break up

Something to be Grateful For

You know all those songs about being grateful that you didn't get what you wanted (think: Beyonce, The Best Thing I Never Had)?

Well, there's a reason.

Because when this is all over, this "going through" process that you're trying so hard not to fight right now, you'll be writing your own version of this song.

This isn't just about a relationship, it's about your life.

It's about being able to trust what you didn't believe you could. It’s about seeing things for yourself in the only way we ever really learn those real lessons in life. By going through them firsthand.

Those are the lessons that we never forget.

I understand all too well just how hard it can be to believe that, and how tired we can be of hearing our well-meaning friends and family offer the empty promises with words like “it’s going to get better soon”.Continue Reading

I'm Heartbroken, but Not Over My Ex-Boyfriend

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One of our beautiful friends, Jessa, has recently gone through a break up after a six year relationship with her ex boyfriend. She now finds herself utterly heartbroken, but not over him.

Here's her story:

Dear Jane,

My name is Jessa and I have quite the complicated situation going on.

It's really tearing me apart and I'm not sure what the next step is.

I recently broke it off with someone I had been in a relationship with for almost 6 years. I actually feel good about the situation - it was a long time coming and even though he was a great guy I knew we were not right for each other.

My issue is - I am heartbroken, but not over him.

I never cheated on him, but I did emotionally fall for someone else. For the past two years I have had a serious crush and it happened to be on one of his old college buddies. I met this person, X, through my boyfriend. I started having feelings for him almost immediately, and tried to reign it in, coach myself out of it.

But the feelings only grew.

Then I moved across the country with my boyfriend and, while I still had feelings for this person, I didn't have any expectations because we no longer lived in the same area and I was obviously in a relationship, but I still thought about him a lot. Then, he moved back to the east coast and made plans with my boyfriends good friend, (also his friend) to come visit together.

When he came to visit, I told myself he would not seem interested, that I should not expect anything. However that was not the case. We had a strong connection and I can't really explain it. We had a lot in common and I just felt this gut feeling around him.

This was again proved true when we (my boyfriend and I) visited him a few months later where he lived. We all went out, but X and I were the ones talking. He would ask me questions about my life, play my favorite music whenever I was around and I just wanted to be around him.

After this trip I was devastated because of how real my feelings were for him. I was with my boyfriend and told myself this cannot EVER happen. I can't even believe this while I write, that I was visiting him with the boyfriend and feeling all of these things. Just makes me realize it was such a ridiculous situation.

To try to make this slightly shorter than the very long post it already is… about a year later (after I thought about X every day and certainly began to have expectations/hopes that we would have a chance to get to know each other...) - my boyfriend and I mutually broke it off.

It had gotten bad, not only because of my secret feelings for someone else, but because we did not work on a very fundamental level.

We didn't accept each other, adore each other, we both lost the interest to even try to make it work. We probably stayed together years longer than we should have just because we were both bad communicators and also understanding people at the same time.

It was a recipe for limbo.

So after this rather intense break up, I have to admit I had hope that maybe X would come around. It was very black and white in my head and I thought - if he really has feelings for me, he will come around. But then I see online, 4 weeks after my break up, that X had started dating someone. And it was obvious it wasn't a brand new relationship.

I was absolutely heart broken.

A few weeks ago (now four months after the break up, and I hadn't reached out or talked to X at all in about a year), I texted him about a concert, hoping to open the lines for communication. He texted back and asked about the concert.. I said it was awesome or whatever.. but then that was it.

I have been looking at this text as my "answer".

That if he were interested, he would have at least continued the conversation. So this is very painful to come to terms with. Although I do also realize I did not reach out to him for over a year, I was always in a relationship and completely unavailable, and after we visited him and my feelings became so real, I still stayed with my boyfriend for another year.

And we don't live in the same city.

So I guess I do feel like I expected too much. I really go back and forth between these two ideas. The "if he's into you he will call" vs "no, no, its much more complicated than that and you were never an option, you were off limits".

So now all I have to work with is - he is dating someone and he is most likely no longer interested.

What do you think? Should I text one last time, sharing my real feelings, making it obvious that I don't want him to become a stranger? That I would love to stay in touch?

This would be to see if he reciprocates, and if he does not, I can move on. Or I can just move on now, as he is now in a relationship with someone, but then I would always wonder.

So - do you think it's possible he still has feelings for me?

Is he not reaching out because I am the ex girlfriend of his college friend? I realize that does not make me much of an option. But they are not very close and I tell myself, this kind of screwed up situation happens all the time. People get together all the time that "aren't supposed to". And if he really wanted to be with me, it wouldn't matter.

I'm just lost and in a lot of pain because I had real feelings for him, felt a connection and had hopes and expectations for the future. Even though it wasn't right and even though I do feel guilt about it.

I know I can't expect him to just whip around and be in my life with all of this complexity. Honestly a lot of people would be like "you've got to be kidding me" if we started dating.

So I guess it is not really in the cards for us?

I've obviously overanalyzed this to the maximum and am really ready to make a decision so I can quiet my head and move on for good. Either text him being honest about my feelings and get my answer, or move on now.

I feel like an outsiders perspective or opinion would be hugely helpful. Please let me know if you have any thoughts. And apologies for the longest question ever.

- Jessa

My Response:

So many unanswered questions, Jessa, and so many opportunities to over analyze and second guess yourself as to what might be and what could be.

And then you have the reality of what is.

You have no way of knowing for sure what he’s thinking and where he’s at unless you come right out and tell him where you’re at and what you’d like to know from him.

The bigger question is, are you ready for that? Are you OK putting that out there not knowing that his response may not be what you're hoping for?

You’re absolutely right that it comes down to two clear options: “Either text him being honest about my feelings and get my answer, or move on now.”

It’s the dilemma almost every single one of us has come face to face with at one time or another.

And yet, if you listen to your gut instincts, you most likely do know.

Because someone who's really interested will certainly be looking for signs of an opening like the one you provided by initiating contact with him, and however small and insignificant it might have seemed, it would have been something for him to notice if he was ready and looking for some indication.

But I also know that even if we’re 99% sure that we know the answer, it’s that tiny chance that we missed something, that he might be just waiting for one more thing from us, that can make wrecks out of even the most confident of us!

So, Jessa, I say to you what I finally learned to say to myself first and now to anyone else who is at that crossroads between becoming more vulnerable in their need to “just know”, and knowing enough to move on – you have to do what you need to do for you.

Can you handle the feeling of “rejection” from him if you get that kind of response? Can you not take it personally (because it never is!)? Or will that have more of a detrimental effect on you than this no man’s land you’re feeling stuck in now?

Above all else, this is about you, not him.

You have to do what brings you back to the centered place within yourself where you have a sense of peace and calm about what is, where you can move forward without regrets, without looking back and wondering "if only" or "what if?".

Do what you need to do to really live! To get on with your life!

To create a life that you’re happy with, that brings you joy and peace and calm and confidence in you. Get what you need to get from him if he’s willing to give it to you, but don’t base your sense of worth on what his response is, regardless of what it is.

You don’t need someone to validate you to tell you what you already know. Regardless of where you've been or what you've gone through – or the guilt you carry for all the past regrets you can come up with to shame yourself with – let it be enough.

There is no right or wrong answer. There is no right or wrong decision. There is only what is, and what that looks like is already there right this moment in his situation, in his status, in the page he’s on, in where he’s at. Saying or doing something to move in his direction only fills in the blank for you, or makes it more real by having it revealed in a way that you can understand right there in front of you.

But it won’t change what is already there or what isn't.

For me personally, I know that feeling of angst all too well, of being in limbo over someone who there was never any question of what his feelings weren't except in my own mind.

That’s where your power lies, within yourself.

But to get there, you have to do what you need to do to bring you to that place. And so, if you can’t move on without that missing piece from him, find out for yourself.

Don't do it for him. Don't do it for what could be. Do it for how it allows you to finally be free!

Love,

Jane

It’s quite a dilemma for many of us to risk putting ourselves out there versus the benefit of finally knowing for sure. What do you think Jessa should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with her in the comments!

He Went Out to Pick Something Up and He Completely Disappeared!

44 Comments

One of our loving, caring readers had been living with her boyfriend for several years when he suddenly disappeared on her.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane.

Where to start....

My ex boyfriend & I were together 3 years we live about an hour apart from each other & so he moved in with me after about 6 months that's when I started to see his real personality & things changed, yet still I loved him with every being in my body every part of me would do absolutely anything to stand by him right or wrong & just wanted to be with him.

I've since found out he has narcissistic personality disorder & so most of my love & emotions & feelings might of been or still be cause I have been brainwashed & sucked in to his web of lies.

So on valentines day this year (2014) he left & said he was going to pick something up from a friend near where his parents lived about an hour away & he would be back home that afternoon/evening and we would spend it together and make it special. It's the 18th of July & I've not seen spoken to him or heard from him, he has changed his number & I have since noticed that he took some important belongings with him when he left like it was planned.

I have been going insanely crazy distraught devastated and just constantly crying... how can he say he loves me to death & would do anything for me & just disappear & not talk to me.

I spent the first 3 days crying calling hospitals police checking traffic accidents, till finally his horrible mother answered her phone & said he was home but away from the house & he is busy she will get him to call me... Needless to say HE HASN'T!

Anyway by day 8 Saturday a week & 1 day later, I was on my ipad checking emails & forgot he had linked his new gmail address to my iPad I clicked to delete all the junk & trash emails so they weren't sitting on my iPad, I saw lots of live naughty singles chat sites & thought nothing just thought it was spam till my eye caught one of them saying hello new user here is your login, so I logged in & he is online chatting to naughty dirty singles that are all looking for one thing, meet up & have sex.

I checked & checked & checked before I was convinced it was him, the phone number was his the description was him & the birth date was him, so not only has he been physically and mentally abusing me but now after 9 days of unexplained silence he is cheating on me! He has convinced all his family & friends I am the crazy one who has lost the plot, & he puts on this cool calm collected fake front it infuriates me to the point of just finishing myself if it wasn't for hurting my mum & dad I would be not be here right now...

I've invested 3 years in & loved & trusted & cared I put up with domestic violence and abuse and defended him in court & all all so he can do all this to me, yet even with all the hurt I still just miss him like crazy and want him back or some kind of contact, I don't feel I can move on at all I'm just in bed when not at work I don't go out I don't talk to any one I don't socialize I'm just so broken I can't even pick myself up to start again... I'm depressed I don't leave the house I hate myself I don't want to love cause I feel so so worthless unloved. Rejected ugly disgusting fat neglected unwanted & weak.

I am lost with what to do next please help I love reading all the other readers emails I just don't think I can cope

Thank you,

- Lost Jennifer

My response:

You’re none of those words you’re using to describe yourself, Jennifer. You've just fallen into the trap that all too many of us fall into. You've forgotten who you are, what you have to offer, and you’re left in this place where this person has become everything to you and you've become nothing.

It’s a familiar place to so many of us.

None of this is about you. The words he says that contradict his actions show you who he really is and just what he isn't capable of giving you. The hardest part of an ending like this is that what you feel more than anything is the investment of your beautiful heart and soul. You’re left with such longing for the rest of the story. The one you believed in, the one you told yourself that you could eventually get to with him, as long as you hung on and held out the way you did.

It’s a beautiful thing this loving, giving, caring, soul of yours, Jennifer. But it’s not meant to be given to someone who gives you so little in return.

He can’t give you what you long for because he isn't capable of this. And no matter how much you want to believe in the fantasy of what could be if only he could see this the way you do, you can’t. You can’t make him change. You can’t make him come around and see what he’s missing in you.

You can’t make him want you.

You can't make him love you.

You can’t make him be with you.

And while you can’t see this for yourself right now while you’re still in the pain of what you’re going through, the truth is that you don’t really want him to.

You’re worth so much more than someone who you have to do this much work for, who isn't doing this much work for you. You’re worth so much more than someone who can treat you like this, who can disappear, who can leave you wondering if he’s dead or alive, who isn't capable of feeling anything but what he feels himself. This is all about him. It’s what he wants it to be.

And it was the only way for you to see what you really had, and what you didn't really have.

I know we fight it, we resist the greatest lessons we’re meant to learn. But you couldn't do this anymore. Living like this with someone like this. This giving of yourself to someone like this. This sacrificing your true self to tell yourself a convincing enough story to remain with someone like this. We can only do it for so long before something happens to wake us up to the reality of what’s really going on.

It’s your turn, Jennifer. There’s a reason you found him and he found you. There’s a reason you saw only what you wanted to see in him. There’s a reason he’s had such a hold on you. And that reason is what you’re being given a chance to take a glimpse into.

Who does he represent to you? Why him?

Because when we love someone like this, when we give so much of ourselves to someone like this to the detriment of ourselves, it’s never about real love, but always about something we’re trying to prove or show or find in someone else because we can’t find it in ourselves.

What is that? What does he do for you?

You start right now where you are. You take a tiny step forward. You venture just a little bit out of your comfort zone. You take a look at that beautiful woman in the mirror who has no idea of her worth, who has no idea of who she is, of what she brings to the table, of how much she deserves to be loved by someone capable of loving her for exactly who she is.

You can’t see her yet, but she’s there. She’s been waiting for you for such a long time. To notice her, to wrap your arms around her and whisper to her that everything’s going to be OK.

Because it is.

It’s her chance to be who she’s never been. It’s her chance to see what she’s never been able to see. It’s her chance to love and be loved in a way she’s never known love.

Feel everything you’re feeling. Accept your feelings. Let them come as they arrive and then let them go. When you fight them, you miss the healing that’s found in accepting where you are and what you’re feeling. You miss the chance to see that you’re so much more than these feelings alone. That you have a say. And that you don’t have to take on anyone else’s baggage anymore.

That’s what happens to us when we’re so down on ourselves like this. When you become your own harshest critic and dole out the most judgmental words that anyone else ever could. It’s because you’re taking on what isn't yours.

You’re free, Jennifer. Underneath the weight of all of these past 3 years and however many more years before then that you've been taking on the weight of all these men who couldn't give you what you needed and placed all the blame on you, there’s a beautiful soul crying out to be free. To have her life back.

Start there. Start by slowly creating the life for yourself that you never knew. Who are you? What do you like to do? Where do you want to go? What do you want to be? What stirs your soul? What are you passionate about? Go there. Surround yourself with the ones who love you and adore you and support you through this. Write what’s on your heart, write it all out with pen and paper so you can feel your words come to life. What do you want to say? What are you no longer going to be silent about?

It’s why we can’t keep doing this. It’s why it ends when we can’t see what it’s doing to us anymore. It’s why we’re given a second chance on our lives like this.

Don’t fight it. Feel it. You’re so much stronger that you realize and you will get through this too.

Love,

Jane

Moving On After a Breakup

51 Comments

A beautiful woman sits on a park bench thinking about moving on after a breakup Our dear friend K has never felt more conflicted, and is having trouble moving on after a breakup.

Her story:

Hi Jane,

I first stumbled across your blog a couple of months ago after I decided that I needed to have a heart to heart with my boyfriend. At the time, I was really struck by your gentle but steady way of giving advice - it's obvious that you've been where so many of us have been before, and where I am now.

I spoke to my boyfriend then about what I wanted in our relationship - feeling like I was being prioritized in his life at least some of the time, feeling appreciated and loved, needing to know that he cared about me enough to consider what I had to say about us.

All of these things had felt lacking at some point in the last few months of the relationship, and I told him then that if he couldn't do those things for me, we shouldn't be together, that maybe we just wanted different things in our relationships.

Initially, I thought that he really listened to what I had to say. He was more attentive, more loving, more present with me when we spent time together. Sometimes, it felt like the lovely beginning of our relationship all over again.

Fast forward two months, and he's decided to end it with me. He said he's never been so in love, and that he's not even sure that this is the right decision, but that he doesn't know if he is capable of being the kind of boyfriend I deserve.

Jane, I've read many of your articles, and on the one hand, I know that I should recognize that this is him telling me what he can and can't do and that I should be grateful for his honesty. I know I should use this information to move on.

But it's just so hard to let go!

I've never felt more conflicted about a breakup - I really thought that we could be in it for the long haul. The beginning of our relationship was wonderful, truly.

Although I know that I am using the beginning of the relationship as a kind of benchmark for how wonderful things could be with us - if only he would change, if only he would show up for me the way I want him to, if only he could see the potential that I see - I know that this optimism is only in my mind, not his.

I guess I don't know how to let go.

I love this man completely, even though he's sometimes treated me in a way I don't deserve. We weren't perfect together, but many of the memories I'll take with me are beautiful and full of love.

I want to believe he'll miss me in his life now that I've cut off contact but... part of me knows I'll probably never hear from him again, and that if I do, it may be like we're strangers again.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

- K

My response:

Dear K,

Thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad you’re finding a voice that resonates with you here.

And you're exactly right - I have been exactly where you are before and it’s why I understand so well not just the words, but the emotions of what we go through along the way.

It’s why I know there is nothing that keeps us holding on tighter to what if and if only than the strength of the fantasy of our hopes and dreams becoming a reality. Your words echo what so many of us have thought in our own similar situations: “if only he would change, if only he would show up for me the way I want him to, if only he could see the potential that I see - I know that this optimism is only in my mind, not his.”

What you've captured here is exactly that – this is about you.

It's not about him.

You did the talking. He did the listening. He heard what you wanted him to hear.

He did listen to what you say, he did try to be what you wanted him to be – what you wanted the two of you to be. But he found out what he was and wasn't capable of.

He did what he needed to do, based on what he knew he was capable of.

And you found out what you couldn't live with: more of the same.

And so the story of your relationship ended in the only way that it’s meant to: with two people realizing they aren't on the same page and cannot give the other what they really need. They say goodbye, they thank each other for the experience of loving and living and learning together, and they let go and move on to live their own lives and find someone who is on their respective pages. This is how it happens in the logical, practical reality of our minds.

And yet it’s never how it feels when you’re going through it.

Instead it’s about the feelings of a lack of worth and the loss of a dream. It’s about the fairy tale that somehow forgot the happy ending. It’s about the love story in our minds that came crashing down around us in the world of reality. It’s about how close we were to finally having someone to save us from ourselves and give us a reason to live.

Even when it doesn't go that deep, it goes deeper than the reality of true compatibility.

What to do with yourself, K, is to start by wrapping your arms around yourself and holding you through your tears.

You feel what you feel and experience the emotions you experience and no matter how logical an explanation anyone can give you, your feelings deserve to be acknowledged and validated. They need to be acknowledged and validated.

But there’s so much more to do.

You let go by holding on to you. Your life, the people in it that love and adore you, the places that feel like home. The activities that bring you joy. The things you’re passionate about that remind you of who you are and what you have to offer regardless of what someone else can or can’t give you.

Write him a letter, K.

This is for you, so you’re not going to send it, but what you're going to do is write out everything you want to say to him about what you feel in your heart and soul.

And then write one to yourself. Put down the words you want to say to yourself about what happened, about what you wanted to have happen, about why this hurts so much.

Give him back what is his. And take only what is yours. Those parts of you that wanted so much more that you left with him. They’re yours. They're not his.

Letting go is never easy. Moving on after a breakup is never easy.

It’s never easy to let go of what might have been but it’s the only way we get to catch a glimpse of all that is waiting for you today and tomorrow.

It's the only way, K. And you can do it. You can do this. Not for me or anyone else, but for you.

And remember, I’m with you all the way.

Love,

Jane

Surviving a Breakup

54 Comments

A beautiful woman is sad as she is surviving a breakup, and is laying her head on a pillow. Our beautiful reader, who has signed her name "Defeated", is desperately looking for advice on surviving a breakup. She has spent the last 5 and a half years with her boyfriend only to have him suddenly breakup with her and move to another city.