once again.
And that feeling is the exact reason why I’m always encouraging you to find a form of creative expression that speaks to you. Something you love and can feel passionate about. When you discover this for yourself, you’ll know exactly why!
But that's not what this post is about.
One of our dear, sweet readers is in a back and forth romance with a guy that disappears on her and then keeps coming back, and she's wondering what she can do to finally move on. She has signed her letter "Anonymous", so I've called her "Beauty".
Good evening Jane,
I know that you are very busy and I looked through the posts and there isn't anything that really answers my question and I truly hope you could answer this. I am in a very unfortunate predicament and my heart really needs healing.
It all began two years ago.
I was backpacking across Europe when I met the one, who I believed and hoped, was my soulmate. We had this instant chemistry, something so rare.
He was with a friend and I was traveling alone, the three of us decided to travel together. We met in Venice, we would spend the day on the water taxi, he held me in his arms and from the very beginning, I had warned him that he shouldn't fall in love with me and that wouldn't be allowed.
Right away, he was afraid it was too late, he was worried he would never again meet someone like me.
A couple days passed and we were now in Rome, we still had not kissed. He brought me to the fountain of love, my eyes were closed and when I opened my eyes I saw this brilliant and beautiful fountain and we shared our first kiss. my oh my was it beautiful. We then kept traveling and about a week in, we needed to part ways. I knew I would never see him again, but he really made me feel the way no one had ever made me feel.
He just clicked.
Well, that all sounds beautiful until.... He ended up realizing he would never see me again and basically ditched me in Athens late at night... I was heartbroken.
He then messaged me saying he needed to see me again, whilst we were still in Europe. I forgave him and accepted. Of course he was not very mature, and kept me waiting for 5 hours at the port in Santorini... he never made it.
Months passed, and he decided to message me again, he had confessed his love for me and said he would do anything to be with me. We then started doing long distance (he lived about a one hour flight from my home town). We skyped once in a while, though he often had excuses.
He kept telling me he wanted to come see me, or that he would pay my flight to see him.
Well, he did neither.
I bought a flight and went to see him and stayed with him for two weeks. Met his family and spent two nearly perfect weeks with him. He seemed so doubtful, he often had this look in his eyes as if he was thinking, contemplating. He told me he loved me, I believed him and loved him so so much.
Fast forward a couple of months and he begins to ignore me, for weeks at a time. Thinking that was okay to do. Finally I tell him I can't sit and wait, he was supposed to come see me at Christmas, but told me he was not able to. He then kept me holding on by saying he loved me and didn't want to lose me and that he would try harder.
It was in October of 2012 that I said, I couldn't hold on to these broken promises anymore and that it was time for me to move on.
I have spent now two years, doing amazing things, working with children with special needs. Went to Kenya twice to work on projects for sustainability for local centers in Africa. I have done wonders. I was very happy without him, but still felt a bit empty, still missed him often and longed for the love we had.
He would often pop in and say "hey lets catch up soon, you always cross my mind and I miss you". I would respond and not hear back from him for months. He would then do that again and again.
This lasted two years.
One month ago, he contacted me.
He seemed to have grown up and seemed to really have a lot to say (he knew that I would be returning to Kenya for six months in November).
He told me that he loved me, that he has not and will never find someone like me and that he needed to find a way to get me back. I reassured him, saying that he had in fact never lost me. he was so pleased that I would yet again forgive him and give him another chance.
He explained to me that he had moved provinces, that I could finally go live with him and we could start our lives.
He was so quick to talk about having a family together and really starting our future. I was skeptical, but so thrilled. I would see him before leaving for Kenya then return to Canada to go live with him, and start our life together.
It was incredible, it was a feeling of ecstasy. I was in amazement. He had grown up and wanted to be with me. It was so easy for me to once again drop everything and go right back to him ... after everything he had put me through.
Well, this is where the story gets even more messy.
He then begins to act sort of different and I know for sure there is something going on.
After ignoring me for a couple of days he finally confesses that during those two years of not speaking to me, he had gotten a woman pregnant. This was just a couple of months ago and that she was in fact carrying his child as we speak.
He explained to me no more than the fact that she was expecting this baby and that he had moved to a different province wanting nothing to do with the infant.
This is a huge indication of what sort of person he is who can just pick up and leave when a difficult situation arises. He told the woman he would not help raise the child and left.
The fact that he didn't tell me this before telling me how much he loved me and that we would be together again just blew my mind.
Had he told me he had gotten someone pregnant and that he and she would not be together but that he would still take part in the child's life, I would have been a lot more understanding. Well he didn't even discuss any of it with me he just said "I am sorry for hurting you, you deserve better".
Everyone makes mistakes and I am a very forgiving person and so I said to him we can work this out we can talk about this. But he made this assumption without conversing with me, that I deserve much better and that I should just carry on.
He has not spoken to me since then. It has been a few weeks now and he has not said a word to me besides "you deserve better"
Now, my question to you sweet Jane, is how do I get closure, how do I even begin to just put this all in the past? You see it seems easy and I know I have a bright future, I am headed to Kenya in two weeks for six months to go seriously improve some lives out there.
I have a lot of people who love and care for me. But the love I have for him is unimaginable, I don't know how to see past this. I don't know how I can put him in the past and leave him there.
Please help me!
I just want closure, I want to know that it is the end and that I will not continue to look back. I have called him several times in the past couple of weeks and he refuses to talk to me. I know he also is going through a lot but he is just leaving me hanging...like he has from the beginning. It is almost like I am his safety net, he is afraid to lose me it seems...
I just want to be able to love again, to smile and feel as though I can put him in the past and look forward to a brighter day.
I just would love advice because I love him so much, my heart overflows with love for him, and he just leaves me hanging.
xoxo
- Beauty
Oh the capacity we have to overlook and override the reality that doesn't fit with the stories we tell ourselves when we become the heroine in our own tragic fairy tale, Beauty! You are such a beautiful soul; so passionate, so full of life, so full of wanting to help the innocent, to make a difference in the world in such a meaningful way.
The depth of your love comes through so clearly; you want to make a difference in this rare soul you've stumbled across. He seems so close, you sense in him such a similar longing in his soul, too, if he could only get there himself. And this is why there is such a passion shared between the two of you. He senses in you something he longs for too, and within him, you sense that same pull too. And yet that pull has everything to do with something I've spoken about before in my posts about the Spark.
Something about him triggers in you a response so out of proportion to what the logical version of yourself would see in him, in this potential you keep coming back to.
To forgive, to have grace for, to accept, and to gloss over such important clues that are telling you the true story and giving you every possible red flag and warning sign for you to see clearly what you would be getting yourself into were you to follow your heart so blindly and become further involved with this man.
And yet I understand, Beauty. All too well, I do!
It’s the rest of the picture that only someone like you can see, only those of us who've played the part of the tragic heroine in the epic fairy tale that had the ending completely written except we forget that we can’t be the only ones writing it.
And yet here he is, committing the worst of possible things that a man can do to show you how not on the same page he is with you. He dumps you, he lies to you, he stands you up, he disappears on you, he refuses to answer you – the list goes on and on.
This is where your focus must be.
On what he shows you about himself. On what he does, not what he promises or what he causes you to feel in your giving heart when you look at him as the picture of true potential. This is all about you, Beauty, not him. This is all about what you’ve created in your mind, not about what’s really there with him.
Recognizing that this is all about you. That there’s nothing loving about it on his end, and only unrequited love on yours. Why else do we struggle so much to let go? It’s because we don’t really want to. We don’t want to have to.
There’s a part of us that wants to hang on, that wants to keep seeing where the story goes, that wants to keep dropping in to find out what’s next. We’re waiting for that happy fairy tale ending!
You have such a full beautiful life in service to others which is the very best way to make you feel fulfilled. You have family and friends who love you, and adventure and opportunity all around you.
And yet, it is not enough.
Would anyone else do? We can set such high standards for ourselves, or allow others to set them for us, that no mere man can fit the bill. So we look for someone who seems almost out of this world to our own minds, who comes and goes, and disappears only to come running back like you are indeed his “savior” time and time again.
Even the amount of time that he has exhibited this type of pattern with you is confirmation that he is something of a lost soul that somehow needs your love to save him, and yet it is this very fantasy that we buy into that gives him so much power in your own mind.
And while your friends and family and anyone else you tell this story to will undoubtedly tell you to let him go and move on and never contact him again or allow him to contact you, when you are as enmeshed as you are with the fantasy of what could be if only he could see it too, the only way out is through seeing him clearly through your own eyes.
What can he really offer you?
You are an advocate for children. He wants nothing to do with his own child and thinks nothing of impregnating another woman and leaving her to have this child and raise his own flesh and blood alone. Who does that? A loving man? A kind man? Someone you could ever be truly happy with in the long term?
And so, to move on, you have to see for yourself who he truly is.
Write down everything he’s done to show you his true colors since you’ve known him. Write down everything he can’t offer you. Write down so you can see it so clearly on paper how easily he can disappear and ignore you, then tell you a story that will admit him back into your life.
And then don’t make this about trying not to contact him.
Reach out to him as many times as you need to so you can see firsthand for yourself what he is really made of. So you can see the reality and separate it from the fantasy that only you can see. Rarely can we get over someone like this without allowing ourselves to see as clearly as we can what they are truly made of.
Face it. Face the reality of what your life with him would be like so that you can feel the power of making your own choice here. That’s always a part of this too. The feeling of not being in control, of not being able to have someone when we are offering so much and expecting so little in return, can trigger us to keep holding on to an even greater degree.
Only you know why you allow him to have such a hold over you, Beauty.
But it could be he holds the illusion of a love that you don’t have to commit to yourself. It may be that the idea of being with him allows you to try to rescue him - just like the children you are so passionately helping - that he falls into that category as well.
When we give and love and care so deeply, when we’re willing to forgive and overlook the most blatantly “wrong” of behaviors, this tells us so much more about ourselves than we can ever know. Let yourself see who you are, and what you deserve. Let yourself imagine what life with him would be. Because when you've seen enough, you’ll know.
Take back your power, Beauty.
He can’t leave you hanging if you don’t allow him to. Don’t doubt your own strength; with a word from you, he’s gone. It’s only in your own mind that you have to be sure this is what you truly want to have happen, and it will be.
You are just that powerful!
What do you think? Do you have any additional words of advice or encouragement for our dear friend Beauty? Share them with us in the comments!
As much as we talk about dating, and committing, and knowing how to tell if someone is right for you or not, there is one thing that underlies so many of all those conversations.
It’s about passion. It’s about love. And most of all, it’s about you.
It’s about what’s behind the creating of a life for yourself that gives you a reason to call this living your life. It’s about what’s behind what gives you something to get up and get going for every single morning instead of leaving you feeling like pulling the covers over your head and diving back under the covers until something – anything - gets better.
It’s the difference between seeing the glass half-empty, or the reality that it’s just as much half-full. It’s what gives you the strength to carry on – because you know you’re worth it – instead of giving into that relentless little voice that says you’re not.
You see, the missing piece for so many of us is having a real life for ourselves that gives us something to live for when it matters most.
We’re the only ones who can change this for ourselves. We have to want to enough to do something about it. We have to choose to live, to refuse to be a victim, to refuse to blame anyone else, to refuse to accept the path we've previously chosen as the only way to live.
Where is he? We wonder.
We've done our work, we say.
We've learned more than enough lessons and we’re finally starting to see the role we play in these relationships that aren't the ones we belong on and we’re learning to stop holding on so tight.
But when will he come along? You wonder.
Where is he? You come right out and ask.
You've kept your end of the bargain, is what you’re really saying, with the universe, with God, with whoever it is you’re bargaining with; now where’s your reward?
And there you are. Alone. And it hurts.
It doesn't seem fair. So much work, so many lessons, when is it going to be my turn? is the silent question never far from your lips.
Just move on. Let go.
“I've done that”, you say. But is it possible that, like me, not too long ago, you were expecting to move on to someone else and not to more of you, alone, like before? And is it this new expectation that’s bringing with it a whole other belief system with its own set of “shoulds” and assumptions and new stories that are simply replacing the old?
We think we move on to a who.
All too often we wait for someone better to come along before we take that leap. But it’s actually the reverse that’s true. You move on for yourself. You move on to a what before there becomes a who.
The what that you move on to is a life that’s waiting to be lived. Your life.
You move on to your dreams, your goals, your passions. You move on to your hobbies, your causes, your impossibles that become possibles. You move on to the amazing life you create for yourself!
I used to fight it. I’d stay in that bad relationship until something better came along so that I wouldn't have to be alone, so it would be easier to give up what little I was getting that seemed like so much at the time.
But it never quite worked that way. The ones who came along were all very much the same as the ones they replaced. Or they were the ones I should have been interested in, but they could never compare to my view of what I was giving up at the time.
The question of whether I was really better off alone would always set in.
I know you wonder that, too.
That it sometimes feels like you've been sold a bill of goods. That it wasn't supposed to be like this. That the right one was supposed to have come along by now.
And I know that you’re so tired of being alone. And going on that blind date. Or getting online “just in case”.
If I could spend a day with you, I could tell you exactly what your particular “it” is. We all have one.
It’s the reason behind the reason. It’s what you can’t see because you've been doing it for so long even though you believe you've been doing it different every time.
If you didn't have one, if there was no real reason except that you’re not enough, or there’s something wrong with you, it would be just that simple. But there is one, and you are. Enough and perfect just the way you are, for someone who’s truly right for you. But without this thing that’s holding you back and keeping you where you are.
Find that what that you need to move on to. Peel away those layers some more to see who you really are. To discover what it is you really want, and why it’s so hard to find just that.
I've heard so many women who say they've done it all and tried everything and they know that there’s nothing more they can do to find “him”.
They’re just unlucky, they falsely believe. And so they’re spending all their time and energy fulfilling their own self-fulfilling prophecies. And yet, when I see who they’re choosing, when I see who they’re not choosing, it’s clear there’s some disconnect between who their story tells them they want and who their heart of hearts desires.
Are you the damsel in distress?
Are you the princess waiting to be rescued?
Are you the strong, grounded, responsible one who only wants what you can’t have?
Are you the girl who was never allowed to play and so there he is, the player?
Are you the one who’s still trying to prove herself to someone who only exists in your mind?
Is it the fairy tale you’re stuck in, or is it someone else’s reality that he has to be so much more than what he is?
Who’s doing the choosing for you? Your mother, your father, your sibling, or some other “them” that hold you to a certain type?
What about a different type? What about someone completely different from all the ones before? Have you really tried them all?
Go there. Dig around. See what you find.
And while you’re there, check out your belief system. What do you really believe about love behind the ready answers you give so well?
And while we’re peeling away those well-rehearsed answers, what about those things that stir your soul? What about those fascinations, those passions, those things that won’t be silenced, but have been for so long?
What about all those things you love to do that others who share your values, your interests would also be doing in the places you’d be doing them, too?
What about those random moments in that coffee shop with other connoisseurs, those cozy chairs in the book stores with other book lovers, those times volunteering with animals, children or causes where other like-minded individuals find each other?
What about the whole new world that’s opened up with online-dating? Could all those real-life couples we all know who found themselves through this medium - and would never have come across each other otherwise - really all be wrong?
So much to explore when you see yourself and your world for what it is; opportunities to live, to create, to build, and to grow.
A life without fear, without making it into “finding him” and instead making it about finding ourselves.
Because remember, it’s not about trying so hard. It’s about two people on the same page who want the same thing and are drawn to each other in the living of two lives.
It’s a life. And it only takes one.
You.
What about you? Have you gotten caught up in the trap of constantly searching for your Mr. Right? Tell us about it in the comments! We've all been through it, and we're here to help.
Our beautiful reader, Kayla, is getting mixed signals from a guy, which has her wondering about his true intentions. Here's her story:
Hi Jane! I have a question. And it's kind of a long story so please bare with me haha.
I'm desperate for some advice. I met this guy about 7 months ago and we seemed to hit it off very well. He was (and still is) a perfect gentleman, and he always treated me great.
I'm 20 years old, and he is 25 years old so there is a few years difference between us.
After about 2-3 months, he came across a new job opportunity that was mostly long distance (but he would be home on the weekends). Things seemed to be OK because he still kept in contact with me and told me "he missed me" and "I wish you were here", etc.
After about a 2 weeks, an even better job opportunity came along and he decided to take it. This however would require him to move away.
Now that being said, he never defined us as being in a relationship. He said we were "friends who liked each other and were 'talking'". But he would tell me on multiple occasions that he cared for me and he would never let me pay for anything when he took me out to dinner or a movie.
When he told me about this job, I'll be honest, I was upset. For the first time I really felt like someone cared for me and now he was going away. So after he took this job decision, he left for the orientation. I didn't hear hardly anything from him for about 2 weeks. (Previously we would talk to each other for hours at a time daily.)
This was very difficult for me to accept because I felt like he hated me. After a while, he finally contacted me back. Long story short, he told me that "we should just be friends". And also, he told me that he could never come back to our church again because, as he quoted: "When I end things with a girl I can't talk to them. I can't be around them, or have any contact with them."
So he said he was going to find a different church to go to. I accepted this with heart break. Now I am a Christian and I battled with this for a while. I would send him a text every now and then telling him I was praying for him with a Bible verse attached (with no expected response).
He would sometimes respond to a text every now and then but with only a little conversation. I didn't text him for about 2 weeks. I had finally accepted the fact that if he wasn't the guy for me, then God would make it to where there would be no more communication from him.
His birthday rolled around and I felt obligated to at least tell him "happy birthday" since he spent $100 on me for my birthday. Surprisingly, he responded to the text with a "thank you!".
I didn't contact him for an entire week.
The next Friday, I was about to clock in at work when I noticed a text on my phone. I quickly looked and saw that it was him. My stomach started doing flips.
He said he was coming by the store to get some things. He came through my line at the register and we made small talk for a minute and then he left. So I thought that was the end of the conversation. About 10 minutes later I looked at my phone and saw where he texted me again. He sent me a smiley face.
So I was a bit confused by this action. What did he mean?
Well I didn't text him until a week later. He kept the conversation going and we talked that Friday and Saturday. Now I would always send him nothing but encouraging texts and tell him that I'm always here for him.
That Saturday he asked me "Why are you so nice to me?" I told him that I would never want to treat someone rudely or bad. He then responded with a sad face, but wouldn't tell me why he was so sad.
To my surprise, the next day, he showed up at church. He told me that he is striving to work on his relationship with God and he wants to study some devotions with me. He actually stated that he needed my help. And ever since then, he calls me every day, or texts me every day. And lately he's been calling me multiple times a day.
He will say things like "I hope I find someone before I go bald because no one will want me then" or how he wants a family some day and a house of his own. And when I went for a job interview, he called me to ask how things went.
He took me out to dinner recently and REFUSED to let me pay, He actually told me multiple times that I was not going to pay.
His dad has told me many times that his family didn't like the girls he previously "dated" and that he really wants me to marry his son.
Now all that being said, why would he be calling me multiple times a day, every day, if he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore?
Why would he want to take me out to dinner and not let me pay?
Why does he still call me pet names like "Sweetie", and "Hun"?
I know he was in a serious relationship years ago and he had his heart broken really bad, but that was about 8 years ago (when he was in high school). What does this all mean? I'm just really confused. Thank you in advance for all your help.
Sincerely,
Kayla
I’m not surprised you’re confused, Kayla; this guy is giving you some very mixed signals! It sounds like he’s confused himself and while he likes your company and enjoys being with you, he’s being very clear by his comments like "I hope I find someone before I go bald because no one will want me then" that he is keeping his options open and doesn't want you to assume he wants to be with you.
It doesn't mean a whole lot when he takes you out and doesn't let you pay; that’s more for him and his ego than for you, so try not to read too much into any of these little things. There are enough of his mixed signals around for you to protect your own beautiful heart instead of reading more into these little things than is actually there.
This sounds like someone who likes the way he feels when he’s around you, but it doesn't sound like someone who’s ready to be with you and can give you what you’re looking for right now.
My concern is that you’re holding onto so many of these things that are coloring your interpretation of where he’s at and what he’s thinking, rather than looking at the reality of what he’s telling you and believing him.
If you can simply enjoy what you have with him while keeping your own options open and not giving away your own power by putting him on a pedestal, that’s one thing. But if you can’t honestly do that without wanting more than he does, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment if he’s not on the same page as you.
My best advice, Kayla, is to resist the need to find out why he’s behaving the way he is and simply take it one day at a time. There are too many mixed signals to believe that he knows what he wants for himself. He needs to sort out his own issues for himself without you rescuing him or loving him enough to help him figure himself out. This is his own work apart from you.
So often we forget this, or we want to jump to the stage where we’re part of a couple taking care of each other, but until you know for sure you’re both on the same page and want the same thing with each other, don’t go there. He’s an adult. He doesn't need you to take care of him while he’s still trying to figure this all out.
You, on the other hand, have your whole life ahead of you! This is not the time to get hung up on what someone else does or doesn't do, but instead, focus on you! Put your time and energy into creating a beautiful life for yourself instead of worrying about what someone else does or doesn't do.
Follow your own dreams, get involved with the things you’re passionate about and find those things that stir your soul. Fill your own cup so full of life and love from so many places that what he – or any other guy – does or doesn't do, doesn't matter as much as what you do. Because if someone is truly right for you – meaning the two of you are on the same page and want the same thing and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen – you’ll never have to wonder; you’ll always know! It's never complicated.
Make a life for yourself just like he’s doing, and you won’t ever be tempted to put someone on a pedestal because you think they have so much more to offer you than you already have. You’re the prize, Kayla; make sure he’s worthy of you!
And always remember, YOU are doing the choosing!
Do you have any more advice or words of encouragement for our dear friend Kayla? Share them with us in the comments!
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