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The Relationships category contains posts regarding the stage after dating, in which you are generally in an exclusive monogamous relationship. The Relationships category includes posts on such topics as meeting the family, commitment, is he the right one for you?, etc.

The Dance of Letting Go

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We all want to know the secret to just letting go and not going back. But the reality is that there is no secret. A beautiful woman sits on the floor leaning on the couch with her boyfriend several feet away, in the middle of letting go.If you've found yourself struggling to let go of someone you know isn't right for you, who you know isn't on the same page as you, but it’s just so hard to give up on the dream you had for both of you and you still want to believe in the possibility of a miracle, well, you’re not alone. It's one of the most common questions I'm asked.

How do I let him go? How do I move on? How will I ever get on with my life? How do I finally break free of this hold he has on me? You get the idea.

We all want to know the secret to just letting go and not going back. But the reality is that there is no secret. Each of us comes to it in our own way. We finally come to the realization that what we've been doing isn't working. If that realization means we need to let go of someone that isn't right for us, then we also have our own individual way of letting go and moving on.

And for most of us it looks more like a dance of one step forward, two steps back then a cut and dry ending with no looking back.

We start out standing firm in our newly found resolve, feeling our fresh confidence, then find ourselves falling back, full of new fears and self-doubts that reel us back in again. We get a little stronger each time, repeating this back and forth pattern several times until eventually we come to a point where the clarity is finally there and we see what we have to do.

The exact process is different for everyone based on your own unique situation, but what’s most important is to be gentle with yourself and resist the urge to beat yourself up for taking the long way around. It took you a long time to get as involved as you have; it will take you a long time to get un-involved. And along the way, in this process, it helps to remember a few important things.

  • If it’s meant to be, it will be.
  • If he’s really worth it, you’ll find that out.
  • If he’s not, you’ll see that, too.
  • Sometimes you can still be friends, but most of the time, you can’t be.
  • Do you really want to still be friends? Or is this just a way to hold on to false hope and more of the same?
  • You can always change your mind; if he’s not able to accept a change of heart, this confirms what you already knew.
  • You will eventually be able to let go because at some point things will become crystal clear as you start to see things more objectively.
  • It doesn’t matter how long it takes to let go of someone and move on. Some people can do this in a moment, but for most of us hopeless romantic, optimistic believer types it can take weeks, months or even years.
  • The only reason to speed up this process is to get on with our lives; if we’re not there yet, it’s ok.
  • You absolutely need support to get through this!

I’m sure I’ve forgotten a point or two, so if you’re currently going through this or have already experienced this, please add your additional points in the comments. We all need to know we’re not alone!

Why a Friends with Benefits Relationship Never Works

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We forget that we can't separate our bodies from our hearts and souls like we believe we can. A beautiful woman is drinking beer with a guy in a friends with benefits relationship.
We think we can be just friends with benefits, but we're not wired that way.

He's everything you've been looking for in a man except for one important thing; he's not looking for a commitment. In fact, he's upfront and honest enough with you to let you know this right from the start. All he's looking for is a friend with benefits relationship. And so, like so many of us who think we can settle for this, we agree. We can do it. We're up for it. Because in the back of our minds, we secretly believe we can convince him to change his mind and make a commitment to us. But it rarely ever works out this way because we forget one important thing – we can't really do this.

We aren't wired for it

We think we can do this. He's so attractive; we're so attracted to him. We convince ourselves that we're not ready to settle down yet anyway. We fool ourselves into believing we can give our bodies away like this, reaping all the physical benefits – and yes, there are many – but we forget that we can't separate our bodies from our hearts and souls like we believe we can. We can say we can keep it physical, we can say that this is a perfect arrangement for us because we're so busy, we're so picky, we're so whatever, but at the end of the day, what we really are is so alone.Continue Reading

Is Your Relationship Moving Too Fast?

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Why did he pursue me like that if he didn’t really want to be with me? A man is romancing his woman with lavish gifts and flowers.
While flowers and romance can be wonderful, too much too soon is a red flag.

One of our readers wrote to me last week saying "I have a friend who recently met a man who is going absolutely overboard with professing his love (after 2 dates) and giving her gifts. She's, of course, eating it up while all I see are red flags."

This is one of the questions I’m typically asked after it’s all over (which is usually fairly quickly), but not when it’s still going on. The question is commonly phrased something along the lines of "Why did he come on so strong if he wasn't interested in a committed relationship with me? Why did he pursue me like that if he didn't really want to be with me?" But in this particular case the woman in question has a beautiful friend who is looking out for her, and is concerned about the situation while it's occurring.

I have to say that I agree with her concerns. While I'm sure there are some exceptions to the rule, the whirlwind love-at-first-site romance that turns into a lifelong love affair is, unfortunately, very rare. It's much more common that the intense burning flame quickly turns into a flame-out.

I've lived through it myself many times, and I've heard too many similar stories to count. How is it that he can treat us like such a princess, going almost overboard with flowers and gifts and romantic gestures, and then just disappear from our lives as soon as we’re completely smitten and ready to say I do?

There is a reason.

It’s because this is what he does best! This is what he’s all about. It’s the chase, the conquest, the prize – this is what it’s all about to him until he knows he's got you and suddenly he realizes on some level that this has become all too real and now it’s his turn to deliver on his promises and make a commitment. It’s at that point that everything starts changing. For reasons that have everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you, this is the MO of the guy who we have the hardest time understanding.

Because it doesn't make any sense. At least not to us.

You see, my beautiful friend, this guy knows all the moves, all the right things to say and do because he’s practiced this more than a few times. He may say he wants a relationship and a commitment, he may see he’s just never met the right woman before, he may say he wants exactly what you want, but the reality is, he hasn't figured out what he needs to do to make this happen, and his own insecurities give him no motivation to do anything different. He hasn't looked into what holds him back, what makes him not want to commit, what makes him fail to get past the incredible beginning of a new and exciting conquest. And he doesn't have to because we keep making it so easy for him to continue behaving like this with us!

It may help to know that your friend is not the only one who’s fallen for this type of man. Most of us loving, giving, caring, believing women have experienced him at one time or another. This type of surface relationship catches most of us off guard because it seems – he seems – too good to be true, but at the same time it feels so true. And we so want to believe it, believe in the fairytale.

And that should be our red flag.

Because the reality is, he doesn't even know who you are yet! He doesn't even know (yet) that you’re worth all this time and energy and expense this early in the relationship. And he certainly doesn't know if he's in love with you yet.

And just like you don’t even know him yet, or know if he’s worth giving any part of yourself too, yet, you need some time to spend getting to know him and who he really is, not getting caught up in all the surface things he’s doing or saying, no matter how flattering it is!

My advice.

My advice to your friend would be to make sure, through all of the abdominal butterflies and fireworks, to remember what it is she's really looking for: a real guy who’s looking for a real relationship with a real woman, like her.

She can enjoy the attention from Mr. Speedy while making sure that she keeps her head clear and her eyes and ears open to reality. She can also keep things at a more realistic pace on her own terms – If he's not happy with that and disappears, then she has her answer – he wasn't the real thing after all. And she found out sooner rather than later.

On the other hand, if turns out to be the real thing, and he's proven to her that he's in it for the same reasons she is, and that he values the same things she does, he wants the same kind of commitment that she wants, then things will just keep getting better and better. Until she knows that for sure, none of the words, gifts or romantic gestures matter.

I'll finish with a short story:

I was out with one of my girlfriends on the day I met my husband, and she met a guy the same day. By the time my husband and I had arranged to get together and he picked me up for our first date, they had been together 24/7 for about a week straight, and were already planning to move in together. She told me that she knew it was the real thing, it was just so intense, so passionate, so amazing.

A month or two later, just as we were starting to get serious, their relationship was over. Now, about twelve years later, my husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.

Some things just can't be rushed.

He May Never Be Ready To Commit To Me

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I get this fear that makes me nervous in my stomach that he may never be ready to commit to me. A beautiful woman is looking sad behind her boyfriend, wondering if he will ever be ready to commit to her.One of our dear readers, Carla, wrote to me about her fears that her boyfriend may never be ready to commit to her. I hear this from so many of you that I wanted to highlight it this week in a post. After reading, please offer any additional advice you may have in the comments.

Hi Jane,

I hope you can help me. I am a 25-year-old woman and I am currently in a relationship with a 23-year old man for the past 10 months. Prior to this, I had been in a relationship for 6 years with a man who I believed was the One until the passion slowly fizzled out between us. For 6 years, I was always certain that this guy loved me and wanted to marry me some day- he told me this. We always talked about our future together and made lots of plans together and we never really had any issues. Distance eventually got the better of us and the passion and romance died, so after months of trying to make things better between us, I broke up with him and a few months later found my current boyfriend.

My current boyfriend has never had a long term relationship- 10 months with me is the longest he has been with a girl. We are both very compatible- have lots of the same interests, like doing the same things, we are both very attracted to one another and both very communicative and honest. After 5 months of being together, I told him that I love him and he told me that he loves me also. I was thrilled as you can imagine. We both live about half an hour away from each other so we get to see each other at the weekends. We have both talked about our interest in going abroad to work/travel, but never mentioned about the possibility of going away together. We are both in the position to do this, so about 2 months ago I suggested to him that maybe if we did decide to go travelling in the future that we could go together. He dropped the "bomb" and told me that he's not sure if he's ready to take that step with me yet. He said that he has always wanted to go abroad with his friends or even on his own and it's something he intends to do to get out of his system. He said that he doesn't feel that he's "emotionally mature enough" to make that commitment to me just yet but some day he thinks he will be.

Honestly, I cried for days after this conversation, so much so that I became very bitter towards him but I also started to analyze every bit of effort that I've been making to make our relationship work. I realized that I was the one who was making all the plans for us to go places and surprising him with little things to show him I love him- yet I found that I wasn't really getting those things in return. Sure, he asks to meet up with me every week, but not once yet has he talked about going away for a few days or a week during the summer on holidays (when he knows that as a teacher I get 9 weeks off this summer so I would be flexible to go anywhere he wanted whenever he is able to).

I realize that it's mainly me operating this almost one-way system. I feel like the way I love him is different to the way he loves me. I feel like I depend on him a lot more than he depends on me. Don't get me wrong, I love doing things for myself and spending time by myself or with family and friends, but I feel like if we were to spend a whole 2 weeks apart that it wouldn't bother him as much as it would bother me. I would want to see him and I would miss him dearly during those 2 weeks but he wouldn't really react like that. For the past 10 months he has made me very happy but ever since he has told me that he cannot commit as much as I want him to commit, I just feel more and more like I'm on a completely different wave length to him.

We have had many arguments recently over this issue, where I have actually told him that I feel we both love each other in very different ways. I said: "I love you so much that I would do anything for you..I would go to the ends of the Earth for you. But you love me because you love hanging around with me and being with me and you love how we like the same things". I got no response to this. I'm starting to turn into a person that I don't want to be. I feel like I'm nagging him to spend more time with me almost, or trying to convince him to want to commit to me. He says that he sees me in his future but that right now he cannot give me what I want, the commitment that I want from him. We have had many conversations about this, and even though I wake up every day trying to start afresh and say "just enjoy the present with him and wait until he's ready", I get this fear that makes me nervous in my stomach that he may never be ready to commit to me. I show so much love for him, I try so hard to make him happy. I don't try to contact him too much by text or phone or I don't try to hog all his free time. He enjoys being with his friends and I admire that I never complain about the amount of time he spends with them.

I have really enjoyed our relationship right up until our conversation about commitment. It was a shock to me, I'm not sure why, but it feels like almost since then, I've become harder to deal with as a person and I cry a lot more than I ever used to. I want things to work between us because I always believed that what we had was great but I find recently that there are times when I find myself mulling over the fact that during my last relationship of 6 years, my ex never had commitment issues and we were always on the same page in terms of what we wanted and our feelings for one another. I would just like advice on this because I feel I'm at my wits end now and it's beginning to get me down a lot. I would really appreciate any advice you have to offer. Thank you.

My Response:

Dear Carla,

It sounds like you've figured out something that so few of us figure out on our own. That this relationship is about you making it easy for him to be with you, without him having to do very much at all in return. Oh how so many of us have fallen into this trap! So it looks like a wonderful amazing relationship, and yet, in reality, when we can look at it honestly like you have and see just how one-sided it is with you doing most of the initiating and him mostly just responding to you, it really isn't all that incredible after all! So of course this is such a disappointment to recognize this reality, when without this awareness, everything seemed easier, more natural, lighter, and more amazing.

But that wasn't reality. That was the picture that you were seeing through a lens that wasn't seeing the full picture. And whether because he truly isn't emotionally mature enough - which may well be the case since he is still so young at 23 - or something else entirely, it really doesn't matter. It just matters that this is where he's at and now you know and can decide what you want to do with this information before you give him any more of your beautiful self or waste any more of your time and energy on someone who may only break your heart down the road.

I hope you can see the strength you show in being able to see this for yourself, Carla; for that is no small thing. It takes courage to dig deep and honestly see what's going on. From here, it really is up to you where you want this to go. He's made it clear he sees doing things with his friends a priority and doesn't picture the two of you the same way you do. I'm not surprised if you love each other in different ways as well, and yet this isn't about any of these particulars as much as it is about you and what you want to do with all this. You deserve to be with someone who wants the same thing you do and is on the same page as you, but on the other hand, only you know what being with him is worth to you.

So this becomes about you, deciding for yourself what you want from him and a relationship with him if this is all he can give you right now. It is never your role to make anyone else happy, Carla, and I have a feeling that you haven't been given very much at all from him. So maybe it's time for you to look deeper there, and see what you are really getting out of this relationship. Why you're with him in the first place, what it is that you're really attracted to, and why you're willing to be with someone who gives you so little in return, when you're honest with yourself. The reasons we have for being with someone can provide so many clues to what's really going on, what you're really looking for and what areas you need to look deeper at within yourself.

It sounds like you're trying hard to get things back the way they were before you had this conversation about commitment with him, but I would question whether or not there was anything of substance really there for you to even to try to get back. Sometimes, it becomes about accepting what is, instead of what we so want it to be, and know that it could be if only he were different. But that's the point. You can't change him, he is who he is, and he's showing you that now. This is the reality right now. You, on the other hand, deserve someone who meets you where you are, who shares in that natural give and take that comes so easily when it's truly meant to be, and is just as concerned about making sure you're happy, as you are about him. It always takes two to make a relationship work, and when it's meant to be, it is. Simply because both people are on the same page, want the same thing, and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

You, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than that, as well.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Carla? Please share them with her in the comments!

Dying Inside

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I love him still so much and I'm so depressed and I don't know what to do. Please for the sake of God help me, I am dying inside. A beautiful middle-aged woman is crying with her face in her hand.Friends, we have one of our beautiful sisters who is literally begging for our help! You can read her question below (edited for readability), along with my personal response, but she is also asking for advice from our community. Please help her by giving her any advice that you can offer in the comments.

Her Letter…

I beg you all to help me. I have been in a relationship for 8 months with a married man who was supposed to be in divorce proceedings. He had a big problem, a sickness, in lying to me all the time. I moved in with him, as he's no longer living with his wife and child, then I discovered from his wife after calling her (I was suspicious so I got her contact info) that she is the one who wants the divorce and until now he didn't. We suspect he didn't want to pay her money rights which is quite a big figure and he can't afford it now. I discovered that he used to call her and go to their home for the sake of his kid no more, but when I asked him he said that he never calls or goes over there, and he just sees his kid at the club!! I confronted him after finding out the truth from her, he didn't utter a word and started saying that it was just for the sake of the kid and that he never planned to return to her at all. I took my stuff and left him and I pray to god never to bless him, I love him still so much and I'm so depressed and I don't know what to do. Please for the sake of God help me, I am dying.

Signed, Strawberry

My response…

Know that you made the right decision, Strawberry, and be so proud of yourself for standing up so strongly for yourself and what you deserve, even though you feel like you are dying inside right now. You deserve so much more than what this married man was giving you, and it's only in standing up for yourself and refusing to settle for this type of treatment of your beautiful self, that you will find the love that you truly deserve.

This is the hardest part; right when you make this decision to leave him. But you will get through this, you truly will, even if it seems so hard and sad right now. Focus on you, Strawberry, and the beautiful woman you truly are, with so much to offer someone who proves himself deserving of you. Someone who is available to you now, not in a loosely promised distant future. Someone who is honest with you that you can truly trust with your tender heart.

Take this time to do those things you never knew you could do, stretch yourself, take advantage of new opportunities and try some new activities that give you an opportunity to meet new people, both male and female, and do new things. Give yourself a fresh new look, update your wardrobe, or do whatever else that gives you a fresh outlook on life, and the confidence that you can do anything. There is so much more in store for you.

Surround yourself with support, from people who truly care for you, and that support your decision, and know that you also have my support and the support of everyone here. This will get easier, over time, so be gentle with yourself. We all make mistakes, we all learn, and we all get to the other side only from learning some things the hard way. You are so not alone, Strawberry, even if it feels so lonely right now.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Strawberry? Please share them with her in the comments!

How Do I Find The Strength To Walk Away

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When we settle for someone treating us like this, that we miss out on someone who would never treat us this way. A beautiful, tender woman looks out the window trying to find the strength to walk away. Here's a letter sent in by one of our tender readers who is desperately trying to find the strength to walk away from an all too common situation that she knows is unhealthy (the letter has been edited and name changed for anonymity):

Dear Jane,

I have been dating a man for the past few years. We started off as friends, and I knew he was still involved with a woman in another state. He pursued me relentlessly, calling, texting, and being in contact with me every day, consistently over the years. I started developing strong feelings for him, and started wanting more. I never questioned his feelings for me, since he showed it by his actions. I decided to ask him one day this was about two years into the relationship, how he felt about me, and he said he hadn't thought about it. That was hard for me, and it not only bothered me that he never thought about it, but I felt crushed.

I was in so deep already that I continued to see him, and decided to just go with the flow, but in the back of my mind and in my heart I wanted more from him. A couple months ago, he told me the woman he calls his girlfriend was coming to see him, and he would continue to call me, but it might not be as often. He asked me not to be mad, but at this point I felt devastated. It was then I decided that I could not live my life like this anymore. I felt so ashamed and like I was so insignificant.

I started to distance myself, but he kept calling and texting acting like everything was ok. I cut off contact totally for about a week, not answering his calls and texts and that made him mad. The woman left last month, and since then he has become cold and distant towards me. The texts and phone calls were limited to once a day, and a few days there were none. We continued to keep in touch, but the conversations changed to just surface chatter like how our days were, or just checking in.

I know this man is not available for me. After all this time, if he loved me he would want to define what I mean to him, but he says he can't. I am so hurt, and depressed, because things were so good between us, and now he is showing a side of him that I never saw before. The last straw was yesterday, when he said that I knew he had another woman in his life, and that our relationship was never defined. I took that very hard, because by his actions I thought at the least I was someone special.

I no longer want to be involved with him, and do not call or text him. He continues to initiate the calls telling me he is thinking of me, he misses me. I sometimes don't respond, which makes me feel bad, even though those feelings of guilt are lesser for me now. I know I deserve better and need to cut all ties with this man, but it is so hard for me to just walk away. I know this is not a good situation for me, but I can't confide to my friends what is going on, since I put him on a pedestal, and told them how wonderful he was and how he treated me like a princess, he showered me with attention, bought me roses, the whole works, but still can't open up about how he feels about me. I am embarrassed that I went along with him knowing he had a girlfriend and that is why I can't discuss this with my friends. I need the inner strength to walk away. Help!!

My Response:

Dear Susan,

If you haven't already read my post on letting go of this shame and beating yourself up like this, please read it. You are being so hard on yourself, Susan, and you don't deserve any of this judgment from either yourself or anyone else. None of it.

This isn't about what anyone else thinks, or how you could have settled for being with someone who had someone else in his life besides you. This is about you, my beautiful friend. You can do this. You are that strong. You have the strength to walk away and say to yourself  "I deserve so much better than this!" and mean it. Because you do. The irony is always that it's when we settle for someone treating us like this, that we miss out on someone who would never treat us this way because we waste so much of our time and energy and ourselves on this person who simply isn't capable of giving us anything more. But it's never too late to change this, Susan. And you can make that change right now. By refusing to settle for this man and anyone else who could be with anyone else while he's with you. By standing up for yourself and setting a boundary on what you will and won't do in the name of love. Words are so easy to say; so many men have no problem letting loving words bounce off their lips while their behavior is anything but loving.

Know that you can do this, Susan; that there's no shame in what we learn not to do in the name of love when we're in it. It's how we grow, how we learn, even if we're afraid to admit it. You're not alone, there's so many of us who have been there and done things we're not proud of because it was where we were at the time. You're still everything you are, with so much to offer someone who proves himself worthy of you, my beautiful friend. And one day, you, too, will look back on all of this as a learning experience that taught you to believe in yourself in spite of what any he says or does.

You deserve everything love and life have to offer you, Susan; it's up to you to accept it!

What do you think? Any other words of advice or encouragement for our sister reader? Tell us in the comments!

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