Dating

The posts in the dating category relate to the early stages of a relationship, before the two of you are exclusive. The dating category includes topics such as where to find men, how do I find Mr. Right?, first dates, should you call him, etc.

Be Picky

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As in: refuse to settle for anything less than what you really want, and truly deserve.

So here we are - we’ve figured out who we really are, we’re confident, healthy, and we know exactly what we’re looking for. Now we’re ready to move on to what that looks like in real life – your real life. We have our clear definition of Mr. Right – we can picture him. Not necessarily what he looks like physically, but his qualities – he’s caring, kind, gentle, romantic – he has all of those traits that we just listed out earlier in Step #7.

So what now?

What do we do when that good looking guy that makes a lot of money asks us out and takes us to that romantic restaurant and starts sweeping us off our feet?

Well, this is where it gets tough – you have to ask yourself: does he match what I decided I was really looking for? You can’t let yourself be blinded by the excitement of being pursued – stick to your guns and remember what you want. If you decided kids are definitely in your future, you have to ask yourself - is he going to be the good father that you’re looking for when he’s working 80 hour weeks to make all that money?

You're right - probably not.

And you definitely don’t want to go into it thinking he’ll change – odds are very much against that. It’s much more likely that there will be a lot of stress in the relationship down the road, which is why so many end in divorce.

And what if you’re currently in a relationship? Well, then you need to take a hard look at that relationship and see if it fits your new criteria. Typically, if you’re reading this book, the answer is that it doesn’t, and it’s time to move on. But sometimes, after finding ourselves and getting a little space to have our own life and realize what we really want in life, we’re able to look at things through new eyes and see that, well, maybe this is right for me.

And there’s an important point here I want to make because it’s just that important. What you’re looking for may be right there in front of you. It might be your current boyfriend, a (currently) platonic friend, or someone else you see every day but haven’t really noticed like that before. Sometimes once we really look inside ourselves and realize what’s really important to us that sweet but slightly awkward guy starts to look a little more…well, attractive. Even cute. And once you open your eyes and mind a bit more, and realize how well he’s treating you, and wow – he does have all the qualities I’m looking for - he even becomes downright sexy. Believe me, it happens all the time.

On the other hand, if you’re feeling like you’re in a one-sided relationship, not being able to come right out and tell him how you’re feeling, what you’d like from him and where you’re at, there’s probably a good reason for it. But test it - give him a chance to respond to what you’re feeling is lacking in the relationship, and see if anything changes. Because by giving it - the relationship - and him a chance, you’ll find out pretty quickly if it’s what you’re looking for. Or if the two of you really aren’t right for each other.

The whole settling thing isn’t about selling yourself short; it’s about clearing our paths for the right guy, the real thing. It’s about coming to the full realization that as much as we want to experience love in our lives, as much as we don’t want to be alone, we’re not willing to take just anyone to fill that void we’re feeling.

And in that knowledge, we become stronger, more confident, more ready for the real love of our lives to come on over as we start to attract more of what we’re putting out there.

That we’re worth it. Deserving.

So worth that kind of love with that kind of guy. And when it’s real, you’ll know it. Next we'll take a look at what to do with some of those old insecurities that surface even when we are finally getting it right...

The Simple Truth About Playing Hard To Get

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A beautiful blond woman in a black sweater sits near a man on a park bench looking away slyly, not only playing hard to get, but being hard to get. We've all heard the advice at one time or another:

Play hard to get and he'll come around and finally make a commitment.

Back when I was single, I heard it too - a lot.

And while it made sense on one level – if he has to chase you he'll be more likely to want to – on another level, it seemed so fake, dishonest, even manipulative. It just felt like a misrepresentation of the real, authentic person I was working on becoming, both with myself and everyone else.

But since this advice is still among the most popular advice given in one form or another, I wanted to address it here.

What I've come to realize is that while playing hard to get is the last thing you should do if you are looking for a real, authentic, honest relationship (which we know you are), being hard to get is a whole other thing.

And that's exactly what you do want to be.

Genuinely. Honestly. Authentically. Irresistibly. Hard to get.

Because if you can just see yourself the way you really are, with all that you have to offer someone who is truly deserving of you, there would be no question that you aren't going to drop everything and suddenly become available to just any guy who happens to look good in a tight t-shirt.

Be Hard To Get

You know that you have every right to be picky about the right things, every right to make sure he measures up to your high standards before you even consider making a commitment to him.

You have every right to keep living your own life – keeping your options open – until he gives you a clear rock-solid reason to do otherwise.

You know that you deserve to be called with enough advance notice that shows you're more than just an afterthought when he's got nothing better to do. You continue to make your own plans and keep them even if it means saying "no" to him if he called too late.

You know that if he doesn't call (or text, email, etc.), it's not anything to blame yourself for. It just means it wasn't meant to be right now and he isn't the guy for you at this point in time.

You don't beat yourself up about it, because you know it's his loss.

You know that your happiness doesn't depend on him choosing you. You have already chosen yourself.

You know that your worth doesn't depend on him choosing you. You already know you have worth just because you're you!

You know that you have nothing to prove, nothing to lose, and nothing to live up to. This is simply about getting to know someone better to see if you are compatible, enjoy being with each other, share the same values and are looking for similar things in life.

You know that it takes two people on the same page who want the same thing to make a relationship work, and you would never blame yourself or take more than your share of responsibility for the relationship if it didn't work out the way you wanted it to.

You Are Priceless

Because you, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than someone who genuinely wants to get to know you better and treats you like the confident, beautiful, priceless woman that you truly are.

This isn't about making someone love you.

This isn't about being the perfect girlfriend or perfect potential wife, or whatever else you see yourself as being to this man that hasn't given you any reason to commit to him any more than he's committing to you.

This is about two people getting to know each other better on this adventure we call life. That's it.

Don't take it any more seriously than this. Enjoy, have fun, live in the moment, and most of all, remember that this is about you living your life and raising the bar on how you choose to be treated!

You truly are all that...and yes, you are hard to get!

The One Thing You Need to Bring to a Relationship

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Men want a woman who knows who she is and what she wants in life and is confident in herself and her abilities. They want a complete woman. A beautiful woman is being hugged from behind by her romantic partner. — He wants a woman who is complete in and of herself

I really do get it. “You complete me” is simply a tear-evoking, make-us-weak-at-the-knees statement we would all love to hear coming from our man. The very thought of him just needing us so much that he would be broken, a fraction of the man he is now if we weren’t in his life, just makes our hearts melt. But reality is far from what is portrayed in the movies, and the romance movie genre is one of the worst offenders.

Think about it:

Do you really want to be dating only part of a person? Someone who has not yet matured completely? Someone who is so needy of your attention and affection that they latch onto you and just won’t let go?

The word clinger comes to mind. When you think about it this way, it becomes obvious — of course you don’t want that kind of man.

Well, the truth is guys don’t want that either.

Men want a woman who knows who she is and what she wants in life and is confident in herself and her abilities. They want a complete woman.

“When you bring your complete self to the relationship, you’re able to recognize if you’re compatible.”

Being complete doesn’t mean you have to be perfect.

We all have our faults, but being complete means you understand these faults and know they are yours and yours alone.

They’re not caused by your partner and you are the only person that can change these traits.

Continue reading on DatingAdvice.com…

4 Dating Mistakes You're Probably Making Right Now

He Was Never Really There

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It's always hard to let go of a dream. The dream of all the potential the relationship showed, the dream of all that could have been. We tend to have such a selective memory when we finally let him go or he lets us go. Either way, it's the same.

We remember all the wonderful times, the great things, that amazing potential he showed. And we start questioning ourselves and why we couldn't just have been this or that. Why we couldn't have been more understanding of him (as if we weren't already all too understanding!)

We wonder why we couldn't be content with less.

And then we start wondering if we're worth it. We forget just how miserable we were far too much of the time. We forget how many of our own needs weren't being met. We forget all the waiting. We forget all the uncertainty. We forget all the times we felt like anything would have been better than what we were living. We start on that slippery slope that has us second-guessing ourselves and leaves us spending all too much of our time and energy fantasizing about how to get him back and how different things would be this time around – if only we can convince him to give us another chance.

Stop right there, my beautiful friend. It's time to see this through your strong adult eyes instead of through the eyes of that little girl who's been trying to get that love she wants so badly. It's time to ask yourself some questions to see what was really there.

Did he really care about what you wanted?
Did he want the same thing?
Did he say he wanted the same thing, but his actions showed otherwise?
Did you feel anxious when you were with him?
Did you feel like if you could just be content to go with the flow, it would have been turned out so much better?
Would he have been perfect if only he could commit?

We can be so understanding, so forgiving, and so willing to put someone else first without thinking about whether they even deserve that kind of response from us in the first place. Is he worth what you've been putting yourself through? Is he worth your beautiful you? We can get so caught up in whether he wants us, whether he loves us, whether he's going to commit to us, that we forget that this is so much more about us than him. It's not about what if, it's not about what could have been, it's not about if only, it's about what is.

And you, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than a real relationship based on reality; a reality of two people on the same page who want the same thing and are committed to making that happen regardless of any extenuating circumstances.

Because if you don't have that, what do you really have?

What to Do When He Suddenly Disappeared

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Almost all of us have been there before at least once in our lives. The perfect guy, the one you've been waiting your whole life for, suddenly disappears, never to be heard from again. No call, no text, not even a goodbye note. There you are, left all alone, wondering what happened, where’d he go, what went wrong, and, most importantly, what should you do now?

While some of us try desperately to get him back, others go back and forth second guessing everything and blaming ourselves for being the reason he disappeared. Most of us, at one time or another, have found ourselves so utterly devastated by the disintegration of what seemed so promising, so full of potential, that we are unsure of how to move on.

The good news is that there's a process for getting through this and getting back on track, to where you were before he disappeared.

Express it.

Whether you punch couch cushions or a punching bag, cry into your pillow until your tears are finally dried up, scream at the top of your lungs or pour out your heart to your best friend, the key is to let it all out. Let yourself really feel everything no matter how painful, say everything you want to say until you get to the tears and then let it all out. There is nothing as healing as those tears that finally come when we realize that underneath our anger and our rage at what happened is simply a hurt little girl who wasn't ready to give up on a dream. From there, true emotional healing can finally begin and life can begin anew.

Write it out.

Write a letter or email to him letting him know how much he hurt you and how much it hurt you that he disappeared. Don’t miss anything you want to say to him. Write out every detail, every feeling, every way you feel betrayed, misled and disappointed with the way he suddenly disappeared without a trace, without any explanation.

But don’t send it to him; this is for you, not him. It’s in putting it down on paper that you get it all out while it serves as a reminder of what it was really like with him when your memory can only conjure up all the wonderful things about him and the relationship and forgets all too easily the reality of what it was really like. Then when you no longer need this reminder, once you can see the reality of what was instead of the fairytale fantasy of what you wanted it to be, get rid of it.

Forgive him.

Yes, you read that right. You have to forgive him for the fact that he disappeared without so much as saying goodbye. Let go of the anger and the sadness realizing that he just wasn't there didn't know how to handle the situation any better. He wasn't on the same page as you and as much as he might have wanted to be, he didn't know what to do to get there and wasn't able to be honest and upfront with you when he realized this. This isn't about excusing him or lessening what you went through; this is about you recognizing that he is just as human as you and can make mistakes, too.

It doesn't absolve him of what he did or the responsibility for his actions, it’s simply about you making a decision to forgive him and let go of holding a grudge against him. It's about not letting that kind of negative energy permeate your relationships going forward. It’s this lack of forgiveness that all too often ends up with us having hardened hearts with jaded attitudes even when we move on from these past hurtful relationships. It’s when we truly can see him for the less than perfect guy that he really is that we can learn to forgive in a genuine way that allows us to forgive ourselves, too.

Realize it was a gift.

The bottom line is that he wasn't the one for you. You weren't meant to be together. And it really was a gift that you found out now, as painful as this realization can be, before you invested any more of your time and energy on someone who isn't there, isn't on the same page where he can give you what you’re looking for from him. It doesn't get any easier the longer you’re together; it only gets more painful. So know that you've been saved from so much more heartbreak down the road by finding this all out now.

Now you’re available for someone who is on your page.

You now have the time and energy to spend on someone who is right where you are, looking for the same thing you are with someone just like you. There is nothing that compares to this when you find it, and the surest way to finding it is in the process of letting go of the ones that aren't where you are, as painful as that can be to accept.

Above all, by looking at our relationship endings this way, we can begin to see that these things really do happen for a reason, and when it’s meant to be, it will be! And when it’s not, it’s a beautiful thing if we choose to see it that way; as it clears the way for the right one to arrive.

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Be Picky

The Simple Truth About Playing Hard To Get

Be Hard To Get

You Are Priceless

The One Thing You Need to Bring to a Relationship

Think about it:

Being complete doesn’t mean you have to be perfect.

4 Dating Mistakes You're Probably Making Right Now

He Was Never Really There

What to Do When He Suddenly Disappeared

Express it.

Write it out.

Forgive him.

Realize it was a gift.

Now you’re available for someone who is on your page.

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