Blindsided By This Breakup

Our letter today is from Ann, who's been blindsided by a breakup after 5 years together.

Here's her story...

Hi Jane,

My question is how do I move on after being blindsided by this breakup?

My ex and I had been together for 5 years. Looking back, there are probably some red flags that I overlooked.

When we first started dating, he was very hard to read. It took us a long time to actually determine what our relationship was, and part of this was due to the fact that when we first met, I was supposed to be moving away for grad school.

I brought up the topic of where our relationship was heading, and he said that he knew we needed to talk about it but he wasn't sure what to say because he had been in a long distance relationship in the past, and it didn't work. I had also been in one so I could understand where he was coming from.

We decided to table the conversation for a while so we could both think on it.

However, during that time, I was accepted into a school that allowed me to stay in the area. He knew this, but we still hadn't talked again about where our relationship was going. Eventually, I brought it up, and we decided we were going to give it a try.

I have always felt like we had a pretty good relationship. We got along really well, we were always laughing and having fun with each other, we had good conversations, and we spent a lot of time together. The problem was that he really didn't talk about his emotions so I never really knew where I stood with him.

The longer we were together, I would start having questions again about where our relationship was going, and it seemed like I was always the one initiating these conversations. But once I did, we always had a good conversation and seemed to be on the same page.

We met each other's families, got a dog, and moved in together.

About 3 years into our relationship, we decided to move across the country for his job. I was excited about this as I was about to graduate from grad school so I felt like it was great timing. I felt like we were really moving forward.

At this time, I once again brought up a hard conversations - because he was so guarded with his feelings, I felt like I was always dragging information out of him. I told him that I didn't want to move if he thought at all that things might not work out. He assured me that everything would be fine and that we were on the same page.

So for me, that was it. I was 100% in and committed to our relationship.

The move didn't go as planned for my career. Once we got there, it took me almost 6 months to find a job, which I never had imagined would happen. Even then, I couldn't find a job in my field so I had to take another job just to get some experience in the area. I had a hard time with this. I was worried about not working, about money, and it was stressful.

We went through a rough patch because I was having a hard time and was feeling down. It felt like we were disconnected in some ways. We talked through this and got to a place where we had a plan to make things better. After that, I really felt like we grew in our relationship through that difficulty.

The next summer, I found a job in my field - though I had to drive 1.5 hours one way. But I decided to take it because I needed the experience.

It ended up not being a great working environment for me. There was a lot of negativity and drama between my superiors and co-workers, and it was draining. I was having a really hard time in this job as I've never worked in an environment like this before, but I was trying to just make it through until I could find something different.

Around this time, we started talking about marriage.

However, once again, I'm the one that brought the topic up. He told me that he saw our future together. He said he saw us married and having children and that we would start having more conversations about it. However, there were times where I had questions because it seemed like "more conversations" weren't really happening.

He would bring it up sometimes by telling me that I would be busy planning a wedding soon and other little things, but when I asked about ring shopping - he said that he wanted it to be a surprise. I was okay with that.

Of course, I was so excited about our future, I wanted to talk about it. It always seemed like he wasn't quite as excited as me would be the best way to explain it. When I asked him about this, he would tell me not to worry, it's going to happen. So I would try to relax and just let things happen.

At this point, we were looking at another move. We both got really excited about it - I felt like I was going to get out of a job that I wasn't happy in, it was a place we both always dreamed of living, and we had friends there.

He ended up not getting the job, and I admittedly didn't handle it the best. I got really sad because my hopes were too high. I told him that I was sorry he didn't get the job but I also cried because I felt stuck in my job.

I had just turned down another job that would have been much closer to home because they wouldn't wait for me to find out if we were moving or not.

This is when I started noticing a difference in his behavior. We went home to visit family for a week and after that, I felt like he was acting distant.

I kept asking him what was wrong, and he would tell me that everything was fine. I knew that wasn't true, but he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. It caused a lot of frustration on my end, and so I got short with him on a couple of occasions. We then had friends visit for a week, and even during this time,

I kept asking if something was wrong. He assured me that nothing was wrong on his end.

After our friends left, he sat down and asked what was bothering me. I told him that it was because I felt like something was wrong, but he wasn't talking to me. He then went into this whole thing about how I've seemed so unhappy with work and not getting the job triggered him to start questioning our future and all the conversations we've had.

Of course, I started panicking and asking a lot of questions.

At that point, he said he wasn't taking it off the table. He felt like he had bottled a lot of things up for a really long time, wasn't sure if he was getting cold feet, thought he let things fester into something it's not.

He assured me that he thought we could work through it. We had these conversations for a week, and had even started discussing another job opportunity in another city. He asked me to start looking for jobs there so I did.

The next week - everything changed.

He became more distant, and when I'd ask questions, he would start to blame me and even seem angry with me for all these different things. He said that he knew I was stressed with my job, but that I was short and snappy with him.

He said that he felt like I didn't enjoy boating as much as him (this is how we spent every weekend)...and just came up with all of these things that he literally had never spoken to me about before. I kept asking him why he hadn't talked to me about things that had bothered him, and his response was that he doesn't like conflict or confrontation.

He continued to distance himself, and I was trying everything I could to be supportive/make things better. Eventually, one Saturday, he said that he was struggling and that it wasn't fair to me that this was happening. That I deserve someone who is 100% in, and he can't do that right now. That we should go our separate ways.

He said that looking back on our relationship, something is "off"... this whole time I kept telling him that what was off is communication, and I've been trying to get that from him since the beginning.

He told me that he didn't understand what was happening and wishes he did because I deserved an explanation.

I left that day and haven't seen him since. We've spoken on the phone, and he continues to go back and forth on things.

I just don't understand any of it. I don't understand how we've had all of these conversations about our future, and then suddenly, it's all gone. I know that clearly he wasn't communicating with me about issues, but for me, everything changed in an instant.

I'm having a hard time letting go.

None of what he has said has made sense, and I feel like he's blamed me for all of these random things. I don't know how to move forward. I feel like I was living in a fantasy world or something because I always thought things were so good.

I had no idea he was unhappy.

I never meant to be snappy, short, or to hurt him. Never in a million years would I intentionally do that. I was going through a hard time with work, and yes of course I regret not being more mindful now. But at the same time, I don't believe that's the real reason for all of this. I'm just so confused.

How do I move on?

-Ann

My Response:

You move on by understanding what happened here, Ann. And I’m going to explain that here in detail so that you can.

His biggest clue was when he admitted to you he doesn’t like conflict or confrontation. His other clue was when he told you it was when you were so unhappy with your work and him not getting the new job, that he was triggered to question your future together.

Let me rephrase that for you.

He was fine when you were happy, when you weren’t showing emotions, when you were sweeping everything under the carpet that was concerning you and you settled for his answers that everything was okay.

He was fine as long as everything was fine on the surface.

But when you got real, when you showed real emotion, when you didn’t try to hide how you were really feeling – basically, when you revealed yourself as a real human being, he couldn’t handle it.

What’s off, Ann, is his ability to handle the human experience in another human being because it makes him so uncomfortable.

This was never about you. This was always about him.

You knew from the time you first asked him what was wrong that there was indeed something wrong. He admitted to that when he told you he’s kept everything bottled up for a long time, unsure of what was off, but knowing something was.

That’s why he couldn’t answer you. Because he didn’t know himself.

Men who can’t handle their own emotions and feelings can’t handle anyone else’s feelings and emotions. He needed you to be okay, to not feel so deeply, to carry on like everything was fine because when you couldn’t, it exposed him for who he is  - and who he isn’t.

He’s not the perfect boyfriend.

He can do surface, and he can do a relationship as long as there’s no conflict or chance of confrontation where there might be disagreement, but he’s in deep in his beliefs about the way love and relationships are supposed to be.

If everything isn’t harmonious with zero disagreements, there’s something wrong. If there are going to be real conversations where you’re not able to keep your more honest feelings hidden, something’s off. And that’s what was off when he felt that way. Something WAS off. You sensed it. But he wasn’t ready or willing to look there when his learned response was to go with “everything is going to be okay.”

But what if everything isn’t okay? What if you have your own feelings about things? What if you’re not okay? And what if he’s not okay either, even though he thinks he is, but his actions show otherwise?

This is the intersection where our relationships either become real and require two real people capable of showing up as real themselves, or where it dissolves into the fantasy it could only be.

You left because you saw there was nowhere to go. He wasn’t looking within. He was only staying in the place of “off”, while you had so many more places you wanted to go.

What now?

You accept that you knew but you did what all of us do, you believed him.

When he told you everything would be fine, that it would all work out, that you’d get through this together, that it would all be okay.

You believed him.

One of these days, we’re going to stop believing him, and we’re going to start listening to ourselves in a way we’ve never done before, Ann.

But until that day, you accept that you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. That you asked the questions you wanted answers to and didn’t press for more when doing so would have been futile because he couldn’t have given you anything more than he did.

The sooner you can take all this off of you and give it back to him, figuratively, literally and energetically, the easier this will be for you to move on from here.

I’ve been here. And so have most of the women on here. We’ve asked the same questions you’re asking now.

Where do we go from here?

To ourselves.

To men we can have real, open and honest conversations with.

They’re waking up, too. Not all of them, but enough of them as there are of us ready and honest enough with ourselves to insist on having these kinds of conversations with them. Not in a way that forces them to meet us where we are, but with the light and the confidence in who we are to meet them where they are without losing ourselves in the process.

This was never personal, Ann. It was him finally revealing who he was.

Love,

Jane

Been here? Share your thoughts and advice with Ann in the comments below.