It Feels Like There's No Spark Anymore

Our letter this week comes from Julie, who's feeling like the man she's in a relationship with just wants someone by his side rather than having the emotional ties of a relationship. Here's her story. I know many of you will recognize just how familiar it feels to you, too.

Her Story:

Hello! I just got to your blog and read the majority of the questions posted. I wanted to ask for something I wanted to look for that wasn’t answered. Here we go.

So my boyfriend of 7 months broke up last month. But we got back together and went into 7 months a week ago. However, ever since we got back together , he barely texts or calls me.

Whenever I try to reach out I get messages every 2 or more hours. Today was the only day he was free and we could’ve talked all day but he has not done so.

I always wait for him to text or call everyday but it’s so hard. Therefore, I wait to hang out with him instead. It is better but sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be here. He’s always on his phone or watching Netflix.

He’s barely affectionate compared to before. The kisses aren’t the same. It feels like there’s no spark anymore.

I don’t know if I’m just too clingy , too needy, or whatever but I just want the old him back. I pay attention to the little things too much. I mean He saw other people on our break... so I do have a reason to be all clingy/needy.

It just seems like he’s here for the physical things.

Like everything is fine when we’re together in person, but... overall it just seems like he just wants someone by his side rather than having the emotional ties of a relationship. He barely talks in person, seems to get mad at me in person whenever I try to ask him about things like these, less affectionate, barely calls or texts.

Do I wait and just give him his space ? Is it worth the wait ?

Or is it just game over?

-Julie

My Response:

I’m glad you reached out, Julie.

By what you’ve said here, I’m going to go with your intuition that he’s up for the benefits of the relationship but not up for the rest. Without knowing the circumstances or specifics around your break-up and then getting back together, it’s hard to say for sure what’s going on with him.

But you’re definitely onto something by the description of his behavior.

The more important thing to remember here? You get to choose what you want to do with him and this relationship.

I’m going to give you my opinion based on my experience both personally and professionally with men who act like the way you’ve described him here, but you’re the one who has to live with your decision and whatever you decide to do about him, so remember that ultimately, it’s what you can live with and what you can’t.

If you choose to wait and just give him space, don’t just wait. Live your life and be you.

Be true to yourself. Keep investing in your own life and keep him as an afterthought. Don’t think about him too much. Don’t ask him questions he won’t answer. Don’t wait for him to text or call or make plans with you.

Think of him as someone in the background who you’re waiting to see if he’s able to be the man you need him to be.

Will he step up? We don’t know. Space is the best way to find out, but only if you can give it to him without feeling worse.

Feeling worse than you do now isn’t the point of this. Taking care of yourself and detaching enough from him so you can see this guy for who he actually is, is the point. As long as you’re too attached or too close or unable to be objective enough to see him and the way he’s behaving with you for what it is, you’re too close.

Don’t set yourself up to be rejected by looking to him to give you something he’s showing with his actions he’s not able to give you.

In other words, take out the clingy and needy from words you’re using to describe yourself.

You don’t pay attention to the little things too much! On the contrary; they’re your greatest source of information and you need this information from him so you can decide what you want to do with him. Don’t discount the value of being observant, of paying attention, of noticing, and most of all, of trusting yourself that you know what you see and hear and feel. Trust yourself!

Talking isn’t working, he clearly doesn’t want to have those conversations you want – and deserve to have with him. The fact that he’s getting mad at you shows you his limits right now, and we don’t know if that’s going to change anytime soon.

Add in everything else, and it’s clear from here that he’s not in this, his heart isn’t. So, let’s get to the question of WHY you even want him the way he is right now, with no guarantees he’s going to change back the way he used to be.

So, why?

Write down your reasons. Be honest with yourself.

Because I know I’m not the only one looking at what you’ve written here about how he’s treating you, wondering why you want to be with him. I get the investment of 7 months, I really understand the potential we see in someone when we’ve seen another side of them that isn’t like this.

But potential and investment are things we carry around in our own heads that don’t have any significance unless HE starts investing again in your relationship and starts living up to that potential.

Without his actions here, you’re in a relationship by yourself and that’s lonelier than being alone – ask anyone of us who’s been here. We can all agree on that!

So while you’re living your life, doing your own thing, figuring out if you even want to be with someone who’s treating you like this – or more accurately, who CAN treat you like this, you can try inserting yourself here in a different way than it sounds like you’ve done.

Confidently. Empowered. Clear.

Knowing your value. Certain of who you are and how much you have to offer him. Coming from that place of knowing your own worth, being confident of your value, you say something like this.

Instead of asking him what he wants, or why he’s treating you differently, or if he still even wants to be with you, or what’s going on, own how you feel. That’s your mindset before you talk to him.

And then, you tell him where you’re at.

As in, something along these lines, “I’ve noticed a change in our relationship ever since we got back together. You barely talk to me in person, you get mad at whenever I try to ask you about things like this, you’re less affectionate, and you barely call or text. You’re always on your phone or watching Netflix. It feels to me like you just want someone by your side rather than having the emotional ties of a relationship. I’m looking for more than that in our relationship, so if you’re not, if this is working for you, be honest with me. Tell me so I can make my own decision about whether or not I want to continue to be in this relationship. I’d rather you be honest with me than be here when you want to be somewhere else.”

I know this takes courage, and I know this takes allowing yourself to look the fear of saying any of this in the eye and choosing yourself over the possibility of losing him.

But Julie, if he’s already gone, if he’s already checked out, and this behavior he’s showing you sure seems like he’s got something going on, you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain by finding out the information you need to decide what you want to do.

So I’m going to leave you here.

You’ve got a choice to make how long you want to keep observing his behavior, noticing the little things, and living your life with the mindset of actually living, not just waiting for someone to change back the way he used to be.

At some point, when you’re clear enough about who you are and what you want, you can speak up and say something along the lines of the script above. But it has to come from your heart, from you, not from me or anyone else or it won’t have the same power your own words – your honest, from the heart, courageous words – will always have.

Powerful you. Confident you. Courageous you.

When you’re ready.

Is he worth it? I know you are, Julie.

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

How about you? Have you got something you want to say to Julie? Tell her in the comments below.