Getting to TRUE Love

Finding your YOU that leads to TWO

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Finding Love

The posts in the Finding Love category relate to bringing love into your life, whether you are currently single, dating, or in a relationship. This category includes topics such as finding yourself, knowing what you want, living your life, etc.

You’re Already Her!

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A beautiful woman is stretching her arms over her head smiling knowing that she is already has confidence and is the confident woman she has always wanted to be.No, that’s not a typo. It’s not a place we’re talking about, it’s a person.

You.

You know all those things we keep aspiring to be? All those places we keep aspiring to get to in our level of awareness? All those parts of ourselves we’re working on and trying so hard to overcome? All those things we’re constantly beating ourselves up about and trying to do differently?

That perfect version of ourselves that we're struggling to become.

What if you were already her? We do such damage to ourselves when we’re so hard on ourselves, berating ourselves for all the things we should have done differently, should have known better, should have seen coming, if only we were already there! But what if you were?

What if you already have everything you need to know within yourself, what if within you was everything you needed to be that beautiful, confident woman you want to be? To be that beacon radiating out your beautiful essence of who you truly are. What if all that was missing was simply for you to realize this to fill in that one missing piece?

You!

You see, I received a letter recently from one of our readers who was telling me of a trip she’s taking to a place where I had lived for a while. The memory of this place came crashing back to me, and along with it came the memory that the entire time I lived there it was for one reason and one reason only: to try to convince someone of my worth and why he should choose me.

For almost three long years that was my one and only purpose in life until I finally realized I couldn't make him love me the way I dreamed our future could be if only he would realize it, too.

The experience left my self-esteem and self-confidence in tatters. The memory got me thinking about what I would have done so differently  now if only I had realized all that I've learned -and lived- since then.

I now know that I had it all within me even back then, I just hadn't realized it.

And that’s why I’m here to remind you of what you might not realize either.

Be that woman.

Be the woman who’s so confident, who’s so sure of herself and her power. What’s keeping you from seeing that? What’s keeping you from believing that? What’s holding you back from living like her? What’s stopping you from giving yourself permission to be her? Who are you allowing to hold this kind of power over you? Who are you letting define you and limit who you can be and what you can do?

You’re her, my beautiful friend. She’s already there.

Release her; release the you that you know is in there, and go out and create that beautiful life that’s just waiting for you to embrace it. It’s full of all the love in the world that’s ever been there for you, but it only begins when you tap into that overflowing cup of self-love for your true, beautiful self.

You can do this. You know you are this. You might not recognize her when you first catch a glimpse of her when she steps out like this, but trust me, you know her already.

She’s YOU!

Follow Your Heart...But Use Your Head!

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A balance beam with the head on one side and the heart on the other depicting that you need to follow your heart, but use your head.I tend to live in the heart. On the emotional side of life.

Like so many of us, I feel so much. I experience so much on that emotional level, and I love to connect with so many people, to connect with their energy and with what they’re going through. It took me a long time to accept this as my own reality, and with that acceptance came the clarity that allowed me to start seeing the truth instead of the lies that I was mistakenly believing as the truth.

I started to recognize when living this way was serving my life and when it wasn't. And when it wasn't serving my life, once I could recognize that, I was able to make small changes to get myself back on track.

You see, my beautiful friend, while I’m the first to say to follow your heart, love with abandon, follow your dream, I also know that for those of us who only know how to do that, and wind up getting burned in the process time and time again, there’s a little piece I’m adding just for you.

Bring your head along, too!

Because there’s a balance here. Keep your beautiful, soft, open heart. Keep that beautiful emotional side of you. But bring the practical side that your head holds too.

Why?

So when he doesn't call or text or skype, you don’t take it personally; you see it for what it is.

Not a reflection of you, not a rejection of you; in fact nothing personal at all about you!  But about him and where he’s at.

While your heart is wondering what you did wrong, your head gently reminds you that you don’t want someone who doesn't want to call you.

So when he tells you he doesn't want a commitment, you can make a decision that’s based on reality, not fantasy.

While the part of you that lives in the heart wants to believe so much in the potential of what you think he could be, your head reminds you to believe what he's saying the first time.

We can hang on for longer than most living on those little crumbs of what if? And we can see what we want to see even though we’re the only one seeing it. But in the process, we only hurt ourselves and bring ourselves down to a level that’s never where we belong.  Your head will remind you to see it for what it really is - two people on two different pages. That's all it is - it's nothing personal.

So when he disappears, you don’t go searching for him.

Your heart wonders what you did to drive him away, and wonders what you can do to get him back and get back to the way things were. Your head quietly points out that he's actually been gone for a while, and that it really wasn't as good as you remember it being.

Do you see what’s going on, my beautiful friend?

You need both.

That beautiful open-hearted emotional side of you that believes and connects and feels and loves with abandon. And you need at least a little of that practical, logical side of you that provides the reality check that says “you don’t really know him well enough yet” or “it might feel like great chemistry, but you’re just not compatible” or “ this isn't about you; it’s about him”.

You know, all the stuff our soft hearts used to learn the hard way.

It's Time to Stop Being a Victim of Love

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A beautiful woman looks down at the target on her chest feeling like she is a victim of love and knows that she needs to stop being a victim of love.Somewhere along the way, in between all those times you thought it was the real thing, where you believed that love could conquer all, where you gave away your beautiful heart and soul to someone who you believed would eventually come around and make a commitment to you, you've come to believe that there’s only one possible explanation for your fate: you’re a victim.

I know it seems so much easier. Blaming your fate on everything else, telling yourself your sad story over and over again. It can even seem romantic in a strange sort of way.

Waiting to be rescued and believing in that fairy tale can keep you living like this for a long, long time. It can keep you from living at all for a long, long time.

And while this might seem like an accurate assessment, and you hold onto it even tighter whenever someone starts to question it, what happens when you believe something like this, my beautiful friend, is that you do yourself an even greater injustice.

You are closing yourself in.

You sentence yourself to this story and you put yourself in a very closed box.

This isn't your story. This isn't your fate.

You’re no damsel in distress, my beautiful friend. You’re not a tragic heroine in an epic fairy tale. You’re not a lady in waiting.

It might make for a great romantic story and give you something to keep holding onto, but it’s not your story.

We forgot.

Somewhere along the way we got lost. We forgot that we are doing the choosing. We forgot that we don't need to prove anything to anyone. We forgot that we have a say. We forgot that we can set our own boundaries and our own terms for our relationships and we can refuse to settle for any treatment that doesn't honor and respect the beautiful women we are. We forgot these truths.

You’re not a victim.

You don’t need to be rescued. 

We've all, at one time or another, chosen men who we've believed in but turned out to be something different than we thought they were. We've all gotten caught up in the belief that love conquers all.  We've all wanted to believe that it does. It might seem so much easier to give our power away like this, to put this all on something else so that we don’t have to take the blame. But in the process of doing this, something else happens.

We take away our ability to change it.

You see, my beautiful friend, what happens when you believe this, when you believe that you're a victim, when you put it on all bad luck, or a curse, or fate, or whatever other story you've been telling yourself for so long, you also deprive yourself of the choice you have to take your power back and create a life of your own choosing.

I know it’s hard not to defend your right to keep thinking like this. Of why you know this is true and that no one understands this. Of why your situation is different. And that’s OK if that’s where you’re at right now. It’s enough to simply entertain this thought, to hear an idea like this that might give you something to think about today or another day.

Because when you catch a glimpse of what your life could be like, when you sense that slight glimmer of hope that there might be a different way, this thought - this little nudge - will always still be right here waiting for you.

No matter who you are, what your past has been like, what kind of situation you are in right now, you can choose what you are going to do next. You can choose your own path forward. You can choose to change your circumstances, starting right now.

You are doing the choosing.

Change Your Mindset, Change Your Love Life

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A beautiful woman is laying in a field of grass smiling knowing that her mindset of confidence is making her more confident and improving her love life.You’re probably not even aware you’re doing it.

None of us do.

It happens so naturally, so subconsciously that it’s below our radar. And yet, it’s so ingrained in so many of us that we don’t even realize how detrimental it is to our beautiful selves and how much it affects our feelings of confidence and worth.

It doesn’t matter who it is we do this with, or what he has or doesn’t have; we’re the ones who feel the effects of this injustice.

It starts with the way he acts with us. It’s the way he maintains that distance with us that we put him on a pedestal simply because he knows he can choose and we feel like we can’t. He acts like he can take or leave us, and we only feel like we can be left. We all but forget that we’re the ones doing the choosing when all we can feel is the loneliness of our longing and the lack of anyone choosing us. It’s no wonder we give everyone else so much power and give ourselves away much too soon.

It’s because we don’t feel like equals.

When someone acts like they don’t really need anyone in their life, when they seem so confident in themselves and where they’re at we make them the superior ones and us the inferior.  Since we feel the opposite. We walk into that same room looking for someone, hoping someone will choose us, lacking the self-confidence to know that we are all the same.

But we don’t feel that way.

You see, it’s because we don’t want to be alone, because we want to be part of a relationship, because we feel like we need someone in our life to make our lives complete. It’s because of these that when we walk into a room, when we go anywhere where there are other people, we know this about ourselves.

We do this to ourselves all the time.

And it’s not just about men. It affects so many areas of our lives.

We do this with our friends and acquaintances who all seem to make their relationships seem so easy by the ease with which they handle their ups and downs.

We do this at school with our teachers and later at our colleges and universities with our professors.

We do this with our co-workers and our supervisors at work when we attribute them with knowing so much more than we do simply because they've earned a higher degree or have a higher position.

Realizing this, is it any wonder we find ourselves questioning ourselves and our ability to offer anything of value, lacking the confidence to see that we have value just by being our beautiful true selves?

We need to see ourselves correctly.

Equals, my beautiful friend. That’s my challenge for you today, beginning right now. It’s time to stop seeing everyone as having so much more than you, of knowing so much more than you, of being worthy of so much more than you. You don’t know their story, you don’t know what they really feel underneath that apparently confident outer facade they project.

But this isn't about them, it’s about you. And what you have to offer.

The next time you walk into a room, the next time you’re around anyone, anywhere, anytime, it’s time to remember who you are. It doesn't matter who they are, what they've done or haven’t done, how confident they may seem, or how much they may seem to have it all together in the ways you wish you did. This isn't about them. It’s not about anyone else but you.

Hold your head up high. Smile that beautiful smile of yours. Let that beautiful true light of you radiate so that the real you can be seen for all that you are. Feel that confidence of knowing you are comfortable in your own beautiful skin.

There is no one you need to prove anything to. There is no one you need to measure up to. There is no one more deserving of anything – especially not love! – than you.

You don’t need anybody or anything. You desire someone who’s worthy of you and you refuse to accept anything less than that.

Feel that difference!

And walk on in. Or walk on by. And in that process take every single one of those people down from that pedestal you've placed them on.

Equals, my beautiful friend; that’s what you are with each and every one of them. No matter who they are, no matter what they've done, no matter what they can do that you don’t yet believe you can.

Always remember - you’re the prize!

Our Culture of Hoping to be Chosen

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A beautiful blonde woman stands with her hands up and fingers crossed smiling and hoping to be chosen.Remember back in High School in Phys Ed class where you would stand in line while two of the most popular girls – the captains -  picked who would be on their teams?

Pick me, pick me – most of us called out, silently if not out loud.

And then one by one every girl would be picked until the very end when they would divvy up the best of the worst and begrudgingly allow them to be on their teams.

Sound familiar?

If you were like I was then you were one of the last picked, one of the ones who no one really wanted, but at the end would finally be allowed on.

And even if you weren't the last to be picked, you knew that you never wanted to be and always made sure you were good enough to ensure yourself a spot among those who were picked early on or at least somewhere in the un-noticeable middle area. Either way, the culture of hoping to be chosen all too early on became a huge part of all our reality, even if we didn't call it that.

Not much has changed.

We may not be in high school anymore, but the concept and the culture is still very much the same. Pick me, pick me, we say – usually it’s our silent cry now, but it’s still very much a part of our psyche.

And so it’s no wonder with this memory still fresh in the back of our minds, we still believe we have to be chosen by someone outside of ourselves to be truly accepted in this life.

And that’s why this matters so much.

That’s why we try so hard as if our very life depended on it; because for most of us, it really feels like it does.

And that’s why we take it so personally – because back then, as insecure children, it was that personal. Our classmates were our peers and they were our world for the greater part of our waking hours every single day.

So what they thought of us, and how they treated us, were everything to our growing sense of self-esteem and self-worth.  We didn't have the maturity or confidence to know that what they said or did or thought of us didn't matter – that in reality they weren't any better than us even though it felt that way because what we were in was a popularity contest.

We didn't know then that there was a life outside of that culture because that was all we knew and it was all we had.

So it’s of little wonder we've transferred this same culture to our work, to our social life and most of all to ourselves. It’s never left us – it’s such an ingrained part of every single one of us.

Until we can see it for what it really is - a part of our culture and not a part of ourselves unless we choose to make it this way.

We may not have been able to choose a different way or to separate ourselves from the culture when we were children or before we knew any better. But once we know, we are the ones who can take back our own power by deciding whether this is still working for us.  We can decide if this type of mindset serves our beautiful selves well, and we can choose what we want to do with it, regardless of how ingrained it is.

This isn't high school anymore.

You’re the one doing the choosing here, Beautiful. You’re the one who decides whether or not he’s worth your beautiful you based on the reality of who he is and what he has to offer you and not on some potential that only you can see.

Your worth isn't dependent on whether or not someone chooses to be with you or not. You’re the one who’s in control of your own life, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

We change the old mindset when we expose the old lies that have us believing that we’re only something if someone is choosing us by remembering this …

A woman who knows her own worth doesn't need to chase after anyone.

A woman who knows her value doesn't need to make anyone want to be with her.

A woman who knows all that she has to offer won’t buy into anyone else’s lie that she’s not something without someone else.

A woman who understands that she’s the one doing the choosing never has to convince someone of all the reasons he would want to be with her.

And she knows all this to be true.

We might not be able to change our culture, but we can change ourselves and how much we allow our culture to be a part of our lives.

You always were, and continue to be, far more powerful than you even know!

It's A Balance

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A beautiful young woman is looking up, thinking about how her love life is a balance and a journey.There are days when it feels like nothing happens quickly enough.

These are the days when my patience gives into impatience and I find myself struggling with the fact that something is taking so much longer than I’d like instead of surrendering to the gentle flow of what is and allowing things to progress at the pace that is meant to be.

And I’m reminded of how similar a feeling this is to when I was single, when one of the biggest questions I had for the universe, for God – and for anyone who I thought knew more than I did on the subject – was how much am I supposed to do and how much was I supposed to let happen?

Because the problem was that it always seemed to be taking far too long when I let go and relinquished control, but when I stepped in and tried to make it happen I only seemed to mess everything up. There was the dilemma.

Fortunately, I’ve learned a thing or two since then. I've learned that it’s a balance.

It's a dance, if you will, of moving forward, of doing what each of us feels inspired to do, of doing what we need to do, of doing what life seems to ask of us to do by what it brings us. And then balancing that with who we are at our core. With our inherent gifts and passions, and abilities, and our dreams and our goals.

Doing what makes us happy, what makes the world a better place, what makes us live with ourselves in a beautiful state of peace and calm. At least that’s what we strive for.

It’s never perfect. It’s never quite the way we plan, and it’s never quite as easy as it sounds.

But it’s in that balance that we make a life for ourselves; a beautiful imperfect journey that never quite seems to move fast enough or have all the pieces we’d like it to have.

And sometimes there’s so many never-ending questions and so many decisions to be made that seem to have such consequential effects. And before we know it, we can become so bogged down in what isn’t and what we still need to do and become, that we forget to focus on the simplicity of where we are and all that we’ve already done.

So here you are, today, with so many questions, so many doubts, so many fears, hoping that something will come your way soon to change it all and make it all better and have it all make sense!

Find your balance, my beautiful friend.

Accept what is. Accept what isn’t. Work on changing what you want to make different. Work on accepting what you’re having such a hard time letting go of.

But most of all, remember the balance.

Is it really worth your peace of mind? Is he – or anyone else – really worth the effect he’s having on you? Is this really worth your beautiful you?

Just as I have to accept the reality that I can’t physically be there for each and every one of you to spend a day with you to walk with you in your shoes to be that cheerleader that I’d love to be so you could see yourself the way I do. So too do you have to accept your reality that where you are right now is where you are. But it doesn’t have to be done with such urgency.  It's a journey.

Nothing has to be done with such impatience, such fear, such doubt, such self-loathing and longing for anything but the way things are now. One step at a time, one glimmer of light at a time, one a-ha moment at a time.

Let the universe or God or whatever you believe in light that way for you in answer to your hopes and dreams and prayers that you put out there.

But let your feet take you there as well.

A dance of both, coming together in their own beautiful time until somewhere along the way, you discover the same truth I discovered so many years ago.

There are so many different paths to the same place.

Yes, I could have gotten there sooner. Yes, it could have happened differently. And yes, it was so hard to wait for.

But somehow, in that dance, something else happens that's more than just an outcome. It’s the growing of yourself and that beautiful woman you are that it’s not just about an outcome but about a self-discovery of who you really are and how worthy you really are that is every bit as essential to this process as is the culmination of the love that you've been longing for.

It’s life-changing, my beautiful friend, and worth every single moment of the journey, no matter how long it seems to be taking, no matter how impatient we can be.

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